Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count
Summary
TLDRIn this inspiring talk, the speaker grapples with the fear and vulnerability inherent in creativity, drawing on personal experiences to illustrate the struggle between self-doubt and the drive to create. She emphasizes the importance of showing up, being seen, and embracing the perspiration that comes with the fear of putting one's work out into the world. The speaker also reflects on the critical role of values and support systems in sustaining creative endeavors, ultimately urging creatives to reserve a seat for their critics and themselves in the arena of life, to acknowledge the fear but choose courage nonetheless.
Takeaways
- 🤔 The speaker initially felt out of place at a creative conference, questioning her identity as a researcher among 'creatives'.
- 🔍 She explored the connection between research, creativity, and vulnerability, realizing that design and art are deeply intertwined with vulnerability and love.
- 💡 A conversation with a friend led her to recognize that her research into human connection and vulnerability aligns with the creative process.
- 😓 The speaker humorously considered getting pinkeye as an excuse to avoid the conference, highlighting her initial reluctance.
- 💦 The term 'sweaty creatives' is used to describe the hard work and emotional labor involved in the creative process.
- 🎯 A quote from Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech profoundly impacted her, reframing her perspective on criticism and failure.
- 🛡️ She advocates for 'armoring up' against self-doubt and fear, but warns that it can also shut off creativity and love.
- 👀 The speaker identifies 'shame', 'scarcity', and 'comparison' as universal emotions that often occupy the 'arena' of creative expression.
- 🤝 The importance of having supportive people in your life who can pick you up after failure is emphasized, as is the need for self-compassion.
- 🚫 She encourages creators to reserve a seat for their critics in the arena, acknowledging their presence but not letting it deter creativity.
- 💪 The talk concludes with a call to embrace vulnerability and self-criticism as necessary parts of the creative journey.
Q & A
What was the speaker's initial reluctance to attend the 99% conference?
-The speaker initially wanted to avoid attending the 99% conference because they realized they didn't truly belong to the 'tribe' of creatives they thought they did, as their obsession with fonts and research didn't align with the typical creative spirit.
How did the speaker's friend react to the idea of getting pinkeye to avoid the conference?
-The friend responded with shock and concern, asking if the speaker was in a 'bad place', indicating that the idea of intentionally getting sick was extreme and not a healthy approach to dealing with the situation.
What is the significance of the 'pinkeye epidemic' mentioned in the script?
-The 'pinkeye epidemic' serves as a metaphor for the speaker's desire to find any excuse to avoid attending the conference, highlighting their internal conflict and reluctance to embrace their identity as a creative.
What quote from Eudora Roosevelt had a profound impact on the speaker?
-The quote that impacted the speaker was from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt, known as the 'Man in the Arena' speech, which emphasizes the importance of courage in the face of criticism and the value of daring greatly, even in the face of failure.
How does the speaker define 'sweaty creatives'?
-The speaker defines 'sweaty creatives' as individuals who put in the hard work and effort (perspiration) into their creative processes, often experiencing fear and anxiety (sweat) as they present their ideas and creations to the world.
What does the speaker suggest is the birthplace of both fear and creativity?
-The speaker suggests that vulnerability is the birthplace of both fear and creativity, as it encompasses emotions like self-doubt, grief, and uncertainty, but also love, joy, trust, empathy, and innovation.
Why does the speaker believe it's important to reserve a seat for critics in the arena?
-The speaker believes in reserving a seat for critics to acknowledge their presence and to demonstrate that their feedback is not the driving force behind the speaker's actions. It's a way to show that the speaker is aware of criticism but chooses to continue their creative endeavors regardless.
What role do values play in the speaker's approach to creativity?
-Values play a crucial role as they provide clarity and direction for the speaker's creative endeavors. They serve as a guiding force, especially when facing failure or criticism, ensuring that actions align with deeply held beliefs like courage and authenticity.
Why is it important to have someone who can pick you up after failure, according to the speaker?
-Having someone who can pick you up after failure is important because it provides emotional support and reassurance, allowing the individual to recover and continue pursuing their creative goals without being defined by their failures.
What does the speaker suggest we should reserve a seat for ourselves in the arena?
-The speaker suggests reserving a seat for ourselves to acknowledge our own self-criticism and to remind us of our origins, the people who love us, and the reasons why we create. It's about understanding that self-criticism can be just as harsh as external criticism, and it's essential to balance it with self-compassion and a reminder of our creative purpose.
