Firmness as a Parent
Summary
TLDRIn this reflective account, a parent narrates their experience with their two-and-a-half-year-old son, Arier, who recently started preschool. The parent discusses the importance of firmness and gentleness in teaching self-regulation, drawing from an incident during a mountain hike a year prior. They recount how, through consistent firm guidance and respect, they helped Arier overcome his fear of separation and develop self-control, leading to improved behavior and a stronger sense of security.
Takeaways
- 👨👦 The father recounts an experience with his two and a half year old son, Arier, during a hike where firm reassurance helped soothe the child's crying.
- 🌲 The incident on the hike marked the beginning of the father realizing the importance of firmness in parenting, especially for his son.
- 📚 Arier started preschool recently, which was a significant change leading to increased whining and emotional responses at home.
- 🛌 The father used firm physical contact and verbal reassurance to help Arier calm down during a bedtime routine after a stressful day at preschool.
- 👶 The toddler's response to the firm approach indicated a need for structure and a way to self-regulate his emotions, which the father aimed to instill.
- 👪 The father emphasizes the importance of respect in parenting, showing it by believing in Arier's capabilities and teaching him self-control.
- 🏡 The father discusses the concept of safety and protection within the family, highlighting his role as protector and the duality of power and safety.
- 📖 The parents are reading 'Hunt, Gather Parent', a book that aligns with their approach to involving their child in family responsibilities.
- 🍽 The father encourages Arier's participation in household chores, like cleaning dishes, to foster a sense of contribution and respect within the family.
- 🌟 The narrative highlights the father's intentional approach to parenting, focusing on mutual respect, responsibility, and the development of the child's character.
Q & A
How old is the child mentioned in the script?
-The child is two and eight months old.
What was the child's reaction when he started preschool?
-The child was very upset and afraid, especially of being left by his mother.
How did the parent handle the child's whining after starting preschool?
-The parent used firmness and gentleness to help the child regulate his emotions, providing a firm structure and teaching self-control.
What was the parent's approach when the child was crying during a bath?
-The parent held the child firmly, made eye contact, and used a firm tone to reassure the child, encouraging him to 'pull himself together'.
What technique did the parent use to help the child calm down during a nighttime episode?
-The parent held the child tightly, used a deep, rumbling growl to provide a sense of firmness, and reassured the child verbally that he was okay.
How did the parent's actions affect the child's behavior the next day?
-The child did not cry the next morning for the first time in a week and a half, indicating that he had learned some self-control.
What is the significance of the parent's capability for violence in providing safety?
-The parent's capability for violence, when properly controlled and directed outwards, creates a safe environment for the family by acting as a protector.
What role does respect play in the parent's approach to handling the child's emotions?
-Respect is a fundamental aspect of the parent's approach, as it involves trusting the child's capabilities and teaching him to trust and respect himself.
What book are the parents reading that aligns with their parenting philosophy?
-The parents are reading a book called 'Hunt, Gather Parent'.
How does the parent involve the child in household tasks?
-The parent involves the child in tasks like cleaning dishes and loading the dishwasher, respecting the child's desire to help and teaching responsibility.
Outlines
👨👦 Father's Hiking Experience with Toddler
The speaker recounts an experience from a year and a half ago when he was hiking with his two and a half-year-old son, Arier, in a backpack. The child became tired and started crying. The father initially tried to soothe him gently but eventually had to use a firm tone to get Arier to stop crying. This incident marked the beginning of the father realizing the importance of firmness in dealing with his child. The story transitions to the present, where Arier is starting preschool and experiencing separation anxiety. The father reflects on how he needs to provide a firm structure for his son while also being gentle and understanding of his needs.
🛁 Firmness as a Parenting Tool
The father describes a recent event where Arier was being whiny and upset after starting preschool. The father, while bathing Arier, used firm physical contact and a strong, calm voice to help his son regulate his emotions. He made Arier make eye contact and repeated affirmations to help him feel safe and in control. The father also had Arier physically 'pull himself together' to help him self-soothe. This approach was effective, and Arier calmed down and enjoyed the rest of the bath. The father emphasizes the importance of firmness in teaching children self-control and the difference between his and his wife's parenting styles.
