Partners of Trans Series Part 3 | Initial Shock Phase
Summary
TLDRIn diesem Video spricht Dr. Ziama Klinkov, eine Psychologin für transgener Care, über die verschiedenen Reaktionen, die Partner nach dem Coming-out ihres trans Partner haben können. Nach der ersten Schockphase können Partner in zwei Hauptgruppen unterteilt werden: Jemanden, der in einer Katastrophisierungsphase gefangen ist und Ultimatums stellt, oder jemanden, der in einer Verleugnungsphase ist und übermäßig unterstützend wird. Dr. Klinkov diskutiert die Auswirkungen dieser Reaktionen auf die Beziehungen und gibt Ratschläge, wie man diese schwierige Zeit bewältigen kann.
Takeaways
- 👨⚕️ Der Psychologe Dr. Ziama Klinkov beschäftigt sich in diesem Video mit dem Thema, wie Partner reagieren, wenn ihre trans Partner ihnen ihre Identität offenbaren.
- 🗣️ Nach dem Coming-Out-Phase folgt eine Zeit, in der die Informationen verarbeitet werden müssen, die unterschiedlich lange dauern kann.
- 😯 Der 'Initial Shock' ist eine Phase, in der die Verarbeitung der Informationen beginnt und plötzlich Realität wird.
- 😱 In der Initial Shock-Phase neigen Partner dazu, in zwei Hauptgruppen zu fallen: Entweder in einer Katastrophisierung mit Angst oder in einer Übertreibung des Supports.
- 🤯 Katastrophisierung kann zu Überanpassung und Angst führen, was wiederum zu Ultimatums führen kann, was Dr. Klinkov als nicht empfehlenswert ansieht.
- 🚫 Ultimatums, wie 'Wenn du dich transitionierst, werde ich dich verlassen', sind kontraproduktiv und führen oft zu Ressentiments und einer Beendigung der Beziehung.
- 🙅♀️ Übermäßiger Support kann ein Zeichen der Leugnung sein, in der die Realität der Situation nicht angenommen wird.
- 🤔 Die Frage der Sexualität kann aufkommen, wenn die Geschlechtsidentität des Partners sich ändert, was zu Unsicherheiten führen kann.
- 👫 Es wird betont, dass Beziehungen eine persönliche Investition sind und dass Veränderungen, die die Identität betreffen, diese Investition beeinträchtigen können.
- 💔 Die Angst vor Verlust ist ein gemeinsames Thema, das sowohl bei trans Personen als auch bei ihren Partnern auftritt.
- 🔄 Menschen reagieren unterschiedlich auf Veränderungen in Beziehungen, und es ist normal, in verschiedenen Phasen der Anpassung zu wechseln.
Q & A
Was ist der Hauptthema des dritten Teils der Serievideos von Dr. Ziama Klinkov?
-Der Hauptthema ist das Verständnis dessen, was bei den Partnern passiert, wenn ihre trans Partner ihnen gegenüber herauskommen, und wie sie am besten damit umgehen können.
Wie wird der Prozess des Coming-Outs für trans Partner in den Videos beschrieben?
-Es wird in drei Gruppen aufgeteilt: das Gefühl, was passiert, wenn ein Partner herauskommt, und wie man sich am besten damit auseinandersetzt.
Was ist die 'Initial Shock'-Phase, die nach dem Coming-Out beschrieben wird?
-Die 'Initial Shock'-Phase ist die Zeit, in der die Informationen, die der trans Partner während des Coming-Outs gegeben hat, verarbeitet und verdaut werden.
Welche zwei Hauptgruppen von Reaktionen werden in der 'Initial Shock'-Phase identifiziert?
-Die zwei Hauptgruppen sind diejenigen, die in eine Katastrophisierung und Angst verfallen und Ultimatums stellen, und diejenigen, die in Leugnung verfallen und übermäßig unterstützend werden.
Warum werden Ultimatums von Dr. Klinkov nicht empfohlen?
-Ultimatums führen in der Regel zu keinem Gewinn-Gewinn-Szenario und können zu Ressentiments und Hass zwischen den Partnern führen, was schließlich zu einer Trennung führt.
Was passiert, wenn Partner in der 'Initial Shock'-Phase in Leugnung verfallen und übermäßig unterstützend werden?
-Diese Partner versuchen, die Kontrolle über die Situation zu behalten, indem sie übermäßig unterstützend sind, was aber später zu einer Realitätsprüfung führen kann, wenn sie begriffen haben, wie ernst die Situation ist.
Wie wird der Einfluss von kultureller Transphobie auf die Reaktionen der Partner thematisiert?
