How to Build Confidence in Your Kids | Dr. Becky Kennedy & Dr. Andrew Huberman

Summary

In this insightful conversation, the speakers explore the delicate balance of parenting, emphasizing the importance of validating children's feelings without letting them dictate decisions. They discuss the concept of 'family jobs' and the role of parents in setting boundaries while fostering self-trust and confidence in their children. The dialogue highlights the significance of teaching kids to navigate through uncomfortable situations and the power of the phrase 'I believe you' in building a child's sense of self-worth and resilience.

Takeaways

• 😀 Encouraging children to engage with others they may not like teaches them to do things they may not want to do, which is a valuable life skill.
• 👪 It's important to ensure that the environment is safe for children before insisting they participate in activities they may not enjoy.
• 📢 Parents should validate their children's feelings without letting those feelings dictate decisions or boundaries.
• 🔑 The concept of 'family jobs' is introduced as a framework for understanding roles and responsibilities within the family.
• 💡 Parents should set boundaries and make key decisions, while also acknowledging that children should have a say in certain matters as they grow older.
• 🤔 The script suggests that children's desires may not always align with what's best for them, and parents must balance validating feelings with guiding actions.
• 🌟 The phrase 'I believe you' is highlighted as a powerful way to instill confidence and self-trust in children.
• 🛠️ Parents should teach children that sometimes they must do things they don't enjoy for the sake of family unity or personal growth.
• 👀 The script emphasizes the importance of parents holding hope for their children's ability to cope with difficult situations.
• 🏆 The intrinsic reward of overcoming challenges and realizing one's capabilities is more valuable than extrinsic rewards like extra screen time.
• 🚫 Avoid using 'but' after validating a child's feelings, as it can negate the affirmation and potentially reduce their confidence.

Q & A

What is the main issue discussed in the script regarding children's social interactions?

The script discusses the challenge of children not wanting to socialize with certain peers, and the importance of teaching them to do things they may not want to do for the sake of family unity and personal growth.

How does the speaker suggest parents should approach a situation where their child does not want to visit someone's house due to disliking their kids?

The speaker suggests that parents should ensure there is no dangerous situation involved, validate their child's feelings, but also teach them that sometimes they have to do things they don't want to for the sake of family or personal development.

What is the concept of 'family jobs' as mentioned in the script?

'Family jobs' is a concept where parents define their roles within the family, such as setting boundaries and making key decisions, while also validating their children's experiences without letting their children's feelings dictate the boundaries.

Why is it important for parents to validate their children's feelings according to the script?

Validating children's feelings is important because it acknowledges their experiences and emotions as real, which is crucial for building their confidence and self-trust.

How does the speaker differentiate between 'I believe you' and 'I hear you'?

The speaker suggests that 'I believe you' carries more weight and conveys a deeper level of validation and trust in the child's experience, whereas 'I hear you' is more about acknowledgment without necessarily affirming the child's feelings.

What is the role of a parent in shaping a child's understanding of their own feelings according to the script?

The role of a parent is to help the child understand that their feelings are valid and real, and to ensure that the child knows they are capable of coping with difficult emotions and situations.

Why is it not helpful for a child's development if their feelings dictate the family's decisions?

Allowing a child's feelings to dictate decisions can be unhelpful because it does not teach them resilience or the ability to navigate through uncomfortable situations, which are important life skills.

What is the significance of the phrase 'I believe you' in building a child's confidence?

The phrase 'I believe you' is significant because it instills a sense of self-trust and confidence in the child, making them feel that their experiences and feelings are acknowledged and valued.

How can parents use the concept of 'family jobs' to navigate through situations where a child does not want to participate in a family activity?

Parents can use 'family jobs' to explain the importance of participating in family activities, even if the child does not want to, by emphasizing the value of family unity and the opportunity for personal growth.

What is the speaker's view on using external rewards to motivate children in difficult situations?

The speaker suggests that while external rewards might be tempting, the best reward for a child is the sense of accomplishment and pride that comes from overcoming a challenge on their own.

