How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation (with 4 practices)

Summary

In this video, Dia explores the concept of self-worth, distinguishing it from self-esteem and emphasizing its resilience to external influences. She outlines the importance of self-worth for personal boundaries, self-perception, and life experiences. Dia then offers four practical steps to enhance self-worth: self-acceptance and compassion, self-trust, pushing beyond comfort zones, and the separation of tasks to avoid seeking external validation. The video encourages viewers to build a strong foundation of self-worth to navigate life's unpredictability.

Takeaways

• 🏠 **Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem**: Self-worth is more about internal identity and resilience against external circumstances, unlike self-esteem which is more about external validation.
• 🌟 **Importance of Self-Worth**: A strong sense of self-worth influences how one perceives reality, sets boundaries, and what one believes is possible in life.
• 🚀 **Building Self-Worth**: The video outlines four steps to build and strengthen self-worth, emphasizing personal growth and internal development.
• 🤝 **Self-Acceptance**: Accepting both positive and negative traits about oneself without judgment is crucial for building self-worth.
• 🌱 **Self-Trust**: Trusting oneself to make beneficial choices and being comfortable saying 'no' to things that don't align with personal well-being.
• 🏋️‍♀️ **Getting Uncomfortable**: Stepping out of one's comfort zone is essential for personal growth and strengthening self-worth.
• 🧗‍♀️ **Separation of Tasks**: Understanding the difference between personal tasks and those of others helps in setting boundaries and not seeking external validation.
• 🌐 **External Perception**: One cannot control how others perceive them, and it's important to focus on one's own integrity and actions.
• 📚 **Reading for Growth**: The host recommends reading and learning as a means to enhance self-worth and personal development.
• 🔄 **Continuous Improvement**: The process of building self-worth is ongoing, requiring continuous effort and adaptation to change.

Q & A

What is the main focus of Dia's video?

The main focus of Dia's video is to discuss the concept of self-worth, differentiate it from self-esteem, and provide steps on how to increase one's sense of self-worth.

How does Dia define self-worth?

Dia defines self-worth as being more associated with internal values and resilience against external circumstances. It's about who you are as a person, rather than what you do or how you perform.

What is the difference between self-worth and self-esteem according to the video?

Self-worth is more internal and resilient to outside forces, while self-esteem is more affected by external validation and performance.

Why is having a strong sense of self-worth important?

Having a strong sense of self-worth is important because it influences how one perceives reality, stands in their boundaries, and what they believe they deserve in life.

What are the four steps Dia suggests to increase self-worth?

The four steps suggested by Dia are: self-acceptance and compassion, self-trust, getting uncomfortable by stepping out of your comfort zone, and the concept of separation of tasks.

How does Dia relate self-worth to a house?

Dia likens self-worth to a house that one continuously builds and lives in, where the windows represent how we perceive the world and the doors are how we interact with reality.

What does Dia mean by 'separation of tasks'?

Dia means that there are tasks that belong to us and tasks that belong to others. It's about not taking on others' responsibilities and focusing on what is within our control.

How does Dia suggest dealing with the past that affects self-worth?

Dia suggests accepting the past as unchangeable and focusing on what can be controlled from the present moment onward to build a stronger sense of self-worth.

What role does self-acceptance play in building self-worth?

Self-acceptance plays a crucial role in building self-worth by allowing individuals to acknowledge and accept all parts of themselves without judgment, leading to less defensive reactions and more self-compassion.

Why is getting uncomfortable important for self-worth?

Getting uncomfortable is important for self-worth because it allows individuals to challenge their limits, build self-trust, and grow beyond their comfort zone.

How does Dia link self-worth to the idea of being one's own boss?

Dia links self-worth to being one's own boss by illustrating that taking on such a role requires trust in one's abilities, which in turn strengthens self-worth.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Understanding Self-Worth

Dia introduces the topic of self-worth, distinguishing it from self-esteem. She outlines the video into three parts: defining self-worth, its importance, and steps to strengthen it. Self-worth is described as an internal quality, resilient to external circumstances, and more about one's identity rather than achievements. Dia discusses the potential misconception of high self-worth with arrogance and explains how self-perception significantly impacts life experiences. She uses the metaphor of self as a house, emphasizing the need for a strong foundation to withstand life's unpredictability.