🌙 Midnight Soothing with a Firm Approach
The narrative continues into the night when Arier woke up whiny and upset. The father, who was sleeping with mouth tape on, held Arier tightly and used a deep, rumbling growl to soothe him, similar to how one might comfort a distressed animal. This firm but non-threatening approach helped Arier calm down and eventually fall back asleep. The father reflects on the dichotomy of using power and potential violence to create a safe environment for his family and how this power can be projected inward to help his child learn self-control.
📚 Respect and Responsibility in Parenting
The father discusses the concept of respect in parenting, explaining how he respects Arier's ability to self-regulate and control his emotions. He talks about the importance of intentionally crafting a family dynamic based on mutual respect and responsibility. The father also mentions reading a book called 'Hunt, Gather Parent' and how it has influenced his approach to letting Arier help with household chores, even if it takes longer, as a way of respecting him as a valuable member of the family.
🌱 Fostering Growth and Learning Through Experience
In the final paragraph, the father talks about the importance of allowing Arier to learn from experiences and grow through them. He gives the example of Arier's transition from being terrified of going to preschool to asking to go early, showing how the child has learned to trust and overcome his fears. The father emphasizes the need for intentional and constant crafting of family dynamics, respecting Arier's natural inclinations, and supporting his growth edge. He concludes by acknowledging the importance of these early experiences in shaping the family's future interactions and Arier's development.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Firmness
💡Regulation
💡Respect
💡Preschool
💡Emotional Control
💡Trust
💡Parenting
💡Gentleness
💡Self-Control
💡Container
💡Therapy
Highlights
A parent recounts an experience with their two-year-old son, Arier, during a hike, highlighting the importance of firmness in comforting a tired child.
The child's reaction to firm reassurance, which led to a change in behavior, is noted as a pivotal moment in understanding the child's needs.
The parent reflects on the use of firmness as a parenting tool, contrasting it with gentleness, and its effectiveness over time.
Arier's transition to preschool and the challenges faced, including separation anxiety and the parent's approach to handling it.
The parent's realization that firmness, not just gentleness, is required to help Arier adjust to new situations like preschool.
A detailed account of a bath time incident where firm physical guidance and verbal reassurance helped Arier self-regulate his emotions.
The parent's strategy of using physical touch and deep, grounding sounds to calm Arier during a nighttime episode of distress.
The importance of respect in parenting, as the parent respects Arier's ability to self-regulate and handles him accordingly.
The parent's role as a protector and the dichotomy between their capability for violence and the safety they provide for the family.
The concept of teaching self-control and respect through intentional and consistent parenting practices.
The parent's approach to allowing Arier to participate in household chores as a way to build responsibility and respect.
The parent discusses the book 'Hunt, Gather Parent' and its influence on their parenting philosophy of involving children in family tasks.
Arier's positive change in attitude towards preschool, indicating his growing sense of trust and self-control.
The parent's emphasis on the importance of intentional and consistent crafting of family dynamics and values.
The parent's observation of Arier's natural inclinations and skill sets, and the importance of nurturing them through respectful interaction.
The parent's reflection on the necessity of evaluating and adjusting parenting strategies based on the child's growth and development.
