how to have quiet confidence and natural magnetism
Summary
TLDRThis video delves into the concept of 'quiet confidence,' a sought-after trait that is elusive yet attainable. It emphasizes that true confidence comes from within, not from external validation. The speaker shares personal anecdotes and strategies to cultivate this quality, such as embracing one's imperfections, understanding personal values, and expanding comfort zones. The video also announces the 'TreeHouse Collective,' a community for those seeking support and connection on their journey towards self-assurance and personal growth.
Takeaways
- π Quiet confidence is a sought-after trait that is not about being loud or superior but about being humble, curious, open, warm, and kind.
- π It is not about faking confidence or just an external appearance; it's about truly embodying it from the inside out.
- π Quiet confidence is not a fixed state but exists on a sliding scale, varying from person to person.
- π± The journey to quiet confidence is personal and not necessarily tied to one's upbringing or past experiences.
- π‘ The process of achieving quiet confidence is not an overnight change but a gradual journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
- π€ Regular self-reflection and cataloging of one's qualities, both positive and negative, is a foundational step towards quiet confidence.
- π Embracing all aspects of oneself, including imperfections, reduces the charge they carry and lessens reactivity to others' judgments.
- π Genuine self-compassion and acceptance are key to not being triggered by external judgments or criticisms.
- π Quiet confidence allows for a neutral space where one can be authentic without the need to judge or be judged by others.
- π Stepping out of one's comfort zone and facing social situations with curiosity and presence can help expand one's capacity for self-assurance.
- π€ Being selective with social interactions and embracing authenticity in all aspects of life are part of embodying quiet confidence.
Q & A
What is the main concept discussed in the video?
-The main concept discussed in the video is 'quiet confidence', which is a quality that is sought after but can be elusive to achieve.
How does the speaker define 'quiet confidence'?
-The speaker defines 'quiet confidence' as a humble, curious, open, warm, and kind energy that doesn't need to be advertised or loud. It is more about being rather than showing off.
What is the speaker's view on the relationship between external success and quiet confidence?
-The speaker believes that external success or physical attractiveness does not necessarily equate to embodying quiet confidence. It is an internal quality that can be present regardless of one's external achievements.
How does the speaker suggest we can achieve quiet confidence?
-The speaker suggests achieving quiet confidence by tackling the concept from the inside out, embracing all parts of oneself, and not judging others.
What role does self-acceptance play in embodying quiet confidence?
-Self-acceptance plays a crucial role in embodying quiet confidence as it involves making peace with all aspects of oneself, including perceived imperfections, and embracing them with compassion.
How does the speaker address the misconception that quiet confidence is about being superior to others?
-The speaker clarifies that quiet confidence is not about feeling superior or acting as if one is better than others. Instead, it is about being comfortable in one's own skin and inspiring others through genuine self-assurance.
What is the significance of the speaker's friend's story who used to be sensitive to criticism?
-The friend's story illustrates how tough experiences can build resilience and lead to the development of quiet confidence, as she learned to handle criticism with grace and humor after living abroad.
How does the speaker describe the process of achieving quiet confidence?
-The speaker describes the process as a journey that is not an overnight change or a simple fix. It involves regular self-reflection, acceptance of one's qualities, and embracing all aspects of oneself.
What is the speaker's perspective on the impact of past experiences on achieving quiet confidence?
-The speaker believes that past experiences, whether positive or negative, do not determine one's ability to achieve quiet confidence. It is a matter of personal choice and effort to embrace one's imperfections and build self-trust.
What is the significance of the 'TreeHouse Collective' mentioned by the speaker?
-The 'TreeHouse Collective' is a community the speaker plans to start for like-minded individuals to connect, support each other, and grow together, which is currently in a pre-launch stage with a waitlist for interested members.
How does the speaker suggest dealing with social anxiety in the context of quiet confidence?
-The speaker suggests being present in social situations, being genuinely curious about others, and not worrying about how one is perceived. This approach helps in reducing self-consciousness and allows for the expression of quiet confidence.
