Signs You Found Your Soulmate - Jordan Peterson
Summary
TLDRThe script discusses characteristics of a strong, long-lasting relationship. It emphasizes the importance of truthful communication, compatibility in life goals, shared responsibilities, and an unbreakable bond. A good relationship challenges each partner to grow. The speaker values his decades-long marriage and children, considering family central to a life well lived. He looks forward to grandchildren, as new generations sustain purpose later in life. Though relationships require work, the speaker ultimately sees marriage and child-rearing as deeply meaningful rather than a 'shackling together.'
Takeaways
- 😊 You need enough positive interactions (5:1) to sustain a relationship, but too many (11:1) can also cause issues
- 💡 Basing a marriage only on attraction is insufficient - you need maturity, intelligence and ability to negotiate life's practicalities
- 👫 Living together before marriage surprisingly does not help prevent divorce
- 🔒 Making a full commitment to your partner enables you to take the relationship more seriously
- 🤝 A strong marriage helps build a richer life by combining and strengthening each individual
- 👶 Having and raising children together sets you up for a fulfilling second half of life
- 😥 Telling the unpleasant truth is vital for communication in a marriage, even if neither partner wants to hear it
- 🚩 People tend to reject partners who are too nice and don't provide enough challenge
- 😡 Occasional conflict and tension keeps partners invested in understanding each other
- 🔮 You want a lifelong partner to grow and improve with, not someone who thinks you're currently perfect
Q & A
What ratio of positive to negative interactions is optimal for a relationship?
-Research suggests that a ratio of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction is too little to sustain a relationship, while a ratio of 11:1 is too high and can also lead to relationship problems. The ideal ratio is somewhere in between, but the exact number is not clear.
Why is transparency and trust important in a marriage?
-Transparency and trust are important in a marriage because they allow the partners to openly communicate, negotiate issues, and tell each other difficult truths when needed to grow the relationship. Without transparency and trust, resentments can build and issues go unresolved.
What practical things should a couple discuss when planning a life together?
-Practical things a couple should discuss include how they will handle finances, where they will live, their career plans and how they align, responsibilities for chores and meals, plans regarding children, and how they will interact with extended family.
Why is making a lifetime commitment important in a marriage?
-Making a lifetime commitment is important because it signifies taking the relationship seriously and gives motivation to work through difficulties to sustain a high-quality marriage across the decades.
How can having children add depth and meaning to a marriage?
-Having children bonds the couple's lives together into a family unit and gives them a meaningful joint project of raising the next generation, which can enable them to invest the later years of life with purpose and excitement.
Why is telling harsh truths important in a strong marriage?
-Telling harsh truths, even when difficult, is important because it pushes both partners to grow and confront their limitations instead of resting complacently. Working through tensions makes the relationship stronger.
Why do some reject partners for being too nice?
-Some reject partners for being too nice because they want the stimulation of some conflict, tension, and challenge. Without having to work through disagreements, the relationship can become boring.
What are some benefits of having a strong marriage and family?
-Benefits include having a sanctuary and support system through life's difficulties, undertaking meaningful adventures and projects together, fulfilling careers enabled by a stable home life, shared joy in raising children, and close family relationships in the later years.
What keeps a marriage linked and vital over decades?
-Open and honest communication, the willingness to hear and react to difficult truths from one's partner, ever-deepening knowledge of the other gained through living life together, and shared formative experiences like raising children are some things that keep a marriage vital over time.
Why have marriages and families gotten a bad reputation in modern culture?
-They have gotten a bad cultural reputation because of a cynical view that sees commitment as confinement and family as a burden rather than recognizing these relationships as sources of meaning and vehicles for self-actualization across one's decades of life.
Outlines
😕 Relationships Require a Balance of Positivity and Negativity
The first paragraph explains that for a relationship to be successful and sustainable long-term, there needs to be a balance of positive and negative interactions. If the ratio is too heavily positive or negative, the relationship will not last. Some tension and disagreement is necessary to keep the relationship engaging and allow both partners to challenge each other.
