How to Get Over The End of a Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone | TEDxUniversityofWindsor
Summary
TLDRClinical psychologist Antonio Pasquale Leone explores overcoming the end of significant relationships in this insightful talk. He discusses the common misconception that time alone heals emotional wounds and introduces a three-step process for addressing 'unfinished business'. This involves confronting feelings, identifying deep-seated needs, and expressing healthy emotions to organize oneself. Leone suggests that moving on can result in forgiveness and reconciliation, or a healthy detachment without forgiveness, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's own emotional journey.
Takeaways
- 😢 Moving on from a relationship involves dealing with emotional baggage and unfinished business, which can be complex and vary in nature.
- 🕰 The common belief that time heals all wounds is not always true; some emotional processes may become 'frozen' and require active steps to resolve.
- 🔍 Research has shown that resolving emotional issues often involves going through three distinct, yet non-linear steps: facing the issue, addressing deeper needs, and asserting oneself.
- 🚫 Avoidance of the issue or reminders can hinder the healing process, as it prevents necessary emotional exposure and acceptance of the new normal.
- 🤔 Identifying and articulating the specific feelings of sadness, anger, or betrayal is crucial for understanding what is truly upsetting about the situation.
- 💔 The end of a relationship can trigger deeper, pre-existing insecurities or vulnerabilities, which may require acknowledgment and healing.
- 🌪 Recognizing and expressing one's existential needs, such as feeling valuable or loveable, can create a contradiction that sparks change.
- 🔥 Asserting oneself can involve healthy anger, which is a step towards fighting for one's dignity and value, separate from the other person's actions.
- 💔 Grieving the loss of a relationship involves acknowledging specific losses and saying goodbye to the hopes and dreams that will never materialize.
- 🔄 The process of moving on is often messy and nonlinear, with individuals potentially getting stuck at any point in the process before resolution.
- 🏁 There are three viable outcomes for resolving unfinished business: reconciliation with forgiveness, forgiveness without reconciliation, or holding the other person accountable without forgiveness.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Antonio Pasquale Leone's talk?
-Antonio Pasquale Leone's talk focuses on how to get over the end of a significant relationship and move on from emotional baggage or 'unfinished business'.
What does Leone suggest is a common misconception about moving on from a relationship?
-Leone suggests that a common misconception is that moving on is just a matter of time and that the bad feelings will simply run their course.
What does Leone mention as the first step in resolving emotional baggage from a relationship?
-The first step, according to Leone, involves facing the issue and avoiding avoidance, tolerating exposure to the feelings until one starts to feel okay with the new normal.
How does Leone describe the process of separating emotions like anger and sadness?
-Leone describes the process as teasing apart the emotions, finding the right words to describe what's so awful or hard about the situation, and distinguishing between anger that pushes one's chest out and sadness that makes one withdraw.
What does Leone identify as the second step in resolving emotional issues after a relationship ends?
-The second step involves recognizing and addressing deeper, older feelings that have been stirred up by the end of the relationship, which may be tied to personal insecurities or past experiences.
What is the importance of identifying one's deepest existential needs in Leone's approach?
-Identifying one's deepest existential needs is crucial as it creates a contradiction within oneself, which can initiate change and help in moving past the emotional hurt.
What does Leone suggest as the third step in resolving 'unfinished business'?
-The third step involves asserting oneself and fighting for one's dignity and value, which often comes with a shift in power and a new perspective on the other person.
How does Leone describe the process of grieving a loss in the context of a relationship?
-Leone describes grieving as a healthy process where one focuses on the good things and specific losses, saying goodbye to them and acknowledging the hopes and dreams that will never materialize.
What are the three viable outcomes Leone mentions for resolving 'unfinished business'?
-The three viable outcomes are: 1) forgiving and reconciling with the person, 2) forgiving but not reconciling, and 3) not forgiving but holding the person accountable, which often involves a shift in power dynamics.
What does Leone imply about the role of time in the healing process?
-Leone implies that while time is a part of the healing process, it is not the sole factor, and that there are unique solutions to each sticking point in the process of resolving emotional issues.
How does Leone suggest approaching the feelings of anger and sadness that often accompany the end of a relationship?
-Leone suggests experiencing and expressing both anger and sadness in their own right, as they are two sides of the same coin, and using emotion to help organize oneself in a healthy way.
Outlines
😔 Overcoming Emotional Baggage from Relationship Ends
Antonio Pasquale Leone, a clinical psychologist, discusses the process of moving on from the end of significant relationships. He emphasizes that the common belief that time heals all is not always true, especially in cases of betrayal or deep emotional impact. Leone highlights that research shows people who successfully move on often go through a three-step process, which can be messy and nonlinear. He introduces the first step as confronting the avoidance of the issue and the feelings associated with it, suggesting that avoidance prevents emotional progress.
