When A Narcissist Shifts From Promising To Devastating

Summary

The video discusses how to manage anger and conflict with narcissists, introducing a comprehensive course called 'Anger Games.' It explains that narcissists often play head games and highlights the importance of recognizing their manipulative tactics. The speaker shares insights from their counseling experience, emphasizing the significance of learning from painful relationships. Key points include understanding narcissists' self-absorption, rationalization, and projection, as well as the importance of self-reliance and patience during recovery. Resources like therapy and online courses are recommended for further support.

Takeaways

• 😤 Conflict with a narcissist often leads to psychological manipulation and head games.
• 📚 The speaker offers a course called 'Anger Games' to help manage anger and conflict with narcissists.
• 🌟 Many individuals seek therapy to improve their lives and find healthy ways of living.
• 🔎 Optimistic and curious individuals can sometimes unknowingly become entangled with narcissists.
• 💔 Narcissists are skilled at image crafting, making them appear supportive and trustworthy, which can lead to betrayal and disappointment.
• 🏠 Narcissists may isolate their partners from family and friends, leading to feelings of loneliness and devastation when the relationship ends.
• 🗣️ Narcissists often betray confidences, sharing personal information inappropriately and causing humiliation and embarrassment.
• 💔 The end of a relationship with a narcissist can lead to collateral damage, affecting family gatherings and social circles.
• 🤔 Learning from these experiences involves understanding the patterns of selfishness and manipulation inherent in narcissism.
• 🌱 The speaker encourages self-reflection and learning from these painful experiences, rather than merely holding contempt for the narcissist.

Q & A

What is the main purpose of the course mentioned in the script?

The main purpose of the course, titled 'Anger Games', is to teach individuals how to manage anger and conflict with a narcissist.

What is a common characteristic of individuals who seek therapy as described in the script?

The individuals who seek therapy are often in search of a healthy way of life, are coachable, teachable, and are looking for insights and understandings to improve their experiences.

How do narcissists typically create an image to deceive others, as mentioned in the script?

Narcissists are adept at image crafting, making themselves appear friendly, engaging, and helpful to give the impression that they are on your team or will be there for you.

What is an example of a situation where a narcissist might alienate someone from their support system?

An example is a young man marrying a woman who initially appears friendly and supportive but over time alienates him from his family and friends, isolating him and taking control of his life.

How can a narcissist's behavior lead to feelings of humiliation and betrayal in a relationship?

A narcissist might share sensitive information or spread rumors about the other person, leading to feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, and betrayal when the person realizes their trust was misplaced.

What is the term used in the script to describe the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist?

The term used is 'collateral damage', referring to the additional pain and complications that arise after the relationship ends.

What is a key lesson individuals can learn from dealing with a narcissist, according to the script?

A key lesson is understanding that narcissists don't truly invest in relationships but rather manage them, focusing on what they can get from others.

How do narcissists typically handle situations when things go wrong, as described in the script?

Narcissists often blame others, rationalize their actions, and project their issues onto others, avoiding introspection and taking responsibility.

What advice is given in the script for individuals dealing with the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist?

The advice includes being patient with oneself, seeking therapy, learning from the experience, and focusing on personal growth and self-care.

What resources are mentioned in the script for individuals seeking help and guidance?

The script mentions online courses, webinars, articles, podcasts, books, and therapy services like BetterHelp as resources for individuals seeking help.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Managing Anger and Conflict with Narcissists

This paragraph introduces a course called 'Anger Games' that aims to help individuals manage anger and conflict with narcissists. The speaker reflects on their experience in a counseling office, where they observed many people seeking a healthier way of life. They discuss the deceptive nature of narcissists, who often create a false image of being supportive and caring, only to later reveal their true, self-serving motives. The speaker uses examples such as a young man who is alienated from his family and friends by his narcissistic wife, and a person who finds out their confided secrets have been spread by a supposed friend. The paragraph highlights the emotional devastation and isolation that can result from such relationships.

