Is It Possible to Avoid the Friend Zone?
Summary
TLDRВ этом видео обсуждается проблема 'дружеского зона', когда люди, начинающие отношения в рамках дружбы, развивают романтические чувства, что часто ведет к разочарованию и фрustrации. Автор рассматривает научные аспекты любви, объясняя, почему некоторые люди попадают в 'другую зону' и как избежать этого. Он предлагает стратегии самосознания, откровенности и управления своими эмоциями, чтобы избежать негативных последствий неоправданных ожиданий и разрыва с друзьями, которые могут возникнуть из-за романтической зависимости.
Takeaways
- 😔 Френдзон - это сложная и часто раздражающая тема, которая вызывает фрustrацию у мужчин, которые хотят превратить дружеские отношения в романтические.
- 🚫 Попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические часто не дают результата и могут нарушить дружеские отношения.
- 🔁 Многие люди попадают в цикл френдзона, в котором они вкладывают свое время и эмоции в отношения, которые не дают желаемых результатов.
- 🧠 Наука о любви и поведении показывает, что эмоциональное вовлечение и взаимодействие могут усилить чувства романтики, особенно у мужчин.
- 👥 Женщины часто воспринимают эмоциональное близость как дружбу, в то время как мужчины могут воспринимать это как основание для романтики.
- 💔 Отсутствие взаимности в отношениях может привести к разочарованию и психологическим травмам, особенно в случае неоправданной любви.
- 🔄 Цикл френдзона повторяется из-за отсутствия понимания того, как эмоциональное вложение и взаимодействие влияют на чувства.
- 🤔 Причина попадания в френдзон может быть связана с типом привязанности, стилем общения и личными предпочтениями в отношении romantического и дружеского взаимодействия.
- 🌱 Для избегания френдзона необходимо быть эмоционально сознательным, обнаруживать и обсуждать на ранних стадиях возникающие романтические чувства.
- 🔄 Увеличение времени и эмоционального вложения в отношения с кем-то, на кого возникли романтические чувства, усиливает эти чувства, что может привести к френдзону.
- 🛑 Если вы понимаете, что испытываете романтические чувства к другу, важно либо обсудить это с ними на ранней стадии, либо отодвинуть отношении на время, чтобы избежать разочарования и психологического стресса.
Q & A
Что означает термин 'друговая зона' и почему он вызывает такие сильные дискуссии между мужчинами и женщинами?
-Термин 'друговая зона' относится к ситуации, когда человек, с которым у другого возникли романтические чувства, считает их только другом и не хочет развивать с ними отношения. Это вызывает дискуссии, потому что мужчины часто разочарованы тем, что не могут превратить их дружбу в романтическое отношение, в то время как женщины могут не хотеть нарушать эту дружбу.
Почему попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические не всегда работают?
-Попытки превратить дружеские отношения в романтические не работают, потому что многие женщины ценят свои дружеские связи и не хотят, чтобы они переходили в романтический план. Кроме того, когда отношения уже установлены как дружеские, это заложение может быть трудно изменить.
Какие научные исследования говорят о том, что эмоциональное волнение у мужчин может привести к более романтичным чувствам?
-Исследование, в котором группа мужчин проходила через встречу на двух разных мостах - стабильном низком и высоком непрочном - показало, что эмоциональное волнение, включая страх или другую эмоциональную активность, увеличивает вероятность возникновения романтических чувств у мужчин.
Почему люди могут ощущать разные вещи, когда они эмоционально близко к другому человеку?
-Люди могут интерпретировать эмоциональную близость по-разному в зависимости от их культурного опыта и личных предпочтений. Некоторые видят это как дружбу, в то время как другие могут воспринимать это как основание для романтических чувств.
Чем определяется, растут ли романтические чувства или уменьшаются?
-Романтические чувства могут расти в результате эмоциональной активации, увеличения времени, проведенного с человеком, и типа присоединенности. Если человек испытывает эмоциональные колебания или интенсивно взаимодействует с кем-то, это может усилить его чувства.