Outlines
🤔 The Dilemma of Belonging and Fear
The speaker begins by humorously contemplating how to avoid attending a conference by faking an illness, which leads to a deeper conversation about self-identity and belonging. They discuss their initial excitement for the conference, followed by a realization that their passion for fonts doesn't necessarily align them with the 'creative' tribe they expected to join. Through a dialogue with a friend, the speaker acknowledges their role as a researcher and how their studies on connection, vulnerability, and love relate to the creative process, ultimately justifying their presence at the conference. They also touch on the theme of the conference, focusing on the 'perspiration' aspect of creativity, which symbolizes the hard work and fear that comes with the territory of being a 'sweaty creative.'
🎭 The Arena of Public Scrutiny
The speaker shares a personal experience of being widely criticized online after a TED talk went viral. They recount the emotional toll of reading hurtful comments that targeted their appearance and personal life, which led them to retreat into a comfort zone of watching TV. However, a quote from Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech inspired a transformative shift in their perspective. The speaker reflects on the importance of vulnerability in both facing fear and experiencing the full range of human emotions. They assert that to create and innovate, one must be willing to show up and be seen, even when it means risking criticism and failure. The speaker concludes by advocating a new approach to criticism, suggesting that only those who are also actively participating in the creative process have valuable feedback to offer.
🛡️ Armoring Against Vulnerability
The speaker delves into the metaphor of the 'arena,' representing the space where creatives face their fears and self-doubt. They discuss the common tendency to 'armor up' against vulnerability, which can stifle creativity and love. The speaker emphasizes the importance of embracing vulnerability as a pathway to both fear and joy. They also highlight the presence of critics in the arena and suggest that instead of trying to exclude them, it's more effective to acknowledge their existence and prepare for their comments. The speaker identifies three constant critics within the arena: shame, scarcity, and comparison, and encourages the audience to recognize these critics and not let them dictate their actions or worth.
🤝 Welcoming Critics with Reserved Seats
The speaker continues the discussion on dealing with critics by suggesting a strategy of reserving seats for them in the arena, symbolizing an acknowledgment of their presence without letting their opinions hinder creativity. They stress the importance of clarity of values and having supportive people in one's life who can provide encouragement and perspective after failures. The speaker also talks about the need to include oneself in the arena, recognizing that self-criticism can be the most challenging critic to overcome. They conclude by emphasizing the courage it takes to show up and be seen, suggesting that the fear of regret for not showing up is greater than the fear of criticism or failure.
🏆 Embracing the Creative Journey
In the final paragraph, the speaker addresses the audience directly, expressing gratitude for the opportunity to speak and reflecting on the importance of showing up in one's work and life. They acknowledge the self-critical nature of creatives and the tendency to orphan parts of oneself that don't fit an idealized image. The speaker encourages the audience to reserve a seat in the arena for their authentic selves, including the critic within, and to remember the importance of showing up despite the fear of being seen. They end on a note of empowerment, celebrating the courage it takes to be vulnerable and to create, leaving the audience with a sense of validation and inspiration.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Vulnerability
💡Connection
💡Creativity
💡Criticism
💡Arena
💡Fear
💡Perspiration
💡Tribe
💡Research
💡Font
💡Imperfection
Highlights
The speaker humorously considers getting pinkeye as an excuse to avoid attending a conference.
Realizes her obsession with fonts doesn't necessarily make her part of the creative 'tribe'.
Design is seen as a function of connection, and creativity is inherently vulnerable.
Art is equated with love, and the speaker finds her place among creatives through her research on connection and vulnerability.
The speaker's keynote is titled 'Sweaty Creatives', reflecting the hard work and fear involved in the creative process.
A personal story about the struggle with public criticism after a TED Talk went viral.
A quote from Theodore Roosevelt inspires the speaker to embrace the arena of public life despite criticism.
Vulnerability is not just about fear and self-doubt but also the birthplace of love, belonging, and creativity.
The importance of showing up and being seen, even when it means facing criticism and potential failure.
A new philosophy on criticism: disregarding feedback from those not also taking risks or being vulnerable.
The arena is a metaphor for the space where creatives face fear and self-doubt.
Armoring up against vulnerability also shuts off access to love, joy, and creativity.
The need to get 'naked', or be vulnerable, to truly create and connect with others.
The inevitability of facing shame, scarcity, and comparison when showing up with creative work.
Reserving a seat for critics in the arena as a way to acknowledge their presence without letting their feedback deter creativity.
The necessity of having at least one person who supports and understands the creative process, even in failure.