How does the speaker define confidence in the context of the script?

The speaker defines confidence as self-trust, which is the belief in one's own feelings and experiences, rather than just feeling good about oneself.

Outlines

00:00

👪 Balancing Family Dynamics and Teaching Resilience

This paragraph discusses the challenges parents face when their children express reluctance to socialize or participate in family activities. The speaker emphasizes the importance of not allowing children's immediate desires to dictate decisions, while also validating their feelings. The concept of 'family jobs' is introduced as a framework for setting boundaries and making key decisions as a family unit. The speaker also highlights the significance of teaching children that they must sometimes do things they don't enjoy for the sake of family unity and personal growth. The idea is to help children understand that their feelings are acknowledged but that they should not solely dictate their actions.

05:00

🌟 Instilling Confidence Through Validation and Hope

In this paragraph, the conversation shifts to the role of validation in building a child's confidence. The speaker contrasts the phrases 'I believe you' and 'I hear you,' highlighting the power of belief in instilling self-trust and confidence. The discussion delves into the importance of not dictating children's behavior but acknowledging their emotions. The speaker also touches on the concept of rewards, suggesting that intrinsic motivation derived from overcoming challenges is more beneficial than extrinsic rewards like additional screen time. The emphasis is on helping children see their capabilities and feel valued for their efforts, rather than merely placating them with temporary incentives.

10:01

🤔 The Impact of Validation on Emotional Resilience

The final paragraph continues the theme of validation, focusing on its impact on a child's emotional resilience. The speaker warns against undermining a child's feelings by dismissing their experiences, which can lead to a lack of self-trust. Instead, the speaker advocates for a supportive approach where parents validate their children's feelings without negating them. This includes acknowledging the child's emotions and providing reassurance that their feelings are real and valid. The speaker also discusses the importance of not letting children's feelings dictate their actions, but rather helping them navigate through their emotions to build resilience and self-confidence.

Keywords

💡Validation

Validation in the context of the video refers to the act of acknowledging and confirming a person's feelings, experiences, or point of view as real and legitimate. It is a crucial aspect of parenting, as it helps build a child's self-trust and confidence. The video emphasizes that validation does not mean giving in to a child's desires but rather recognizing their emotions without dictating the outcome. For example, when a child expresses not wanting to visit someone because they don't like their kids, the parent validates the child's feelings but still encourages them to participate in the family activity.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are limits or rules set by parents to guide their children's behavior and decision-making. In the video, boundaries are discussed as essential for establishing a framework for family roles and responsibilities. They are not about controlling children but about making key decisions that are in the best interest of the family and the child's development. The script illustrates this with the example of a parent deciding to attend a family event despite the child's reluctance, using the situation to teach the child about the importance of doing things that are not always enjoyable for the sake of family unity.

💡Confidence

Confidence, as defined in the video, is not about feeling good about oneself but rather about self-trust—the belief in one's own feelings and abilities. It is portrayed as a critical outcome of being believed by others, particularly parents. The script highlights that when parents validate their children's experiences and express belief in their capacity to handle difficult situations, it fosters a sense of self-assurance in the children. For instance, the parent's statement 'I believe you' is a powerful tool for instilling confidence in a child who is apprehensive about social situations.

💡Family Jobs

Family jobs in the video are the roles and responsibilities that each family member has, which contribute to the functioning and well-being of the family unit. The concept is introduced as a framework for understanding one's place within the family and the importance of each member's contribution. It is used to illustrate the idea that children, too, have a part to play in the family, and sometimes this involves doing things they may not enjoy but are necessary for the family's collective good, such as attending a family gathering even if they do not like the other children present.

