Glennon Doyle presenting a live session About Boys and Men of present time
Summary
TLDRIn this reflective talk, the speaker discusses the pressures and expectations placed on both men and women by societal norms, drawing parallels between her own experiences and the broader cultural 'taming' of genders. She shares her journey from feeling disconnected from men due to perceived performative gender roles to finding a new understanding and connection after her marriage to a woman. The speaker also expresses concern for her son, emphasizing the importance of allowing boys to express their full humanity without societal constraints. She calls for a collective conversation on breaking free from gender stereotypes to embrace a more compassionate and equitable society.
Takeaways
- 🕊️ The speaker discusses the impact of societal expectations and 'taming' on both men and women, suggesting that these pressures are equally present but manifest differently.
- 🌟 The speaker shares a personal struggle with punctuality and responsibility, attributing it to past experiences as an addict and the fear of disappointing others.
- 🔄 There's a noted change in how the speaker relates to men since marrying a woman, suggesting that the absence of traditional gender performances allows for deeper connections.
- 🚹 The script touches on the 'caging' of men's identities, where they are expected to exhibit certain behaviors such as dominance and stoicism, which are detrimental to their true selves.
- 👶 The speaker expresses concern for the societal messages that boys receive, which strip them of their vulnerability and humanity at an early age.
- 👧 The importance of challenging gender norms is emphasized, especially in raising children to be aware of and resist the toxic messages that can limit their potential.
- 💔 The speaker recounts a moment of realization about the double standards and harsher societal judgments faced by men when they attempt to express vulnerability or step outside traditional gender roles.
- 🗣️ The narrative includes a critique of the patriarchy and how it enforces gender roles through shaming and societal pressure, which maintains an unjust status quo.
- 🌐 The script suggests that dismantling gender stereotypes is not just a women's issue but a collective effort to free everyone from the constraints of prescribed gender behaviors.
- ❤️ The speaker concludes with a call for continued conversation and action to liberate boys and men from societal 'taming,' emphasizing the importance of empathy and humanity.
Q & A
Why did the speaker decide to hold the meeting on Memorial Day despite their initial hesitation?
-The speaker decided to hold the meeting on Memorial Day because they felt nervous about not showing up for their audience, indicating a sense of responsibility and commitment to their routine.
What phobia does the speaker mention having, and how do they relate it to their past?
-The speaker mentions having a phobia of being late or missing something they're supposed to be at, which they relate to their past as an addict, where they often disappointed people and missed events.
How does the speaker describe the 'cages' that both men and women are forced into by societal norms?
-The speaker describes the 'cages' as societal constructs that force both men and women into prescribed roles, with men experiencing an 'equal and opposite taming' that confines them to certain behaviors and expectations.
Why has the speaker historically found it difficult to connect with men?
-The speaker found it difficult to connect with men because she felt that both genders were performing their roles rather than being genuine, and she was particularly put off by what she perceived as a 'conquering energy' in men.
How has the speaker's relationship with men changed since marrying a woman?
-The speaker's relationship with men has changed as she feels that the energy between her and men has shifted, suggesting that perhaps the need to perform gender roles is diminished, leading to more authentic interactions.
What realization does the speaker come to about her past interactions with men?
-The speaker realizes that it wasn't men themselves she didn't like, but rather the performance of masculinity that she found off-putting.
What message did the speaker try to instill in her daughters to counteract societal messages about girls?
-The speaker tried to instill in her daughters the message that they could be bold, brave, certain, ambitious, and hungry, and still be girls, aiming to raise them to be critical of societal lies rather than passive consumers of them.
Why does the speaker feel that men's humanity is often lost, and what examples does she provide?
-The speaker feels that men's humanity is lost because they are taught from a young age to suppress tenderness and vulnerability in favor of ambition and conquest. She provides examples such as hazing incidents, military suicides, and toxic behaviors in positions of power.
What is the 'zookeeper' metaphor referring to in the context of the script?
-The 'zookeeper' metaphor refers to societal and cultural forces that enforce gender roles and shame men back into their prescribed roles when they attempt to express vulnerability or step outside of traditional masculinity.
Why does the speaker believe that the expression of certain human traits is suppressed in society?
-The speaker believes that the expression of traits like tenderness, mercy, and vulnerability is suppressed because these traits threaten the status quo of an unjust society that benefits from maintaining power imbalances and perpetuating harmful norms.