Transcripts
I had an
interesting experience uh so earlier
this week or last week as a
parent and so I have a he's two and
eight months arier uh two and eight
months year old boy and an eight-month
old boy uh Raz um and so about a almost
exactly a year ago so it was about a
year and a half a year and eight months
uh were hiking and he was in the hiking
backpack so you know the like deer um
you know backpacking bag that they just
changed into a child's seat so he was
sitting on my back he's pretty sleepy
and he started crying on the on the way
down we just hiked up and down a
mountain and he started crying and he
wasn't it was like a tired guy he wasn't
like really upset about anything he
wasn't hungry wasn't just tired and you
know it just kind of kept going and I
was he's right his head's right behind
my head
kind of gently saying it's okay arier
it's okay you'll be back soon you can
fall asleep you know that kind of
tone like really gentle and after
however many minutes I don't remember
how long this this went on I very firmly
said and it wasn't out of anger um I
just kind of had to feel like I wonder
like that's clearly not working um so I
very firmly said you know AR you're okay
and it wasn't angry it was just firm
like that and he like Snapped out of it
I couldn't see him but I could kind of
feel him do that like little head snap
and he stopped crying he was like he he
wasn't he was he was veral he wasn't
really speaking but like if he could
speak I would have heard he would have
said you know whoa okay thank you yeah
I'm okay you're right and so that was a
year ago and kind of that first the
Genesis of this experience of you know
firmness is really useful for him and
I've seen that you know couple other
times over the past
year and so this p two weeks ago he
started preschool for the first time
it's four hours a day uh Monday through
Friday um it's his first time you know
being away from from us he's with my
wife all day um and he's understandably
uh and unsurprisingly you know really
upset going very afraid uh very afraid
of you know Mama leaving him um and even
as he started to understand you know
okay mom's going to come back I know
that and and he learned that we talked
about it he's very verbal and even if he
wasn't I would still you know talk about
it to him
um but he started to learn to to trust a
little more and to feel a little little
bit safer in you know this different
Dynamic different
context however for the first week week
and a half uh in the evenings when he'd
come home he he'd also be very tired it
was a stimulating new day and also scary
you know mama left him yeah she came
back but still he he was very very whiny
which he wasn't really a whiny kid
before that it was really annoying
and sometimes I would speak out of anger
and that's my mistake I wasn't you know
I wasn't regulated myself uh and I don't
think it's a good thing um but you know
more often than not I am regulated I
have control over myself it takes effort
but I'm able to do it and not that I was
so consciously thinking back two year
ago in that experience hiking but I
realized I you know what he needs here
is firmness not the Gent he also needs
the gentl to know he's safe and to have
softness and also you
know there is a little bit of a
difference between or a significant
difference between my wife's Vibe and
demeanor with him and my vibe and
demeanor with him I can be very gentle
and all of that but it's a different
type of gentleness than my wife's
gentleness um but what he needs here is
is firmness and a
firm structure around him which I need
to provide and not only provide as me as
the container around him but to give him
the skill skills and the tools and the
container within himself to have that
self-control and that firmness and so
one night he'd been whining all day for
many days um and I had done a little bit
of the firmness beforehand but I was
going him a bath and he was you know was
about his bedtime so he was maybe a
little bit too tired I should have
probably done the bath half an hour
earlier um but he was really really
really upset and just kind of crying
without even really understanding what's
going on so the Paz was filling up the
bath and cleaning up the bathroom a
little bit and just doing last minute
you know getting his pajamas and
whatever out I just I started ignoring
him as he was saying I don't want to
take a bath I want to take a bath I
acknowledged it the first maybe two
times and then when it didn't change I I
stopped and just he just kind of hung
out around me whining as he got in the
bath he had a you know the Freak Out
took went up to another level and I very
uh firmly grabbed him by the shoulders
not in an aggress not in a in an angry
way but in a firm way kind of the way
you know with autistic children um like
a tight hug can be very regulating for
the nervous system not just autistic
children for humans um Straight Jackets
actually do that as well weighted
blankets like weighted therapy blankets
achieve that kind of Regulation that
just and just you know a hug from
someone does that so uh it wasn't a hug
per se but you know my hands are fairly
large and he's pretty small um put a
firm pressure on his you know shoulders
upper back held him firmly um again not
angrily um and looked him straight in
the eye and I said firmly arier you're
okay and had him you know make eye
contact with me and set it a couple of
times to kind of patch him and and get
him in my wavelength kind of out of his
own Loop of crying and into my firm
you're okay and that tone and that Vibe
kind of wavelength and I could see him
switch into it a little bit also a
little bit afraid but also he was afraid
anyway so willing to to be in my in my