Какое значение имеет тип присоединенности для того, как человек воспринимает свои отношения?
-Тип присоединенности - это теория, которая объясняет, как люди формируют отношения. Он влияет на то, как человек может воспринимать свою близость с кем-то и как он может реагировать на появление романтических чувств.
Какие научные факты говорят о том, что увеличение времени, проведенного с кем-то, усиливает чувства любви?
-Научные исследования показывают, что больше времени, проведенное вместе, увеличивает чувства любви, особенно если человек уже испытывает романтические чувства. Однако это не приводит к тому, чтобы друг друга начали любить, если изначально чувства не были взаимными.
Почему люди, которые оказываются в 'друговой зоне', часто повторяют этот цикл?
-Это происходит из-за отсутствия осознания своих чувств и неспособности изменить поведение вовремя. Когда люди не замечают, что их чувства к другому человеку становятся романтическими, они продолжают инвестировать в это отношение, что ведет к разочарованию и циклу 'друговой зоны'.
Как можно избежать оказаться в 'друговой зоне'?
-Чтобы избежать 'друговой зоны', необходимо быть эмоционально осознающим, обращать внимание на свои чувства и, как только появляются романтические чувства, начинать разговор с человеком об этом, чтобы найти решение и предотвратить развитие нежелательных чувств.
Чем отличается подход к избеганию 'друговой зоны' в современном понимании от старых методов?
-Современное понимание подчеркивает важность осознания собственных чувств и открытости в разговоре с другом на ранних этапах развития отношений. Старые методы часто предполагали изменение поведения или тактики, не учитывающие индивидуальные различия и научные факты.
Какие научные исследования подтверждают, что чувства могут изменяться и исчезать, если человек уделяет внимание другим отношениям?
-Исследования в области присоединенности и эмоционального интеллекта показывают, что если человек уделяет внимание развитию новых отношений и контролирует свои текущие чувства, он может избежать того, чтобы оказаться в 'друговой зоне' и открыть себе возможность для новых романтических связей.
Outlines
🚫 Проблема 'друговой зоны' и ее избегание
В первом параграфе обсуждается проблема 'друговой зоны', которая вызывает много раздражения между мужчинами и женщинами. Многие мужчины испытывают разочарование, оказываясь в таком положении, и часто ищут способы превратить чисто дружеские отношения в романтические. Однако, по мнению автора, это не всегда возможно, так как женщины ценят свои дружеские связи и могут активно сопротивляться переходу к романтике. Автор предлагает проанализировать 'науку любви', чтобы понять, почему возникают чувства, и как избежать развития романтических чувств к другу, что является более эффективным подходом, чем попытки изменить уже существующее дружеское отношение.
🔬 Исследование о связях эмоций и романтических чувств
Второй параграф посвящён ученым выводам о том, что эмоциональное волнение, особенно у мужчин, может усилить романтические чувства, даже в отсутствие привлекательности или сексуальной привлекательности. Исследование, проведённое с использованием двух групп мужчин и двух разных мостов, показало, что эмоциональное волнение может привести к более глубоким романтическим ощущениям. Автор также затрагивает тему эмоциональной инвестиции в отношения, которая может быть разной для разных людей и влияет на развитие их чувств друг к другу.
🔄 Цикл 'друговой зоны' и его последствия
Третий параграф рассматривает циклический характер попадания в 'друговую зону' и его повторяющиеся шаблоны. Автор описывает, как люди могут вложиться в отношения, надеяться на взаимность чувств и в конечном итоге испытывать разочарование и психологический травматизм от отсутствия ответа на свои чувства. Этот цикл может привести к значительным потерям времени и эмоций, что влияет на способность людей к дальнейшим романтическим связям.
