Financial Dependency — The Invisible Weapon | Estelle Gibson | TEDxDayton

Summary

The speaker shares her personal journey with financial dependency, starting from childhood lessons at the kitchen table to managing her own finances as a CPA. She experienced the emotional toll of financial dependency, both through marriage and divorce, highlighting the invisible scars left by financial abuse. The talk emphasizes the importance of financial literacy, awareness, and support networks to break free from dependency and achieve financial freedom.

Takeaways

• 👨‍👧 The speaker's father taught her about money management from a young age, but also instilled a sense of secrecy about financial matters.
• 🏦 At 16, the speaker began managing her own money, demonstrating early financial independence.
• 🎓 Despite becoming a CPA, the speaker experienced financial struggles, including debt accumulation, due to life events like student loans and divorce.
• 💔 After an unexpected divorce, the speaker was left financially vulnerable, highlighting the risks of financial dependency.
• 🔒 Financial dependency can occur when one person manages all the money, leading to a lack of personal involvement and understanding of financial matters.
• 🤝 Dependency with choice is when individuals willingly hand over financial control, often due to a desire to avoid dealing with money.
• 😔 Dependency without choice occurs when individuals are trapped in financial situations they cannot escape, such as job unhappiness or living with family after a crisis.
• 🤑 Financial abuse is a form of control in relationships, where one person has power due to the other's lack of access to money or resources.
• 💼 The Allstate Foundation's 'Purple Purse' program aims to empower domestic violence victims through financial education and resources.
• 📚 Financial literacy is crucial for making informed decisions about savings, investing, budgeting, and debt management.
• 🌐 There are free resources available online and in local communities to help individuals learn about and establish healthy money habits.
• 🗣️ Sharing personal stories of financial dependency can empower others and help to break the silence around this often-hidden issue.

Q & A

What was the speaker's early experience with money management?

The speaker's father managed all the family's finances and started teaching her about money at the age of eight or nine. They would sit at the kitchen table, and her father would show her bank books and how he saved and paid bills.

Why did the speaker's father tell her not to tell her mother about their money discussions?

The exact reason is unknown to the speaker, but it instilled in her a sense of secrecy about financial matters, which she carried into adulthood.

How did the speaker's early lessons influence her approach to managing her own finances?

The early lessons inspired her to manage her own money from the age of 16, when she got her first job and her father gave her her own bank book.

What challenges did the speaker face in her financial life after college and starting her career?

The speaker faced the challenge of accumulating debt, paying it off, and then accumulating more, which is a common financial roller-coaster that many people experience.

How did the speaker's financial situation change after her unexpected divorce?

After her divorce, she was left with a house she couldn't afford and bills she couldn't pay, which forced her to confront her financial dependency and lack of control over her own finances.

What is financial dependency according to the speaker?

Financial dependency is a state where someone relies on another person, job, or situation for money and feels trapped. It can occur when someone willingly hands over their financial power and participation.

What are the two categories of financial dependency mentioned in the script?

The two categories are dependent with choice, where someone willingly hands over financial power, and dependent without a choice, where someone feels trapped due to their financial situation.

What is the significance of the 'purple purse' program by the Allstate Foundation?

The 'purple purse' program helps victims of domestic violence through financial empowerment. It highlights that financial abuse is a significant factor in keeping victims trapped in abusive relationships.

Why is financial abuse referred to as 'the invisible weapon'?

Financial abuse is called 'the invisible weapon' because, unlike physical abuse which leaves visible bruises and scars, financial abuse leaves emotional scars that are not easily seen.

What are the three problems the speaker identifies in relation to financial dependency and how can they be addressed?

The three problems are lack of awareness, lack of information about financial literacy, and lack of giving and getting support. They can be addressed by becoming aware of one's financial beliefs and experiences, improving financial literacy through education, and seeking and providing support through resources and sharing stories.

What is the speaker's hope in sharing her story?

The speaker hopes that by sharing her story, more people will learn about financial dependency, feel empowered to share their own stories, and connect with others to shed light on this often-hidden issue, ultimately leading to financial freedom.

Outlines

00:00

💼 Early Money Lessons and Financial Dependency

The speaker recounts her childhood, where her father taught her about money management, but also instilled a sense of secrecy, saying 'don't tell your mother.' This early lesson influenced her to become financially independent from a young age, managing her own finances since she was 16. However, after a divorce, she found herself in financial hardship, having become financially dependent on her husband. The speaker explains the concept of financial dependency, where individuals rely on another person, job, or situation for financial support, feeling trapped. She categorizes dependency into 'with choice,' where one willingly gives up financial control, and 'without choice,' which can result from unfortunate circumstances or financial abuse. The speaker highlights the Allstate Foundation's 'Purple Purse' program, which aims to empower victims of domestic violence through financial education, noting the prevalence of financial abuse in such cases.