Outlines
π Embracing Quiet Confidence
The speaker introduces the concept of quiet confidence, emphasizing its elusive nature and the desire to understand how to genuinely embody it rather than just appearing confident. They clarify that quiet confidence is a sliding scale and is about being humble, curious, open, warm, and kind. The speaker aims to explore this from an internal perspective, highlighting that external success does not always equate to quiet confidence. They also share personal anecdotes of friends who have developed this quality through various life experiences, suggesting that past circumstances do not dictate one's ability to achieve quiet confidence.
π Self-Inventory for Inner Growth
This paragraph delves into the importance of self-awareness and the practice of cataloging one's qualities as a means to develop quiet confidence. The speaker discusses the concept of 'shadow work,' explaining how embracing both positive and negative traits can lead to a lack of reactivity to others. They share personal experiences of envy and moodiness, illustrating the journey of acceptance and self-compassion. The paragraph concludes with the idea that a quiet confident person does not judge others, having worked through and embraced all aspects of their own identity.
πͺ Overcoming Defense Mechanisms
The speaker discusses the impact of defense mechanisms on personal growth and relationships, using the example of becoming defensive when criticized. They acknowledge their own past tendencies and the journey to understanding and compassion. The paragraph highlights the importance of accepting all parts of oneself to prevent manipulation and shaming by others. The speaker shares a story of a friend who, despite criticism, maintained grace and humor, demonstrating the strength that comes from self-acceptance and the ability to inspire others through authenticity.
π± Expanding Comfort Zones
The speaker emphasizes the importance of stepping out of one's comfort zone to grow and develop quiet confidence. They share personal experiences with social anxiety and how they overcame it by exposing themselves to new social situations. The paragraph discusses the process of becoming more comfortable with oneself, including one's preferences and dislikes, and how this authenticity attracts others. The speaker encourages being present and curious in social settings, rather than being preoccupied with self-perception, as a way to embody quiet confidence.
π€ Selective Social Interactions
In this paragraph, the speaker talks about the selective nature of social interactions when one has quiet confidence. They explain that knowing oneself well allows for making conscious choices about friendships and social engagements. The speaker also discusses the importance of being authentic and vulnerable with trusted individuals, and how this authenticity creates a nonjudgmental environment for others. They conclude by announcing the creation of the TreeHouse Collective, a community for like-minded individuals to support each other's growth and development.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Quiet Confidence
π‘Unbothered
π‘Self-Love
π‘Constructive Criticism
π‘Authenticity
π‘Self-Awareness
π‘Shadow Work
π‘Resilience
π‘Presence
π‘Selective
π‘Comfort Zone
Highlights
The concept of quiet confidence is elusive yet highly sought after, and the video aims to explore how to achieve it from the inside out.
Quiet confidence is not about being completely silent or loud but is more about a humble, curious, open, warm, and kind demeanor.
Quiet confidence is not about feeling superior but about inspiring others through genuine self-assurance.
Achieving quiet confidence is not an overnight change but a journey that can be accelerated with self-work.
Past circumstances, whether positive or negative, do not dictate one's ability to embody quiet confidence.
Tough experiences can build resilience and comfort with imperfections, contributing to quiet confidence.
Regular self-reflection and inventory of personal qualities are essential for developing quiet confidence.
Understanding and embracing one's 'shadow' qualities can reduce reactivity and judgment towards others.
Genuine compassion for others can only come from self-compassion and acceptance of one's own parts.
Acceptance of all aspects of oneself, including perceived flaws, is crucial for developing quiet confidence.
The ability to be present and curious in social situations can help embody quiet confidence.
Quiet confidence allows for being selective with social interactions and preferences without judgment.
Exposing oneself to new experiences and stepping out of the comfort zone can expand one's capacity for self-love.
Quiet confidence naturally attracts others due to its authenticity and non-judgmental nature.
The video creator announces the pre-launch of the TreeHouse Collective, a community for like-minded individuals.
The Founders Circle waitlist offers early access and a discount for the TreeHouse Collective membership.
The TreeHouse Collective aims to provide support, connection, and accountability for personal growth.
