How To Stop Judging Yourself
Summary
TLDRIn this episode, Leo from Actualised.org discusses the detrimental effects of judgments on personal life, emphasizing how judgments about others often apply to oneself as well. He illustrates this with examples like judging overweight individuals, attractive women, or the wealthy, showing how these judgments can lead to self-sabotage and create problems in various aspects of life. Leo provides an exercise to identify personal judgments and suggests mindfulness to recognize and overcome their negative impacts, ultimately promoting self-improvement and personal development.
Takeaways
- 🔍 The script emphasizes the insidious nature of judgments, explaining how they can negatively impact one's life without the individual's awareness.
- 🌟 The core message is that judgments made about others are simultaneously self-judgments, which can lead to self-sabotage and create difficulties in the future.
- 🏋️♂️ An example given is how judging overweight individuals can lead to guilt and shame when one's own fitness or health falters, illustrating the boomerang effect of judgments.
- 👫 The transcript discusses how societal and familial judgments can be internalized and perpetuated, affecting personal relationships and self-perception.
- 💰 It highlights the potential for judgments about wealth to hinder one's financial success, as the subconscious may sabotage wealth accumulation to avoid being perceived as 'rich and unscrupulous'.
- 🤸♀️ The speaker shares personal experiences and insights, including the realization that a people-pleasing personality stemmed from early judgments about inconsiderate behavior.
- 📝 A powerful exercise is introduced to help listeners identify their own judgments by listing every judgment they've ever made about others and themselves.
- ⏱️ The exercise is demonstrated by the speaker, who provides unfiltered examples of judgments in a stream of consciousness manner, aiming to reveal the depth and range of these judgments.
- 🔑 The importance of mindfulness in recognizing the frequency and impact of judgments is stressed, as it's a key step toward personal growth and transformation.
- 🛑 The transcript suggests that by stopping judgments of others, one can effectively stop self-judgment, leading to a more fulfilling and less conflicted life.
- 🌱 The final takeaway is an encouragement to engage in consistent personal development work, such as the exercises and practices suggested, to achieve significant life changes over time.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Leo's discussion in this episode?
-The main topic of Leo's discussion is about how to stop judging oneself and the impact of judgments on one's life.
What does Leo suggest is the problem with judgments?
-Leo suggests that judgments are poisoning your life because they often backfire on you without your awareness, affecting your self-perception and behavior.
How does Leo illustrate the concept that judgments about others apply to oneself?
-Leo uses various examples, such as judging fat people, attractive women, rich individuals, and newbies, to illustrate how making judgments about others can lead to self-judgment and create difficulties in one's own life.
What is the example Leo provides about judging fat people and how it can backfire?
-Leo explains that if you judge fat people and then find yourself gaining a little weight, you may start to feel guilty and neurotic, which can make your fitness routine about avoiding the judgment you've placed on others.
How does judging attractive women, according to Leo, potentially affect a woman's own sexual experiences?
-Leo suggests that if a woman judges other attractive women as 'skanks', she may feel guilty or repressed in her own sexual experiences, preventing her from enjoying sex fully due to the incongruence with her own self-image.
What is the potential issue with judging rich people, as mentioned by Leo?
-Judging rich people can create a problem if you become successful and wealthy yourself. The judgment you've internalized may make you feel guilty or conflicted, potentially sabotaging your own success.
What exercise does Leo recommend to help individuals recognize their own judgments and their impact?
-Leo recommends an exercise where individuals write out a comprehensive list of every judgment they've ever made about others and themselves, then identify which judgments have the potential to backfire on them.
Why is it important to include both positive and negative judgments in Leo's exercise?
-It's important to include both positive and negative judgments because both can create rigid rules that limit your behavior and potentially backfire, affecting your life in negative ways.
How does Leo demonstrate the exercise he recommends?
-Leo demonstrates the exercise by doing a stream of consciousness where he lists judgments he's made about others and himself without filtering, aiming to show the process and the types of judgments that might be overlooked.
What is the key takeaway from Leo's discussion on judgments?
-The key takeaway is that judgments you make about others often apply to yourself as well, creating a double-edged sword effect. To stop judging yourself, you must also stop judging others and become more mindful of your judgments.
Outlines
🚫 Overcoming Self-Judgment
Leo from Actualised.org introduces a discussion on the negative impact of self-judgment and how it's often a reflection of our judgments of others. He emphasizes that judgments can be harmful and suggests an exercise to help viewers recognize and stop this pattern. The example of judging overweight people and the potential repercussions on one's own self-perception and behavior, especially in situations like holidays or relationships, is used to illustrate the point.