💡 Понимание 'друговой зоны' и стратегии избегания
В четвёртом параграфе автор предлагает различные подходы к избеганию 'друговой зоны', начиная с осознания процесса и заканчивая стратегиями по избеганию эмоциональной инвестиции в один человек. Обсуждается важность понимания своего притяжения к человеку, с которым вы хотите иметь романтическую связь, и способы контроля над своими чувствами для предотвращения негативных последствий.
🗣️ Имеющиеся чувства и их обсуждение с другом
Пятый параграф фокусируется на важности обсуждения возникших романтических чувств с другом сразу же после их появления. Автор подчёркивает, что честное обсуждение может предотвратить дальнейшее развитие чувств и позволить сохранить дружбу, а также предоставить возможность для новых романтических связей.
🛡️ Научные факторы и стратегии для избегания 'друговой зоны'
В заключительном параграфе автор подчёркивает, что понимание научных факторов, влияющих на развитие любовных чувств, является ключом к избежанию 'друговой зоны'. Он предлагает стратегии, такие как раннее обсуждение чувств и управление своими эмоциональными вложениями, чтобы избежать негативных последствий и открыть двери для новых, более успешных отношений.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡друговая зона
💡романтические чувства
💡эмоциональная интимность
💡эмоциональная активация
💡экспозиция
💡присоединение
💡эмоциональное осознание
💡независимость чувств
💡цикл
💡управление чувствами
Highlights
The friend zone is a contentious issue, particularly between men and women, causing frustration for men and often resistance from women who value platonic relationships.
Many men find themselves in a repetitive cycle of getting friend-zoned, leading to emotional distress and wasted time.
The speaker aims to teach the science of love to help avoid romantic feelings for friends and to understand why we develop such feelings.
A study shows that emotional activation, especially in men, can lead to increased romantic feelings, irrespective of physical attractiveness.
Emotional intimacy in a platonic relationship can be interpreted as friendship by women but may lead to romantic feelings in men.
People can emotionally invest in only one person at a time from a romantic perspective, making it hard to shift from one romantic interest to another.
Increased exposure to someone you have romantic feelings for can intensify those feelings, while it may not affect the other person's feelings if they see the relationship as platonic.
Attachment style, based on attachment theory, influences how individuals form relationships and can predispose them to fall in love in certain ways.
Anxious ambivalent attachment style can lead to idealizing a person and finding it hard to let go, especially if they are one of few relationships in one's life.
The speaker suggests that understanding the science behind love can help avoid getting into the friend zone in the first place.
Being emotionally aware and having open conversations about feelings when they arise can prevent the development of unrequited love.
Taking a step back from a friendship when romantic feelings are recognized can help to manage and eventually let go of those feelings.
Creating space in one's life for new relationships can prevent intensifying romantic feelings for a friend and allow for healthier romantic attachments to form.
The speaker emphasizes that understanding the scientific factors behind love can help control who you fall in love with and avoid the friend zone cycle.
The solution to the friend zone is not just about getting out of it but preventing entry into it by being aware and proactive about one's feelings.
The speaker refutes the idea that love is a mystery, arguing that current knowledge in neuroscience and psychology can shape who we fall in love with.
The final advice is to recognize romantic feelings early, communicate about them, and understand the factors that can lead to the intensification of love to avoid the friend zone.
