When A Narcissist Shifts From Promising To Devastating
Summary
TLDRThe video discusses how to manage anger and conflict with narcissists, introducing a comprehensive course called 'Anger Games.' It explains that narcissists often play head games and highlights the importance of recognizing their manipulative tactics. The speaker shares insights from their counseling experience, emphasizing the significance of learning from painful relationships. Key points include understanding narcissists' self-absorption, rationalization, and projection, as well as the importance of self-reliance and patience during recovery. Resources like therapy and online courses are recommended for further support.
Takeaways
- π€ Conflict with a narcissist often leads to psychological manipulation and head games.
- π The speaker offers a course called 'Anger Games' to help manage anger and conflict with narcissists.
- π Many individuals seek therapy to improve their lives and find healthy ways of living.
- π Optimistic and curious individuals can sometimes unknowingly become entangled with narcissists.
- π Narcissists are skilled at image crafting, making them appear supportive and trustworthy, which can lead to betrayal and disappointment.
- π Narcissists may isolate their partners from family and friends, leading to feelings of loneliness and devastation when the relationship ends.
- π£οΈ Narcissists often betray confidences, sharing personal information inappropriately and causing humiliation and embarrassment.
- π The end of a relationship with a narcissist can lead to collateral damage, affecting family gatherings and social circles.
- π€ Learning from these experiences involves understanding the patterns of selfishness and manipulation inherent in narcissism.
- π± The speaker encourages self-reflection and learning from these painful experiences, rather than merely holding contempt for the narcissist.
Q & A
What is the main purpose of the course mentioned in the script?
-The main purpose of the course, titled 'Anger Games', is to teach individuals how to manage anger and conflict with a narcissist.
What is a common characteristic of individuals who seek therapy as described in the script?
-The individuals who seek therapy are often in search of a healthy way of life, are coachable, teachable, and are looking for insights and understandings to improve their experiences.
How do narcissists typically create an image to deceive others, as mentioned in the script?
-Narcissists are adept at image crafting, making themselves appear friendly, engaging, and helpful to give the impression that they are on your team or will be there for you.
What is an example of a situation where a narcissist might alienate someone from their support system?
-An example is a young man marrying a woman who initially appears friendly and supportive but over time alienates him from his family and friends, isolating him and taking control of his life.
How can a narcissist's behavior lead to feelings of humiliation and betrayal in a relationship?
-A narcissist might share sensitive information or spread rumors about the other person, leading to feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, and betrayal when the person realizes their trust was misplaced.
What is the term used in the script to describe the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist?
-The term used is 'collateral damage', referring to the additional pain and complications that arise after the relationship ends.
What is a key lesson individuals can learn from dealing with a narcissist, according to the script?
-A key lesson is understanding that narcissists don't truly invest in relationships but rather manage them, focusing on what they can get from others.
How do narcissists typically handle situations when things go wrong, as described in the script?
-Narcissists often blame others, rationalize their actions, and project their issues onto others, avoiding introspection and taking responsibility.
What advice is given in the script for individuals dealing with the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist?
-The advice includes being patient with oneself, seeking therapy, learning from the experience, and focusing on personal growth and self-care.
What resources are mentioned in the script for individuals seeking help and guidance?
-The script mentions online courses, webinars, articles, podcasts, books, and therapy services like BetterHelp as resources for individuals seeking help.
Outlines
π€ Managing Anger and Conflict with Narcissists
This paragraph introduces a course called 'Anger Games' that aims to help individuals manage anger and conflict with narcissists. The speaker reflects on their experience in a counseling office, where they observed many people seeking a healthier way of life. They discuss the deceptive nature of narcissists, who often create a false image of being supportive and caring, only to later reveal their true, self-serving motives. The speaker uses examples such as a young man who is alienated from his family and friends by his narcissistic wife, and a person who finds out their confided secrets have been spread by a supposed friend. The paragraph highlights the emotional devastation and isolation that can result from such relationships.
π Lessons from Devastating Relationships
In this paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the importance of learning from the devastation caused by relationships with narcissists. They suggest that instead of harboring resentment, individuals should reflect on what they have learned about narcissism, such as the manipulative and self-serving nature of these individuals. The speaker points out that narcissists manage relationships for their own benefit, are highly self-absorbed, and are adept at rationalization and blame-shifting. They also mention that narcissists view independence as a threat and are uncomfortable with burdens in others' lives. The speaker advises patience with oneself, time to grieve, and the importance of minimalism and self-reliance in healing from such relationships.
