How to navigate loneliness, according to neuroscience | Kasley Killam

Summary

Kasley Killam, author of 'The Art and Science of Connection,' discusses societal perceptions of loneliness and its impact on mental and physical health. She emphasizes the importance of broadening one's perception box to feel more connected and overcoming isolation. Killam suggests that self-compassion and meditation can foster a strong relationship with oneself, which is crucial for meaningful connections with others. Volunteering and helping others can also combat loneliness, as it shifts focus from negative thought patterns to community engagement.

Takeaways

• 🧠 **Perception of Loneliness**: From a young age, society programs us to believe that being alone is undesirable, leading to a stigmatization of those who are by themselves.
• 🤔 **Impact on Thought Patterns**: Feeling lonely can lead to negative thought patterns and behaviors, which in turn can affect our brain and body, and potentially exacerbate feelings of isolation.
• 🌐 **Broadening Perception**: It's possible to expand one's perception and feel more connected, thus overcoming loneliness, as suggested by Kasley Killam, author of 'The Art and Science of Connection'.
• 🚶 **Behavioral Consequences**: A person feeling disconnected may enter social situations with heightened anxiety and self-consciousness, which can negatively affect their interactions.
• 💪 **Confidence and Connection**: Approaching social opportunities with confidence and a positive self-image can empower individuals to connect more effectively and overcome loneliness.
• 🌍 **Cultural Influence**: Cultural norms and values significantly shape our understanding of loneliness and connection, with individualistic cultures potentially fostering more feelings of loneliness.
• 🏠 **Collectivist vs. Individualist**: Collectivist cultures emphasize family and group harmony, which can lead to different health outcomes when loneliness is experienced compared to individualistic cultures.
• 🧬 **Biological Effects**: Loneliness can trigger a stress response, increasing cortisol levels and inflammation, which can weaken the immune system and make individuals more susceptible to disease.
• 🤝 **Social Health Importance**: Recognizing social health as integral to overall well-being can motivate individuals to seek out connections and prioritize relationships.
• 🧠 **Neuroscience of Connection**: Research shows that feeling connected to someone can reduce fear and pain perception, indicating the profound impact of social bonds on our brain activity.
• 💡 **Self-Compassion**: Developing a close relationship with oneself through practices like meditation can enhance self-compassion and facilitate deeper connections with others.
• 🌱 **Acts of Service**: Engaging in acts of service or volunteering can help individuals overcome loneliness by broadening their perspective and fostering a sense of community.

Q & A

What is the societal stigma associated with being alone according to the script?

The script suggests that from a young age, we are programmed to think that a person who is alone is a 'loner' and may not be likable or lack what is needed to be part of a group, implying that there is something wrong with them if they are alone.

How does the feeling of loneliness influence our behavior and thoughts?

Loneliness can lead to rumination and catastrophizing in social situations, causing us to get caught up in negative thought patterns and beliefs that influence our behaviors, brains, and bodies.

Who is Kasley Killam and what is her expertise?

Kasley Killam is the author of 'The Art and Science of Connection' and an expert in social health, focusing on how perceptions and stories we tell ourselves about loneliness can change our behaviors.

How does the mindset of limiting beliefs affect social interactions?

A mindset of limiting beliefs can make a person come across more negatively in social interactions, causing them to feel anxious, hypervigilant, and self-conscious, which may lead to the very outcomes they were worried about.

What is the impact of cultural differences on experiences of loneliness?

In individualistic cultures, people tend to feel more lonely but may find it easier to make new friends or join new communities. In contrast, in collectivistic cultures, the emphasis on family and group harmony can lead to worse health outcomes when loneliness is experienced.

How does loneliness affect our physical health?

Loneliness triggers a stress response in our body, leading to heightened levels of cortisol, more inflammation, weakened immune systems, and increased susceptibility to disease.

What is the significance of understanding that health is not only physical and mental, but also social?

Understanding that health includes social aspects can change our behaviors, prompting us to seek out connections, prioritize friendships, and engage with communities and families for our well-being.

