Listening to shame | Brené Brown | TED

Summary

In this TEDxHouston Talk, Brené Brown explores the concept of vulnerability, challenging the common misconception that it equates to weakness. She shares her personal experience of feeling vulnerable after a talk and discusses the importance of embracing vulnerability for whole-hearted living. Brown emphasizes that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change, and calls for open conversations about shame, which she sees as an epidemic in our culture. She concludes by advocating for the power of empathy and the courage to dare greatly in the face of shame and fear.

Takeaways

• 😔 The speaker experienced a strong sense of vulnerability after giving a TEDxHouston Talk, leading to a 'vulnerability hangover' that affected their daily life.
• 🏠 The speaker's initial reaction to the thought of their talk being widely shared was to avoid it, even humorously considering stealing the video to prevent its release.
• 🔎 The speaker discovered that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but is essential for whole-hearted living and is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.
• 🙌 The audience's perception of vulnerability as pure courage contrasts with the common misconception that it is synonymous with weakness.
• 🗣️ The speaker emphasizes the importance of discussing shame as a society, as it is intertwined with critical issues such as race and privilege.
• 💪 The speaker learned that shame is not the same as guilt, with shame being a focus on self and guilt on behavior, and that understanding this difference is crucial.
• 🚫 Shame is a significant barrier to entry for individuals attempting to make positive changes or take risks, often manifesting as self-doubt and fear of failure.
• 🧬 Shame is highly correlated with various negative outcomes such as addiction, depression, and aggression, and is organized differently by gender, affecting men and women in distinct ways.
• 🌐 The speaker calls for empathy as the antidote to shame, stating that it cannot survive in an environment of understanding and shared experiences.
• 🤝 The power of connection and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another are presented as essential for overcoming shame and fostering a supportive community.
• 🏆 The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to dare greatly, to embrace vulnerability as a path to authentic living and meaningful connection.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction to giving her TEDxHouston Talk?

The speaker experienced a severe vulnerability hangover after her TEDxHouston Talk, which led her to stay home for three days and feel unwell when she finally went out.

How did the speaker's friend react when she first saw her after the TED Talk?

The speaker's friend told her she looked like hell and expressed concern about her well-being when she appeared unwell and not functioning properly.

What did the speaker reveal about herself during her TED Talk that made her feel vulnerable?

The speaker revealed that she became a researcher to avoid vulnerability, but found it to be essential for whole-hearted living. She also disclosed having a breakdown during her presentation.

Why did the speaker consider the idea of stealing the video before it was put on YouTube?

The speaker was worried about the potential audience growth from hundreds to thousands, fearing that her life would be over if the video reached a large number of viewers.

What did the speaker learn about vulnerability in the last year?

The speaker learned that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather a profound measure of courage, and that it is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.

Why did the speaker initially avoid discussing shame in her talks after her TED Talk?

The speaker initially avoided discussing shame because it was a difficult topic that she had spent six years studying before focusing on vulnerability, and she thought she could leave it behind.

What is the difference between shame and guilt according to the speaker?

Shame is a focus on self, with the belief 'I am bad,' while guilt is a focus on behavior, acknowledging 'I did something bad.' Shame is highly correlated with negative outcomes, whereas guilt is inversely correlated.

How does the speaker describe the experience of shame for women?

For women, shame is the pressure to do it all, do it perfectly, and never show any signs of struggle or weakness, which can be likened to the Enjoli commercial's portrayal of a woman's multitasking and perfection.

How does the speaker describe the experience of shame for men?

For men, shame is the fear of being perceived as weak, with societal expectations pushing them to show emotional control, prioritize work, pursue status, and avoid vulnerability.

What is the antidote to shame according to the speaker?

Empathy is the antidote to shame. Shame thrives in environments of secrecy, silence, and judgment, but cannot survive in the presence of empathy.

What is the speaker's final message about vulnerability and shame?