πͺ Moving Forward After Narcissistic Relationships
The final paragraph focuses on how to move forward after experiencing a narcissistic relationship. The speaker encourages viewers to be patient with themselves, to minimize social activities if needed, and to engage in self-reflection to learn from the experience. They suggest that therapy can be beneficial in processing these emotions and learning how to approach future relationships differently. The speaker also promotes their online courses, webinars, and resources that can help individuals heal and develop healthier relationships. They remind viewers that they are not alone and that understanding and learning from these experiences can lead to personal growth and a more committed approach to one's own well-being.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Narcissist
π‘Anger Games
π‘Image Crafting
π‘Alienation
π‘Self-Absorption
π‘Rationalization
π‘Projection
π‘Independence
π‘Compartmentalization
π‘Collateral Damage
π‘Therapy
Highlights
Introduction of a new course called 'Anger Games' to manage anger and conflict with a narcissist.
Importance of seeking a healthy way of life and being coachable and teachable.
The danger of becoming entangled with individuals who appear to be optimistic but are actually narcissists.
Narcissists are skilled at image crafting to make themselves look good.
Examples of how narcissists can isolate individuals from their family and friends.
The betrayal felt when a narcissist breaks confidences and spreads personal information.
The shock of discovering a narcissist's hidden behaviors, such as extramarital affairs.
The concept of 'ghosting' in relationships with narcissists.
The collateral damage that occurs when relationships with narcissists unravel.
Learning from the experience of dealing with narcissists and understanding their patterns of selfishness.
Narcissists do not invest in relationships but manage them for personal gain.
The self-absorption of narcissists and how it affects their interactions.
Narcissists' ability to rationalize their actions and blame others.
The threat that independence poses to narcissists and their reactions to it.
Narcissists' tendency to compartmentalize and quickly turn off their feelings when faced with negatives.
The importance of being patient with oneself and allowing time to grieve after a relationship with a narcissist ends.
The value of minimalism and self-care in healing from the effects of a narcissistic relationship.
Learning to lean less on others and more on one's own internal wisdom.
The importance of not giving up on one's own positive qualities despite the devastation caused by a narcissist.
The potential for finding peace and steadiness in life despite turmoil.
Resources available for further learning and healing, including courses, webinars, podcasts, and books.
Transcripts
once you find yourself in conflict with
a narcissist it's a virtual guarantee
they're going to start playing head
games with you that's why I put together
a new course it's very extensive called
anger games I'm going to teach you how
to manage anger and conflict with a
narcissist there's a link below that's
going to show you how to register and I
hope that you find it to be very
insightful
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
over the years that I was in the
counseling office with many individuals
it was a delight to know that so many of
the people that came to my office for
therapy were in search of the healthy
way of life uh they can see that things
had not gone well in their own personal
lives or in individuals they've known
and they come in thinking how can I
improve upon what I've experienced so
far and it's a delight when you get to
work with somebody who says I'm
coachable I'm teachable I just need to
have some insights and understandings so
I can move forward one of the things
that happens with these kind of
individuals who approach life with a
certain amount of optimism and a
willingness to learn a curiosity is that
they can become Tangled with individuals
who might give the appearance that they
too would be in that same category only
for this individual to find out it was
all fool's gold and there are so many
times when uh individuals have been
connected with someone who proves to be
narcissistic and this is very true
especially in covert narcissist
situations where they look back and
realize what I experienced with that
person that I thought was okay was image
crafting narcissists are Adept at
creating an image that's going to make
them look good and so they can give you
the impression hey I want I'm on your
team with you or I'm I'm going to be
here for you only for you to find out
that there's much behind the scenes that
they're just not letting you know up
front let me give you an idea of what
I'm talking about let let's suppose that
a young man marries a woman who's uh
very friendly and says all the right
things and is very engaging and helpful
but over time this now wife alienates
him from his family of origin alienates
him from his friends and wants to
completely take over you know what he
does in schedule and then the
relationship falls apart and this guy is
isolated it's like I'm I'm devastated
what am I supposed to do now that I had
been pulled away from the people that
mean the most to me and and uh now I'm
feeling so terribly lonely or it may be
that you've had a a strong friendship
with someone and you've thought this is
it I've I've really wanted to be
connected with someone who uh cares
about me greatly and then you find out
later that something that you had shared
with that person that supposed friend
that was of a delicate Nature has been
spread all over the place and it's like
but I was counting on you to keep
confidence and they didn't and you're
devastated because you feel humiliated
embarrassed and betrayed it could be
that you have somebody in your Social
Circles or in your um extended family
that was uh very friendly and engaging
