8 Rules of Love by Jayshetty | Bookmark | Eng Subs | The Book Show ft. RJ Ananthi

Summary

The video discusses Jay Shetty's book '8 Rules of Love,' delving into the different types of partners and relationships people often find themselves attracted to. It explores the influence of upbringing on partner choices, the danger of chasing unavailable partners, and the pitfalls of entering relationships based on one attribute like looks, wealth, or physical intimacy. The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, emotional connection, and balance in roles like fixer, dependent, or supporter within a relationship. The book provides guidance for all relationship stages, including breakups and rebound relationships.

Takeaways

• ❤️ Love influences many aspects of life, from books to cafes, but real-life relationships can be complicated.
• 🧐 People may choose the wrong partner or question if there's something wrong with themselves when relationships don't work out.
• 💡 The way we seek partners is often influenced by how we experienced love growing up, particularly from our parents.
• 🚨 Being attracted to a 'rebel' or a 'chase' can be thrilling but might not lead to a healthy long-term relationship.
• 🛠️ Some people enter relationships thinking they can 'fix' or save their partner, but this dynamic often leads to dissatisfaction.
• ⚠️ Entering relationships with a 'F boy' or 'F girl' hoping they’ll change is a common mistake, as people rarely change their core desires.
• 🎭 People often get attracted to partners based on one strong trait (e.g., wealth, beauty), but this can lead to disillusionment when other flaws are discovered.
• 👫 Three roles in relationships are the 'fixer', 'dependent', and 'supporter', and balancing these roles is key to a healthy relationship.
• 🌍 A partner should enhance your world, not be your entire world, and both partners should retain their individuality.
• 📘 Jay Shetty's '8 Rules of Love' offers guidance for various stages of relationships, from finding the right partner to handling breakups.

Q & A

What is the main theme discussed in the transcript?

The main theme discussed in the transcript revolves around relationships, exploring different types of partners, relationship dynamics, and the insights from Jay Shetty's book '8 Rules of Love'.

How does the book '8 Rules of Love' differ from other relationship books mentioned?

Unlike other books like 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' and 'Love Languages', '8 Rules of Love' provides both inspiring and practical guidance for navigating relationships, addressing various stages and challenges, and focusing on understanding one's own patterns of attraction.

What is the influence of childhood on our partner choices, according to the transcript?

The transcript explains that the type of partner we are drawn to is heavily influenced by the couple we see growing up, often shaping our expectations of love and relationships based on how we experienced love during childhood.

What is the 'rebel' type of partner, and what are the risks of being attracted to this type?

The 'rebel' partner is someone who breaks rules and doesn’t conform to societal norms, which can be initially attractive. However, the transcript warns that building a long-term relationship based solely on these rebellious traits can lead to challenges down the road.

Why do some people get attracted to those who are unavailable, and what challenges does this create?

Some people are drawn to emotionally or physically unavailable partners because it mirrors unmet emotional needs from childhood, such as a desire for attention. This can create problems when the unavailable person becomes available, leading to boredom or confusion.

What is the 'project' type of partner and why is it problematic?

The 'project' partner refers to someone seen as needing fixing or saving, where one person takes on the role of a hero or heroine trying to improve their partner’s life. The relationship can fall apart once the person no longer needs saving or if the rescuer fails to change them.

What warning does the transcript give about starting relationships based on physical intimacy?

The transcript advises against starting relationships based on physical intimacy alone, as it can cloud judgment and prevent partners from truly getting to know each other on emotional and experiential levels.

What does the transcript suggest about relationships with 'opulent' partners?

Attraction to 'opulent' partners—those with wealth, fame, beauty, or power—can be misleading. Focusing on one appealing trait may blind someone to other flaws, and the relationship can suffer once the initial attraction fades.

What are the three relationship roles described in the transcript?

The three relationship roles described are: 1) The Fixer, who tries to solve all problems; 2) The Dependent, who relies heavily on their partner for emotional support; and 3) The Supporter, who offers encouragement and helps their partner without taking over or losing their own individuality.

What is the ultimate message of the transcript about building lasting relationships?

The ultimate message is that successful relationships require understanding yourself, recognizing your partner’s needs, and balancing support with individuality. Relationships are part of life's journey, not the entirety of it, and should enhance each partner's world rather than dominate it.