Transcripts
today we're going to talk about
something that is a highly contentious
highly challenging and really
interesting subject how to avoid the
friend zone
the friend zone is a really contentious
topic especially between men and women
because for a lot of men they're really
frustrated by being friend zoned and a
lot of the advice out there is about how
to get out of the friend zone how can I
take this platonic relationship and
convert it into a romantic relationship
unfortunately that doesn't work very
well especially because a lot of women
hate being girlfriends owned so when
they what they sort of see is a platonic
relationship and they have no interest
they value that platonic relationship
and they actually have no interest or
will actively resist any kind of
romantic relationship and this leads to
a lot of frustration usually on both
sides and what I tend to see a lot which
is actually really really scary is that
this is a repetitive cycle especially
for some men where we'll kind of see
these these kind of situations where
like I was reading a post the other day
for example where someone was saying I
feel like every time I get really
attached to a woman dot dot dot and the
interesting thing about these posts if
you talk about people who are frustrated
with the friend zone is they start with
I am really attached to this woman I had
this person who was a friend and I
started to get feelings for her and then
here's all the aftermath that happened
and then the question kind of becomes
okay how do I get out of the friend zone
which doesn't tend to work very well so
it's really frustrating because first of
all people will find themselves in this
cycle over and over and over again that
a lot of the advice about you know how
to kind of get out of the friend zone
does it seem to land very well and
furthermore it kind of runs against the
interests of the person that you
actually have a friendship with
and so this can be incredibly
frustrating and what I'd love to do
today is to teach y'all a little bit
about first of all like the science of
love and to understand why we catch
feelings but most importantly to help
y'all avoid getting into a situation
where you actually have romantic
feelings for someone who's a friend and
you may say but hold on a second like is
first of all is that possible and
secondly like but I really like this
person and I really want to create a
relationship with them and we're going
to dig into all of those things hey
there thanks for watching and I'm glad
these videos have been helpful a lot of
times I'll read the comments and see
people asking well what do I actually do
about it which is a great question and
unfortunately the resources out there
haven't been that great which is
precisely why I started HD in the first
place HG coaches are trained on a
curriculum that integrates my
understanding of what motivates us what
paralyzes us and most importantly what
leads to Lasting behavioral change if
you're ready to take the next step HG
coaches can help you build the life that
you want they've helped people build
careers help people find relationships
build networks of friends and even do
things like discover their passions or
pursue Hobbies so if this sounds like
something that you'd be interested in
check out the link in the description
below
so the first thing that I kind of want
to point out is that for a lot of people
unfortunately this really feels like a
cycle okay so this is sort of what it
looks like I maybe I'm friends with a
woman and then I start to catch feelings
for her and then I start to like you
know spend a little bit more time with
her I'm a little bit afraid of like
confessing my feelings so some people
will kind of advise me to like you know
just shoot your shot and move on kind of
thing but that can be really hard for
some people so you end up sort of in
this relationship where you're afraid of
rejection so what you end up actually
doing is investing in the relationship
well maybe one day she'll start catching
feelings for me too maybe if I like kind
of show her that I'm such a good dude
and by the way she will frequently say
oh yeah I wish I could find a boyfriend
that was just like you and that's like
so incredibly frustrating for someone
who's who's their friend right because
you're like well then why don't you date
me if you're looking for something like
me there's actually really good
scientific reasons for that and a lot of
frustration that we experience come
comes out of a lack of that
understanding
so going back to the cycle so you're
like kind of investing in this
relationship a few months go by you
finally kind of like confess your
feelings right because things rise to a
critical level where then you like vomit
Your Love out on the other person they
experience a sense of whiplash they
reject you you then feel terrible which
by the way when you get rejected by
someone especially in a situation of
unrequited love it causes all kinds of
like damage to your self-esteem and
disorganization of your thoughts and
stuff it's actually quite traumatic and
so then you spend some amount of time
recovering for that right so like now
you invested six months in the
relationship now you're kind of damaged
now three months go by for you to like
put yourself back together and then you
meet someone else you sort of are
friends with them again and then like
the whole cycle repeats and the real
problem is that every time
