How To Get In Your Ex's Head
Summary
TLDRCoach Lee offers five strategies to get into your ex's head post-breakup: 1) Initiate the breakup to disrupt their sense of superiority; 2) Control the momentum by ceasing pursuit, allowing them space to reconsider; 3) Maintain composure and avoid anger to demonstrate emotional strength; 4) Don't fix the relationship for them, making them take responsibility for reconciliation; 5) Resist rushing, showing patience and self-worth. These tactics aim to rebalance the relationship dynamics and potentially lead to reconciliation.
Takeaways
- 😀 Giving your ex the breakup can disrupt their expectations and put you in a position of power.
- 🏃♂️ Controlling the momentum by not chasing after your ex can make them question their decision to break up.
- 🤔 Allowing your ex space to reflect on the breakup can lead them to reconsider their feelings and the relationship.
- 🚫 Avoid showing anger or desperation as it can signal emotional weakness and push your ex further away.
- 🤗 Displaying emotional strength and living a fulfilling life without your ex can make you more attractive to them.
- 🙅♀️ Don't take on the responsibility of fixing the relationship; it's important for your ex to demonstrate their commitment.
- 👫 Be cautious about rushing back into the relationship; taking it slow can build anticipation and increase attraction.
- 💬 When your ex reaches out, respond with reserve and avoid giving them immediate reassurance or satisfaction.
- 🔑 Understanding the dynamics of attraction and loss can help you navigate the complex emotions post-breakup.
- ⏳ Patience is key; taking time to rebuild the relationship can lead to a stronger and more stable bond in the future.
Q & A
What is the first strategy Coach Lee suggests to get into your ex's head?
-The first strategy is to give them the breakup, meaning not to chase, beg, or plead but to let them go, which disrupts their expectation of you being less attractive and desperate.
Why does Coach Lee recommend not chasing after your ex after a breakup?
-Chasing after your ex can make you appear obsessed or unstable, and it pushes them further away. It's better to let the momentum go and allow them to come to you if they wish to reconnect.
How does showing anger affect the process of getting back into your ex's head according to Coach Lee?
-Showing anger reveals that the breakup deeply affected you, which can be a sign of weakness in the context of attraction. It's better to display emotional strength and not let them see the negative impact they had on you.
What is the significance of not rushing back into a relationship with your ex as mentioned by Coach Lee?
-Not rushing shows that you value yourself and are not desperate for their attention. It's an attractive quality that can make your ex reconsider their decision and create a more balanced dynamic if you do get back together.
Why should you not try to fix the relationship for your ex, as per Coach Lee's advice?
-Fixing the relationship for your ex can put you in a position of less attraction. It's their responsibility to initiate the reconciliation since they were the ones who broke up, showing they are ready and willing to put in the effort.
What does Coach Lee mean by 'control the momentum' in the context of getting back with an ex?
-Controlling the momentum means managing the pace of interaction after a breakup. It involves not chasing them when they pull away and not stopping them when they start to come back, allowing the natural ebb and flow of attraction to take its course.
How does Coach Lee suggest responding when your ex reaches out expressing missing you or wanting to get back together?
-Coach Lee suggests responding with reserve, acknowledging their feelings without committing fully. For example, saying you're open to the idea but prefer to take things one day at a time.
What is the role of self-value in Coach Lee's strategy for getting back into an ex's head?
-Self-value is crucial. By showing that you are not desperate for their attention and can live a fulfilling life without them, you increase your attractiveness and make them question their decision to break up.
How does Coach Lee define attraction in the context of breakups and getting back together?
-Attraction, as defined by Coach Lee, is a feeling of being pulled towards someone and a sense of desirability. After a breakup, the goal is to reestablish that pull and make the ex feel they are not necessarily more attractive than you.
What is the 'Emergency Breakup Kit' mentioned by Coach Lee and how can it help?
-The 'Emergency Breakup Kit' is a resource Coach Lee offers, which compiles his 20 years of relationship coaching experience to guide individuals on how to potentially get their ex back.
Outlines
💡 Getting into Your Ex's Head by Initiating the Breakup
Coach Lee suggests that the first step to get into your ex's head is to give them the breakup. When you are the one being broken up with, your ex feels more attractive and assumes you will chase after them. By giving them the breakup, you disrupt their expectations and put them in a position where they might reflect on their decision. This strategy involves not chasing, begging, or pleading, but rather showing them that you are not less attractive or desperate. It's about controlling the momentum and not allowing them to feel superior in the breakup process.