👙 Judging Others' Appearance and Sexuality
This paragraph delves into how women often judge other attractive women, labeling them derogatorily, and the impact this can have on their own sexual experiences and self-image. Leo explains that being judgmental about others' sexual behavior can lead to feelings of guilt and repression in one's own sex life, affecting the quality and enjoyment of intimate relationships.
💰 The Consequences of Judging Wealth
Leo discusses the issue of judging wealthy individuals and the potential self-sabotage it can cause when one becomes successful themselves. He uses the example of someone who might judge rich people as 'douchebags' and how this judgment can create an internal conflict when they start to earn more money or consider starting a business, potentially leading to the sabotage of their own success.
🏋️♂️ Judging Newcomers and Personal Growth
The speaker talks about the tendency to ridicule newcomers, particularly in the context of a gym, and how this can boomerang back when one finds themselves in a similar situation, such as learning a new skill like golf. He explains that judgment can lead to self-consciousness and quitting new activities, thus limiting personal growth and opportunities.
🌟 The Pitfalls of Positive Judgments
Leo highlights that not all judgments are negative and that even positive judgments can be problematic. He uses the example of admiring a charismatic coworker and feeling inadequate in comparison, which can lead to a persistent sense of inadequacy in social interactions. He stresses that judgments create mental rules that can apply to oneself, causing emotional distress.
🤷♂️ The Hidden Costs of Judging Laziness
The paragraph explores the repercussions of labeling people as lazy, suggesting that this judgment can lead to overworking oneself to avoid being perceived as lazy. Leo illustrates how this can result in burnout, health issues, and strained personal relationships due to the pressure of living up to self-imposed standards.
💔 The Unintended Effects of Judging Unloving Behavior
Leo discusses the example of a woman who, having experienced an unloving mother, resolves to be a more loving mother herself. However, this judgment can lead to self-sacrifice and resentment, as she may neglect her own needs to avoid being like her mother. This can ultimately harm her children, her spouse, and her own well-being.
🔗 The Connection Between Judgments and Personal Limitations
The speaker explains how judgments create rigid rules that limit one's ability to adapt and be spontaneous in life. He suggests that these judgments can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and dissatisfaction, and can cause self-sabotage in various areas of life. Leo shares a personal insight about how his judgment of his father influenced his own behavior as a people pleaser.
✍️ The Exercise to Uncover Hidden Judgments
Leo introduces an exercise designed to help viewers identify their judgments about others and themselves. He instructs them to write down every judgment without filtering, aiming to recognize patterns that may be causing issues in their lives. He demonstrates the exercise by listing various judgments he has made, both positive and negative.
🔍 Becoming Mindful of Judgmental Behavior
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of mindfulness in recognizing how often judgments are made and their self-destructive nature. Leo advises viewers to be aware of their judgments, especially in jest with friends, and to notice how these judgments can limit their life experiences and personal growth.
🌐 Resources for Personal Development
Leo invites viewers to visit his website, Actualized.org, for additional resources such as mp3 versions of videos, a free newsletter, courses, and book recommendations. He encourages consistent engagement with personal development materials to stay on track and transform one's life over time.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Judgment
💡Self-Sabotage
💡Mindfulness
💡Self-Actualization
💡Backfire
💡Exercise
💡Stream of Consciousness
💡Neurotic Patterns
💡Self-Image
💡Consistency
Highlights
Leo discusses the negative impact of judgments on personal life and how they can poison one's existence.
Judgments about others often apply to oneself, leading to self-judgment and potential future difficulties.
The exercise of listing judgments made about others and oneself is introduced as a powerful tool for self-reflection.
Judging overweight individuals can lead to feelings of guilt and shame if one's own weight increases.
The example of judging attractive women and the potential negative effects on one's sex life is presented.
Judgment of rich people can create a conflict within oneself when becoming wealthy or considering business opportunities.
Making fun of newbies at the gym can lead to self-consciousness when attempting new activities as a beginner.
Positive judgments, such as perceiving someone as charismatic, can also lead to feelings of inadequacy.
Judgment of panhandlers can backfire when one is accused of laziness, leading to overwork and potential burnout.
The 'unloving mother' example illustrates how early judgments can lead to self-sacrifice and family problems.