you kind of like a friend zone
relationship falls apart you've invested
like nine months or a year or even more
of your life that you can never get back
and as the cycle repeats over and over
and over again there's some people out
there who are like in the friend zone so
often that four years will go by five
years will go by and they're like I
don't understand why I can't find a
relationship
so what what I'd love to do is help you
all understand a little bit about what's
going on in the friend zone explain a
little bit about the science of love and
also tell you all how to avoid that
situation and really open yourself up
for a relationship
so let's start with a really really
interesting study so researchers did
something really cool which is they took
a group of men and they split them into
two groups and what they did is they
sent one group on a stable low height
Bridge
to have some kind of romantic
interaction with a woman they took the
second group of men and they sent them
to a very very high altitude rickety
Bridge Okay so the only difference in
this experiment is that one bridge is
like safe and stable the other bridge is
like kind of scary and the researchers
actually found something really really
interesting which is that any kind of
emotional activation on the part of
especially men leads to more romantic
feelings so this has nothing to do with
attractiveness it has nothing to do with
how pretty they are or or like sexual
Marketplace value or any of that crap
which is mostly pseudoscience by the way
what it what what they really found is
that the more emotionally active a man
is the more likely they are to
experience romantic feelings now a lot
of women can be this way too but this
specific study was focused on men so
what does that mean and what does that
explain so the first thing is that when
you have a platonic relationship between
a man and a woman what a lot of women
will do is share a lot of emotions right
so this is like an emotionally intimate
relationship where we can cry together
we can like talk about our deepest
darkest fears and for a lot of women
they will interpret this as friendship
this is what friends do friends are
emotionally intimate with each other the
cultural and conditioning experience of
most men is that emotional vulnerability
doesn't necessarily come with in any way
shape or form
um any kind of like platonic interaction
right so for a lot of men and this is
what the research kind of supports is
that any sort of emotional interaction
increases the kind of romantic Bond
because keep in mind in terms of the
High Altitude rickety Bridge that's not
like it's not like a romantic situation
right it just evokes fear and other
kinds of emotions but the experience of
any sort of negative emotion especially
for men or vulnerability can lead to
sort of a romantic feeling so now we can
see one really important thing which is
when two people are emotionally intimate
that some people are actually okay being
emotionally intimate without it sort of
leading to romantic feelings whereas
other people the more emotionally
intimate they are the more they
correlate that with Romance the second
thing that we're going to talk about is
that you can really only emotionally
invest in one person at a time from a
romantic perspective so there's like
research that sort of shows that
basically if you're like romantically
into one person then it's hard to become
romantically involved with someone else
now I know that there are a lot of like
TV shows out there and things like that
that show these love triangles as if
they are standard but if you really look
at the research like usually what
happens is like you start falling out of
love with one person before you fall in
love with someone else right if you look
at like research on Affairs and things
like that what you tend to find is that
falling out of Love Actually precedes
falling in love with someone one else
and if you sort of think about it right
so if you're in love with one person
someone else could be in love with you
and you'll be completely oblivious to it
because you have no space for them so
the real challenge with sort of
girlfriend zoning or having romantic
feelings for a friend of yours is that
while you are emotionally invested in
that person and reciprocity is like
completely separate so we're not we're
not even talking about that yet you
don't have the space in your life to
fall in love with someone else and this
is what leads to that kind of cycle and
what leads to so much wasted time
because once you start catching feelings
for for someone
then you it's going to be really hard to
catch feelings for someone else and the
more that you stay kind of connected to
that relationship the worse off things
are going to get
so once you catch feelings what
determines whether those feelings will
kind of grow or what determines like
whether those feelings will shrink
so this is where the first thing that we
kind of talked about was that emotional
activation which can be any kind of
emotion by the way so what tends to
happen is once you start catching
feelings for someone
even if you like listen to her complain
about her ex-boyfriend if that's like
emotionally empathically engaging for
you you will fall more in love with them
the second thing that's important to
note is that the more exposure you have
with someone that you have romantic
feelings for the more likely those
feelings will grow so now we see like
