dyeing my hair & LIFE UPDATE: why i moved out, dw i went to the hospital im ok now

Summary

In this emotional video, the creator candidly discusses their struggles with mental health, including suicidal thoughts and attempts, amidst personal and family conflicts. They share their journey of seeking help, coping with a separation from their spouse, and navigating a strained relationship with their mother. The video also touches on their experience with a new medication, Abilify, and the challenges they face in balancing their educational responsibilities with their mental well-being.

Takeaways

• 😔 The speaker is struggling with suicidal thoughts and has attempted suicide multiple times in the past six months.
• 💊 They mention taking a new medication, Abilify, which they find helpful and have started recently.
• 🏠 The speaker has moved to a friend's house, seeking a change of environment due to feeling trapped and unwell at home.
• 👩‍❤️‍👨 They are currently separated from their husband, Michael, due to emotional distress and conflicts in their relationship.
• 🚫 The speaker has a no-contact order with their mother due to harassment and unwanted contact.
• 👩‍🏫 They express frustration with a professor who did not acknowledge their excused absences and threatened them with failing the course.
• 👩‍🦰 The speaker is undergoing a hair treatment process and shares their experience with a L'Oreal product.
• 🤝 They mention making new friends and the importance of surrounding themselves with supportive people.
• 💔 The speaker feels unloved and unsupported by their husband, which contributes to their emotional distress.
• 🏥 They have been admitted to a psychiatric ward and are receiving help from various professionals, including Child Protection Services.
• 📚 The speaker is dealing with academic challenges, including a missed exam and issues with a professor regarding attendance policies.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script?

The main theme of the video script revolves around the creator's struggles with mental health, suicidal thoughts, and her attempts to cope with personal issues including a strained relationship with her husband and family.

How many times has the creator attempted suicide in the last six months according to the script?

The creator initially exaggerates the number of suicide attempts but then clarifies that it has been around 20 times in the last six months.

What is the significance of the 'casting gloss' mentioned in the script?

The 'casting gloss' is a hair product from L'Oreal that the creator uses in the video. It is made of 90% natural ingredients and is part of her attempt to blend a demarcation line in her hair.

What is the creator's current marital status as described in the script?

The creator is currently separated from her husband, Michael, due to her mental health struggles and the desire for more personal freedom and less control.

What is the 'no contact order' mentioned by the creator?

The 'no contact order' is a request made by the creator to her mother to cease all forms of contact, including messages, calls, and visits, as part of her quest for peace and to stop the harassment she feels she is experiencing.

How does the creator describe her relationship with her mother?

The creator describes her relationship with her mother as abusive, with a history of physical violence during her childhood and ongoing emotional distress due to her mother's controlling behavior.

What is the creator's view on her husband's support for her?

The creator feels that her husband does not support her in the way she needs, often rationalizing his actions and not acknowledging her feelings, which contributes to her feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

What is the significance of the 'Dear Diary' reference in the script?

The 'Dear Diary' reference is an allusion to a children's book that the creator cannot fully recall. It seems to symbolize a longing for a simpler time or a different life trajectory.

What is the creator's attitude towards her friends and social life?

The creator values her friends and is making an effort to choose her own friends, rather than those chosen for her or approved by her family. She appreciates the support and understanding they provide.

How does the creator describe her experience with Child Protection Services (CPS)?

The creator acknowledges that CPS is now involved due to her suicidal behavior in front of her children. She sees this as a positive development, as it is providing her with resources and ensuring she gets the help she needs.

What is the creator's current educational situation?

The creator is dealing with academic challenges, including missed exams and issues with a professor regarding absences and grading. She is also dealing with the potential impact of her hospitalization on her studies.

What is the creator's perspective on her self-esteem and self-worth?

