Mel Robbins-How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over-TEDx SF Talk-2011
Summary
TLDRMel Robbins delivers an energetic talk at TEDx, urging individuals to take action on their desires despite the lack of motivation. She emphasizes that success is simple but not easy, requiring one to overcome the 'autopilot' state of mind and push through the initial resistance of change. Robbins introduces the 'five-second rule' to combat hesitation, encouraging immediate action on impulses to avoid self-sabotage. Her message is a call to arms for personal growth and seizing opportunities, reminding the audience of their unique potential amidst a sea of one in 140 trillion chances.
Takeaways
- 🗣️ Mel Robbins is a motivational speaker who has been helping people achieve their goals for 17 years in various settings.
- 📻 She hosts a syndicated radio show where she talks to people who feel stuck and offers advice on overcoming dissatisfaction with life.
- 🏠 She is involved in a show called 'In-Laws I Move In', which aims to resolve family conflicts by facilitating open discussions about real issues.
- 🤔 Robbins encourages the audience to think about what they truly want and to be selfish in identifying their desires.
- 📚 She emphasizes that achieving one's goals is simple in theory but not necessarily easy, as it requires taking action and breaking routines.
- 🚫 Robbins criticizes the use of the word 'fine', arguing that it often masks dissatisfaction and prevents people from taking action to improve their lives.
- 🧠 She discusses the concept of 'activation energy', the force required to break from autopilot and start a new behavior.
- 🛌 Robbins suggests setting an alarm for 30 minutes earlier to confront the physical force needed to change behavior and start the day actively.
- 🚀 She proposes the 'five-second rule' to act on impulses before the mind's emergency brake kicks in and kills the idea.
- 💡 Robbins stresses the importance of getting out of one's head and comfort zone to explore and grow, as this is essential for personal development.
- 🤝 She concludes by offering her support to the audience, encouraging them to take action and make requests to achieve their goals.
Q & A
Who is the speaker at the TEDx San Francisco event?
-The speaker is Mel Robbins, who has been helping people achieve their goals for the past 17 years.
What is the main theme of Mel Robbins' talk?
-The main theme of Mel Robbins' talk is about how to get what you want in life by overcoming the barriers that prevent action, such as the 'fine' mindset and the autopilot mode of the brain.
What does Mel Robbins do for a living?
-Mel Robbins hosts a syndicated radio show, has written a book, and is involved in various other media projects, all focused on helping people achieve their goals.
What is the 'inner snooze button' analogy Mel Robbins uses?
-The 'inner snooze button' is an analogy for the tendency to dismiss or ignore good ideas and opportunities because of the inertia of routine and comfort.
What does Mel Robbins suggest is the first decision most people make in the morning?
-Mel Robbins suggests that the first decision most people make in the morning is to hit the snooze button and go back to sleep, which symbolizes the resistance to change.
What is the 'activation energy' that Mel Robbins refers to?
-The 'activation energy' is the force or effort required to get started on a new behavior or action, which is often the same amount of force needed to break a routine.
What is the significance of the number 'one in four hundred trillion' mentioned by Mel Robbins?
-The number 'one in four hundred trillion' signifies the astronomical odds of an individual being born, emphasizing the uniqueness and potential of each person.
What is the 'five-second rule' that Mel Robbins introduces?
-The 'five-second rule' is a technique where if you have an impulse to act, you must do so within five seconds or risk the mind's tendency to pull the 'emergency brake' and kill the idea.
What does Mel Robbins believe is the key to getting out of the 'autopilot' mode of the brain?
-Mel Robbins believes that the key to getting out of the 'autopilot' mode is to force oneself to take action, especially when it involves stepping out of one's comfort zone.
What is the main advice Mel Robbins gives to the audience for achieving their goals?
-The main advice Mel Robbins gives is to stop waiting for the right feeling or motivation and instead take action immediately, especially within the critical first few seconds of an impulse.
Outlines
🎤 Introduction to Motivation and Desire
Mel Robbins opens her TEDx talk by introducing herself as a motivator for the past 17 years, helping people achieve their goals across various settings. She mentions her radio show and a new TV show where she mediates family disputes. Robbins challenges the audience to think about what they truly want, emphasizing the importance of personal motivation over societal expectations. She highlights the abundance of resources available for self-improvement, but notes that the real obstacle is overcoming inertia, symbolized by the 'f-bomb' or the act of forcing oneself to take action.