😊 Long-Term Relationships and Children Bring Meaning in Later Life
The second paragraph discusses how having a good marriage and children sets a person up for fulfillment and purpose in the second half of life. The author describes feeling thrilled to have his children getting married and anticipating grandchildren after having worked through struggles earlier on. He sees this next phase as an exciting new chapter to invest in.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡relationship
💡commitment
💡truth
💡negotiate
💡challenge
💡life quality
💡parenting
💡sanctuary
💡attraction
💡maturity
Highlights
You should get to know someone long enough to negotiate and formulate a vision of your joint future
A marriage must have trust, transparency, maturity, intelligence to negotiate finances, living situations, joint plans
Unless you've made a lifetime commitment, you won't take the relationship seriously enough to sustain high quality
A good marriage adds depth of life by tying two life strands together into one stronger rope
Marriage and children comprise two-thirds of life, even for career-focused people
Telling painful truths is key to a genuine relationship, though very difficult
If the positive to negative interaction ratio is 5:1, the relationship will fail for being too negative
If the ratio exceeds 11:1 positive to negative, it also fails - challenge keeps people engaged
The goal of a relationship isn't moment-to-moment happiness but to enable a high quality life over decades
You want someone who judges you and pushes you beyond your limitations, though it breeds resentment
A good partner is not someone who thinks you're perfect, but someone willing to contend with and bite
The bitterness keeps you linked in and figuring them out, making the relationship more durable
The lifetime commitment forces you to take the hard truths and friction seriously to hone the relationship
The resulting strength enables jointly undertaking massive shared adventures over decades with hope
Grandchildren give new purpose and excitement to invest yourself into the next life phase with vigor
Transcripts
if you're in a relationship and you only
have five positive interactions to one
negative interaction then the
relationship will end it's too negative
but if you have more than 11 positive
interactions to one negative interaction
then it also ends and you think well
that's pretty bloody peculiar why in the
world would that be don't you want like
a hundred to one positive to negative
interactions and the answer to that is
what makes you think that you want a
relationship so that you can be happy
thank you or at least happy
[Music]
said that a marriage must be based on
trust and transparency and being
Shackled together how and
you get to know someone how to set a
foundation oh well you know there's
there's no simple answer to that I think
that you should know someone well enough
so that you know if you can negotiate
with them and so that you have started
to formulate a vision of your joint
future that you can both look forward to
with enthusiasm and confidence and of
course that's going to depend to some
degree on your level of maturity but
that means you've considered such things
as do you have a sufficient number of
joint interests and are you oriented in
the same direction with regards to how
you're going to handle your joint
careers and the possibility of children
and the manner in which you're going to
interact with your in-laws and you have
to start
considering your life together from the
perspective of practicality and
economics I would say so it can't just
be that massive erotic attraction that's
associated with love although I think
that's extraordinarily important and
you're unbelievably fortunate if you
have that and you should do everything
you can to maintain it and that takes
effort that takes real effort and will
but you need to Ally that with maturity
and intelligence and the maturity and
intelligence is okay we're going to put
our lives together what's that going to
look like at the level of detail how are
we going to handle our finances where
are we going to live what are our joint
plans going to be et cetera if you want
to set up a household with someone then
there's a lot of things that you need to
get straight and you either do that by
bringing your unconscious assumptions to
bear on the situation and perhaps
clausing where they don't match or you
sit down like a conscious and aware and
articulate couple and start to negotiate
what your joint responsibilities are
going to be and so that would be well
who's responsible for the meals and when
and what are you going to eat and who's
going to get groceries and who's going
to pay the bills and who's going to do
which part of what household chores
there are to do and how is that going to
be laid out fair and so you should get
to know the person that you're with well
enough so that you can start discussing
the real practical issues of life and
determine whether or not you're capable
of negotiating that and I don't think
that necessarily means that you should
live together because the evidence is
actually quite strong at least the last
time I looked at people who live
together are more rather than less
likely to be divorced that might have
nothing to do with the actual Act of
living together it might be that people
who are more likely to get divorced are
also those who are more likely to merely
live together but I don't think that's a
great solution for reasons I won't get
into now and with regards to being
Shackled together is that that's a
complicated one and and I learned this
at least in part from Reading Carl Jung
and the idea there is that unless you've
really made a commitment to someone like
a lifetime commitment and that that's a
serious commitment one that you're not
going to back out of you're not going to