The speaker's final message is that vulnerability is the path to reconnecting with each other and daring greatly. She encourages people to embrace vulnerability and not to wait until they are perfect or bulletproof to engage in life's challenges.

Outlines

00:00

😨 Embracing Vulnerability Over Fear

The speaker recounts the aftermath of her TEDxHouston Talk, where she shared her vulnerability with an audience, leading to a 'vulnerability hangover'. She discusses the fear of exposure and the realization that vulnerability is not weakness but a form of courage. The speaker challenges the audience's perception of vulnerability and her own, highlighting the importance of being emotionally open and honest as a measure of bravery.

05:06

🚀 Vulnerability as the Cradle of Innovation

Following her TED Talk, the speaker received numerous invitations to speak on topics like innovation, creativity, and change, which she links intrinsically to vulnerability. She argues that to create and adapt requires embracing vulnerability. The speaker also touches on the importance of discussing shame, using personal anecdotes to illustrate the impact of her work on others and the transformative power of embracing vulnerability, even when it feels uncomfortable.

10:09

🤝 The Intersection of Shame and Social Issues

The speaker delves into the concept of shame, its impact on societal issues like race and privilege, and its role in professional settings, such as medicine. She emphasizes that shame is a barrier to progress and genuine connection. Using quotes and personal stories, she illustrates the paralyzing effect of shame and the importance of distinguishing it from guilt, highlighting the need for empathy and understanding as the antidotes to shame.

15:10

💪 Overcoming Shame Through Empathy and Connection

This paragraph explores the gendered nature of shame and how it manifests differently for men and women, creating pressures and expectations that are difficult to meet. The speaker calls for empathy as a means to counteract shame, explaining that shame thrives in environments of secrecy, silence, and judgment but cannot survive in the presence of empathy. She encourages the audience to recognize the universality of shame and the power of connection in overcoming it.

20:11

🌟 The Call to Dare Greatly and Embrace Vulnerability

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker issues a call to action, urging the audience to dare greatly by stepping into the arena of life with vulnerability. She reflects on the allure of perfection and the false security it offers, asserting that true courage lies in embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities. The speaker leaves the audience with the idea that it is through vulnerability that we can truly connect with one another and live wholeheartedly.

Keywords

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability, in the context of this TEDxHouston Talk, is defined as emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty. It is a central theme of the video, emphasizing that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather a measure of courage. The speaker illustrates this by sharing her personal experience of revealing her breakdown to an audience, which was initially perceived as a weakness but later recognized as an act of courage.

💡Hangover

The term 'hangover' is used metaphorically in the script to describe the speaker's intense feeling of vulnerability after her TEDx talk. It conveys the discomfort and emotional aftermath that can follow when one exposes their vulnerabilities to others, which is a key point in the discussion about the nature of vulnerability and its impact on personal well-being.

💡Breakdown

A 'breakdown' is a term used to describe a period of personal crisis or intense difficulty. In the script, the speaker mentions having a breakdown and even having a slide with the word 'Breakdown' during her talk. This serves as a powerful example of her vulnerability and the courage it took to share such a personal experience with an audience.

💡Courage

Courage, as discussed in the video, is closely linked to vulnerability. The speaker argues that being vulnerable, allowing oneself to be seen and to be honest, is the most accurate measurement of courage. This challenges the common misconception that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness and instead positions it as a strength.

💡Shame

Shame is presented as a significant topic in the video, distinct from guilt and highly correlated with various negative outcomes such as addiction and depression. The speaker discusses the importance of addressing shame in conversations about race, privilege, and even in the medical field, illustrating its pervasive influence on society and personal interactions.

💡Innovation

Innovation is mentioned as being born from vulnerability. The speaker asserts that the process of creating something new, which inherently involves risk and uncertainty, is a prime example of vulnerability in action. This challenges the audience to reconsider the role of vulnerability in driving progress and creativity.

💡Creativity

Creativity is highlighted as another area deeply connected to vulnerability. The speaker explains that the act of creating requires stepping into the unknown, which is inherently vulnerable. This connection underscores the importance of embracing vulnerability as a source of new ideas and expressions.

