Brené Brown: Listening to shame: TED Talk: Inspiring: Informative: Ideas

Summary

In this TEDx Houston talk, the speaker candidly discusses the transformative power of vulnerability, challenging the misconception that it equates to weakness. After sharing her personal journey and the backlash from a TED Talk, she explores the link between vulnerability, courage, and creativity, emphasizing their importance for innovation and change. She also addresses the critical role of empathy in overcoming shame, a pervasive issue in society, and calls for embracing vulnerability to foster connection and growth.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ The speaker experienced a profound vulnerability hangover after a TEDx Houston talk, highlighting the personal impact of sharing deeply personal stories.
• 🏠 The initial reaction to the talk was to retreat from public life, reflecting the discomfort that can come from such exposure.
• 🔍 The speaker's friend's reaction to the talk was positive, suggesting that vulnerability can resonate with others, even if it's uncomfortable for the person sharing.
• 💡 The realization that vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength, and a critical component of wholehearted living, was a key insight from the talk.
• 🚫 There is a common misconception that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness, which the speaker aims to debunk.
• 💭 Vulnerability is defined as emotional risk and exposure to uncertainty, and the speaker believes it to be a measure of courage.
• 🌟 The speaker's research indicates that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change, challenging the audience to embrace it.
• 🤔 The speaker was initially reluctant to discuss shame due to its negative connotations, but later recognized its importance in understanding vulnerability.
• 🔄 The speaker learned about courage, creativity, and innovation not from studying vulnerability directly, but from studying shame.
• 👥 Shame is a significant barrier to important conversations, such as those about race and privilege, and must be addressed to foster progress.
• 🤝 Empathy is presented as the antidote to shame, suggesting that connection and understanding can help overcome feelings of unworthiness and failure.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction to giving a TEDx Houston talk?

The speaker experienced a vulnerability hangover after the talk, leading to a three-day self-isolation and feeling unwell.

How did the speaker's friend describe the TEDx talk?

The friend described the talk as different from the speaker's usual style but still great, and mentioned that it was live-streamed.

What was the speaker's concern about the TEDx talk being posted on YouTube?

The speaker was worried that the talk, which revealed personal vulnerabilities, would be seen by more people than the original audience, leading to embarrassment.

What did the speaker learn about vulnerability after the TEDx talk?

The speaker learned that vulnerability is not a weakness but a measure of courage, and it is essential for wholehearted living.

Why did the speaker initially avoid discussing shame in her talks?

The speaker avoided discussing shame because it was a difficult topic that no one wanted to talk about, and she had spent six years studying it before focusing on vulnerability.

What is the relationship between vulnerability and innovation according to the speaker?

The speaker believes that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change, as it involves taking emotional risks and embracing uncertainty.

What is the main difference between shame and guilt as described in the script?

Shame is a focus on self, where one feels 'I am bad,' while guilt focuses on behavior, where one acknowledges 'I did something bad.'

How does the speaker describe the impact of shame on society?

The speaker describes shame as an epidemic in culture, affecting how people parent, work, and interact with each other, and it is highly correlated with negative outcomes like addiction and depression.

What is the antidote to shame according to the speaker?

The speaker states that empathy is the antidote to shame, as it can help people connect and understand each other's struggles.

How does the speaker suggest we should approach the arena of life?

The speaker suggests that we should dare greatly and be in the arena, embracing vulnerability and not waiting until we are perfect or bulletproof.

What is the additional information provided at the end of the script about water scarcity?

The script ends with statistics about water usage and scarcity, highlighting the need for conservation and the potential for increased costs and geopolitical implications due to water stress.

Outlines

00:00

🎤 The Vulnerability Hangover

The speaker opens up about their experience following a TEDx Houston talk, where they candidly discussed vulnerability. They felt a deep sense of exposure and stayed home for days, avoiding social interactions. Upon returning to social life, they were confronted with the reality that their talk would be shared widely online. The speaker reflects on the personal impact of their vulnerability, sharing anecdotes about past actions and the fear of public exposure. They delve into the realization that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather an essential component of wholehearted living, challenging the audience's perceptions and their own.

