Feel Them Pulling Away? AVOID THIS MISTAKE

Summary

The video script discusses the common experience of feeling a connection with someone, only for them to suddenly pull away. It identifies the mistake of overvaluing the other person too quickly, leading to a decrease in our perceived value. The speaker advises viewers to reevaluate their interest when someone pulls away, emphasizing the importance of self-worth and focusing on qualities that make for a strong, lasting relationship. The script concludes with an invitation to a free video training for building confidence after such experiences.

Takeaways

• 💔 People often pull away when they sense someone is trying too hard or making them too important too quickly.
• 🤔 The person pulling away might feel they haven't earned the level of importance or value you've assigned to them.
• 🥊 When someone pulls away, a common mistake is to trigger a fight instinct to try to win them back.
• 🌌 Scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem can contribute to overvaluing someone who is pulling away.
• 🔍 Reflect on what you're attracted to in the person; it might reveal qualities you're overvaluing.
• 🚫 Qualities like attractiveness, confidence, and connection are not what make a great partner.
• 💖 The truly valuable qualities in a partner are kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, and good communication.
• 🔄 When someone pulls away, it's an opportunity to re-evaluate their suitability for you, not a signal to fight harder.
• 💰 Recognize your own worth and don't devalue yourself in the face of someone else's uncertainty.
• 🛑 Instead of intensifying your efforts, show the consequences of their uncertainty and let them see your value.

Q & A

What is the common scenario described at the beginning of the transcript?

The transcript describes a scenario where someone meets a person, feels attracted and connected, and initially, the feelings are mutual. However, as hopes build, the other person starts to pull away, changing their behavior and communication, leading to confusion and a sense of loss.

Why do people often pull away according to the transcript?

People may pull away because they sense that the other person is trying too hard or has made them too important too quickly. This can lead to the person feeling that their value in the other's life has been prematurely determined without having earned it.

What are the three main reasons behind the fight instinct when someone pulls away?

The three main reasons are a scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem. These factors contribute to an individual's perception of the relationship as more valuable than it may objectively be, leading to a stronger desire to fight for it.

How does the transcript suggest we evaluate our attraction to someone?

The transcript suggests that we should evaluate our attraction by writing down what we are attracted to in the person. It emphasizes the importance of being honest and recognizing if we are overvaluing certain traits that do not necessarily indicate a good partner.

What are the qualities that make someone a great partner according to the transcript?

The qualities that make someone a great partner include kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, consistency, good communication, honesty, trustworthiness, and being a great teammate. These traits contribute to building a strong and supportive relationship.

How should one respond when they feel someone pulling away?

The transcript suggests that instead of intensifying efforts to win them over, one should become less certain of them and re-evaluate their suitability. It's important to allocate more time and energy to other aspects of life and consider dating other people.

What is the significance of self-valuation in the context of relationships?

Self-valuation is crucial because it prevents one from devaluing themselves in the eyes of the other person. By recognizing one's own worth and not being too eager or intense, they maintain their value and attractiveness in the relationship.

What is the 'right context' for fighting for someone in a relationship?

The right context for fighting for someone is when there is a mutual desire to overcome a hurdle that prevents the relationship from progressing, rather than fighting for someone who is uncertain about the relationship.

How can one build back confidence after a difficult relationship experience?

The transcript suggests taking big, bold moves in one's life to become strong and confident. This can involve focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, which may either attract the person who pulled away or help one move on to find a more suitable partner.

What is the main message of the transcript regarding relationships and self-worth?

The main message is that it's important to maintain a balance between valuing a potential partner and valuing oneself. Overvaluing someone else can lead to devaluing oneself, and the key is to ensure that both parties see and appreciate each other's worth in a relationship.

What is the role of self-esteem in attracting and maintaining relationships?

Self-esteem plays a significant role as it affects how we perceive our own value and how we are perceived by others. Low self-esteem can lead to overvaluing others and undervaluing oneself, which can be detrimental to forming healthy and balanced relationships.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Familiar Story of Attraction and Pullback

This paragraph discusses the common experience of meeting someone and feeling a strong connection, only for the other person to suddenly pull away. It highlights the initial excitement and attraction, followed by the confusion and hurt when the person becomes distant, with changes in communication and less frequent engagement. The speaker aims to explore why this happens and the mistakes people often make in response to such situations.

05:01

🚫 The Mistake of Overvaluing and the Fight Instinct

The speaker identifies the common mistake of overvaluing someone who starts to pull away and the instinctive reaction to fight for the relationship. Three main reasons are discussed: scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's own value and not devaluing oneself in the face of another's uncertainty or withdrawal.