05:03

🌱 Building Self-Worth: Self-Acceptance and Trust

The second paragraph delves into the first two steps for building self-worth: self-acceptance and self-trust. Self-acceptance involves acknowledging both positive and negative traits without judgment, allowing for personal growth and reduced defensiveness. Self-trust means making choices that benefit oneself and others, even if it means saying no to things that don't align with one's well-being. Dia encourages developing good habits and breaking down big goals into smaller, achievable steps to reinforce self-trust and establish a self-caring routine.

10:04

🚀 Embracing Discomfort and Setting Boundaries

In the final paragraph, Dia discusses the importance of stepping out of one's comfort zone to strengthen self-worth and the concept of 'separation of tasks.' She encourages taking small steps to face discomfort, which can build self-trust and personal growth. The idea of focusing on one's own tasks and not taking on others' responsibilities is introduced to avoid seeking external validation. Dia advises setting boundaries and understanding that one's perception by others is not under one's control, promoting self-integrity and self-respect.

Keywords

💡Self-worth

Self-worth refers to the intrinsic value one places on oneself, independent of external achievements or validations. In the video, it is described as more resilient to external circumstances and tied to one's internal sense of who they are, rather than what they do. Dia emphasizes the importance of cultivating a strong sense of self-worth to dictate boundaries, ambitions, and the experiences one pursues in life.

💡Self-esteem

Self-esteem is related to how one views themselves based on accomplishments, abilities, or validation from others. The video differentiates self-worth from self-esteem by explaining that self-worth is more stable and internal, whereas self-esteem is often dependent on external factors like performance or how others perceive us. Dia mentions that while self-esteem is important, self-worth plays a more foundational role in personal well-being.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits a person sets to protect their personal space, energy, and emotional well-being. In the video, Dia stresses that a strong sense of self-worth enables individuals to establish and maintain clear boundaries, which dictate what they will or won't tolerate from others. Boundaries also help in asserting what one deserves, be it in relationships, career, or life in general.

💡Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing all aspects of oneself, including both strengths and flaws. Dia illustrates this concept with an example of recognizing her own arrogance and being at peace with it. The video underscores that self-acceptance is key to improving self-worth because it helps individuals process personal traits without judgment, allowing them to grow without being hindered by shame or denial.

💡Self-compassion

Self-compassion refers to treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially when confronting personal shortcomings or challenges. In the video, Dia highlights that self-compassion doesn’t necessarily mean loving every part of yourself immediately but can begin with a neutral attitude. By accepting one's flaws without judgment, a person can build a healthier, more resilient sense of self-worth.

💡Self-trust

Self-trust is the confidence one has in their ability to make decisions that benefit their well-being and align with their values. The video positions self-trust as a key component of self-worth, where individuals learn to trust their own judgment in navigating life choices. Dia suggests that building habits that prioritize self-care and saying no to harmful situations are practical ways to strengthen self-trust.

💡Comfort zone

The comfort zone is the psychological state where a person feels safe and in control but may not be challenged to grow. Dia encourages stepping outside of the comfort zone as a way to build self-worth, as it allows individuals to engage with new experiences and overcome fears. By doing things one initially thought they couldn't, like starting a business or attending social events, people can grow their self-trust and confidence.

💡Separation of tasks

Separation of tasks refers to understanding which responsibilities or actions belong to you and which are not within your control. Dia introduces this concept from a book she read, explaining that trying to manage others’ perceptions or feelings is not our task, but maintaining our own integrity is. This idea helps in setting boundaries and reduces stress related to seeking external validation for self-worth.

💡External validation

External validation is the approval or praise from others that people often seek to feel good about themselves. In the video, Dia cautions against relying on external validation for self-worth, as it creates a shaky foundation. Instead, she encourages focusing on intrinsic values and accomplishments that enrich one’s life, rather than trying to please others for recognition.

💡Victim mentality

Victim mentality is the belief that one is powerless over their circumstances and that external factors are to blame for their life challenges. Dia warns against this mindset, stating that while we cannot change the past, we can take control of our future. She suggests that accepting personal responsibility for one’s growth and decisions is empowering and necessary for building a strong sense of self-worth.

Highlights

Self-worth is more about who you are and less about what you do or how you perform.

A strong sense of self-worth is resilient against outside forces or circumstances.

Self-worth can influence your confidence and potentially what you achieve.