wavelength and I said pull yourself
together which obviously is kind of a
complex uh linguistic combination for a
two and a halfy old a 2 and eight month
year old um and so he took it literally
and with his arms he kind of started
trying to pull himself together kind of
Crossing them in front of him and doing
the squeez thing whatever fine he's
engaging he's trying to do it so great
great that's really great I kept very
firmly saying you're okay you can do
this you're okay pull yourself together
you're okay just in that firm kind of
kepts him caught in my in my voice
basically and as he started doing this
more then I I put my two of my fingers
in his you know each of his palms which
is you know fills up his his palms and I
said squeeze really hard just because he
had a lot of uh energy was called up
kind of you know I don't know if it's
exactly the same in such a young person
but comparable to an adult's fight
flight response the energy called up for
that so you know squeeze really hard and
make like a sound as you do it and I
started making that sound with him as he
did it and he started doing it more it's
the first time I've ever done that and
and still you know keeping eye contact
with him for the most part as he was
doing it I saw him gain power and gained
some level of control over himself in
addition to trust of me and Trust of me
not because I'm was this
gentle um telling him everything's okay
type of person but trust in me because I
threw it back on him and I and I was
regulated myself right I wasn't being
angry I wasn't uh shouting at him I was
just providing that firmness that I
could catch him in that firmness and and
teach him that he actually could do it
himself and so he still you know he was
able to calm down and actually enjoyed
the bath for another whatever three
minutes then we have to wash his hair um
haven't cut his hair yet we won't until
he's three and so it's quite long and
it's you know have to comb it he doesn't
like it at all um so then started crying
again and same thing as he started
crying said you know you're okay you can
do this pull yourself together and he
was able to largely and call it
70% which is significant because he also
was learning that he could do it and
he's also two and a half and really
tired and taking a bath which he doesn't
really like to do so it's okay for him
to have you know not the best time so
fast forward you know he falls asleep in
2 minutes fast forward to let's say
midnight um and he wakes up he sleeps on
a little kind of toddler mattress next
to next to our bed um and when he wakes
up I'll either drop down to H if he
wakes up in at night usually Hees kicked
his blanket off or something I'll drop
down and if he falls asleep in a moment
he'll stay in his bed if not I'll just
pull him into our bed and he'll fall
asleep next to me and kind of as the I
guess the energy of you know the
freakout earlier wasn't fully expelled
um he just kind of started doing it half
asleep and just really whiny complaining
about the blanket complaining about his
uh teddy bear complaining just just just
just whining and I sleep I sleep with
mouth tape and I didn't want to take it
off um and also my wife and infant were
asleep in the bed as well so I didn't
want to be too loud either um and I
wasn't going to like reason with him at
midnight when he's in the middle of like
a week and a half long freak out more or
less so uh kind of I'm just following my
intuition largely here and again not
really out of anger I was definitely
angry and annoyed but I wasn't acting
out of it I wasn't that wasn't the
primary thing I was letting him know
that I was agitated um but more than
that and this was without words because
my mouth is is taped just so I breathe
through my nose I sleep better I feel
better when I wake up um I just I held
him again I I put him put him in the
blanket pulled him into my arms and held
him very tight at a certain point I
actually got on top of him not you like
kind of hovering over him but also with
enough pressure on him to have that same
sense of firmness without obviously
smothering or you know scaring him in
a uh in in like a dangerous sense um and
just almost started just like growling
at him in a very a very you know deep
kind of Rumble in my in my chest and and
lower throat growl and and same thing I
was able to catch him in that and really
I wasn't making him submit right I
wasn't trying to to show my my my
dominance or my
superiority I was trying to get him to
stop uh that just feedback loop of whiny
freakout which he doesn't like it's a
bad experience for him he clearly
doesn't like it um and he clearly likes
it it feels good for him and it's
obviously really important later in life
but also just in this moment I can tell
he he feels good when he's able to to
master himself to a certain degree when
he's able to take control and so he was
able to do that you at midnight in our
bed as I again kind of showed him how to
do it and I not that I I didn't force
him to do it um I couldn't force him to
do it um this wasn't out of anger this
was I was expressing it I was agitated
for sure but I was also just catching
him in that tone of firmness you know I
wasn't using words but I was telling him
through the the frequency through the
vibration of my being and my interaction
with them that you're okay you have to
pull yourself together you can pull
yourself together and that's just what
we're doing there's another
option um and also you know I would kiss
him on the forehead sometimes and I
would I would pull the tape off my mouth
for a moment and say you know I would
say you're okay I love you um you know
things like that words that he knows um