💡Change

Change is discussed in relation to vulnerability, as adapting to change requires a willingness to be vulnerable. The speaker points out that the ability to embrace change is closely tied to one's capacity for vulnerability, suggesting that those who can adapt are also those who can face uncertainty with openness.

💡Guilt

Guilt is presented in contrast to shame, with the speaker explaining that guilt is focused on behavior rather than the self. In the script, the speaker uses the example of apologizing for a mistake (guilt) versus feeling that one is a mistake (shame), emphasizing the importance of understanding the difference and its impact on personal growth and relationships.

💡Empathy

Empathy is introduced as the antidote to shame. The speaker explains that shame thrives in environments of secrecy, silence, and judgment, but cannot survive in the presence of empathy. This concept is crucial to the video's message, suggesting that fostering empathy can help individuals overcome shame and its negative effects.

💡Daring Greatly

Daring greatly is a central theme of the talk, encapsulated by a quote from Theodore Roosevelt about the 'man in the arena.' The speaker uses this concept to encourage the audience to embrace vulnerability and step into the arena of life, despite the potential for failure, as a way to live wholeheartedly and authentically.

Highlights

The speaker experienced a profound vulnerability hangover after their TEDxHouston Talk, leading to a retreat from public life for a few days.

The speaker's friend reassured them that their talk, despite exposing vulnerability, was well-received and impactful.

The speaker humorously considered erasing the video to avoid widespread exposure of their vulnerability.

The speaker realized they had an internal conflict between wanting to share their work and a subconscious desire to remain unnoticed.

Vulnerability is not weakness but a profound measure of courage, which the speaker defines as emotional risk and exposure.

The speaker received numerous invitations to speak about innovation, creativity, and change, topics they link intrinsically to vulnerability.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of discussing shame as a critical part of understanding vulnerability.

Shame is differentiated from guilt, focusing on the self rather than behavior, and is a significant issue in today's culture.

Shame is highly correlated with negative outcomes such as addiction and depression, while guilt is inversely correlated.

Gender differences in shame are highlighted, with women facing expectations to 'do it all' and men to avoid appearing weak.

Empathy is presented as the antidote to shame, which thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment.

The speaker shares a powerful quote by Theodore Roosevelt, emphasizing the importance of daring greatly despite the fear of failure.

The speaker discusses the importance of daring greatly and being in the arena, rather than seeking perfection before participating.

The speaker reflects on the seductive idea of being perfect and bulletproof before entering the arena, acknowledging that it's a myth.

The talk concludes with a call to embrace vulnerability as the path to reconnecting with one another and daring greatly.

Transcripts

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk.

I woke up the morning after I gave that talk

with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life.

And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.

The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.

And when I walked in, she was already at the table.

I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell."

I said, "Thanks. I feel really --

I'm not functioning."

And she said, "What's going on?"

And I said, "I just told 500 people

that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability.

And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data,

as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living,

I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown.

I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.'

At what point did I think that was a good idea?"

(Laughter)

And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed.

It was not really you.

It was a little different than what you usually do.

But it was great."

And I said,

"This can't happen.

YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.

And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."

(Laughter)

And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."

And I said, "Let me ask you something."

And she said, "Yeah."

I said, "Do you remember when we were in college,

really wild and kind of dumb?"

She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message

on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?

Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"

(Laughter)

And she goes, "Uh... no."

(Laughter)

Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was,

"Yeah, me neither.

Yeah -- me neither."

And I'm thinking to myself,

"Brené, what are you doing?

Why did you bring this up?

Have you lost your mind?

Your sisters would be perfect for this."

(Laughter)

So I looked back up and she said,

"Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video

before they put it on YouTube?"

(Laughter)

And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."

(Laughter)

She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."

(Laughter)

Then I looked at her and I said something

that at the time felt a little dramatic,

but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.

"If 500 turns into 1,000

or 2,000,

my life is over."

