How to stop feeling lonely (forever)

Summary

This video tackles the growing issue of loneliness, utilizing the UCLA Loneliness Scale to assess social connection deficits. It explores the reasons behind loneliness, such as decreased in-person interactions and increased social media use, and its negative impacts on mental and physical health. The video offers five strategies to combat loneliness: improving social skills, initiating social interactions, establishing social rituals, practicing mindfulness, and focusing on selfless service. By taking proactive steps, individuals can reduce feelings of isolation and enhance their overall well-being.

Takeaways

• 😀 The UCLA Loneliness Scale is a common questionnaire used to measure feelings of loneliness, consisting of 20 questions that assess social isolation.
• 🌐 Globally, 33% of people report feeling lonely often, always, or some of the time, with Brazil, Turkey, and India having some of the highest percentages.
• 🏙️ Loneliness is increasing due to factors like reduced in-person social interaction, more time spent online, and increased independence and mobility.
• 👴 As people age, especially men, they may experience more loneliness, which can have negative impacts on mental and physical health.
• 🔁 The 'loneliness loop' is a cycle where feelings of social isolation lead to reduced motivation to connect, which in turn increases feelings of loneliness.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Joining a co-working space like WeWork can help combat loneliness by providing a social environment and opportunities to connect with others.
• 🤝 Improving social skills through reading, practice, and training can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness.
• 🏀 Establishing recurring social rituals, like weekly sports or game nights, can increase social contact and decrease loneliness.
• 🧘 Practicing mindfulness and accepting one's emotions can help mitigate feelings of loneliness and improve overall mental health.
• 🤗 Adopting a mindset of selfless help and setting service goals can lead to increased joy and reduced loneliness by focusing on helping others.

Q & A

What is the UCLA Loneliness Scale?

The UCLA Loneliness Scale is the most commonly used questionnaire in research around loneliness, typically consisting of 20 questions designed to measure an individual's level of loneliness.

How is loneliness defined in the context of the video?

Loneliness is defined as the unpleasant experience that occurs when a person's network of social relations is deficient in some important way, either quantitatively or qualitatively, leading to feelings of social isolation and inadequate social connections.

What percentage of people globally feel lonely often, always, or some of the time according to the survey mentioned in the video?

Globally, 33% of people feel lonely often, always, or some of the time.

Which countries had the highest and lowest percentages of people feeling lonely in the survey?

Brazil had the highest percentage with 50% feeling lonely, while the Netherlands had the lowest with 15%.

What is the 'displacement hypothesis' as discussed in the video?

The displacement hypothesis refers to the concept where people are reducing the amount of time spent with others in real life and replacing it with time spent online, leading to increased feelings of loneliness.

How does loneliness impact mental and physical health as per the video?

Loneliness can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, weaken the immune system, increase stress, reduce sleep quality, and raise the risk of depression, anxiety, and even dementia.

What is the 'widowhood effect' mentioned in the video?

The widowhood effect refers to the increased likelihood of a recently widowed person to die, highlighting the significant impact of social relations on health.

What are the five actionable strategies suggested in the video to reduce loneliness?

The strategies include improving social skills, adopting the 'go first' rule, establishing rituals for social contact, practicing mindfulness to accept negative emotions, and focusing on selfless help over self-help.

How can co-working spaces like WeWork help combat loneliness as per the video?

Co-working spaces provide a physical location for social interaction and collaboration, which can help reduce feelings of loneliness by facilitating in-person connections among remote workers and entrepreneurs.

What is the significance of the study where participants were told they would be alone forever and then asked to drink vinegar?

The study illustrates the negative impact of perceived loneliness on self-regulation. Participants who were told they would be alone showed significantly lower self-regulation, suggesting that the thought of loneliness can affect our ability to do things that are not immediately pleasurable but are beneficial for us.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Loneliness: The Modern Epidemic

The video begins by introducing the topic of loneliness through the UCLA Loneliness Scale, a questionnaire used to measure feelings of social isolation. The script discusses the definition of loneliness as a negative experience due to a lack of social connection and highlights that loneliness is a growing problem, especially among aging adults. A global survey indicates that about one in three people often feel lonely. The video aims to explore why loneliness is a significant issue and what can be done to address it. The host shares a personal interest in the subject due to turning 30 and recognizing the trend of increasing loneliness with age. Factors contributing to loneliness are discussed, including the displacement hypothesis, which suggests that time spent online is replacing in-person social interactions, leading to more isolation.