🔄 Controlling Momentum to Influence Your Ex's Thoughts
The second strategy Coach Lee discusses is controlling the momentum of the relationship. When your ex breaks up with you, they are metaphorically running away, and if you chase after them, they will run faster. Instead, you should let them get far enough away that they stop running and may even turn back. This means not responding immediately to their advances or reaching out. When they do reach out, it's crucial to respond with reserve, not with desperation or a rush to get back together, which can stop their momentum and make them feel like they've won you back too easily.
😐 Staying Calm and Not Angry to Attract Your Ex
Coach Lee's third point is about not showing anger after a breakup. Anger can signal pain and vulnerability, which your ex might interpret as a sign that they've deeply affected you. Instead of showing anger, it's better to project emotional strength and the ability to move on with your life. This doesn't mean you're not hurt, but rather that you're disciplined enough not to show it. By not being angry, you demonstrate that you live a fulfilling life and are not desperate to get back together, which can be more attractive to your ex.
🤔 Not Fixing the Breakup for Your Ex
The fourth strategy involves not fixing the breakup for your ex. If they broke up with you, it's their responsibility to make the effort to get back together if they want to. By not taking the initiative to fix things, you avoid reinforcing the idea that they are more attractive and you are desperate. Instead, you let them make the moves and take responsibility for their actions. This can involve them reaching out and showing genuine interest in rekindling the relationship, without you having to do all the work.
🕐 Taking Your Time to Regain Your Ex's Interest
The final strategy Coach Lee outlines is not rushing back into the relationship. By taking your time and showing that you're willing to move slowly, you demonstrate that you're not desperate to get back together. This can make your ex question their decision to break up and make them more attracted to you. It's about maintaining your self-respect and not jumping at the first opportunity to reunite, which can prevent short-term reunions that fade away quickly. By being patient and taking it one day at a time, you show that you value the relationship and yourself.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Breakup
💡Attraction
💡Momentum
💡Discipline
💡Ego
💡Reserve
💡Anger
💡Pain
💡Rush
💡Strategy
Highlights
Giving your ex the breakup can disrupt their expectation of you chasing them.
When your ex breaks up with you, they may feel more attractive and expect you to pursue them.
Allowing your ex space after the breakup can lead to reflection and a change in their perception.
Controlling the momentum by not chasing your ex can prevent appearing obsessive or unstable.
When your ex shows interest after the breakup, maintain reserve to keep them invested.
Avoid showing anger as it reveals emotional vulnerability and pain to your ex.
Displaying emotional strength by not being angry can make you more attractive to your ex.
Don't take on the responsibility of fixing the relationship; it's your ex's task if they broke it off.
Allow your ex to do the work of reconciliation to ensure they are genuinely interested.
Don't rush the process of getting back together; taking it slow can increase your ex's attraction.
Show willingness but maintain a 'one day at a time' approach to rebuild the relationship.
Coach Lee suggests using subtleties and discipline in your communication with your ex.
The importance of not giving your ex the satisfaction of seeing you hurt or angry post-breakup.
Coach Lee's advice on how to handle when your ex reaches out and expresses missing you.
The psychological impact of showing no anger and maintaining a positive outlook after a breakup.
Strategic tips on how to respond when your ex tries to test the waters for reconciliation.
Coach Lee's final advice on not rushing into a reunion to ensure a genuine reconnection.