What is the speaker's call to action at the end of the script regarding the taming of men and boys?
-The speaker calls for continued conversation and examination of how to free little boys from societal taming, emphasizing the importance of allowing them to retain their full humanity without shame or suppression.
Outlines
🌟 Personal Struggle with Responsibility and Gender Dynamics
The speaker begins by discussing their internal conflict over whether to hold a meeting on Memorial Day, reflecting on a personal anxiety stemming from past experiences as an addict. They express a fear of being late or missing commitments, which they believe is a remnant of their addiction. The speaker then transitions into a conversation about societal expectations and the 'taming' of both men and women, drawing parallels between their own experiences and the broader cultural pressures. They share their past difficulty in connecting with men, feeling that both genders were performing rather than being authentic. However, the speaker notes a shift in their relationships with men since marrying a woman, suggesting that the dynamic has become more genuine and less performative. The paragraph concludes with a newfound interest in understanding the 'taming' of men.
🌱 Raising Girls and the Impact of Cultural Messages
In the second paragraph, the speaker shares their personal journey of unlearning harmful cultural messages about femininity that they internalized as a child. They recount the restrictive and damaging expectations placed on girls, such as the need to be happy, small, and pleasing. The speaker expresses a deep commitment to protecting their daughters from these toxic messages, aiming to raise them to be strong and aware rather than passive consumers of culture. They describe various efforts to counteract these messages, including playing empowering content to their unborn children and reframing terms like 'bossy' as positive traits. The speaker also reflects on the broader societal implications of these gendered expectations, expressing concern for their son and the need to allow him the freedom to express his full humanity without being confined by traditional masculine roles.
🔒 The Consequences of Gender Stereotyping and Shaming
The final paragraph delves into the societal mechanisms that enforce gender roles and the consequences of challenging these norms. The speaker uses the example of a man who faced ridicule for joining a book club focused on a memoir by Glennon Doyle, illustrating how men are shamed for stepping outside of prescribed masculine behaviors. The speaker argues that these reactions are symptomatic of a misogynistic culture that uses gender roles to maintain power and control. They propose that by labeling certain traits as feminine, society can discredit them in both women and shame men into suppressing these qualities. The speaker concludes by questioning the necessity of these cultural prescriptions and the impact on both men and women, emphasizing the need for a collective conversation to challenge and change these norms.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Memorial Day
💡Phobia
💡Irresponsible
💡Taming
💡Gender Performance
💡Conquering Energy
💡Vulnerability
💡Misogyny
💡Humanity
💡Zookeepers
💡Portnoy's Complaint
Highlights
The speaker discusses their anxiety about not showing up for their audience, stemming from past experiences with addiction.
A personal phobia of being late or missing events is mentioned, which is hypothesized to be a residual effect from the speaker's past as an addict.
The concept of 'taming' is introduced as a societal force that pressures both men and women into conforming to gender roles.
The speaker shares a personal struggle with connecting to men due to perceived gender performances.
A shift in the speaker's relationship with men is described after marrying a woman, noting a change in the energy and interactions.
The realization that it's not men themselves but the societal performance of masculinity that the speaker dislikes is shared.
The speaker recounts how they tried to counteract toxic gender messages for their daughters by celebrating strong women.
An incident of a fraternity hazing death, a Navy SEAL's suicide, and stories of powerful men abusing their power are mentioned to illustrate the crisis of masculinity.
The speaker expresses concern for their son, wanting him to grow up with the freedom to express all aspects of his humanity.
The societal expectation for boys to suppress vulnerability and tenderness is critiqued as part of the 'taming' process.
The speaker reflects on the shaming responses a man received for joining a book club focused on understanding women better.
The concept of 'zoos' and 'zookeepers' is used as a metaphor for the patriarchy and the enforcement of gender roles.
The idea that gender roles are prescribed by society, not inherent, is discussed, challenging the notion that certain traits are inherently masculine or feminine.
The speaker theorizes that the strict enforcement of gender roles helps maintain the status quo by suppressing empathy and mercy.
The speaker calls for a continued conversation on how to free boys from the constraints of societal gender roles.
The importance of not viewing the issue as 'us versus them' but rather as a collective struggle against societal 'taming' is emphasized.
