Private Violence Presents: Why We Stayed

Summary

This script narrates a woman's journey through an abusive relationship, questioning the common inquiry of 'why did you stay?' It explores the complexities of love, isolation, and the psychological entrapment that keeps victims in such situations. The speaker recounts her experience with escalating violence and the fear of leaving a Marine-trained abuser. She discusses the initial charm that masked the eventual abuse and the struggle to break free from the cycle, influenced by financial dependence, lack of support, and societal pressures, including religious beliefs.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The question 'why did she stay?' is a common one, but it often overlooks the complexity of the situation and places blame on the victim.
• ❤️ People stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including love, a desire to maintain the family unit, and economic dependence.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The isolation from friends and family can make it harder for victims to seek help or leave an abusive situation.
• 💔 The abuser's initial charm and kindness can make it difficult for victims to reconcile the person they fell in love with and the person who becomes abusive.
• 🚫 The fear of the abuser's threats, such as being hunted down and killed, can keep victims trapped in the relationship.
• 🔄 The cycle of violence often gets worse over time, with periods of calm followed by escalating abuse.
• 🏃‍♀️ Leaving is not as simple as it seems; victims may have nowhere to go, no money, and lack of access to resources.
• 🤝 The feeling of a shared secret or a 'special bond' due to the abuse can be a twisted reason for staying.
• 💡 Realization that the abuser is not the same person as when the relationship started can be a turning point for victims to leave.
• 😨 The fear of the abuser's reaction to leaving, including potential retaliation, can keep victims from seeking freedom.
• 🙅‍♀️ Denial can play a significant role, with victims sometimes not recognizing their situation as abuse, even when asked by others.

Q & A

Why does the narrator believe people stay in abusive relationships?

The narrator believes people stay in abusive relationships because they love the person, love what they used to have, or are trying to take care of their children.

What does the narrator think is the wrong question to ask victims of domestic violence?

The narrator thinks it's wrong to ask victims 'why did you stay?' as it blames the victim instead of focusing on the perpetrator of the violence.

How did the narrator describe the abusive partner at the beginning of their relationship?

The narrator described the abusive partner as Prince Charming, very kind, sweet, nice, attentive, and thoughtful at the beginning of their relationship.

What was the first instance of abuse the narrator experienced?

The first instance of abuse was when the partner threw the narrator against the wall and started to choke them.

Why did the narrator initially think the abuse was her fault?

The narrator thought the abuse was her fault because the partner was not that person all the time, leading her to believe it was something she did.

How did the narrator feel after getting married to the abusive partner?

The narrator felt trapped after getting married, as the abuse did not stop but got worse and she was further isolated.

What was the reason the narrator gave for not leaving the relationship?

The narrator did not leave because she was dependent on the partner financially, had no friends or family nearby, and felt no one would understand or care.

Why did the narrator decide to finally leave the relationship?

The narrator decided to leave when she realized the partner was not the same man she married and that the violence could lead to her death.

How did the narrator describe the psychological trap that kept her in the relationship?

The narrator described the psychological trap as a feeling of connection and a secret that bound them together, which she mistook for love.

What were some of the reasons the narrator stayed in the abusive relationship?

The narrator stayed because she believed the partner's promises to change, had nowhere to go, no money, no access to resources, and was convinced by her religious community that she couldn't get divorced.

How did the narrator's perception of the abuse change over time?

Initially, the narrator believed the abuse was a one-time event and the partner would change. Over time, she realized the abuse was escalating and that the partner was not the same person she fell in love with.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Complexity of Staying in an Abusive Relationship

The speaker in Paragraph 1 discusses the reasons why people, particularly women, stay in abusive relationships. They argue that the question of why someone stays is often asked but misses the point. The real issue should be why the abuse occurs. The speaker shares their personal experience of being in an abusive relationship with someone who was initially kind and loving but became violent. They explain how they felt trapped, isolated, and dependent on their abuser, which made leaving difficult. They also mention the fear of what the abuser might do if they left, highlighting the complex psychological factors that keep people in abusive situations.

