What Women Really Look for in a Partner | Sarah Hill

Summary

The transcript explores the dynamics of success, attractiveness, and competition among men, particularly in high-end professions like law. It delves into the concept of using wealth as a marker for competence and generosity, which women find attractive. The discussion also touches on the evolutionary biology behind men's competitive nature, suggesting that it stems from hunting and the collective benefit of elevating skilled hunters or warriors. Additionally, it highlights the phenomenon of 'leking' behavior in humans, where men align with high-status individuals to indirectly attract mates, and the concept of 'mate choice copying', where women infer hidden qualities in men based on their companions.

Takeaways

• 🏆 Men often view success and attractiveness as linked, with success being a means to increase their attractiveness to women.
• 💼 High-end lawyers, particularly men, view bonuses not just as financial rewards, but as a way to keep score in the competition for reputation.
• 🌟 A stellar reputation is seen as more attractive to women than wealth alone, suggesting that women value competence and the ability to generate wealth.
• 🤔 The script challenges the notion that women are primarily attracted to wealth, instead suggesting that wealth is a marker for competence and generosity.
• 🏃‍♂️ Men compete among themselves for a reputation based on competence, which is seen as a collective and individual benefit in terms of reproductive fitness.
• 🔍 The script suggests that men value competence possibly as a result of evolutionary pressures from hunting, where collective success was more important than individual success.
• 🦘 In hunter-gatherer societies, sharing the spoils of the hunt was crucial for establishing a reputation as a generous person, which in turn affected one's social standing.
• 🤺 The script discusses the evolutionary benefits of aligning oneself with powerful individuals, such as great hunters or warriors, for mutual benefit.
• 🐸 The concept of 'lekking behavior' is introduced, where males gather to attract mates, and the loudest or most impressive male attracts the most females, a behavior mirrored in human social dynamics.
• 👥 The script also touches on 'mate copying' in humans, where women may infer hidden qualities in a man based on the attractiveness of his female partner, especially if there is a perceived gap in attractiveness.

Q & A

What is the relationship between success and attractiveness to women according to the transcript?

The transcript suggests that men understand there is a relationship between their success and their attractiveness to women, with success often being a measure of competitiveness and reputation, which in turn makes them more attractive.

Why were the high-end lawyers interested in their year-end bonuses?

The high-end lawyers were not primarily interested in the money from their year-end bonuses for personal gain, but rather as a means of keeping score in the competitive game of professional reputation.

What does the transcript suggest about women's perception of wealth in relation to attractiveness?

The transcript suggests that women do not simply pursue wealth for its own sake, but rather use wealth as a marker for competence, which is a sign of the ability to generate wealth and share it generously.

How does the transcript explain the competitive nature of men in the context of evolution?

The transcript proposes that men's competitive nature may have evolved from hunting, where collective success was more important than individual success, and interpersonal skills were crucial for establishing relationships within the group.

Why might men elevate a fellow hunter or warrior to a high status, even if it means he has an advantage in reproduction?

Men might elevate a fellow hunter or warrior because it is in their collective and individual interest to be associated with the best provider, which could enhance their own reproductive fitness through the provision of food across hunts.

What is the concept of 'leking' as mentioned in the transcript?

Leking is a behavior observed in some species where males gather in a specific area to attract mates through displays, such as croaking in the case of frogs, which attracts females to the most impressive display.

How does the transcript relate leking behavior to human social dynamics?

The transcript suggests that human social dynamics share similarities with leking behavior, where men may align themselves with high-status individuals to benefit from the reflected glory and potentially attract mates.

What is 'mate choice copying' as discussed in the transcript?

Mate choice copying is a phenomenon where females observe the mate choices of other females, assuming that if a high-status male is with a seemingly average partner, there must be hidden qualities that make him desirable.

How does the perceived gap in attractiveness between a couple influence mate choice copying?

The transcript indicates that the larger the perceived gap in attractiveness between a couple, the more likely women are to assume that the male has hidden, stellar qualities that make him a desirable partner.

What strategy does the transcript humorously suggest for an 'under-endowed' male to improve his attractiveness?