Outlines

00:00

💖 Love: An Ever-Present Theme in Media and Life

This paragraph explores how love is a common theme in books, movies, and even cafes, yet real-life relationships often face challenges. The speaker questions whether people choose the wrong partners or struggle with personal issues. The author introduces Jay Shetty’s book '8 Rules of Love' and discusses how the book's rules are insightful, particularly the concept that early life experiences influence the type of partner one seeks. The speaker reflects on love's complexities and how our attraction to certain types of partners, like rebels, can lead to difficulties in long-term relationships.

05:06

🏃‍♂️ The Chase and the Project: Attraction Based on Unavailability and Fixing

This paragraph discusses two types of attraction: the 'chase,' where people are drawn to those who are unavailable, and the 'project,' where one partner sees the other as someone to save or fix. The speaker explains how people may be attracted to someone emotionally or physically unavailable, only to lose interest once they are reciprocated. Similarly, relationships based on the idea of 'saving' the partner may fail once the partner no longer needs help, or when efforts to save them prove fruitless. These dynamics highlight the pitfalls of basing relationships on temporary or conditional factors.

10:22

🌟 Physical Intimacy and Its Impact on Relationship Perception

The focus of this paragraph is on physical intimacy and its effect on how individuals perceive their partners. The speaker warns that entering a relationship with physical intimacy as the primary focus can obscure a partner’s flaws and create unrealistic expectations. The text emphasizes that while sex can enhance feelings of connection due to hormonal reactions, it's essential to build emotional and experiential intimacy first. This approach ensures that the relationship is grounded in mutual understanding beyond physical attraction.

15:24

🧠 Attraction to Opulence and the Risk of Idealizing Partners

This section explores the concept of attraction to opulence, where people are drawn to traits like knowledge, fame, beauty, or wealth. The speaker cautions against forming relationships based on one positive attribute, as this can lead to disappointment when other flaws become apparent. The text suggests that people often attach unrealistic qualities to partners based on initial attraction to one trait, risking instability in the relationship when that trait fades or proves insufficient for long-term compatibility.

💬 The Importance of Authenticity and Self-Understanding in Relationships

This paragraph emphasizes the importance of being authentic in relationships. The speaker discusses how we project certain traits, like good looks or success, to attract others, but warns that if these traits fade, insecurities may arise. The text encourages individuals to reflect on what they prioritize in themselves and how those priorities affect their relationships. Additionally, the speaker touches on the roles people play in relationships, such as the fixer or the dependent, and stresses the importance of balance and mutual support to avoid unhealthy dynamics.

🌍 Your Partner as Part of Your World, Not Your Entire World

The final paragraph reinforces the idea that while partners are important, they should not become the center of one’s world. The speaker stresses the significance of maintaining individuality within a relationship, allowing both partners to support each other without losing themselves. The text concludes by highlighting that a healthy relationship involves mutual support, understanding, and the ability to navigate personal growth together. The paragraph ends with a reflection on the importance of knowing oneself and one's relationship needs, as discussed in Jay Shetty’s book.

Keywords

💡Rebel

A 'rebel' refers to a person who resists norms or societal expectations, often breaking the rules. In the video script, the concept of being attracted to a rebel is discussed, exemplified by characters like Suriya from *Sillunu Oru Kadhal*. The theme highlights how being drawn to rebellious traits may work initially but can lead to issues in long-term relationships.

💡Chase

The 'chase' refers to being attracted to someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable. The script references characters like Simbhu from *Thotti Jaya* and Trisha from *Vinnaithandi Varuvaya* as examples of this dynamic. It explains how this attraction can fade when the person becomes available, showing how chasing unattainable partners may not lead to lasting fulfillment.

💡Project

A 'project' refers to entering a relationship with the goal of 'fixing' or saving someone who is struggling. The script explains this dynamic by describing how one partner tries to uplift the other, but once the person is 'saved,' the relationship may lose its purpose. This highlights how relationships built on rescuing someone can be unsustainable.