10:01

🤔 Reflecting on Attraction and True Qualities

This paragraph encourages self-reflection on what qualities in a person cause one to feel attracted. It contrasts the common attractions of physical appearance or intangible feelings with the truly valuable qualities of a partner, such as kindness, empathy, and reliability. The speaker warns against mistaking superficial traits for deep character values and suggests that true partnership is built on a foundation of mutual respect and support.

Keywords

💡Attraction

Attraction refers to the feeling of being drawn towards someone, often due to a combination of physical, emotional, and intellectual factors. In the video, it is described as the initial spark that leads to a connection with someone, where both parties feel a mutual attraction and interest. However, the speaker warns against overvaluing this initial attraction and emphasizes the importance of looking beyond surface-level qualities to build a meaningful relationship.

💡Connection

Connection denotes the sense of closeness and understanding shared between two individuals. In the context of the video, it is one of the initial feelings that people experience when they meet someone new and feel a sense of attraction. However, the speaker advises that this connection should not be mistaken for deeper relationship traits such as reliability, consistency, and trustworthiness, which are more indicative of a potential long-term partner.

💡Pull Away

To 'pull away' refers to the act of distancing oneself, either emotionally or physically, from a relationship or interaction. In the video, this concept is used to describe a scenario where one person in a budding relationship starts to feel less enthusiastic, leading to less consistent communication and a change in their behavior towards the other person. This signals a need for reevaluation of the relationship's potential and value.

💡Fight Instinct

The 'fight instinct' is a metaphorical term used to describe the natural human response to try harder to keep something perceived as valuable when it appears to be slipping away. In the video, this instinct is discussed as a common reaction when someone feels another person pulling away in a relationship. The speaker argues that this instinct can lead to overvaluing the other person and devaluing oneself, which is not a healthy approach to relationships.

💡Scarcity Mindset

A 'scarcity mindset' refers to the belief that something is in short supply or difficult to obtain, leading to a sense of urgency and fear of missing out. In the video, this mindset is associated with the fear that love or desirable partners are elusive, causing individuals to cling to relationships out of fear of not finding another opportunity.

💡Impatience

Impatience is the inability to wait calmly for something desired; it is a state of eagerness to achieve a goal or outcome without the willingness to wait for the natural progression of events. In the video, impatience is cited as one of the reasons people may become too intense in their pursuit of a relationship, wanting immediate results and not being willing to invest the time needed to build a solid foundation.

💡Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem refers to a lack of confidence in one's own worth or abilities. In the context of the video, it is one of the factors that contribute to overvaluing another person and devaluing oneself in a relationship. When someone with low self-esteem feels that they have found a valuable connection, they may become overly invested and desperate to maintain it, often at the expense of their own self-worth.

💡Qualities of a Great Partner

The 'qualities of a great partner' encompass the traits and characteristics that contribute to a healthy, supportive, and long-lasting relationship. In the video, these qualities are contrasted with the initial attractions of physical appearance or charisma. The speaker emphasizes the importance of looking for qualities such as kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, consistency, honesty, trustworthiness, and being a great communicator and teammate.

💡Overvaluing

Overvaluing is the act of assigning excessive importance or worth to something or someone. In the video, the concept is used to describe the mistake of placing too much value on a new relationship or potential partner based on initial attraction rather than on their demonstrated ability to contribute positively to a long-term partnership. This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship and a devaluation of one's own worth.

💡Re-evaluation

Re-evaluation is the process of reassessing or reconsidering a situation, belief, or relationship. In the video, it is suggested as a healthy response when someone starts to pull away in a relationship. Instead of intensifying efforts to keep the person interested, one should re-evaluate the relationship's worth and consider investing time and energy elsewhere, potentially exploring other relationships.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth refers to the inherent value and significance that an individual attributes to themselves. In the video, self-worth is emphasized as a crucial factor in maintaining healthy relationships. When one has a high sense of self-worth, they are less likely to overvalue others and more likely to demand respect and value in return. The speaker argues that recognizing and valuing one's own worth is essential for attracting a partner who will also value and respect them.

Highlights

The phenomenon of feeling a strong connection with someone new, only for them to suddenly pull away and change their behavior.

The person pulling away may sense that the other person is trying too hard or has made them too important too quickly.

When someone pulls away, it can trigger a fight instinct in the other person, leading to an increased desire to keep the relationship.

A scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem are common reasons why people overvalue a new relationship and fight to keep it.

It's important to evaluate what you're truly attracted to in a person, and whether those qualities make for a great partner.