The importance of clarity of values in guiding a creative's willingness to show up and be vulnerable.
The challenge of reserving a seat for oneself in the arena to face and overcome self-criticism.
A call to action for creatives to show up fully, despite the fear of criticism and self-doubt.
Transcripts
okay so this past weekend a really good
friend of mine who lives in New York
called and said how are you feeling
about the ninety nine conference and my
answer was what do you think is the
least invasive way to extract eyeball
juice from a first grader and his
response was Oh God are you in that
place and I said no really
this is here's the idea there is a total
pinkeye epidemic in my son's class and
if I could get some of the juice I could
give myself pinkeye which would be a
legitimate excuse not to go and I can
even like you know do a selfie with like
a big eye and then it would be legit and
he said I thought you were excited and I
said I was excited but as I was working
on my keynote I realized that I had kind
of tricked myself into believing that
this was my tribe and then I realized
like my obsession with fonts doesn't
really make me one of you
and he said well why did you know what
was going on when you thought you were
one of them and I said I don't know I'm
gonna have to think about it and he said
you're a researcher it doesn't
necessarily mean that you're not you
know a creative and I said no these are
the creatives these are the people that
no one sat with in high school
and then everybody wants to be when they
grow up I'm a researcher no one set with
us in high school no one still sits with
us so I thought about it I thought okay
so I'm a researcher I studied connection
I study vulnerability I study love and
then I realized why I thought you and my
tribe I think it's because design is a
function of connection there is nothing
more vulnerable than creativity and what
is art if it's not love so it made sense
to me to be here and then I thought okay
99% perspiration they said don't talk
about inspirational stuff talk about the
how to's so you know my name sometimes I
name my keynote presentations things
that will make me feel better about
being here so this one's called sweaty
creatives because I know what it means
to be a sweaty creative because I create
all the time when I write the way I
translate my research when I talk and I
know what the perspiration feels like
and so what I want to talk about today
is the perspiration that no one talks
about very often and that's not the
perspiration from the hard work and the
laborious part of creating it's the
perspiration from fear from the cold
sweat the stuff that pops up on our
eyebrows when it's not supposed to be
there because we're presenting an idea
are talking about something that we care
about and then we're begging our body
not to sweat like when they said we're
filming you against black can you wear
something else I'm like no
that 99% perspiration thing I'm down
with that I got that I won't be where
I'll be worried oh yeah it's my option
will be Navy so I know about sweaty
creatives so I want to tell you about
something that changed my life as a
creative person and it's a quote from
the Eudora Roosevelt and it is
completely I mean I know it sounds
cheesy and cliche I think a quote can
change your life but sometimes when you
hear something when you need to hear it
and you're ready to hear it something
shifts inside of you and so my story is
that I am a researcher and I never
thought I would have a big public career
and so I did a TED talk that went very
viral and in the wake of that I was kind
of everywhere for a couple of months on
every cnn.com NPR it was everywhere and
something I wasn't used to and the
marching orders from my therapist and my
husband were do not read the comments
online so I read all the comments online
it's a one morning I woke up and there
were two or three new articles out and I
started reading the comments and they
were devastating they weren't about my
work they were about me
they were super personal and they were
the things that creative people play in
their mind and then give up doing what
they really want to do like if I asked
every single one of you you would try
what would you try if you knew people
would never say this about you what
would that what would this be
it would those were the comments that
morning
of course she embraces imperfection what
choice does she have look what look at
how she looks I feel sorry for her kids
less research more Botox just mean
personal attacks the things that we
up until that moment had inspired me to
stay very small in my life in my career
just so I could avoid those things so
that morning Stephen the kids leave I
stay home I get on the couch and I watch
eight hours of Downton Abbey and when
it's over I don't want to turn off
Downton Abbey because I then because the
minute you turn off Downton Abbey then
it's like soccer practice and dinner and
back to the mean people and maybe even
I get Botox and maybe you know
maybe if I stand still when I talk so I
get my laptop and I do a search for who
was president in the United States
during the Downton Abbey era have you
ever done that like you you're numbing
with TV or movie and so when it's over
you just like stay in that space by like
learning more about the actors and
what's going on I've been doing this
long enough to know this is like you're
laughing with me
so I put it in and Theodore Roosevelt
comes up and a quote comes up and I read
it and this is what it says it's a quote
from a speech that he gave in the early
nineteen hundred's of this were born and
a lot of people called them in the arena
speech and this is the passage that
changed changes my life it's not the
critic who counts it's not the man who