-Die kulturelle Transphobie, die alle betrifft, die in einer transphoben Welt leben, kann zu übermäßigen Ängsten und Katastrophengedanken führen, wenn trans Partner herauskommen.
Was ist die Rolle der Partnerschaft und des persönlichen Engagements in der Behandlung dieser Situation?
-Das persönliche Engagement und die Investition in die Beziehung sind wichtig, um zu verstehen, warum Partner reagieren, wie sie reagieren, und wie sie möglicherweise Ultimatums oder übermäßige Unterstützung einsetzen.
Wie wird empfohlen, mit den Gefühlen umzugehen, die während der 'Initial Shock'-Phase aufkommen?
-Es wird empfohlen, die Gefühle anzuerkennen und sich auf die vorliegenden Umstände zu konzentrieren, anstatt sich in Fragen wie 'Warum mir?' oder 'Warum jetzt?' zu verlieren, die zu Ressentiments führen können.
Was wird in den kommenden Teilen der Serie über die Reaktionen der Partner nach der 'Initial Shock'-Phase erwartet?
-In den kommenden Teilen der Serie wird erwartet, dass es um die Realitätsprüfung und die Anpassung an die neuen Umstände geht, sowie um die Herausforderungen, die trans Partner und ihre Partner in dieser Phase bewältigen müssen.
Outlines
👨⚕️ Einführung in die Serie über Partnerschaften und Coming Out
Dr. Ziama Klinkov, ein Psychologe, der sich auf transgeschlechtliche Menschen spezialisiert hat, begrüßt die Zuschauer in Teil 3 einer Serie über Partnerschaften. Diese Folge widmet sich dem Thema, was geschieht, wenn transgeschlechtliche Partner dem anderen Coming Out erzählen. Es geht um die Gefühle, die aufkommen können, und wie man am besten damit umgeht. Die Folge ist auch für transgeschlechtliche Partner gedacht, um ihnen zu helfen, das, was ihre Partner durchleben, besser zu verstehen. In Teil 2 wurde über das Coming Out gesprochen, und in dieser Folge wird über die Phase danach gesprochen, die als 'initialer Schock' bezeichnet wird. Dies ist die Zeit, in der die Informationen, die während des Coming Out gegeben wurden, verarbeitet werden. Dr. Klinkov teilt die Reaktionen der Partner in zwei Hauptgruppen ein, die er in der Therapie mit Paaren beobachtet hat: eine Gruppe, die eine Katastrophalisierung der Situation und eine andere Gruppe, die in einer Überforderung durch Angst lebt.
🚨 Ultimatums und Katastrophendenken als Reaktion auf Coming Out
In der ersten Gruppe der Reaktionen auf Coming Out werden Partner, die in einer Katastrophalisierung der Situation leben, detailliert beschrieben. Diese Personen können extrem besorgt über die Zukunft sein, was andere Menschen denken werden oder wie es ihre Kinder betrifft. Sie können auch ihre eigene sexuelle Orientierung in Frage stellen, wenn sich die Geschlechtsidentität ihres Partners ändert. Aus dieser Angst heraus können sie Ultimatums stellen, wie zum Beispiel die Bedrohung, die Beziehung zu beenden, wenn der transgeschlechtliche Partner mit der Transition beginnt. Dr. Klinkov warnt eindringlich vor der Verwendung von Ultimatums, da sie keine positiven Auswirkungen haben und die Beziehung nur schädigen können. Er betont, dass es wichtig ist, die eigene Unabhängigkeit und Entscheidungsfreiheit zu wahren und die Beziehung aufrechtzuerhalten, wenn es für beide Partner am besten ist.
🙅 Leugnung und Übermäßige Unterstützung als Verteidigungsmechanismen
Die zweite Gruppe der Reaktionen, die Dr. Klinkov beschreibt, sind die Partner, die in Leugnung verfallen und übermäßig unterstützend sind. Diese Personen neigen dazu, die Ernsthaftigkeit der Situation nicht anzuerkennen und sich nicht der Veränderung, die das Coming Out in ihrer Beziehung mit sich bringt, zu stellen. Sie können sehr schnell und übermäßig unterstützend sein, was für Dr. Klinkov als Warnsignal fungiert, da es unrealistische Erwartungen und eine unzureichende Verarbeitung der Situation einschließen kann. Er erklärt, dass es normal ist, wenn Partner in diese Kategorien fallen, aber es wichtig ist, die Realität der Situation anzuerkennen und sich an die Veränderungen anzupassen, anstatt sie zu leugnen oder zu versuchen, sie durch Übermäßiges zu kontrollieren.