another really interesting implication
with the friend zone relationship which
is that if I have romantic feelings
towards you and you don't have romantic
feelings towards me the more time we
spend together the more my romantic love
will grow and the more neutral yours
will remain right so this is really
important because we don't really
understand like we this is not something
that we get but this is scientifically
sort of true which is that once you
start on the path of love more time
together increases that love but it's
not like spending one year together if
one person is in love and the other
person isn't in love spending one year
together is not going to like increase
the amount of Love on on both sides and
this is something that's really easy to
understand if we think about a mutual or
reciprocal love right when you fall in
love with someone and they fall in love
with you it's kind of like intense and
you guys want to spend more time
together y'all are hanging out all the
time and the more time you spend
together the more in love with each
other you fall now take that scenario
and just move it to a situation of
unrequited love that's where when one
person is loved the exposure still
increases that love but for the person
who like feels like this is a platonic
relationship it's never going to
qualitatively convert a platonic love to
a romantic love
and the third aspect that we're going to
talk a little bit about is actually
attachment style so this is one reason
why I think so much of the advice around
the friend zone doesn't land if you look
at it a lot of people will say oh if you
keep on getting friend zoned just do
this or just do this or if you do this
like this is what you got to start stop
doing and this is what you got to start
doing everyone will give generic advice
what people I've never heard a single
person give advice about the friend zone
with any kind of consideration that the
advice needs to be tailored to the way
that you form relationships so the
science of attachment Theory
is like the science of like how human
beings form relationships and one
Central tentative attachment theory is
that not all human beings form
relationships in the same way and so if
we look at the science of attachment
Theory what we discover is that
depending on your attachment style
you're prone to fall in love in certain
kinds of ways so one example is if you
have an anxious ambivalent attachment
style which is sort of what we kind of
think of as someone who's like afraid of
rejection maybe low self-esteem you're
kind of like hyper Vigilant to what
other people think about you you're
really worried about relationships you
stress a lot around relationships and if
you do this what we actually discover is
that the more ideal this person seems to
you the harder it is to let them go and
you may kind of scratch your head for a
second and say well hold on a second
doesn't if this person seems more ideal
to me wouldn't I like wouldn't that make
it harder for anyone to let go and this
is what's kind of bizarre but the answer
is actually actually no different people
can let go of Ideal things because they
feel more secure in themselves and the
more secure in themselves they feel the
more able they are to like let something
good go the other really interesting
aspect of anxious ambivalent attachment
is that
part of the reason these people feel so
ideal to you is because you don't have
other people in your life right so what
anxious and ambivalent attachment people
will do is they will form
tight relationships with very few number
of people and I'll put it to you kind of
Simply like let's think about it this
way let's say I I'm hanging out with 10
different women
how perfect will any one of those women
seem let's say I'm hanging out with one
woman how perfect will that woman seem
and this can be reversed for men and
women too where even if I'm a woman and
I'm hanging out with 10 different dudes
and I have 10 different relationships
platonic romantic flirting whatever
but if I only if there's like really
only one dude in my life it's way easier
to get romantically attached to that
person and idealize that person so this
is what's really tricky is even this
process of friend zone we begin to see
that some of the way that even you were
raised can influence why you get into
the friend zone all this stuff once we
start to put it together can paint us a
clearer picture the first is that you
may not have too many women in your life
and then what happens or men then what
happens is you start hanging out with
one person the more that you hang out
with one person the more other people
leave your life and the more this
person's esteem rises in your eyes
as you start to catch romantic feelings
now suddenly each of your interactions
means different things to both of you
the more that you become emotionally
vulnerable with this person the more
romantically attached you become whereas
for them it's just a friendship so even
one shared experience is affecting the
two people in very different ways
the other problem that we tend to run
into is as we get romantically involved
with people we increase our exposure to
them and we know that increased exposure
when you're in love leads to Stronger
feelings of love and as we put all of
these things together what you end up
doing is investing in a platonic
relationship with a romantic idea in
mind the more you invest in that
relationship and the less like recip