05:00

🏋️‍♂️ Co-Working as a Solution to Loneliness

The second paragraph focuses on the benefits of co-working spaces like WeWork as a way to combat loneliness, especially for those working remotely. The host describes how co-working spaces provide opportunities for social interaction, community, and a more enjoyable work experience compared to working from home. The video mentions the global accessibility of WeWork locations, which allows for a sense of community and productivity. The host also discusses the additional perks of co-working spaces, such as free coffee, snacks, and recreational facilities. A discount code for WeWork is provided for viewers interested in experiencing the benefits of co-working for themselves.

10:01

🚑 The Impact of Loneliness on Health

This section delves into the negative effects of loneliness on both mental and physical health. It contrasts loneliness with solitude, emphasizing that solitude can be a positive experience if it is voluntary and desired. The 'widowhood effect' is introduced as a stark example of how social isolation can increase mortality rates. The script also covers various studies that link loneliness to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, weakened immune systems, stress, poor sleep quality, and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and dementia. A study from 2005 is highlighted, which shows that perceived loneliness can significantly impact self-regulation and the ability to handle negative experiences.

15:02

🤝 Strategies to Combat Loneliness

The final paragraph outlines five strategies to help reduce feelings of loneliness. The first strategy discussed is improving social skills through training and practice, as demonstrated by a study on nurses. The second strategy is the 'go first' rule, which encourages individuals to initiate social interactions. The third strategy involves establishing social rituals, such as regular meetups for activities, which have been shown to decrease loneliness. The fourth strategy is practicing mindfulness to accept and monitor negative emotions associated with loneliness. The fifth strategy is focusing on selfless help over self-help, which involves setting service goals to help others and experiencing joy through giving. The video concludes by emphasizing the importance of taking initiative in building social connections and the positive impact this can have on reducing loneliness.

Keywords

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is defined as the distressing feeling that arises when a person lacks companionship or feels disconnected from others. In the video, it is presented as a significant issue, particularly in modern society with increasing social isolation. The script discusses the 'UCLA Loneliness Scale' and various statistics highlighting the prevalence of loneliness, such as the global average of 33% of people feeling lonely often or always.

💡Social Isolation

Social isolation refers to the state of having little or no contact with others, which can lead to feelings of loneliness. The video script mentions that loneliness is the feeling of being socially isolated and having inadequate social connections. It is contrasted with solitude, which is the state of enjoying being alone without negative connotations.

💡Displacement Hypothesis

The displacement hypothesis, as mentioned in the script, suggests that people are reducing the time spent on in-person interactions and replacing it with online activities, leading to increased feelings of loneliness. The video discusses how social media and other online platforms, while connecting people virtually, cannot replace the depth of in-person connections.

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment without judgment. The video script references a study where mindfulness, specifically the practice of monitoring and accepting emotions, was found to significantly reduce feelings of loneliness. It is presented as a strategy to cope with and potentially alleviate loneliness.

💡Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to control one's emotions and behaviors in order to achieve goals. In the context of the video, it is discussed in relation to a study where participants' self-regulation was affected by their perceived future loneliness, indicating that loneliness can impact one's ability to self-regulate.

💡Widowhood Effect

The widowhood effect, as mentioned in the video, is the increased risk of death following the loss of a spouse, highlighting the profound impact of social connections on health. The script uses this term to illustrate the severe consequences of loneliness and social isolation on physical health.

💡Co-working Space

A co-working space is a shared workspace that allows individuals to work independently while being in a communal environment. The video script promotes co-working spaces as a solution to loneliness, especially for remote workers, by providing a physical location for social interaction and community building.

💡Rituals

Rituals in the context of the video refer to recurring social activities that can help reduce loneliness by providing regular opportunities for social interaction. The script suggests creating rituals, such as weekly sports games or study groups, as a proactive strategy to foster social connections.

💡Solitude

Solitude is the state of being alone but enjoying one's own company without feeling lonely. The video script differentiates solitude from loneliness, suggesting that while solitude can be a positive experience, loneliness is characterized by a negative emotional response to social isolation.