Qualities like kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, and consistency are what make for a great relationship, yet are often overlooked.

Charisma, confidence, and physical attraction are common reasons people can't get someone off their mind, but these aren't the foundations of a strong relationship.

The appropriate response when someone pulls away is to re-evaluate their worthiness and consider allocating time and energy elsewhere.

Uncertainty from the other person should lead you to question their value to you, not your own value.

The best partners are those who are certain about you and value what you have to offer, and you should only fight for someone if there's a mutual desire to overcome hurdles together.

It's crucial to show that there are consequences to uncertainty and taking your efforts for granted.

Being less intense and overvaluing the other person is often a symptom of deeper issues, such as undervaluing oneself.

To regain strength and confidence after a relationship setback, one should focus on making bold moves and becoming strong and confident in oneself.

The key to moving on or having the other person see your value is through personal growth and self-confidence.

The speaker offers a free video training on how to build back strength and confidence after a difficult relationship experience.

The website moveonstrong.com is mentioned as a resource for learning how to rebuild confidence after a setback.

Transcripts

does this sound like a familiar story to

you

you meet someone and you feel something

that maybe you haven't felt in a while

you feel attracted

you feel connected and

the best part is

they feel the same way

and then

just as you're allowing your hopes to

run away with themselves you're

beginning to think about what this could

mean you start to feel that person pull

away their energy changes maybe their

communication becomes less consistent

maybe their responses to you get shorter

maybe they stop saying some of the

intense things that they were saying in

the beginning those things that stoked

your hope in the first place the things

that got you all excited

they stopped saying

it leaves us wondering what on earth

went wrong when everything seemed to be

going so right now

i want to talk about one of the

potential reasons that it happened that

they went cold

and i also want to talk about

the biggest mistake that we tend to make

when this happens people pull away

oftentimes

because

they have sensed something in us

that is trying too hard that has made

them too important

too quickly and one of the negative

effects of this is that someone begins

to feel that

we've made up our minds about them and

who they are and how valuable they

should be in our lives

before they've really earned it and when

we do that and when they sense that our

value goes down because they ask

themselves the question why am i so

important to this person so quickly

what's going on with them that i have

suddenly become so valuable in their

life even though a they don't know me

that well

and b i haven't actually done that much

for them it's not like i've invested a

ton into their life so why am i suddenly

so important

and when someone feels that

and your value goes down there's that

combination of your value has gone down

to that person

but you also now feel very intense to

that person and so they start

to pull back

now on to the mistake that we often make

when we feel someone pull away because

we've made this person so important

what kicks in when they pull away

is a fight instinct i am going to fight

for this i'm going to go out my way to

try to keep

this because it's really valuable and

it's really important now why have we

made it so valuable and so important

number one a scarcity mindset if we

don't meet anyone we like very often if

we feel like love is really elusive

then if we even get a taste

of being with somebody we'll do anything

to keep it number two impatience

we want the result today we don't want

to wait another year or five years or

more we want it today so if it feels

like it's right in front of us

i'll do anything i have to to keep it

and number three low self-esteem

we don't believe in our own value this

is a really interesting one

because

what happens when we find ourselves

fighting for someone who is pulling away

from us

is by definition we have devalued

ourselves

and overvalued them and what they bring

to the table let's try and experiment

for a moment pause this video for a

moment when i say this and just write

down

what it is

you are attracted to in this person and

be really honest about this don't write

answers that sound good write the truth

what is it about this person that you're

drawn to

now pay attention to your answer because

often the answers are very revealing

about something that we are overvaluing

if you wrote down

they're really attractive

if you wrote down their confidence the

connection you feel with them or if you

had trouble writing something down

because you're like

i i guess it's it's hard to explain i i

just

i don't know there's just something

about them pay very close attention to

these things

because none of them are qualities

that make someone an amazing partner i

shared the stage not too long ago with

my dear friend dr rahmani and she said

anytime someone says to her there's just

something about him

she starts to see alarm bells because as

she describes it that is the definition

of a trauma bond you're not actually

attracted to them because they have

wonderful relationship traits that would

make them a great partner or do make

them a great partner you're attracted to

them because of some ethereal hard to

put your finger on feeling

that compels you

to keep trying what are the qualities

that make someone a great partner

kindness empathy compassion they show up

for me they're reliable they're

consistent they're a great communicator

they're honest trustworthy they're a

great teammate they care about my day

and the challenges in my life and want

to support me in those those are the

kinds of qualities that make for a great

relationship but those are rarely the

things people describe when they say why

they can't get someone off their mind

why they're so attracted to that person