The creator recognizes that she has low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth, which has led her to deny her own needs and desires. She is now trying to change this by making decisions for herself and living according to her own values.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Struggling with Mental Health and Personal Relationships

The speaker begins by disclosing their mental health struggles, mentioning multiple suicide attempts over the past six months. They express frustration with their current living situation, feeling trapped and controlled. The speaker also discusses a new medication they're taking, which they find aesthetically pleasing but question its effectiveness. Amidst their distress, they attempt to create a video tutorial for hair care using a L'Oreal product, but their focus frequently shifts back to their emotional turmoil, including a strained marriage and a difficult relationship with their mother, who they've issued a no-contact order to cease harassment.

05:01

😞 Overwhelmed by Life's Challenges and Seeking Support

The speaker continues to detail their emotional state, feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges and the lack of support from their husband and mother. They recount past experiences of physical abuse and emotional distress, leading to feelings of worthlessness and depression. The speaker also discusses their struggles with self-care and personal well-being, as they attempt to create a more positive environment for themselves by making new friends and distancing from toxic relationships. Despite their efforts, they still feel misunderstood and unsupported by their family and are actively seeking help and understanding.

10:06

😖 Desperation for Change and the Impact of Mental Health

The speaker describes their desperation for change and the impact of their mental health on their daily life. They express a desire to live life on their own terms and not be dictated by others' expectations. The speaker talks about their first admission to a psychiatric ward due to repeated suicide attempts and the realization that their friends and family do not understand their emotional needs. They also mention the strain on their marriage and the lack of emotional support from their husband, leading to feelings of isolation and a lack of self-worth.

15:10

😢 Reflecting on Personal Growth and the Importance of Self-Care

The speaker reflects on their journey of personal growth, acknowledging their past mistakes and the need for self-care. They discuss the importance of making their own choices and surrounding themselves with supportive friends. The speaker also talks about their experiences with mental health professionals and the positive impact of receiving help and understanding from them. They express gratitude for the resources provided by Child Protection Services and the motivation to seek therapy and improve their mental health.

20:11

😡 Addressing Educational Challenges and Family Responsibilities

The speaker addresses the challenges they face in their educational pursuits, including issues with a professor who did not properly acknowledge their excused absences, leading to potential academic penalties. They also discuss the impending death of their father due to kidney failure and the emotional burden of providing financial and emotional support to their family. Amidst these challenges, the speaker is trying to balance their own mental health and the need to be there for their loved ones.

25:14

😤 Asserting Independence and Seeking Authentic Living

The speaker asserts their desire for independence and to live an authentic life, free from the constraints and expectations of others. They express frustration with past experiences where they felt suppressed and unable to be themselves. The speaker also discusses their channel's purpose as a safe space for sharing personal struggles and receiving support from the community. They mention a potential new diagnosis of a personality disorder, adding to their existing mental health challenges, and the confrontation with their father about the responsibility for their current situation.

😌 Embracing Self-Love and Looking Forward to Improvement

In the final paragraph, the speaker embraces self-love and expresses optimism for their future. They share their excitement about the positive outcome of a DIY hair care experiment and thank their audience for their support. The speaker also mentions their ongoing treatment and the possibility of a new medication helping them manage their mental health. They conclude by expressing their love for their audience and inviting them to share their thoughts and experiences, emphasizing the importance of community and connection.

Keywords

💡Suicide

Suicide refers to the act of intentionally causing one's own death. In the video's theme, it is a central issue as the speaker discusses their personal struggle with suicidal thoughts and attempts. The speaker mentions having 'attempted suicide like 100 times in the last 6 months,' highlighting the severity of their emotional distress.

💡Medication

Medication in this context refers to drugs prescribed to manage mental health conditions. The speaker talks about taking a new medication, 'Abilify,' which is intended to help with their mental health, illustrating the ongoing treatment they are receiving for their depressive disorder.

💡Separation

Separation here denotes the legal and social process of ending a marriage, which can be temporary or permanent. The speaker discusses being in the process of separating from their husband, 'Michael,' due to the emotional strain caused by their mental health struggles and the lack of support they feel from him.