Judgments create rigid rules that limit one's flexibility and ability to adapt to life's circumstances.
Leo shares a personal insight about being a people pleaser due to judgments made about his father's inconsiderateness.
The exercise of listing judgments is demonstrated by Leo, emphasizing the importance of including both positive and negative judgments.
Being mindful of judgments made about others is crucial as they often reflect back onto oneself.
The importance of recognizing and addressing judgments that have the potential to backfire on oneself is discussed.
Leo concludes by emphasizing the transformative power of consistent personal development work over time.
Transcripts
hey this is Leo for actualised org and
in this episode I'm going to talk about
how to stop judging yourself and I'm
going to show you a powerful exercise to
help you do exactly this I feel a bit of
a cold coming on so bear with me as I
try to push through it anyways on to the
main topic judgments judgments judgments
judgments the problem with judgments is
that judgments are poisoning your life
and as usual which should now be
becoming an apparent theme through all
the actualized auteur content is that
you're usually not aware of how this
mechanism works you're not aware of how
judgments backfire on you how when you
judge others in a sense you're also
judging yourself at the same time and in
fact that's the profound insight that I
want to hammer home at you today is just
this one simple idea that judgments that
you make about others always apply to
you and it doesn't seem this way at
first so what I want to do is I want to
illustrate this point with assortment of
examples common examples that I think
that a lot of us have run into but the
idea is very simple every time you make
a judgment about somebody else their
physical appearance or their behavior or
their belief systems or anything else
you're basically also judging yourself
at the same time and you're making life
for you very difficult in the future so
how does this work well let's take
example number one which is judging fat
people maybe you're one of these people
that actually values his or her health
and so you go to the gym and you work
out and eat healthy okay but then you
judge fat people as they're walking down
the street maybe you see a really obese
person you're like oh man that's just a
fat slob right there and made
even sometimes you and your friends kind
of laugh at this fat person because you
are all into fitness stuff and you're
all into eating healthy and go to the
gym and working out real hard okay fair
enough but here's the problem with this
you might wonder well Leo how does this
backfire on me
I mean I'm fit I have a good well toned
body and I take care of my health so
it's not backfiring on me right
I mean I'm vigilant about my health
except it does backfire on you let's
just take one example let's say you go
to your parents over the holidays and
you go to visit them for Thanksgiving
and Christmas and it's a big feast and
everyone's eating over there and stuff
like that right turkey mashed potatoes
everything the whole works so what
happens well you start to indulge that a
little bit you fall off your healthy
diet for a while and you start to put on
maybe an inch or two around your waist
all of a sudden your belts get a little
tight you have to loosen up the notch by
one okay but what happens it's not just
that that happens the problem with that
is that you now start to feel guilty to
feel bad why do you feel bad you feel a
little bit of shameful why because
you've been judging fat people for years
and now of course you're not fat but
even as you begin to even just creep
towards fatness you just put on an extra
inch or two of fat all the sudden you
get neurotic about it
you shouldn't going crazy about it it
drives you nuts right now all the sudden
it's like okay I gotta get back into the
gym hit it really hard
got a brow beat myself got a flagellate
myself to stay healthy and fit and so
your whole fitness routine then becomes
this kind of like avoidance and escape
of coming under the under the effect of
your own past judgments around fat
people which is the terrible source of
motivation for going to the gym so
that's one example right one example and
that's just one facet of how this could
manifest some time in the future let's
say you get a girlfriend and now your
girlfriend she starts to put on a few
pounds this is years later but see you
can't help the fact that you've been
judging fat people so now she's putting
on weight
you start to see her as fat now all the
sudden starts to bother you such to
worry you you want to tell her but you
don't want to offend her what do you do
creates a whole problem for you right
maybe you break up with her because of
that
maybe creates a huge argument for you
guys and it's just like a a simple
little thing I'm not saying that she
just you know turned into a way and all
of a sudden I'm saying she just put on a
few pounds but it still bothers you and
you don't know how to deal with it
effectively so that's example number one
here's another example that I want to
cite in this one's for the ladies ladies
love to do this what ladies love to do
is they love to judge other hot ladies
so if your lady no I'm talking about you
have a friend or a friend of a friend or
some girl that you've seen that's really
hot and what you do or you know if you
see your guy looking at a hot girl in
your mind what you do is you call that
hot girl you call her a hot [ __ ] she's
not just a girl she's not a lady she's a
[ __ ] she's a [ __ ] she's a little skank
right because she's that model looking