05:01

🌟 Vulnerability as a Catalyst for Creativity

The speaker discusses the aftermath of their TED talk, which led to numerous speaking invitations. They highlight the reluctance of some organizations to discuss vulnerability and shame, yet argue that these topics are crucial for innovation, creativity, and change. The speaker emphasizes that vulnerability is the birthplace of new ideas and adaptability, and that it's essential to embrace it rather than avoid it. They share personal anecdotes and experiences that led them to understand the importance of discussing shame, which they initially wanted to avoid due to its negative connotations.

10:02

🤝 Shame: The Silent Barrier to Connection

The speaker explores the concept of shame, its impact on individuals, and its role in society. They discuss the difficulty of addressing shame due to its paralyzing effect on people, especially in conversations about race and privilege. The speaker uses the story of a TED Fellow to illustrate the importance of perseverance and the acceptance of failure as a part of growth. They emphasize the need to confront shame and to understand its manifestations in our lives, as it is a significant barrier to genuine human connection and growth.

15:03

🚫 The Gendered Nature of Shame

This paragraph delves into how shame is experienced differently by men and women due to societal expectations and gender roles. The speaker provides examples of the pressures women face to 'do it all' and the expectations placed on men to appear strong and in control. They discuss the damaging effects of shame on mental health and relationships, and the importance of empathy as an antidote to shame. The speaker calls for a better understanding of shame's impact on individuals and society, advocating for open conversations and vulnerability as a means to overcome it.

20:06

💧 The Global Water Crisis

The final paragraph shifts focus to the global water crisis, highlighting the staggering amounts of water used in everyday products and the impending water scarcity due to population growth and increased living standards. The speaker outlines the current state of the world's freshwater supply, the disparities in water distribution, and the potential for conflict and economic impact due to water stress. They emphasize the need for conservation, technological innovation, and a collective response to this growing issue.

Keywords

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in this context refers to the willingness to show one's true self, including emotions, fears, and insecurities, without fear of judgment. It is central to the video's theme as the speaker discusses how vulnerability is often misconstrued as weakness but is, in fact, a measure of courage. The speaker uses her own TEDx Houston talk as an example, where she shared her personal struggles and the aftermath, highlighting the emotional risk and exposure involved in being vulnerable.

💡Courage

Courage, as discussed in the video, is not merely about facing physical danger but also about the emotional strength required to be vulnerable. The speaker redefines vulnerability as a form of courage, emphasizing that being open and honest about one's feelings and experiences is a brave act. This is illustrated when she mentions her TED talk and the reactions she received, showing that stepping into the spotlight with personal stories requires courage.

💡Shame

Shame is a powerful emotion that arises from a sense of unworthiness or failure to meet societal or personal expectations. In the video, shame is presented as a barrier to vulnerability and connection. The speaker explores how shame can be paralyzing and how it is organized differently by gender, affecting men and women in distinct ways. She uses the example of her own experiences and societal norms to illustrate how shame can hinder personal growth and relationships.

💡Innovation

Innovation is the process of creating new ideas, methods, or products. The speaker connects vulnerability with innovation, suggesting that the willingness to take risks and be open to new ideas is inherently linked to being vulnerable. She argues that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change, as it allows individuals to step outside their comfort zones and embrace the unknown.

💡Creativity

Creativity in the video is linked to the ability to think and act in novel ways. The speaker posits that vulnerability fosters creativity because it allows for the exploration of new ideas without fear of failure or judgment. This is demonstrated through the speaker's own experiences and the broader societal context, where she argues that embracing vulnerability can lead to more creative solutions and approaches.

💡Change

Change is a central theme in the video, as the speaker discusses the importance of adapting to new circumstances and being open to transformation. She connects change with vulnerability, stating that the ability to embrace change is deeply rooted in one's willingness to be vulnerable. The speaker uses her own experiences and societal examples to illustrate how vulnerability can lead to personal and professional growth through change.