Transcripts
hi everybody
it's morning meeting time
I wasn't sure whether I should do our
meeting today or wait till tomorrow
because it's Memorial Day
um but I was just laying in bed feeling
nervous about not showing up for you
today I have this like phobia
it's like
if I feel like I'm about to be late to
something or I'm about to miss something
that I'm supposed to be at
I have a very hard time handling it
and I think it's left over from my
drinking days
I think when you're an addict you end up
missing so many things disappointing so
many people being late screwing things
up
um
that now I'm just like terrified of
doing that in any way it's like
I'm always trying to figure out okay
am I a responsible person
who was just being irresponsible for
that time of my drinking or am I an
irresponsible person who's just acting
responsible now
feels precarious
so um
anyway
um today I want to talk about
men
and boys
um
you know I wrote Untamed about women and
about how women
um
lose ourselves
by the way that we're programmed by our
culture
but it could have just as easily been
written about men
because men have an equal and opposite
taming
right they are forced into cages just
like we are at the same time we are by
the same Force as we are
they just kind of have opposite cages
um
and you know I've actually I've had a
hard time
relating to and connecting with men
for most of my life
um
I just always felt and this is just I'm
sharing my personal very personal
experiences this is not
a generalization in my life I always had
this feeling
in the presence of men that we were all
performing
that like they were performing their
gender and I was performing my gender
and so there was it was very hard to
connect
as real human beings
and I felt like there was this energy
this
thing that men have that was sort of
like this conquering energy like they
just were like in felt entitled to
conquer
the people in a room the space in a room
the the
um
talk time in a room
I didn't like that energy it was like
there was no yield to it no yield on the
sidewalk no yield in a room no yield in
a conversation
um
I didn't like that energy and I didn't
like my energy around men
I felt like I was always like catering
and trying to like
make sure they were comfortable and
laughing at jokes that I didn't think
were funny and like turning into a
one-woman audience
then there was the gender and the sex
thing
that was always there in the air
just making it awkward
and then y'all ever since I've been
married to a woman
that is all changing it's slowly
changing but it is fascinating and Abby
and I talk about it all the time men and
uh men and I just seem to be relating
differently
it's like the energy has changed
between us it's like maybe
they don't have to perform anymore for
me or I don't have to perform for them
or they don't have to put on their
conquering energy anymore because I'm
unconquerable now
foreign
I don't know it's like men have been
actually talking to me
instead of performing for me and that
has been beautiful because what I've
learned is that it was never the men
that I didn't like it was the
performance of a man
that I didn't like
um
and so I've been having some really good
conversations with men where they're
showing me their Untamed real selves and
I have
found myself caring deeply about them as
we always do when we show each other our
true selves right when we stop
performing
and so I've just become freshly obsessed
it's like all I think about these days
about how do we examine
The Taming of men
right you know
I um when I was a little girl I got
really sick from the messages in the air
about how to be a girl
right I was told that girls have to be
happy and grateful and accommodating and
pleasing and small and that girls
weren't supposed to be hungry and
um
and I was right those messages were in
the air
and I took them seriously and got really
sick I can't believe like when I was 10.
and that lasted forever and took up half
my life
um and so when I got pregnant with my
girls
I just became obsessed with making sure
that they didn't get sick
from the toxic messages about girls in
the air
because in
in a culture with so much misogyny in
the air little girls either get sick or
they get pissed
right they either breathe in the lies
and it makes them sick or they see all
the lies and keep it out
and that makes them pissed and so I just
wanted to raise little girls who were
pissed
and I remember putting
earphones on my belly when I was
pregnant and playing interviews and
stories of complicated women and I
remember you know we'd be out in the in
the world and I'd see women and I'd
point to them and we'd say I wonder what
that woman is I wonder if she's a
scientist or a CEO or a
and uh when people call my little girl's
bossy I'd say yes don't doesn't she have
amazing leadership skills
and at night I'd whisper to them oh baby
you can be
bold and you can be brave and you can be
certain and you can be ambitious and you
can be hungry and you can still be a
girl
and it worked I am I mean these girls
are
these girls I've got are pretty
they are not
just consumers of our culture they don't
just swallow the lies in the air they
can see them and point to them
but one day I was watching the news a
long time ago and there were all these
news
um stories right in a row and one was
about this hazing incident where this
fraternity had
um made this little boy drink so much
that he had died and the other one was
about this
um Navy SEAL who had just died of
