How to Stop Obsessing in Early Dating

Summary

In this video, dating coach Matthew Hussey delves into the common experience of obsessive rumination when we become infatuated with someone early in a relationship. He explains how psychological factors like the halo effect can distort our perception of a person, leading to unrealistic expectations. Matthew shares five practical steps to manage these feelings: focusing on a well-rounded view of potential partners, avoiding urgency, being mindful of their imperfections, not burying key dealbreakers, and remembering to value ourselves as the 'goose' who lays the 'golden eggs' in life. These strategies help prevent unhealthy obsession and foster healthier, more balanced relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 When you meet someone you like, it can be overwhelming, leading to obsessive thoughts and anxiety about their feelings towards you.
• 😀 The Halo Effect can cause us to overvalue someone's positive qualities (like looks or success) and assume other positive traits, even if they haven't been demonstrated yet.
• 😀 It's important not to prioritize looks, money, or lifestyle above other qualities when considering a partner, as this can lead to overlooking crucial character traits.
• 😀 Satisficing, not maximizing, is key in relationships—determine what you need in a partner, but don’t chase after the idealized version of them.
• 😀 Urgency can drive poor decisions in dating, like rushing into a relationship or ignoring potential red flags, out of fear of losing the person.
• 😀 We often idealize someone based on a great date or moment, but taking time to observe their behavior in different situations will reveal their true character.
• 😀 Recognizing someone's imperfections and flaws can help level the playing field, allowing us to engage with them more realistically rather than as a perfect, unattainable figure.
• 😀 It's important to set boundaries and communicate what you want in a relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable or awkward.
• 😀 We should avoid 'burying the lead'—not ignoring the dealbreakers or important red flags that a person presents early on in the dating process.
• 😀 The key to reducing obsessive rumination is to recognize that your value lies within yourself, not in someone else’s validation or in external circumstances like dating success.

Q & A

What is the 'halo effect' and how does it impact our dating lives?

The halo effect is a cognitive bias where we form an overall positive impression of someone based on a single positive trait, such as physical attractiveness or success. In dating, this can cause us to overlook potential flaws and mistakenly believe the person is perfect, leading to obsessive thinking and unrealistic expectations.

How can we avoid overvaluing looks, money, or lifestyle when dating?

Instead of maximizing for traits like physical appearance or wealth, focus on satisfying your baseline needs in these areas. Recognize that an ideal partner is a package of qualities, and obsessing over a few traits can lead to ignoring more important aspects of character and compatibility.

What is the difference between maximizing and satisficing in the context of dating?

Maximizing means seeking the best possible qualities in someone (e.g., the most attractive or wealthiest), while satisficing means accepting enough of those qualities to meet your needs. Satisficing helps prevent obsession over unattainable standards and allows for a more balanced approach to relationships.

Why is losing urgency important in early dating?

When we feel urgency, we focus on 'getting' someone rather than truly assessing whether they are a good fit. This rush can cloud judgment and prevent us from noticing red flags or incompatibilities. Taking things slowly allows for better evaluation of a potential partner.

How can urgency lead to mistakes in relationships?

Urgency can cause us to ignore important signs or make hasty decisions, similar to buying a house without fully inspecting it. When we rush into relationships, we might overlook serious issues or settle for a person who isn't right for us.

How can paying attention to someone's behavior help us avoid obsessive thinking?

By observing how someone acts in different situations, rather than just focusing on their best moments, we can gain a more balanced view of them. Recognizing both their strengths and weaknesses helps prevent placing them on an unrealistic pedestal.

What is the importance of seeing a partner as human rather than perfect?

Viewing someone as human allows for a more genuine connection. It reduces the fear of losing them and enables us to communicate openly about issues, creating a healthier dynamic based on mutual respect rather than idealization.

What should we do if we notice behaviors in a partner that we don't like?

It's important to address these behaviors early on by having open conversations and setting boundaries. Recognizing and communicating our standards helps prevent building relationships on false expectations or tolerating things that are unacceptable.

What is 'burying the lead' in dating, and why is it problematic?

Burying the lead refers to ignoring major red flags or important information that might disqualify someone as a suitable partner. For example, if someone is not ready for a relationship or has incompatible life goals, we may focus on their positive traits and ignore these critical issues, leading to unnecessary emotional investment.

How does the story of the goose and the golden eggs relate to our value in dating?

The story illustrates the danger of transferring our sense of value to external things, like the person we're dating, instead of recognizing our own inherent worth. Just like the goose lays the golden eggs, we are the source of our own value and should never let external factors define our self-worth.