😠 Unraveling the Emotions of Anger and Sadness
The second paragraph delves into the emotional turmoil of anger and sadness that individuals often experience post-breakup. Leone describes how these emotions can be intertwined, causing a person to feel stuck. He advises that to move forward, one must identify and articulate the specific feelings of hurt and what is truly distressing about the situation. This step is crucial for understanding the deeper issues that may have been triggered by the end of the relationship, such as insecurities or past traumas.
🤔 Identifying Deep-Rooted Needs and Asserting Them
In the third paragraph, Leone focuses on identifying the existential needs that are often unearthed during the process of healing from a relationship's end. He explains that recognizing and articulating these needs, such as feeling valuable or loved, creates a contradiction that can initiate change. The paragraph also touches on the importance of distinguishing between needs and wants, and the process of asserting oneself to fight for one's dignity and value, which can be a healthy expression of anger.
🕊️ The Resolution of Unfinished Emotional Business
The final paragraph discusses the resolution of 'unfinished business' by exploring the resentments and losses associated with the end of a relationship. Leone suggests that understanding and expressing specific resentments and identifying what one misses can help in the healing process. He also talks about the importance of grieving specific losses and the potential outcomes of resolving emotional baggage, which include forgiveness with or without reconciliation, or holding the other person accountable without forgiveness.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Psychotherapy
💡Emotional Baggage
💡Unfinished Business
💡Grieving
💡Betrayal
💡Emotional Avoidance
💡Assertion
💡Grief Process
💡Reconciliation
💡Forgiveness
💡Existential Need
Highlights
Antonio Pasquale Leone discusses overcoming the end of important relationships and the emotional baggage that can follow.
The common misconception that time alone heals emotional wounds from relationship endings is challenged.
Research by Les Greenberg at York University on 'emotional baggage' and 'unfinished business' in relationships.
Therapies that offer free treatment in exchange for participation in research studies.
Three distinct steps often taken by individuals to resolve emotional issues post-relationship.
The importance of facing and tolerating emotions rather than avoiding them.
The challenge of distinguishing between sadness and anger in the process of emotional healing.
Blaming oneself as a common reaction to the end of a relationship and its impact on self-perception.
The need to identify and articulate deep-seated existential needs to facilitate emotional recovery.
The role of healthy anger in the process of asserting one's dignity and value post-breakup.
The significance of grieving specific losses in a relationship to fully process the end.
The concept of 'undeclared losses' and their impact on the grieving process.
The importance of expressing both anger and sadness as part of a healthy emotional response.
The process of using emotions to organize oneself in a healthy way towards resolution.
Three possible outcomes for resolving 'unfinished business': forgiveness and reconciliation, forgiveness without reconciliation, and holding the other accountable without forgiveness.
The analogy of emotional healing to the physical healing of a bruise or cut, emphasizing the necessity of time.
The conclusion that time is a factor in healing, but understanding the process can aid in overcoming emotional challenges.
Transcripts
my name is Antonio Pasquale Leone I'm a
clinical psychologist and I do research
on psychotherapy and especially on how
emotion changes I'm gonna talk today
about how to get over the end of a
relationship if you've had an important
relationship and you felt a bit stuck on
how to move on maybe you have some
lingering bad feelings all right some
emotional baggage let's call it
unfinished business right if that's
going on this talk is for you okay so
sometimes you know it could be grieving
the death of a person close to you
sometimes it's moving on when there's
been a betrayal or abuse it could be
with a friend a co-worker a parent and
of course romantic breakups basically
cover the whole range right from pretty
straightforward but painful to very
complicated most people think that
moving on is just a matter of time
people come to therapy and they they ask
me so how long is this gonna take how
much time needs to passed I was speaking
with a guy who was getting divorced for
the second time and and he says to me so
I say how are you doing and he says well
you know I I wish it was two years from
now why because that's how long it took
me last time to get over it and that
idea is fairly common people think that
the bad feeling will just sort of run
its course but if you feel devastated
and there's or there's being a betrayal
then yeah not so much right it's not
gonna be as simple as sleeping off a bad
hangover right for some people this
process is really frozen in time there's
actually a lot of research on this now
but it's an odd thing to study because
it's hard to know what to call this in
an early treatment study led by les
Greenberg at York University they
actually just put up signs
saying do you have emotional baggage
related to a relationship right do you
need help with your unfinished business
and then they just sort of sat patiently
by the phone wondering if anyone would
call because because it's not even a
diagnosis right it's just a metaphor
well it turns out the phone started
ringing off the hook so it's a very
intuitive and common problem when we do
research like this we usually offer free
therapy for people who agree to being
studied and then you spend a lot of time