💡No Contact Order

A no contact order is a legal directive that prohibits an individual from communicating with another. The speaker has implemented this against their mother due to harassment, seeking peace and control over their life, as evidenced by the line 'I also have a no contact order that I gave to my mom because she kept harassing me.'

💡Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. The speaker describes their struggle with 'moderate major depressive disorder,' which significantly impacts their quality of life and daily functioning.

💡Self-Care

Self-care involves activities that individuals do to take care of their mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The speaker expresses frustration with their husband's lack of support for their self-care efforts, such as buying things for themselves to improve their well-being, which they feel is dismissed as a waste of time and money.

💡Personality Disorder

A personality disorder refers to a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior, cognition, and inner experience. The speaker mentions a possible diagnosis of a personality disorder by their psychiatrist, adding another layer to their mental health challenges.

💡Coping Mechanism

A coping mechanism is a strategy used to manage stress or emotional pain. The speaker uses humor and laughter as a way to cope with their feelings, as indicated by the statement, 'making jokes and laughing is my coping mechanism.'

💡Child Protection Services (CPS)

CPS refers to government agencies responsible for the protection of children from abuse and neglect. The speaker mentions that CPS is involved due to their suicidal behavior in front of their children, indicating the serious concern for the family's well-being.

💡Self-Harm

Self-harm involves intentionally causing physical harm to oneself as a way of dealing with emotional pain. The speaker admits to self-harming behaviors, linking it to feelings of self-loathing and a lack of self-esteem, as shown in the phrase 'this is why I self harm.'

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions effectively. The speaker is working on their 'emotional regulation' and 'mental stability,' indicating an awareness of the need to improve their emotional health.

💡Support System

A support system consists of people who provide emotional, financial, or practical assistance. The speaker discusses the importance of having a support system, mentioning friends who help and the lack of support from their husband, which is crucial for their recovery and well-being.

Highlights

The individual discusses their struggle with suicidal thoughts, indicating a serious mental health concern.

Mentions moving to a friend's house as a coping mechanism for their mental state.

Talks about starting a new medication, suggesting a proactive approach to mental health treatment.

Expresses frustration with personal appearance, specifically hair, as a source of distress.

Shares the experience of using a L'Oreal casting gloss, indicating a self-care routine amidst struggles.

Describes feeling overwhelmed and in distress, using humor as a coping mechanism.

Mentions a separation from her husband due to mental health struggles, highlighting the impact on personal relationships.

Discusses financial struggles, including a soft bankruptcy, adding to life's pressures.

Details a no-contact order with her mother due to harassment, showing the strain in familial relationships.

Reflects on the lack of support from her husband and the impact on her mental well-being.

Shares a positive experience with pole dancing as a form of exercise and social interaction.

Talks about making friends independently, signifying a step towards personal autonomy.

Expresses the desire to live life on her own terms, rejecting the expectations of others.

Mentions the involvement of Child Protection Services, indicating concern for the well-being of her children.

Describes the helpfulness of crisis workers, psychiatrists, and social workers in her life.

Discusses academic challenges, including missed exams and communication with professors.

Shares a personal anecdote about a supportive friend, Stacy, emphasizing the importance of positive relationships.

Concludes with a renewed sense of self-love and determination to live life authentically.