05:02

😔 Lessons from Devastating Relationships

In this paragraph, the speaker emphasizes the importance of learning from the devastation caused by relationships with narcissists. They suggest that instead of harboring resentment, individuals should reflect on what they have learned about narcissism, such as the manipulative and self-serving nature of these individuals. The speaker points out that narcissists manage relationships for their own benefit, are highly self-absorbed, and are adept at rationalization and blame-shifting. They also mention that narcissists view independence as a threat and are uncomfortable with burdens in others' lives. The speaker advises patience with oneself, time to grieve, and the importance of minimalism and self-reliance in healing from such relationships.

10:03

💪 Moving Forward After Narcissistic Relationships

The final paragraph focuses on how to move forward after experiencing a narcissistic relationship. The speaker encourages viewers to be patient with themselves, to minimize social activities if needed, and to engage in self-reflection to learn from the experience. They suggest that therapy can be beneficial in processing these emotions and learning how to approach future relationships differently. The speaker also promotes their online courses, webinars, and resources that can help individuals heal and develop healthier relationships. They remind viewers that they are not alone and that understanding and learning from these experiences can lead to personal growth and a more committed approach to one's own well-being.

Keywords

💡Narcissist

A narcissist is a person with an excessive interest in themselves and a lack of empathy for others. In the video's context, it refers to individuals who engage in manipulative and self-serving behaviors, often causing emotional distress to those around them. The script discusses how individuals may find themselves in conflict with a narcissist, leading to feelings of betrayal and isolation.

💡Anger Games

Anger Games is the name of a course mentioned in the script, designed to teach individuals how to manage anger and conflict when dealing with a narcissist. It is directly related to the video's theme of understanding and navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals, offering strategies to cope with their manipulative tactics.

💡Image Crafting

Image crafting refers to the act of creating a certain impression or image to present to others, often to gain approval or admiration. The script uses this term to describe how narcissists are adept at portraying themselves in a positive light to manipulate others, which is a key concept in understanding their behavior.

💡Alienation

Alienation is the process of causing someone to feel isolated or excluded from a group or society. In the script, it is used to describe how a narcissist may alienate their partner from friends and family, a common tactic to gain control and isolate the individual.

💡Self-Absorption

Self-absorption is a state of being excessively concerned with oneself, often to the point of ignoring or disregarding others. The video explains that narcissists are highly self-absorbed, using even acts of kindness as a means to fulfill their own needs, which is central to the theme of understanding narcissistic behavior.

💡Rationalization

Rationalization is the act of justifying or making excuses for one's behavior, often to avoid taking responsibility. The script mentions that narcissists have a strong capacity for rationalization, providing lame excuses and blaming others when confronted with their actions.

💡Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their own undesirable thoughts or feelings to someone else. The video describes how narcissists use projection to deflect blame and protect themselves, accusing others of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit.

💡Independence

Independence, in the context of the video, refers to the autonomy and individuality that a person possesses. It is highlighted as a threat to narcissists, who prefer to control and manage others rather than allowing them to be distinct and self-reliant.

💡Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is the act of separating different aspects of one's life or thoughts into distinct categories. The script points out that narcissists are adept at compartmentalizing, quickly turning off their feelings and isolating negative experiences, which contributes to their lack of empathy and emotional connection.

💡Collateral Damage

Collateral damage refers to the unintended harm or negative consequences that result from an action or situation. In the video, it is used to describe the additional pain and complications that arise when a relationship with a narcissist unravels, such as loss of trust, social isolation, and emotional turmoil.

💡Therapy

Therapy, in this context, refers to the process of meeting with a mental health professional to discuss and address personal issues. The script emphasizes the importance of therapy in helping individuals process their experiences with narcissists, gain insights, and move towards healing.

Highlights

Introduction of a new course called 'Anger Games' to manage anger and conflict with a narcissist.

Importance of seeking a healthy way of life and being coachable and teachable.

The danger of becoming entangled with individuals who appear to be optimistic but are actually narcissists.

Narcissists are skilled at image crafting to make themselves look good.

Examples of how narcissists can isolate individuals from their family and friends.

The betrayal felt when a narcissist breaks confidences and spreads personal information.

The shock of discovering a narcissist's hidden behaviors, such as extramarital affairs.

The concept of 'ghosting' in relationships with narcissists.