you thought only for you to find out
that that person had had an was having a
a long-term extramarital affair perhaps
with some that you knew it's like oo I
did not see that coming and it's
devastating because then when you get
back to uh to the circles that you were
in uh then it's like we don't know what
to do with this person or it could be
that uh and I've heard this one so many
times that you were connected with
someone that you felt like was going in
a good direction and then they just
ghost you it's like I thought we had
something good going I've even had
people saying I thought we were going to
get married or I I thought I thought
this was going to be my best friend for
life and it's like crickets that they
return text or phone calls Etc I mean
the possibilities are so strong where
you have a promising kind of
relationship only to find out that that
it was just a little more than hype and
that person did not live up to it then
to add to it once uh the the
relationship starts unraveling and
coming apart there are certain elements
that will'll call collateral damage that
come along with it that just add more
pain to your circumstance for example uh
when uh when there's been a devastating
loss of a relationship family gatherings
may not be as as pleasant as they used
to be or people take sides and they
start making assumptions about you that
are erroneous or you just wind up
feeling jaded it's like well who can I
trust and and uh who can I be open with
uh maybe you lost a lot of money or you
lost status and work organ uh work or
organizations it's in these times when
you have these once promising
relationships that fall apart and you're
at that place of Devastation it's like
I'm blown away I I don't know what to do
it's in these times that you're in your
greatest learning chair if you will it's
like okay rather than saying I hate
these people and I'm just going to uh
hold hold them in contempt okay I
appreciate you feel of the way you feel
but it's at that moment that you want to
ask what am I learning and specifically
what am I learning about this pattern of
selfishness that so many people people
get caught up in that we refer to as
narcissism their control and their
manipulations and their phoniness what
am I learning about that well there's
there are quite a few lessons and if
you'll listen to them then you can
actually become a better person for
having been through this I'm sorry
you've had to go through what you've had
one of the things you learn is that
narcissists don't really invest in
relationships they manage relationships
you see the distinction rather than
thinking my heart is in it what they're
thinking is what can I get from you and
as long as I'm getting what I get then
I'm okay but I have all sorts of other
things on the side that I'm not dealing
with and so I just need to make sure
that you're doing what I want you to do
and that can be a very disillusioning
thought for you but that's how
narcissists do it they they they're
managers of you as opposed to invest it
in your heart uh in addition one of the
things you begin learning is that when
you're dealing with a narcissist there
self-absorption is off the chart and and
it's really sad when you say even when
they seem to be tuned into you even when
you are on the receiving end of their
kindness and their pleasantness even
that can be driven by their
self-absorption it's kind of like oh I'm
getting what I want right now of course
you don't see it at the time but that's
what you eventually learn as you look
back and try to make sense of it all in
addition you see that one of the things
you learn about narcissism is they have
an incredibly strong capacity for for
rationalization if you were to sit down
with that person and say tell me what
happened or what's going on here you
would hear one lame excuse after another
and they believe it and uh unfortunately
U it it's going to be much much of it's
going to be on you which then takes us
to another thing that you can learn
about narcissism and that is when things
go wrong narcissists don't have that
introspective nature what they do is
blame they'll say you were a devious
person and what they're doing uh very
commonly as they're projecting or you
shared something personal about me with
someone else when in fact it may have
been something incredibly minor and but
they're accusing you of breaking
confidences or you have problems with
anger when in fact there would be times
when that person could Rage or have
contempt and you had some frustration
but what they'll do is uh they can build
a case against you and they project so
much of their garbage as a way of
protecting
themselves another thing you learn and
this is in learning in the hard way is
your Independence your Independence is a
threat to them they don't like you to be
your own distinct person uh perhaps you
didn't realize it at the time but that
person had a groove for you they had a
mold they had slots that you were
supposed to stay in and then when you
began showing that you wanted to be your
own unique person that didn't work very
well also narcissists uh operate with
the the idea that when you have burdens
in your life then they consider that to
be something that's a deal killer for
example if you have step kids that
you're trying to uh come to terms with
and they don't know what to do with that
or maybe you have a physical element or
maybe you've just had some sort of
situation that's required extra
attention from you it's like I don't
deal with stuff like that it's too
uncomfortable and awkward uh in addition
one of the things you find is that
narcissists are Adept at the skill of
compartmentalization uh once uh
negatives come along all of this other
stuff is no good and then they just say
well you're over here and and they can
uh they can just uh turn off their
feelings really quickly uh it's like
well I don't want to have to deal with
this this is what I want uh they don't