Transcripts

oops take two I have to change the

battery hi am at my friend's house I

moved here because I'm

Ill sorry trigger warning this whole

video is going to be about me attempting

suicide like like 100 times in the last

okay not 100 but like

like 50 times in the last maybe not

50 maybe like 20 times in the last 6

months I take my medication look I got

put in this new medication and it's so

cute I feel like I'm dying at

home it's

awful

I am so annoyed at my hair that's not

why I feel like I'm dying but I'm

annoyed at this like demarcation line

right here so I'm going to blend it with

this gloss it's a casting gloss casting

natural gloss from L'Oreal and it's made

of

90% um

natural

ingredients

okay mix apply massage rinse condition

let's

go

sorry distress oh here I'm a mess mess

mess mess mess mess mess I'm a mess in

the I'm wait I'm a

mess in distress but we still the best

dress Fearless

sayess we don't dress to

impress okay um I'm going to tie pieces

of hair

away my

appli will be a oh my gosh this is a

look saam Mari anyone say taka

Marie I look like that girl from um who

was it dear

diary there's like this children's book

like dear diary or something and

then no wasn't no it was the other book

that's like the girl who like has a

friend and then her her friend or like

her enemy is like super popular but then

her enemy as a child used to be her best

friend and then her mom used to tie her

hair like

this okay anyone know that the title of

that book okay so like I talked about

this in the past how like I'm burned out

out I'm tired of working I feel like I'm

working forever and like nothing's going

right we almost went bankrupt actually

we had to do a soft bankruptcy on

Michael's accounts like my my husband

who were in a separation right now

because I'm having like I'm like

suicidal and this is not conducive to

anyone's health so I asked for um us to

sign a separation so that I don't have

to feel like I'm like being jailed or

controlled by him and any of his like

reasonings and justifications of the way

that he rationalizes

life and my emotions and like everything

so that's happening but at the same

time like I was so sick and tired of

working because I was working for no

salary and like I always we took too

many risks because there are so many

things that I like large things that I

wanted and that's because I was never Al

the small things that I would have

wanted in my life like both in my

marriage and also in my childhood and so

like right now I also have a no contact

order that I gave to my mom because she

kept harassing me she kept calling me

and texting me and calling me and

texting me and I told her through

Michael to stop contacting me because I

want some peace like all I want is some

peace and I want you to control my life

and like think the way that I need to

live is according to what you you

proceed the Bible as like [ __ ]

off so then I called the non-emergency

police line and asked them like what can

I do if a family member is like

continuing to harass me and they said

okay well send them a note that's in

written form so that they know to stop

contacting you and you have hard proof

that you've already told them and based

on criminal law they're not allowed to

contact me or harass me or send me any

any forms of contact that's out side of

like that's within what I asked not to

be contacted with so I said like in my

no contact order email I was like don't

message me don't text me

don't don't like don't come to me don't

leave me voice messages which she did

and she left me voice messages like

threatening assault to be be me to a

pulp until I'm close to Dead And she was

like I never raised you beating you yes

you did ma'am you beat me until I was 12

which is majority of my childhood like

what the

[ __ ] and then you turn around and start

like bragging about me because oh look

at my daughter she's so successful now

blah blah blah like no I'm not

successful I'm [ __ ] depressed and I

want to kill

myself this is a

letter let me cry for a second first

and like it doesn't help that my husband

doesn't support me in the things that I

want and like everything that I want and

I want to do the people that I want to

meet and the things that I want to like

buy my buy for myself so that I can

improve my well-being and improve my

like state of like

self-care is like a waste of money and a

waste of time and everything has to be

justified by like what he thinks is

right and wrong and because I wanted

love me cuz I know he doesn't like me

then like I have to just like do that

what I think he wants me to do and be

the person that I think he wants me to

be so that I'm

like I'm like [ __ ]

