Why I Gave My Teenage Daughter a Vibrator | Robin Buckley | TED

Summary

In this candid talk, the speaker shares her experience of buying a vibrator for her teenage daughter to spark a conversation about female empowerment and sexual education. She challenges societal discomfort with female pleasure and highlights the importance of open dialogue, self-exploration, and understanding one's body for health and autonomy. The speaker emphasizes the need for girls to be educated about their bodies, not just for sexual health but to foster self-confidence and assertiveness in all aspects of life.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker initiated a conversation about female pleasure and the societal discomfort around it, challenging the audience to consider why we are more comfortable discussing female pain than pleasure.
• 🛍️ The speaker's decision to buy a vibrator for her daughter was a catalyst for discussions about female empowerment and body ownership.
• 👧 The importance of educating teenage girls about their bodies is emphasized, including the right to pleasure, which is often overlooked in traditional sex education.
• 📱 The script highlights the prevalence of pornography as a source of sex education for teenagers, which can lead to misconceptions about sex and female anatomy.
• 🤔 The need for open and honest conversations about sex with teenagers is stressed, as they are likely to be exposed to sexual content and need guidance to navigate it.
• 🚫 The societal double standards that make it difficult to discuss teenage girls' sexual experiences are acknowledged, pointing out the need to challenge these norms.
• 👩‍⚕️ The benefits of girls being familiar with their bodies are outlined, including health benefits such as stress reduction and early detection of health issues.
• 💡 The script suggests that understanding one's body and sexual pleasure can lead to better self-advocacy and healthier relationships.
• 🌟 The empowerment of girls through sexual education extends beyond their teenage years, affecting their self-esteem and life perspectives as they mature.
• 👵 The benefits of embracing sexual pleasure are not limited to the young; the speaker shares a story of a 65-year-old woman who found new confidence and purpose in life after exploring her sexuality.
• 💪 The overarching message is one of empowerment, encouraging the audience to support girls in becoming strong, self-assured women who understand and advocate for their own needs and desires.

Q & A

Why did the speaker buy a vibrator for her 13-year-old daughter?

The speaker bought a vibrator for her daughter to support her in the safe exploration of her body and to empower her with knowledge and ownership of her body, including embracing her right to pleasure.

What issue does the speaker highlight regarding societal comfort with female pain versus female pleasure?

The speaker points out that society is more comfortable discussing female pain, such as period cramps and birthing pains, than female pleasure, questioning why a vibrator makes people uncomfortable while Viagra does not.

Why is it important to talk about sex with teenage daughters according to the speaker?

It is important because girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact between the ages of 11 and 14, and many have been exposed to pornography which can provide misleading information about sex. The speaker emphasizes the need for open conversations to provide accurate information and support.

What percentage of teenagers between the ages of 15 and 19 have had vaginal and/or oral sex?

According to the script, 42 percent of teenagers between the ages of 15 and 19 have had vaginal and/or oral sex.

How prevalent is the观看 of pornography among teenagers, and what are the implications?

57 percent of girls and 84 percent of boys between the ages of 14 and 18 have watched pornography. This suggests that many teenagers are learning about sex from porn, which can lead to misconceptions about what is normal in sexual relationships.

What misconception about sex did the 14-year-old girl in the speaker's story have, and how was it corrected?

The 14-year-old girl mistakenly believed that 'second base' referred to anal sex, a misconception she got from watching porn clips. It was corrected through a trusting relationship with the speaker, who was able to provide accurate information and involve the girl's mother in the conversation.

Why did the speaker's daughter feel comfortable discussing her masturbation habits with her mother?

The daughter felt comfortable discussing her habits because the speaker had cultivated a trusting relationship with her daughters, where they knew they could ask questions and receive straightforward answers.

How does the speaker suggest that girls knowing and exploring their bodies can lead to better health?

The speaker suggests that girls who explore their bodies through masturbation can reduce stress, ease headaches, and alleviate menstrual cramps. They also learn what is normal for their bodies, which can help them recognize changes and potential health problems.

What is the significance of the speaker's client, a 65-year-old woman, achieving her goal of experiencing an orgasm?

The significance lies in the fact that it led to a broader empowerment in her life. After learning about her body and sexual pleasure, the client stopped referring to herself as old, accepted a board position, and even created an online dating profile, demonstrating that embracing one's sexuality can have positive effects on self-perception and life choices.

What message does the speaker want to convey to parents about their daughters' sexual education?

The speaker wants to convey that parents should become trusted resources for their children, being comfortable discussing sex and providing accurate information. They should also support their daughters in understanding and owning their bodies, which includes understanding their sexual pleasure.

