Why Avoidants show their true self ONLY after 1 year
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith explores the dynamics of relationships with individuals exhibiting avoidant attachment styles. He explains that the first year of dating can be deceptive, driven by temporary neurotransmitters rather than genuine connection. Smith outlines four key strategies to foster trust, address fear of engulfment, and build a secure attachment base, which can transform avoidant behaviors and lead to enduring relationships. His course, 'How to Love an Avoidant Man,' offers a roadmap for couples seeking to deepen their bond beyond the dopamine-driven honeymoon phase.
Takeaways
- 🔍 The first year of a relationship with an avoidant partner is often based on temporary feelings and games, rather than a genuine connection.
- 🧠 Avoidant individuals may not know how to engage authentically due to their attachment style, which is characterized by a lack of oxytocin bonding and an over-reliance on dopamine.
- 💔 The 'dopamine cliff' refers to the drop in the feel-good hormone after about five months, leading to potential relationship dissatisfaction.
- 🔗 Building trust is crucial in the first year with an avoidant partner, involving consistency, reliability, acceptance, and mutual fulfillment.
- 🚫 Avoidant partners often fear engulfment and losing their independence, so it's important to respect and value their need for personal space.
- 🤝 Testing the waters is a natural part of the first year for avoidant individuals, who may push boundaries to gauge reactions and ensure trust.
- 🛡 Establishing a secure attachment base can help rewire an avoidant person's attachment style over time, fostering a deeper emotional connection.
- 💡 Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the specific needs and fears of avoidant partners.
- 🔗 The video offers a course called 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' to provide a roadmap for building a strong relationship with an avoidant partner.
- 🔗 The use of the discount code 'YouTube 25' is offered for a 25% discount on the course, encouraging viewers to take proactive steps in their relationship.
Q & A
What is the main issue with relationships involving someone with an avoidant attachment style?
-The main issue is that avoidant individuals often present a false image and may not show their true selves until around the one-year mark, due to the influence of temporary neurotransmitters and the lack of genuine oxytocin bonding.
Who is Adam Lane Smith and what is his area of expertise?
-Adam Lane Smith is an attachment specialist who has worked with couples for years, first as a licensed marriage and family therapist and now as a coach specializing in attachment theory.
What is the term used to describe the initial excitement in a new relationship that is based on novelty?
-The term used is 'novelty dopamine', which tends to last for the first five months of a relationship.
What happens after the 'novelty dopamine' phase ends in a relationship with an avoidant person?
-After the novelty dopamine phase, which typically ends around the five-month mark, avoidant individuals may struggle to form a deeper bond due to a lack of oxytocin bonding.
Why do avoidant people struggle to form an oxytocin bond?
-Avoidant people struggle to form an oxytocin bond because their oxytocin receptors may be blocked by cortisol, and in some cases, have shifted to accept vasopressin instead, resulting in a reduced ability to bond.
What is the 'dopamine cliff' and how does it relate to relationships with avoidant individuals?
-The 'dopamine cliff' refers to the point when the novelty dopamine begins to fall off, typically around five months into a relationship. For avoidant individuals, this can lead to a lack of genuine connection and potential relationship breakdown.
What are the four key things that couples can do in the first year to help an avoidant person bond properly?
-The four key things are: 1) Establishing clear trust, 2) Testing the waters and understanding the first year as a testing ground, 3) Addressing the avoidant person's fear of engulfment, and 4) Building a secure attachment base in the relationship.
How can trust be established with an avoidant partner according to the script?
-Trust can be established by demonstrating consistency, reliability, acceptance of the avoidant person's needs, and mutually fulfilling the relationship's expectations.
What does the term 'testing the waters' mean in the context of a relationship with an avoidant person?
-In the context of a relationship with an avoidant person, 'testing the waters' refers to the initial stages where the avoidant individual may push boundaries, create distance, or withdraw to gauge the partner's reactions and build trust.
Why is addressing the fear of engulfment important for avoidant individuals in a relationship?