How does the neuroscience research mentioned in the script relate to the experience of connection?

The neuroscience research shows that people who looked at photos of their romantic partners during mild electric shocks felt less fearful and had lower brain activity in pain-associated regions, indicating that our perception of pain can differ based on our sense of connection to another person.

What is the role of self-compassion meditation in overcoming loneliness?

Self-compassion meditation helps develop a closer relationship with oneself, which serves as a foundation for connecting with others. It involves focusing the love one feels for others towards oneself, promoting vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships.

How can helping others or volunteering in the community combat loneliness?

Volunteering and helping others broaden our thinking, allowing us to see new opportunities and break free from the mindset of loneliness and its associated negative feelings and thought patterns.

What is the broader message about loneliness and social health presented in the script?

The script emphasizes that loneliness is not a reflection of who we are but what we need, and that social health is a priority for everyone, regardless of whether they feel lonely. It suggests that addressing thoughts and beliefs, along with self-connection, are key to overcoming loneliness.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Overcoming Loneliness Through Perception Change

The first paragraph discusses societal perceptions of loneliness and how these perceptions can influence our behavior and health. It suggests that by broadening our perception box, we can feel more connected and overcome loneliness. Kasley Killam, the author of 'The Art and Science of Connection,' explains that our internal narratives about loneliness affect our social interactions and can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The paragraph also contrasts individualistic and collectivistic cultures, noting that the former may experience more loneliness but have easier social integration, while the latter may suffer worse health outcomes due to loneliness. The paragraph concludes with the idea that understanding health as a social component can motivate us to seek and prioritize social connections, which can rewiring our brains and improving our well-being.

05:00

🌟 Transforming Social Health Through Self-Connection and Service

The second paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-connection as a foundation for building meaningful relationships with others. It suggests that meditation, particularly self-compassion meditation, can help individuals develop a closer relationship with themselves, making them more comfortable with vulnerability—a key component of deep relationships. The paragraph also highlights the benefits of engaging in acts of service within the community as a way to combat loneliness and foster a broader perspective. It concludes by stating that everyone should prioritize their social health, regardless of whether they feel lonely, as loneliness is just one indicator of overall social health.

Keywords

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is defined as the distressing feeling of being alone or isolated, which can lead to negative thought patterns and behaviors. In the video, it is discussed as a common experience influenced by societal perceptions and personal beliefs. The script mentions that people often internalize the stigma of being alone, leading to rumination and negative self-perceptions, which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness.

💡Perception Box

The 'Perception Box' refers to the mental framework through which individuals interpret their experiences and the world around them. The video suggests that broadening this box can help individuals feel more connected and overcome loneliness. It implies that by changing one's perspective, one can alter their experience of loneliness and foster a sense of connection.

💡Social Health

Social health is the state of an individual's social well-being, encompassing their relationships, social interactions, and sense of belonging. The video emphasizes that social health is integral to overall well-being and that addressing loneliness involves improving one's social health. It is portrayed as a dynamic aspect of health that can be nurtured and developed through positive social interactions and self-connection.

💡Cortisol

Cortisol is a hormone associated with the body's stress response. The video explains that loneliness can trigger increased cortisol levels, leading to inflammation and a weakened immune system. This biological response to loneliness underscores the importance of social connection for physical health.

💡Collectivism vs. Individualism

Collectivism and individualism are cultural dimensions that influence how people perceive their relationships and social obligations. The video contrasts these cultural perspectives, noting that individualistic cultures may foster greater feelings of loneliness but also provide more freedom to form new social connections. Conversely, collectivist cultures prioritize group harmony and family, potentially leading to more severe health outcomes when loneliness is experienced.

💡Self-Compassion Meditation

Self-compassion meditation is a practice where individuals direct the same kindness and understanding they show to others towards themselves. The video suggests this as a method to build a solid foundation for self-connection, which can then facilitate deeper connections with others. It is presented as a tool to overcome barriers to vulnerability and to foster emotional intimacy in relationships.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to expose oneself to the risk of emotional exposure by sharing personal thoughts and feelings. The video posits that vulnerability is crucial for developing meaningful relationships. It is linked to trust and emotional intimacy, and the speaker shares a personal journey of how self-compassion meditation helped them become more vulnerable.

