Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker explores the differences between lust and love, highlighting that lust is driven by physical attraction and idealization, while love is marked by oxytocin production, emotional bonding, and mutuality. She offers four cues to distinguish between the two and suggests three strategies to rekindle lust in long-term relationships: engaging in novel activities, adding surprise and mystery, and participating in arousal-producing activities together.

Takeaways

• 💓 The initial stage of a relationship often involves intense emotions and physiological responses, similar to an obsession with the new partner.
• 🔍 There are four distinct signs to differentiate between lust and love, suggesting they are fundamentally different experiences.
• 🧠 Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, leading to an idealization of the partner and a 'love is blind' phenomenon.
• 💔 Over time, lust naturally declines in romantic relationships, but it can be reignited with effort.
• ❤️ Love is associated with the hormone oxytocin, which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness.
• 🤝 A sign of love is the desire for a partner to connect with important people in one's life and to be integrated into one's social circles.
• 👥 The use of 'we' language over 'I' language indicates a deeper connection and intertwining of lives, characteristic of love.
• 🗣️ Self-disclosure is a key aspect of love, where individuals share deeper, more personal information with their partners.
• 💭 The influence one person has on another's decisions and actions is a strong indicator of being in love.
• 🌟 To reignite lust in a long-term relationship, engaging in new and novel activities can recreate the excitement of the early stages.
• 🎩 Adding surprise and mystery to a relationship can enhance lust, by reintroducing the 'wow' factor that was present at the beginning.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Arousal-producing activities, like exercise or thrilling experiences, can transfer the adrenaline rush to the relationship, boosting passion.

Q & A

What is the 'wild and out-of-control feeling' described at the beginning of a new relationship?

The 'wild and out-of-control feeling' refers to the intense emotions experienced at the start of a new relationship, where one may find themselves unable to eat, sleep, or focus on anything else due to constant thoughts of the other person, a racing heart, and an adrenaline rush when seeing them.

What is the difference between lust and love according to the speaker's research?

Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, producing a continuous sexual desire and idealizing the partner. Love, on the other hand, is a profound emotion with a physiological foundation, producing oxytocin which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness.

How does lust affect our perception of a new partner?

Lust can make us blind to the partner's flaws, as we tend to idealize them and see them as who we want them to be rather than who they truly are.

What happens to lust over time in a romantic relationship?

Lust declines in all romantic relationships over time. However, if the relationship continues, lust can potentially turn into love.

What are the four signs that differentiate lust from love?

The four signs are connection, 'we' language, self-disclosure, and mutual influence. Connection involves wanting the partner to be part of your social circle, 'we' language refers to thinking and speaking as a couple, self-disclosure is about sharing deep personal information, and mutual influence means significant decisions and experiences are shared and considered together.

How can the lustful desire in a long-term relationship be reignited?

Lust can be reignited by doing new and novel activities together, adding elements of surprise and mystery, and engaging in arousal-producing activities that can transfer the excitement to the relationship.

Why is it important to introduce a partner to friends and family when in love?

Introducing a partner to friends and family when in love is important because it shows a desire for the partner to be connected with all the important people in your life, which is a sign of wanting to integrate them into your social circle.

What does the use of 'we' language indicate in a relationship?

The use of 'we' language indicates that the lives of two people are intertwined and they consider themselves as a couple rather than separate individuals, which is a sign of being in love.

How does self-disclosure differ between lust and love?

In lust, self-disclosure is limited to superficial aspects, while in love, it involves sharing deep, personal, and intimate information, essentially going to the core of who you are.

What is the role of oxytocin in the context of love?

Oxytocin, produced when in love, triggers relaxation and promotes emotional bonding and closeness, which is the opposite effect of the 'wild sex hormones' associated with lust.

How can engaging in arousal-producing activities help rekindle lust in a relationship?

Engaging in activities that produce arousal, such as exercising together or going on a roller-coaster ride, can transfer the excitement and adrenaline rush to the partner or the relationship, tricking the brain into associating that arousal with the partner.