type she's probably a skank your thing
in yourself so this is how you judge
these types of women and maybe you've
been judging these types of women ever
since your mother was judging these
types of women when you were just a
teenager still back in middle school or
in high school and she told you don't be
a [ __ ] like those girls on the magazines
or those girls in the movies and so of
course now you judge the way your mother
judged and so the problem with this
though you might say well leo I'm not a
[ __ ] so what's the problem here's the
problem is that let's say now you find
yourself a new boyfriend and you're
you're in love with him and everything
is going great and now you're in the
bedroom with them right and you're gonna
have sex but now you're feeling guilty
and conflicted and repressed in the
bedroom
you can't orgasm properly you can't have
multiple orgasms why not well because
and then it's just one factor but one
factor could be that the reason you
can't is because you've been so
judgmental about other people having sex
that when it comes to you having sex now
you feel in congruence
if you fully let yourself go so of
course you do still have sex but the
kind of sex you have is is kind of like
lame mechanical sex not the really good
kind of sex and maybe you don't orgasm
or if you orgasm you have a weak single
orgasm you don't multiple orgasm you
don't have wild crazy orgasms like you
could and you're in conflict with
yourself you feel guilty you're not able
to kind of like let yourself go the way
you should the way you want to why
because you've been judging other people
your whole life for doing that and now
your self-image because your self-image
needs to maintain integrity it needs to
apply the same rules that you used on
others to yourself and now is when it
comes back to bite you in the ass
another example have you ever rushed
have you ever judged rich people like
you see somebody driving a Mercedes or a
Ferrari or something down the street or
sitting there in a restaurant fancy
restaurant with the Rolex as you're
walking by on the street corner and you
think yourself ah man that's such a rich
douchebag look at that rich douchebag
sitting there eating his rich lunch with
his rich girlfriend and his rich car and
his rich Rolex watch and all this stupid
stuff he I bet you he's a some Wall
Street broker type of guy who swindled
some old grand lady out of her
retirement savings and now he's sitting
there and he's wining and dining his
girlfriend on that money so you come up
with that kind of story right and you do
that over and over over again maybe you
grew up in kind of a middle-class family
where your parents made these kind of
judgments about rich people and they
told you the hey rich people don't care
about middle-class people they don't
care about poor people they step on
people they use us and of course that
that kind of judgmental attitude was
also reinforced by your friends who are
also probably lower middle class and so
now you're an adult and here's where it
backfires on you now maybe you're
thinking about starting your own
business or maybe you already have a
business and now your business starts
doing goods or to earn a lot of money
but of course now there's this in
congruence within you because you're
starting to become rich just like those
people
but your mind didn't make the space for
a nice rich person it automatically
classified all rich people as douchebags
and so now you're falling under your own
judgment and it might go to the point
where now you you actually sabotage your
own business or maybe if you consider
going to business then you let go of
that dream you say yeah you know what if
I went into business I would just be one
of those rich douchebags so even if I
succeeded I would basically be a failure
and my parents wouldn't really respect
me because I'd just be like one of those
rich douchebags
here's the thing you gotta understand
about this is that this happens all very
subconsciously you're not aware this is
happening it's not clear to you in your
mind that when you sabotage your own
business or you sabotage your own
relationship or your sabotage your own
gym routine or something like this that
this is coming from a judgment that you
made five ten twenty years earlier that
connection isn't made clear so you know
you got to do the dot connect and got to
connect all the dots that start to see
this stuff it's very subtle it can be
let me give you another example how
about the judging newbies I love this
example maybe you're at the gym with
your friends and you guys have been
going to the gym for the last ten years
and you're all experts you've studied
all the fitness routines you know
exactly which exercises to do and all
the right fitness moves and stuff right
but then after the new year's crowd
comes in every January these are all you
know fresh greenhorns who've never been
to the gym before and of course what do
you do if you're a regular gym goer
you're laughing and snickering and
you're ridiculing with your buddies all
the newbies that come through the door
and get on the treadmill or they start
doing some stupid exercise routine that
you think is ridiculous
that is completely against all the you
know all the rules and all the norms and
they don't know which weights to use or
how to use them properly so as they're
doing that you and your guys your
buddies are watching you're watching
this newbie doing this thing is newbie
thing and you're watching him kind of
like fail and self-destruct but you're
laughing and ridicule
but actually what you're doing as you're
laughing in ridiculing is you're judging
him now how does this come back to bite