🗣️ Offene Diskussion und Vorschau auf zukünftige Videos
Dr. Klinkov schließt die Folge mit einem Aufruf an die Zuschauer, ihre Erfahrungen und Gedanken in den Kommentaren zu teilen, insbesondere wenn sie selbst in einer dieser Kategorien waren oder sie beobachtet haben, wie ihre Partner reagiert haben. Er lädt dazu ein, über die Herausforderungen und die Schwierigkeiten zu sprechen, die auftraten, wenn die Realität der Situation eintrat. Schließlich kündigt er an, dass in zukünftigen Videos weitere Aspekte der Beziehungen und der Herausforderungen, die mit Coming Out verbunden sind, besprochen werden.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Transgender
💡Coming Out
💡Initial Shock
💡Catastrophizing
💡Ultimatum
💡Denial
💡Overly Supportive
💡Reality Check
💡Resentment
💡Personal Investment
Highlights
Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, discusses the impact of a trans partner coming out on their partners.
The video is part of a series aimed at helping partners understand and cope with the coming out process of their trans partners.
Three common emotional responses are identified when a trans partner comes out: initial shock, anxiety, and denial.
Initial shock is the period after coming out when the reality of the situation starts to settle in.
Some partners may experience a sense of catastrophe and overwhelming anxiety, leading to catastrophizing thoughts about the future.
Catastrophizing can lead to questioning one's own sexuality due to the shift in their partner's gender identity.
Ultimatums, such as threatening to leave if the trans partner transitions, are common but not recommended as they lead to no-win situations.
Ultimatums can create resentment and contempt, potentially damaging the relationship beyond repair.
The importance of acknowledging one's own agency and independence in making decisions about the relationship is emphasized.
Another common response is denial, where partners may act overly supportive without fully acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.
Overly supportive behavior can be a defense mechanism to maintain a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.
The video acknowledges the complexity and difficulty of the situation, emphasizing that it's normal for partners to react in various ways.
The video encourages partners to avoid getting stuck in resentment and to focus on dealing with the current situation.
The video series aims to help both partners navigate the challenges of a trans partner coming out and to maintain a respectful and supportive relationship.
Dr. Klinkov invites viewers to share their experiences and thoughts in the comments, fostering a community of support and understanding.
Transcripts
[Music]
hi everyone i'm doctor ziama klinkov
psychologist specializing in transgender
care welcome to my channel this is a
part three of partner series videos uh
to discuss what may be happening to the
partners when your trans partners come
out to you what you may be feeling how
to best steal and cope with it and this
is also a series for trans partners
themselves to better understand what the
partners may be going through
in the second video in part two i talked
about coming out face and i talked about
what you may be feeling when a partner
comes out to you and i broke it down
into three groups um that most likely
tend to occur uh when trans partners
come out to you in this video i'll be
talking about after that coming out
phase usually what happens after the
coming out phase is there's a period of
time for each one of you the period of
time is going to be different for some
of you it could be several days for
others could be several weeks for some
it could be as long as several months
after the period wears off however long
it is for you what happens next is what
i call initial shock
initial shock is when that part of
whatever happened in coming out the
information remember i said it's going
to
take some time to digest and to process
information that your trans partner has
presented you when they did come out so
what happens in initial shock uh phase
is that that's the period of time when
suddenly
things are settling in suddenly all of
that processing all the cells are
starting to really kind of um well
they're really starting to in a way
stabilize themselves in this initial
shock phase i have observed that
partners tend to fall into two primary
groups again just with any of my videos
i tend to group things in the categories
to make things easier and simple
but a lot of times we have things that
go beyond those two groups this is just
the most too common that i have observed
in working with couples in therapy
group number one of initial shock phase
is when as a result of things settling
in and the emotions and feelings
settling in and kind of stabilizing
themselves
partners may feel
a sense of catastrophe coming over a
sense of overwhelming anxiety coming
over
um
what i mean by sense of catastrophe is
that you had space your mind space
starts to spin into a very
catastrophizing narrative in a sense of
really worrying about the future you may
be subtly experiencing thoughts such as
oh my god i am terrified what's going to
happen oh my god what's going to happen
to our kids how are you now going to
come out our kids if you have kids what
are others are going to think suddenly
you're overly concerned about what
others are going to think maybe some of
your thoughts may even come out from
social cultural uh sense of transphobia
that has accumulated in all of us by the
way this is not to pinpoint on partners
we all have cultural transphobia it's a
byproduct of living in a transphobic
world and so as a result you have all of
these feelings come up in a sense of
overwhelming anxiety and very big
catastrophizing
tendencies
other form of catastrophizing could be
starting to thinking about your intimate
life is this partner you may start
questioning yourself wait a second
i'm not a lesbian or wait a second i'm