💡Resistance

Resistance in the video refers to the opposition or reluctance a child may express towards a parent's decision or request. It is a natural part of the parent-child dynamic and is not inherently negative. The script suggests that acknowledging a child's resistance and validating their feelings ('I believe you') is more constructive than either ignoring the resistance or harshly suppressing it. An example from the transcript is a child not wanting to visit someone's house because they do not like the other children there, and the parent's response to validate the child's feelings while still encouraging participation.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to identify, understand, and manage one's emotions. The video discusses the importance of helping children develop this skill, particularly in the context of facing challenging social situations. Parents are encouraged to validate their children's emotions and provide support without necessarily changing the situation. For example, a child feeling overwhelmed during a social event can be reassured and guided on how to cope, such as creating a signal to take a break when feeling overwhelmed.

💡Self-Trust

Self-trust, as highlighted in the video, is the belief in one's own feelings, judgments, and abilities. It is a foundational aspect of building confidence. The transcript emphasizes that when parents express belief in their children's experiences, it reinforces the child's self-trust. This is illustrated when a parent acknowledges a child's reluctance to engage in an activity but also conveys confidence in the child's ability to handle the situation gracefully.

💡Maturity

Maturity in the context of the video refers to the developmental process of growing up and becoming more responsible, self-aware, and capable of handling complex emotions and situations. The script discusses how parents can nurture maturity in their children by setting boundaries and validating feelings without letting the child's desires dictate the outcome. An example is teaching a child that it's okay to feel a certain way but still needing to participate in a family event, which helps the child learn to navigate their emotions and act in a mature manner.

💡Rewards

Rewards in the video are discussed as incentives or outcomes that can motivate children to engage in behaviors or activities they might not initially prefer. The transcript suggests that intrinsic rewards, such as the sense of accomplishment or pride in overcoming a challenge, are more beneficial than extrinsic rewards like extra screen time. An example provided is the feeling of pride a child gets from completing a difficult puzzle or social situation, which is a more meaningful reward than a tangible prize.

💡Dictating Behavior

Dictating behavior refers to controlling or commanding someone to act in a certain way without considering their feelings or desires. The video script warns against this approach, suggesting that it can be harmful to a child's development of self-trust and confidence. Instead, parents are advised to acknowledge their children's feelings and set boundaries that are in the child's best interest, as seen in the example where a parent validates the child's reluctance but still encourages them to attend a family event.

Highlights

The importance of teaching children to engage with others even if they don't like them, emphasizing the value of stepping out of comfort zones.

Validating children's feelings without letting them dictate decisions, maintaining boundaries while acknowledging their emotions.

The concept of 'family jobs' as a framework for setting expectations and responsibilities within the family dynamic.

The distinction between validating children's experiences and allowing their feelings to control the outcome of a situation.

Using phrases like 'I believe you' to instill confidence and self-trust in children, emphasizing the importance of being believed.

The idea that confidence comes from the experience of being believed, rather than just feeling good about oneself.

Encouraging children to do things they don't want to do as a way to prepare for adulthood and develop resilience.

The strategy of creating a 'sign' for children to indicate when they need a break or support during challenging social situations.

Balancing the need to not let children's feelings dictate decisions while also not resorting to anger or accusations.

The role of parents in holding hope for their children's ability to cope with difficult situations, providing a vision of their mature self.

Comparing the role of a good parent to that of a good boss, highlighting the importance of validation and belief in both contexts.

The potential pitfalls of using external rewards like extra screen time as a means to motivate children, versus intrinsic motivation.

The power of intrinsic rewards such as overcoming a challenge or completing a difficult task as a source of genuine satisfaction.

The difference between 'I hear you' and 'I believe you', with the latter providing a deeper level of validation and support.

The psychological impact of being believed, including the development of self-trust and the ability to tolerate one's own feelings.

The importance of not undermining children's feelings by dismissing their experiences, which can lead to a lack of self-trust.

Encouraging children to express and process their feelings with the support of a parent who validates their experience.

The long-term benefits of teaching children to cope with and overcome challenges, setting them up for success in adulthood.

Transcripts

Lately, you say,

"Hey, we're going over so-and-so's house,"

and they say, you know, "I don't like their kids."

You go, "Well, listen,

"you got to learn to play with other kids."

And they go, "No, I don't like their kids."

And you say, "Did something happen?"

