Cohabitation

Catholic Breakfast

13 Apr 201805:00

Summary

TLDRThe video addresses how parents can guide their adult children who are cohabiting before marriage, especially when they view it as morally wrong. It suggests asking questions to understand their desires, focusing on their personal growth rather than condemning their actions. Parents are encouraged to help their children become better individuals by supporting their desire for a faithful and meaningful marriage. Lastly, the video advises being honest and vulnerable about feelings, without shaming, and fostering open communication to inspire positive change.

Takeaways

🙂 Ask questions to understand your adult child's experiences without judgment.
🤔 Focus on identifying their authentic desires for faithfulness, love, and exclusivity.
👨‍🏫 Teach from a perspective of being rather than focusing only on behavior.
🔄 Decisions shape the type of people we become—more whole or more broken.
📚 Encourage personal growth by offering resources that align with their goals for a faithful marriage.
💬 Use 'I statements' to express your feelings without blaming or shaming.
🌱 Acknowledge your own mistakes as a parent and model accountability.
🙌 Create an environment of honesty, vulnerability, and mutual support.
💡 Avoid emotionally manipulative language and instead foster open communication.
💒 Your children may realize the importance of making marriage feel different from living together and seek your support.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?
-The main topic discussed is how parents can help their adult children see that living together before marriage is not okay.
What approach does the speaker suggest parents take when addressing the issue with their adult children?
-The speaker suggests asking a lot of questions to understand their children's experiences and desires, teaching from a perspective of being rather than doing, and being honest and vulnerable about their feelings.
Why does the speaker recommend asking questions to the adult children?
-The speaker recommends asking questions to avoid judgment and to understand the authentic desires of their children's hearts, which can lead to more open and honest conversations.
What is meant by teaching from a perspective of 'being' rather than 'doing'?
-Teaching from a perspective of 'being' focuses on the kind of people they are becoming and the moral implications of their actions, rather than just focusing on the behaviors themselves.
How does the speaker suggest parents handle their own feelings about the situation?
-The speaker suggests being honest and vulnerable about their feelings using 'I statements' to express disappointment or hurt without shaming or blaming their children.
What kind of culture does the speaker believe should be promoted within the family when discussing this issue?
-The speaker believes in promoting a culture of real honesty and sharing, where mistakes are acknowledged and efforts are made to improve, rather than a culture of shaming.
How does the speaker recommend parents respond if their children express a desire for faithfulness and a strong marriage?
-The speaker recommends supporting their children's desires by providing resources, such as books, that can help them become the kind of person they want to be and achieve a faithful marriage.
What is the speaker's view on using statistics or negative outcomes to convince their children about cohabitation?
-The speaker advises against using statistics or negative outcomes, as these often backfire or do not produce good results. Instead, focus on positive and supportive communication.
Why does the speaker emphasize modeling behavior for adult children?
-The speaker emphasizes modeling behavior because it shows that adults can recognize mistakes, make changes, and improve, which can inspire adult children to do the same.
What outcome does the speaker hope for by using the suggested approaches?
-The speaker hopes that by using the suggested approaches, parents can foster honest and supportive relationships with their adult children, leading to better decisions and stronger marriages.

Outlines

00:00

💬 Addressing Adult Children Living Together Before Marriage

The speaker responds to a question about how to address the issue of adult children living together before marriage. The advice begins with an emphasis on understanding and asking questions to avoid judgment and instead uncover authentic desires. The speaker highlights the importance of acknowledging the adult child’s longing for faithfulness, exclusivity, and lasting love in their relationships. By focusing on these desires, parents can build a foundation to guide their children positively and effectively.

📚 Teaching from a Perspective of Being Rather Than Doing

The speaker advises parents to guide their adult children by focusing on the type of person they want to become rather than merely criticizing their behavior. They suggest that every decision contributes to shaping a person’s character. Instead of condemning the behavior or moralizing, parents are encouraged to support their children’s desire to be the best version of themselves. The goal is to promote understanding that morally questionable actions ultimately hurt the individual, so the conversation should revolve around becoming a better person.

❤️ Expressing Honest Emotions and Vulnerability

The speaker emphasizes the value of being honest and vulnerable about personal feelings without resorting to blame or emotional manipulation. They suggest using 'I' statements to express disappointment or hurt feelings in a way that invites open dialogue and honesty, avoiding shaming or harsh criticism. This approach can model for adult children that making mistakes is a part of life, and being an adult involves acknowledging and learning from those mistakes.