Your perception of reality and yourself plays a crucial role in your life experiences.

Self-worth is like a house that provides safety and security, capable of weathering life's storms.

Accepting that no one can fix you and taking responsibility for your life is essential for growth.

Understanding that you are not a victim and focusing on what you can change is key.

Self-acceptance and compassion involve acknowledging both positive and negative traits without judgment.

Self-trust means trusting your ability to make choices that benefit you and those around you.

Building good habits and a sustainable lifestyle is part of strengthening self-trust.

Getting uncomfortable and stepping out of your comfort zone is necessary for self-growth.

Separation of tasks involves focusing on what is within your control and letting go of external validation.

Understanding that how others perceive you is not your task, but how you act and behave is.

The importance of operating from the latest updated version of yourself, taking responsibility for your actions.

The idea that self-worth is not about pleasing everyone but about being true to yourself.

The necessity to set boundaries and honor your own needs to maintain a strong sense of self-worth.

The concept that self-worth is built by doing things that enrich your life, not just for external recognition.

Transcripts

hi everyone my name is Dia and in

today's video I want to talk about how

we can come to understand what exactly

selfworth means and how to increase our

sense or strengthen our sense of

selfworth I broken down the video into

three main parts today so we can have an

organized structure the first part I

want to talk about is understanding what

is selfworth and how that differentiates

from self-esteem the second part I want

to talk about is why it is incredibly

important to have a good strong sense of

self-worth and the third part which is

probably the most important I am going

to provide you with four steps on how to

continue to increase strengthen and

build your own sense of self-worth

selfworth is a lot more associated with

what's going on on the inside and less

affected or more resilient against

outside forces or circumstances it is a

lot more about who you are versus what

you do or how you perform maybe you're

feeling a little bit resistant right now

does a high selfworth equate to someone

being arrogant or full of themselves and

I think maybe possibly but that's not

black and white it's more superlative

and do I think that these people who do

have a higher sense of self are more

confident and possibly get what they

desire a bit more I think the answer is

probably yes as well what's really

important here is that you

remember yes there is a objective

reality that we all live in but how you

perceive that reality how you perceive

yourself in relation to your external

environments to other people

plays a almost more crucial role in how

you will do or feel or experience life

so this Attunement to sense of who you

are and having a good strong sense of

selfworth is incredibly important it's

going to dictate how you stand in your

boundaries it's going to dictate what

you think you deserve what you will go

for what you can imagine is possible for

yourself and in life I don't just mean

materialistic things it could be what's

possible in terms of experiences you

want to have relationships you want to

have I like to think of our sense of

self as a house a house that we

continuously build and live inside of

and the windows that we open is how we

perceive the world and the doors that we

open are how we get to interact and

experience with the reality it's a house

that you should feel safe and secure in

and it's able to weather any type of

storm that may occur that you cannot

predict and just like the weather life

is going to be unpredictable no matter

how much you try to plan or control

things are going to come up things are

going to change meaning we have to

change with it so it is a lot more

important to focus on building or having

that Foundation or that home that is

equipped to continue to be remodeled to

renew or to support you when a storm

hits secondly and this is an important

concept one that I've actually

personally struggled with in the past

maybe you never got the loving nurture

that you deserved as a kid and I don't

mean spoonfed coddling mom and dad did

everything for you what I mean is that

the most basic foundational sense of

Safety and Security babies and toddlers

and kids need to establish a firm sense

of I'm safe at home and I can also

explore the world out there courageously

if you're watching this as a cognizant

adult then sorry to say that train has

passed that's just the reality of it no

one's going to come and fix you no job

no relationship Mentor therapist is

going to magically change your life it's

in our hands now and there are plenty of

resources that's going to lead you to

the water but if but you are the one

that has to drink it and the sooner we

can accept this truth the sooner we can

begin to feel empowered to actually

implement the changes we really want to

see and this also helps tremendously to

offset that mentality of I'm a victim we

have to first come to terms with the

past that we cannot change the family we

were born into we can't change what

happened or didn't happen but we can

definitely change what happens from this

moment onward so how do we strengthen or

increase our sense of selfworth I think

that's the 1 billion doll question and

I'm going to break it down into into

four parts and please remember that all

of us are uniquely different individuals