looking at what people do that seems to
predict getting better some people are
skeptical at the research right often I
get isn't it totally different for
everyone and the answer is well no not
not as different as you might think
it turns out people who resolve these
issues often go through three distinct
steps and they actually unfold in an
order although it's sort of a messy
nonlinear two steps forward one step
backward process I'm saying there seems
to be a universal pattern there is a map
when people have unfinished business
there are three things that must happen
a sequence of steps and the thing is you
can get stuck anywhere in that pipeline
the good news the good news is we also
know a bit about how to get people
unstuck from each of those spots so the
first step is something like this for
example a businesswoman takes on a
junior partner and she really invests a
lot in mentoring her they work well
together it's productive and then for
some reason the junior partner cuts out
ditches the projects she wants to work
more independently so it's a business
scenario right but the point is that it
was a close relationship and
collaborative relationship that ended
abruptly and if you've invested a lot
personally it can feel a bit like
getting dumped the business woman tells
me about industry conventions things
like that and she and she says
I just cringe like what if she's there
it'll be so awkward
I don't know and when she says I don't
know that's pretty important so the
issue is we don't go there we just avoid
the issue it's like the person thinks
they can wait it out as if there was a
storm passing overhead but while you're
avoiding the issue not too much can
change so get in there
keep breathing tolerate some exposure to
the feelings until you start to feel
okay with this new normal of course I
mean the reason why we avoid the person
or reminders is because it's upsetting
there's usually a sense of very global
distress right it's like I'm so upset
and I don't know why it's so awful but
but what's it what's the worst part of
it and the person usually doesn't know
typically people have a lot of sadness
and anger except it's all fused together
like a big ugly ball of children's
plasticine right except where all the
colors are just mashed together huh
anger anger makes you push your chest
out right like this while sadness you
kind of withdraw you pull back so when
you're trying to do both at the same
time that's what stuck looks like
usually it comes out in a sort of
whining complaint like right that sort
of thing you need to take some time to
tease these apart find the right words
and describe what's so awful or awkward
or hard about it
some people get much more stuck on
blaming right they get angry and it's
all about rejecting the other person
it's like I'm disgusted I hate him for
what he did to me she's so terrible and
that's all about what you don't want
it's not about what you do want it's
it's just not that that's it's get away
which actually could be a good start
particularly when there's been abuse or
when your boundaries have been violated
but you can't stay there forever you
still have to move on to the next step
and in
since you haven't even arrived at the
deeper issue yet so what to do slow down
where where does it hurt maybe at the
end of a romantic relationship it's the
way she looked down her nose at me okay
so what did that make you feel right
someone who described the last time she
ever saw her father tells me he threw a
pack of cigarettes across the table at
me and said there that's the last thing
you'll ever get from me Wow okay so
what's the message being implied here
yeah it hurts but what hurts is still
implicit if you want to get past feeling
upset empty lonely in these very general
ways then you have to take the time to
focus on your feelings the feelings that
you have and figure out what hurts the
most that takes us to the second step
and it might you know this might not
apply to everyone but for some people
the end of a relationship leaves them a
bit bent out of shape hmm and this
second step you get stuck because
whatever happened jabbed you right in
your soft spot right your Achilles heel
the end of the relationship rocked you
in some sort of way it stirred up some
deeper older uglier feelings I remember
I remember the first time I really had
my heart broken I was young and I
couldn't figure out why the relationship
was ending and then she says like a
mercy killing right you just you just
aren't good at getting stuff done
because I also already had my own
insecurities about that in it stirred up
those those self doubts I felt like it
was a bit true and so that left a mark
for most people who get stuck they end
up blaming themselves whatever happened
was my fault maybe I deserved to be
mistreated or neglected or as I was
saying you start doubting yourself
it's true I am incompetent unlovable
uninteresting you pick your personal
poison here a woman who discovered she
was being cheated on tells me how she
felt like a naive idiot
she says she felt humiliated people get
stuck in this particular way they're not
avoiding they're not bewildered like in
the first step right you see it's that
they get caught beating themselves up
about something related to the
relationship so how do you know if
you're stuck in this place well you feel
vulnerable and broken but it's also
familiar in a way it's the same old
story you've been here before
the truth is some people will actually
slide right through this they just they
just aren't as vulnerable whereas for
others especially when it's tied to
history of abuse or neglect it feels
like this is the story of their life
this is where people get depressed
anxious they lose sleep what to do what
to do
so to work through this second step you
really have to go through the eye of the
storm right the way out is to get a
