You May be misusing The Skills! Try this Instead!

Summary

The transcript emphasizes the importance of empathy and communication skills in personal and professional relationships. It stresses that these skills are not a quick fix but require consistent practice and application. The speaker highlights the need to internalize these skills and apply them genuinely, rather than as manipulative tactics. They also discuss the challenges of maintaining empathy in difficult conversations and the importance of responding to triggers with curiosity rather than reacting negatively. The speaker encourages continuous self-improvement and reflection on past interactions to enhance communication and empathy.

Takeaways

• 📚 Empathy and communication skills are not quick fixes but require long-term practice and application.
• 🤔 The phrase 'how am I supposed to do that' should be used with genuine empathy, not as a manipulative tactic.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Modeling empathetic behavior with children can help them develop better communication skills as they grow up.
• 🗣️ Empathy in communication is a learned skill, much like a foreign language, that requires consistent use to master.
• 🧠 It's crucial to internalize and practice empathy to understand the other person's perspective and needs.
• 👶 Starting empathy training early in life can make it a natural part of one's communication style, leading to more successful interactions.
• 💼 At work, using empathy skills even with difficult individuals can lead to better outcomes, despite potential skepticism from peers.
• 🤝 The key to successful negotiation and communication is responding positively to triggers and maintaining a curious mindset.
• 🛡️ Assertive communication can be intense, but it's important to manage triggers and not let them dictate negative reactions.
• 🔍 After a communication misstep, a post-audit or self-reflection can help in understanding what went wrong and how to improve.

Q & A

What is the main message regarding the use of empathy in communication?

The main message is that empathy in communication is not a quick fix but a long-term skill that requires consistent practice and an empathetic mindset. It's about genuinely understanding and considering the other person's perspective.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of not using empathy as a one-time tactic?

The speaker emphasizes this because using empathy as a one-time tactic can lead to negative consequences in the long run. It may work initially, but it will eventually 'blow up in your face' as people catch on to insincere attempts.

How does the speaker suggest incorporating empathy into everyday life?

The speaker suggests making empathy a part of your life by using it in everyday interactions, such as with children, to model empathetic behavior and make it a natural part of communication.

What is the significance of practicing empathy with children according to the speaker?

Practicing empathy with children is significant because it helps them grow up with the ability to communicate effectively and understand others' perspectives, making it less difficult for them to be successful in their future interactions.

Why does the speaker compare learning empathy to learning a foreign language?

The speaker compares learning empathy to learning a foreign language to highlight the fact that it requires consistent practice and usage. If not used regularly, one can lose the ability to empathize effectively, just as one can forget a language.

What is the speaker's advice for dealing with difficult individuals at work?

The speaker advises to keep your mindset focused on the goal and not get caught up in others' opinions or reactions. They suggest that practicing empathy, even with difficult individuals, can lead to positive outcomes and personal growth.

How does the speaker handle being triggered during a conversation?

The speaker handles being triggered by staying curious and not responding negatively to the trigger. They acknowledge their emotions, label them, and then refocus on understanding the other person's perspective.

What is the 'post-audit' technique mentioned by the speaker?

The 'post-audit' technique is a self-reflection process where, after reacting to a trigger, the speaker takes a moment to apologize and calm down, which also helps to de-escalate the situation and allows for a more productive conversation.

Why is it important to question oneself and do a deeper dive after a negotiation or difficult conversation, according to the speaker?

It's important to question oneself and do a deeper dive to learn from the experience, identify areas for improvement, and grow in one's communication skills. This continuous self-assessment helps in becoming more effective in future interactions.

What role does curiosity play in managing difficult conversations, as per the speaker?

Curiosity plays a crucial role in managing difficult conversations by allowing the speaker to stay focused on understanding the other person's perspective, even when triggered. This mindset helps in responding positively rather than reacting negatively.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Empathy and Long-Term Skill Development

The speaker emphasizes that people often seek quick fixes but fail to realize that developing skills, particularly in empathy and communication, is a long-term endeavor. Success can be achieved, but it requires an ongoing commitment to practice and internalize these skills. The speaker warns against using empathy as a one-time tactic, as it can backfire without genuine understanding and application. They advocate for integrating these skills into daily life, using examples such as coaching children to model empathetic behavior, which can lead to better communication in adulthood. The speaker also discusses the challenges of using empathy in difficult situations, such as with unsympathetic individuals, and suggests that practicing empathy in such contexts can yield significant personal and professional rewards.