How does the speaker's younger daughter demonstrate her empowerment and understanding of her own needs?

The younger daughter demonstrates her empowerment by confidently asking her mother to buy her a new vibrator when hers broke, and by responding to her friends' surprise with the belief that all mothers should empower their daughters in this way.

Outlines

00:00

🛍️ Embracing Female Pleasure: A Mother's Journey

The speaker shares her experience of buying a vibrator for her 13-year-old daughter, an act that was not initially planned but became a catalyst for a broader conversation about female empowerment and sexual education. She questions societal discomfort with female pleasure compared to male sexual health, using the example of Viagra. The speaker emphasizes the importance of educating young girls about their bodies, advocating for their right to pleasure, and the need for open dialogue about sex, especially considering the prevalence of pornography among teenagers. She also shares anecdotes from her professional experience to illustrate the potential dangers of misinformation from porn and the benefits of honest conversations about sex.

05:02

🤔 Navigating Sexuality and Health: The Role of Exploration

This paragraph delves into the health benefits of girls becoming familiar with their bodies through masturbation, which can help reduce stress, ease headaches, and alleviate menstrual cramps. The speaker argues that this exploration is crucial for early detection of health issues, as illustrated by a story of a woman with stage four breast cancer who regretted not being comfortable with self-examination. The narrative also touches on the societal pressures and expectations placed on girls regarding sex, often influenced by sources like pornography and social media, and the importance of girls understanding their own pleasure to make informed decisions and communicate effectively with partners.

10:02

💪 Empowerment Beyond the Bedroom: Fostering Strong Women

The final paragraph discusses the broader implications of sexual empowerment, suggesting that supporting girls in understanding and owning their sexual pleasure can contribute to their overall sense of self and power. The speaker shares a story of a 65-year-old woman who, after discovering her own sexual pleasure, regained a sense of purpose and confidence in her life. The narrative concludes with an anecdote about the speaker's daughter confidently requesting a new vibrator, demonstrating the importance of open communication and self-advocacy. The speaker encourages parents to foster this empowerment in their daughters to raise strong women who can assert themselves in all areas of life.

Keywords

💡Vibrator

A vibrator is a device that generates vibration for various purposes, often used for sexual stimulation. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses purchasing a vibrator for her daughter to promote a safe and healthy exploration of her body, emphasizing the importance of female pleasure and sexual education.

💡Female Pleasure

Female pleasure refers to the enjoyment and satisfaction women derive from sexual experiences. The video challenges societal discomfort around this topic, advocating for open conversations about female sexuality and the right of women and girls to seek and understand their own pleasure, as part of a broader discussion on sexual health and empowerment.

💡Sexual Education

Sexual education is the teaching of information and skills related to sexuality, reproduction, and interpersonal relationships. The script highlights the inadequacy of current sexual education, where teenagers often rely on pornography for information, leading to misconceptions. The speaker argues for comprehensive sexual education to ensure young people have accurate knowledge and understanding.

💡Pornography

Pornography is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal. The video script discusses the prevalence of pornography among teenagers and its influence on their sexual knowledge and expectations. It raises concerns about the unrealistic portrayals in pornography and the need for better sex education to counteract its effects.

💡Sexual Health

Sexual health encompasses a state of physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being in relation to sexuality. The speaker in the video emphasizes the importance of sexual health by discussing how understanding one's body can lead to better self-care, including recognizing changes that may indicate health issues, such as breast cancer.

💡Body Ownership

Body ownership is the concept of individuals having autonomy over their own bodies, including decisions about their sexual experiences. The video promotes the idea that girls should have a sense of ownership over their bodies, which includes the right to explore and understand their sexual pleasure, free from societal stigma or shame.

💡Double Standards

Double standards refer to a situation where different rules or expectations are applied to different groups, often based on gender. The script addresses societal double standards regarding teenage sexuality, where girls face more scrutiny and judgment than boys, which can lead to harmful stigmas and misconceptions about female sexuality.

💡Misinformation

Misinformation is false or inaccurate information that is spread, regardless of whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. The video script shares an anecdote about a teenager who had misconceptions about sex due to misinformation from pornography, illustrating the dangers of not having proper sexual education.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights. The speaker discusses the importance of empowering teenage girls through education and open conversations about their bodies and sexuality, which can lead to a stronger sense of self and the ability to advocate for themselves in various aspects of life.

💡Sexual Consent

Sexual consent is an agreement between participants to engage in a sexual activity. While not explicitly mentioned in the script, the concept of consent is implied in the discussion about the importance of girls understanding their own bodies and desires, which is crucial for giving informed and voluntary consent in sexual situations.