Transcripts
this is coach lee and i'm going to share
with you five ways to get into your ex's
head if you've seen many of my videos
this first way might be something you've
already heard but listen through it get
some repetition and then the others will
probably be new or at least a different
twist the first thing to do to get into
your ex's head is to give them the
breakup because when they break up with
you
they are on a high horse of attraction
where they feel more attractive than you
they don't want to hurt you but they do
feel like they're better off without you
and that you are less attractive and of
course just the very definition of
attraction means that there's a pull
between the two they don't feel pulled
to you as much so they assume that they
are more attractive than you now it's
not some sort of wicked thing that they
feel where they don't care about you or
they see themselves as way above you and
they're arrogant and you don't deserve
to live or something like that but it is
a feeling where they feel like
that they are more attractive than you
and that's why they're breaking up with
you that's why they are dismissing you
and so they expect you
to really
chase to fight to beg to plead to do all
these things because that's what someone
who is not as attractive would do when
they are overwhelmed with this other
person's sexiness and good looks and
emotional intelligence and all these
things that we're attracted to if this
other person is chasing
after it that's to be expected that's
normal and so that's basically what they
expect it may take them a few days
to kind of start to think about what
they expected because sometimes people
are surprised at how someone who's being
broken up with will become emotional
because they weren't expecting it that's
probably because they haven't thought
too much about your reaction and they
just think they've got to get it over
with and they're hoping things will go
smoothly but what you want is for them
to be able to get a few days of
reflection sometimes it takes that
because they're really focused on just
getting the breakup over with because
it's a difficult awkward thing they
don't want to hurt you they just kind of
want to be able to move on and feel like
that you're not hurt but then the more
they think about it
maybe they kind of want you to be hurt a
little bit because it makes them feel
like they are just super duper
lust-worthy and attractive and that
hurts you that you've lost them now that
doesn't mean they want you to hurt but
they do kind of get an ego stroke if you
are and so if you actually give them the
breakup and you don't try to talk them
out of it or fight
then
it really throws a monkey wrench into
the operations in their mind because
they assume since they're the ones
breaking up with you that they are more
attractive and so you should be chasing
you should be acting like someone in the
place of being less attractive less
desirable and a lot of you who are
watching probably didn't do that you
might have begged and pleaded and i
understand so what you can do is you can
start right now give them the breakup
from this moment forward you will give
them the breakup now i don't suggest you
reach out and say i'm giving you the
breakup show them
talk is cheap actions are not
so just
stop stop the pursuit
stop the chasing give them the breakup
so that's number one on how you can get
on your ex's head take a quick second
and subscribe to this channel so you can
be notified when i have more videos like
this one the second way that i'm going
to share for you to get in your ex's
head is to
control the momentum
and what i mean by that is is that when
your ex starts to run away which is what
they're doing when they break up with
you they are running in the other
direction if you chase
what happens
if you've seen my other videos you know
that i have said this before if you
chase them then they have motivation to
run faster and to run further because
you are still there chasing you need to
allow them and of course we're speaking
figuratively here but allow them to get
far enough away that they turn around
and you're not there so they stop
running because what happens if you keep
chasing you look obsessed
you look maybe even mentally unstable
and so they keep trying to get further
away and they even feel like i've been
trying for days i've been trying for
weeks they won't let me go it will even
seem selfish because it's like they're
saying i want this breakup but you don't
and so you think that you should just
get what you want and i shouldn't get
what i want that's what they kind of
think and feel in the situation and so
you've got to let the momentum go
to where it stops it's like a ball and
it just rolls its energy out but if you
keep chasing
that ball
will keep rolling further and further
away and it's more difficult so cut your
losses right now stop chasing now that
also applies in the other direction when
your ex starts making moves back to you
you actually want it to work
in the other direction and that i've
told you to stop so that their momentum
will stop going the other way now i'm
telling you
don't stop in the other direction and
what i mean by that is this when they
reach out when they want to see you
if they start asking do you want me back
do you miss me those kinds of things now
you can't just say no i don't miss you
because they probably won't believe that
it'll seem ridiculous
you'll seem like a jerk they won't think
that you're a genuine person in this
they'll think you're trying to game them
and that can actually be very
unattractive because it makes it look
like you really want them back or that
you're just trying to play little games
and they might think you know i don't
have time for this i've seen it fail a
lot so just trust me don't be a liar
and don't say things that are like over
the top
but if they start moving towards you
let them keep coming so for example if
they reach out to you and they say you
know
i miss you and i'm kind of reconsidering
the breakup what do you think
see that's
bait on a hook
they want to re-hook you
so that their ego feels nice
and taken care of and warm
and so they want you to basically say
you are so attractive of course you
could still get me back of course