🙅♀️ The Perils of Settling for 'Fine'
Robbins discusses the negative impact of settling for 'fine' in life, arguing that this mindset prevents personal growth and change. She criticizes the use of 'fine' as a way to avoid confronting dissatisfaction in various aspects of life, such as weight, relationships, and career. She emphasizes the importance of honesty with oneself about one's desires and the rarity of feeling truly motivated to make changes. Robbins also touches on the uniqueness of each individual's existence, calculated by scientists to be an astounding one in 1.4 trillion, urging the audience to recognize their potential for greatness.
🛌 Overcoming Inertia with the 'Activation Energy'
In this section, Robbins introduces the concept of 'activation energy' as the force needed to break the cycle of autopilot behavior and initiate change. She suggests a morning alarm test to physically experience the resistance to change. Robbins explains that as adults, it's our responsibility to 'parent' ourselves, pushing through the initial discomfort to achieve our goals. She humorously illustrates the point with relatable examples of household chores and personal habits, emphasizing that the struggle to change is universal and requires conscious effort.
🔄 The Danger of a Routine Life
Robbins argues that the pursuit of a stable routine can lead to boredom and stagnation, suggesting that the human soul requires exploration and growth. She likens the feeling of being stuck to a signal that a basic need for exploration is unmet. She encourages the audience to step out of their comfort zones and to stop listening to their limiting feelings, which can hinder progress toward their desires. Robbins also introduces the 'five-second rule' as a tool to combat the natural tendency to revert to autopilot and to act on impulses before the mind can resist.
⏰ Implementing the Five-Second Rule for Action
In the final paragraph, Robbins provides actionable advice on implementing the 'five-second rule' to convert fleeting impulses into actions. She explains how the mind can quickly kill an idea if not acted upon immediately, and she encourages the audience to practice this rule during the event's social activities. Robbins concludes by expressing her commitment to helping people achieve their goals and invites them to reach out for support, emphasizing the importance of taking initiative and responsibility for one's own life.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Motivation
💡Activation Energy
💡Autopilot
💡Emergency Brake
💡Fine
💡In-Laws
💡Snooze Button
💡Non-Profit
💡Hierarchy of Needs
💡Five-Second Rule
💡Self-Talk
Highlights
Mel Robbins introduces herself as a motivator for the past 17 years, helping people achieve their goals in various settings.
She hosts a radio show and has interacted with millions of Americans who feel stuck in life, revealing a widespread sense of dissatisfaction.
Robbins discusses her new show 'In-Laws I Move In', aiming to resolve family conflicts by addressing underlying issues rather than superficial arguments.
The importance of identifying and focusing on personal desires, with an encouragement to be selfish and prioritize one's own aspirations.
A critique of the word 'fine' as a barrier to personal growth, suggesting that it allows people to settle for less than they truly want.
The concept of 'activation energy' in personal development, illustrating the initial resistance to change and the need to overcome it.
A challenge to the audience to change their morning routine as a practical example of overcoming inertia and initiating change.
The role of self-parenting in adulthood, emphasizing the responsibility to make oneself do things that are necessary for growth.
A metaphorical explanation of the brain's autopilot and emergency brake functions, highlighting the struggle between routine and change.
The idea that boredom in life stems from a lack of exploration and growth, which are fundamental needs for the soul.
The 'five-second rule' introduced as a tool to combat hesitation and to act on impulses before the mind can resist.
The importance of acting on ideas within five seconds to prevent the mind from suppressing them with the emergency brake.
A call to action for the audience to practice the five-second rule at the event, encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone.
Robbins offers her support to help people achieve their goals, emphasizing the need for them to take the initiative to ask for help.
The significance of the audience's unique existence, with a reminder that they all have the potential to make a significant impact.
A final encouragement to stand up and take action, embodying the core message of the talk to overcome inertia and pursue one's desires.