(Laughter)

I had no contingency plan for four million.

(Laughter)

And my life did end when that happened.

And maybe the hardest part about my life ending

is that I learned something hard about myself,

and that was that,

as much as I would be frustrated

about not being able to get my work out to the world,

there was a part of me that was working very hard

to engineer staying small,

staying right under the radar.

But I want to talk about what I've learned.

There's two things that I've learned in the last year.

The first is:

vulnerability is not weakness.

And that myth is profoundly dangerous.

Let me ask you honestly --

and I'll give you this warning,

I'm trained as a therapist,

so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --

so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --

how many of you honestly,

when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable

think, "God, vulnerability is weakness."

How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?

The majority of people.

Now let me ask you this question:

This past week at TED,

how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,

thought it was pure courage?

Vulnerability is not weakness.

I define vulnerability as emotional risk,

exposure, uncertainty.

It fuels our daily lives.

And I've come to the belief --

this is my 12th year doing this research --

that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage --

to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,

to be honest.

One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion,

I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --

everyone from schools and parent meetings

to Fortune 500 companies.

And so many of the calls went like this,

"Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk.

We'd like you to come in and speak.

We'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."

(Laughter)

What would you like for me to talk about?

There's three big answers.

This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:

innovation, creativity and change.

(Laughter)

So let me go on the record and say,

vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.

(Applause)

To create is to make something that has never existed before.

There's nothing more vulnerable than that.

Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.

The second thing,

in addition to really finally understanding

the relationship between vulnerability and courage,

the second thing I learned, is this:

We have to talk about shame.

And I'm going to be really honest with you.

When I became a "vulnerability researcher"

and that became the focus because of the TED talk --

and I'm not kidding.

I'll give you an example.

About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store

buying goggles and shin guards

and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.

About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:

"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"

(Laughter)

(Laughter ends)

I'm a fifth-generation Texan.

Our family motto is "Lock and load."

I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.

So I'm like,

just keep walking, she's on my six.

(Laughter)

And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"

I turn around, I go, "Hi."

She's right here and she said,

"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."

(Laughter)

At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.

(Laughter)

"Look away."

And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,

I look at her and I actually say,

"It was a fricking spiritual awakening."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

And she looks back and does this,

"I know."

(Laughter)

And she said,

"We watched your TED talk in my book club.

Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves

'The Breakdown Babes.'"

(Laughter)

And she said, "Our tagline is:

'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"

(Laughter)

You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.

(Sighs)

So when I became Vulnerability TED,

like an action figure --

Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --

I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,

because I spent six years studying shame

before I started writing and talking about vulnerability.

And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,

no one wants to talk about it.

It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.

"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."

(Laughter)

And I see you.

(Laughter)

But in surviving this last year,

I was reminded of a cardinal rule --

not a research rule,

but a moral imperative from my upbringing --

"you've got to dance with the one who brung ya".

And I did not learn about vulnerability

and courage and creativity and innovation

from studying vulnerability.

I learned about these things from studying shame.

And so I want to walk you in to shame.

Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul.

And we're going to walk in.

And the purpose is not to walk in

and construct a home and live there.

It is to put on some galoshes --

and walk through and find our way around.

Here's why.

We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country,

and I think globally, around race, right?

Yes? We heard that.

Yes?

Cannot have that conversation without shame.

Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.

And when people start talking about privilege,

they get paralyzed by shame.

We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery,

which is, have a checklist.

You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,

because when they teach those folks how to suture,

they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth

to being all-powerful.

And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.

And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow

so I didn't mess it up here.

Myshkin Ingawale,

I hope I did right by you.

(Applause)

I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.

And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create

some technology to help test for anemia,

because people were dying unnecessarily.

And he said, "I saw this need.

So you know what I did? I made it."

And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"

And he said, "And it didn't work.

(Laughter)

And then I made it 32 more times,

and then it worked."

You know what the big secret about TED is?

I can't wait to tell people this.

I guess I'm doing it right now.