05:01

😔 The Psychological Trap of Abuse

Paragraph 2 delves deeper into the psychological aspects of staying in an abusive relationship. The speaker describes feeling a twisted sense of connection with their abuser and the illusion of working together to overcome the abuse. They recount the escalating violence and the realization that they were in danger, prompting them to create a plan to escape. The speaker expresses fear of being found and the emotional turmoil of being bound by what they mistook for love. They discuss the denial and secrecy that are common in abusive relationships, as well as the pressure from their religious community that made them feel they couldn't leave. The paragraph concludes with the speaker's realization that their love for their abuser was not enough to overcome the abuse and the decision to leave.

Keywords

💡Abuse

Abuse refers to the misuse or cruel treatment of someone, often in a relationship. In the video, the narrator discusses her experience with domestic violence, illustrating how abuse can escalate from a single incident to a pattern of violent behavior. The term is central to the video's theme of understanding why victims stay in abusive relationships.

💡Love

Love is a deep affection towards someone. The video explores the paradox of staying in an abusive relationship out of love. The narrator mentions staying with her abuser because she loved him and what they used to have, showing the complexity of emotions involved in such situations.

💡Isolation

Isolation refers to the state of being alone or detached from others. The narrator describes being isolated from friends and family, which contributed to her feeling trapped in the abusive relationship. This keyword highlights the importance of social support in escaping abusive situations.

💡Dependency

Dependency in this context means relying on someone else, often financially. The narrator was financially dependent on her abuser, which made leaving difficult. This keyword underscores the economic factors that can keep victims in abusive relationships.

💡Victim Blaming

Victim blaming is the act of holding the victim responsible for the abuse they suffer. The video script criticizes this mindset, arguing that society should focus on the perpetrators of violence rather than questioning why victims stay.

💡Perpetrator

A perpetrator is someone who commits a crime or does something wrong. The video emphasizes the need to focus on the abuser, or the perpetrator, rather than the victim, to address the root cause of domestic violence.

💡Prince Charming

Prince Charming is a metaphor for an ideal romantic partner. The narrator initially describes her abuser as her 'Prince Charming,' highlighting how abusers can start relationships by presenting themselves as ideal partners before their true nature is revealed.

💡Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism where one refuses to accept reality or the truth. The narrator mentions being in denial about the abuse, which is a common psychological response that can keep victims trapped in abusive relationships.

💡Secrets

Secrets in the context of the video refer to the hidden truths about the abuse that the victim keeps from others. The narrator speaks of keeping secrets, which is a common experience for victims who feel shame or fear the consequences of revealing their situation.

💡Psychological Trap

A psychological trap refers to a situation where one's thoughts and feelings prevent them from escaping a harmful situation. The narrator describes feeling trapped by her own emotions and the belief that love could overcome the abuse, illustrating the complex psychological dynamics at play in abusive relationships.

💡Religious Community

The religious community can influence a victim's decision to stay or leave an abusive relationship. The narrator mentions being convinced by her religious community that she couldn't get divorced, showing how cultural and religious beliefs can impact a victim's choices.

Highlights

The question of why women stay in abusive relationships is often misunderstood.

People stay in relationships for love or to care for their children, similar to any other relationship.

Asking why someone stayed in an abusive relationship blames the victim instead of focusing on the abuser.

The focus should be on why the abuser is violent rather than why the victim stayed.

The abuser was initially charming and kind, which is why the victim stayed.

The victim felt isolated and financially dependent on the abuser, making it difficult to leave.

The first instance of violence was a shock because it was out of character for the abuser.

The victim felt trapped and believed that leaving was not an option due to financial dependence.

The victim was threatened with severe consequences if they tried to leave.

The victim would leave temporarily but always returned due to a sense of familiarity and routine.

The abuser's behavior was a drastic change from the person the victim fell in love with.

The victim felt a twisted sense of connection and secrecy with the abuser.

The violence escalated to a point where the victim realized they could die.

The victim had to create a plan to escape, fearing the abuser would find them.

The victim was bound by psychological manipulation, mistaking it for love.

The victim stayed due to denial and the belief that love could conquer all, including abuse.

The victim was influenced by their religious community to stay in the marriage.

The victim kept many secrets, feeling isolated and unable to confide in others.