💡F boy/F girl

These terms describe people who prioritize casual relationships centered around physical intimacy. The script discusses how entering into a relationship with someone hoping that love will change their behavior often leads to disappointment. It emphasizes that clear communication of desires is crucial, and one should avoid assuming that intimacy will create deeper emotional bonds.

💡Opulence

Opulence refers to attraction based on wealth, fame, beauty, strength, or knowledge. In the video, it is explained that people are often drawn to one of these traits, but this narrow focus can lead to issues when other flaws in the person emerge. The script warns against entering relationships based solely on admiration for one trait, such as money or beauty.

💡Fixer

A 'fixer' is someone who tries to solve all the problems in a relationship or for their partner. The script discusses how taking on the fixer role can be exhausting and may lead to imbalance if only one person is trying to fix things. It stresses that both partners should be involved in addressing issues for the relationship to be healthy.

💡Dependent

Being 'dependent' refers to relying too heavily on a partner for emotional or practical support. The video explains how depending on a partner for everything can cause them to lose their individuality and create tension in the relationship. It emphasizes the importance of self-reliance while still seeking support from one’s partner.

💡Supporter

A 'supporter' in a relationship offers encouragement while respecting the individuality of their partner. The script highlights this as an ideal role where partners support each other without losing their sense of self. It contrasts this with the fixer or dependent roles, promoting a balanced and mutually supportive relationship.

💡Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy refers to the deep connection that partners share on an emotional level. The script advises seeking emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, suggesting that starting with emotional bonding helps build a stronger foundation for a relationship. It warns against relying on physical attraction alone to maintain a relationship.

💡Breakup

A 'breakup' is the ending of a relationship, and the script touches on the challenges of deciding when to leave a relationship that isn’t working. It addresses the guilt some may feel in leaving and explains that Jay Shetty’s book provides guidance on navigating breakups, including how to handle post-breakup emotions and avoid rebound relationships.

Highlights

Love is a recurring theme in various media, and while many people appear to be in love, love doesn't happen for everyone.

One key question posed is whether people are choosing the wrong partners or if there's something wrong with themselves.

Jay Shetty's '8 Rules of Love' provides new insights into relationships, building on previous ideas like love languages and attachment theories.

Our childhood and the couples we see growing up, especially our parents, influence the kind of partner we seek and the type of love we find comfortable.

People often fall for rebellious partners, but building long-term relationships based on rebellion can lead to problems.

Some are drawn to the 'chase,' desiring emotionally unavailable partners, but this can lead to dissatisfaction once the partner becomes available.

The 'project' type of relationship involves one person trying to 'save' the other, which can become unsustainable once the 'project' is complete or fails.

Sexual attraction can create a false sense of connection, but it's important to ensure emotional and experiential intimacy is established before physical intimacy.

People are often subconsciously drawn to partners based on one opulent trait—like wealth, beauty, or fame—but a relationship requires more than one strong attribute.

Relationships based on superficial qualities, such as physical appearance or success, can falter when these qualities fade.

Jay Shetty outlines three key roles in relationships: the fixer, the dependent, and the supporter, with the supporter role being the most crucial.

Playing the fixer too often can lead to frustration for both partners, as one cannot constantly solve the other's problems.

Dependence on a partner for solving all problems can lead to a loss of individuality and resentment within the relationship.

The supporter role emphasizes mutual support, providing space for each partner to grow and solve their own issues while offering help when needed.

A relationship should complement one's life journey, with the partner adding beauty to one's world rather than being the entirety of it.

Transcripts

Books, Poem, Movies etc are all related to love at this time. Even the cafes in town have love as the common theme.

There are red hearts everywhere.

But for people love never happens though people are them are happily in love despite the small fights.

Are they choosing the wrong partner?

or is there something wrong with them?

or if they think that they are messing up...

How do we choose the right person in a relationship?

or how to make us like them and vice versa.

How do we make things work out even if they had not worked out thus far.

or how do we come out of something which is not working out at all?

We have seen many books on relationship in our Book Show before.

I wondered what could be new in Jay Shetty's 8 rules of love as I picked up the book.

We have already looked into love languages, attachment theories...

We have also read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

So, I wondered what else could be new in this book.

These 8 rules of love were both inspiring and informative.

And it made me aspire for a relationship like this and made me want to be a partner like this.