miserable okay this is a note from oh

wait I keep showing the address this is

a note from um Stacy Stacy finally found

our new PO Box address thank you so much

Stacy for your little card it was a

Valentine's Day card from last month and

it says you are a perfect

friend and then it says to Nai from

Stacy best friend wishing you and your

family what does it

say including your parents happy

Valentine's Day

2024 thank you Stacy this means so much

to me Stacy always sends need like

holiday

cards and my old husband doesn't even

hold my

hat he just stands there when I'm crying

and when I'm upset or even when I'm

happy he just gives me a thumbs up what

the [ __ ] is

that I'm sick and

tired and like I was never allowed to

choose my own friends all my friends are

always

criticized by my mom and my husband oh

I'm so glad they included gloves

because

I I always forget to get gloves and I

love this kit L'Oreal sponsor me please

just kidding they did sponsor me I did

an add for this um for this product and

I really like the result of like my ad

but also um my hair when I dyed it like

brown it was the first time I had it

that brown like my whole head and I

really liked it okay let's mix

this this is the conditioner that you

put at the

end and then this is the number one and

number two so I have to add the number

two into the number

one yeah and then just apply it wait let

me take my clothes off cuz I'm going to

get everything messy do you like my

skirt I got this like on a super sale

it's so cute there's a slit and then

there's like a rouching here on this

side and this huge pocket it's so cute I

love it so much um it was from this

Boutique called

honey and I love this Boutique all their

stuff literally that they like C

rate is so my style and I got this so

this is $110 but I got it on sale for

50 it was such a good

deal and I was shopping with my friend

who I'm pole dancing with because she

wanted to go pole dancing and she's new

to Canada so um we decided to like go

together because she doesn't have a car

and then like it's pretty far ways and

it's good exercise as well so I decided

to go with her and it's always fun to

learn something new with um people that

you Vibe with

so okay let me mix

this here's a tip when you're like

working through something like take out

boxes

or uh

Whatchamacallit back into the box so

that at the end it's like not

messy oh my gosh that's hard to squeeze

so I just been tired of living because I

have not been able to do the things that

like I'm I'm always trying to be a good

girl and like be what everyone wants me

to be because I have no sense of self

and no sense of self-esteem

so now I'm just like [ __ ] you all I'm

going to just do whatever I want

because I'm sick and tired of living

like this and I feel like

dying and so um I finally started making

some friends that I'm choosing for

myself and that are not just chosen for

me and end up being toxic or end up

being people who don't even like me and

then I'm like chasing them around and I

feel like a terrible

person so um starting like September

this school year I started like making

my own friends

and deciding the people that I want to

choose in my life to be the people close

to me instead of people that I think my

family will be happy that I'm friends

with what is wrong with me I'm literally

an idiot

like this is why I self harm okay this

is why I'm like bruising my whole body

everywhere because I'm the literally

dumb okay but

like not

anymore I'm smart

now I I'm I'm living

now oh yeah so I'm doing better um but I

was admitted to the psych word for the

first time because like I kept trying to

attempt suicide whenever I'm like

fighting with Michael because he's not

listening to me and he doesn't hear me

like I'm telling him like how I feel de

and then he's like oh that's because XYZ

I'm like I don't [ __ ] care about

reasons or like why you think it's the

right thing like I'm a funny suicidal

like hello and like my friends are the

ones that made me realize I was living

in in like

a

stupid some kind of like

jail cuz

like my friends are like whenever I'm

like telling them oh I'm trying to work

on my health right now and I'm trying to

work on like my um emotional regulation

and my mental stability and they're like

oh but our personality is normally extra

like I'm like Oh my husband thinks I'm

too extra and then my friend is like

we're usually extra though like that's

just who we

are like why am I never allowed to be

who I am like in my childhood and in my

marriage like I am [ __ ] sick and

tired of this I'm so sorry for swearing

I haven't sworn in like 16 years and now

like I was just like living like a good

girl and now it's like all just coming

out so I'm sorry for being chaotic and

dead

inside oh my my crisis worker at the

hospital was like why do you keep

laughing and making jokes like I don't

think you know how serious this is I'm

like

sir making jokes and laughing is my

coping

mechanism okay I really want this to be

saturated though so I'm going to soak it

no and then anytime I'm like telling how

I feel like okay for example I'm like

you don't even like me you don't you

don't like love me that's why I'm always

upset and that's why I'm always mad and

then he's like I do love you though if I

didn't love you I wouldn't be with you

but that's not what I'm talking about

like like why do you have to rational

loving

me and why can't you just

like acknowledge that I feel like you

don't like me then you should say like

oh what makes you think that way what

makes you feel that way like what can I

do to be better for you like like he

should say those kind of things but then

he's just rationalizing things all the

time and then at one point I was telling

him like I'm losing my feelings for you

I'm losing faith in feeling safe with

you and and I'm like I'm giving up I'm

giving

up I'm literally giving up and then he

started like being better to me and

changing but that only lasted like a

month because now after we signed of

like oh we're no longer allowed to

control each other or like we're no

longer allowed to harass each other or

like um we need to respect each other's

space blah blah blah like after we sign

that paper then he's like you're a

stranger to me now so like I don't I

don't my friends are telling me I don't

owe you anything

like you owe me my whole life what do

you

mean I'm like

[Applause]