have good coping skills which is why
they they tend to fall apart and their
anger can be uh can linger for a long
long time once they uh once you're on
their bad list I could say it worse than
that but once you're on their bad list
uh it you you can stay on that bad list
for a long
time so you have these circumstances
where you thought one at one point this
is a promising relationship this is one
where I think that I could put a lot of
trust into only to find that it was
exact opposite of that and you're
totally devastated how can you proceed
well first and foremost be patient with
yourself give yourself time to grieve I
I think sometimes in our American
culture anyway I know some of you are
from other places but sometimes we uh we
get too impatient trying to say what's
the answer we have to get it all solved
in in an immediate kind of way and uh we
want get things done sometimes it's just
going to take time for things to unravel
in a healthy way it's okay for uh for
you to become a minim minimalist
sometimes when you've had these hurts
you need to pull back and say I need
some I need a break and you pull back
and you don't have as many activities
with other individuals and uh and you
read more you go to therapy or you just
have some uh some time where you just
aren't going to be as social that's okay
uh you might ask yourself the question
as you move forward well what lessons am
I going to carry into future
relationships uh I don't think you're
going to quit I hope you don't on all
relationships but it's like you know
with all of this deviousness and and
manipulation what do I need to watch for
and how can I approach things in a
different kind of way and by the way
that's where therapy can help you sift
that out as you move forward um I'm
hoping that one of the things you can do
in part as part of your healing is you
lean Less on other individuals to solve
your problems and I don't mean to say
this in a real harsh way but sometimes
you have to factor in a certain amount
of pessimism As you move forward and
what I mean is not everybody's
trustworthy as opposed to just being so
optimistic that the optimism just pulls
you down and so uh you want to to lean
Less on others and you want to take
counsel from your own internal wisdom uh
seek some Soo self- soothing behaviors
not of a self-destructive nature but uh
find some things that you enjoy and you
appreciate and lean into that and then
above all things don't give up on the
things about yourself that are right and
good whether it's your capacity for love
your capacity for loyalty you know some
folks say yeah I was guilty I was guilty
of being too loyal or your capacity for
helpfulness or uh being an encourager
all of that is something that that's
still yours to claim and hold on to that
don't just quit on yourself The
Narcissist when you're you're devastated
and they move on you know sometimes they
wind up actually taking Delight in the
fact that you're devastated and they'll
gloat like I was the better person they
just don't they don't have their act
together and that's what they can think
and let them think that uh what did it
what it tells us is when a person is
willing to go in that direction with you
and you wind up holding the bag you are
dealing with evil you are dealing with
abuse that's a person who has a
distorted way of life and that's someone
that uh you know they've done you a
favor in a in a very odd kind of way by
saying uh we don't need to be together
and I'm hoping you can say I realize
that and I'm going to make my
adjustments
accordingly and I hope that videos such
as this can give you some good awareness
I I hope you also know that you're not
alone uh one of the reasons I do these
videos is because they're they're the
result of so many conversations I've had
so if you haven't already hit that
subscribe button uh um go ahead and hit
that and we'll keep more videos coming
towards you in addition I mentioned
therapy uh there are times when you're
going through something like this and
you're just kind of at this raw place it
can be so helpful for you to get a
therapist to help you out and sift it
through with you I've been sponsored for
years by the people at betterhelp.com
and uh you go through the their link is
there's a link below the video here and
and they'll ask you questions you know
who are you and how can I help you and
where are we going to go from here and
it can be such a relief to know that
there are people that would help you in
that respect in addition though I'm
retired from my Counseling Practice I
put together courses and they're online
classes that you can take at your their
own pace and uh and each one has at
least 25 teaching videos each video has
documents that go along with it guided
questions it's meant to have a strong
therapeutic uh Initiative for you uh we
have my my my big one right now is anger
games how not to get sucked into the
anger of the narcissist uh in addition
we have this is me about boundaries free
to be finding yourself uh Ready Set
connect how to have healthy connections
also and and the links are below here
for that on my my website you'll have
access to my webinars which are
90-minute presentations that I've done
of a different nature along with my
articles access to uh to my podcast and
my books Etc so there's plenty of
resources Avail yourself to that I know
I know I know uh that when you have been
through something that you thought was
going to be one positive thing and you
wind up uh having a very opposite kind
of experience it can hurt but again
let's take that hurt that you're
experiencing and say uh now's the time
for me to get to know myself even more
fully and get to have that much more of
a commitment towards my healthiness and
that's how you get to the place where
you're going to be able to have
steadiness and I'm hoping you can also
find a sense of Peace despite the the
turmoil you can still have peace in your
life
[Music]
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