none of my feelings for you have changed
i still want you back
you probably feel that and you probably
want to say that to them and i'm not
saying you lie but what i am saying is
that you treat it like you would if you
were on a diet
or if you are responding to someone who
has emotionally abused you
you may care very much for them but your
actions and your statements should be
guarded and reserved so for example with
a diet people joke about me talking
about how i like snickers bars in some
videos they don't pay me to say that i
just like snickers but i don't eat many
of them at all as a matter of fact i
can't remember when i've had one because
i'm trying to stay low with my carbs
and so
i could say well
i want it
and so if i'm being genuine i would eat
a snickers bar it's not true i'm showing
discipline because just because you want
something and it feels good in that
moment doesn't mean that's the moment
for it and so you will get an
opportunity to say this but it's not
time yet because it will mess things up
so when you get that first reach out
where they're asking
if you miss them if you want to get back
together now if they ask if you missed
them you will probably have to say
something like
it can be tough sometimes or yeah i've
been wondering what you're up to
something kind of casual but
i have had people get coaching calls
with me or coaches on my staff
and they've said that when their ex has
said this that they say things like
terribly every day i'm in agony and you
may feel that but you can't tell them
that because it reassures them it stops
their momentum you basically just hold
your hands up and you stop them like a
brick wall because you've given them
everything they wanted there's nothing
for them to do
except say let's get back together
sometimes it happens
but usually that's when relationships
fade back out is because you stop their
momentum too soon you want to allow it
to keep moving so for example you want
to show reserve and you might say
something if they were to say they want
to get back together you could say
i'm open to that but i just want to take
it one day at a time and they may even
respond with anger because they want to
feel like they didn't mess it up with
you
you cannot give them all of that it's an
art
of subtleties
you give them a little enough to keep
them moving forward like a carrot on a
stick there's no carrot on the stick
they won't keep moving
but if you just give them the carrot
they won't keep moving either so you
need to keep backing up with the carrot
so you are showing reserve
that you're not real sure about them
because you value yourself just like you
value them or at least
you did value them but their value has
fallen in your eyes in some degree and
you're not sure about them because it
was actually something that turned you
off a little bit it was unattractive of
them to break up with you
you see if we go back to what i was
talking about before to that totem pole
of attraction where they felt more
attractive than you
you are putting them back in their place
which is not beneath you
in terms of talking about attraction but
it's in front of you as equals who are
equally attracted to each other but they
have a ways to go yet and that's why you
show reserve and you say things like i'm
willing
i'm open to the idea but i want to take
it one day at a time and even if they
get upset just say i understand but you
have to understand
where i'm coming from and i'm wanting to
just take this one day at a time i'm not
wanting to do anything quickly right now
they won't like it
now they may say that's fine and
everything but they wished
you would just
help them out here show them that they
didn't lose you show them that it would
be easy for them to get you back you get
the idea be a master
of momentum to get in your ex's head
before i get to the third wave how to
get in your ex's head get some more
information on my emergency breakup kit
i'll link to it in the description below
it's a culmination of my 20 years in the
relationship coaching service it can
guide you to get your ex back so take a
look get information in that link in the
description below about my emergency
breakup kit so the third way that you
can get in your ex's head is don't be
angry now stay with me this is more
complex than you think but if you're
angry first of all anger shows
incredible pain anger is almost always
the hard scab on top of soft vulnerable
pain
and people instinctively know that they
know that they have gotten to you that
what they did really got to you
and even though that's the case at the
moment again you're showing the
discipline i have to show when i see
that snickers bar
and i say
no
not gonna do it
do i want the snickers bar sure that
doesn't change the fact that i don't
pick it up and i don't eat it i don't
buy it does not mean i don't like the
way that it tastes
i do
but i'm showing discipline because in
the moment
it's not good for me
and in the moment
you
showing anger and showing
all the emotions you felt from this
breakup is not good for you and it's not
good for this relationship that you're
hoping to get back
so it would be best if you would
actually act like
that the breakup didn't really affect
you that much that it didn't hurt it
didn't make you angry that you're all
right now that's more of a projection
and it's okay you're not being dishonest
but you are showing discipline because
you cannot
just show this to them right now
they don't deserve to see it they're not
intimate
in your life anymore they don't deserve
the details of your emotions
and so don't show them and the reason
also that you don't want to be angry is
that you live a great life and people
who live a great life who are attractive
they don't need to show anger they're
not angry they're having a good time
they've got relationships and
friendships and things going in their
life and so they don't have to be angry
and so if you show your ex you're not
angry it shows incredible emotional
strength plus your ex didn't do this
because they're a bad person now they
might be a bad person
but just because of the fact that they
broke up with you that doesn't mean
by itself
that your ex is a bad person and so
being mad at them
is maybe not the correct emotion now it