💡Service Goals

Service goals are objectives focused on helping others rather than personal gain. The video script discusses how setting and pursuing service goals can reduce loneliness by fostering a sense of purpose and connection with others. It contrasts service goals with self-help goals, which are more self-centered.

Highlights

Introduction of the UCLA Loneliness Scale, a 20-question survey to measure feelings of loneliness.

Definition of loneliness as an unpleasant experience due to a deficient social network.

Global survey results showing 33% of people feel lonely often, always, or some of the time.

Brazil has the highest percentage of people feeling lonely, while the Netherlands has the lowest.

Discussion on why men tend to experience more loneliness as they age.

The Displacement Hypothesis: People are spending less time in real life and more time online.

Factors contributing to loneliness include working from home, increased independence, and reduced public hangouts.

The concept of the loneliness loop, where loneliness leads to a cycle of social isolation.

Loneliness is contagious, and spending time with lonely people can increase one's own feelings of loneliness.

Benefits of using co-working spaces like WeWork to combat loneliness.

Loneliness can have severe impacts on mental and physical health, including increased mortality rates.

Loneliness increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, weakens the immune system, and reduces sleep quality.

Studies show that loneliness can lead to a decrease in self-regulation and an increase in negative interactions.

Strategy to reduce loneliness: Improving social skills through training and practice.

The 'go first' rule, encouraging individuals to initiate social interactions to combat loneliness.

Establishing rituals, such as regular social activities, to increase social contact and reduce loneliness.

Mindfulness practices can help monitor and accept feelings of loneliness, reducing its impact.

The importance of selfless help and setting service goals to reduce loneliness and increase overall well-being.