suicide from PTSD and another one was
about these six white men in power who
had just crushed these
um
employees of theirs and and just just
story after Story of men
losing their Humanity
and the trickle-down effects of that on
the world and I just thought oh
I have a son too
and I haven't been whispering in his ear
oh honey you can be uncertain and tender
and feeling and complicated
and merciful and still be a boy
you know
little boys
God they get tamed so early right
away they learn to earn their identity
as boy and to learn their belonging in
the boys club that they have to hide all
of their um tenderness that they have to
not be vulnerable at all that they have
to conquer girls that they have to
um become rich and famous and Conquer
conquer conquer conquer conquer and that
they can't be uncertain right
they can't be feeling I mean I know that
women have a hard
place
we've got a lot of work to do for
equality but I wouldn't trade places
with a man for all the money in the
world
and the way it works is that when as
soon as a man tries to step outside
of their cage they get shamed back in by
the zookeepers there's this man who
wrote this tweet
recently on Twitter he said in my first
ever book club I'm the only dude which
is how we ended up reading Glennon
Doyle's Untamed it's moving and
thought-provoking fellas if you want to
better understand the women in your life
or just appear to be the sensitive type
highly recommend it here are the
responses to this guy who tried to step
out of his cage
love the new parody account
looks like you stumbled into the wrong
Zoom
hard pass
trouser among the skirts I'm in a book
club too there are no ladies we've never
read a book each book Night features a
different themed beer
call the authorities you've been
kidnapped ah joining an all women's book
club nice cover I can't believe you
admitted this LOL I pity you
I could see if your gal Pals were
reading fiction except for romance but
the work of a serial memoirist for you a
writer to confess that must have John
Steinbeck spinning in his grave
those were the responses to this man
and then the sad part
see we come out of our cage the
zookeepers come
this is the tribal shaming right to try
to push us back in our cage
and then we slink back into our cage
like this here's what he finally says in
response to all this tribal shaming
have you ever heard of the Trojan Horse
I'm pushing for Port nice complaint
so we know portney's complaint is a book
about a man and his dark sexual drive
and how it causes shame for him and his
sexual conquests
so you see what happened
he stepped out and tried to admit that
he was a vulnerable man who needed
connection and to learn about being
human and when he got shamed back in his
cage he said oh I was just joking I'm
just here for the
I don't know
it's so sad
and you know it's all misogyny
the zoo is the patriarchy and the bars
of every cage ours and the boys
it's all misogyny all these messages say
just get back in your cage your man cage
don't be a girl girls are bad
even the names they used to insult each
other think about this
the names they use to push each other
back in their cage
um
douchebag
son of a
they all are really insults to women
all massage me
the source of all of our Taming of men's
tamings of women of women's taming it's
all the hatred of women
why
why would this programming be so
important to power
I have a theory
gender is not wild it's prescribed when
we say girls are nurturing and boys are
ambitious girls are soft and boys are
tough girls are emotional and boys are
stoic we are not telling truths we are
sharing beliefs beliefs that have become
mandates
if these statements seem true it's
because everyone has been so well
programmed
human qualities are not gendered what is
gendered is permission to express
certain traits
why why would our culture prescribe such
strict gender roles and why would it be
so important for our culture to label
all tenderness and mercy as feminine
because disallowing the expression of
these qualities is the way the status
quo keeps its power
in a culture as imbalanced as ours in
which a few hoard billions While others
starve in which Wars are fought for oil
in which children are shot and killed
while gun manufacturers and politicians
collect the blood Money Mercy humanity
and vulnerability cannot be tolerated
mercy and empathy are great threats to
an unjust Society
so how does culture squash the
expression of these traits
in a misogynistic culture all that is
needed is to label them feminine
then we can forever discount them in
women and forever shame them out of men
tada
no more messy world-changing tenderness
to deal with
we can continue on without our shared
Humanity challenging the status quo in
any way
foreign
so what do we do
I don't have any answers today I just
want to talk about it how what do we do
to get our little boys free because I
want my little boy to be able to keep
all of his Humanity
let's keep talking about it
it's not US versus them
it's Us and Them
versus our taming
I love you
Weitere ähnliche Videos ansehen
Inspirational speech to United Nations on gender equality, Emma Watson
Stereo - a film about reversed gender stereotypes
Emma Watson's Speech on Gender Equality | ENGLISH SPEECH with BIG Subtitles
"A Seat at the Table" Isn't the Solution for Gender Equity | Lilly Singh | TED
The Battle Against Patriarchy | Rida Tharana | TEDxPESUSalon
What stands in the way of women being equal to men? BBC News
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)