05:01

🌐 Breaking the Silence on Financial Dependency

The speaker discusses the emotional impact of financial dependency, including feelings of hopelessness, guilt, shame, and depression. She emphasizes the invisibility of financial dependency, as it is often not discussed openly due to societal norms and personal reluctance to reveal vulnerabilities. The speaker shares her journey of rebuilding her life after divorce, gaining self-awareness about her upbringing's influence on her financial decisions. She stresses the importance of financial literacy, which involves understanding various financial concepts to make informed decisions. The speaker points out the lack of financial education in schools and the widespread financial illiteracy in the U.S. She encourages individuals in financial dependency situations to take control of their finances and, for those in abusive situations, to seek access to their financial information. The speaker also highlights the availability of free resources for financial education and support, especially for victims of financial abuse, and the importance of sharing personal stories to empower others and foster a community of support.

Keywords

💡Financial Management

Financial management refers to the process of organizing, planning, directing, and controlling financial activities such as saving, investing, and budgeting. In the video, the speaker's father taught her about financial management from a young age, showing her bank books and how he saved and paid bills, which is a foundational concept in understanding the theme of financial dependency and literacy.

💡Bank Book

A bank book, as mentioned in the script, is an old-fashioned record of financial transactions, typically used before the advent of online banking. It symbolizes the tangible aspect of financial management and is used in the narrative to illustrate the speaker's early introduction to financial concepts.

💡Financial Dependency

Financial dependency is a state where an individual relies on another person, job, or situation for financial support and feels trapped. The video's theme revolves around this concept, as the speaker describes her own experience of becoming financially dependent on her husband, which led to her losing control over her finances.

💡CPA

CPA stands for Certified Public Accountant, a professional designation for those who have met specific educational, experience, and ethical requirements. The speaker mentions her career as a CPA to highlight the contrast between her professional expertise in managing other people's money and her personal experience of financial dependency.

💡Student Loans

Student loans are financial instruments taken out by students to cover the cost of education. In the script, the speaker mentions accumulating student loan debt, which is a common financial challenge that many people face and can contribute to financial dependency.

💡Debt

Debt is an amount of money borrowed by one party from another, with an agreement to repay it in the future. The video discusses the cycle of accumulating and paying off debt, which is a significant aspect of financial management and a contributor to financial dependency.

💡Divorce

Divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage. The speaker's unexpected divorce left her with financial burdens she could not manage, illustrating how life events can lead to financial dependency and the need for financial literacy.

💡Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence where one partner controls the other through financial means. The video mentions financial abuse as a type of dependency without choice, where victims are trapped due to lack of access to money or resources.

💡Purple Purse

The Purple Purse is a program by the Allstate Foundation that aims to help victims of domestic violence achieve financial empowerment. The video uses this as an example of resources available to combat financial abuse and dependency.

💡Financial Literacy

Financial literacy is the knowledge and skills required to make informed decisions about financial matters. The video emphasizes the importance of financial literacy as a means to break free from financial dependency and make sound financial decisions.

💡Emotional Scars

Emotional scars refer to the psychological impact and emotional damage caused by experiences such as financial abuse or dependency. The video discusses how financial dependency and abuse can leave invisible emotional scars, such as hopelessness and lack of self-esteem.

💡Self-Development

Self-development involves activities and learning aimed at improving one's personal skills, knowledge, and well-being. The speaker mentions taking self-development courses and reading self-help books to understand her financial dependency and to rebuild her life after divorce.

💡Support

Support in the context of the video refers to the assistance and resources available to help individuals overcome financial dependency and abuse. It includes listening to others' stories without judgment and sharing one's own experiences to empower others.

Highlights

The speaker grew up in a family where her father managed all the money.

At eight or nine, her father began teaching her about money and accounts.

The father's secretive approach to money management was instilled in the speaker.

At 16, the speaker started managing her own money after her father gave her a bank book.

Despite being a CPA, the speaker experienced debt accumulation and financial instability.

An unexpected divorce left the speaker with financial burdens she couldn't manage alone.

Financial dependency can occur when one person manages all the money in a relationship.

Financial dependency can be voluntary, as when one partner hands over financial control.

Financial dependency can also be involuntary, such as when someone is trapped in an abusive relationship.

Financial abuse is a form of control that leaves emotional scars, often unseen.

The Allstate Foundation's Purple Purse program aims to empower domestic violence victims financially.

Financial abuse is referred to as the 'invisible weapon' because it leaves no physical marks.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of awareness, financial literacy, and support to combat financial dependency.

Financial literacy is crucial for making informed decisions about money.

Only seventeen U.S. states required financial literacy in high school curriculums as of 2018.

The speaker encourages sharing personal stories to empower others and break the cycle of financial dependency.

The speaker hopes her story will inspire others to seek financial freedom and support.