you in the ass well let's say you want
to go learn some new hobby like you want
to take up golf and you you're totally
new to golf so now you're going to go
golfing and swing at the driving range
so you go there you think I'm going to
be all cool you pull out your club and
you swing and guess what you make a fool
of yourself because you miss you can't
even hit the ball on your first swing
and you suddenly feel very very stupid
and you feel very very self-conscious
because you're standing there and you're
feeling like all the expert golfers all
the pros are standing around you and
they're watching you and they're
laughing at you now maybe they aren't or
maybe they are but the fact is that
you're very self conscious about it and
in fact what might happen is that you go
for a week to the driving range and each
time you're so frustrated with how poor
you're doing and you feel like you're a
total noob and that you look ridiculous
that a week later you just quit the
whole thing you say you know what that
golf thing is just so stupid it's for
rich people anyways screw that golf
stuff I'm just going to go back to the
gym and stick to what I know how to do
best and so in this way you deny
yourself some new opportunity in life
and you know golf business relationship
does matter what it is right this new be
judging is a it's a really good example
you see it all over the internet too you
see people doing this because you know
it's really easy to judge newbies really
easy to to criticize them laugh at them
at their expense
but then inevitably comes back to bite
you now those are some examples of like
negative judgments I want to give you an
example of positive judgment because not
all judgments are seemingly negative you
might wonder well leo is it okay to make
positive judgments it's still a problem
here's why let's say you have a guy at
the office who you perceive as being
really charismatic and charming and just
flirtatious and he's funny and he's got
a great sense of humor really outgoing
and extroverted and so you you see this
guy you're really you know attracted by
his personality like oh man this guy's
amazing you're amazing
and now you start to feel like you're
inadequate because you judged him is
being up here and you judge yourself as
being down here maybe you're a little
bit more shy reserved more introverted
and you want to feel like you're more
extroverted and more charming and you
don't know like you you don't know how
to develop that sense of humor that he
has it seems so effortless for him and
so now what happens is that you're five
years later after you've made this
judgment of him being such a charming
great person is you're still interacting
with other people in your office or in a
different company now or wherever and
you're still feeling inadequate because
you're comparing yourself to him the
judgment you created back to them is
still being applied to you now in a
sense judging is like creating a law or
a rule which then your mind stores and
then that law or rule of course gets
applied to all future situations because
your mind tries to stay consistent tries
to maintain integrity with itself so if
you judge a fat person here then if you
ever become fat you're going to be
judging yourself if you judge a [ __ ]
person over there if you ever do
anything [ __ ] you're gonna be judging
yourself if you judge rich people
anytime you make a little extra money
you're gonna be judging yourself you're
going to feel guilt you're going to feel
shame you're going to feel inadequacy or
some other kind of like low
consciousness nasty type of emotion um
another good example that I like is
those panhandlers on the street you ever
see some of those bums those dirty bums
on the street it's really easy to judge
those guys right so they're standing on
the street begging you for a quarter and
of course you know sometimes you give
them a quarter but sometimes you don't
and in fact you say something like man
look at this guy why doesn't he just
like clean himself up and go get a job
at McDonald's at least he could earn
more money than just standing here like
a pathetic slob
I bet this guy's lazy he's such a lazy
bum and then every time you see a bum
you call him lazy now five years later
it backfires
you how does it backfire you because
let's say you're working on some project
in your business and maybe your partner
tells you hey man you've been slacking
you're lazy and all of a sudden now you
start to get kind of frantic and
neurotic and even though you're working
50 or 60 hours a week just because your
business partner called you lazy you
didn't take it as a joke you actually
took it seriously and now you're like
well [ __ ] I should work even harder he's
right I should work 80 hours a week and
so what you do is you kill yourself for
the next three years working 80 hours a
week burn yourself out make yourself
sick deny yourself the other pleasures
of life estranged yourself from your
family and maybe your relationship goes
bad maybe your marriage gets a divorce
and and all of that simply because you
were reacting against your judgment of
not wanting to be lazy because you call
those people lazy and of course that's a
rule that you created in your mind which
said lazy is bad which of course means
at any time I get even close to lazy or
I even inch my way towards lazy I'm all
the sudden bad creates a lot of problems
and the last example I want to give you
is the the unloving mother example which
is a really great one that I love let's
say that in this example you're the
woman and you were a girl and you grew
up with a mother that didn't give you a
lot of affection criticize you all the