okay I I'm not I'm

not okay I'm not perfect either right

like but then to call me abusive for

being being upset for the way you're

acting and treating me is

like like something's

wrong oh my

go something truly what's wrong with the

world Mama people lit like the ain't got

no mama yeah we both don't have moms we

have mommy issues momy

issues hey this is like a great way to

make a balage cuz like the inside is you

know not has dyed and then the outside

is like more dyed and then you get like

you get like a

gradient and then you get a

bage soay highlights low lights

together oh my gosh I'm I'm like I'm

Queen Behavior this is like DIY CEO of

DIY this is CEO of DIY in action should

I have shampooed my hair first

maybe not it didn't say so did it I

didn't read the instructions no you just

apply

it okay

slay I'm tired now I wish someone would

help me with

this see no one's here to help me with

anything just kidding I have friends now

I have a friend who offered me her place

so that I'm not committing suicide at

home I'm like trying to hang myself in

the okay I'm not going to say anything

to like us to not trigger you but like

I'm like trying to jump out

places I'm trying to hang myself

places I'm trying to add some

electricity some

places I'm like trying to blunt object

me some

places it's just not helpy I'm not I'm

not

saying this is not

well so I need more things worth living

and like because he started helping me

with my YouTube

channels like 7 years ago slowly and

slowly like yes there was a time when we

did really well based on algorithm and

blah blah blah but then like the fact

that I was having postp depression and

not allowed to talk about it not allowed

to like show bad sides of myself so that

our family image would be like perfect

at church or or like perfect like online

or whatever like I was suffering like

this is my safe space where I talk about

my problems this is where like I share

with you guys and you guys give me your

opinions and your like stories too and I

get to hear your stories and I get to

like glow

up wait which one's

next so I'm like suffering cuz I have no

friends I have no one to talk to I have

no

[Music]

like no safe places because I feel like

I have to constantly be denying myself

and then when I tell him that I'm like

I'm suffering blah blah blah and then he

and then I'm saying why I feel like I

have to do what I have to do and then

he's like oh it's because your self I

realize it's because your self-esteem is

so low that you feel like you have to

listen to everything I say like yes but

then it's cuz you hate me at the same

time like you don't even like me then

I'm trying to make you like me because I

like you the problem is yeah the problem

is me the problem is me the problem is I

like you too much the problem is I like

you too much and I Deni myself too much

that's a

problem and now I'm [ __ ] sick of it I

want to live now I want to live I'm sick

of dying to myself I want to live

now and like I don't care if everyone in

my life is like panicking thinking I'm

like a psychotic [ __ ] sure I'll be a

psychotic [ __ ] and I'll be a bad [ __ ]

because I'm going to be my own bad [ __ ]

