Mike Birbiglia Admits Why He Didn't Want Kids | Netflix Is A Joke
Summary
TLDRIn this humorous monologue, the speaker shares their experience returning home after a long trip, only to be confronted with the idea of having children by their partner, Jen. They express their strong aversion to the idea, comparing it to a disease, and humorously discuss the social pressures to procreate. The conversation with Jen reveals their unwavering stance on not wanting children, despite her playful suggestion of having one on her own while staying married.
Takeaways
- π¬ The speaker arrives at JFK airport and heads to the apartment, feeling exhausted and comforted by the couch.
- π΅ Jen provides the speaker with mint tea and hot-and-sour soup, showing care and support.
- π The speaker humorously compares having children to a disease, suggesting it negatively affects people's lives.
- π§ The speaker jokes about friends who have children behaving like 'zombies', urging others to have kids as well.
- π« The speaker uses a zombie metaphor to describe the pressure from friends to have children, implying it's something to avoid.
- π€£ Shared laughter between the speaker and Jen indicates a lighthearted and humorous conversation about children.
- π« Jen suggests that having a baby might be different for them, but the speaker is adamant about not wanting children.
- π The speaker recalls being clear about not wanting children when they got married, but Jen believes feelings might change.
- π€·ββοΈ Jen proposes the idea of having a child independently while staying married, which the speaker rejects humorously.
- π€ The speaker questions Jen's logic about a baby not changing their lifestyle, implying it's a naive perspective.
- ποΈ The speaker lists seven reasons for not wanting children, starting with a lack of desire to reproduce more of themselves.
Q & A
What is the first thing the speaker does after landing at JFK?
-The speaker takes a cab to their apartment and collapses on their beloved couch.
What does Jen prepare for the speaker when they return home?
-Jen gets the speaker some mint tea and hot-and-sour soup.
What is the speaker's opinion on people with kids?
-The speaker humorously suggests that people with kids are miserable and compares having kids to a disease.
Why does the speaker feel that having kids is like a disease?
-The speaker believes it's like a disease because those with kids seem to want others to have kids too, similar to how zombies in movies want others to become like them.
What is the speaker's view on the idea of having children?
-The speaker is strongly against having children, stating they have never wanted to have a kid for seven specific reasons.
How does the speaker describe their stance on having children before getting married?
-The speaker claims they were very clear with their partner, Jen, that they never wanted to have a child when they got married.
What is Jen's response when the speaker insists on not wanting to have a child?
-Jen suggests that she might have a baby on her own and they can still stay married.
What humorous analogy does the speaker use to describe the idea of Jen having a child with someone else?
-The speaker compares it to a zombie scenario, suggesting the child would be a mix of Jen and a grad student, implying an undesirable outcome.
What does the speaker argue about the impact of having a child on their lifestyle?
-The speaker argues that having a child would change the way they live their lives, contrary to Jen's belief that it wouldn't.
What is the speaker's first reason for not wanting to have a child?
-The speaker's first reason is that they have never felt there should be more of them in the world.
How does the speaker's body comparison relate to their view on having children?
-The speaker compares their body to someone who is about to start a fitness program but doesn't follow through, suggesting they are not the 'fittest' and thus not the best candidate for procreation.
Outlines
π Reflections on Parenthood and Friendship
The speaker humorously recounts their return from a trip to JFK, where they express their disdain for having children, comparing it to a disease that others want them to catch. They lament losing friends to parenthood, likening parents to zombies urging others to join their miserable state. They joke about the absurdity of the situation and the drastic measures one might take to avoid it, like using a shotgun or a samurai sword as a metaphor for the drastic changes in a person's life after having a child.
π The Unexpected Twist in a Childfree Marriage
In this paragraph, the speaker shares a conversation with their spouse, Jen, about the possibility of having a child. Despite the speaker's clear stance on remaining childfree, Jen suggests that having a baby might be different for them, sparking a humorous and tense exchange. The speaker uses a zombie metaphor to express their resistance to the idea, with Jen playfully suggesting she might have a child on her own, leading to a series of comical and absurd scenarios that highlight the speaker's commitment to their childfree lifestyle.