The transcript humorously suggests that an 'under-endowed' male could improve his attractiveness by aligning himself with a beautiful woman, which might lead others to assume he has hidden, amazing qualities.

How does the transcript describe the complexity of human mating strategies?

The transcript describes human mating strategies as incredibly complex and comical, involving a mix of competition, cooperation, and the perception of hidden qualities in potential mates.

Outlines

00:00

💼 The Competitive Nature of Men's Success and Attraction

This paragraph discusses the relationship between men's success and their attractiveness to women. It highlights that men view financial success, particularly bonuses, as a way to keep score in the competition for reputation. The speaker suggests that women are not primarily attracted to wealth itself but rather to the competence and generosity it signifies. The discussion also delves into the evolutionary biology perspective, suggesting that women use wealth as an indicator of a man's ability to generate wealth and share it generously. The speaker further explores why men compete for competence-based reputation, drawing parallels with hunting and combat scenarios where collective success is more important than individual success.

05:01

🐸 Lecking Behavior and Mate Attraction in Humans

This paragraph explores the concept of 'lecking' behavior, originally observed in non-human animals, where males gather to attract mates. The speaker compares this to human behavior, suggesting that men who align themselves with high-status individuals can indirectly attract women by association. The paragraph also touches on the idea of 'mate copying', where women may infer hidden qualities in a man based on his association with a beautiful woman. The speaker humorously suggests that an unattractive man could improve his chances of attracting a woman by being seen in the company of a beautiful woman, as it might lead others to believe he has exceptional, albeit hidden, qualities.

Keywords

💡Success

Success in the video script is tied to an individual's ability to achieve goals, particularly in a competitive environment. It is mentioned in the context of how men perceive success as a factor that makes them more attractive to women. The script suggests that success is not an end in itself but a means to an end, specifically to gain a competitive edge in social and romantic contexts.

💡Attraction

Attraction, as discussed in the script, is the force that draws individuals towards one another, often based on perceived qualities such as success, competence, and wealth. It is highlighted that women may use wealth as an indicator of a man's ability to generate and share resources, which is a form of attraction based on evolutionary biology principles.

💡Competition

Competition is a central theme in the script, referring to the drive among men to outperform their peers in various domains, such as career success and social status. It is suggested that competition is not merely for the sake of winning but to establish a reputation that can make them more attractive to the opposite sex.

💡Reputation

Reputation is portrayed as a critical social currency in the script, influencing how individuals are perceived by others, particularly in terms of their competence and generosity. It is linked to the idea that a stellar reputation can enhance a man's attractiveness to women, beyond mere wealth.

💡Wealth

Wealth in the script is discussed as a marker for attractiveness, not for its own sake but as an indicator of a man's competence and ability to provide for others. It is suggested that women may use wealth as a sign of a man's potential as a partner, based on his capacity to generate and share resources.

💡Evolutionary Biology

Evolutionary Biology is mentioned in the script as the scientific field that provides insights into human behavior, particularly in terms of mate selection and the use of wealth as a marker for attractiveness. It is used to support the idea that women are biologically inclined to seek out competent and generous partners.

💡Hunting

Hunting is used in the script as a metaphor for the collective efforts of men in ancient societies to secure resources, which is tied to the development of interpersonal skills and the value of competence. It is suggested that the act of hunting and the distribution of its spoils contributed to the evolution of social behaviors that still influence modern human interactions.

💡Generosity

Generosity is highlighted in the script as a key trait that contributes to a man's reputation and, by extension, his attractiveness to women. It is linked to the idea that sharing resources, particularly in the context of hunting, fosters social bonds and reciprocity.

💡Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal Skills are discussed in the context of establishing and maintaining relationships with others, which is crucial for collective success in activities like hunting. The script suggests that these skills are as important, if not more so, than individual competence in determining a man's social standing.

💡Lecking Behavior

Lecking Behavior is introduced in the script as a mating strategy observed in some animal species, where males gather to display their qualities to attract females. The script draws a parallel between this behavior and human social dynamics, where men may align themselves with high-status individuals to enhance their own attractiveness.