And so we're not talking about a dangerous situation.

Yeah. And they're like.

"No, I don't like them.

I just really want to just stay home."

Yeah, this is a great- Yeah.

So are we going to impinge on their, I mean,

because we're teaching them,

either way we're teaching them something.

Yep.

You got to do stuff you don't want to do,

even if you don't like it.

Yep.

And here again, we're ruling out the possibility

that there's something- Of course.

Unsafe about the environment.

Yep. Psychologically.

Or physically unsafe [inhales].

But at the same time we're teaching them,

"Hey, I see you, I hear you.

"But, you know, your desires might not be right."

There's actually a kind of like a tacit message

of the way you feel might not be the best gauge

of what's best for you,

which sends a complicated message to a kid.

Totally.

So this is again, where I think a good inside,

like, family jobs are so useful.

Family jobs, to me, when I used to meet with parents,

and like they describe a situation,

I feel like 90% of the time,

that's where I'd start.

Because then that flows from there.

It's like a framework.

So, wait, what is my job?

I'm the one who sets boundaries.

Like, I am the one who makes key family decisions.

Obviously, as our kids get older,

they should be making some decisions too.

No one likes to feel controlled,

but key decisions.

And my job is to validate my kids' experience.

This is actually complicated because,

again, over and over we think

that validating my kids' experience

means they're going to dictate a decision.

My boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings.

And my kids' feelings should not dictate my boundaries.

They're just two equal things.

So, this is a great example.

My kids are like,

"You know, I don't like playing with those kids

"and can I just stay home with,"

let's just say grandma was home.

"Can I just stay home?"

And I'm like, I just think it's important

to go as a family,

but my kid doesn't want to go.

There's nothing dangerous.

Okay, to me, this is that exact way

of putting family jobs into action.

"Sweetie."

Like, and to me, this phrase,

I wish every parent could say this to their kid,

"I believe you."

If you want to make a kid feel real

and confident for life,

confidence comes from the experience

of being believed.

'Cause that's how you,

for me, confidence is self-trust.

It's not feeling good about yourself.

It's self-trust.

I really do know the way I feel.

So let's say I say to my son in that situation,

it's, "I believe you."

I'd start that way.

"I believe you.

"Look, I know you want

"to play football all day

"and the kid around your age hates football.

"Like, that would probably be lowest

"on your list of types of kids

"you'd want to hang out with for the afternoon.

"I totally believe you."

"And in this family,

"we know that sometimes we have

"to do things we don't love to do.

"We do that for a family experience."

I say this to my kid all the time,

"You know, also just to end up being a good adult,

"you just have to end up practicing as a kid,

"doing things you don't want to do.

"Things that are boring,

"things that aren't your preference.

"So, you know, you notch in your belt for that.

"So, you don't have to thank me.

"And, also I know you have it in you

"to do your best to be polite and engaged.

"Like I just, I know you're a good kid

"and this isn't what you want.

"And I know we're going to get through it."

Now if it's really hard, maybe I'm,

"Hey, let's create a sign.

"Like, can you look at me and go make that,

"when you feel like you're kind of at this

"and then me and you we're going to go to the bathroom.

"I'm going to give you a hug."

And, I'm going to say, "I know this isn't what you want.

"And when we get home,

"we could watch that football game,"

whatever it was, right?

Because what we often do is we leave ourselves

with two choices with kids.

We either say, "Fine, stay home."

Their feelings actually just dictated the decision.

That's not helpful for them.

I don't want my kid to learn

in life when I don't want to do something people twist

and turn to make that thing not happen.

Like that's disturbing for adulthood expectations.

But then we do the other thing,

which is like, "You are so selfish.

"Just because you don't have a friend your age

"doesn't mean that you can't come with us."

So, we either let their feelings dictate,

or we think our boundaries kind of give us the right

to be mad at our kid, right?

Like to do both is so important.

And so that's where I think to me,

when I hear impingement,

like I actually think

that is the exact space

where you have the most bang

for your buck as a parent.

Like, it's not enjoyable.

