Buck up, show up, & listen | Kim Toms | TEDxASUWest

Summary

The narrator recounts a life shaped by the rugged individualism of classic movies, leading to a solitary yet adventurous existence. After a divorce, she finds love with Doug, a man of principles and courage. Their life together is a whirlwind of travel and impulsive adventures, until Doug's sudden death leaves her devastated. The community rallies around her, providing comfort and support, teaching her the value of interdependence. The story concludes with a call to action for those grieving: to seek and accept help, and for others to offer support without the expectation of fixing the pain.

Takeaways

• 🎥 The protagonist was influenced by movies depicting heroes as tough, lonely, and tired.
• 🏞️ As a teen, they embraced solitude, going to concerts and taking road trips alone.
• 💔 The protagonist experienced divorce and became a single parent in the 90s.
• 🎬 Movies remained a significant part of their life, bonding with their kids over shared lines and interests.
• 🤠 They had a crush on Ben Johnson, a cowboy actor, who represented an idealized version of masculinity.
• 👷 Doug, a mechanic with a strong sense of justice, caught their attention at work.
• 💑 Their relationship with Doug was characterized by shared values, spontaneity, and a love for adventure.
• 🏠 Their home was a base for a life full of travel and shared experiences.
• 💔 The sudden loss of Doug left them feeling lost and overwhelmed with grief.
• 👥 The community rallied around them, providing support and comfort during their time of need.
• 🌟 The protagonist learned that interdependence and the kindness of others can be a source of strength.
• 🎭 The script suggests that when someone is grieving, it's important to show up, listen, and provide support.

Q & A

What did the author learn from the movies about heroes during their childhood?

The author learned that heroes were rugged, independent, and often tough, lonely, and tired, as depicted in the detective stories and westerns they watched as a kid.

How did the author's life reflect the lessons learned from movies during their teenage years?

The author's teenage years reflected the lessons learned from movies by attending concerts alone and taking road trips by themselves, demonstrating their rugged independence.

What significant life event happened to the author in the 90s?

In the 90s, the author got divorced and became a single parent with teenage kids.

Who was the author's celebrity crush, and why was he admired?

The author's celebrity crush was Ben Johnson, a cowboy, rodeo champ, and actor who was admired for being a good old-fashioned guy both on and off the screen.

How did the author meet Doug, and what were his notable characteristics?

The author met Doug at the car dealership where she worked. He was a bald, goatee mechanic who stood up for others, including the janitor and car washers, and showed principles and courage.

What did the author and Doug have in common that made their relationship strong?

The author and Doug were both tough and shared a similar spirit of adventure and impulsiveness, which made their house feel like a base camp for their many spontaneous trips and adventures.

How did Doug's death affect the author emotionally, and what were some of the triggers that caused her grief?

Doug's death left the author reeling and emotionally distraught. Triggers for her grief included everyday items like Irish Spring soap that smelled like Doug, and places they used to frequent together, like the airport.

What kind of support did the author receive from her community after Doug's death?

The author received significant support from her community, including colleagues bringing her dinners and flowers, friends attending a grief workshop with her, and even strangers bringing her food and checking on her well-being.

What was the author's reaction to people who tried to find a 'bright side' to Doug's death?

The author's heart 'clanged shut' when people tried to find a silver lining in Doug's death. She wanted acknowledgment of her unbearable loss rather than attempts to make her feel better.

How has the author's life changed in the three and a half years following Doug's death?

In the years following Doug's death, the author has mostly recovered, remodeled her house, organized her belongings, and found her community has grown, with new connections formed through acts of kindness and support.

What advice does the author give for supporting someone who is grieving?

The author advises to 'buck up, show up, and listen' when supporting someone who is grieving. This means gathering courage to draw them back to the community, showing up to help with practical matters, and listening or sitting in silence to bear each other's grief.