The collateral damage that occurs when relationships with narcissists unravel.

Learning from the experience of dealing with narcissists and understanding their patterns of selfishness.

Narcissists do not invest in relationships but manage them for personal gain.

The self-absorption of narcissists and how it affects their interactions.

Narcissists' ability to rationalize their actions and blame others.

The threat that independence poses to narcissists and their reactions to it.

Narcissists' tendency to compartmentalize and quickly turn off their feelings when faced with negatives.

The importance of being patient with oneself and allowing time to grieve after a relationship with a narcissist ends.

The value of minimalism and self-care in healing from the effects of a narcissistic relationship.

Learning to lean less on others and more on one's own internal wisdom.

The importance of not giving up on one's own positive qualities despite the devastation caused by a narcissist.

The potential for finding peace and steadiness in life despite turmoil.

Resources available for further learning and healing, including courses, webinars, podcasts, and books.

Transcripts

once you find yourself in conflict with

a narcissist it's a virtual guarantee

they're going to start playing head

games with you that's why I put together

a new course it's very extensive called

anger games I'm going to teach you how

to manage anger and conflict with a

narcissist there's a link below that's

going to show you how to register and I

hope that you find it to be very

insightful

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[Applause]

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over the years that I was in the

counseling office with many individuals

it was a delight to know that so many of

the people that came to my office for

therapy were in search of the healthy

way of life uh they can see that things

had not gone well in their own personal

lives or in individuals they've known

and they come in thinking how can I

improve upon what I've experienced so

far and it's a delight when you get to

work with somebody who says I'm

coachable I'm teachable I just need to

have some insights and understandings so

I can move forward one of the things

that happens with these kind of

individuals who approach life with a

certain amount of optimism and a

willingness to learn a curiosity is that

they can become Tangled with individuals

who might give the appearance that they

too would be in that same category only

for this individual to find out it was

all fool's gold and there are so many

times when uh individuals have been

connected with someone who proves to be

narcissistic and this is very true

especially in covert narcissist

situations where they look back and

realize what I experienced with that

person that I thought was okay was image

crafting narcissists are Adept at

creating an image that's going to make

them look good and so they can give you

the impression hey I want I'm on your

team with you or I'm I'm going to be

here for you only for you to find out

that there's much behind the scenes that

they're just not letting you know up

front let me give you an idea of what

I'm talking about let let's suppose that

a young man marries a woman who's uh

very friendly and says all the right

things and is very engaging and helpful

but over time this now wife alienates

him from his family of origin alienates

him from his friends and wants to

completely take over you know what he

does in schedule and then the

relationship falls apart and this guy is

isolated it's like I'm I'm devastated

what am I supposed to do now that I had

been pulled away from the people that

mean the most to me and and uh now I'm

feeling so terribly lonely or it may be

that you've had a a strong friendship

with someone and you've thought this is

it I've I've really wanted to be

connected with someone who uh cares

about me greatly and then you find out

later that something that you had shared

with that person that supposed friend

that was of a delicate Nature has been

spread all over the place and it's like

but I was counting on you to keep

confidence and they didn't and you're

devastated because you feel humiliated

embarrassed and betrayed it could be

that you have somebody in your Social

Circles or in your um extended family

that was uh very friendly and engaging

you thought only for you to find out

that that person had had an was having a

a long-term extramarital affair perhaps

with some that you knew it's like oo I

did not see that coming and it's

devastating because then when you get

back to uh to the circles that you were

in uh then it's like we don't know what

to do with this person or it could be

that uh and I've heard this one so many

times that you were connected with

someone that you felt like was going in

a good direction and then they just

ghost you it's like I thought we had

something good going I've even had

people saying I thought we were going to

get married or I I thought I thought

this was going to be my best friend for

life and it's like crickets that they

return text or phone calls Etc I mean

the possibilities are so strong where

you have a promising kind of

relationship only to find out that that

it was just a little more than hype and

that person did not live up to it then

to add to it once uh the the

relationship starts unraveling and

coming apart there are certain elements

that will'll call collateral damage that