💡Breakdown

A breakdown, as mentioned in the video, refers to a moment of intense emotional or mental stress that can lead to a personal crisis. The speaker shares her own breakdown as a pivotal moment that led her to understand the importance of vulnerability. This personal anecdote serves as a powerful example of how facing one's vulnerabilities can lead to profound self-awareness and growth.

💡Emotional Risk

Emotional risk is the potential for emotional harm or discomfort that one might experience when revealing personal feelings or experiences. The speaker defines vulnerability as emotional risk exposure and uncertainty, highlighting that being vulnerable involves taking the risk of showing one's true self. This concept is integral to the video's message, as it underscores the courage required to be open and honest about one's emotions.

💡Connection

Connection in the video refers to the interpersonal relationships and bonds that are formed through shared experiences and understanding. The speaker emphasizes that vulnerability is crucial for forming deep connections with others, as it allows for authenticity and empathy. She argues that vulnerability is the path to reestablishing and strengthening relationships in various aspects of life, including personal, professional, and societal.

💡Water Scarcity

Water scarcity, although not the primary focus of the video, is mentioned towards the end as a global issue that will have significant economic, ecological, and geopolitical implications. The speaker uses this topic to illustrate the broader concept of resource scarcity and the need for innovative solutions. This serves as a metaphor for the challenges that can be overcome through vulnerability and courage, as discussed earlier in the video.

Highlights

The speaker experienced a 'vulnerability hangover' after their TEDx Houston talk, highlighting the personal impact of sharing vulnerability.

Vulnerability is not weakness, but rather a measure of courage, challenging the common misconception.

Vulnerability is essential for wholehearted living, as revealed through the speaker's research.

The speaker humorously recounts their fear of vulnerability being shared on YouTube, showing the personal struggle with exposure.

The speaker discusses the importance of vulnerability in innovation, creativity, and change.

Shame is a significant topic that must be addressed, as it is closely linked with vulnerability.

The speaker shares a personal anecdote about being recognized as the 'vulnerability Ted', illustrating the impact of their TED talk.

Shame is described as the 'swampland of the soul', emphasizing its negative impact on individuals.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of empathy as an antidote to shame, highlighting its role in overcoming shame.

Shame is organized by gender, affecting men and women differently, as discussed in the speaker's research.

The speaker connects shame with societal expectations and pressures, particularly in the context of gender roles.

The speaker shares a powerful quote from Theodore Roosevelt, emphasizing the importance of daring greatly despite potential failure.

The speaker discusses the role of shame in preventing people from engaging in meaningful conversations, such as those about race and privilege.

The speaker highlights the connection between shame and various negative outcomes, such as addiction and depression.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding shame in order to improve societal interactions and relationships.

The speaker concludes by urging the audience to embrace vulnerability and dare greatly, as a means to connect more deeply with others.

The speaker discusses the global water crisis, highlighting the need for conservation and sustainable water management.