-Addressing the fear of engulfment is important because avoidant individuals cherish their independence and are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Helping them feel secure in their individuality fosters a healthier bond.
How can a secure attachment base be built in a relationship with an avoidant person?
-A secure attachment base can be built by fostering open communication, understanding the avoidant person's fears and needs, and creating a consistent and reliable relationship dynamic that can rewire their attachment style over time.
What is the special offer mentioned by Adam Lane Smith for those looking to build a strong relationship with an avoidantly attached partner?
-The special offer is a 25% discount on his video course 'How to Love An Avoidant Man' using the code 'YouTube 25', which provides a roadmap to foster a strong relationship with an avoidantly attached partner.
Outlines
🔒 Understanding the First Year with an Avoidant Partner
Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist, explains that individuals with an avoidant attachment style may appear inauthentic during the first year of a relationship due to the influence of temporary neurotransmitters and dopamine, which creates a false sense of connection. This period is marked by 'novelty dopamine,' which typically lasts about five months before fading, leading to the 'dopamine cliff.' Avoidant individuals often lack oxytocin bonding, which is crucial for emotional connection. Smith emphasizes the importance of building trust, addressing fear of engulfment, and fostering secure attachment to help avoidant partners transition from a dopamine-driven to an oxytocin-bonded relationship.
🛡 Establishing Trust with Avoidant Partners
The second paragraph delves into the necessity of establishing trust with avoidant partners. Trust is a gradual process for avoidant individuals who are cautious about vulnerability. Smith outlines four levels of trust: consistency and self-policing, clear goals, acceptance without rejection, and mutual fulfillment. By demonstrating these levels of trust, partners can create a safe environment for avoidant individuals to open up emotionally. The paragraph also highlights the importance of being patient and supportive while also challenging the avoidant partner in a reasonable manner, which is crucial for building a strong foundation for a lasting relationship.
🚦 Navigating the Testing Phases in Relationships with Avoidant Individuals
In the third paragraph, Smith discusses the initial stages of a relationship with an avoidant partner as a testing phase where they may push boundaries, create distance, or withdraw to gauge reactions. He advises patience and support while maintaining reasonable conversations. The paragraph emphasizes addressing the avoidant partner's fear of engulfment by respecting their need for independence and establishing clear boundaries. It also stresses the importance of building a secure attachment base, which can rewire the avoidant person's attachment style over time, leading to a more comfortable and authentic connection.
💖 Fostering Emotional Intimacy and Long-Term Bonding
The final paragraph focuses on fostering emotional intimacy and long-term bonding with avoidant partners. Smith explains that avoidant individuals can become devoted and loving once they feel secure and bonded. He suggests using clear communication to understand and address each other's needs. The paragraph concludes with a special offer for a video course called 'How to Love an Avoidant Man,' which provides a roadmap for building a strong relationship with an avoidant partner. Smith also recommends watching a video on emotional intimacy to further enhance understanding and connection.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Avoidant Attachment Style
💡Novelty Dopamine
💡Oxytocin Bonding
💡Cortisol
💡Trust
💡Fear of Engulfment
💡Testing the Waters
💡Secure Attachment Base
💡Independence
💡Emotional Intimacy
Highlights
Avoidant attachment style individuals may not reveal their true feelings until about a year into a relationship.
The first year of a relationship with an avoidant person is often based on temporary neurotransmitters and false feelings.
Adam Lane Smith, an attachment specialist, has over 10 years of experience working with avoidant individuals.
Novelty dopamine, which provides excitement in new relationships, typically lasts for the first five months.
After the 'dopamine cliff', oxytocin bonding should take over, but avoidant individuals often lack this bonding.
Avoidant people may not be aware of the oxytocin bonding process due to blocked receptors by cortisol.
Establishing clear trust is crucial in the first year of a relationship with an avoidant person.
Avoidant individuals require time to observe consistency, reliability, and acceptance before risking intimacy.
Four levels of trust are identified to help avoidant people feel secure and open up in a relationship.