Transcripts

hey friends welcome back to the channel

so we are going to start this video with

a few questions question number one how

often do you feel that you are in tune

with the people around you never rarely

sometimes or always question number two

how often do you feel that you lack

companionship never rarely sometimes or

always question three how often do you

feel that there is no one that you can

turn to question four how often do you

feel

alone and question number five how often

do you feel part of a group of friends

now these are some of the questions from

the UCLA loneliness scale which is the

most commonly used questionnaire in

research around loneliness there's

normally 20 questions I'll put a link

down below if you actually want to do it

properly but in this video we're going

to be talking about the epidemic of

loneliness why is it a problem and

crucially what can we do about it now

two researchers in 1981 defined

loneliness as the unpleasant experience

that occurs when a person's network of

social relations Is deficient in some

important way either quantitatively or

qualitatively in other words loneliness

is the feeling of being socially

isolated and the feeling that your

social connections are not good enough

and this is particularly a problem for

adults as they get older now this is a

cool survey that was done in 28

countries and one of the questions from

this was how often do you feel lonely

over on the left this is the percentage

of people that said they feel lonely

often always or some of the time and

over on the right we have the percentage

of people that said they feel lonely

hardly ever or never now you can see

here that the global average is 33%

which means one in three people feel

lonely often always or some of the time

interestingly 50% of people in Brazil

feel that way 46% of people in Turkey

43% of people in India and if we look at

this list the least lonely countes seem

to be the Netherlands with 15% Japan

with 16% and Poland with 23% and the

reason that I'm personally interested in

this topic is because I've just turned

30 and I've read a bunch of things and

seen a bunch of data that shows that men

in particular as they get older tend to

experience more loneliness than any

other group and so because I'm all about

trying to build a life I love I've been

on a bit of a mission to figure out okay

what are the things that I can do that

will help diminish my chances of feeling

significant loneliness as I get older so

firstly we're going to talk about why

people feel lonely and what is so bad

about it and then we're going to share

five actionable strategies that you and

I can apply to our lives from today to

help reduce the risk of feeling

lonely so question number one why do

people feel lonely well there's a

concept in research around this area

called the displacement hypothesis and

this is where we as species are broadly

reducing the amount of time we spend

with people in real life and replacing

it with time spent online now obviously

social media is good for connecting with

people blah blah blah but there is

really nothing that beats inperson

connection and we are replacing that

inperson connection with Tik Tok

Instagram YouTube Twitter the whole

shebang but on top of the social media

apps there are a bunch of other reasons

why this is happening we are

increasingly working from home and

working from home is bad for your social

connections because you're not in an

office with people which used to be a

thing back in the day we are

increasingly becoming more independent

and moving abroad I'm thinking for

example of leaving the UK and leaving my

friends and family behind because it's

like I got freedom I can do what I want

but you know as increasingly more and

more people do that the social

connections become more fragmented with

a lot of the Aging populations we see in

developed countries older people are

becoming less and less mobile and are

therefore physically unable to see

friends these days there are a lot fewer

public Hangouts there's a lot less

Street parties and just generally

hanging out in the neighborhood and all

that kind of stuff that used to be a

thing back in the day and with the whole

rise of Independence and autonomy and

all that kind of stuff younger people

are moving away from their family and

their family home and therefore the

family is becoming destroyed as a bit of

a unit in like a non weird way and so

we've got a bunch of these different

instigating factors that can cause

people to feel the sense of loneliness

the sense of social isolation and then

we can become trapped in the loneliness

Loop so initially because of a bunch of

these different factors we can get this

feeling of loneliness which as we talked

about is perceived social isolation and

poor social connections and the negative

feeling that arises from that that can

then reduce our motivation to connect

with other people when we're not

connecting with other people we know

that leads to a reduced feeling of

psychological safety which then creates

this negativity bias within us where we

pay more attention to negative social

cues like rejection or isolation this

leads to us literally having more

negative memories like we remember more

of the negative things that have

happened to us rather than the positive

things which then increases the negative

interactions that we have with other

people broadly people don't like being

around people who are very negative all

the time and so we then end up pushing

people away which then further increases

our social isolation and then we

complete the loop and we get into this

vicious cycle of loneliness there's also

some cool studies that show that

loneliness is actually contagious so if

you spend time with people who feel

lonely you are also then more likely to

start feeling lonely now one very

practical method to avoid loneliness is

to not work at home and instead join

others at a co-working space like we

work who are very kindly sponsoring

today's video now wework has become an

essential part of me and my team's

workflow now that we are a fully remote

team but the nice thing is that even

though we are a fully remote team we

have a handful of people who are in

London and we love to meet up at the

various different weworks in London and

we use the all access areas and meeting

rooms I also love how wework has

locations all around the world so I've

been to weworks in LA and in New York