time wasn't loving enough and this
really hurt you and had a really kind of
like troublesome teenage years and
because you feel like you weren't
getting enough love so you judge that is
bad and then you told yourself you know
what when I have kids I'm going to be
the most loving mother ever because my
mother was a selfish [ __ ] and I'm not
going to be that way with my kids and
that seems like a very positive rule to
make in your mind right be be more
loving be more selfless how great is
that what could possibly go wrong
well except twenty years later when you
do have your own kids what happens well
now you need to play that role of the
selfless mother
and so now you sacrifice yourself for
your kids your kids walk all over you
you do everything for your kids you
don't take any time for yourself you
don't take care of your health you don't
take care of your psychological needs so
you grow fat and you go psychologically
neurotic slowly over the years as you're
sacrificing yourself to your kids and
your kids become more and more
ungrateful little brats and then the
same thing now happens with your husband
as well and your whole family situation
just goes to hell and maybe eventually
you get a divorce and you grow sick with
cancer why does all this happen well I'm
not saying this is the only cause but
one possible cause for why something
like this would happen is because you
set down this law very early in your
childhood that told you I will never be
selfish like my mother I will never be
unloving like her even though you know
what sometimes it's okay to be selfish
sometimes you need that sometimes you
need to take a vacation
sometimes you need to do something for
yourself at the expense of your kids and
that can be normal and healthy but you
don't allow yourself to do that because
you've just been so harsh and judgmental
on your mother about that and for you
now to go back on your old promises and
your old laws and rules well that means
you have to change how your whole mind
works and notice that in this example
you would not be aware of how all this
stuff is happening you'd be having
problems in your family and with your
kids but you wouldn't know why it's
happening you would never connect the
dots all the way back to some innocent
seeming little judgment that you made 20
years ago so just notice how subtle it
can be those are just some examples it's
just the tip of the iceberg I just
wanted to use these examples to kind of
get your mind jogging and to start to
connect the dots in your own life for
you these examples might be totally
different than what I talked about here
yet kind of creative sort of thinking
how is this working in my life
fundamentally the problem here in all
these examples is that your disowning a
part of reality you're creating
rigid rules by which now you have to
live and whenever you break one of these
rules and these rules by the way they're
very arbitrary totally arbitrary that
now you feel like well [ __ ] I can't
break these we'll have to live by all
these have to jump through all these
hoops I have to be the perfect person I
just a consistent with all my past
judgments I can't admit that I was wrong
and so because of this you block off a
lot of avenues within reality now you
can't take a vacation now you can't be a
little bit lazy now you can't be rich
now you can't be a newbie at something
now you can't be sexual now you can't
gain a little bit of weight and so on
and so on and so on and what this does
is it makes you inflexible in life
you're not able to flow with the
circumstances of life you're not able to
be spontaneous in life and this creates
problems for you creates guilt creates
shame and largely you don't know this is
going on it's just going on to you it
feels like man my life feels miserable
why do I feel guilty all the time why do
I feel shameful all the time why do I
feel unsatisfied all the time why do I
feel like I can't do anything right all
the time why do I keep self sabotaging
every relationship every new business
every new hobby that I start just
doesn't seem to work for me well maybe
it's because you made some judgments
that are holding you back
and that just backfired on you again and
again and again here's one of my
personal biggest insights that I've had
this year from doing a lot of
enlightenment work and consciousness
work in workshops one of the biggest
insights I had was this was that the
reason that I've been a people pleaser
for most of my life until recently is
because and I trace this back into my
past is I recognize that oh I used to
judge my dad for being inconsiderate
towards other people what I perceive it
and consider it and I kind of thought of
him as a jerk and I said to myself you
know what when I grow up I don't want to
be that kind of man I don't want to be
the church I don't want to be the
inconsiderate
I want to be the kind the nice one and
so that sealed my fate now whenever I
interacted with people for decades after
making that judgment I would always try
to be the nice one because I would
subconsciously be running away from that
negative ideal that my dad said and I
didn't just judge my dad as being
inconsiderate so judge other people's
being inconsiderate so it was a
combination of various judgments but
basically that created this kind of a
people-pleasing personality profile for
me and it just kind of fired and fired
and fired I didn't know why it was
happening only years later after lots
and lots and lots of consciousness work
that I finally stumble upon by accident
this discovery that all of course I made
that judgment when I was really young
and it's hung around with me and stuck