reciprocity there is the more resentful
you become and the more you actually
like cut out other things out of your
life and then you wind up in the friend
zone you end up losing six months nine
months or a year
so now the question becomes okay fine
let's assume that this is true there's a
lot of like nuance and science behind
this that maybe people don't understand
I know that like in the dating world and
stuff like that everyone is talking
about alphas and betas and stuff like
that that stuff has basically been
scientifically debunked it's not
scientifically valid okay so now the
question becomes okay so what should you
do about it and this is where I want to
come back to where most people's story
starts which is
I've caught feelings for this person now
what do I do and that's the kind of
thing where oftentimes when we see
people like talk about it when they
reach help it's not when they first
catch feelings it's when the feelings
have grown so much that it kind of
becomes overwhelming this is sort of a
situation of like imagine like weeds in
your garden if you leave those weeds
untended in your garden and they grow
and they sprout what are they going to
do they're going to start to choke out
all the plant life that you want they'll
be so big and their Roots will be so
deep that they it takes so much effort
just to like tear them out so oddly
enough what we actually want to help you
all do is avoid catching feelings in the
first place or the second that you find
that you catch feelings that you alter
your behavior to prevent the situation
from happening
so this is where the first thing that we
need to do is be emotionally aware right
so this is why a lot of the stuff that
we do at HG like our community event
right in the fields or what we try to do
in like group coaching or personal
coaching is we help raise people's EQ or
emotional quotient we help people like
understand their feelings more and be
aware of their feelings more and most
importantly we help them once they're
aware of their feelings not let their
feelings control their actions
so what you need to do is the moment you
start to have romantic feelings for
someone in your life the natural ideas
to hide these right because oh this
person is just my friend and if I tell
them like they're going to reject me and
we're just friends and people and girls
don't like to be girlfriends on so I
can't say anything
and this is where actually you can say
something and what you can say can be
really really impactful helpful and
actually maintain the Friendship so the
moment you notice that you're catching
feelings for someone what you should
talk to them about it and this is what
you can say hey so I know we've been
friends for a little while but I'm
starting to notice like some kind of
romantic feelings
what do you think about that right so
have a conversation with your friend I
know it sounds terrifying but approach
them kind of as a friend like hey like
we have a relationship right like hey I
have this pile of feelings and like what
do you think we should do about these
feelings should I suppress them should I
let them go could you possibly feel the
same way have you ever felt that way
about me and just have a Frank
conversation about it you can actually
give them the space to say oh like this
is what could happen right maybe they'll
say yeah sometimes I've had those
feelings too I've actually seen that
happen and then people will talk about
okay how can we try to try this
relationship or not can it work can it
not work you can have a really mature
conversation and I know it sounds kind
of bizarre
but the earlier on you do it the more
likely you are to actually successfully
transition the relationship because once
people have a solidified idea of what
the relationship is and that can be
Divergent right so once you've let your
love for this person grow out of control
then it's really hard to just be friends
and similarly for the other person once
they've let that friendship really
solidify it becomes even harder for them
to become romantic so what I tend to see
in relationships that transition from
Friendship to romantic love is that it
usually happens within the first three
months or most people will happen in the
first six months transitioning to
romantic love later tends to like the
chances tend to go down with time so the
earlier you have this conversation
actually the more likely it is to like
succeed in terms of switching it over to
romance
the second thing that this allows you to
do is let's say that they reject you and
they say they're not really rejecting
you per se and that's a whole other
conversation they're saying hey I'm not
interested in this relationship so this
is a really really key fork in the road
because at this point what you
absolutely need to do is say okay fine
thank you for letting me know I think I
need to take a step back from some of
our interactions while I sort through
these feelings
and so this is where someone may say oh
my God does this mean you're abandoning
me as my friend am I losing my friend no
you're not they're not losing you as a
friend honest to God they're not you
just need some time away from them to
sort through your feelings and then you
can let them know like hey this
friendship matters to me a lot I need to
like sort of take care of some of these
romantic feelings kind of on my own and
once I've done that I'm happy to
re-engage okay I need some time as your