Transcripts

I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my

TEDx Houston talk I woke up the morning

after I gave that talk with the worst

vulnerability hangover of my life and I

actually didn't leave my house for about

three days the first time I left was to

meet a friend for lunch

and when I walked in she was already at

the table and I sat down she said God

you look like hell I said thanks umm I

feel really I am I'm not functioning and

she said what's going on and I said I

just told 500 people that I became a

researcher to avoid vulnerability and

that when being vulnerable emerged from

my data as absolutely essential to

wholehearted living I told these 500

people that I had a breakdown I had a

slide that said breakdown at what point

did I think that was a good idea and she

said I saw your talk live-streamed it

was it was not really you it was a

little different than what you usually

do but it was great and I said this

can't happen YouTube they're putting

this thing on YouTube and we're going to

be talking about 600-700 people

and she said well I think it's too late

and I said let me ask you something and

she said yeah and I said remember when

we were in college and really wild and

kind of dumb

she said yeah and I said remember when

we leave a really bad message on our

ex-boyfriends answering machine then

we'd have to break into his dorm room

and then erase the tape and she goes no

so of course the only thing I could make

up to say at that point was yeah me

neither

I thought that that yeah I don't yeah me

neither and I'm thinking to myself Renee

what are you doing what are you doing

why did you bring this up have you lost

your mind

your sisters would be perfect for this

so look back up and she said are you

really going to try to break in and

steal the video before they put it on

youtube and I said I'm just thinking

about it a little bit she said you're

like the worst vulnerability role model

ever and then I looked at her and I said

something that at the time felt a little

dramatic but ended up being more

prophetic than dramatic I said if 500

turns into a thousand hour mm my life is

over

I had no contingency plan for four

million and my life did end when that

happen and maybe the hardest part about

my life ending is that I learn something

hard about myself and that was that as

much as I would be frustrated about not

being able to get my work out to the

world there was a part of me that was

working very hard to engineer staying

small staying right under the radar but

I want to talk about what I've learned

there's two things that I've learned in

the last year the first is vulnerability

is not weakness and that myth is

profoundly dangerous let me ask you

honestly and I'll give you this this

warning I'm trained as a therapist so I

can outwait you uncomfortably and so if

you could just raise your hand that

would be awesome how many of you

honestly when you're thinking about

doing something vulnerable or saying

something vulnerable

thank God vulnerabilities weakness this

is weakness how many of you think of

vulnerability and weakness synonymously

the majority of people now let me ask

you this question this past week at Ted

how many of you when you solve ulnar

ability up here thought it was pure

courage vulnerability is not weakness i

define vulnerability as emotional risk

exposure uncertainty it fuels our daily

lives and I've come to the belief this

is my 12th year doing this research that

vulnerability is our most accurate

measurement of courage to be vulnerable

to let ourselves be seen to be honest

one of the weird things has happened is

after the TED explosion I got a lot of

offers to speak all over the country and

everyone from schools and parent

meetings to fortune 500 companies

and so many of the calls went like this

hey dr. Brown we loved your TED talk

we'd like you to come in and speak we'd

appreciate it if you wouldn't mention

vulnerability or shame okay what would

you like for me to talk about there's

three big answers this is mostly to be

honest with you from the business sector

innovation creativity and change so let

me go on the record and say a

vulnerability is the birthplace of

innovation creativity and change to

create is to make something that has

never existed before there's nothing

more vulnerable than that adaptability

to change is all about vulnerability the

second thing in addition to really

finally understanding the relationship

between vulnerability and courage the

second thing I learned is this we have

to talk about shame and I'm going to be

really honest with you when I became

like a vulnerability researcher and that

became the focus because of the TED talk

and I'm not kidding that I'll give you

an example about three months ago I was

in a sporting goods store buying goggles

and shin guards and all the things that

parents buy at the sporting goods store

about from a hundred feet away this is

what I hear vulnerability Ted

vulnerability Ted

yeah I'm a fifth generation Texan our

family motto is lock and load

I am NOT a natural vulnerability

researcher um so I'm like just keep

walking she's on my six

I mean I hear vulnerability dad I Tyrell

I go hi she's right here and she said

you're the shame researcher who had the

breakdown at this point parents are like

pulling their children close but look

away um I'm so worn out at this point in

my life I look at her and I actually say

it was a frickin spiritual awakening and

she looks back and does this I know she