💡Orgasm

An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement, characterized by intense pleasure and release of tension. The video script uses the experience of orgasm as an example of female pleasure, discussing its importance for both physical and emotional well-being, and as a part of understanding one's own sexual response.

Highlights

A mother's decision to buy her 13-year-old daughter a vibrator sparks a discussion on female pleasure and empowerment.

The societal discomfort with discussing female pleasure is highlighted, contrasting with the openness around topics like Viagra.

The importance of empowering teenage girls to learn about their bodies and embrace their right to pleasure is emphasized.

The speaker's daughters encouraged her to share their stories, illustrating the impact of open conversations about sex.

The need for parents to discuss sex with their teenagers, despite societal double standards, is underscored.

Statistical data on teenage sexual activity and exposure to pornography is presented to argue for informed sex education.

A story about a 14-year-old girl's misconception about sex, highlighting the dangers of relying on pornography for sexual education.

The moment a mother learns her daughter is masturbating unsafely, leading to the purchase of a vibrator for safe exploration.

The argument that parents should be trusted resources for their children regarding sex, providing accurate information and tools.

Masturbation's health benefits for girls, such as stress reduction and alleviating menstrual cramps, are discussed.

The connection between body familiarity and early detection of health issues, illustrated through a client's story.

The empowerment of girls through understanding their bodies, leading to better ownership and decision-making in sex.

The impact of societal and media expectations on girls' perceptions of sex and pleasure, and the importance of challenging these norms.

The benefits of girls knowing their own sexual pleasure, including better communication with partners and satisfying experiences.

A story of a 65-year-old woman discovering sexual pleasure later in life, demonstrating the transformative power of self-discovery.

The broader implications of sexual empowerment for a woman's self-esteem and life choices, as seen in the client's newfound confidence.

The speaker's younger daughter's assertiveness in requesting a new vibrator, showcasing the effectiveness of open dialogue.

Transcripts

Six years ago,

when my older daughter was 13, I bought her a vibrator.

(Cheers and applause)

I'm done. OK.

(Laughter)

It wasn't something I planned on doing.

I mean, I knew eventually my daughters would need bras and tampons, maybe braces,

but a vibrator was not on the list.

So why did I do it?

Before I explain why, I want to acknowledge

that I might have made some of you a little uncomfortable

or a lot uncomfortable.

So before I explain why, I want to ask you a question.

Why are we more comfortable talking about female pain --

things like period cramps,

breast cancer, birthing pains,

miscarriages and sexual assault --

than we are talking about female pleasure?

Why does a vibrator make us uncomfortable

but Viagra does not?

(Cheers and applause)

Getting my daughter a vibrator started me on a journey

of thinking about the importance of empowering teenage girls,

helping them to learn about their bodies

and gain a sense of ownership of their bodies,

including embracing their right to pleasure.

This is one reason that my own daughters encouraged me to include their stories

in this talk.

So I'm going to talk to you today about sex,

specifically in regards to our teenage daughters.

I know we don't like to think about our teenagers having sex

and because of societal double standards, especially our girls.

But here's why we need to have this conversation,

as uncomfortable as it may make us.

Girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact

between the ages of 11 and 14.

Between the ages of 15 and 19,

42 percent of them have had vaginal and/or oral sex.

Through the cell phones right in their back pockets,

57 percent of girls and 84 percent of boys

between the ages of 14 and 18

have watched pornography through Pornhub and hundreds of similar sites.

So if you have a kid in high school,

it isn't a question of if they'll watch porn before they graduate,

but more likely, when.

This means that a lot of our kids are getting their sex education

and trying to figure out what's normal from pornography.

To illustrate why we can’t leave our kids alone to navigate this sexual terrain,

I want to share a story with you.

Several years ago,

I worked with an incredibly intelligent 14-year-old girl,

helping her manage her overall life stressors.

During one session, she asked if she could ask me a question about sex.

She said that she was confused about the bases

and wondered if it was really true that second base was anal sex.

(Audience murmurs)

I was as shocked as you are.

And yes, when I asked her, she did know what anal sex is.

She had gotten her information from watching a few porn clips

her friends had showed her

during study hall at school.

Thankfully, because of the trusting relationship she had with me,

she was able to have this misconception corrected

and her anxiety about it relieved.

With her permission, I was also able to loop her mom in on the conversation

so she could be a resource for her daughter.

I've worked hard to cultivate this type of relationship with my own daughters.