Transcripts
[Music]
bigger welcome below San Francisco TEDx
ohmygod blinding light hi everybody how
are you fine oh my gosh okay so my name
is Mel Robbins and for the last 17 years
I have done nothing but help people get
everything that they want within reason
my husband's here and so I've done it in
the court room in the boardroom in the
bedroom in people's living room whatever
room you want to be in if I'm there I
will help you get whatever you want by
any means necessary for the last three
years I post I host a syndicated radio
show five days a week I go live in 40
cities and I talk to men and women
across America who feels stuck do you
know that a third of Americans feel
dissatisfied with their lives right now
that is a hundred million people that's
insane and I've come face-to-face with
it in this new show that I'm doing which
is also insane it's called in-laws I
move in with families across America you
guessed it who are at war with their
in-laws we move them into the same house
I've herbally assassinate everybody we
open up Pandora's box and I get people
to stop arguing about the doughnuts and
who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner and
talk about the real stuff and that's
what I want to talk to you about I'm
here for you I'm gonna tell you
everything I know in less than 18
minutes about how to get what you want
so I want you to take a millisecond
right now and I want you to think about
what you want you and I want you be
selfish
screw Simon and the wee thing this is
about me right now
sorry Simon um what do you want and
here's the deal I don't want it to sound
good to other people being healthy will
not get your ass on a treadmill losing
your manboobs so you could hook up with
somebody
now that's motivation so I want to know
what do you want do you want to lose
weight do you want to triple your income
do you want to start a non-profit do you
want to find love what is it get it
right here you know what it is don't let
the death just pick something that's
part of the problem you won't pick so
we're gonna be talking about how you get
what you want and frankly getting what
you want is simple but notice I didn't
say it was easy it's very simple in fact
if you think about it we live in the
most amazing moment in time so that
thing that you have up here whatever it
may be you want to use healthy eating to
cure your diabetes you want to figure
out how to take care of the elders and
start a new hospice center you want to
move to Africa and build a school guess
what you can walk into a bookstore right
now and buy at least ten books written
by credentialed experts on how the hell
you doing you could google it and you
could probably find at least I don't
know a thousand blogs documenting the
step by step by step transformation that
somebody else is already doing you can
find anybody online and cyberstalk them
you can just walk in their footsteps and
let they you know just use the science
of drafting follow what everyone else
has done cuz somebody else is already
doing it so why don't you have what you
want when you have all the information
that you need you have the contacts that
you need there are probably free tools
online that allow you to start a
business or join a group or do whatever
the
do you want it all comes down to one
word
shut the front door you know what I'm
talking about the f-bomb it's everywhere
you hear it all the time and I honestly
don't understand what the appeal is of
the word I mean you don't sound smart
when you say it and it's really not
expressing how you really feel it's sort
of a cheap you know shot to take and of
course you know I'm talking about the
word fine how you doing I'm fine oh
really you are dragging around those
extra 40 pounds you're fine
feeling like roommates with your spouse
and you're fine you haven't had sex in
four months you're fine really
I don't think so
but see here's the deal with saying that
you're fine it's actually genius because
if you're fine you don't have to do
anything about it but when you think
about this word fine it just makes me so
angry I mean here we are at a conference
about being alive and you're gonna
describe the experience of being alive
as fine a flimsy and feeble word your
crappy say your crappy if you're amazing
say you're amazing tell the truth and
this not only goes for the social
construct oh I don't want to burden you
with the fact that I hate my life or you
know hey I'm amazing but that would make
you feel terrible the bigger issue the
bigger issue with fine is that you say
it to yourself that thing that you want
I guarantee you you've convinced
yourself that you're fine not having it
that's why you're not pushing yourself
it's the areas in your life where you've
given up where you've said oh I'm fine
my mom's never gonna change so I just
can't have that conversation I'm fine
you know we got to wait until the kids
graduate before we get divorced so we'll
just sleep in separate bedrooms I'm fine
I lost my job I can barely pay my bills
but whatever it's hard to get a job
and you know one of the reasons why this
word also just annoys me so much is
scientists have calculated oh yeah I'm
coming down scientists have calculated
the odds of you being born that's right
they've crunched the numbers I see you
up there
they have crunched the numbers on you
yeah no you guys standing up you want to
sit down for this they've crunched the