I am not going to talk about all the 8 rules. But one important rule...

Why do always look for the same kind of partner always?

Do we have a style of our own? Do we like a certain type of partner? The answer to all these questions...

Our parents whom we grow up with i.e., The couple we see at home.

influences our decision regarding the type of partner we want and don't want for ourselves.

The things that we saw from our childhood. The way we got love...

Was that love comfortable for us?

Can we travel life-long with that love?

We have aspirations to find that kind of partner or to be that kind of partner.

We might regularly look for a certain type of people.

These types of relationship and people reminded me of a lot of films.

You can figure out what type of person you are and what type of relationship you are in.

You can also figure out which type of partner you are attracted to.

I will also tell you what to do after figuring out what is this.

The first type is a rebel.

It might be a boy or a girl who doesn't listen to anyone.

They are rebellious in nature and always break the rules

which might attract us. Just like how Bhumika is attracted to rebellious Suriya in Sillunu Oru Kadhal.

Most of the times even heroes get attracted to rebellious women in movies.

In this case, the primary attraction is fine.

But when we aspire for a long-term relationship based on these aspects things might go wrong.

Are you getting attracted to such a person?

The way they talk back or get angry...

Fighting against injustice is different.

The ones who stand apart and can't get along with anyone else? Is it right to choose a partner based on this alone?

But first you have to know whether the attraction towards the rebel is strong.

The second thing is chase. Matthew Perry had said in his book about how he yearned for his mother's attention.

So, he was attracted to women who didn't give him attention.

This might happen to us to where we are attracted to someone who is not available physically or emotionally.

We might be drawn to them because of this.

In case they are physically and emotionally available to us, we might feel bored.

The non-availability quotient alone will attract them to us even more.

Simbhu from Thotti Jaya is like that.

Trisha from Vinnaithandi Varuvaya

These are great examples of characters who don't give attention but they are chased by the ones who love them.

They might have other good qualities but getting attracted based on this aspect alone...

When they reciprocate and give attention to us We will not know what to do.

because we didn't get attracted for that.

This is the second type of people.

The third type is the project which is actually very simple...

There are people who might weak in life, relationship, career and other aspects.

We consider ourselves as the hero or the heroine who will lift them up. We become the saviour.

Our biggest purpose in life is to save the one we love.

This is almost like a project.

We put all our efforts to save the one we love.

But once we have saved them and they have become stronger. We would not know what to do.

On the other hand, if we are not able to save the person we love despite trying. We would be wasting time and energy.

The reason for which we came into the relationship will eventually become the reason for moving away from it.

This is the third type. Then we have the F boy or F girl.

For some, sleeping around or physical intimacy might be the priority.

We should not judge them. But one particular boy or girl thinking that their love might change the person...

and might enter into a relationship with that belief that the relationship might last forever.

Then the fault is with the person who believed that change is possible and we as a society blame the person who is clear about what he or she wants.

Thinking that being in a steady relationship is the only right thing. But there is no right or wrong.

If you know what you want and if you know what the other person wants...

Then is it the right for the two of you to be together?

When they are clear about what they want...

And if you believe that the other person will eventually understand that your love is greater than their need for sex...

And if you spent lot of time and energy with this belief...

The change that you want will never happen.

Yes, Sex is a vital part. But if your need for sex is lesser than the other person for whom sex is vital.

Then looking for an exclusive relationship and getting your heart broken is entirely your fault.

With regards to sex, you will get the intimacy that you desire from certain people...

The intimacy that you get might prevent you from seeing what you need in a relationship.

Sex gives a hormonal spike and the flaws of the other person might get blurred.

Sometimes it is better to not start a relationship with physical intimacy.

Look for emotional intimacy and intimacy with regard to experiences.

Then go for physical intimacy. This will ensure that there is intimacy in all aspects along with physical intimacy.

When you start off with physical intimacy you might not get to know the other aspects of a person.

When men have sex more Oxytocin will be released.

This might make you feel that the other person is the right one for you.

But the truth is it might be because of chemicals in the body.

So, don't pin your hopes on temporary highs.

Get to know them better.

The last type is the Opulent one.

The five opulence are knowledge, fame, beauty, money strength and renunciation

We might get attracted to one of these traits but we might not know it.