around for four decades and I've been
paying the price and I didn't know what
was going on there because you know what
sometimes in life you got to be
inconsiderate you might wonder like well
Lee oh yeah of course you don't want to
be inconsiderate what's wrong with that
law what's wrong with that judgment but
the fact is that sometimes you are
inconsiderate in life sometimes you do
have to be a dick sometimes you can't
help it especially like in business or
in some kind of negotiation situation or
in a relationship where you have to
break off the relationship when you know
it's good for both of you to break it
off but you don't because you're just so
used to being a people pleaser and you
don't want to disappoint somebody or be
perceived as a jerk right you need that
flexibility and I deny that to myself so
that created some problems for me all
right so how do we get you to recognize
this kind of stuff for yourself
these kind of deep insights well I got a
great exercise for you which is actually
the exercise that I use to discover this
insight for myself so here it is you're
going to take out a couple sheets of
paper and a pen do that right now you're
going to do two things with this paper
and pen firstly you're going to write
out every single judgment that you've
ever made about other people you're
going to make a giant long list
it might be a hundred or 300 items on
this list second thing you're going to
do is you're going to write out every
judgment you ever made about yourself
and again this will be another list
separate list with another hundred to
three hundred different items there
could be a lot and the key as you're
doing this is that you want to do a kind
of a stream of consciousness where you
get in the flow and you just let pour
out of you might take you 30 minutes to
sit there and just let this list pour
out without any filtering so the most
evil vile harshest judgments you've ever
made write all those down it's very
important also make sure that you
include the positive judgments - not
just the negative ones so if you judge
somebody a dick you put that one on
there and if you judge someone a
princess you put that one on there and
then after you're done with both these
lists then what you can do is going to
put a star or a checkmark next to those
judgments on the list that you feel have
a strong potential to backfire on you or
to create neurotic patterns in your life
how do you know which ones to select
well they'll kind of just jump out at
you for example when I came up with the
judgment he's an inconsiderate dick it's
like oh yeah I know that I always behave
in a way where I try to minimize my own
inconsiderateness and if I ever think of
myself as inconsiderate and I really
feel bad and shameful oh that's an
important one all right so that's how
you can find out now what I want to do
is I want to actually demonstrate for
you how this exercise works because it's
a little shocking when you hear it and
you see a done in person so what I'm
going to do is I've got my timer here
and I have it set for five minutes I'm
going to set this timer and I'm going to
give you the first list which is all the
judgments that I've ever made about
other people and you're going to hear me
go into a stream of consciousness and
I'm just going to not filter myself at
all and just talk for five minutes
straight and say whatever comes up to my
mind for these judgments alright let's
begin I got five minutes on the clock go
alright
so every judgment that I've ever made
about other people [ __ ]
prick inconsiderate ungrateful thief
cheat ugly smelly disgusting foolish
beautiful attractive hot sexy handsome
cute adorable fat pig [ __ ]
hippie hipster douche bag
scumbag bastard [ __ ] deceitful criminal
neglectful cold violent uncaring
ignorant stupid low consciousness
neurotic dysfunctional crazy insane
weird odd not normal normal cool uncool
hip
rich poor lazy careless ignorant
dogmatic closed-minded religious
ideological rationalist myopic arrogant
egotistical selfish narcissistic
selfless caring kind loving humble
brilliant creative genius strong weak
skinny ugly teeth ugly face ugly nose
camel nose [ __ ] [ __ ] skank
player womanizer immature
juvenile ridiculous embarrassing
greedy corrupt shameful evil bad human
being disgusting human being I would
never [ __ ] that
humorous charming confident insecure
needy codependent nerd geek dweeb pale
pasty scrawny masculine feminine girly
manly hairy okay so that was my first
list now I'm going to do the second list
which is all the judgments that I've
ever made about myself again completely
unfiltered whatever comes to mind five
minutes on the clock go right every
judgment I've ever made about myself
mmm arrogant egotistical humble reserved
introverted extroverted tall skinny
lanky effeminate masculine assertive
lacking assertiveness indecisive smart
intelligent wise wise beyond my years
creative artistic brilliant inadequate
less than others shy lacking confidence
lacking assertiveness people pleaser
pushover ball
old ugly funny teeth
bucktooth big nose small dick fat skinny
handsome nice eyes
effeminate not manly enough not
masculine enough grounded secure also
insecure ambitious hardworking
disciplined lazy successful upper
middle-class cheat thief liar honest
truthful coward
good student kind caring player jerk
[ __ ]
mean and consider it manipulative
scheming plotting disloyal inauthentic
also authentic small jaw wannabe
humorous bad sense of humor awkward
weird above-average superior better than
other people right
good bad
just workaholic non-drinker smug
condescending intellectual nerdy
different exceptional
hard-working neurotic hypocritical