depends on your situation
but
anger
when they think that
they want something else that it's not
working that they need something else
it's not really the right emotion now
you may feel it and that's normal and
natural but just because we feel
something does not mean that it's
deserved
and again your situation
could be entirely different and that
your ex could be a total jerk
and they deserve your anger but it could
just simply be that they felt they
needed something else that it wasn't
working between you two then that the
feelings were not coming back and that
they had a future without you and that's
not something that they did
intentionally to hurt you or to cause
harm so so it's not necessarily the
right response anyway but you don't want
to show them anger because just like
with the previous point that i mentioned
it will actually hurt that momentum it
will show them that they really affected
you
and that they could have you back at any
moment plus they want to be around you
if you're angry they'll feel that
they're being punished it will be a
negative for them and so you actually
start them running in the other
direction again
so let's get to the next point a fourth
way of getting into your ex's head is
that you don't fix it for them and what
i mean by that is is that sometimes they
will want you to do the work of getting
the two of you back together so they
won't say those things like i want to
get back together so in the other point
i mentioned that they would say that
sometimes and that you should say you
know
i'm open to that but i want to take
things slowly
but sometimes they won't say that but
they'll say things and they'll be around
you they'll text they'll call they'll
come up to you and you can almost tell
that they're expecting you to say
something or they're testing the waters
and they're trying to see if you'll just
take care of it for them if you'll do
the hard part if you'll be the one to
stick your neck out and take the chance
and ask them if they want to get back
together and again that's the action of
someone who thinks they're more
attractive than you because if you two
were equally attractive they would
realize that
they are the one who broke up with you
so it's their place to fix what they
broke not yours
but if they think they're more
attractive than you then they will think
well you should just take care of it you
should be the one to say something you
should be the one to make me feel super
attractive and pursue me and make the
move on me
and try to get me back and talk to me
and try to glue the pieces back together
don't do that for them it's their mess
they broke you up they should put the
two of you back together and if they
aren't willing to do the work then they
are not ready
and they're not moving towards you
enough and too much of it is ego even if
they don't realize it in the moment
because sometimes you know how i talk
about my videos that what you feel
is a combination of love and loss and
sometimes we don't realize that a lot of
it is the feeling of loss when they
start feeling loss sometimes they will
act
to simply feel they didn't lose you that
they could get you back
and there's not enough love
and so that results in a short term
reunion where it fades back out and you
don't want that
and i'm talking very short term usually
just a few days you don't want that even
though right now you may think you'll
take them back however you can get them
i've talked to enough of you and coach
ken of my staff has talked to enough of
you and coach rex on my staff has talked
to enough of you to know
you don't want that
because you will be crushed to think
that you got them back only to lose them
in a few days because
you weren't disciplined enough after
hearing what i've got to say about this
so
don't fix it for them let them do the
work of that
now that doesn't mean that you don't
suggest hey let's get coffee if they
keep reaching out to you
and maybe they're being a little flirty
maybe some things are just obvious and
you're going to be around to where they
live where they work or you two see each
other
daily or regularly or something like
that you know saying hey you want to
grab coffee sometime especially if it's
been a little bit of time and they do
keep reaching out and you two do keep
talking and they just haven't done that
part you can do that part because
sometimes they just want to see if
they're going to look like a complete
idiot if they try to ask you if you want
to get back together they want to kind
of know a little bit and so sometimes
for some people that can be that carried
on a stick and then when you get them
face to face
they should be the one to say that now
what you can also do in that situation
and i talk about this more in my
emergency breakup kit is you can kind of
start getting into that role of being a
couple without having that conversation
and without putting the label back on it
and that's pretty interesting and like i
said i talk about that in the emergency
breakup kit or one of my coaches can
talk to you about that in a coaching
call and you can reach out to me on
instagram at real coach lee
real coach lee on instagram watch out
for impersonators but if you reach out
to me there i can get you in touch with
one of my coaches and you can book a
coaching call depending on if you're
done with a breakup or anxiety the
number five way to get in your ex's head
is don't rush
because again this deals with a lot of
attraction
details because like i've talked about a
breakup is where attraction has fallen
for you and so they figure if you are
more attracted to them if you were the
one in the smaller in the lesser
position of attraction then you would be
rushing and desperate to get them back
you'll be doing whatever but when you
show that you're not going to rush that
you will take your time you will say
things like
i'm willing i'm open but i want to take
it one day at a time and you won't just
jump right back into it
that will get in their head it's a
powerful thing don't rush take it one
day at a time take it one second at a
time if you possibly can
it's an attractive thing and it will
help you get your ex back
this has been coach lee
thank you for watching
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