when I was visiting America and my team

members who are also now traveling

around because it's a remote job can now

just go into any wework anywhere in the

world and be super productive having a

wework pass is amazing it's super

hasslefree it's great for flexibility as

a business cuz you can Flex It Up and

Down based on you know how big your team

is and they have a bunch of free perks

like free coffee and some really nice

snacks and table tennis tables and stuff

in most of the wework locations wework

is also great for entrepreneurs because

it's full of lots of interesting

businesses and Founders and I generally

find that if I strike up conversation

with someone over table tennis or over a

coffee or whatever generally they're

very entrepreneurial and ambitious

either they're working for a small

business or they own a small business or

they're a freelancer and so it's a very

fun and nice Community to be around

especially if you're an aspiring

entrepreneur and also to be honest one

of the best things about Wei work is

that working from home can genuinely

just be really lonely and kind of boring

which is why I personally even though I

have a place in London I still go to

local wiiw works because it's just more

fun than being at home all the time so

if any of that sounds interesting then

you can get 20% off your wework all

access membership with the coupon code

Ali works2 at w.co alw work20 and that

will be linked down below as well so

thank you so much wew work sponsoring

this video okay so all of this is

happening but then that leads us to

question two which is like is loneliness

actually bad for us how does it impact

our mental and physical health now

firstly it's important to separate

loneliness from Solitude Solitude being

able to enjoy spending time on your own

is broadly a good thing that is where

you don't have the negative feeling

associated with feeling as if you don't

have enough social Connection in your

life or feeling as if the quality of

your Social connection is not where

you'd like it to be I love having

evenings of solitude to myself where I

can play Playstation once in a while but

if I had too many of those and I didn't

have the ability to hang out with my

friends or felt like I didn't have a

strong circle of friends and family

around me then I'd be feeling lonely

rather than experiencing the joy of

solitude anyway so how does loneliness

impact our mental and physical health so

one interesting thing which is kind of

sad is What's called the widowhood

effect this paper says the increased

likelihood for a recently widowed person

to die often called the widowhood effect

is one of the best documented examples

of the effect of social relations on

health the widowhood effect has been

found among men and women of all ages

throughout the world and recent

longitudinal studies put the excess

mortality of widowhood compared with

marriage among the elderly between 30%

and 90% in the first 3 months and around

15% in the months thereafter you are

literally more likely to die if you've

had a partner that has recently died so

that's obviously an extreme example but

there's all sorts of other studies that

show this incredible correlation and

sometimes even causations between social

isolation and loneliness and negative

Health outcomes so for example in terms

of our physical health loneliness

increases our risk of things like

cardiovascular disease it also makes our

immune system weaker it also makes us

more stressed and also reduces our Sleep

Quality and on top of that and maybe

unsurprisingly there are also negative

mental health impacts of loneliness

while loneliness increases our risk of

depression and anxiety and even dementia

now here's a really interesting study

about the effect of loneliness or

perceived loneliness so this was a kind

of mean study that researchers did back

in 2005 and they basically got got some

people into a lab and they split them up

into three different groups and they got

them to to take some sort of quiz but

then regardless of what the participants

put in that quiz the researchers told

them one of three different things for

the first group of people this was quite

mean this was the future alone group

where they basically told them you were

the sort of person who will end up alone

later in life you may have friends and

relationships now but by your mid-20s

most of these will have drifted away you

may marry or have several marriages but

these are likely to be shortlived and

you're basically going to end up being

alone forever they told a third of the

people this then for the second group of

people they told them that they are way

more likely to have lots of friends and

family as they age and for the third

group they told them that they're more

likely to have just generally bad things

happen in their life like being in an

accident or breaking bones or being

injured that sort of thing now based on

being primed with these three different

messages the students in the study were

then asked to drink vinegar now I don't

know if you've ever tried tasting

vinegar but it's not very nice and they

were sort of measuring how much vinegar

were the students drinking after being

told to drink and this is essentially a

measure of self-regulation drinking a

bit of thing like vinegar and being able

to keep on drinking it relies you to

self-regulate a lot which happens from

the prefrontal cortex which is the area

at the front of our brain where we can

like do things that don't feel good that

we want that are higher kind of brains

want to actually do and what's

interesting is that if you look at the

group that was told they were going to

be alone forever their self-regulation

at drinking this vinegar was drastically

lower than the other two groups even the

group that said they were going to have

loads of accidents there's something

about the thought of being alone forever

that really really affected these

students so the most important message

here is that the effects of loneliness

are a lot worse than you might think and

at the same same time we know that

working on our social life is actually a

very good thing for us because data from

thousands of people shows that those

with strong relationships are more

likely to literally Survive by up to 50%

so we've established that loneliness is

a problem increasingly more and more

people are becoming more lonely

especially as they age and especially as

we spend way more time online this is