💡 Encouraging Growth and Positive Change

Finally, the speaker suggests that parents express their willingness to change and grow alongside their children. By admitting past parenting mistakes and showing a commitment to improving, parents can set an example of maturity and responsibility. This can create opportunities for the children to seek advice and support, potentially leading to a deeper and more meaningful conversation about relationships, marriage, and personal growth. The speaker concludes by offering a prayer for all parents dealing with similar challenges, hoping that their guidance will inspire positive changes.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Cohabitation

Cohabitation refers to the practice of living together with a romantic partner outside of marriage. In the video, it is discussed as a moral and cultural issue, where the speaker addresses concerns from parents about their adult children cohabiting. The video suggests asking questions and understanding the adult child's perspective rather than outright condemning the behavior.

💡Faithfulness

Faithfulness is the quality of being loyal and committed in a relationship, particularly in marriage. The speaker emphasizes that every heart desires faithfulness in romantic relationships, and this desire can be a foundation for conversations with adult children about the significance of marriage. The concept is central to the idea of building strong, lasting marriages.

💡Moral life

Moral life refers to living in accordance with ethical principles and values. In the video, the speaker encourages parents to guide their adult children not by focusing on 'bad' behaviors but by helping them understand how their decisions shape their moral character. It suggests teaching from a perspective of 'being' rather than 'doing,' to help the child become a person who naturally makes moral choices.

💡Cultural norms

Cultural norms are the shared expectations and rules that guide behavior within a society. The speaker acknowledges that cohabitation has become common in today's culture, even though it may conflict with certain moral or religious values. Understanding this cultural shift is important when addressing the issue with adult children, as it frames the conversation in the context of broader societal changes.

💡Marriage

Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. The video centers on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution that should be entered into with a deep sense of commitment, rather than as an extension of cohabitation. The speaker encourages parents to help their children see the uniqueness and special nature of marriage.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to express emotions and feelings openly, even when it makes one feel exposed or uncomfortable. The speaker suggests that parents should be honest and vulnerable with their adult children about how they feel regarding cohabitation, using 'I' statements to express disappointment or hurt without being accusatory or manipulative.

💡Teaching from 'being'

Teaching from 'being' refers to guiding someone to understand the kind of person they want to become, rather than focusing solely on their actions or behaviors. The speaker contrasts this with teaching from 'doing,' where the emphasis is on following rules or avoiding sin. This approach is suggested as a more positive and constructive way to discuss moral issues with adult children.

💡Moral code

A moral code is a set of principles or rules that guide ethical behavior. In the video, the speaker advises against focusing on a rigid moral code when discussing cohabitation with adult children. Instead, the emphasis should be on how decisions impact one's character and long-term well-being, framing the conversation around personal growth rather than just rule-following.

💡Authentic desires

Authentic desires refer to the deep, true longings of the heart, such as the desire for love, faithfulness, and meaningful relationships. The speaker encourages parents to ask their children questions that help uncover these desires, which can then serve as a basis for discussing the value of marriage and the drawbacks of cohabitation.

💡Honesty in family relationships

Honesty in family relationships involves being open about one's feelings and experiences, particularly in difficult situations. The speaker advocates for honest communication between parents and adult children when addressing sensitive topics like cohabitation. This honesty fosters a culture of openness without judgment, where both parties can share their struggles and mistakes.

Highlights

Parents should ask open-ended questions to encourage adult children to share their experiences without feeling judged.

Asking about their experience with cohabitation can open a dialogue, rather than making them defensive.

Parents should focus on their children's authentic desires, such as faithfulness, love, and joy, to find common ground.

Every heart desires faithfulness and exclusivity in love, and these values can serve as a foundation for further discussion.

It's more effective to teach values by focusing on who a person is becoming rather than solely criticizing their behaviors.

Decisions shape who we become as people, either making us more whole or more divided.

Moral decisions are important because they affect one's internal sense of humanity and wholeness.

Calling adult children to strive for greatness in their relationships is a more positive approach than focusing on their mistakes.

Offering resources, like books that promote growth in marriage, can help them become the people they want to be.

Parents should be open and vulnerable about their feelings rather than shaming or blaming their children.

Using 'I' statements, like 'I feel disappointed' or 'I feel hurt,' can foster more open and honest communication.

Parents should admit their own mistakes to model for their children how adults take responsibility for their actions.

Being honest about one's own shortcomings can encourage adult children to reflect on their choices and seek change.

The goal is to create a culture of honesty, not shame, where both parents and children can admit mistakes and grow.

When families communicate openly and without judgment, adult children may ask for help in making their marriage special.