not a gay man or wait a second i'm not
bisexual so you're starting to question
your sexuality because your partners
seem to express their true authentic
gender the genders that you found
yourself initially attracted to that
lend you into relationship is now
shifting and because it is now shifting
you're suddenly starting to question
your sexuality which is normal which is
exactly what happens um you will
question your sexuality but that's going
to be also part of this catastrophizing
phase where suddenly
you're overwhelmed where suddenly
everything just seems like it's never
going to work out everything seems like
it's going to fall apart
you may even have a panic attack
sometimes people have panic attacks
sometimes people just get really
depressed thinking about this
catastrophizing period
a lot of times what i see partners do
and i really do not recommend doing this
during this catastrophizing phase is
because they get so terrified and so
scared of losing their trans partners or
losing
everything they have to build up up to
this point because let's acknowledge for
a lot of you it's the whole life you had
built up with this trans person it's a
whole
you may have decades together you may
have a house together you may have
children together you may have paths
together you may have so many other
things memories shared histories
together and it's a personal investment
relationships are absolutely personal
investment
and when things happen that potentially
rock the loss of the personal investment
well it's going to scare us and terrify
us and that's what's happening to you is
that it scares you and terrifies you and
out of that fear
one of the defenses that i see partners
employ which again i don't recommend
because it just doesn't work it doesn't
serve anybody
are ultimatums so if you're listening to
this in your radio gone through
catastrophizing face and you already
employed ultimatums you know what i'm
talking about and if you haven't gotten
through this phase just be mindful of
that ultimatums what are they usually
the sound something along the lines of
partners telling their trans partners
i'm going to leave you if you're going
to transition i'm going to divorce you
if you're going to transition
if you tradition you're going to lose
everything if you transition
i'm taking the kids and i'm walking away
it's a very drastic me
or
or transition type of option there's no
win-win there's only one way and it's
either gonna be my way or it's gonna be
your way
um
you have to realize that
it's no win-win situation if the person
chooses your ultimatum then they lose
and if you choose
to walk away you also lose so it's a
no-win-win i also don't like all
ultimatums because
telling your partner telling your trans
partner during this time period that
if you transition
i'm going to leave you if you transition
i'm going to divorce you
you're basically telling them but if you
don't transition i'll stay with you and
i just don't see how is that
relationship going to work out for you
now that you know the true gender
identity of your partner aren't you
afraid that as a result they will start
harboring and cultivating contempt and
resentment to overdue which by the way
happens all of the time so just think
when things
of such seriousness as generally is what
it comes up in relationship
and if a person really feels like they
need to transition especially if you
feel like they need to transition
ultimatums just never sure of anybody so
i want you to be keep keep mindful
about that now remember how i said in
part one of the video as partners you
always have a sense of agency you also
always have a sense of
your own independence to be able to make
decisions for you and if you truly
decide that this relationship is not for
you
i will be the first person to 100
support your decision because i think we
all have to do what's best for us this
is also why the partners are coming out
to you because they have to decide
what's ultimately best for their health
but to throw away ultimatums and to tell
a person you have to choose it's almost
like telling somebody um that really
needs medical attention that i will
leave you if you get this medical
attention so you have to understand that
it doesn't really work like that so
very much caution partners against
ultimatums uh they never work i have yet
to show ultimatum work they always have
even worse consequences and people just
end up resentful hateful toward each
other and things end up ending anyway
i'd rather for people in a relationship
if it's not going to work out for you if
you're going to decide this just changes
the nature of relationship completely to
such extent that i don't see this is
happening i don't see this is making it
which happens and i have to acknowledge
that happens i just for both of you to
appreciate and respect the investment
you put into it and to part
still being acquaintances in the very
least friends in the very best
still parents if you have children or
pets
in a very very best case that's what i
really want for everybody uh versus
having this
breakaway because of the old latin so
that's group number one that tends to
react when catastrophizing uh during
initial shock happens you tend to
catastrophize anxiety takes over as a
result fears come up all of these fears
what's now as a result of fears you may
offer ultimatums now i want to
acknowledge there are partners sometimes
who do offer ultimatums and they don't
necessarily mean it when they do it it's
more a defense mechanism in order to
try to hold on and control and have
control over situations that they feel
they don't have control over that's a
different scenario a lot of times those
partners come back and they say you know
what i didn't really mean it
not drastically
but that's what i felt at the moment so
that's a different scenario too but
ultimate items that you truly mean
um
they just don't work people i'm sorry if
they truly do not work i don't know a
