The two relationships: marriage does not get you love

Summary

In this talk, Dr. Orion Terban discusses the concept of two distinct levels in every relationship: the 'level of the label' (the structure and rules of the relationship) and the 'level of the bond' (the emotional connection between individuals). He emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the emotional connection over the structure, as love, loyalty, and dedication are driven by emotions, not labels. While the label offers stability, the bond is what truly motivates actions and sacrifices. Dr. Terban explores how focusing too much on structure can lead to disconnection, while nurturing the emotional bond leads to deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 Every relationship exists on two levels: the 'label' and the 'bond'. The label is the explicit structure, while the bond refers to the deeper, emotional connection.
• 😀 The level of the label is more about rules, contracts, roles, and expectations, and is a reflection of the consciously agreed-upon structure of the relationship.
• 😀 The level of the bond is the emotional, unspoken connection between people, which can fluctuate and is often less stable than the structure of the relationship.
• 😀 Many people confuse the label with the bond and assume that having the structure of a relationship automatically entitles them to the emotional benefits, which is not true.
• 😀 It's more common for the emotional bond and the structural label to be out of balance, leading to dissatisfaction in relationships.
• 😀 Prioritizing the emotional bond over the label is often the better approach, as love and loyalty are driven by feelings rather than by contractual obligations.
• 😀 Love, loyalty, and dedication are non-transferable and cannot be forced through boundaries or restrictions. They arise naturally from emotional connection, not from the label.
• 😀 The danger of relying too heavily on the label is that it can turn a relationship into a 'joyless discharge of duty', which might feel like a prison rather than a partnership.
• 😀 In real-world relationships, people often rely on the structure of the relationship because it's easier to maintain, but this can stifle the emotional connection.
• 😀 To maintain a healthy relationship, it's essential to nurture the emotional bond, which will naturally lead to better loyalty and devotion, without needing to enforce strict boundaries.
• 😀 If the emotional bond is prioritized, the label often takes care of itself, as people will naturally want to act in ways that support and nurture the connection they feel with their partner.

Q & A

What are the two levels in every relationship that Dr. Terban refers to?

The two levels in every relationship are the 'level of the label' and the 'level of the bond.' The label refers to the explicit, negotiated structure of a relationship (such as being married or in a relationship), while the bond refers to the deeper, emotional connection between individuals.

How does Dr. Terban describe the 'level of the label'?

The 'level of the label' refers to the outward, structured aspect of a relationship, where roles, boundaries, and expectations are explicitly defined. This level is more about negotiated agreements and self-interest, rather than emotional connection.

What is the importance of the 'level of the bond' in relationships?

The 'level of the bond' is crucial because it represents the emotional connection between individuals. Unlike the label, which is structured and static, the bond is dynamic and influences behavior and actions, such as loyalty, love, and sacrifice.

Can a person be in a relationship at the 'level of the label' without feeling an emotional bond?

Yes, it is possible. Dr. Terban points out that many people are married or in relationships with a label but do not feel a strong emotional connection to their partner, which is why it’s important not to confuse the label with the actual bond.

Why do people often prioritize the 'level of the label' over the 'level of the bond'?

People often prioritize the 'level of the label' because it is more stable and less emotionally demanding. The structure of a relationship (like marriage or a formal agreement) provides a sense of security and can be easier to maintain compared to the unpredictable and fluctuating emotional bond.

What problems arise when people confuse the 'level of the label' with the 'level of the bond'?

When people confuse the label with the bond, they may feel entitled to emotional benefits (like love or loyalty) based solely on the relationship's formal structure. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and relationship breakdowns when the emotional connection is not reciprocated or nurtured.

What does Dr. Terban suggest as the ideal way to manage relationships?

Dr. Terban suggests that the ideal approach is to prioritize the emotional connection or 'level of the bond' over the label. If the emotional connection is strong, the structure of the relationship (the label) often naturally follows, ensuring a more authentic and fulfilling relationship.

What is the potential consequence of focusing too much on the structure of a relationship?

Focusing too much on the structure can lead to a joyless, transactional relationship, where emotional fulfillment is neglected. This may result in feelings of entrapment, as the relationship becomes more about obligations than genuine connection.

How does the concept of 'the bond' explain behaviors like loyalty or sacrifice in relationships?

The bond explains behaviors like loyalty or sacrifice because these actions are driven by deep emotional attachment. People will go to great lengths for those they love, regardless of formal agreements or labels. The emotional bond motivates actions that are not contingent on the relationship's structure.

Why does Dr. Terban advise against viewing the label as a guarantee of emotional connection?

Dr. Terban advises against viewing the label as a guarantee of emotional connection because the structure of the relationship (like being married) does not inherently ensure love, loyalty, or emotional attachment. These are independent of the label and must be nurtured through ongoing emotional effort.