sense of what you really need I mean an
existential need they need to feel
valuable to feel loveable obviously it's
hard not to feel like a piece of garbage
when somebody takes you out with a trash
right but as you start to articulate
whatever you most deeply need as a
living being it actually creates it
creates a contradiction in you it's sort
of like I need to feel cared for
valuable I and yeah I can feel it in my
bones right and yet here I am in a pile
of trash on the curb it's a
contradiction right right and that's
where change starts to happen what do
you most deeply need even if you don't
feel entitled to it spell it out here's
an important point it's not what you
need from that specific person right
it's it's not it's what you do need
to flourish as a human so this is for
you it's not about them it's not
I need him to apologize I need who to
hurt her to admit what happened no no
it's it's I need to feel like I matter
I need that somebody has my back that
I'm a priority useful worthy of course
here's the problem
life didn't turn out that way did it you
got hurt you got mistreated maybe
betrayed or or you just lost someone so
the third step is where you actually go
back to how the relationship ended maybe
you were maybe you're pissed off and you
hate him and you want to guess you want
to burn all his stuff okay but what are
you fighting for I'm fighting for my
dignity my value my sense of myself is
someone who's fun funny lovable it goes
back to the need so you often have to
assert yourself in some way and that
usually comes in a healthy anger a woman
who survived a really predatory
relationship an abusive relationship she
says to me she says I got a lot of love
to give and when I love I love hard so
that's worth something even if he didn't
notice it assertion but when it comes to
feeling hurt in relationships anger and
sadness are often two sides of the same
coin one sees this in romantic breakups
all the time right you've been let down
you're disappointed and you're angry but
now that you've created some distance
you kind of kind of miss the person -
right and and then you flip-flop back
and forth between assertive anger and
grieving the loss both are true two
sides of the same coin still it's
important to experience each of these in
their own right grieving a loss is a
healthy process it's hard to move on and
enjoy a new horizon and life if if you
haven't let go
what's behind you and even if you're the
one who ended the relationship right
there's still a loss because when you
started it you were hopeful nobody
planned on the relationship ending when
we work through grief we usually focus
on the good things the things we enjoyed
right
we'll never get together again for a
first swim for a barbecue no more
Wednesday family dinners yeah you have
to say goodbye to these things and
actually put up little tombstones for
them but one of the reasons people have
trouble finishing the grief process is
because they're actually so many
undeclared losses these are these are
the hopes the dreams right that you had
together when couples split up for
example sometimes sometimes they imagine
what it would be like to have children
together right children that now will
never be born and for the the business
partnership that fell apart these are
all the unfinished projects that will
never materialize when I was doing
therapy with a man an inmate in prison
he knew his partner had already left him
while he was serving time so he was like
well we'll never go on that holiday
together the one we were saving up for
the trip we kept all those brochures for
so goodbye to that similarly when
someone dies there usually are a lot of
things left undone that that will never
be finished what to do in the third step
you just need to follow and express the
healthy need this shoe to explore is
what do you resent and then what do you
miss remember if you don't know what
you're fighting for the specifics then
it's probably not adaptive and grief
it's not just about feeling sad it's
about identifying specific losses so
this third step is about using emotion
to help organize you
in a healthy way going back to how we
started this is where maybe maybe it is
a matter of time right healthy emotion
has a vitality curve it it emerges and
you feel it
and you express it and then you're done
right you say goodbye and life looks
different now you have to finish the
feeling going through that is the last
step
sometimes we're doing these things even
without knowing it which is great that's
the upside right the downside is that we
get stuck and we don't even know why we
don't know where we're getting stuck but
this is actually part of healthcare
research and it's being studied there is
a unique solution to each sticking point
finally how does it all end right if you
are depressed then treatment should make
you not depressed but if your problem is
unfinished business what does a good
ending look like what counts as a good
outcome there are three viable outcomes
to this whole thing okay number one well
either you forgive someone and you
reconcile basically you get back
together number two
you forgive them but you don't reconcile
right you forgive them meaning you give
up the grudge you had that's what
forgiveness is but you decide not to
reconcile it's like forgive but don't
forget you let go and you move on and
number three you don't forgive you don't
reconcile but it's still a good outcome
it's like holding the other person
accountable right which often comes with
the shift in power and seeing the other
person in a very different light last
thing last thing just like when you get
a bruise or a cut on your skin right
even when you aren't stuck there is a
minimum amount of time it takes to heal
so time is part of it after all
thank you and good luck with your
unfinished business
[Applause]
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