The first year serves as a testing ground for avoidant people to gauge reactions to their behavior.
Addressing the fear of engulfment is essential for avoidant individuals who value independence.
Building a secure attachment base can rewire an avoidant person's attachment style and brain chemistry.
Avoidant people may respond with love, devotion, and loyalty once they feel securely bonded.
The 'How to Love an Avoidant Man' video course offers a roadmap for fostering a secure relationship with an avoidant partner.
Using the code 'YouTube 25' provides a 25% discount on the course.
Emotional intimacy is a significant challenge for avoidant partners and their loved ones.
A video on 'What is Emotional Intimacy' is recommended for further understanding and communication about this topic.
Transcripts
you might not know your partner's true
self I mean their secret heart if you're
dating somebody with avoidant attachment
style you probably won't know what
they're really thinking until around the
oneyear mark everything up to that point
is based on temporary neurotransmitters
false feelings and games that you might
both be playing I'm Adam Lane Smith the
attachment specialist I've worked with
couples for Years first as a licensed
marriage and family therapist now as a
coach specializing in attachment Theory
I am the attachment specialist and today
I'm here to show you how avoidant people
actually live in their relationships for
those who are new to this channel I've
been working with avoidant individuals
specifically for well over 10 years
again as part of my therapy and coaching
careers I've heard their secrets and
I've helped them repair their ability to
bond and I've analyzed indepth the
repeated patterns that I keep seeing
again and again in every avoidant person
that I work with in this video today I'm
going to show you why an avoidant
person's first year of any relationship
is based on false connection and why
most relationships break up at one year
and what both of you can do if you want
to build a strong enduring relationship
pattern together I'm also going to give
you a special offer for a resource
that's going to build a great
relationship with someone who's
avoidantly attached and get you to that
50-year Mark where you're both smiling
laughing together and sharing a
Wonderful Life as a couple if you want
to reach that point watch till the end
of this video you're going to have that
special offer so let's start first with
the why of why the first year is so fake
so why do avoidant people present a
False Image in that first year of a
relationship I'll be honest with you
it's not because they're trying to lie
to you most avoidantly attached people
are actually very honest it's actually
that they don't know how to engage with
you in any other way that's more honest
than the false front that they're
presenting let's talk about novelty
dopamine novelty dopamine is that
experience you have when you're around a
new partner having new experiences
looking at new body parts doing new
activities and having a fun New
Experience novelty dopamine tends to
last the first five months after five
months it begins to fall off I call this
the dopamine Cliff it can go away at
four months five months 6 months but
definitely by seven months you're gone
okay some couples can extend that
dopamine a little bit with fun
activities getting someone else involved
toys lingerie we have a whole theme park
of delights for people desperately
trying to bring back the novelty
dopamine in their relationship but
dopamine isn't the answer it's a lack of
something called oxytocin bonding that
is supposed to be happening most most
avoidantly attached people are not
properly oxytocin bonded in fact that's
one of the defining features of avoidant
attachment style for anyone who's
watched the number of avoidantly
attached videos here on this channel
you'll understand what I mean when I say
their oxytocin receptors are being
blocked by C cortisol and their oxytocin
receptors in many cases have shifted to
accept vasopressin instead so even if
they do get a little bit of oxytocin
they're getting a dwindling amount a
small amount compared to what they could
be getting and they avoid the activities
they're going to release dopamine or
release oxytocin anyway they're really
dependent on dopamine their cortisol
goes up because they have low Gaba
because of the low oxytocin so they're
not resilient at all they get cortisol
at the drop of a hat and then they have
to flood with dopamine to try to bring
that back down which is why they're
dependent on the do dopamine they also
think that other people feel the same
way they do so they don't understand
that other people are getting oxytocin
bonding they think relationships are an
exchange of dopamine so for the first
seven months you're trying to give each
other dopamine and hoping to extend the
dopamine and hoping to have a fun time
temporarily until it falls apart this is
why most avoidant people are fairly fake
in that first year again not because
they're lying but because it's a game of
giving each other dopamine until you
can't anymore more at one year your
dopamine novelty is gone it's very hard
to even extend it Beyond one year