numbers on you being born and they took
into account all of the wars and the
natural disasters and the dinosaurs and
everything else and do you realize that
the odds the odds of you yeah right here
put your computer way stand up for me
done so the odds of dog hair turn around
say hi to everybody the odds yeah of
Doug Doug being born at the moment in
time he was born to the parents you were
born to with the DNA structure that you
have a hundred no one and four hundred
trillion isn't it amazing
yes you're not fine you're fantastic
you have life-changing ideas for a
reason and it's not the torture yourself
thank you thank you Doug you know
Christine was right when she said all of
you could be on stage because all of you
are all in this category one and four
hundred trillion all day long you have
ideas that could change your life that
could change the world that could change
the way that you feel and what do you do
with them nothing
oh hopefully it won't moon you
you didn't pay for that and I want you
to just think for a minute because we
all have I love to use the analogy the
inner snooze button you have these
amazing ideas that bubble up right
you've been watching people all day and
I guarantee you like you know ping-pong
balls boom boom boom boom oh my mom you
got idea what should be this and every
time you have an idea what do you do
it's a snooze what's the first decision
you made this morning I bet it was to go
back to bed yeah first decision today
I'm a hundred one and four hundred
trillion I'm gonna go back to sleep and
I get it your bed is comfortable it's
cozy it's warm if you're lucky you've
got you know like somebody that you love
next to you or in my case I've got my
husband and my two kids and possibly the
dog and the reason why I'm bringing up
this first decision that you made today
and the inner snooze alarm is because in
any area of your life that you want to
change any there's one fact that you
need to know just one you're never gonna
feel like it
ever no one's coming motivation isn't
happening you're never gonna feel like
it scientists call it activation energy
that's what they call the force required
to get you to change from what you're
doing on autopilot to do something new
so try this test tomorrow you think
you're so fancy I know you're attending
Ted try this tomorrow morning
set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier
and then when it goes off take those
sheets throw them off and stand up and
start your day no snooze no delay no
I'll just wait here for five seconds
says Mel's not standing here do it and
the reason why I want you to do it is
because you will come face to face with
the physical and I mean physical force
that's required to change your behavior
do you think that somebody who needs to
lose weight ever feels like going on a
diet of course not do you think they
ever feel like eating boiled chicken and
peas instead of a croissant I'll think
so the activation energy required to get
your ass away from your computer and out
your front door to go on the walk you
said that you were going to go on is the
exact same amount of force that it takes
you to push yourself out of a warm bed
and into a cold room what's interesting
about being an adult is that when you
become 18 nobody tells you that it's now
going to be your job to parent yourself
and by parent yourself I mean it's your
job to make yourself do the crap you
don't want to do so you can be
everything that you're supposed to be
and you're so damn busy waiting to feel
like it and you're never going to my
one never feels like getting off as DS
that's my job get off the damn D s
Kendall clean up the Barbies if you're
gonna have a nude party in my bathroom
at least clean it up
God chew with your mouth closed we're
gonna barn for crying out loud all right
dinner's coming get out of the pantry as
parents and you were a kid your parents
make you do the things you don't feel
like doing because you won't ever not
now not then not ever and even when you
get good at something you'll figure out
something else you don't want to do and
then you'll plateau out and you'll get
boring I hate this dad this is a boring
yeah but will you look for now you'll
just [ __ ] about that one it's very very
simple to get what you want but it's not
easy you have to force yourself and I
mean force and the reason why I use the
word force when Roz is up here and
talking about the emotion tracking and
she had the picture of the two sides of
the brain I look at the brain the exact
same way only I describe one side of
your brain is autopilot and the other
side is emergency brake that's the only
two speeds you get auto pilot emergency
brake and guess which one your brain
likes better autopilot you've had the
experience where you've driven to work
right you get there like oh my god I
don't remember driving here you weren't
drunk that was your brain on autopilot
it was functioning just at this level
and the problem with your mind is that
anytime you do anything that's different
from your normal routine guess what your
brain does emergency brake and it has
that reaction for everything everything
you walk into the kitchen and you see
everybody's left their breakfast dishes
for you and you think for the hundredth
time I'm gonna kill them in fact I'm
gonna leave this here and I'm gonna make
them do it but that's not your norm
routine is it your mangoes emergency
break and you go right into autopilot
