Sexless marriage: a breach of contract

PsycHacks

30 Sept 202409:49

Summary

TLDRIn this talk, Dr. Orion terban addresses the issue of sexless marriages, suggesting that a unilateral decision to stop having sex in a monogamous relationship is akin to cheating. He argues that such a decision breaches the agreement of exclusivity, effectively ending the monogamous aspect of the relationship. Dr. terban encourages considering this perspective and explores the implications for the relationship's other dimensions, advocating for patience and communication but also recognizing the limits of sexual abstinence in a committed partnership.

Takeaways

🚫 **Sexless Marriage as Cheating**: Dr. Orion terban posits that categorically refusing sex in a monogamous relationship is a form of cheating.
😔 **Emotional Impact**: The experience of sexual rejection within marriage can be hurtful, infuriating, and demoralizing for men.
👥 **Mutual Consent**: Sex in a marriage should be consensual and cannot be forced by one party if the other is unwilling.
🔄 **Potential for Change**: It's possible to rekindle the sexual aspect of a relationship, but it requires time, effort, and no guarantee of success.
🤔 **Self-Improvement**: Men in sexless marriages might need to become more attractive, seductive, or emotionally provocative to improve their situation.
📜 **Breaking the Agreement**: Refusing sex can be seen as breaking the monogamous agreement, similar to having an affair.
🔄 **Two-Way Cheating**: Cheating isn't just about taking more; it can also be about receiving less than what was agreed upon in a relationship.
🏠 **Beyond Sex**: A marriage encompasses more than just sex; it includes children, resources, services, lifestyle, history, and emotions.
📝 **Severability Clause**: Just as in contracts, a violation of one term (like sexlessness) doesn't invalidate the entire relationship agreement.
🌱 **Patience and Grace**: Long-term relationships may experience fluctuating sexual interest, and it's important to be patient and understanding.
🚨 **Final Straw**: If all efforts to resolve a sexless marriage fail, it may indicate that the monogamous agreement is no longer valid.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban in the transcript?
-The main topic discussed is sexless marriage and the concept of unilaterally refusing to have sex within an exclusive monogamous relationship being considered a form of cheating.
How does Dr. Orion terban define cheating within the context of a monogamous relationship?
-Dr. Orion terban defines cheating as any intentional violation of the rules of a monogamous relationship, which includes having more than one lover or deciding unilaterally to have no lover at all.
What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is a possible solution for bringing sex back into a dead bedroom?
-Dr. Orion terban suggests that it's possible to bring sex back into a dead bedroom but it requires time, effort, and there's no guarantee that anything will work.
What does Dr. Orion terban mean when he says that men in sexless marriages are no longer in a monogamous relationship?
-Dr. Orion terban means that if a partner in a monogamous relationship decides unilaterally to stop having sex, they are breaching the agreement of exclusivity, thus no longer being in a monogamous relationship.
What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the consequence of a partner deciding to have no sex in a monogamous relationship?
-Dr. Orion terban suggests that the consequence is that the partner is no longer in a monogamous relationship and should not be held accountable for acting non-monogamously.
What does Dr. Orion terban propose as an analogy to explain the concept of cheating in monogamous relationships?
-Dr. Orion terban uses the analogy of a contract where if one party violates a part of the agreement, the rest of the agreement still stands, but the violated clause is no longer in force.
What does Dr. Orion terban argue about the societal reaction to men who have sex with more than one person versus those who have sex with zero people?
-Dr. Orion terban argues that society often severely punishes men for having sex with more than one person but does not hold the same standard for those who have sex with zero people, despite both being a breach of the monogamous agreement.
What advice does Dr. Orion terban give to men who have been in sexless marriages for years?
-Dr. Orion terban advises that these men are no longer in a monogamous relationship and should consider the monogamy clause as severed from the rest of the relationship agreement.
What is the title of Dr. Orion terban's book, and what does it cover?
-The title of Dr. Orion terban's book is 'The Value of Others'. It covers his economic model of relationships, explains the behavior of men and women in mating and dating, and provides actionable advice on the sexual marketplace.
How does Dr. Orion terban suggest treating sexlessness as a form of cheating might affect its prevalence?
-Dr. Orion terban suggests that treating sexlessness as a form of cheating might help reduce its prevalence by providing a natural consequence for the condition, which is currently not widely recognized.
What does Dr. Orion terban recommend for those who have tried various approaches to resolve a sexless marriage without success?
-Dr. Orion terban recommends that if all attempts have been made and the partner still isn't interested in sex, it may be time to consider that the monogamy clause has been severed from the relationship agreement.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Reality of Sexless Marriages

Dr. Orion Terban discusses the common issue of sexless marriages, particularly where wives unilaterally decide to stop sexual relations. He emphasizes the emotional toll this takes on men, who feel rejected not by a stranger but within the only socially and legally sanctioned place for intimacy — their marriage. Dr. Terban points out that while men may share some responsibility, there is a path to reviving intimacy, though no guarantees. He introduces a controversial idea: that refusing sex in a monogamous relationship constitutes a form of cheating, as it breaches the implicit agreement between the partners.