come along with it that just add more

pain to your circumstance for example uh

when uh when there's been a devastating

loss of a relationship family gatherings

may not be as as pleasant as they used

to be or people take sides and they

start making assumptions about you that

are erroneous or you just wind up

feeling jaded it's like well who can I

trust and and uh who can I be open with

uh maybe you lost a lot of money or you

lost status and work organ uh work or

organizations it's in these times when

you have these once promising

relationships that fall apart and you're

at that place of Devastation it's like

I'm blown away I I don't know what to do

it's in these times that you're in your

greatest learning chair if you will it's

like okay rather than saying I hate

these people and I'm just going to uh

hold hold them in contempt okay I

appreciate you feel of the way you feel

but it's at that moment that you want to

ask what am I learning and specifically

what am I learning about this pattern of

selfishness that so many people people

get caught up in that we refer to as

narcissism their control and their

manipulations and their phoniness what

am I learning about that well there's

there are quite a few lessons and if

you'll listen to them then you can

actually become a better person for

having been through this I'm sorry

you've had to go through what you've had

one of the things you learn is that

narcissists don't really invest in

relationships they manage relationships

you see the distinction rather than

thinking my heart is in it what they're

thinking is what can I get from you and

as long as I'm getting what I get then

I'm okay but I have all sorts of other

things on the side that I'm not dealing

with and so I just need to make sure

that you're doing what I want you to do

and that can be a very disillusioning

thought for you but that's how

narcissists do it they they they're

managers of you as opposed to invest it

in your heart uh in addition one of the

things you begin learning is that when

you're dealing with a narcissist there

self-absorption is off the chart and and

it's really sad when you say even when

they seem to be tuned into you even when

you are on the receiving end of their

kindness and their pleasantness even

that can be driven by their

self-absorption it's kind of like oh I'm

getting what I want right now of course

you don't see it at the time but that's

what you eventually learn as you look

back and try to make sense of it all in

addition you see that one of the things

you learn about narcissism is they have

an incredibly strong capacity for for

rationalization if you were to sit down

with that person and say tell me what

happened or what's going on here you

would hear one lame excuse after another

and they believe it and uh unfortunately

U it it's going to be much much of it's

going to be on you which then takes us

to another thing that you can learn

about narcissism and that is when things

go wrong narcissists don't have that

introspective nature what they do is

blame they'll say you were a devious

person and what they're doing uh very

commonly as they're projecting or you

shared something personal about me with

someone else when in fact it may have

been something incredibly minor and but

they're accusing you of breaking

confidences or you have problems with

anger when in fact there would be times

when that person could Rage or have

contempt and you had some frustration

but what they'll do is uh they can build

a case against you and they project so

much of their garbage as a way of

protecting

themselves another thing you learn and

this is in learning in the hard way is

your Independence your Independence is a

threat to them they don't like you to be

your own distinct person uh perhaps you

didn't realize it at the time but that

person had a groove for you they had a

mold they had slots that you were

supposed to stay in and then when you

began showing that you wanted to be your

own unique person that didn't work very

well also narcissists uh operate with

the the idea that when you have burdens

in your life then they consider that to

be something that's a deal killer for

example if you have step kids that

you're trying to uh come to terms with

and they don't know what to do with that

or maybe you have a physical element or

maybe you've just had some sort of

situation that's required extra

attention from you it's like I don't

deal with stuff like that it's too

uncomfortable and awkward uh in addition

one of the things you find is that

narcissists are Adept at the skill of

compartmentalization uh once uh

negatives come along all of this other

stuff is no good and then they just say

well you're over here and and they can

uh they can just uh turn off their

feelings really quickly uh it's like

well I don't want to have to deal with

this this is what I want uh they don't

have good coping skills which is why

they they tend to fall apart and their

anger can be uh can linger for a long

long time once they uh once you're on

their bad list I could say it worse than

that but once you're on their bad list

uh it you you can stay on that bad list

for a long

time so you have these circumstances

where you thought one at one point this

is a promising relationship this is one

where I think that I could put a lot of

trust into only to find that it was

exact opposite of that and you're

totally devastated how can you proceed