💡Neuroscience Research

Neuroscience research in the context of the video refers to studies that explore the brain's response to social stimuli and how it influences emotions and behaviors. An example cited is a study where people experienced less fear and reported lower pain when looking at photos of their romantic partners versus strangers, highlighting the neurological impact of perceived social connections.

💡Stress Response

The stress response is the body's reaction to stressors, which can include physiological, emotional, and behavioral changes. The video explains that loneliness can trigger a stress response, leading to the release of cortisol and other physiological changes that can negatively affect health. Understanding this response can motivate individuals to prioritize social connections for their well-being.

💡Social Connection

Social connection refers to the relationships and interactions that individuals have with others, which provide a sense of belonging and support. The video emphasizes the importance of social connection for mental, emotional, and physical health. It suggests that fostering these connections can mitigate the negative effects of loneliness and contribute to overall well-being.

💡Acts of Service

Acts of service involve performing tasks or offering help to others without expecting anything in return. The video suggests that engaging in acts of service, such as volunteering, can help individuals overcome loneliness by broadening their focus from self to others. This shift in perspective can break the cycle of negative thought patterns associated with loneliness and foster a sense of community and purpose.

Highlights

From a young age, society programs us to stigmatize those who are alone, associating loneliness with personal inadequacies.

Loneliness can lead to negative thought patterns and behaviors, influencing both brain and body.

Kasley Killam introduces herself as an author and expert in social health, discussing the 'Perception Box' and its impact on loneliness.

Perceptions and self-stories about loneliness can alter social behaviors and interactions.

Individuals feeling disconnected may approach social interactions defensively, increasing anxiety and self-consciousness.

Confidence and self-compassion can empower individuals to connect more openly and overcome loneliness.

Cultural differences significantly impact how loneliness is perceived and its effects on health.

Individualistic cultures may foster loneliness but ease the process of making new connections.

Collectivistic cultures emphasize family and group harmony, affecting how loneliness is experienced and its health outcomes.

Loneliness initiates a stress response with physiological consequences, such as increased cortisol levels and inflammation.

Recognizing social health as integral to overall well-being can motivate individuals to seek and prioritize connections.

Neuroscience research shows that social connections can alter brain activity and the perception of pain.

Having strong social support can transform one's experience of the world and make life events more manageable.

Loneliness is not a personal failure but an indication of a need for social connection.

Optimal social health varies by individual, depending on personal preferences for socializing and types of fulfilling connections.

Addressing thoughts and beliefs is crucial for overcoming loneliness and enhancing self-connection.

Meditation, particularly self-compassion meditation, can foster a stronger relationship with oneself and improve social connections.

Engaging in acts of service and volunteering can help break the cycle of loneliness by broadening one's perspective and opportunities.

Social health is essential for everyone, regardless of whether they feel lonely, and should be a priority.

Transcripts

- From a very young age, we're programmed to think

that that person who's by themselves is a loner.

We project a story about that person is perhaps not likable

or perhaps they don't have what is needed

in order to be embedded in a group.

There's this stigma right off the bat

that we learn growing up where, if you're alone,

something's wrong with you.

So when we feel lonely, we're more likely

to start to ruminate, to catastrophize in social situations,

and to get caught up in these sort

of negative thought patterns

and beliefs that then influence our behaviors-

but they also influence our brains and our bodies.

But we can actually broaden the Perception Box

that you're living in, and help you to feel more connected,

and overcome that isolated experience of loneliness.

My name's Kasley Killam.

I am the author of "The Art and Science of Connection,"

and I am an expert in social health.

Our perceptions and the stories that we tell ourselves

about feeling lonely in turn change the behaviors

that we go out and do in the world.

Someone who feels disconnected

goes into a social interaction with their guard up.

They feel more anxious, they're hypervigilant,

they're a little bit more self-conscious,

and that influences the interaction that they have

with that other person.