now I don't even care and like it

doesn't help that I'm like suicidal in

front of the kids so like that's not

healthy for them either and now CPS is

involved which is why I was afraid of

taking to myself to the hospital or

talking about my

depression like in the light that it is

because I was afraid this going to

happen but then it's like good that it

happened cuz now they're like providing

such good resources and keeping me in

check and making sure like I'm going to

go get therapy and I'm going to go get

my oh my gosh I'm so sorry yeah my

crisis workers my psychiatrist my social

workers my um Child Protection Services

people like they've all been so helpful

and like why didn't I have this sooner

like I should have been taking to the

hospital at 8 years old when I was

already starting to be suicidal like

like I had no help and it doesn't help

that like all the people who were there

to help me and who were supposed to help

me just locked me up in my room

like when I say I want to work you

should support me in working when I say

I want to like hang out with friends and

make some friends like you should

support me in that like we're here to

support each other we're not here to

like have each other do what each other

want this

sucks I'm okay I'm okay I I started a

new medication oh I already told you um

but that's been like super

helpful cuz they were monitoring it and

the psych and making sure I was okay

it's called

Abilify so it's going to make me

able cuz I'm disabled right now and I

missed my exam

like I missed my exam because of a

logistical issue and then I had to like

get a proctor for my exam and then my

other exam I like this this is okay this

is how not okay I am my other

exam I asked for

um more time because I had started it 30

minutes late thinking that I had an hour

from when I start my exam but I didn't

and then she gave me more time to like

redo my exam but the problem is the more

time she gave me was the time that I was

hospitalized so now I have to email her

again and like I have class with that

professor today and then I have to email

her and like send her the doctor's note

that I have dismissing me from my from

my school duties because I was admitted

to the hospital and then another thing

is like every time I was absent I told

her I was going to be absent so I

excused myself but then she marked me as

absent abset so I lost grades even

though the school policy is like any

unexcused absences is you will be

penalized for but if you excuse your

absence and if you let your professor

know in advance that you won't be

attending because of some issue then

your absence is excused but then she

didn't mark me as an excused absence she

only marked me as an absent absence and

then she emailed me and said that like

oh just a reminder of the school policy

and she's only been at the school for

one year like this is her first year so

like like half a year and a bit but I've

been at the school for 11 years and then

she said that like um oh based on school

policy just a reminder that like one

more absence and you have an automatic

fail in this course but like I didn't

even have any unexcused

absences all my absences were like told

in advance

and like excuse

so there's like so many things

happening there's so many things

happening and then my dad he's going to

die soon because he has kidney failure

and he's doing Di is so he only has like

3 to 5 years left and then my brother's

asking me to like make like Financial um

resources for him and like spend time

with him and that was like one of his

like requests

before I suck at

math I'm

late I'm late to

school I I hate this I love me I love me

I love

me I'm good okay there's some left this

is like a

lot how much is left I think like a

little less than half is left but I'm

going to toss it because I am done let

this process wash my

hair

yeah hey no my elastic bands are a

thing they are a

thing pop off this this is DIY Queen

right here CEO of

DIY coming

through oh my gosh it's going to look so

good it's going to look so good I'm

telling

you my garbage

bag I'm telling you that

too okay I think I like mostly red red

what I wanted to

rant

about I'm going to wash my hair and then

show you the final results if you have

any advice for me or if you have similar

experiences or even if you don't and you

just want to say hi I would really

appreciate it because this is the reason

why I started my channel to begin with

and I was like prevented

from doing what I wanted on my channel

like in my life and just like everything

in general like who I am and I'm sick

and tired of it and I just want to be I

just want to exist I just want to frolic

and Graves and exist and I just want to

be me and enjoy me and enjoy being

me and the psychiatrist that I saw at

the

hospital is um possibly diagnosing me

with a personality disorder as well so

not only do I have a moderate major

depressive disorder but I may have a

personality disorder

and whose fault is that that's what my

dad asked me when I was like telling him

I need his support because the cas

workers are saying that I'm not stable

enough to take care of my kids so I need

support for like proper adult

supervision until Michael gets home from

his new job and then my dad is like oh

well whose fault is

that sir it's [ __ ] your fault and

your wife's

fault the

hell okay I'll stop ring now I'm going

to be right back let this process and

then I will be back with my wet hair and

then my finished hair so that you can

see what it looks like when it's wet and

you can see what it looks like when it's

dry

I'm

obsessed oh it looks so good what did I

just

do ah my hair is still

wet I can't even

see it looks good it looks better than

before but it it does look DIY okay

that's it thanks for joining me today I

hope you have a good day I love you I'm

doing

better

oh yeah read the description I'll have

more stuff that I didn't talk about okay

love you bye