05:01

😅 Navigating Triggers and the Power of Curiosity

In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the importance of being comfortable with discomfort during negotiations or difficult conversations. They acknowledge that it's natural to feel triggered but stress the importance of responding positively to these triggers. The speaker highlights the value of curiosity in understanding the underlying messages in communication and suggests that staying curious can help manage negative reactions. They differentiate between assertive and analytical personalities, using humor to illustrate their points. The speaker also talks about the process of self-auditing after a conversation, admitting mistakes, and using apologies strategically to de-escalate tension and maintain control over the situation.

10:03

🤔 The Impact of Apologies and Self-Auditing

The final paragraph focuses on the calming effect of self-auditing and the strategic use of apologies. The speaker explains that acknowledging a loss of control or an overreaction can help in diffusing tense situations. They suggest that a well-placed apology can serve to calm both parties involved, as it can break the cycle of escalating emotions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of this technique in managing one's own reactions and in influencing the other person's response, leading to a more constructive dialogue.

Keywords

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In the context of the video, it is a crucial skill for effective communication and building relationships. The speaker emphasizes that empathy should precede the use of any communication technique, as it ensures that interactions are genuine and considerate of the other person's perspective. For example, the speaker warns against using certain phrases without empathy, as it can lead to breakdowns in communication.

💡Quick Fix

A 'quick fix' refers to a solution that provides immediate but often temporary relief. The video script discourages the pursuit of quick fixes in communication, suggesting that lasting success comes from long-term skill development and practice. The speaker argues that people often seek instant solutions but fail to recognize the importance of consistent effort and the cultivation of an empathetic mindset.

💡Mindset

Mindset refers to a set of attitudes and beliefs that shape how a person perceives and approaches situations. In the video, the importance of having the right mindset for communication is highlighted. The speaker stresses that adopting an empathy mindset is essential for using communication skills effectively, as it influences how one interacts with others and the outcomes of those interactions.

💡Internalize

To internalize means to incorporate something into one's own understanding or behavior. The script mentions that one must internalize communication skills and practices to achieve success. This involves not just learning techniques but also integrating them into one's daily life and interactions, which is illustrated by the speaker's advice to use these skills with children to model empathetic behavior.

💡Modeling

Modeling is the act of setting an example for others to follow. The video discusses the concept of modeling empathetic behavior, especially in the context of parenting. The speaker suggests that by using communication skills with children, parents can model empathy, which children will then learn and incorporate into their own communication as they grow up.

💡Assertive

Assertiveness is the ability to express one's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in an open, honest, and direct manner. In the script, assertiveness is contrasted with other communication styles, particularly the analyst style. The speaker notes that assertive individuals are direct and upfront, which can be powerful in negotiations and difficult conversations, but it requires careful handling to avoid negative reactions.

💡Trigger

A trigger is a stimulus that evokes a strong emotional response. The video script acknowledges that people will get triggered during negotiations or difficult conversations. The speaker advises on how to respond to triggers, emphasizing the importance of staying curious and not reacting negatively, which is crucial for maintaining effective communication and achieving desired outcomes.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity is a desire to learn or know more. In the context of the video, curiosity is presented as a valuable mindset during challenging conversations. The speaker encourages maintaining a curious mindset to explore the underlying messages and motivations behind what others say, which can help in navigating difficult discussions and uncovering hidden meanings.

💡Post-audit

A post-audit refers to a review or evaluation after an event has occurred. The script introduces the concept of a 'post-audit' in communication, where one reflects on their reactions and responses during a conversation. The speaker describes it as a self-awareness practice that allows individuals to recognize when they have reacted negatively to a trigger and to recalibrate their approach.

💡Apology

An apology is a formal acknowledgment of one's mistake or failure. The video script discusses the strategic use of apologies in communication, particularly after an emotional outburst. The speaker suggests that a well-placed apology can serve as a tool to calm both oneself and the other party, reestablishing a productive dialogue and demonstrating self-awareness and control.

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a process where parties discuss and resolve issues to reach an agreement. The video script touches on the challenges of negotiation, especially when facing difficult individuals or situations. The speaker highlights the importance of preparation, self-awareness, and the ability to manage one's reactions during negotiations to achieve successful outcomes.