couple therapists who is going to tell
you that ultimatums ever work in a
relationship
so that's group number one another group
that tends to fall into a pattern uh
most commonly if you're not feeling
catastrophizing and sense of anxiety
during initial shock what another group
tends to feel is an overwhelming sense
of denial and overwhelming sense of
denial in a sense of um
where you're really not acknowledging
the
reality you're really not acknowledged
not even reality but you're not
acknowledging the seriousness of the
situation in a sense that you're not
allowing yourself to accept
to what extent it's going to change
things in your relationship because it
does change things in a relationship
so as a result what happens in this
phase of denial for those people the
ways they tend to come out
when trans partners come out and express
themselves
during this initial shock phase is that
you end up doing the opposite whereas
one group tends to over catastrophize
and give ultimatums this group over here
that's more in denial what they tend to
do is they tend to now be overly
supportive um be overly
it's okay we'll figure this out i love
you
i'll support you
it's okay if you start expressing
yourself when you prefer gender let me
help you out
what do you need what can i get you
let's figure out how to come out to our
kids if the kids are involved so it's
it's a partner who is suddenly like
overly supportive and i see partners
especially in a long-term marriage that
are overly supportive for me personally
as a clinician it's a little bit of a
red flag because the reality is that
well this is something serious that just
shook up your relationship and like i
said so many times before i married for
16 years and if my husband came out and
told me that
he is questioning his gender
as much as i would want to be supportive
i probably will say something to the
extent of i'll support you but i'm
shaken up and i have no idea
what's going to happen and i have no
idea how it's going to evolve so that's
a different type of support versus being
suddenly so
polygonish if you will everything is
wonderful this is so great you identify
as transgender i will support you all
that's great let's go closing shopping
it's a little bit overly extreme there's
got to be a shaken up factor because
why shouldn't there be um
you're in relationship uh gender is a
big component of that relationship a
partner came out not saying that it has
to be to the extent for you giving out
ultimatums and you're catastrophizing
but there's got to be some base of
reality here so this is the individuals
in this group tend to be in denial and
that's another form of defense where's
for the groups that tends to get very
anxious in defense is to give out
ultimatums in order to
relinquish control this group over here
um
because they're in denial their defense
is to be overly accommodating to be
overly um
overly supportive also in in a way to
relinquish control of the situation but
over here you're trying to do you're
trying not to lose you both groups
notice fear losing the partner by the
way but this one the way they try to
control situation is by maintaining
sense of control by being overly
supportive so don't leave me i'll
support you this one over here says if
you do this i will leave you so it's a
different type of situation only one can
say this is also maybe overly supportive
ultimatum if you will so there's the two
most common categories that people tend
to fall into when they get into the
initial shock phase is that
ultimatums or being overly supportive
i totally understand why people fall
into those groups i think it's totally
normal to fall into those groups no
matter how on a surface that may look
like because initially people who are
over here in denial they wake up wake up
out of the denial i'll talk about it in
the next video so now it becomes reality
check and then they freak out and then
people over here sometimes adapt to the
situation that they didn't think they
would adopt um we're humans these
situations are complex they're difficult
the longer you've been in relationships
the more complex about nuance your
situation is going to be because you
have that much investment in your
relationship you have that much
investment in each other
so there's going to be all this little
interplays in the place it's not easy i
feel for both sides i feel tremendously
for the partners i feel tremendously for
the trans partners um it's nobody's
fault
um it's it's stuff that happens it's i
call it life happens um and it
sucks and it's not fair there's no fair
unfair why me why you um the more you're
gonna ask yourself those questions is
the more you're going to get stuck the
more resentful you're gonna get towards
leaving the best thing is just to
acknowledge all right let me deal with
what's in front of me
and how can i best adopt so these are
the most two common groups that in a
phase 2 initial shock tend to fall into
those categories comment below if you're
watching let me know um but
let me know what you think let me know
whether you fell as a partner into one
category or into another whether you
fall into the category of uh individuals
who were did you get astrophysics did
you give your partner ultimatum how did
that work out for you um
did you then realize that it's not gonna
work out what was the nature of your
ultimatum do you mind sharing that below
if you're over here and you felt a sense
of denial and you were over supportive
and then reality kicked in
what happened how did you feel about it
did that scare you like i said partners
feel all kinds of things and if you're
trans partner comment below and let me
know as a trans partner what group of
categories did you witness your partner
fall into what was it like for you what
was the most challenging thing for you
about seeing them in that category and
stay tuned for uh part
um part four of the series
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