with different history and experience

but we're all humans so there's

definitely underlying foundations that

can speak to all of us number one is

self-acceptance and compassion I'm not

going to dive into the details um this

requires a whole lengthier conversation

accept the good the bad the ugly this is

impossible to do all at once but take

notice when something does come up and

Trigger you or when someone tells you

something about yourself and you feel

some type of resistance whether it's

good or bad I'll give you an example

something that I had to accept about

myself recently is that I can be

arrogant now watch this if I haven't

accepted this part of myself and someone

tells me hey you're kind of arrogant I

would get incredibly defensive maybe in

my body I'd feel a little bit tight

maybe I want to shut down I want to

fight them or maybe I get really

self-conscious and feel ashamed so you

can go gentle and ask are there any ways

I can sometimes be arrogant even just a

little bit and so I take a deep breath

breath and I think honestly yes yes I

can be despite my best intentions I can

definitely be arrogant at times so now I

allow this acceptance to settle in my

mind and in my body I don't judge it at

all I just let it exist so next time

when I'm a little overly confident in a

situation and someone says hey you're

being a bit arrogant I'll notice that

because I've accepted this part of

myself with compassion and no judgment

it doesn't carry any more charge so I

can feel and say you know what yeah I

can be that sometimes and there won't be

any type of defensive feelings or anger

or shame and again you don't need to sit

there and come up with an inventory of

things that you embody whether it's good

or bad um all at the same time but it

will take some time and sometimes you

won't even know what it is until another

person is able to mirror it in you so

you realize this is something that you

reject for the compassionate piece I

don't think of it as a lovey dovey oh I

love you I accept everything about you

the good and the bad I don't think

that's practical or realistic um it's

not going to be easy to digest or truly

be believed by your own unconscious mind

so I recommend taking baby steps

compassion can simply be neutrality

don't let your mind make up stories just

let whatever it is there to be there and

as a lot of these um philosophical or

spiritual uh teachings will say to

witness and remember all of us are human

beings all of us are trying to do our

best with a current awareness desire and

knowledge that we possess in this moment

so any positive or negatively judged

trait or characteristic doesn't Define

your selfworth it just makes you human

number one on that list is going to be

self trust what does that mean to me

self trust means that I trust myself to

choose things that benefit me to the

best of my abilities and that is also

good for those around me now to people

Pleasers this might seem like it's a

contradictory statement what if other

people people want me to go out and I

don't want to go out well stick around

for the fourth point because we're going

to talk about that self trust means I

care and love myself enough to say no to

things that doesn't feel good things

that might harm me in any small or large

way and continue to build good habits

and create a lifestyle that is actually

sustainable and good for me long term

and the key here is not Perfection it is

acknowledging that being human isn't

black and white it's not an all or

nothing while make the wrong choices

sometimes it's also about levity and for

going when night of deep rest to enjoy a

party with your friends so think of it

more of a balance if we're too rigid in

our attempt to live in the perfect life

it can also tip over into being more

controlling or feeling ashamed about not

being perfect so what can you do start

with things that actually feels nice to

do for yourself maybe it's waking up a

little earlier in the morning before

work so you just have some extra time to

do whatever it is that feels good to you

and then create a relatively consistent

habit out of doing that and maybe it's

finally sitting down and doing research

on what supplements or skin products

that would benefit you and then sticking

to that routine at night just like you

would brushing your teeth it can be

about breaking lofty big life goals that

you want for the long run breaking them

into smaller chunks so they're

achievable for example I heard today on

an Instagram post someone was saying

that their friend um basically set a

goal for himself to go to the gym every

day for 5 minutes and even though that

sounds ridiculous he was able to

accomplish this goal consistently and

thus starting to build a habit so

anytime you have a goal that feels too

scary or not the perfect timing or not

the perfect place um break them down

into a lot more smaller chunks and then

that way you can start to establish that

habit becomes before it becomes a part

of who you are so whatever those things

might be for you whether they're small

or big steps um it basically reassures

your own inner child and your

unconscious mind that you are here for

you that you're going to stand by your

own promises to yourself and honor what

feels good and what's giving you energy

because you are worthy of someone

looking after you and caring for you the

way that you would care for somebody

else that you love number two get

uncomfortable if you're in survival mode

I don't expect you to have the energy or

resources to do this so remember the

first part of this is compassion but if

you're ready or you're in thriving mode