Transcripts

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

I grew up in a family where my father

managed all the money but for some

reason when I was eight or nine years

old he started showing me things about

money we would sit at the kitchen table

and he'd show me all the bank books now

that was back in the day before the

internet when we used to have little

books that we used to keep our

information in and he would show me how

he saved in these accounts and he paid

bills out of these and every time he

would show me something about money he

would end by saying and don't you tell

your mother now to this day I really

don't know why he said that but what I

do know is to that eight-year-old girl

sitting at the kitchen table

it meant don't say a word

years later when I got my first job my

father said you'll bring me your check

and I'll put it in the bank for you but

because of what he had taught me years

before I said I'd like my bank book and

to my surprise he gave it to me right

then at 16 years old I began managing my

own money I went on to college and then

to start my new career as a CPA but now

with student loans getting an apartment

and a new job I began the roller-coaster

ride of accumulating debt paying it off

and accumulating more many years later

after getting married I went through an

unexpected divorce and I was left with a

house I couldn't afford and bills I

couldn't pay you might be wondering how

does that happen to someone that's

educated and skilled at managing

people's money I had reverted back to

what I learned growing up that one

person managed all the money I had

handed over my financial power and I had

become financially dependent financial

dependency is when someone is dependent

on a person a job or situation for money

and they feel trapped people fall into

two categories dependent with choice and

dependent without a choice

someone is dependent with choice when

they hand over their financial power and

their participation it can happen in

personal or business relationships when

one person doesn't want to be involved

with the money so they hand over

responsibilities to a spouse a partner

or professional like an accountant to

her manager this was my situation I

spent all day long managing other

people's money so I was relieved that my

husband was interested and good at

managing Mars I was free for the first

time since that first job at 16 years

old I didn't have to be responsible for

managing my money but what I failed to

realize was what felt like freedom was

really dependency my mistake is that I

didn't stay involved or understand what

was going on with our money you may have

experienced this yourself

or you may have heard stories of

celebrities or professional athletes

that have relied on family friends and

others to manage their money and they

are left broke bankrupt and betrayed

because they made the choice to hand

over their financial power someone

that's dependent without a choice feels

trapped because of their financial

situation they can be in a job or career

where they're unhappy or being harassed

but they can't afford to leave or

someone that's had to move in with

family and friends because they've had

an illness or gone through a divorce or

experienced a tragedy and now they're

financially dependent on others and how

many of us know someone that has an

elderly parent or a relative that can no

longer take care of themselves and

they're left to rely on others sometimes

handing over their homes their money and

other assets another type of dependency

without a choice is financial abuse

financial abuse is a pattern of abusive

behavior used to control and intimidate

a partner victims are in a relationship

and the other person has power over them

because they don't have access to money

information or the resources and support

they need to leave the Allstate

Foundation has a program called the

purple purse that helps victims of

domestic violence through financial

empowerment

they report that 99% in 99 out of 100

domestic violence cases financial abuse

helps keep victims trapped in their

relationship the purple purse has coined

financial abuse the invisible weapon

because physical abuse leaves bruises

and scars the financial abuse doesn't

financial abuse and financial dependency

leave emotional scars that you can't see

they include hopelessness guilt shame

depression lack of confidence and self

esteem financial dependency is also

invisible because no one's talking about

it why because no one wants to show

their emotional scars and because we're

taught in our homes on our jobs and in

our community not to talk about money so

many people that I talk to about this

issue they can relate and they have a

story but they're not telling anyone

their story what I was told the kitchen

table don't you tell I never told anyone

it's even hard for me right now to break

that rule that I learned so long ago so

what can I do what can you do what can

we all do to disarm this invisible

weapon we can solve three problems the

first problem is lack of awareness

because knowing about money and having

money aren't always the solution in my

situation I was educated and experienced

in managing money but that didn't stop

me from becoming financially dependent

why because of the beliefs and

experiences I had growing up one person

manages all the money after my divorce I

had to rebuild my life financially and

emotionally so I took every

self-development course and I read every

self-help book I could find and that's

when I began to understand the dynamics

of the family that I grew up in and how

they played a role in me handing over my

financial power when you become aware of

your inner bruises and scars you can

begin to break free from

financial dependency the next problem is

lack of information about financial

literacy financial literacy is having

the skills and the knowledge to make

informed decisions about your money it

includes topics like savings and

investing budgeting and debt in 2018

only seventeen states required financial

literacy in high school curriculums this

corresponds with recent studies that

show that sixty-six percent of Americans

are financially illiterate if you are in

a financial dependency situation start

by looking and going through your

finances making decisions participate in

making decisions about your money if you

are in a financial abuse situation get

access to your information look for

financial documents like bank credit

card statements social security

information and account passcodes the

last problem is lack of giving and

getting support many people don't know

that there are free resources online and

in your local community to help you

learn and establish healthy money habits

there are also free resources if you are

a victim of financial abuse like the

purple purse giving support includes

listening to others that are financially

dependent without judgment or criticism

it also involves sharing your story

because when you share your story you

empower others and you give them the

permission to rewrite their own it's my

hope that by sharing my story more

people will learn about financial

dependency will share their own stories

and will connect with others to shed a

light on this hidden issue so that we

can all have financial freedom

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]