Transcripts
I'm very excited about today's video
because I think this idea or concept of
quiet confidence is highly sought after
but it actually feels quite elusive as
well there's a lot of content out there
telling us to be unbothered detached
confident but how how do you actually
achieve this and I don't just mean
faking it and I don't just mean external
appearance or behavior I mean actually
truly embodying quiet confidence quiet
confidence doesn't have to be at either
0% or 100% I think it's more of a
sliding scale and I really want to
tackle this concept from the inside out
because as I'm sure you've noticed
someone can be physically attractive or
externally very well accomplished or
successful and those things don't
necessarily always equate to embodying
quiet confidence when someone embodies
quiet confidence it doesn't mean that
they're
quiet I think it's called quiet
confidence because it's more of a show
rather than a tell when someone has this
energy it's often times unspoken it
doesn't have to be advertised and it
doesn't have to be loud you don't have
to be the star of the room per se to
embody or exude this quality quiet
confidence is humble curious open warm
and kind it is not cold or uncaring or
unbothered it's definitely not someone
who acts or feels as if they're better
than or that they're a superior and I
think genuine quiet confidence truly
inspires other people because when
you're in the presence of someone that
has this quality it just naturally and
magically allows you to feel more
confident in being fully
yourself I really sat here and thought
very long and hard about how to
practically achieve this to embody this
quiet
confidence and sorry to say but I don't
think it's a simple fixed it's not an
overnight change or a aha moment or a
miraculous shift going from someone who
is typically more insecure and anxious
perhaps a people pleaser to becoming
someone who's actually confident has a
lot of self trust and has felt genuine
self-love on a deep level that goes
beyond mantras and affirmations this
process can be a journey how do we
accelerate it I want to start with some
good news whether you grew up in a
household that was full of Praise or you
grew up in a household that didn't have
any praise worst case scenario you grew
up in an environment that made you feel
less than from talking to people who has
made the significant shift I've realized
that the circumstance in the past
doesn't matter it's natural to think if
you did have a tough upbringing or a
less than desirable childhood that you
you might take longer to arrive at this
point of embodying quiet confidence but
I find that it's not necessarily true
sometimes it's exactly through those
tough experiences that it toughens your
skin and it builds resilience and it
forces you to truly have to get really
comfortable with all of your
imperfections I think
that whatever our experiences were good
or bad they can either make or break us
but that we have a choice and it's in
our hands for example a really good
friend of mine used to be somebody that
couldn't even handle constructive
criticism on her artwork let alone
somebody commenting about her
personality or her characteristic she
would literally go home and cry if
someone made a critique on her work but
after living abroad for a year where she
was constantly scrutinized about her
nationality her ethnicity her looks she
was being bombarded almost every day
with with harsh criticism and in her own
words it helped her get thicker skin and
today she is truly genuinely a source of
inspiration you can feel it when you're
around her she's so comfortable in her
own skin and she's able to take any
constructive criticism or just pointing
out or calling her out with such Grace
and humor and humility that when you're
around her you feel more confident
because she is so at home in herself I
have another friend who actually grew up
in a really toxic and harmful
motherdaughter Dynamic yet today she's
one of the most confident and self
assured woman that I know literally
there's nothing you can do or say to
manipulate her because she truly knows
herself so thoroughly that there's
nothing you can possibly say that could
shake her and if you're someone who's
watching and you're younger the good
news is this I think a sense of
confidence or quiet confidence does
really come with time age and experience
it's just natural that the older we get
the more experiences we've accumulated
the less you're going to give a
about what other people think of you but
there is absolutely a way to accelerate
this process and let's get right into
it at the core at the very core of how
you can embody quiet confidence comes
down to this thing and it might seem
simple but it's not easy start a regular
practice of sitting down with yourself
and cataloging or taking an inventory of
all of your qualities if you have been
doing this so-called work for some time
now you might not even have to do this
you might already be self-aware enough
to know all these qualities or traits
that you possess and what you're working
through but that's just the first step
if you're familiar with the concept of
Shadow work essentially the idea is
whatever qualities whether it's
considered good or bad desirable or
undesirable if you do not think you
yourself possess it when you see it in
someone else you're either going to be
attracted to it or you're going to be
repulsed by it for better or worse I