I'll just load it and be pissed and then
I have sex what I mean
so when I say force anything that's a
break from your routine is gonna require
force and if you think about your life
it's kind of funny because we you know
are kids and then we become adults and
we spend so much time trying to push our
life into some sort of stable routine
and then we grow bored of it he wake up
at what the same time every day you have
largely the same breakfast you drive to
work the same way you show up at work
you look busy you avoid making calls you
update Facebook you attend the meeting
and doodle the whole time you go back
and update Facebook you make plans for
the evening you look busy some more then
you drive home the same way largely the
same dinner or you know variety of it
you watch the same kind of media and
then you go to bed and do the same thing
all over again no wonder you're bored
out of your mind
it's the routine that's killing you I
have this theory about why people get
stuck in life so most of you have
probably taken your basic psych 101
class and you've bumped into Andrew
Maslow's hierarchy of needs well your
body is kind of cool because you have
these basic needs and your body is wired
to send you signals if you are hungry or
I mean if you need food what do you feel
if you need water what do you feel if
you need sex what do you feel thank you
I think when you feel stuck or
dissatisfied in your life it's a signal
and it's not a signal that your life is
broken it's a signal that one of your
most basic needs are not being met your
need for exploration everything about
your life about your body grows your
cells regenerate your hair your nails
everything grows for your entire life
and your soul needs exploration and
growth and the only way you'll get it is
by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable
forcing yourself to get outside out of
your head thank you if you're in your
head you're behind enemy lines that is
not God talking okay it's not in fact if
I put a speaker on it and we broadcast
what you say to yourself we would
institutionalize you you would not hang
out with people that talk to you the way
you talk to yourself
so get out of your head your feelings
your feelings are screwing you I don't
care how you feel I care about what you
want and if you listen to how you feel
when it comes to what you want you will
not get it because you will never feel
like it
and you need to get outside your comfort
zone it's not about taking risks it's
about getting out side your comfort zone
those first three seconds when you push
yourself out of bed they blow but once
you're up it's great those first three
seconds when you're sitting here in a
studio or stadium like this and somebody
says get up and come dance and you think
oh I should do that and they're like oh
that experience that you had where you
had the impulse to do it and then you
didn't do the activation energy required
to force yourself your emergency brake
up hold I'm sitting right here
I'm not going up with those crazy people
I don't like the dance and
me me me me me no way well what happened
for me as I came up and I bumped into
Rachel and then we started talking and
next thing you know she's tweeting and
we're friends and boom get outside
that's where the magic is that's where
the one and four hundred trillion exists
so everything I do oh okay this is the
last part sorry
so one more thing that you can use I
call it the five-second rule your mind
can process a facial expression in 33
milliseconds it can move pretty damn
quick the other thing that it does very
quickly is if you have one of those
little impulses that are pulling you if
you don't marry it with an action within
five second you pull the emergency brake
and kill the idea kill it if you have
the impulse to get up and come dance
while the band is playing if you don't
stand up in five seconds you're gonna
pull the emergency brake if you have an
impulse about you were inspired by
somebody's speech today and you don't do
something within five seconds write a
note send yourself a text anything
physical to marry it with the idea you
will pull the emergency brake and kill
the idea your problem isn't ideas your
problem is you don't act on them you
kill them so I'm my fault it's not
anybody's fault you're doing it to
yourself stop it
I'm counting on you one and four hundred
trillion you got stuff to do and it's
not gonna happen in your head so I want
you to practice this today when we go
off to party thank god it's coming soon
because I think we all could use a
cocktail I want you to practice the
five-second rule you see somebody and
you think they have that impulse they
look interesting walk over there you
were inspired by somebody and you have a
request make it that's why you're here
experiment with it and I think you'll be
shocked about what happens and one more
thing you know I want you to know that
everything that I do whether it's the
radio show or the television show or the
book that I wrote or the column it's for
you and if there is anything that I can
do if I can do anything to make you do
the things you don't want to do so you
can have what you want I will do it but
you need to walk over you need to open
your mouth and you need to make the
request you got it good
go do it thank you thank you yes stand
up you have the impulse stand up thank
you
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