why they decided they were the right

person remember none of the things

like charisma confidence boldness sex

appeal

connection even the the fact that we can

talk about all sorts of different

subjects the fact that i just feel so

good around them

none of those things

are

things that on their own could make a

great relationship

they're great wonderful things to have

but

none of them are the really really

valuable things

that someone shows us when we realize

oh this person will be an incredible

teammate and if you're willing to be all

of those traits that do make you an

incredible teammate you are trustworthy

you are committed you are loyal you are

communicative

you are consistent you are generous you

are a great teammate

then

what you have is worth its weight in

gold

that's the really rare stuff

that's the stuff of true character that

is so valuable so why are you cheapening

that

and making so important these things

that you think they have one of the

things i've come across more than

anything in my career is people who

overvalue someone that they have a great

time with i want you to think about it

in a business context for a moment

i may really enjoy

being around somebody spending time with

them chatting with them having a night

out with them

but none of those things mean that that

person would be a great partner in

business if i wanted to build a business

with someone or a relationship a

romantic relationship is like a company

it's a company of two and just because

someone

is great company

it doesn't mean they can make a great

company just because someone is great

company it doesn't mean they can make a

great company someone can be

wonderful to hang out with

but can they build an amazing

relationship with you

if they're pulling away

we already know

that's not a good sign of someone who

can actually build something with you so

the appropriate response by the way when

we feel someone pulling away is to

become less certain of them the

appropriate response is to say oh you're

backing off i feel you getting colder i

feel you pulling away that's making me

re-evaluate how right you are for me

that's making me start to allocate more

time and energy to other things in my

life that's making me think well maybe

it is time to start dating other people

if you're in that place someone else's

uncertainty about you is not an

indication of your lack of value

someone's uncertainty should be an

indication of their lack of value to you

because one of the greatest things you

can have in a partner is someone who is

certain about you look should you be

willing to fight for someone yes but

here's the right context for fighting

for someone when there is a hurdle that

the two of you need to get over to be

together despite wanting to be together

romeo and juliet wanted to be together

but they were from different houses and

there was a

politics around them being together that

was a hurdle that they both mutually

wanted to get over it wasn't romeo

saying i'll fight for julia even though

she's not sure about me ask yourself if

you're playing romeo and juliet with

someone and the hurdle is their

uncertainty

because if it is

why are you fighting for this person the

only person

worth having in life

is a person who values what we have to

give and the great irony is that they

won't value what we have to give if we

don't put a high price on it ourselves

if we

feel someone pulling away

and instead of going oh you seem to

not see my value that makes you less

valuable to me if instead of doing that

we feel someone pulling away and go no

i'll fight for you then what they start

to feel is oh this person's willing to

fight for me even when i'm not trying

even when i'm pulling away

firstly that feels very intense now and

secondly what does that say about their

value

what does that say about who they are

and their confidence what we need to do

is show someone that there are real

stakes there are real consequences to

you not being sure about me i may have

been trying before i may have been

showing you my best and showing you what

i was capable of but the moment you

start taking that for granted the moment

you start showing me that you're not

sure about me you become less worthy of

all of this effort i'm giving you right

now

you become less worthy of all of these

wonderful things that i have to offer

someone which by the way are an

incredible gift you start making me

question if you're the person that i

want to give that to and if you really

can see oh there's consequences to me

not trying there's consequences to me

not being sure about you

then my value to you starts going up

what someone needs to realize from us is

yes i find you sexy

yes i love being around you you turn me

on i find you fun i find you exciting

i enjoy your company but none of that is

more important than what's right for me

i may be attracted to you but i am far

more attracted to the life i want for

myself when i'm coaching people it's not

just about telling them you need to be

less intense it's about solving the

deeper issue of why

we are being intense being in too

intense is often a byproduct

of overvaluing somebody else

and what they bring to the table and

undervaluing ourselves and what we bring

to the table now look i'm not saying

that this person is a terrible person

it may just be someone who

hasn't had a fair shot at seeing your

value yet partly because in the process

you didn't value yourself but whether

your goal is to move on from this person

or to finally have them see your value

the answer is the same

it's taking big bold moves in your life

to become strong and confident in a way

that either allows them to see it

and become newly attracted to it or

allows you to move on and find the love

you actually deserve with someone who's

right for you and i have a way that you

can do this it's a free video training

at moveonstrong.com

that shows you exactly how to build back

that strength to be the most confident

you

after a difficult time like this where

someone has either rejected you or gone

cold or started to pull away go to

moveonstrong.com

[Music]

and i'll show you how to build that

confidence again

i'll see you over there

[Music]