💡Mate Choice Copying

Mate Choice Copying is a phenomenon described in the script where women may infer the qualities of a man based on the company he keeps, particularly if he is seen with an attractive woman. This behavior is likened to that observed in other species, suggesting that women may perceive hidden qualities in a man who is in the company of someone more socially or physically attractive.

Highlights

Men view success and attractiveness as interconnected, influencing their competitive behaviors.

High-end lawyers, both male and female, show distinct attitudes towards money as a competitive scorekeeper rather than a personal gain.

Men's motivation in competition is not just for status but for a stellar reputation, which makes them more attractive to women.

Wealth is considered by women as a marker for a man's competence and potential for generosity, not just for financial status.

Evolutionary biology suggests that women seek wealth as an indicator of a man's ability to provide and share resources.

Men compete for a competence-based reputation, which paradoxically can lead to elevating others for collective and individual benefits.

Ancient hunting practices may have influenced the value men place on competence and the benefits of aligning with skilled hunters.

The act of sharing spoils from hunts is crucial for establishing a reputation for generosity and ensuring reciprocity.

Men may elevate the best hunter or warrior for the collective benefits, even at the cost of individual reproductive success.

The concept of aligning with powerful individuals for mutual benefits is explored in the context of hunting and combat.

Lecking behavior in non-human animals is mirrored in human social dynamics, where males gather to attract mates.

Males may benefit from being associated with high-status individuals, gaining reflected glory and potential mating opportunities.

Women may perceive hidden qualities in men who are in the company of high-status males, suggesting a strategy for under-endowed males.

Mate choice copying is a phenomenon where women infer a man's worth based on the company he keeps, especially with attractive women.

The magnitude of the perceived gap between a woman's attractiveness and a man's appearance influences the perceived hidden qualities of the man.

The discussion humorously suggests that an under-endowed male could improve his attractiveness by being seen with a beautiful woman.

The complexity and humor of human mating strategies are highlighted, reflecting the intricate social dynamics at play.