05:01

📖 Redefining Cheating in Monogamous Relationships

Cheating in monogamous relationships, according to Dr. Terban, isn't just about having multiple partners but also about refusing to engage with the one partner in the relationship. He compares this to taking more or receiving less than what was agreed upon in a game. Both forms, he argues, violate the principles of monogamy. He advises men in sexless marriages to recognize that they are no longer in a monogamous relationship, even if society fails to acknowledge this breach in the same way it does with extramarital affairs.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Sexless Marriage

A sexless marriage refers to a relationship where one partner unilaterally decides to stop engaging in sexual activity, leading to a lack of sexual intimacy between the couple. In the video, the speaker emphasizes how this situation is common in many of his consultations, with the majority of cases involving the wife deciding to stop sexual relations. The concept is central to the video’s theme as it explores the emotional and psychological toll on men who feel rejected in this way.

💡Monogamy

Monogamy is defined as the practice of being in a committed relationship with only one partner. The video highlights how a sexless marriage breaches the agreement of monogamy because, in essence, the refusal to engage in sexual activity makes it similar to having zero partners instead of one. The speaker challenges the traditional understanding of cheating, arguing that monogamy is violated even when there is no extramarital affair, but rather an absence of sex within the relationship.

💡Cheating

Cheating, in the context of the video, is broadened beyond its traditional definition of infidelity involving multiple sexual partners. The speaker asserts that refusing to engage in sexual relations within a monogamous marriage is also a form of cheating. The argument hinges on the idea that monogamy requires exclusivity and sexual involvement with one partner, and that unilateral decisions to stop having sex breach this agreement.

💡Emotional Rejection

Emotional rejection occurs when one partner feels unwanted or undesirable due to their spouse's refusal to engage in sexual intimacy. In the video, the speaker describes how men in sexless marriages often feel demoralized, hurt, and rejected, as they are being denied the physical and emotional connection that is typically a part of marriage. This concept is vital to understanding the psychological distress caused by sexless marriages.

💡Unilateral Decision

A unilateral decision refers to one person making a choice that affects both parties in a relationship without mutual agreement. The video emphasizes how one spouse, often the wife, makes the decision to stop sexual activity, which is portrayed as problematic because it affects both partners. The speaker argues that such decisions undermine the mutual nature of a monogamous relationship.

💡Dead Bedroom

The term 'dead bedroom' refers to a situation in a relationship where sexual activity has ceased. The speaker touches on how a dead bedroom can be revived through effort, though he warns that success is not guaranteed. The dead bedroom is seen as a common issue leading to feelings of emotional neglect and a breach of the sexual contract in marriage.

💡Natural Consequence

The natural consequence mentioned in the video refers to the idea that treating sexlessness as a form of cheating might reduce its prevalence. The speaker argues that sexless marriages should have consequences similar to those imposed on extramarital affairs, which could discourage one partner from making unilateral decisions about sexual withdrawal.

💡Severability Clause

The severability clause is a legal concept applied to contracts, where even if one term of a contract is violated, the rest of the contract remains in force. The speaker uses this metaphor to explain how sexless marriages breach the monogamous aspect of a relationship, but other dimensions of the marriage—such as shared resources, children, and emotional bonds—can remain intact. This legal analogy is used to emphasize that a violation of sexual intimacy does not necessarily dissolve the entire relationship.

💡Celibate Relationship

A celibate relationship is one where sexual activity has ceased, either voluntarily or involuntarily. The speaker uses this term to describe the state of a marriage where one partner decides to stop having sex, leaving the other partner in an unintended celibate relationship. The shift from a monogamous to a celibate relationship is portrayed as a fundamental breach of the marital agreement.

💡Emotional Provocation

Emotional provocation refers to the process of becoming emotionally engaging or stimulating to one's partner. The speaker notes that men who find themselves in sexless marriages are often somewhat complicit in their predicament, as they may not be emotionally provocative or attractive enough to sustain their partner's interest. This concept is brought up as part of the potential solutions for reviving sexual intimacy.

Highlights

Dr. Orion Terban introduces the topic of sexless marriages, a common issue brought up in his consultations.

The majority of cases involve the wife unilaterally deciding to end the sexual aspect of the relationship, although it can happen the other way around.

Being sexually rejected in a marriage is particularly hurtful and demoralizing for men, much more so than rejection in dating scenarios.

Terban argues that sexual rejection in a marriage can be extremely painful, as marriage is the only morally and legally sanctioned space for sexual relations.

Men in sexless marriages often feel complicit in their predicament, possibly due to not being attractive or emotionally engaging enough.

Terban believes that it's possible to bring sex back into a dead bedroom, but it requires effort and doesn't always guarantee success.

He presents an unconventional take that categorically refusing to have sex in a monogamous relationship is a form of cheating.

Cheating, in his view, is a violation of the relationship's rules, not only when one has multiple partners but also when one partner decides to have zero partners.

Terban compares sexlessness to stepping out of a monogamous relationship, akin to having an affair.

He asserts that if a man's wife stops sleeping with him, the relationship has shifted from monogamous to celibate, a breach of the marriage agreement.

The breach of sexual exclusivity doesn't automatically dissolve the entire relationship; other dimensions like children, resources, and emotions are still valid.

Terban draws an analogy to contract law, where a violation of one clause (sexlessness) doesn't invalidate the entire contract (marriage).

He advises patience in sexless marriages, as sexual interest can fluctuate over time, but also cautions against infinite patience without accountability.

If efforts to revive the sexual relationship fail, Terban argues that the monogamy clause has been severed, and the partner should not be held to monogamous standards.

Treating sexlessness as a form of cheating may help reduce its prevalence by introducing natural consequences to this condition.