And again, if I have my beautiful intervention

with my son, do not think my kid will look

at me and say, "I love how you explain that.

"That was so beautiful."

No, he's going to roll his eyes.

My job is not to take the bait 'cause I'm an adult.

And to also hold hope.

I think that's really important,

this concept of I'm validating my kids' feelings

where they are today,

but I need to be the one to hold hope

that they can cope with it.

If I can't name to my kid,

"I know you're going to get through it."

They're not going to be able to see

that kind of next more mature version of themselves.

And I actually think it's the same as your best boss.

You know, it was like,

"I know you don't want to go on this trip."

I don't, whatever it is,

"I know this presentation topic isn't the one

"you would've chosen.

"And there were 10 things

"and this was literally number 10.

"I totally get that.

"And it stinks.

"And I'm not taking anything away from that.

"And this is the thing I need you to do.

"And I know something about you.

"Like when you put your mind to something,

"you always do a great job.

"And, like, it's probably not going to be enjoyable,

"but I do know you're going to do a great job on this."

Like, [inhales] that's like the boss you want!

Amazing. Right.

Are you adopting children by the way?

I- Because I actually.

I finished college.

[Becky laughs]

I actually- You, I'd consider Andrew.

Okay. Adult children.

[Andrew laughs]

What I'm hearing is don't dictate their behavior

and I'm going to underline in bold dictate,

don't dictate their behavior.

"You're going to do this because I said so."

Yes. That's dictatorship.

But at the same time,

don't quash the emotion

behind the resistance,

can acknowledge it, make them feel real.

"I believe you."

Yes. I love this phrase.

Amazing, and I love your definition of confidence.

If people didn't hear that,

we're definitely going to repeat it again.

And we're going to etch it into your neural circuitry.

'Cause I love that.

It's a self-trust.

Yes.

And this notion of giving hope,

you're giving them an incentive

that's based on a reward that's actually good for them,

that they can translate to other situations as well.

Wow!

So much there. Can I double-click

On reward. Please.

Because you know what made me think?

I didn't think until you said that.

Like, I think in a situation,

we'd would you be tempted to say like,

"And if you go and you're polite,

"I'll give you 20 extra minutes of Roblox."

Right, that's like [inhales]

and first of all,

let me just say something like,

whatever I say to you, like for listeners,

like, it's not like I do this stuff

all the time [laughs] with my actual kids.

I'm the first one sometimes to be like,

"Here's your thing, I have to dangle."

We'll provide a little section

in the comment section

on YouTube where your kids can...

No, I'm just kidding. Yeah, exactly.

Your kids are forbidden.

No, oh wait, that's, wait, that's dictating.

[Becky laughs]

We understand why you,

I believe that you would want to comment,

[Becky laughs]

but we're going to trust,

we're going to let you know why it's good

for you if you don't-

anyway. Exactly.

I'll practice this on someone else's kid.

But the reward, like the [sighs],

when your kid ends up seeing themself capable

of doing something

they didn't previously think they could do,

that, you know better than me,

like, I feel like that is like one of the best rewards.

Even if it's getting through a social situation

or I think about this a lot with,

you know, my little kid is I don't know,

like struggling with a puzzle or something.

And I could just do it for them.

Or if help them kind of regulate,

"Oh, this is a hard puzzle.

"And you can take a break.

"I just know you're going to figure it out today.

"I just know it."

And then because of that, they get there.

That feels in your body,

like that is the best kind of reward

and it's the type of reward

that works for kids in a adulthood.

When they're in a job,

we want them to be motivated

by the feeling they're going to have of pride,

not be saying, "Hey, I finished by thing early.

"Do I get a bonus," to they're boss.

Like that's not going to play out as well.

I love it.

I'm just pausing and shaking my head,

only 'cause I love it so much.

And I just want to make sure that i don't quickly move

to the next question, without drilling down even deeper-

into some of these concepts. Yeah.

I believe you as the feedback,

a response that can instill real confidence over time.