really really really bad for us and now

we're going to look at five actionable

things that you and I can do to help

combat the effects of loneliness oh by

the way if you're interested in like a

holistic approach to improving your life

there is an exercise that I really like

called The Wheel of life and it's a tool

you can use to assess where you

currently are in your life and you can

figure out what you want going forward

basically you split up a big wheel into

three sections work health and

relationships and within relationships

for example you can split it up into

romance family and friends and the whole

exercise gets you to a rank how

satisfied or aligned you feel in each of

these different areas of your life from

a scale of 0 to 10 and this is actually

a pretty good way to work out which

areas of your relationships and other

areas of your life you might want to put

in some more active work into feel free

to do this by yourself on pen and paper

if you want but I'll also leave a link

to a little interactive survey that

we've created that will take like a

couple of minutes to do that'll be

linked down below if you want to check

it

out all right so let's start with

strategy number one and there's a cool

study that really illustrates this where

uh researchers looked at around 40

nurses and they split them up into two

groups to see can you actually train

these nurses in social skills and what

impact does that have on their feelings

of loneliness and to cut a long story

short they found that the nurses who

underwent this sort of training in

social skills actually reported

significantly lower feelings of

loneliness so this is a nice little

study admittedly with a small number of

people but backs up something that I

definitely anecdotally know to be true

and you might have that experience as

well which is that social skills are

skills and like all skills skills can be

improved over the years I have read

dozens of books on how to improve my

social skills back in the day I was very

interested in reading books about how to

improve my dating life and how to talk

to girls cuz I was like really scared of

doing that when I was a teenager and a

little bit beyond and then over time I

also read books about Charisma and

confidence and a big part of why I'm I

think pretty good at public speaking and

like putting myself out there and stuff

is the fact that I've read these books

books like Charisma on command books

like the Charisma myth books like How to

Win Friends and Influence People and you

know these books about improving your

social skills kind of might seem weird

initially but it does work it does help

you actually make more friends and helps

you therefore reduce your feelings of

loneliness so if you are feeling lonely

I'd be profer the question to what

extent have you tried to actively

improve your social skills this is

actually fairly easy to do you can just

search YouTube for how to improve your

social skills you can search Amazon you

can find books on how to improve your

social skills I think they're really

good I 100% would recommend next we have

strategy number two which I like to

think of as the go first rule this is a

rule that has made an enormous impact on

my life and the idea here is that

basically em bibing the idea into our

brains giving ourselves a bit of a

firmware update that everyone is

friendly but you have to go first if you

are in a new place if you're in an event

if you're in class or whatever everyone

is friendly you should just assume that

but you have to go first you have to be

the one to make the first move as it

were you have to be the one to say hello

you have to be the one to talk to that

person next to you who's like sitting in

the lecture and that you've never met

before be like hey my name's Ali I don't

think we've met before what's your name

and then that Sparks off a conversation

it feels initially weird because you're

putting yourself out there and stuff but

everyone is friendly you just have to go

first okay next up we have the rule of

rituals now repeated rituals are one of

the most reliable ways to increase your

amount of social contact and reduce

feelings of loneliness this study for

example brought students together to

play basketball three times a week over

a 3-month period and they compared the

changes in loneliness with the students

who were invited to play the basketball

compared to the students who didn't play

basketball the control group so this is

what the results look like we've got

loneliness scores on the y- axis and

we've got time on the x-axis this is the

line for students in the control group

are e the ones who didn't play

basketball so you can see the line is

pretty flat nothing really has changed

in their feelings of loneliness but then

this is the line for people who are

playing basketball three times a week

for 3 months and perhaps unsurprisingly

you can see that there is a significant

drop in their feelings of loneliness the

key here is that being able to find

recurring rituals that can help you

connect with people is super super

helpful I found this when I was at

University

would have recurring rituals around

people coming over to my house for Game

of Thrones night uh I'd go to a

Badminton Club even studying with

friends we had a bit of a sort of study

themed ritual where I'd invite friends

to my College's library and we would all

study together in exam term and all of

these were recurring rituals that had

calendar invites and like recurring

events where everyone knew that like

okay Tuesday evenings are where we go to

the Emanual College library and we all

study together things like that and

increasingly over time as I've graduated

and started working and then stopped

working and became an entrepreneur and

stuff I've tried my best to incorporate

these various different ritual into my

life I could still do a way better job

of doing this and I'm planning to move

to a different country not sure what

country yet but one of the big things

that I'm going to do as a strategy for

making friends is to start initiating a

lot of these recurring rituals to book a

five aside football pitch once a week

and find a group of people to come

together to play to host like a Sunday

brunch or something just have that as a

recurring calendar event where anyone

that I meet can be invited and then

that's how friendships and relationships

form in sort of a combination of this

idea of the rule of rituals and also the