oxytocin should have taken over well in
advance and your bonding should be going
up through the roof this is why most
people are aiming for moving in together
getting married getting engaged having
children doing deeper commitment level
things at one year but avoidant people
don't and they don't understand why
other people are doing that cuz they're
less happy than
ever okay this is why most couples end
up breaking piing up at one year this is
that huge gigantic oneyear wall of I'm
having diminished returns my life is not
happy I am not happy nobody's happy
you're demanding more and more from me I
don't get it this is why avoidantly
attach people at one year say how could
you want to stay in this and get married
I've never been more
miserable that's the one year wall but
for the couples who make it P that wall
they do four key things differently in
their first year together that helps
that avoidant person Bond properly now
these changes are so significant that
when avoidant coaching clients come to
me seeking help to overcome their
attachment issues they cite this
relationship Dynamic these four things
as the one key piece that has made them
finally question their old patterns and
they say these four approaches are how
they knew their partner was the love of
their life that they could not lose so
here are the four approaches the four
key things you must do differently in
your first year together if you want to
keep your avoidant partner with you and
hi avoidant people I know you're here
watching this too these are the four key
things you need to be setting up and
making sure that your partner is capable
of so that you can both move forward
into a bonded relationship okay let's go
into step number one first thing you
have to do is establish clear trust now
trust is a slow burn okay especially
avoidant people avoidant people are wary
of getting hurt they build trust
gradually they take time to feel safe
enough to be vulnerable and to open up
emotionally all those are words by the
way that make them throw up they
wouldn't describe it as I need to feel
safe to become vulnerable and open up
emotionally they would probably rather
have their fingernails ripped off but
that's ultimately what's happening we
need to create a place where they feel
that it makes sense that they're not
going to get blindsided by somebody
because the person's trustworthy then
the person can open up and show who they
are and then they can open up and bond
properly with the other individual and
give them trust there needs to be a
clear framework one year fully allows a
person to observe your consistency
reliability and your ability to accept
others before risking that intimacy okay
most avoidant people here on this
channel hi guys the most of you came in
you've been watching me secretly and
silently lurking in the shadows totally
cool for about six months it takes six
months for most avoidant people to hear
about me watch me and then decide to
leave a comment DM me on one of my
platforms send me an email even just
acknowledge that they're watching
because for that first 6 months they're
wondering how I'm going to backtrack how
I'm going to run Rob them how I'm going
to jump through the screen and start
stealing money out of their wallet
they're trying to figure out what it is
that's making me different and if I'm
just a sham and I get that and I
understand that so by all means keep
circling you're totally cool I'm not
going to grab you don't worry but this
is this is the process you guys it takes
consistency reliability acceptance of
others reason logic speaking a person's
language okay there's four levels of
trust and I teach this inside my
coaching practice but really quick what
you need to know is number one a person
must be consistent and they have to be
self-policing with a clear code of
conduct that they make explicit to the
other person okay the avoidant person
has to see that there's a Code of
Conduct happening they know what it is
that person not only is consistent with
it during times of stress but then self-
polices themselves if they ever deviate
from it okay absolutely mandatory number
two goals you have to have a clear
specific goal that the avoid person
knows and can respect that you continue
to show focus on during times of stress
and if you ever deviate from it you
self-correct yourself back to it these
two things make you worthy of trust
because they don't have to watch you
like a hawk and then believe that you're
going to shank them in the ribs the
first moment you get they know that
you're going to De not deviate too much
you're going to go back to your goals
and your values and they don't have to
be the one keeping you self- policed in
line okay very important number three
acceptance can you accept the avoidant
person and their needs and their
challenges and whatever they have and
also not overwhelm them demand them
judge them a lot of avoidant people are
actually afraid of rejection and they
get hurt by it quite a bit it's
disappointing it's hurtful and it's
scary can you accept them without
rejection without rejecting them well
still holding them accountable and can
you take full ownership of your own
problems the things you're doing if you