well first and foremost be patient with

yourself give yourself time to grieve I

I think sometimes in our American

culture anyway I know some of you are

from other places but sometimes we uh we

get too impatient trying to say what's

the answer we have to get it all solved

in in an immediate kind of way and uh we

want get things done sometimes it's just

going to take time for things to unravel

in a healthy way it's okay for uh for

you to become a minim minimalist

sometimes when you've had these hurts

you need to pull back and say I need

some I need a break and you pull back

and you don't have as many activities

with other individuals and uh and you

read more you go to therapy or you just

have some uh some time where you just

aren't going to be as social that's okay

uh you might ask yourself the question

as you move forward well what lessons am

I going to carry into future

relationships uh I don't think you're

going to quit I hope you don't on all

relationships but it's like you know

with all of this deviousness and and

manipulation what do I need to watch for

and how can I approach things in a

different kind of way and by the way

that's where therapy can help you sift

that out as you move forward um I'm

hoping that one of the things you can do

in part as part of your healing is you

lean Less on other individuals to solve

your problems and I don't mean to say

this in a real harsh way but sometimes

you have to factor in a certain amount

of pessimism As you move forward and

what I mean is not everybody's

trustworthy as opposed to just being so

optimistic that the optimism just pulls

you down and so uh you want to to lean

Less on others and you want to take

counsel from your own internal wisdom uh

seek some Soo self- soothing behaviors

not of a self-destructive nature but uh

find some things that you enjoy and you

appreciate and lean into that and then

above all things don't give up on the

things about yourself that are right and

good whether it's your capacity for love

your capacity for loyalty you know some

folks say yeah I was guilty I was guilty

of being too loyal or your capacity for

helpfulness or uh being an encourager

all of that is something that that's

still yours to claim and hold on to that

don't just quit on yourself The

Narcissist when you're you're devastated

and they move on you know sometimes they

wind up actually taking Delight in the

fact that you're devastated and they'll

gloat like I was the better person they

just don't they don't have their act

together and that's what they can think

and let them think that uh what did it

what it tells us is when a person is

willing to go in that direction with you

and you wind up holding the bag you are

dealing with evil you are dealing with

abuse that's a person who has a

distorted way of life and that's someone

that uh you know they've done you a

favor in a in a very odd kind of way by

saying uh we don't need to be together

and I'm hoping you can say I realize

that and I'm going to make my

adjustments

accordingly and I hope that videos such

as this can give you some good awareness

I I hope you also know that you're not

alone uh one of the reasons I do these

videos is because they're they're the

result of so many conversations I've had

so if you haven't already hit that

subscribe button uh um go ahead and hit

that and we'll keep more videos coming

towards you in addition I mentioned

therapy uh there are times when you're

going through something like this and

you're just kind of at this raw place it

can be so helpful for you to get a

therapist to help you out and sift it

through with you I've been sponsored for

years by the people at betterhelp.com

and uh you go through the their link is

there's a link below the video here and

and they'll ask you questions you know

who are you and how can I help you and

where are we going to go from here and

it can be such a relief to know that

there are people that would help you in

that respect in addition though I'm

retired from my Counseling Practice I

put together courses and they're online

classes that you can take at your their

own pace and uh and each one has at

least 25 teaching videos each video has

documents that go along with it guided

questions it's meant to have a strong

therapeutic uh Initiative for you uh we

have my my my big one right now is anger

games how not to get sucked into the

anger of the narcissist uh in addition

we have this is me about boundaries free

to be finding yourself uh Ready Set

connect how to have healthy connections

also and and the links are below here

for that on my my website you'll have

access to my webinars which are

90-minute presentations that I've done

of a different nature along with my

articles access to uh to my podcast and

my books Etc so there's plenty of

resources Avail yourself to that I know

I know I know uh that when you have been

through something that you thought was

going to be one positive thing and you

wind up uh having a very opposite kind

of experience it can hurt but again

let's take that hurt that you're

experiencing and say uh now's the time

for me to get to know myself even more

fully and get to have that much more of

a commitment towards my healthiness and

that's how you get to the place where

you're going to be able to have

steadiness and I'm hoping you can also

find a sense of Peace despite the the

turmoil you can still have peace in your

life

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