Highlights

The importance of understanding that developing skills for long-term success is not a quick fix but a long game.

Success in using certain skills can be temporary and may eventually backfire without empathy.

The necessity of adopting an empathy mindset when engaging with others.

The potential for a single successful use of a skill to lead to over-reliance and eventual failure.

The value of internalizing and practicing skills with the correct mindset for effective communication.

The analogy of learning a foreign language to emphasize the importance of continuous practice.

Coaching advice on integrating these skills into daily life and using them with children to model empathetic behavior.

The impact of modeling empathy on children's future communication skills.

The challenge of using empathy with difficult individuals and the benefits of doing so.

The importance of maintaining one's mindset and not getting caught up in others' perceptions during difficult interactions.

The concept of examining past conversations for continuous improvement in communication skills.

The idea that being uncomfortable during negotiations is normal and part of the process.

The advice on responding positively to triggers during difficult conversations.

The power of curiosity in navigating challenging interactions and finding hidden messages.

The strategy of self-labeling negative emotions to dissipate them and refocus on the conversation.

The concept of a 'post-audit' to calm oneself and the other party after an emotional reaction.

The effectiveness of a well-placed apology in diffusing tension and reestablishing a calm conversation.

Transcripts

well I think what happens is people

sometimes come to us when they want that

quick fix and they don't realize that

this is not a quick fix this is a long

game using these skills are a long game

and you yes can you have success

especially with how am I supposed to do

that because that's like the the one

thing that many people took from the

book and they're like how am I supposed

to do that and we hear that all the time

and and that is going to blow up in your

face it may work a few times but it will

blow up in your face eventually because

it has to be preceded by empathy in

other words you have to be in that

empathy mindset using these skills

having that conversation with that

person and then trigger their empathy by

saying oh how am I supposed to do that

it's it's not an end all Beall skill

that's going to get you what you want

and the problem is then people hear that

they use it the one time to great

success and then they just keep using it

and they just keep using it and then

finally they use it on the the same

person twice and the person's like what

is this how I supp you know then it

catches on and then you're lost because

if you don't internalize and practice

and use this stuff with a proper mindset

thinking about what's going on with the

person on the other side you're not

going to get anywhere you you it's not a

quick fix and I think that's the thing

that when you first start working with

someone when you first start coaching

someone and they hear you say that they

go GH you know because it is like

learning that foreign language and if

you've ever learned a foreign language

you know that if you stop doing it you

forget it if you don't use it you lose

it and so when we tell people you have

to use this you have to use this all the

time my thing with people is make it a

part of your life I I love coaching

people with kids because I say use it

with your children because what you're

going to do is your modeling empathetic

behavior that they will then grow up to

do because you've modeled it for them

and it'll be a lot less difficult for

them to be successful in their

Communications when they grow up because

you've modeled that behavior for them I

mean think about um when we were kids

and our parents would say go do this and

you'd say why because I said so that's

not empathy folks that's typical

parental reaction which you will do

anyway but try not to do it all the time

when they say why it seems like you

really want to understand why I'm having

you do this and then you know and then

give them something I mean why is the

sky blue I don't know oxygen does this

and chemicals do that and they don't

care what you say just don't say because

and give them an answer it it shapes

their mind

into thinking about what's happening on

the other side and what the other side

needs to hear and feel from you which

leads them to be empathetic and it'll be

less of a lift for them when they get

older to be able to do empathy to use

empathy to understand what empathy is

it'll be ingrained in them instead of

like it was for us when we had to take a

year to focus on what the hell was

happening and and try to figure out what

we were doing and take a really long

time to use the skills and understand

the mindset and learn that foreign

language

and understand that it's not a quick fix

and your kids will get that if you start

them early on

this and the the mindset thing one of

the one of the obstacles I had was

especially at work when I try to use the

skills on the worst possible person like

the one everybody hated whether it was

the bad boss or or the peer or whatever

or even on the on the negotiation team

when the bad guy is so wholly

unsympathetic you know a a child sex

abuser or something like that and You'

