A hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict | Karleen Savage | TEDxValparaisoUniversity

Summary

This inspiring speech highlights the often-overlooked high-stakes conflicts in everyday relationships, urging the audience to apply the same conflict resolution skills used by professionals to their personal lives. The speaker, a hostage negotiator turned relationship counselor, shares her journey of personal growth and introduces five universal skills for conflict resolution: curiosity, attitude, master listening, connection, and reframing. She emphasizes the power of curiosity in understanding the other party's perspective and suggests practical exercises to foster empathy and open communication, ultimately saving her own marriage through these techniques.

Takeaways

• 🕵️‍♂️ Curiosity is a key skill in conflict resolution, helping to remove biases and focus on understanding the other party's perspective.
• 🎥 High-stakes conflict resolution isn't just about dramatic scenarios; it also involves everyday relationships and family disputes.
• 🤔 The speaker emphasizes the importance of being curious about the other person's story, even in the midst of a disagreement.
• 👂 Listening without emotional or verbal backlash is crucial for understanding the other party's point of view.
• 🔑 Allowing the other person's story to become part of the solution is a powerful way to resolve conflicts.
• 🧐 The speaker's personal experience with her husband's brain injury demonstrates the transformative power of curiosity in personal relationships.
• 🔍 There are different types of curiosity, but the kind that is most effective in conflict resolution is focused, clear, and intent on understanding.
• 💡 Asking questions is a stronger way of communication than making statements or sharing one's own story during a conflict.
• 🤝 Building and using relationship skills can protect and elevate personal relationships, which often have the highest stakes.
• 🛠️ The speaker identified five universal skills used by experts in conflict resolution: curiosity, attitude, master listening, connection, and reframing.
• ❓ The speaker encourages the audience to ask questions to understand the other person's perspective, which can lead to breakthroughs in conflict resolution.

Q & A

What is the common misconception about hostage negotiators and conflict resolution?

The common misconception is that hostage negotiators and conflict resolution professionals only deal with high-stakes scenarios like bank robberies or embassy takeovers, often depicted in movies, whereas in reality, they also address everyday relationship conflicts and family issues.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of everyday relationships in conflict resolution?

The speaker emphasizes everyday relationships because they often involve high stakes that can lead to significant consequences such as the breakdown of families, which can be as devastating as any high-stakes crisis.

How did the speaker's personal life experience influence her understanding of conflict resolution?

The speaker's personal life was deeply affected by her husband's brain injury, which led to significant changes in their relationship. This experience motivated her to educate herself and work in conflict resolution, ultimately leading her to discover the importance of certain skills in resolving conflicts.

What are the five universal skills the speaker identified as crucial for resolving conflicts?

The five universal skills are curiosity, attitude, master listening, connection, and reframing. These skills are used by professionals to help move people from being rigid to being resolved.

Why is curiosity particularly important in the context of conflict resolution?

Curiosity in conflict resolution is important because it helps to remove clutter, eliminate excuses and rationalizations, and focuses on understanding what the other party wants and how they would like to achieve it. It is the key to moving from insisting on being right to seeking a resolution.

What are the three questions the speaker asks the audience to reflect on their own curiosity in conflict?

The three questions are: 1) Did you allow the other party to have their own story independent of yours? 2) Were you willing to hear their story without emotional or verbal backlash? 3) Did you allow their story to become part of the solution?

How does the speaker suggest using curiosity to understand the other party's perspective in a conflict?

The speaker suggests focusing on the other party by asking questions without offering prompts or facial expressions that might influence their story. This approach encourages the other party to share their perspective without feeling judged or interrupted.

What is the significance of asking questions in the process of conflict resolution?

Asking questions is significant because it allows for a deeper understanding of the other party's perspective and feelings. It also prevents the conversation from becoming one-sided and promotes a more open and constructive dialogue.

How can the speaker's approach to conflict resolution be applied to personal relationships?

The approach can be applied by being intentional about learning about the other person's perspective, avoiding digging into one's own position, and instead asking questions to understand their position. This fosters curiosity and can lead to a resolution that considers both parties' viewpoints.

What is the speaker's personal testimony regarding the impact of curiosity on her marriage?

The speaker shares that curiosity literally saved her marriage of over three decades. By being curious and understanding her husband's perspective, she was able to see him as a person deserving of the best the world has to offer, rather than focusing solely on her own feelings and position.