Transcripts

men understand that there's a

relationship between how successful they

are and how attractive they are to women

like and and part of what they motivates

them is the game of that competition so

I worked with high-end lawyers for about

15 years both men and women and and

found some very interesting differences

in that but the men even regarded the

money they made in bonuses at the end of

the year for outstanding performance

they weren't so interested in the money

they were interested in the money as a

means of keeping score it was a means of

winning the competition and you might

say well competition for what and the

answer to that is well let's call it

competition not for status exactly but

for reputation but the consequence of a

stellar reputation is that and men who

have that are much more attractive to

women and you might say well women go

after wealth but I think that's nonsense

and I think that's also be lied by the

relevant evolutionary biology Theory

because what it shows and tell tell me

if I've got this wrong is that women use

wealth as a marker for attractiveness

because they use wealth as a marker for

competence and what they're after is the

ability to generate wealth and and and

to and to share it and to be generous

with it has to be both productivity and

generosity and a decent marker for the

capacity to generate wealth Is wealth

although it's not the only criteria so

women are looking for competence and Men

it's a very strange thing about men you

know they compete among themselves for

competence-based

reputation and now I've been trying to

figure out why because you can imagine a

like a a movie scenario where um you

know the quarterback of the football

team wins A major championship and all

the other men put him on his shoulders

and you know bring him out of the

stadium and he sleeps with the

cheerleader that night and you might ask

yourself well why in the world would the

men group together to elevate a given

man to that sort of status if it means

that he's going to be the one that

successfully reproduces and my suspicion

is that men learned to Value

competence probably as a consequence of

hunting

so any given Hunter no matter how good

he is at hunting is going to fail in

most hunts so now if Men band together

to hunt then the collective success is

much larger and so what that means is

that if you're going to be a hunter that

provides a cross- hunting bouts your

skill as a hunter is one determinant but

your interpersonal skill in negotiating

and establishing relationships with the

rest of the hunters is even more

important so among hunter gatherers for

example if you're the one who brings

down the animal it's incumbent on you to

downplay your contribution and to

distribute the best parts of the animal

to other people and you're doing that to

Foster your reputation as a generous

person and you're doing that in part to

ensure that there's reciprocity in food

distribution across multiple hunts now

the men are going to be willing to

elevate the highest Hunter to the

highest position because I think it's in

their Collective

interest it's in their Collective

interest and in their individual

interest to be the followers of the best

man and I think that's so important in

terms of their own reproductive Fitness

which would be tied to the provision of

food across hunts that they're willing

to take the reproductive hit that's what

would you say implicit in elevating any

given man among all other men you could

think about that in in terms of hunting

and you could think about that in terms

of combat too you know if you put the

most heroic Warrior on your shoulders

you give him an evolutionary Edge but if

you're in his group well then you've got

the benefits of being with The Greatest

Warrior and the greatest hunter and so I

don't know if the evolutionary

biologists have been able to calculate

out the relationship between

establishing a reciprocal relationship

with a great hunter or great warrior

versus the costs of men competing to

elevate a given man to the highest

possible position it's a very weird

thing that men do no I think that I

think you're I think you hit the nail in

the head though I mean I think that the

benefits of aligning yourself with

somebody who's very powerful that I mean

think about it if there's somebody and

like let's say that he's you know 1.0

and you're sort of 1

one um and so there's somebody who's

who's a better performer than you you

could get your ass kicked if you keep

trying to have to you know fight with

this guy so there's a big cost to you to

trying to to overturn this person and

there's a lot of benefits of aligning

with the person who's also really

competent it's especially true if it's a

Paro distribution in terms of competence

right because the really competent

person might be like a hundred times

more competent well right exactly and so

it's like I think that there's there's a

lot of benefits that come espec

especially to men because of the hunting

context of aligning with another man in

that context and there's also this um

tendency in other so this has been very

well studied in non-human animals um but

we see a very similar version of this in

humans but have you ever heard of leing

lecking behavior so a Le is a place

where males within a species will gather

um to attract mates it's almost like a

club it's like the like the frogs like

frogs for example are a leing species

and the males will all go to this

display area and they croak right and

and this is what attracts the females

and so the females will go toward where

they hear the loudest most impressive

croak because that male generally is

larger in body size and has higher

levels of testosterone and it will have

so the louder male attracts all the all

the females and so the males all want to

hang out with this guy because he's

attracting all the women and the same is

true if we if men align themselves

that's with um yeah with with you know

somebody who's really high perform I

mean if you go out for drinks with Tom

Brady it's not too bad to be Tom Brady

2.0 you know you're going to be able

bask in the reflective Glory bask in the

reflected Glory right well and then

women would also assume that if the

extraordinarily High status male is

hanging around with some character who

looks like a dweeb on the surface that

there might be hidden depths and utility

to his character or advantages in the

mere fact that he's proximal absolutely

so women use that a lot in fact some of

my very early research um this is like

this is going deep this is when I was in

graduate school I studied this

phenomenon in humans mate Choice copying

because this is another thing that you

see in females of other species but you

also see it in us and this is males tend

to be a somewhat ambiguous stimulus

package um because most males a lot of

the qualities that women are looking for

aren't immediately available just based

on physical appearance right so women

have to kind of sus out like what what

is there about this guy and so when

women see a beautiful woman with kind of

an average looking guy guy the first

thing they think is what he must be rich

um or he must have some really amazing

personality he must be really high in

status um and I wonder is that magnified

if he's unattractive because one of the

things you might suspect is that if a

very beautiful woman is with a man who's

very nondescript that there must be

something about him that's absolutely

Stellar absolutely Stellar yes and so

the magnitude of the gap between the the

woman how beautiful the woman is and

then the appearance of the man sort of

um is linked with the degree to which

women perceive that he has these amazing

hidden qualities that make him a

desirable partner the bigger the Gap the

more amazing the qualities the smaller

the Gap the less amazing the qualities

oh that's very funny I so the right the

proper mating strategy is if if you're a

spectacularly under endowed male is to

hire a beautiful wom woman to go to

clubs with you absolutely absolutely and

you would actually probably do better

than a a more attractive man with the

same woman people would think that you

must really have something going on to

have attracted her and look like that

right right oh that's insanely

complicated and that's insanely insanely

comp comical that's insanely comical

[Music]

yeah