be using the skills keep your mindset

when you're at work because people are

going to ask you why are you being nice

to them and the fact is those people are

are in my experience the ones that these

work best on because nobody's listening

to them and you're not being nice you're

going to win with this it's all about

it's all you make it all about them but

it's all about your results so when

you've got the bad boss and you're the

one that talks to them there's going to

be people who whisper that you know

you're sucking up there's going to be

people who whisper that you've switched

sides keep your mind set because what

you're going after is that win you're

trying to affect all of your futures the

whole team so uh don't don't get in your

own head about how this feels or how

this looks to other people you're gonna

ultimately you're the warrior in this

and you're going to win it but it it

does take practice and but it's so much

fun when you unlock somebody that nobody

else has unlocked when when somebody

tells you something that they've never

told anyone else oh it's yeah just work

on your poker face so you're not going

ha you know because that'll throw them

off their game a little bit but um it it

takes time and and we keep drilling that

down but it takes time to develop and

you should always keep developing you

should always examine the conversations

that you had this morning and last night

and say what could I have done better

what could I have learned what did I

miss what am I going to do next time I

talk to this person and just keep

growing because it is it is an absolute

blast and and you become that person

that everybody wants to talk to and

you're just sitting back making money

because they call you with all of their

lucrative problems yeah that's I like

the way you put

that you know what's interesting it

seems like there's a Common Thread that

I'm hearing that you guys are all saying

which is in any negotiation you're going

to question yourself you're GNA do a

deeper dive if you don't get it right

the first time and you have to be like

extremely ious if you're hitting

particularly if you're hitting up

against a wall so it sounds like getting

comfortable with being uncomfortable is

part of

this absolutely Abol freaking question

there's nobody on this screen that is

going to tell

you don't get triggered during a

negotiation or difficult conversation

they better not tell you that because

it's impossible for you to not get

triggered during the conversation

the key is how do you respond to the

trigger and this is what Marcela was

talking about as far as the curiosity is

concerned yes you get yelled at you get

attacked during the conversation it's

going to sting a little

bit and and at least two of the four

people on this screen are going to go at

you or their their initial inclination

is going to be to

go I'm tipping my hand here but to go

mama bear on you and and you know what

Mama Bear does when she's trying to

protect

mly I haven't practiced it so he also

just pointed out the two assertives

yes and so yeah so with the assertives

and I've said this for you guys before

the difference

between uh people say What's the

difference between uh the assertive and

and the the analyst and I and um um

because we often talk about them being

two sides of the same coin and the

difference the real difference between

the assertive and the analyst

is the the

analyst is going to sneak up behind you

and slit your throat and you'll never

hear him coming you'll never see her

coming it'll be a Tony Soprano moment

you'll put a onion ring in your mouth

and it just the screen just goes

blank with the assertives

they're going to bury the knife right in

your chest so they can watch The Life

leave your eyes that's the main

difference but the fact of the matter is

you're going to get triggered during

these conversations we're not telling

you not to get triggered we're telling

you don't respond negatively to the

trigger and staying curious is it goes a

long way into doing that because there's

always always

always a hidden message M behind every

statement behind every question and so I

stay in a curious mindset I let it sting

I think to myself oh I could just smash

you in the face with a brick right now

you're making me angry immediately as

soon as I label self-label myself the

negative emotions that I'm feeling

dissipate and now I can refocus on all

right let me be curious about where

that's coming

from and also understand that as many

times as you practice that there will be

times when you don't do that there will

be times when you are triggered so

deeply that your first response is and

the thing is the ability to take a deep

breath and realize what you've just done

and back off and I call this the post

audit I am so

sorry yeah you probably think I am a

complete idiot you probably think I'm

the meanest person in the world because

basically I just jumped back on you

that's the you know you do something and

you immediately and I have a lot of

practice at this and Marcel maybe you do

too because we're assertive and

sometimes assertives can geted very

easily and just react and then have to

realize I'm so sorry I'm a complete

idiot and then you calm yourself down a

little bit by by saying that and watch

the other side it's amazing how well it

works because if you react on someone

and you punch them in the face really

quickly not not physically although well

no not physically um but when you see

that reaction and you have to back off

for a

second you taking that time to say I'm

so sorry you probably feel like I've

lost my mind that actually calms you

down too because that audit works on

them it also works on you and you can

see them look at you like yeah you did

lose your mind but because you addressed

it they've calmed down and the trigger

that you reacted to doesn't gear them up

at the same time when you when you kind

of insert that little apology there

which is why you know there's nothing

wrong with a well-placed apology ever