and I know that this worked for him and
helped him regulate himself because he
did calm down and his breathing pattern
changed and he started to breathe more
slowly and he started to mumble to me
and speak a little bit um and started to
repeat you know I'm okay I'm okay um and
then he fell asleep and he slept through
the night which you he often wakes up
not always but occasionally wake up and
he slept through the night after that
and the next morning he didn't cry for
the first time and it was the eighth day
maybe it was like a week and a half
let's say uh of going to preschool and
for the first time he didn't
cry so there was some learning that
happened some skill he he earned that he
gained of self- control and of
recognizing that he is safe and that his
emotions are actually something that he
can manage and work with and experience
without being overwhelmed by them it was
a really interesting experience for me
uh it was also interesting for my wife
because she was obviously awake I was
you know she said it sounded like I was
I was a wolf growling at my Cub uh and
obviously she she trusts me enough to
not intervene even though it sounds kind
of scary but she also heard arier she
heard our toddler and she heard him
calming down and she heard him relaxing
and she heard him fall asleep um and she
also you know she could hear my tone it
wasn't a threatening tone there was no
threat in it there was firmness there
was power in it and it's an interesting
concept and I was thinking about this
the other day you know especially as so
my family is as father as as the man of
the house
I am the protector right it's safe
inside of my house why is it safe inside
of my house because I protect it right
and I would protect it and at night you
know I have a knife in my nightstand and
I have a bat near my bed like I I have
the capability of danger of
violence and it's interesting because
that's actually what makes me safe the
fact that I have an extreme capability
for violence is what makes me safe for
my family because I know how to project
I I would know I will know I do know and
I would if necessary project that
violence outwards which creates a
container internally of safety and so
there's an interesting dichotomy there
right so usually you don't put violence
and safety in the same sentence but it's
actually my capability of violence my
cap my my power which can be destructive
which can be productive which you know
can be both
simultaneously um is actually what makes
me The Protector it's what make it's
what makes me safe and that's in a sense
what I was imparting to to AR to my
toddler is you know not only do I have
power and I will protect you and and you
know that and he does know that um but
also you have power also you have power
inside of yourself and you have access
to it you have capability to to access
it you can learn the skill of accessing
it the the energy of your freakout of
your whne right now if you get control
over it it feels really good not in some
megalomaniac type of way but in in a in
a control and connecting to
yourself and a balance and a regulation
type of way and so the only way I'm able
to do that to teach him that is because
I'm regulated right so if I was
disregulated if I was acting purely out
of anger I would trying I would my
actions would look more like trying to
control him uh you know stop whining
stop shouting go to sleep stop
complaining about the blanket it would
be this just very flimsy
basically the adult version of whining
myself but I didn't do that uh sometimes
I do that and it's just stupid and I
recognize it and I apologize afterwards
but what I did do was maintain my own
regulation and in a sense that's kind of
what at least one aspect
of good talk therapy is is I provide the
container as a therapist as the as a
grounded regulated person for the other
person to have their experience to talk
about
whatever traumatic event or it doesn't
have to be necessarily know capital T
trauma but to talk about whatever have
their experience and then via my own
regulation to to mirror me and to find
regulation themselves and there is an
element of gentleness to it but there's
also an element of firmness and you need
both um you need the combination of the
two so as I've thought about this more
and discussed it with my
wife basically you know over the past
two weeks since he started preschool and
the wine really increased and then you
know the response the eventual response
which I kind of figured out of the
firmness uh and teaching him his own you
know internal control and regulation
mechanisms um fundamental piece of it is
is actually
respect and I implicitly and in some
sense explicitly um but certainly
implicitly I'm telling him that I
respect him I respect him enough to
believe that he can that he is capable
of regulating himself that he is capable
of controlling himself that he is
capable of doing this thing which I'm uh
demanding of him I wouldn't demand it if
I didn't think he was capable of it that
would just that it would be stupid on my
part it would that would just be out of
anger that would just be aggressive and
that would be dangerous because if if if
my demand can't be met by him and it
isn't good for him then that is
dangerous it's a bad
thing so there's a real element of of
respect implicit and some I do make it
explicit in terms of telling like I know
you can do this I don't I haven't used
the word respect I think it's a little
bit too big for a toddler but now that
I'm thinking about it out loud maybe I
should um but I respect him enough to
believe that he can do it and to and to
show him how to do it and to be there
with him uh as he learns how to do it
and in a sense as I learn how to do it