The power held by a famous person might attract us.

The luxurious lifestyle provided by a person with money might inspire us.

We attach a positive feeling to a person based on one good thing we like about a person.

Like how we assume that a person who reads lots of books might have immense knowledge and will be able to provide solutions.

We attach such attributes to a person.

This is wrong, because when we enter into a relationship based on one positive aspect.

When we get to know that the other person is flawed in other aspects the relationship might break.

Just figure out whether it is enough to get into a relationship with the other person based on one positive attribute.

Because we might sub consciously be drawn towards one positive aspect.

We love certain things about ourselves.

When we retain that and when the other person likes it, the relationship will be good.

So, being ourselves is very important.

The trait we exhibit during the initial days will serve as the attachment factor for the partner.

If I give importance to good looks, I will put more efforts towards that.

Like dressing, perfume, hairstyle, make up etc. I invest on these and project my good looks.

If good looks are very important to me...

Even my partner might prefer good looks.

But there might come a phase in my life when the external beauty might go away.

I might start hating myself and there might be fear of the partner hating me because the partner came to me for my good looks.

And the partner might move on to another person in a short span of time.

Figure out what you are exhibiting about yourself.

which might make you attractive to the other person and they might be drawn towards you.

If you give high priority to success Then success might attract the other person towards you.

But will the person be with you when you fail? Or do you have the belief that the person will be with you when you fail

If you project your physical fitness and feel that it defines you...

It might draw the attention of the other person But if you are unable to maintain your fitness for some reason...

Will your partner still stay with you?

Will that person still be interested in you or attracted to you?

Such questions might arise.

The author also talks about three types of relationship roles.

We all play all the three roles often But the third role is of utmost importance.

The first role is that of the fixer.

When problems arise in your relationship or in your home for you or your partner...

We tend to act as the fixer by telling the other person what to do.

Fixing the problems and suggesting solutions is ok upto a certain limit.

Being in the fixer role always might irritate the other person and you will also feel tired.

Both the people should be involved in the fixing process for one person alone cannot do everything.

Figure out whether you are a fixer.

The second role is dependent. Sharing your happy or sad moments with your partner is a good thing.

But depending on the other person with the hope that your partner will be able to fix everything...

A person is not a magician to solve all your problems.

But we often expect that in a relationship.

Having such expectations once in a while is fine.

We can play all the three roles at different times upto a certain limit.

But being dependent on the other person for everything thinking that you might not be able to do it alone...

You partner might not be able to concentrate on his or her life as they have to concentrate on you always which is not possible.

By concentrating on your life They might end up losing their individuality.

Eventually they will start hating themselves and might not be able to do anything for you.

If you are dependent on the other person, it is high time for you to have a self-check.

The last role is that of the supporter which includes knowing the positives and negatives of each other.

You both might have different aspirations about what you in life

But the two of you support each other in everything.

When they mess up in something you can act as a fixer.

or you can support and help them to come up with a solution.

Be supportive of them when they seek help in finding a solution.

When you have a problem of your own, instead of putting the burden on your partner, Seek their support while you come up with a solution.

Give the required space to each other which helps to take the right decision which helps to supportive of each other.

Your partner is not your journey. He or she is part of your journey That is how a relationship should be.

Your partner should not be your world.

Your partner is not your world or your limit.

You have a world and your partner adds beauty to it.

The role of the partner in your world is very important.

You are one of the reasons for making my world beautiful but you are not the only reason.

Understanding this and being supportive of each other is the supportive role.

Figure out which of these roles you play.

We saw the contents of one chapter alone today.

First, we should know about ourselves and whether the person likes us or not.

Then we have to know how to express our love and sustain the relationship including handling conflicts.

What to do if there are things which you cannot tolerate? How to break up in such a scenario?

What to do after break up?

Why do we enter into a rebound relationship? The answer to all these questions are there in this book.

Knowing the 8 rules of love even if you are not someone in a relationship...

or even if you are someone who is happy in a relationship...

or even if you are indecisive about the relationship that you are in...

or even if you feel guilty about getting out of a bad relationship...

The guidance for all stages of a relationship are there in 8 rules of love by Jay Shetty...

You can click the link in the description to buy and read this book.