So when my 13-year-old said,

“Mom, can I ask you a question?” ...

kid speak for "be prepared for anything,"

(Laughter)

I listened.

Which is why, sitting at a stoplight on a summer morning,

my daughter felt comfortable telling me she had started to masturbate

and was even willing to share with me what she was using to do so.

This is how I learned that she was masturbating in a way

that was not safe for her body.

And so, in a span of one red light,

I decided to buy my daughter a vibrator.

I wanted to support her in the safe exploration of her body

instead of burying my head in the sand,

which is so tempting to do as parents with things that make us uncomfortable.

When it comes to sex,

we all need to become trusted resources for our kids.

They need to be comfortable coming to us with questions

and know they will get straight answers.

And while this is certainly true in regards to accurate information,

sometimes it's also about giving them the appropriate tool.

When we talk about girls knowing and exploring their bodies,

it's easy to get uncomfortable.

But girls becoming familiar with their bodies is about health.

Masturbation helps girls reduce stress,

ease headaches and alleviate cramps associated with their periods.

When girls explore their bodies,

they learn how their bodies feel when they are healthy,

which also helps them recognize changes and potential problems.

They have to touch their bodies to know their bodies.

This became clear to me

when I was working with one of my adult clients

after her diagnosis with stage four breast cancer.

As we discussed her prognosis, she said to me,

"Robin, if I'd only done my breast checks,

maybe I would have caught it sooner.

Maybe I wouldn't be dying."

But my client had been raised believing that touching herself was inappropriate.

On the few occasions she did a breast check,

she didn't know what was typical,

and she rushed through them feeling embarrassed.

When girls are comfortable touching their bodies,

whether for self breast checks or for pleasure,

they learn about their bodies.

And when they know their bodies, they can better own their bodies.

This is important when it comes to sex.

Too often, others are dictating what girls should expect,

want and put up with.

These expectations are being set by pornography, social media, politicians

and partners who are either much more experienced

or equally inexperienced.

I mean, let's face it.

What does the average teenage boy know about the female clitoris

or the female orgasm?

(Laughter and applause)

Given the statistics that about 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm

and 81 percent of women do not orgasm through vaginal sex,

it is important for our girls to know that it's OK to figure out

what gives them pleasure.

And that they don't have to rely on someone else for that pleasure.

(Applause)

This can help them make choices which benefit them.

As an example, another one of my clients shared with me that she uses her vibrator

before she goes on any date.

(Laughter)

This way,

she can make judgments about the date

based on the person and their connection rather than on hormones.

(Laughter)

And then when our daughters do decide to have sex with someone else,

they will know enough about their sexual pleasure

to be able to communicate what feels good to their partners.

They won't have to follow the outdated norms

of tolerating unsatisfying experiences,

faking it, or even believing that their sole purpose

is to serve someone else's pleasure.

Our daughters will get the message

that their wants and needs are important.

Learning not to be ashamed of their sexual pleasure

is not limited to girls and young women.

I worked with a 65-year-old woman who had never, ever had an orgasm.

She came to me for coaching because she felt demoralized.

She had recently retired from her vice-president position,

feeling pushed out by her company as they hired younger executives.

She had two goals for coaching.

The first was to find new ways to spend her time

which gave her purpose.

The second one was, and I quote,

"to try out an orgasm."

(Laughter)

When she was ready,

my client bought herself a vibrator

and began learning about her body for the first time in her life.

I will never forget the day when she came to our session,

sat down demurely and said with a big, beautiful grin,

"Second goal achieved."

(Laughter and applause)

As she continued to learn about herself and her sexual pleasure,

my client stopped referring to herself as old.

She accepted a board position for a national nonprofit.

She even created a profile on eHarmony.

(Laughter)

Can I say it was simply due to the orgasm?

Of course not.

But in asking for more from this one area of her life,

she realized she could do the same in other areas of her life.

We can help our daughters adopt this perspective

long before my client did.

We can support their healthy sexual development,

but even more,

by doing so, we empower their entire sense of selves.

This is about helping our girls step into their power,

raising them to become strong women who can speak up for themselves,

whether they are in the bedroom or in the boardroom.

(Applause)

Recently, my younger daughter reminded me

of just how well she can speak up for herself.

(Laughter)

A few months ago,

she was out with friends and called to let me know and she'd be home.

She's good like that.

As we were wrapping up the conversation, she said,

"Oh, by the way, mom, my vibrator broke.

Can you pick me up a new one?"

(Laughter)

Later on, she told me that after she hung up,

her friends said,

"We can't believe your mom bought you a vibrator."

To which my daughter responded,

"I can't believe your moms haven't."

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)