can do that you're reliable at level
three and that opens the possibility of
level four mutually fulfilling yes will
you make it clear to them what you're
looking for in a relationship but will
you also listen to them about what's
clear and what they need in relationship
and then do it that's level four these
are the four levels of trust you have to
establish all of this as quickly as
possible and then maintain it and keep
looking at it through that entire year
if you can do that with an avoid in
person by the end of that year that
avoidant person will be eating out of
the palm of your hand so to speak if
they go from scared cat to loving
connected companion because they have
you have earned and established and
proven their trust in you over and over
and over and that's something they don't
they don't find in this world so build
that trust absolutely mandatory must be
in the first year as quickly as possible
within the first month if you can and
then allow them to Circle you and watch
you for 11 months at one year they know
who you are and you've built that solid
trust that's where oxytocin Bonnie and
everything comes in because their stress
level is low enough to finally trust you
okay number two second thing you have to
do is test the waters the initial stages
of a relationship might feel like a test
for avoidant people they might
unconsciously push boundaries with you
create distance or withdraw to gauge
reaction if you remain patient and
supportive while still calling them out
having conversations and being
reasonable if they have a need they pull
away if they get worried they pull away
if you go through stress you manage it
properly this is a massive testing
period the first year should be avoiding
people actually get this right the first
year is a massive testing ground to see
who's going to
break they get this very right so
understand that the first year is a
testing ground I understand that the
first six months is a testing ground for
avoiding people and then the first
Contact they have with me and then the
next couple of emails this is why they
email me at six months and then they go
away for a month to see if I'm going to
chase them then I don't so they email me
again then we have a few emails then
they go away then they come back then we
have a couple more emails then they sign
up for my coaching or they sign up for
my mentorship group maybe they buy a
course maybe they buy a book whatever it
might be and they see how I react and
they see what I'm going to do and then
they come into the first call with me
and they're nervous that I'm going to
grab them there and somehow some ruin
their life at that moment and then as we
start to build a relationship they ease
into it understand that everything is a
testing phase with them you have tests
to pass and it's not are you a good
person it's are you worthy of trust go
back to that first trusting method but
the whole first year is a testing ground
understand that and test them too
challenge them smartly logically calmly
and reasonably challenge them on the
things that they do ask them questions
about it very very important the the
third thing you have to do is address
Their Fear of
engulfment
okay avoiding people cherish their
independence shock I know they they're
afraid of losing themselves in a
relationship they're afraid of being
swallowed alive they're afraid of being
enslaved into the
relationship okay many of them had
Parents growing up maybe an anxious mom
who forced them to soothe her needs for
them to stay safe they had to soothe mom
so mom wouldn't fly off the handle and
do something stupid that was what their
brain said so a lot of them grew up
soothing
mom understand that they don't want to
be engulfed by your needs they want to
connect but they're afraid of being
Shackled they're afraid that if they
come in close to you you're going to
grab them slap a collar on them chain
them to the wall and say this is where
you live
now now after a
year they might feel more comfortable
expressing their individuality they
interests knowing that you value their
sense of self if you spend that first
year building those boundaries and
saying look how much time apart do you
need how much time on your own do you
need okay let's build that in let's
build that into our weekly schedule
where you are guaranteed time to
yourself okay important to have this and
then what do you expect from each other
really because avoiding people will
overg give thinking that they have to
maintain your mood for you all the time
again that's how they police other
people and make other people be good
sane reasonable other people are not
self- policing with their values and
their goals right so they make other
people act better by decreasing other
people's stress but then it's exhausting
talk about what you expect talk about
what you don't
expect help them understand they will
not be engulfed by your emotions this is
mandatory okay no one wants to be
engulfed by emotions
maybe massively codependent anxiously
attached people but then only for a
short time even they burn out on it so
understood avoidant people cherish that
Independence okay after that year of
building this and helping them structure
it and then frankly they should be