used to find people that had the sunny
disposition or they're kind of happy
go-lucky just joyful all the time I
found these people really irritating and
I just thought they weren't my people
but the truth is I had to come to accept
this fact I was secretly envious because
let's be honest as much as you act like
the Grinch or you're grumpy or critical
of other people at the end of the day
all of us want to feel happy and good so
back then if somebody came to me and
they said oh you're kind of Moody it
would put a really bad taste in my mouth
and I would feel like they were
commenting about something of me that it
made me inadequate for the fact that I
was a moody person or if someone meets
me for the first time and they say wow
you seem like such a happy person I
wouldn't be able to claim that part I
would say oh no no that's not me that's
not who I am like you just don't know me
yet and the truth is I do lean towards a
moodier side of things and I can be a
little dramatic in my head at times
especially when I was younger but the
truth also is that I had a deep
reservoir of joy and optimism and I have
since then been able to truly sit with
this accept this Embrace this about me
when you're able to actually not just
accept but embrace all parts of you it
no longer carries a charge so that when
you do see this quality or
characteristic reflected in somebody
else there is no reaction there's no
reactivity and you no longer need to
pass judgment on anybody else somebody
who has quiet confidence wastes no time
judging other people because they
themselves have sat through worked
through witnessed and fully embraced
every part of who they are the good and
the bad they've welcomed the parts that
they're proud of the parts that they
once felt shame about they've recognized
what parts they want more of and which
parts they're ready to let go of and
what other parts they're currently
actively working on you're not able to
have genuine true compassion for anybody
else unless you have it within yourself
if you ever come across someone who's
highly critical and judgmental of other
people rest assur that the same thing is
happening internally they act the same
way with themselves maybe they've
embodied this false sense of confidence
and they won't show it externally they
just puff themselves up by putting other
people down but trust me if someone is
wasting their energy critiquing or
judging other people there is internal
conflict there a genuinely confident
person or you can say a quiet confident
person is never going to feel the need
to put anybody down nor do they feel the
need to put anybody else up on a
pedestal when someone truly feel safe
and secure within themselves they're
able to actually provide a neutral space
for other people to feel safely in being
themselves so I want you to start
intentionally take inventory and notice
all of your parts the good and the bad
bits and start to make peace with each
part of who you are today exactly as you
are you don't even have to love them you
just have to accept that this is where
you are right now and embrace each part
with compassion and kindness I used to
get incredibly defensive with anyone I'm
still actively working on this even
today but today it takes a very special
unique flavor of a circumstance to
actually trigger this to come up for me
and I used to get really frustrated with
myself because I didn't want to fight
people all the time I didn't want to
feel angry or embarrassed or unwilling
to take a constructive criticism but
I've since then been able to own this
part of who I am I understand and I'm
aware that I have this tendency but
instead of demonizing it I understand
why I do this it's because growing up in
the environment that I did anytime I
didn't perform well or I didn't do the
right thing it was scrutinized it made
me feel less than like I wasn't worthy
or lovable so I can view this part of my
defense mechanism with compassion and
also remain open if you are someone who
tends to react very quickly and want to
defend yourself know that when this
happens people close to you will even
start to avoid having conflict with you
by bringing up really meaningful
conversation by giving you truthful and
helpful advice because they don't want
to cause or create tension or problem
with you because it's never well
received and when this happens we lose
out on an opportunity for people who
actually genuinely care for us and love
us to offer sound advice when we need it
when we cannot see our own blind spots
and there's a wonderful thing that
happens when you are able to accept
witness and embrace all parts of who you
are when this happens there's no one on
earth who is going to be able to shame
you or manipulate you because whatever
you've made peace with is no longer a
trigger it has no energy and you don't
have any reactivity towards it so I have
a funny example one of the friends that
I mentioned ear
she actually is gorgeous she used to be
a model and now she's a personal trainer
she is someone that has truly gotten so
thoroughly intimate and comfortable with
who she is mentally emotionally
physically spiritually that nothing can
shake her so one day this is a true
story someone walked up to her and made
a comment like hey you kind of look like
a horse and her response was yeah I know
and
I want you to think about something that
if you had heard from a person whether
it's a stranger or friend that would
immediately cause you to feel shame