go first rule the more ownership and

initiative you can show over these sorts

of things the more likely these start to

happen and I think to be honest a lot of

people sort of wait around to be invited

to things but you don't need to wait

around to be invited to things you can

just create the thing and then you can

be the one to invite the people to the

thing everyone wants to hang out it's

just no one wants to do the work of

organizing so if you can do the work of

organizing you'll you'll never run out

of friends basically next up we have the

mindfulness rule so when people are

lonely they often experience other

negative emotions too with things like

social anxiety you'll avoid other people

you'll remember only the bad things that

came up in a conversation with friends

for example and so one way to overcome

the feeling of loneliness is actually to

practice mindfulness now this study from

2019 is really nice and it tested how

effective this was in adults who were

around 32 years old on average and over

two weeks they had to complete a guided

meditation course on their phones where

each day they listened to a 20-minute

audio lesson and then they completed a

homework task afterwards that took them

around 10 minutes now this course was

called Monitor and accept so they had to

listen to social interactions and

monitor how it made them feel on the

inside and then they were encouraged to

accept all of these emotions both the

good ones and also the bad ones you can

see from this graph that there was

basically no change in the adults who

took a monitor only course where they

were taught to be mindful of their

feelings but they weren't encouraged to

accept these emotions and loneliness

also did not decrease in those who took

a more General course on their phones

either and this third group of adults

were told to let their minds drift

instead of monitoring and accepting

their emotions now even though the

course was pretty short it was

interesting to see a 222% decrease in

loneliness in the group of adults who

took the Monitor and accept course so

the key takeaway here for me seems to be

that if I'm experiencing any kind of

feeling of loneliness a it is useful to

monitor what those negative feelings are

because loneliness as we've established

is by definition a negative feeling and

secondly to accept that emotion to not

judge that that emotion to not kind of

further beat myself up for like oh my

God how can you be experiencing

loneliness you've got no friends all

that kind of stuff it's about monitoring

and it's about accepting those emotions

as they arise and actually the study

concluded this study shows that

developing an orientation of acceptance

towards present moment experiences is a

critical mechanism for mitigating these

social risk

factors well let's now move on to rule

number five which is the rule of

selfless help over self-help now this

last tip isn't actually about helping

ourselves it is about helping others now

interestingly Studies have looked at how

toddlers under the age of two react when

they are given Goldfish crackers I found

even more treats and I'm going to give

them all to

you but you know I don't see any more

treats will you give one to

Monkey no

yeah yeah

[Music]

yum y y

y and what we see is that they're happy

when they get given the crackers but

they are even happier when they give

those crackers away to a toy monkey and

this is like a bit of a dumb way of

showing something that we all know to be

true which is that helping other people

brings us joy and this is especially the

case when we can see the effect this has

so the actionable takeaway here is to

try and adopt the mindset of giving

rather than taking and one way to do

this is to set more service goals and

I've thought a lot about this after

listening to a conversation on the Diary

of a CEO between Steven botet and Simon

synic individual athletes who become

Champions and then suffer depression

it's a fairly common story you hear this

from Olympians you know Michael Phelps

becomes the most medled you know uh

Olympian of all time immediately suffers

depression Andre Agassi becomes the most

storied you know tennis player of all

time immediately becomes depressed and

what I've learned from talking to some

of these um these particularly athletes

but I think it happens in the business

world as well which is from a very young

age they set themselves a goal that in

my words would be a very selfish goal I

want to be the best at X the best tennis

player the best golfer the best whatever

and their entire lives from pretty young

ages every decision they're making is to

help them Advance this finite

goal and all of their relationships are

can you help me achieve my goal right

and if you can no longer help me achieve

my goal I don't need you anymore as a

coach or even a

friend and there's huge sacrifices

missing of birthdays missing of

Christmases you know missing of major

life uh events because I have to

practice so I can achieve my goal

selfish goals are those goals that you

want to set for yourself whereas service

goals are goals that you want achieve to

help other people so volunteering for

example is a service goal and has been

shown to reduce loneliness in older

people and another service goal for

example could be something simple like

calling a friend if you know that

they're going through tough times just

to sit and listen and hold a space for

them for me the main thing that I'm

taking away from all this research is

that loneliness is bad and there are

definitely actionable things we can do

to improve it and a lot of those are

about taking ownership and initiative

rather than thinking of it being other

people's job to meet our needs for

social connection it's our own jobs to

organize things and take initiative and

finding ways to meet your own needs for

social connection and you find when you

do that that if you become the organizer

of events and the person who's

proactively reaching out to people that

you hopefully will not be starved with

social connection and like social

isolation and stuff as you get older now

if you enjoyed this video you might like

this video over here which is seven

daily habits that improved my romantic

relationship and in that video you'll

find lots of other ways to help you

build stronger and more meaningful

connections with the other people in

your life so thank you so much for

watching and I'll see you hopefully in

the next video bye-bye