asking you and being clear about it it's
important you can foster that
Independence and that security for them
after that one
year this again will help them bond with
oxytocin vasopressin Gaba serotonin
they're going to say I've never felt
this way before I didn't even know a
human could feel this way
I didn't even know I could have a
connection with somebody like this
they're going to be blown away by what
you're offering them the fourth thing
you have to do is build a secure
attachment base in your relationship
over time a secure and consistent
relationship Dynamic can begin to rewire
the avoidant person's attachment style
their brain chemistry their hormones
Everything Changes through their entire
brain and body it's incredible the
transformation that happens when an
avoidant person is actually linked up
with a securely attached person they
might start will usually start to feel
much more comfortable depending on you
expressing your true self and allowing
them to express their true self in the
relationship and to be received remember
avoidantly attached people are afraid of
rejection not because they think they're
inherently unlovable but they think
other people are incapable of accepting
Foster secure attachment with all the
things we've talked about here so far by
having clear conversations with them
saying hey I've observed this you you
seem to be doing this tell me about that
let's talk about that is that a problem
that needs to be fixed do you need
something how can we fix this together
don't be a doormat to them this is not
at all what I would ever encourage
anybody do not be a
doormat build real Mutual
fulfillment avoidant people usually
respond with shock and pleas pleas
pleased
surprise and then
love and then real love and then
devotion and
loyalty because they've never felt this
before and they're grateful most people
get this very wrong they think that
avoidant people are ungrateful and
selfish and entitled and in fact
avoidant people have never really felt
bonded or like anyone has really cared
for them when they actually feel it they
become some of the most devoted loving
fulfilling caring people on the planet
okay they will guard you against threats
and risks they will defend you with
their
life but first you have to help them
feel bonded
or they feel like they have nothing in
this
relationship now to be clear some
avoidant people might program with this
really really quick because they've been
looking for it they've been hoping for
it maybe they've had a little bit of a
taste of it and they're ready to make a
move forward maybe they're just a little
bit of avoidant other avoidant people
are going to take a little bit
longer okay they might surprise you
early or they might hold out on that
vulnerability for quite some time really
a huge piece of that though is do you
help help them feel secure if you you
help them feel exceptionally secure they
usually pop open like
that so if you need some help you
generating these effective results okay
I do have a course that could be helpful
I have something called How to Love An
avoidant man it's a video course
designed to walk you through all the
things we talked about here in this
video in depth you can watch it yourself
and apply it you can watch it together
and work on it together it also teaches
you their specific specific risk focused
language that's going to be most helpful
in understanding exactly what they're
saying to you and help you them
understand what you're trying to say to
them now the first year of a
relationship you guys is crucial to set
up the rest of your life together if
your partner is putting up a false front
not as a manipulation tactic but because
they don't know how else to connect with
you the first year will lead only to
heartbreak but if you can set up that
first year properly and form an
authentic connection with them you can
build a bond that lasts a lifetime so
make sure that you're fostering the
right trust and intimacy with them the
sort that they've never known before
with anybody so they understand you are
the right one for them and you don't
lose this wonderful shot at real
happiness together and please remember
that how to love and avoidant man video
course that's available it gives you the
proven road map to Foster that
relationship together in fact if you use
offer YouTube 25 that code that will
give you 25% off the course you can
click the link Down Below in the show
notes YouTube 25 it'll give you you 25%
off the ticket price that's my special
offer to you to help you protect your
relationship I'm Adam Lane Smith the
attachment specialist it has been an
honor working with you here today thank
you for giving me your time and one
major problem that I have seen with
avoidant partners and their loved ones
is that few people can ever explain what
emotional intimacy even is or why it's
important so I built a video to help you
do that I recommend you check out one of
my most popular videos of all time on
this channel called what is emotion
intimacy it can help you answer that
question to your partner and help you
articulate together what you're going to
create I'll see you in that video
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