take the relationship with the
seriousness that's necessary to make it
of the highest possible quality and
sustainability across the course of your
life and it's really important that it
is of that high quality and
sustainability because the relationship
especially when it starts to produce
children is a machine let's say a
machine that you jointly operate that
adds immensely to the quality of your
life and the depth of your life I mean
you have the rope and strand of your
life and your partner has the strands in
the Rope of his or her life and then
those are tied together to make a
stronger rope and then those that unites
you across time and then those you
undertake massive adventures together
and some of that is the establishment of
a household and the establishment of
joint careers and the maintenance of
each other's mental and physical health
and the maintenance of a high quality
sexual life and all of that very very
challenging to do all of that and then
those The Joint production end and care
of children which sets you up properly
for the last half of your life so like
I'm 55 now and both my kids just got
engaged in the last month so that's
pretty bloody amazing and they're both
setting up households and and they're
stepping into adulthood and I'm
fortunate enough to have them in the
city that I live in so hooray for me
that's so bloody fortunate that I can
hardly believe it I mean we've helped
them out and tried to make to make the
possibility of their living here be
something that's viable but I'm
absolutely thrilled that they're going
to be around and I'm looking forward
immensely to having grandchildren and
like what else are you going to do when
you're 55. when you're going to be 55
it's gonna I might have 40 more years
like what am I going to do with those
years well so I have a good marriage
thank God for that and that's partly due
to the outstanding moral quality of my
wife who I'm also extraordinarily
attracted to and we've built a life
together and we've had kids together and
we're happy with our kids and we had
plenty of
struggle with our kids because one of
our children my daughter had serious
health problems which she seems to have
managed to resolve partly as a
consequence of her own Brilliance but
we've set ourselves up now so that our
children are respectable and mature
young adults so thank God for that and
they've got Partners who we both really
like and they're going to have children
and well hooray that means that this
next part of my life is going to be
something that I can invest into with a
fair bit of Hope and excitement and the
idea of having little kids around again
is thrilling because I really like
little kids they're really fun and so
the shackle together is such a cynical
way of looking at it it's more like what
you've produced is an unbreakable bond
between two beings both of them better
in every way if it's a relationship
that's based on trust and genuine
communication that's very difficult
thing to attain because you have to be
willing to tell the truth and the truth
is generally a horrible thing I mean
it's easy to tell truth when everyone
wants to hear what you have to say but
it's very difficult to tell the truth
when no one wants to hear at least of
all yourself and so marriage gets a very
bad rap in our culture and so does child
wearing and I think that's absolute
catastrophe because really being in a
long-term relationship a marriage let's
say
and having children that's two-thirds of
your life even if you're a highly career
oriented person and I'm a highly career
oriented person and my family has been
unbelievably important to me and has
also been something that's enabled me to
be a very effective in my career my
house has been a sanctuary for me and
thank God for that well many times in my
life but especially over the last year
so you should get to know someone long
enough to know that you too can tell the
truth with each other communicate and
negotiate because the most important
part of a relationship is the fact that
you can tell each other the truth and
negotiate if you're in a relationship
and you only have five positive
interactions to one negative interaction
then the relationship will end it's too
negative but if you have more than 11
positive interactions to one negative
interaction then it also ends and you
think well that's pretty bloody peculiar
why in the world would that be don't you
want like a hundred to one positive to
negative interactions and the answer to
that is what makes you think that you
want a relationship so that you can be
happy
or at least happy moment to moment why
do you think that it's not it's
certainly not the case is you know that
too because you I mean I bet you there's
not a person in this room who hasn't
rejected someone because they were too
nice to them something like that
person's no challenge it's something
like that you want someone who you can
get along with them but now and then
they bite you and you think oh that's
that's interesting I didn't really
expect that and then you go and puzzle
over it for a while and you torture
yourself about it and that's one of the
things that keeps you really linked into
the relationship and part of the reason
that you want the relationship isn't so
that you're happy right now it's so that
you can live a high quality life across
multiple decades and so you're looking
for someone that you have to contend
with who's going to push you beyond what
you already are and who's going to judge
you harshly often for your limitations
now that'll make you angry and all of
that and resentful and maybe you'll take
your revenge and and all of that but you
don't want someone who thinks you're
perfect in your current form partly
because why would you want to go out
with someone that deluded
[Music]
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