That might make them come across more negatively,

and actually cause the very thing

that they were worried about,

which is it doesn't go as well as they hoped

because they're coming

from that mindset of limiting beliefs.

In contrast, if you go into a social opportunity believing

that the other person is going to like you,

feeling confident about who you are,

having a solid relationship with yourself,

that's going to empower you to be more open

and receptive to connecting in a way

that actually helps you overcome loneliness,

that actually helps you develop

a more meaningful relationship.

The culture around us also shapes

how we understand our own experiences

of loneliness and connection.

In general, across studies, we see

that the more individualistic a culture,

the more lonely people feel within that country.

In contrast, in collectivistic cultures,

people put greater emphasis on family and on group harmony.

There are different norms and expectations around

how we should be relating to one another.

People in more individualistic countries

might feel more lonely,

but they actually might have an easier time

making new friends or branching out

and joining new communities

because there isn't that same societal expectation for them

to stay with their original family unit

and their original friends.

In contrast, when people experience loneliness

in more collectivistic countries, we see

that they have different health outcomes.

So if you feel lonely and the societal expectation

that you've grown up learning is that you need

to be connected to your family,

and it's so important for you to be embedded

with other people,

then that mismatch between what you're feeling

and what the story is in your head

about what you should be feeling, is so great that we see

that people have worse health outcomes as a result

of feeling lonely in those kinds of cultures.

Loneliness starts out as a thought pattern or an emotion.

This actually triggers a stress response in our body

that is associated with heightened levels of cortisol;

that's associated with more inflammation,

which weakens our immune systems

and actually makes us more susceptible to disease.

If we start to understand that health

is not only physical and mental, it's also social-

that's going to change our behaviors.

We're going to seek out connection and prioritize friendship

and community and family

because we know that it's good for us.

Our social lives are rewiring our brains,

and in turn, changing the experience

that we have inside of our bodies.

We can see this in the neuroscience research:

In one study, people went through mild electric shocks

while looking at photos

of either their romantic partner or a complete stranger.

What researchers found was that people who were looking

at a photo of their romantic partners

reported feeling less fearful,

and the brain activity in the regions

associated with pain was lower.

People's perception differs according to whether or not

they feel connected to another person.

Imagine that more broadly:

if you think about having rich friendships

and being embedded in your community

and having a really strong sense of support,

that's going to completely transform the way

that you experience the world.

Reacting to stressful life events, navigating the highs

and lows that we all go through, all of that

is more manageable if we have those core relationships

to rely on to feel supported.

Loneliness is not a reflection on who we are;

it's a reflection of what we need.

It's information; it's data.

Being optimally socially healthy

for you might be different than someone else

based on how much socializing you enjoy,

and what kinds of connection feel fulfilling to you.

One of the most effective approaches

for helping people overcome loneliness

is addressing their thoughts and their beliefs.

Connection with yourself is as important

as connection with other people.

So one way to develop a closer relationship with yourself

as a foundation for connecting

with other people is through meditation.

And one practice that I personally love

is 'self-compassion meditation,'

where you focus the love that you feel

for other people toward yourself.

Prior to creating that solid foundation with myself,

I had struggled to be vulnerable

and to open up to my friends

and loved ones.

By feeling unconditional love for myself,

I felt more comfortable opening up and being vulnerable.

And we know from the research

that in order to develop meaningful relationships,

we need to be vulnerable.

It creates trust, it engenders emotional intimacy.

By creating that solid foundation with myself,

I was better poised to engage

in those more meaningful conversations with other people.

One of the best ways to start connecting again

is to help someone else, do an act of service.

Go volunteer in your community.

It's this beautiful way of broadening our thinking

and seeing new opportunities-

snapping us out of the mindset

of loneliness and the negative feelings

and thought patterns that that can incur.

A lot of times, people don't feel lonely

and that isn't something

that they necessarily identify with,

and yet, maybe there are other ways

that they can be socially healthy.

Loneliness is just one sign of poor social health.

Every single person needs to prioritize their social health,

whether or not they feel lonely.