Transcripts

it is the question that I'm asked the

most why did I stay why does any woman

stay and for the life of me I can't

understand why people are obsessed with

it because to me it's so obvious why

does anybody stay with somebody that

they love you know we've all been in

relationships that even if they weren't

abusive we not working any longer and we

all stay far longer than we want and

it's you stay for the same reasons you

stay because you love the person or you

love what you used to have or you're

trying to take care of your children

when we ask why did you stay you know

we're blaming the victim for their abuse

as opposed to asking why did you hit

this person or why are you violent or

why do you feel the need to be

violent why would somebody abuse why

would somebody beat the people who love

him or her most on Earth until we ask

that question we won't be able to

obliterate domestic violence we have got

to focus on the perpetrators of violence

not the

victims it's cliche but he really was

Prince Charming he was very kind and

sweet and nice I left what I was doing

to come and be with him and I was alone

with him I didn't have any uh friends or

family in the area I couldn't find a job

so he paid the bills and so we got into

an argument and that's the first time

that he hit me he actually threw me up

against the wall and started to choke me

um and I didn't really understand what

was happening cuz he was not that person

all this time um and so when he finally

let me

go I thought it was something I did you

know I wasn't thinking to

run after we got married it didn't stop

it just got worse and worse and worse

and I felt like I was trapped at that

point we had moved from where we were

across the country again and I was

further isolated I didn't have any

friends or family and essentially he

still was the bread winner I was

dependent on him so if I left what was

what was I going to do where was I going

to go you know who how was I going to

take care of myself I felt like no one

would understand and I felt like no one

would

care the First full out physical attack

was 5 days before the wedding part of me

knew I had to leave him right then that

I couldn't marry somebody who had done

this but then this other part of me said

but wait it was one time and I told

myself he'd never do it again that I was

sure he was very sorry and um I didn't

leave I married

him you stayed with this guy yeah I

didn't have a choice I mean he told me

and I I AB you know that's the part that

always so interesting to me it's like

you know the standard question why

didn't you leave why didn't you leave

why didn't you leave well uh he was

trained by United States Marine to hunt

people down and kill him and he told me

if I left he would hunt me down and kill

me that's why I didn't leave I used to

pull what he would call my disappearing

ax and that would be I would you know

get the boys and get out because I it

just was getting too intense but I would

always go back because at least I knew

where he was at least I knew the routine

I knew what to expect but you know it's

it's a terrible way to live to always be

looking over your shoulder

he didn't start out with being abusive

he started out with being incredibly

sweet and Incredibly attentive and

Incredibly thoughtful and Incredibly

kind and saying things to me that no one

had ever said and and paying attention

to me in ways that no one ever had you

know and I was really taken by

it one of the reasons why we

stay is because the behavior is such

a drastic change from the person we met

in the

beginning and we're constantly looking

for the man in the beginning instead of

concentrating on the man that is in

front of

us once I

understood

that then I made the decision you know I

got to go this is not the same man I

married I mean I love him but

he's going to kill me with every violent

um moment I felt further connected to

him in this kind of Twisted way I felt

that you know we had this secret that

that bound us together and that this was

something big and we were working on it

and so we had to stay together until we

worked it

out the violence got to a point where I

realized that I I could

die I had to create a plan I had to

figure out where I was going to go and

how I was going to get there and who I

was going to reach out to for help if

there was any I was scared I was afraid

that he would find me I was afraid that

he would be so angry that I left that he

would come after me I couldn't just get

up and walk away and it was the most

terrible

feeling to know that I could leave and I

still couldn't leave because I was bound

by

this psychological trap that I thought

was love that wasn't

love you know I had so much denial if

you had come to me and said are you

being physically abused you know if my

doctor had asked me or a best friend I

would have said no I'm not being

physically

abused you do feel isolated and you keep

a lot of Secrets you know you keep a lot

of secrets in your in your heart in your

home in your head I stayed because I

believed him when he said he wasn't

going to do it again I stayed because I

didn't have anywhere to go I didn't have

any money I didn't have access to any

resources I stayed because my religious

community convinced me that I couldn't

get divorced because God would hate me

um I stayed because I loved him you know

I stayed because he was the love of my

life and I wanted to believe that love

could conquer all including abuse

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]