said we watched her TED talk in my book

club

then we read your book and we renamed

ourselves the breakdown babes and she

said our tagline is we're falling apart

and it feels fantastic

you can only imagine what it's like for

me in a faculty meeting huh

so when I became vulnerability Ted like

an action figure like ninja Barbie but

on vulnerability Ted I thought I'm gonna

leave that shame stuff behind because I

spent six years studying shame before I

really started writing and talking about

vulnerability and I thought thank God

because shame is this horrible topic no

one wants to talk about it it's the best

way to shut people down on an airplane

what do you do I study shame oh and I

see you yeah but in surviving this last

year I was reminded of a cardinal rule

not a research rule but a moral

imperative from my upbringing you got a

dance with the one who brung you and I

did not learn about vulnerability and

courage and creativity and innovation

from studying vulnerability I learned

about these things from studying shame

and so I want to walk you in to shame

you me and a list called shame the

swampland of the soul and we're going to

walk in and the purpose is not to walk

in and you know construct a home and

live there it is to put on some galoshes

and walk through and find our way around

here's why we heard the most compelling

call ever to have a conversation in this

country and I think globally around race

right yes we heard that yes

cannot have that conversation without

shame because you cannot talk about race

without talking about privilege and when

people start talking about privilege

they get paralyzed by shame we heard a

brilliant simple solution to not killing

people in surgery which is have a

checklist you can't fix that problem

without addressing shame because when

they teach those folks how to suture

they also teach them how to stitch their

self-worth to being all-powerful and

all-powerful folks don't need checklist

I had to write down the name of this Ted

fellow so I didn't mess it up here

Michigan Engle wale I hope I did right

by you

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here

and he got up and he explained how he

was driven to create some technology to

help test for anemia because people were

dying unnecessarily and he said I saw

this need so you know what I did I made

it and everybody just burst into

applause and they were like yes and he

said and it didn't work and then I made

it

32 more times and then it worked you

know what the big secret about Ted is I

can't wait to tell people this I guess

I'm doing it right now

this is like the failure conference

no it is you know why this place is

amazing because very few people here are

afraid to fail and no one that gets on

the stage so far that I've seen has not

failed I have failed miserably many

times I don't think the world

understands that because of shame

there's a great quote that saved me this

past year by Theodore Roosevelt and a

lot of people refer to it as a man the

arena quote and it goes like this it is

not the critic who counts it is not the

man who sits and points out how the doer

of Deeds could have done things better

and how he falls and stumbles the credit

goes to the man in the arena whose face

is marred with dust and blood and sweat

but when he's in the arena at best he

wins and at worst he loses but when he

fails when he loses he does so daring

greatly and that's what this conference

to me is about that's what life is about

about daring greatly about being in the

arena when you walk up to that arena and

you put your hand on the door and you

think I'm going in and I'm gonna try

this shame is the gremlin who says uh-uh

you're not good enough you never

finished that MBA your wife left you I

know your dad really wasn't in Luxemburg

he was in sing-sing I know you there's

things that happen to you growing up I

know you don't think that you're pretty

enough or smart enough or talented never

powerful enough I know your dad never

paid attention even when you made CFO

shame is that thing and then if we can

quiet it down and walk in and say I'm

going to do this we look up and the

critic that we see pointing and laughing

99% of the time is who us shame drives

two big tapes never good enough and if

you can talk it out of that one who do

you think you are

the thing to understand about shame is

it's not guilt shame is a focus on self

guilt doesn't focus on behavior shame is

I am bad guilt as I did something bad

how many of you if you did something

that was hurtful to me we'd be willing

to say I'm sorry I made a mistake how

many of you would be willing to say that

guilt I'm sorry I made a mistake shame

I'm sorry I am a mistake there is a huge

difference between shame and guilt and

here's what you need to know shame is

highly highly correlated with addiction

depression violence aggression bullying

suicide eating disorders and here's what

you even need to know more guilt

inversely correlated with those things

the ability to hold something we've done

or failed to do up against who we want

to be is incredibly adaptive it's

uncomfortable but it's adaptive the

other thing you need to know about shame

is it's absolutely organized by gender

if shame washes over me and washes over

Chris it's going to feel the same

everyone sitting in here knows the warm

wash of shame we're pretty sure that the

only people who don't experience shame

are people who have no capacity for

connection or empathy which means yes I