complex deep racist womanizer
alright that was my second list
so hopefully that opened your eyes to
the possibilities here I want you to
create the same exact kind of list
except your list is not going to be
limited to five minutes but it's going
to be much longer
get everything out of your system all
right get it all out of your system no
filters this is not the time to be nice
or polite or politically correct so
that's your exercise that's your
assignment now to just recap this topic
we started off asking the question how
do you stop judging yourself well one
way that you stop judging yourself is
basically this is the answer in a
nutshell is that you stop judging other
people
you cannot stop judging yourself if you
continue to judge other people hopefully
you can now see the dynamic where this
is a double-edged sword it cuts both
ways
it cuts forward and it cuts backwards so
be very careful and you might wonder
well how do I stop judging other people
leo and here's my answer to that first
of all be mindful of how you judge other
people judgments are usually much more
subtle than we think it's usually not as
black and white as oh she's fat or oh
he's an [ __ ] I mean those are very
obvious also be very mindful of the
jokes you make with your friends with
your circle of friends how you like to
make jokes about others at the expense
of others and in that case you're
judging them be very careful about that
just be more mindful of how often you do
judge people you do it a lot more often
than you think
and this takes a period of increased
aware and start to see this also be more
mindful of how you're done your
judgments are damaging you so you can
see how they're damaging other people
but then see the second side of the
blade pointing back at you right when
you slice with it so this is what we
mean by double edged sword so notice for
example that when you judge fat people
that makes you insecure about your own
weight notice that when you judge rich
people that creates a problem for you
with money notice that when you judge
money people that creates a problem for
you in the bedroom with sexuality notice
these things right notice the actual
limits kind of the cage that you
construct around yourself notice that
again that takes a period of mindfulness
takes a while to see that and you know
to jumpstart you and to help you to do
that right now do the exercise create
both of these lists
sit down really think about it after you
do the exercise which you'll notice for
the next week or so you'll be walking
around town with your friends and all
this kind of stuff you're going to be
more mindful automatically to the
different judgments you make and then
you can go deeper with it and you can
take a look at those judgments that you
put a star next to the ones that already
you know are backfiring on you and you
can work on those even deeper and I
don't really have time to go into that
I'll probably cover that in some other
episode but that's it for now so
practice the mindfulness see what's
really going on how you're using these
judgments against yourself and do this
exercise alright that's it I'm signing
off please click the like button for me
help support actualize that work by
leaving your feedback there also post
your comments down below I do like to
read them share the video with a friend
if you would and lastly come check out
actualizado this my website I have cool
stuff on there you can download mp3
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free newsletter keeps you on track with
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committed to adding more resources more
resources there over time to help you to
really get a handle on your
self-actualization and the most
important thing is that you stay tuned
right sign up to the newsletter it's a
free newsletter the way it's going to
work is that you're going to get excited
about this stuff you're going to do it
for a little while for a couple of
months then you're going to fall off
track you're going to forget and then a
year later when you're in a funk or
you're getting crappy results in your
relationship or you're depressed or
you're miserable or you have a money
problem or something you know what if
you're signed up to the newsletter
you're getting email from me and it's
maybe like oh this new video could help
me and then you watch on you video and
it gets you out of your funk and puts
you back on track reminds you that you
should be doing this work on a weekly
basis the reason you should
doing this work on a weekly basis doing
all these exercise that I tell you to do
taking the action steps I tell you to do
learning the theory that I share with
you is because it will transform your
whole life and it doesn't take that long
just a couple of years of doing this
consistently you're going to see huge
huge results and that's just the start
of the kind of results you could see if
you do this for five 10 20 years man
your whole life is going to take on a
whole new trajectory if you do so it's a
powerful thing it's a real power try it
out some of the ideas that I share with
you are ideas that cost me thousands of
dollars and hundreds of hours of my own
time researching and picking up from the
smartest people that I know and from
some of the you know world-class experts
that I go to for my information I spend
hundreds of hours every week studying
all this stuff and trying to deliver it
to you and a easy to understand way so
it's really worth your time I think to
stay onboard anyhow if you're on board
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you
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