π€ The Seven Reasons for a Childfree Life
The speaker begins to list their reasons for not wanting children, starting with the belief that there should not be more of them in the world. They humorously reflect on their own characteristics, suggesting that they are not the 'fittest' to contribute to the gene pool. The paragraph ends abruptly, leaving the audience intrigued about the remaining reasons and the speaker's overall perspective on parenthood.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘JFK
π‘Cab
π‘Mint Tea
π‘Hot-and-Sour Soup
π‘Children
π‘Disease
π‘Zombies
π‘Survival of the Fittest
π‘P90X
π‘Marriage
π‘Grad Student
Highlights
The speaker lands at JFK and experiences the comfort of their beloved couch.
Jen provides mint tea and hot-and-sour soup, showing care for the speaker's well-being.
Speaker humorously compares people with kids to zombies, suggesting a drastic life change.
The speaker jests about the idea of having children, likening it to a disease.
The speaker uses humor to describe the pressure from friends to have children.
A discussion about having children leads to a light-hearted comparison to killing zombies.
The speaker and Jen share a moment of laughter over the topic of children.
Jen suggests that having a baby could be different for them, contrary to the speaker's belief.
The speaker playfully rejects the idea of having a child, using a gun cocking sound as a metaphor.
The speaker recalls being clear about not wanting children when they got married.
Jen proposes the idea of having a child independently while staying married.
The speaker humorously imagines the scenario of Jen having a child with someone else.
The speaker argues that having a child would inevitably change their lifestyle.
The speaker lists seven specific reasons for not wanting to have a child, starting with a lack of desire to replicate themselves.
The speaker uses self-deprecating humor about their physical fitness in relation to survival of the fittest.
Transcripts
I land at JFK, I take a cab to our apartment,
I collapse on our beloved couch,
and it hugs me.
Jen gets me some mint tea and some hot-and-sour soup,
and I say, "Clo...
[laughter]
people with kids...
are miserable."
[laughter]
And look, maybe I have a low tolerance for children, 'cause...
I've lost a lot of great friends to kids.
[laughter]
Because it really is like a disease in some ways,
but it's worse than a disease, 'cause they want you to have it, too.
[laughter]
They're like, "You should have kids, too."
"I'm watching you do it
and I'm thinking I'm gonna not do it."
They're like zombies. Like, "You should eat brains."
"I'm watching you eat brains and it seems like it ruined your life."
And the way you kill zombies--
You probably know this from the movies, right? Is you shoot 'em...
-in the head... -[laughter]
with a shotgun.
Or...
you chop off their heads with a machete
or a samurai sword,
which is also
the way you kill anyone.
[laughter]
So I'm talking about this with Jen, and she laughs,
and I laugh, and we laugh...
as one.
[laughter]
And then she says,
"But if we had a baby,
I think it would be different."
[laughter]
And I was like...
[imitates gun being cocked]
[laughter]
You got bit!
[laughter]
I tried to remain calm. I said, "Clo, I was very clear...
when we got married that I never wanted to have a kid,"
which, by the way, gets you nothing.
[laughter]
Being very clear...
[laughter]
is apparently useless,
because she said I was clear.
I didn't want to have a baby at the time, but that I might change.
And I said, "I was clear...
[laughter]
I would never change."
[laughter]
She said, "If you don't want to have a baby,
maybe I'll have one on my own, and we can stay married."
And I said, "Oh, that'll be a good look."
[laughter]
Just you, and me, and this kid
that's a cross between you and some grad student
jacking his way through SUNY Purchase. I mean, you can't...
[laughter]
You can't have a kid on the side, like...
-[laughter] -"We keep him in the shed!"
I mean, people do it. I've seen the documentaries.
It's just... those aren't my role models.
And then people will be like, "You guys have kids?"
I gotta be like, "She does."
[laughter]
She says a baby wouldn't have to change the way we live our lives.
I said, "Did you get...
less smart?
[laughter]
Because you used to be so smart,
and what you're saying currently, it...
-is factually incorrect." -[laughter]
By the way, I've never wanted to have a kid for seven specific reasons.
[laughter]
Number one, I've never felt like there should be more of me in the world.
Don't get me wrong. I think one is funny.
You know? One...
Ha-ha! Good one!
You know what I mean? Like...
"Let's get tickets." But...
[laughter]
But I believe in survival of the fittest,
and this is not the fittest.
-Like I... -[laughter]
I have the body of someone who's just about to start P90X.
[laughter]
And then, doesn't. And...
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