it's time to step best out of your

comfort zone the only way for you to

continue strengthening your selfworth is

by doing things that you thought you

could couldn't now there's a difference

between accomplishment for external

recognition versus experiences that

actually truly enrich your own life and

this does kind of tie into self-esteem

but I don't think it's possible to

continue growing our sense of self and S

forth without engaging with life that is

outside of the safety of our home so to

speak or the safety of our comfort zone

for example I didn't believe I could be

My Own Boss until I was and I truly

didn't think anyone was proud of me at

the time I don't even think I was proud

myself it just felt like there were

Hills and Hills to climb and Achieve but

there is a subtle yet incredibly shift

that happened in myself I knew all that

it took to learn new skills in order to

create videos build a website start a

podcast and I began to trust in myself

that whenever I felt scared to do

something new I had the courage and

ability to do it anyway getting

uncomfortable and making it through that

uncomfortable feeling is how we can

start to build more self trust to know

that we have our own back and all these

different ways we as social creatures

need to know or learn how to adapt and

how to grow and how to try and I don't

know what your uncomfortable thing is

that you deeply desire to do but

remember just to take baby steps so I

have a bit of social anxiety even though

I deeply desire connection like most of

us do and the way through it is going to

things that makes me feel a little bit

uncomfortable because you're strangers

there and what are they going to think

about me and then I actually go to those

events and realize it's actually kind of

nice

and I'm still not the best at this but

I'm definitely making progress so this

is the perfect transition to the next

point which is point four and this is

the idea of separation of tasks so I

just finished reading this book

um the courage to be

disliked it's one of those books that

was profound enough to actually have

inspired this whole episode to be honest

separation of tasks simply means that

there are tasks that belong to you and

and then there are the rest that has

absolutely nothing to do with you and

it's not your problem they're not within

your control and it creates a lot of

pain trying to maintain or do other

people's tasks and this ties to the

behavior of seeking external validation

in order to feel that sense of

worthiness I'm very familiar with this

growing up I was really only praised for

things that I did never really for who I

am this led me to being really good at

being the helper and feeling like others

will only appreciate me or find me

valuable if I am doing something for

them and it creates this very shaky or

weaker sense of selfworth because a lot

of times people won't always appreciate

what you do for them or notice it or

they may not even want you to help them

the important point is this and it ties

into setting boundaries a lot of times

we smear our own boundaries in order to

feel that acceptance or that love maybe

you're burnt out and you just want to

take Sunday off you're either afraid to

disappoint your friend who's asking you

to help them move so you're exhausted

and you're feeling resentful and you

think that now they owe you a favor or

you first try to say no but upon their

insistence you start to feel guilty or

unconsciously think I'm not a good

friend if I don't go help so you say yes

and maybe you begin to feel that your

friends are only your friends because

you do those things or you do those

favors for them it's impossible to

believe or trust that someone loves you

or accepts you for who you are if you're

not being honest about who you are and

what you want and more importantly what

you don't want so again avoid black and

white thinking please know that I'm not

saying to always 100% prioritize

yourself that's not possible there's

going to be moments when you show up for

someone even though you're a little bit

tired even though you're burnt out but

it is the proportion of how you show up

and how firmly you honor your own needs

in your boundaries if you're constantly

worried about how other people are

perceiving you or what you're doing

you're doing other people's tasks for

them imagine you're an artist and you

love the art that you make you put it

online and out of a 100 people that

follow you 20 of them Ador your art and

they buy it 70 of them felt indifferent

or didn't connect to it and 10 of them

are just straight up haters is it

possible for you to have everyone like

what you do or who you are but if you

love what you made and you firmly stand

by it and enjoyed it why try to control

how it's being perceived because you

simply cannot you'll be pulled in

literally a hundred different directions

trying to please everybody trust that

the people who genuinely matter and love

you will love you through your

imperfections know that you cannot

control if someone is upset at you or

mad at you that is their task your task

is to know what your integrity means

know your limits know what is a no and

what's a yes and allow everyone else to

do their tasks how you're perceived is

not your task all we can do is operate

from the latest updated version of

ourselves not perfectly because we're

human but we do our best and we take

responsibility and accountability for

our words and actions and our behaviors

but how it is received is not something

that you have any say in no matter how

much you push or you bend as you can

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