have a little shame no I'm a sociopath

so I would opt for yes you have a little

shame shame feels the same for men and

women but it's organized by gender for

women the best example I can give you is

Anjali

the commercial I can put the wash on the

line pack the lunches hand out the

kisses and be work at five to nine I can

bring home the bacon fry it up in the

pan and never let you forget you're a

man for women shame is do it all do it

perfectly and never let them see you

sweat I don't know how much perfume that

commercial sold but I guarantee you it

moved a lot of antidepressants and

anti-anxiety meds

shame for women is this web of

unattainable conflicting competing

expectations about who were supposed to

be and it's a straitjacket for men

shame is not a bunch of competing

conflicting expectations shame is one do

not be perceived as what weak

I did not interview men for the first

four years of my study and it wasn't

until a man looked at me one day after a

book signing said I loved what she had

to say about shame I'm curious why you

didn't mention men and I said I don't

study men and he said that's convenient

and I said why and he said because you

say to reach out tell our story be

vulnerable but you see those books you

just signed for my wife and my three

daughters I said yeah they'd rather me

die on top of my white horse than watch

me fall down when we reach out and be

vulnerable we get the [ __ ] beat out of

us and don't tell me it's from are the

guys and the coaches and the dads

because the women in my life are hard on

me than anyone else so I started

interviewing men and asking questions

and what I learned is this you show me a

woman who can actually sit with a man

and real vulnerability and fear I'll

show you a woman who's done incredible

work you show me a man who can sit with

a woman who's just had it she can't do

it all anymore and his first response is

not I unloaded the dishwasher but he

really listens because that's all we

need I'll show you a guy who's done a

lot of work shame is an epidemic in our

culture and to get out from underneath

it to find our way back to each other we

have to understand how it affects us and

how it affects the way our parenting the

way we're working the way we

looking at each other very quickly some

research by mahalik at Boston College

he asked what do women need to do to

conform to female norms the top answers

in this country nice then modest and use

all available resources for appearance

when he asked about men what a men in

this country need to do to conform with

male norms the answers were always show

emotional control work his first pursue

status and violence if we're going to

find our way back to each other we have

to understand and know empathy because

empathy is the antidote to shame if you

put shame in a petri dish it needs three

things to grow exponentially secrecy

silence and judgment if you put the same

amount of shame in a petri dish and

douse it with empathy it can't survive

the two most powerful words when we're

in struggle me too and so I'll leave you

with this thought if we're going to find

our way back to each other

vulnerability is going to be that path

and I know it's seductive to stand

outside the arena because I think I did

it my whole life

and thank to myself I'm going to go in

there and kick some ass when I'm

bulletproof and when I'm perfect and

that is seductive but the truth is that

never happens and even if you got as

perfect as you could in his bulletproof

as you could possibly muster when you

got in there that's not what we want to

see we want you to go in we want to be

with you and across from you and we just

want for ourselves and for the people we

care about and the people we work with

- dear greatly so thank y'all very much

I really appreciated

it takes 10 gallons of water to produce

one slice of bread 35 gallons to make

one cup of coffee 635 gallons to make

one hamburger with global population

expected to increase by 30% by 2050 and

more developing nations transitioning to

higher standards of living regional

water shortages and peak water issues

will become more widespread only two and

a half percent of the world's water

supply is fresh in less than 1% a fresh

water is accessible surface water mr. s

looked up in snow covers glaciers and

underground aquifers while North America

has 15% of the world's fresh water

supply and 8% of the population China is

the inverse with 7% of the world's fresh

water supply and 21 percent of the

world's population according to some

estimates a billion people today live

without access to clean drinking water

global consumption of water is expected

to increase by 40% over the next 20

years and according to some estimates

more than half of the world's population

could be living under conditions of

water stress by 2025 this water stress

could further exacerbate regional water

issues and border disputes

this is already happening in the Middle

East agriculture consumes 70% of the

world's fresh water supply and as water

constraints rise so will the food costs

there is no substitute for water and the

supply of water is essentially fixed we

will have to increasingly rely on higher

cost water desalination technologies

water reuse and conservation while the

world is not going to run out of water

as these technologies help unlock more

water supply at higher cost water

becoming a more costly and regionally

more scarce resource will have massive

economic ecological and geopolitical

implications think about it

we do