(Laughter)

This is like the failure conference.

(Laughter)

No, it is.

(Applause)

You know why this place is amazing?

Because very few people here are afraid to fail.

And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.

I've failed miserably, many times.

I don't think the world understands that,

because of shame.

There's a great quote that saved me this past year

by Theodore Roosevelt.

A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.

And it goes like this:

"It is not the critic who counts.

It is not the man who sits and points out

how the doer of deeds could have done things better

and how he falls and stumbles.

The credit goes to the man in the arena

whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat.

But when he's in the arena,

at best, he wins,

and at worst, he loses,

but when he fails, when he loses,

he does so daring greatly."

And that's what this conference, to me, is about.

Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena.

When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,

and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"

shame is the gremlin

who says, "Uh, uh.

You're not good enough.

You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.

I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,

he was in Sing Sing.

I know those things that happened to you growing up.

I know you don't think

that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough.

I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."

Shame is that thing.

And if we can quiet it down and walk in

and say, "I'm going to do this,"

we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing,

99 percent of the time is who?

Us.

Shame drives two big tapes --

"never good enough" --

and, if you can talk it out of that one,

"who do you think you are?"

The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.

Shame is "I am bad."

Guilt is "I did something bad."

How many of you,

if you did something that was hurtful to me,

would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"

How many of you would be willing to say that?

Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.

And here's what you need to know.

Shame is highly, highly correlated

with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,

bullying, suicide, eating disorders.

And here's what you even need to know more.

Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.

The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do

up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.

The other thing you need to know about shame

is it's absolutely organized by gender.

If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,

it's going to feel the same.

Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.

We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame

are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy.

Which means, yes, I have a little shame;

no, I'm a sociopath.

So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.

Shame feels the same for men and women,

but it's organized by gender.

For women,

the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial.

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses

and be at work at five to nine.

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan

and never let you forget you're a man."

For women, shame is, do it all,

do it perfectly

and never let them see you sweat.

I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,

but I guarantee you,

it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

(Laughter)

Shame, for women, is this web

of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations

about who we're supposed to be.

And it's a straight-jacket.

For men,

shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.

Shame is one,

do not be perceived as what?

Weak.

I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.

It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said,

"I love what say about shame,

I'm curious why you didn't mention men."

And I said, "I don't study men."

And he said, "That's convenient."

(Laughter)

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because you say to reach out,

tell our story,

be vulnerable.

But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"

I said, "Yeah."

"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse

than watch me fall down.

When we reach out and be vulnerable,

we get the shit beat out of us.

And don't tell me

it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads.

Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."

So I started interviewing men and asking questions.

And what I learned is this:

You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man

in real vulnerability and fear,

I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.

You show me a man who can sit with a woman

who's just had it,

she can't do it all anymore,

and his first response is not,

"I unloaded the dishwasher!"

(Laughter)

But he really listens --

because that's all we need --

I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.

Shame is an epidemic in our culture.

And to get out from underneath it --

to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand how it affects us

and how it affects the way we're parenting,

the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.

Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.

He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?

The top answers in this country:

nice, thin, modest

and use all available resources for appearance.

(Laughter)

When he asked about men,

what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms,

the answers were:

always show emotional control,

work is first,

pursue status and violence.

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

we have to understand and know empathy,

because empathy's the antidote to shame.

If you put shame in a Petri dish,

it needs three things to grow exponentially:

secrecy, silence and judgment.

If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,

it can't survive.

The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:

me too.

And so I'll leave you with this thought.

If we're going to find our way back to each other,

vulnerability is going to be that path.

And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,

because I think I did it my whole life,

and think to myself,

I'm going to go in there and kick some ass

when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.

And that is seductive.

But the truth is, that never happens.

And even if you got as perfect as you could

and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster

when you got in there,

that's not what we want to see.

We want you to go in.

We want to be with you and across from you.

And we just want,

for ourselves and the people we care about

and the people we work with,

to dare greatly.

So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.

(Applause)