as well and I'm already regulated I've
already spent a lot of time practicing
and and and working on that um but this
is also a learning curve for me he's my
first and it'll also I'm sure be
different with with you know my younger
son and God willing kids after that
um but another aspect of this not just
the respect in the moment of controlling
himself you know when we the first day
uh we brought him or my wife brought him
to preschool and he was hysterical he
was you know screaming bloody murder he
had Terror in his eyes because he for
the first time ever you know mama was
leaving him which is understandably
terrifying experience uh for a toddler
and we talked about it t night and and
he also cried a lot when when she picked
him up because he he he became okay
during during the first day but when she
went to pick him up he cried again when
he saw her just the emotion was
obviously still pent up and still there
and we spoke and you know my wife said
why why are we doing this to
him and what we concluded was and this
was the thought for signing him up as
well in addition to just you know giving
my wife a bit of a break and you know
socializing like he has a good time he
really loves it
um what we're doing and again this goes
into respect is we're teaching him and
we're helping him learn from his own
experience that we are very very
trustworthy as parents he can respect us
and our Authority and our decision-
making because we're not going to leave
him in a dangerous place and we trust
him enough and we respect him enough
that wherever we do choose to leave him
and whatever challenging situation we
put him in he can stand up to it right
and obviously we're very selective with
where we leave him we didn't just drop
him out a random person's house and say
Here's 50 bucks take care of him for the
week um but he doesn't know that and he
can't comprehend that and he his you
know uh framework of reality is not
sophisticated enough to even have those
thoughts it's just pure Terror and as he
learns to not to not just to cope with
it but to trust us and Trust himself
there is an implicit level of respect
which is garnered through that and which
is through that which you know he's only
two and a half right now but
that that this is setting the framework
this is setting the the base for our
family for how we're going to do things
as you know as they get older you know
right now he can't clean dishes but he
really likes helping he likes pretending
to clean dishes he likes standing at the
sink running the water for way too long
we always have to turn it off but you
know doing something which vaguely
resembles cleaning the dishes or loading
the dishwasher cuz that's what he sees
you know myself and my wife doing um and
so there's also you know this bleeds
into other areas CU when and what I've
started doing actually my wife and I are
both reading a really great book uh so
far it's pretty good um it's called hunt
gather parent I forget the name of the
author but I'm sure you could find it
based on the title um you know kids want
to help he always asks you know he
always says he wants to help he wants to
help me crack the eggs he wants to help
me stir it he wants to help me whatever
to literally do anything and so even
though he takes 10 minutes to you know
take one plate to put it in the
dishwasher and then he wants to
rearrange it and then he also wants to
run over there and do something
else I'm letting him do it and I'm
respecting him enough to say yeah you're
a valuable member of this group of this
team that is our
family with that membership with that
respect come certain responsibilities
and I respect you enough and I trust you
enough and I know you have the skills or
at least the capabil ility to develop
the skills to be not only a useful
member of this family and this team but
a but an integral and important um a
responsible and a cherished member of
this family not just because of you know
you're my son and I on some level will
love you no matter what probably even if
you know God forbid he really takes a
bad turn in life um but because of your
actions because of your behavior because
of who you are and how you are choosing
in a sense whatever level of choice
toddlers have and they do have actually
I think a significant level of choice um
you're choosing to show up in a way
which is in Partnership which is
in mutual respect and uh some very very
early semblance of
responsibility and all of that as he
develops into an adult as I you know
turn into an older adult um those have
to be intentionally done those have to
be thought about they have to be
reminded they have to be crafted in a
certain way otherwise things will very
easily go you know go Haywire um maybe
in other cultures or other epochs in
human history was just more ingrained I
don't know I don't care because it that
isn't how it is for us and for our
family this has to be kind of created
from not from scratch but definitely
very intentionally and with a constant
reminding of it and a constant crafting
of it and a constant evaluating not in a
hyper academic sense but in just a real
observing sense you know what are his
natural inclinations what are his skill
sets what's his growth Edge right now
and not that everything is about you
know Peak Performance competition but he
loves learning he loves getting that
control over himself now he loves going
to preschool this morning he asked to go
to preschool at 6:15 it doesn't start
till 9:00 a.m. whereas if preschool was
mentioned you know two days ago at 6:15
in the morning he'd start crying and
wouldn't stop crying until about 9:30
so there's an
obvious benefit to him
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