points out how the strong man stumbles
or where the doer of Deeds could have
done it better the credit belongs to the
person who's actually in the arena whose
face is marred with blood and sweat and
dust who at the best in the end knows
the triumph of high achievement and who
at worst if he fails he fails daring
greatly
so the moment that I read that I closed
my laptop and this is what shifted in me
three huge things first I spent the last
12 years studying vulnerability and that
quote was everything I know about
vulnerability it is not about winning
it's not about losing it's about showing
up and being seen the second thing this
is who I want to be I want to create I
want to make things that didn't exist
before I touch them I want to show up
and be seen in my work and in my life
and if you're going to show up and be
seen
there is only one guarantee and that is
you will get your ass kicked
that is the guarantee that's the only
certainty you have if you're gonna go in
the arena and spend any time in there
whatsoever especially if you've
committed to creating in your life you
will get your ass kicked so you have to
decide at that moment I think for all of
us if courage is a value that we hold
this is a consequence you can't avoid it
the third thing which really set me free
and I think Steve my husband would argue
has made me somewhat dangerous it's kind
of a new philosophy about criticism
which is this if you're not in the arena
also getting your ass kicked I'm not
interested in your feedback
I know if you have constructive
information feedback to give me I want
it yeah I'm gonna hack it down like I'm
hardwired for wrestling around with
stuff like that you say hey you forgot
all this literature hey you should have
done this or you terrible sentence
construction over here like let's go
let's do it
I love that but if you're in the cheap
seats not putting yourself on the line
and just talking about how I could do it
better I'm in no way interested in your
feedback so I know about the sweaty
creative and so what I want to do today
is I want to talk very specifically
about the arena this is where this is
where we sweat how many of you know this
feeling by just looking at the picture
yeah show of hands how many of you know
that feeling so this is what we do down
here like I don't know what you didn't
do down here but what I set up camp down
here I like stringing up twinkle lights
i order takeout food I live down here
sometimes just dreaming about the day
that I come up and how awesome it's
gonna be like but I stay down here a lot
and here's what we do what the ring is
right there you can see it the lights
there and the fear is this I'm scared a
lot of self-doubt comparison anxiety
uncertainty and so what do most people
do when they're walking into the arena
and those things are going to greet them
at up top what do you do you armor up
right this is where I would imagine the
old days that they got all their stuff
on but God that stuff is heavy and that
stuff is suffocating and the problem is
when you arm her up against
vulnerability you shut yourself off and
I've said this to audiences before but I
have never said it to an audience where
it is more true than today the second
when you armor up you armor up
in this hallway you shut yourself off
from everything that you do and that you
love because vulnerability is certainly
a part of fear and self-doubt and grief
and uncertainty and shame but it's also
the birthplace of these it's the
birthplace of love a belonging of joy
trust empathy creativity and innovation
without vulnerability you cannot create
so what I think you're asked to do as a
creative on a daily basis is walk
through this hall get to the top of the
stairs and get naked of course get naked
get really real put yourself out there
and walk out there so people can see you
and see what you've made and see what
you're doing so when we walk out this is
what we see lots of seats lots of people
but we focus in and we focus on this the
critics I used to think the best way to
put your work out into the world is to
make sure the critics are not in the
arena but you have no control over who's
in the arena and the best way I have
found is to know that they're there and
to know exactly what they're going to
say to you because each of you know the
three seats that will always be taken
when you walk into the arena when you
share your work with someone the three
seats that will always be taken are
shame scarcity in comparison shame
completely universal human emotion we
all have it
it's that gremlin that whispers you're
not you're not enough or if you're
feeling pretty confident like this I
went to just like in it's that when
Scott was talking I went back and forth
from like like a ping-pong table with
gremlins back from oh my god I'm not
enough I'm not enough - I can do this I
can totally do oh who do you think you
are that's the other gremlin that's how
it works like look at you you big for
your britches I clearly have Texas form
ones
I don't know that everyone says too big
for their britches but that's what
migrant wouldn't say so
shame always has a seat the other seat
that's always taken is scarcity what am
i doing
that everyone what am i doing that's
original everyone else is doing this 150
people are doing that who are better
trained than on trend than I am what am
i contributing does this really matter
the third seat always comparison how
many of you ever struggle with
comparison comparison is it nightmare
you know I made a pact not to talk to
anyone in the green room because what I
was afraid that I would end up doing it
so what are you talking about
that's interesting because I'm going
first and so if it sounds super good and
I think I suck comparatively I may say
