Private Violence Presents: Why We Stayed

Summary

This script narrates a woman's journey through an abusive relationship, questioning the common inquiry of 'why did you stay?' It explores the complexities of love, isolation, and the psychological entrapment that keeps victims in such situations. The speaker recounts her experience with escalating violence and the fear of leaving a Marine-trained abuser. She discusses the initial charm that masked the eventual abuse and the struggle to break free from the cycle, influenced by financial dependence, lack of support, and societal pressures, including religious beliefs.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The question 'why did she stay?' is a common one, but it often overlooks the complexity of the situation and places blame on the victim.
• ❤️ People stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including love, a desire to maintain the family unit, and economic dependence.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The isolation from friends and family can make it harder for victims to seek help or leave an abusive situation.
• 💔 The abuser's initial charm and kindness can make it difficult for victims to reconcile the person they fell in love with and the person who becomes abusive.
• 🚫 The fear of the abuser's threats, such as being hunted down and killed, can keep victims trapped in the relationship.
• 🔄 The cycle of violence often gets worse over time, with periods of calm followed by escalating abuse.
• 🏃‍♀️ Leaving is not as simple as it seems; victims may have nowhere to go, no money, and lack of access to resources.
• 🤝 The feeling of a shared secret or a 'special bond' due to the abuse can be a twisted reason for staying.
• 💡 Realization that the abuser is not the same person as when the relationship started can be a turning point for victims to leave.
• 😨 The fear of the abuser's reaction to leaving, including potential retaliation, can keep victims from seeking freedom.
• 🙅‍♀️ Denial can play a significant role, with victims sometimes not recognizing their situation as abuse, even when asked by others.

Q & A

Why does the narrator believe people stay in abusive relationships?

The narrator believes people stay in abusive relationships because they love the person, love what they used to have, or are trying to take care of their children.

What does the narrator think is the wrong question to ask victims of domestic violence?

The narrator thinks it's wrong to ask victims 'why did you stay?' as it blames the victim instead of focusing on the perpetrator of the violence.

How did the narrator describe the abusive partner at the beginning of their relationship?

The narrator described the abusive partner as Prince Charming, very kind, sweet, nice, attentive, and thoughtful at the beginning of their relationship.

What was the first instance of abuse the narrator experienced?

The first instance of abuse was when the partner threw the narrator against the wall and started to choke them.

Why did the narrator initially think the abuse was her fault?

The narrator thought the abuse was her fault because the partner was not that person all the time, leading her to believe it was something she did.

How did the narrator feel after getting married to the abusive partner?

The narrator felt trapped after getting married, as the abuse did not stop but got worse and she was further isolated.

What was the reason the narrator gave for not leaving the relationship?

The narrator did not leave because she was dependent on the partner financially, had no friends or family nearby, and felt no one would understand or care.

Why did the narrator decide to finally leave the relationship?

The narrator decided to leave when she realized the partner was not the same man she married and that the violence could lead to her death.

How did the narrator describe the psychological trap that kept her in the relationship?

The narrator described the psychological trap as a feeling of connection and a secret that bound them together, which she mistook for love.

What were some of the reasons the narrator stayed in the abusive relationship?

The narrator stayed because she believed the partner's promises to change, had nowhere to go, no money, no access to resources, and was convinced by her religious community that she couldn't get divorced.

How did the narrator's perception of the abuse change over time?

Initially, the narrator believed the abuse was a one-time event and the partner would change. Over time, she realized the abuse was escalating and that the partner was not the same person she fell in love with.