anger insecurity whatever it is fully
sit with these parts of you own them
claim them embrace them with compassion
and as you're doing this work don't
forget the progress you've made and when
you feel ready let those parts of you go
that is no longer true I've debated
sharing this publicly for a long time
but everyone in my life or people that I
meet I have no problem telling them
because I have truly owned and claimed
this part in my 20s there was a time
when I was a high functioning alcoholic
the problem for me was I was always
seeking for ways to escape there was
always a part of me that was seeking for
self-destruction and I'm happy to say
that this part of me is no longer active
and it took a really long time a lot of
crying and UPS and downs and to truly
truly understand what it means to love
myself fully imperfections and all it
took me about a decade of trial and
errors and it doesn't have to be as long
for you if you have been struggling with
it I want you to know that it is
absolutely possible I think it happened
gradually over time as much as in the
past I wanted the magic solution the
overnight snap with the finger aha
moment where then I would truly know
what it was like to love myself so
deeply to feel worthy it happened
gradually over time and it happened with
experiences and sure some days I don't
feel so hot and some days I still Guilt
Trip myself feeling like I can be more
productive but the core of how I feel
and who I am today is one that no longer
has a desire to self-destruct and I am
much more Kinder and more loving to all
parts of myself if you're someone that
has not had the perfect life maybe
you've made mistakes along the path this
sets you up with a wonderful opportunity
because you've gone through your own
journey and you've had your own Dark
Night of the Soul it sets you up to be
someone that allows other people to be
imperfect to not pass judgment because
you've been there you know you're not
perfect yourself and to be able to
inspire others by being open about your
past and your mistakes and all the
things that you've learned share any
wisdom when asked of the work that
you've done and what's helped we can't
change everything that's happened to us
in the past for us in the past but the
moral of the story that we get to write
quiet confidence comes from knowing you
can trust yourself this idea of self
trust it's about feeling safe within
yourself and there's a number of ways to
do it depending on where you are on your
journey you can heal your nervous system
you can expose Yourself by going out
there and putting yourself out in the
world and have the opportunity to get
rejected or have the opportunity to find
yourself delightfully surprised and it's
not always going to feel good or right
at first and you might even say oh this
is just not for me but unless you go out
there and you try it it might just be a
way for you to stay in your comfort zone
and that's something that I've
definitely done in the
past I used to have social anxieties
espe esally meeting new people and over
time it turned into a lack of
willingness to make new friends or meet
new people and I told myself that all I
needed was just a handful of r or dies
but truly I know now that I was just
trying to stay within my own comfort
zone now when I go meet new people or
make new friends I no longer feel that
I'm comfortable being exactly who I am
imperfections and all I still don't love
loud or big crowds and I prefer daytime
activities to nighttime activities but
those are actual genuine preferences
when you allow yourself to have these
experiences you can claim things that
you actually like and don't like and now
I also know what are things that I
prefer versus when I am just trying to
stay within my own comfort zone and the
truth is The more I've met new people
the more friends I've made recently the
bigger my comfort zone has become it's
like what I talked about in one of my
other videos someone said that the
biggest part on their healing Journey
Journey was when they realized it wasn't
that their feelings were too big it was
that they needed to increase their own
capacity to hold their feelings this is
exactly like that my own comfort zone
grew bigger and bigger the more I
exposed myself to things that were
uncomfortable at first but then coming
to find that I actually enjoy them today
I am someone who know myself really well
and of course we all have blind spots
but there are things that I know that I
love about myself there's things that
I'm currently working on and honestly I
just give less and less of a if
anybody likes me because I'm not going
to be everyone's cup of tea and not
everyone is my cup of tea either I want
to talk about another important part of
this which is when you have social
anxiety especially in a group setting
with new people I realize a lot of
people who have this feeling is because
when they're out and about they're
hyperfixated or insecure right they're
in their head thinking about how they're
being perceived how they look look maybe
they think they look awkward and
uncomfortable and they feel like
everyone can tell as a practice recently
I was at an event where there were a lot
of people that I didn't know and instead
of getting in my head about it I just
fully tuned myself into being present in
my environment and genuinely being
curious about the people that were there
so instead of being stuck in your head
hyper fixated on
yourself allow yourself to be present in