Not to get too nuanced here,

but how is different,

because I sense it is different than, "I hear you."

I hear you, but-

[laughs] you're going to. Yes.

Do this anyway [laughs].

Yes. Or, I hear you.

But listen in this family, dah, dah, dah.

Yeah.

I believe you, the word, believe, is powerful.

And I believe there's real power in specific words,

as is, for instance, sturdiness.

Again, that's such a powerful and underused word.

I believe you.

You're a psychologist,

what do you think we're hearing when somebody says,

"I believe you," that's different than, "I hear you."

I haven't listed these out,

but I think we all have these core needs as humans.

And I think being believed is one of them,

because it's one of them,

it's someone else else kind of saying,

[sighs] like, "You're real."

That's what, I might not feel what you're feeling,

but that thing that feels strong to you,

that nobody can see or measure, is real.

And when I think about the most confident people,

I think about this girl who I went to Duke with,

and she was just brilliant, like so smart.

We were in this seminar.

It was one of these small classes

where this professor was talking about stuff

and like for one felt like,

I have no idea what this person's talking about.

But, I was like no one else is stopping,

and this girl raised her hand and she says,

"I'm sorry is everyone else is annoyed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about,

"because I usually do.

"Is there anyway you could say that in a different way."

That is like to me, the utmost version of confidence.

That she believed her own experience of confusion,

was real confusion.

She didn't think it was a sign she was stupid.

She believed it.

She believed herself.

That is so confident.

And, I think when someone says,

"I hear you," it's like a version of listening.

There's many worse phrases.

No damage is done.

When we follow anything with but, but,

we tend to invalidate.

That's not good anyway.

"I believe you but," is also not going to...

But there's a million examples of this to me

that build confidence.

And I actually think there's so many situations

with kids where they say situations,

and we rate, "Oh, they have low confidence,"

and then we intervene to quote, make them feel better,

which actually is the thing that lowers their confidence,

'cause it's like we say to them,

"I don't believe you.

"You're not really feeling [laughs] the way you feel."

Where "I believe you," is the exact opposite.

So like, I like to give examples,

because it makes it concrete.

Like my kid will come home

and say, I don't know,

ah, "I was picked last for dodgeball today.

"I was picked last in something."

And they're clearly, very, very sad, right.

And we want to say to them, "It's no big deal.

"Everyone's picked last sometimes.

"Remember yesterday you told me,

"you we're picked first for basketball"

And we think, I need to build up my kid's confidence.

Those are confidence, I don't want to say destroying,

reducing interventions.

'Cause a kid is kind of coming to a parent,

basically saying, "I'm very, very upset,

"that I was picked last."

And we're saying to a kid, no you weren't.

And they're like, "But I am."

And what they learn, this is really terrifying to me,

is that other people are better feelers

of my feelings than I am.

And that has like a million really scary interpersonal,

I think, relationship [laughs], kind of consequences

later down in life.

But, when a kid says, "I was picked last,

"and nobody even wants me,

"and they all think I'm the worst athlete,"

whatever kids say,

just sit and say some version of like,

"I'm so glad we're talking about this,

"and I can tell that was a really hard gym class

"and sweetie, like, I believe you."

You will watch your kid,

it is crazy to me what parents tell me happen,

when they say those words to their kids.

They're like, it also,

just like literally, diffused everything,

and they were like ready to move on,

liKe they are just trying to tell you probably,

like I was feeling something,

it was a lot, it was confusing,

or feelings are always hardest when we're alone in them.

So, I was alone in it and I'm bringing it to you.

When someone says, "I believe you,"

not only are they giving you that core need,

they're also just like,

they're like sitting down with you in it.

And that makes everything better,

and then meanwhile,

what I kid feels like when we say, "I believe you,"

to a hard experience or a hard feeling is

"The feelings that overwhelm me,

"don't overwhelm my parents.

"They can tolerate it.

"They're not scare of me kind

"of being a loser in gym class one day.

"And if my parent likes me

"when I have that feeling,

"like I can start to like myself

"when I have that feeling."

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