that and then I'm catching a flight to
Dallas comparison is always there the
fourth seat I left open for you
you gotta know who's in the fourth seat
is it a teacher is it a parent is it a
shitty ex-coworker am I the only one
that's ever had one of those the thing
is I don't care what people think
I don't worry about the critics in the
arena sends a huge red flag up for me
we're hardwired for connection when we
stop caring what people think we lose
our capacity for connection when we
become defined by what people think we
lose our capacity to be vulnerable not
caring what people think is its own kind
of hustle trust me
so rather than locking these folks out
from the arena what I'm going to invite
you to do this way maybe is reserved
seats for them which doesn't seem like a
good thing to do but I have 13,000
pieces of data and I've done this work
for 12 years and what I have found and
what I have learned from these folks and
then try to apply it in my own life that
has changed my life is to reserve a seat
to take the critics to lunch
and to simply say when I'm trying to do
something new and hard and original and
I'm trying to be creative and I'm trying
to innovate to say I see you I hear you
but I'm going to show up and do this
anyway and I've got a seat for you and
you're welcome to come but I'm not
interested in your feedback
the other piece that's tough is to me if
you're gonna spend your life in the
arena if you're gonna spend your life
showing up really showing up there's a
couple things that you need the first is
a clarity of values you have to like I
know like when I came out here I knew I
could screw this completely up I could
get booed offstage bad things could
happen but I don't have a choice because
if courage is my value I have to do this
whether it's successful or not is
irrelevant so a real clarity of values
is important the other thing is you got
to have at least one person in your life
who's willing to pick you up and dust
you off and look at you when you fail
which hopefully you will because if
you're not failing you're really not
showing up but who was willing to look
at you when you fail and say man that
sucked
yeah it was totally as bad as you
thought but you were brave and let's get
you cleaned up and because you're gonna
go back in and this is someone who loves
you not despite your imperfections and
vulnerabilities but because of them and
they should have great seats in the
arena like I forgot for 5/10 for a
decade I forgot to invite these people
into my arena because you know it's the
old I always want to say Karl Marx but
it's Groucho Marx difference
I'm a social worker we read a lot more
Carl than Groucho I didn't want to
belong to a club that would let me in I
forgot to invite people because I
thought if you're if you're my fan if
you're here supporting me how important
could you be like I'm trying to win over
the people who hate me
you simply love me you simply hold my
hair back when I'm puking you pay bills
with me and raise kids with me how
important could you be I'm looking for
the stranger in the mall
that's who I'm trying to win over
yes or no okay the last part is so I
guess the real specific how choose or
this the world keeps going whether you
know it or not the critics are in the
arena whether you identify them and
think about the messages that keep us
small they're there whether you do that
or not what I have found in my life and
what I've found in my research which
fueled what I did in my life is that the
people who have the most courage who are
willing to show and be the most
vulnerable are the ones who are very
clear about who the critics are the ones
who reserved seats for them and say I
hear you I get it I know where the
messaging is coming from I'm not I'm not
in I'm not buying it anymore so to get
very clear the last thing which I think
is the hardest is this one of these
seats needs to be reserved for you one
of these seats needs to be reserved for
me I need when we look up and we're
putting an idea our piece of art our
design forward who do you think the
biggest critic in the arena normally is
yourself and so definitely me like I
have never watched either of those TED
Talks
because it's not in service of the work
for me and I try to do things that are
only in service of my work because what
would what would it serve for me to
watch it I would sit there and go oh my
god suck in your stomach oh my god
that's not what you were gonna say you
know we're so self-critical and one of
the things that I think happens and I
think that happens a lot it happens in
different professions but I think I see
it a lot with creatives is there is an
ideal of what you're supposed to be and
what a lot of us end up doing is we
orphan the parts of ourselves that don't
fit what that ideal is supposed to be
and what it leaves when we orphan all
those parts of us is it just leaves the
critic and so reserved in this seed is
this where we came from how we started
our families that's me the oldest of
course the lost years the years where I
was so lost and confused and hurt and
disillusioned that I thought the only
path to freedom was a flock of seagulls
haircut the higher the hair the closer
to God we say in Texas
the people who love us the moments that
make us who we are and in that cheer
should be this person the person who
believes in what we're doing and why
we're doing it and the person who says
yeah it's so scary to show up it feels
dangerous to be seen it's terrifying but
it is not as scary dangerous or
terrifying as getting to the end of our
lives and thinking what if I would have
shown up what would have been different
so here's just what he creatives thank
y'all for having me here today
[Applause]
[Music]
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