social situations and just really truly
notice like what are the sounds what
around you what are people talking about
and feel comfortable when you have
nothing to say that is one of the most
important factors of embodying quiet
confidence when you don't know something
you don't have to say anything or when
something intrigues you ask questions oh
I've never heard of this can you tell me
more if someone is gonna look at you and
think you're stupid that's on them you
were curious and courageous enough to
ask someone of an interest that they
have that's absolutely commendable and
that is quiet confidence and the truth
is we're human beings it's natural to
judge other people and it's natural for
you when you're out in the social
environment for other people to judge
you but so what the other truth is no
one is thinking about us more than
ourselves okay I'm going to repeat this
one more time nobody is thinking about
you or worried about you more than you
worry about yourself or think about
yourself everybody's too busy worried
about themselves and how they're being
perceived everyone else is also in their
own head remember it's a human
experience someone who might appear to
be comfortable you don't know what's
going on in their head most likely
they're also worried about if people
like them if they smell funny if they
have a hair out of place or food stuck
in their
mouth someone who has quiet conf
confidence is a person who is so at ease
and comfortable within their own skin in
their own home and because of their
ability to be authentically themselves
and stand firm and knowing exactly who
they are all the good and the bad they
can actually remain very open and
receptive to other people they can be
vulnerable to people who has earned
their trust they have no reason to hide
any parts of themselves and in turn they
don't need anybody else to hide
themselves either this is why when
you're in the presence of a person who
has quiet confidence it makes you feel
more confident it makes you feel more at
ease you can sense this nonjudgment
coming from this person why confidence
is also about being selective because
once you get to know yourself so
thoroughly you know exactly what our yes
is and NOS for you quiet confidence is
meeting someone new and saying this
person is wonderful but they're not my
of tea and this says nothing about them
it's just my own preference quiet
confidence means you get to be selective
about what you choose to consume the
activities that you say yes to and the
friendships that you keep and the more
you start to get to know yourself so
intimately it's truly a relationship
it's the partnership of a lifetime that
so-called magnetism that everyone talks
about happens naturally when you have
quiet confidence people will naturally
want to be around you because because it
puts them at ease they can sense how
truly authentically you you're being and
it allows them to be themselves and they
feel at ease in scen and don't ever feel
discouraged if you feel like you're far
from embodying quiet confidence and just
take the time to truly get to know
yourself with love and kindness in the
smallest ways and in big ways and also
intentionally get out of your comfort
zone incrementally or totally the f
future version of you that you're dying
to meet they already exist and they
exist because of the past you everything
that's happened the current version of
who you are and the you that's going to
be doing the work to get to meet them I
actually have a really exciting
announcement to make uh it's something
that I've been wanting to do for a
really long time which is to start a
community for like-minded like spirited
people and recently I read a comment um
on one of my videos and this person
basically
expressed in my opinion a sense of
feeling loneliness like whatever it is
that they're going through they feel
like it's special and unique exclusive
to them and I think one component that's
missing in these videos is that I am
speaking at you there's no way to engage
with each other so I've decided to start
the TreeHouse Collective it's I guess
you can say a passion project but it's
one that I've wanted to do for years now
honestly um so it's Cur currently it's
pre-launch stage and um if you're
interested there's a wait list it's
called the Founders Circle weit list
basically anyone that's signed up on
that way list whenever the Treehouse is
fully built and ready to be live you
will receive the first update and if you
are on that list you will get an
exclusive discount for the membership
price it's going to be affordable
because I know what it's like when
you're already struggling to deal with
so many things in life and you're just
looking for that extra support you're
looking for that connection
accountability so it's something that I
hope people can really take advantage of
and that we kind of find our Treehouse
club and really heal and grow and Chase
goals together the weight list is going
to be linked down below where you can
join and if you have any questions at
all just let me know again this is just
a preliminary wait list you're not
signing up for anything yet um because
we're still building The Treehouse so to
speak so but whenever that's live I'm so
excited to meet all of you that are
hoping to to be a part of this community
and uh thank you so much for watching
today's video and I'll see you in the
next one
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