friend now this is a really really
important step why because of everything
that we've talked about in terms of the
science so once you step out of the
relationship at month two you kind of
like take a step back
those romantic feelings will actually
Wilt over time because remember that
increased exposure intensifies romantic
feelings the second thing that's going
to happen is as you take a step back
from them that emotional vulnerability
and that emotional activation will also
decrease and that emotional activation
is what leads to these feelings of
romantic love
the third thing that'll happen and this
is really really really important
is that you will create the space in
your own heart mind biology
gonads wherever we don't know where it
works but we sort of know this
scientifically you will create the space
to form romantic attachments with other
people and this is what's really
important once you create that space and
you don't intensify the love with your
friend
you can actually like fall in love with
someone else and once you fall in love
with that person
hopefully you can sort of like try this
whole thing again then you can actually
go back to your friend and you can
resume the Friendship without catching
feelings for them so I know it sounds
kind of bizarre but this is like
actually works there's actually a lot of
science behind this stuff and the
problem that a lot of people have with
the friend zone is they don't understand
it's not just about falling in love
initially it's about the way that as you
engage with this person what happens to
your sensation of love it intensifies it
builds up builds up builds up and then
we confess no one who's in the friend
zone has a casual conversation about
being in love right it's always a
confession because those feelings have
grown so much that they become
overwhelming I can't resist them anymore
and now I must confess my love and then
this other person is like blindsided by
it and then they reject you and then you
feel really hurt and you've invested six
months and then you're damaged and your
thoughts are disorganized and your sense
of self is Disturbed your self-esteem is
in the pits and then you spend six
months recovering from that and by the
way there's someone else on around month
four month five that starts to listen to
your problems
right they're like oh my God yeah we're
such good friends and you confess to
them how much this girl hurt you and
then they listen to you and you all cry
together and what does that do what did
we learn from the High Altitude rickety
bridge now you start to form romantic
attachments with this person
but this person is your friend
and then you're like okay no no no no
I'm not gonna tell them they're just my
friend you spend more time with them you
increase exposure you'll get closer and
closer emotionally
but you can't say anything and then the
cycle repeats itself
so it sounds super bizarre
but I think the solution to the friend
zone is not to get out of the friend
zone it's to never get into it and this
is where you may say but Dr K you can't
control who you fall in love with
this is what's bizarre actually you can
and I want you all to think about that
for a second
we know so much about Neuroscience we
know so much about psychology we know
about where trauma comes from we know
where narcissism comes from we know
where low self-esteem comes from hell we
even know the mechanism to which
psychedelics create ego death in a
connection to all other human beings we
know things about behavioral economics
we know things about how to predict like
what the market is going to do we know
how to get people to buy Oreos we know
so many things about neuroscience and
psychology there's just one area where
neuroscience and psychology falls apart
which is love it's too mysterious right
we can't understand it we can understand
everything else about human beings but
we can't understand love that's absolute
BS we actually understand love really
well and you can actually shape who you
fall in love with now that initial
attraction you may not be able to shape
but if you really want to avoid this
whole friend zone cycle you have to
start by first of all being emotionally
aware of yourself and the moment you
have romantic feelings you should
recognize those second thing you've got
to do is have a conversation right then
and there
and that can be incredibly challenging
because oh my God I'm afraid of
rejection it's not a rejection right
you're not asking them out and this is a
key part of it you are trying to solve a
problem with your friend you're saying
hey I have this pile of feelings it's
just feelings feelings will come and
feelings will go if you've been in the
cycle of the friend zone three or four
times what happened to the first person
that friendzoned you are you still
pining over them no those feelings go
away then you fall in love with someone
else and then you repeat the cycle
so feelings can come and go and that's
okay the key thing to understand to
avoid this whole situation is awareness
of the feelings
have a conversation about it early and
for you to understand what are the
scientific factors that can make this
stuff get out of control and once you
start controlling for those factors you
won't invest into the wrong relationship
and in fact you will open yourself up to
additional relationships that can get
off on the right foot
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