Body Language Expert Explains How to Show Confidence | WIRED

Summary

This script delves into the art of exuding confidence, highlighting non-verbal cues such as posture, eye contact, and gestures. It emphasizes the importance of mastering one's presence, akin to how esteemed figures like Colin Powell command a room. The speaker discusses the significance of socialization and modeling behaviors of admired leaders to develop a confident demeanor. Techniques such as practicing assertive speech, avoiding 'uptalk,' and using cadence in speech are shared as tools to project confidence. The script encourages viewers to embrace confidence as a skill that can be nurtured through practice, preparation, and mastery of one's craft.

Takeaways

• 🧘‍♂️ Supremely confident people feel comfortable and at ease when entering a room, exhibiting smooth and broad gestures.
• 🎭 Actress Helen Mirren emphasizes the difficulty of learning to walk onto a scene with confidence, a skill applicable in various professional settings.
• 🕺 Confidence can be conveyed non-verbally through posture, eye contact, and purposeful movement, which can be improved with practice.
• 🤝 The act of walking with a mission, such as approaching a podium or handshake, demonstrates confidence and control.
• 👁️ Less confident individuals tend to avoid eye contact and hesitate in their movements, which can be counteracted by conscious practice.
• 💡 Confidence is often associated with knowledge, experience, and self-definition, as exemplified by figures like Colin Powell.
• 🤔 Quiet confidence, as demonstrated by Jane Goodall, shows that confidence can be subtle and internally commanded rather than outwardly forceful.
• ⏰ Confident people understand the importance of time and pace in leadership, controlling the tempo of their interactions.
• 🎭 Socialization plays a role in developing confidence, where individuals model behaviors of admired leaders to emulate their traits.
• 🎩 Cary Grant's transformation from a poor upbringing to a high-status individual illustrates the power of adopting confident behaviors.
• 👍 Simple gestures, such as the way one points or says 'no,' can significantly impact how confidently one is perceived.
• 📣 The avoidance of 'uptalk' and the use of cadence in speech are techniques to project confidence and maintain audience engagement.

Q & A

What are some characteristics of supremely confident people as described in the transcript?

Supremely confident people feel comfortable in any room they enter, their gestures are smooth and broad, they make good eye contact, and their movements are deliberate and purposeful.

What did Helen Mirren find challenging as an actress, according to the transcript?

Helen Mirren found it very challenging to learn how to walk onto a scene with confidence.

What two aspects did Colin Powell bring into a room to command it, as mentioned in the transcript?

Colin Powell brought a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience, and he shaped and defined himself into a statesman.

How can confidence be perceived, according to the transcript?

Confidence can be very quiet and is not always about theatrical displays of power. It's more about a command of oneself that transmits outward.

What role does socialization play in developing a confident presence?

Socialization helps us notice and model behaviors of people we admire, adopting traits and behaviors that high-status individuals exhibit.

How did Cary Grant develop his confident persona?

Cary Grant adopted behaviors from high-status individuals and modeled himself after them to become the confident persona he was known for.

What is one common but disliked gesture mentioned in the transcript, and how can it be modified to appear more confident?

Pointing with one finger is a commonly disliked gesture. It can be modified by using an open hand gesture, which appears more confident.

What is 'Uptalk' and why is it generally viewed negatively in professional settings?

Uptalk is when statements are made to sound like questions. It is viewed negatively because it can make the speaker appear unsure and less authoritative.

Why is cadence important in confident speech, and which historical figures used this technique effectively?

Cadence helps hold the listener's attention and conveys authority. Historical figures like Martin Luther King Jr. and Winston Churchill used cadence effectively in their speeches.

What are some strategies for overcoming fear of public speaking mentioned in the transcript?

Strategies include acknowledging the fear, studying the material thoroughly, rehearsing, warming up physically, and taking a moment to gather oneself before speaking.

What can one do to nurture and grow confidence?

Confidence can be nurtured by knowing your material, honing your skills, working on self-mastery, and practicing consistently.

How does the transcript suggest using gestures to convey confidence?

The transcript suggests using deliberate and smooth gestures, such as steepling fingers, and avoiding quick or jittery movements to convey confidence.

How does the control of time relate to displaying confidence?

Confident people demonstrate control of time by taking their time to walk, answer questions, and speak, showing they are not hurried and are in command of the situation.

Outlines

00:00

😀 The Essence of Confidence

This paragraph discusses the traits and behaviors of supremely confident people. It emphasizes the importance of feeling comfortable in any environment, having smooth and broad gestures, and making eye contact. It references Helen Mirren's difficulty in learning to confidently walk onto a scene and how confidence is a skill that can be developed. The text also mentions figures like Colin Powell and Jane Goodall, who exude confidence through their knowledge, experience, and self-command.

05:03

🚶‍♂️ Non-Verbal Communication and Confidence

The focus here is on non-verbal cues that convey confidence. It explains how posture, gaze, and gestures are integral to appearing confident. The text suggests observing and modeling behaviors of high-status individuals to develop one's confidence. It uses Cary Grant as an example of someone who adopted behaviors from high-status individuals to transform himself.

10:06

🛠️ Developing Command Presence

This paragraph highlights the importance of voice control and body language in establishing a command presence. It discusses the significance of practicing authoritative speech and gestures, and the impact of 'Uptalk' on perceived confidence. It includes practical exercises to improve one's command presence, such as practicing saying 'No' with confidence.

🗣️ Mastering Public Speaking

This section provides tips for overcoming the fear of public speaking. It advises being honest about the fear, thoroughly preparing and rehearsing the material, and using physical exercises to reduce tension before speaking. It emphasizes that confidence in public speaking comes with practice and preparation.

🌱 Growing Confidence

The final paragraph concludes that confidence is not innate but can be nurtured and developed. It highlights that confidence can come from various sources such as parental encouragement, personal achievements, and pushing one's boundaries. The text underscores that confidence is accessible to everyone, regardless of age, physical ability, or social status, through knowledge, practice, and self-mastery.

Keywords

💡Confidence

Confidence refers to a feeling of self-assurance that one has the ability to handle situations effectively. In the video's theme, confidence is portrayed as a multifaceted attribute that encompasses non-verbal cues, posture, and behavior. It's exemplified by supremely confident individuals who enter a room without hesitation and demonstrate control over their environment, as mentioned in the script with the reference to Helen Mirren and mastering the art of walking onto a scene.

💡Non-verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication includes gestures, posture, and eye contact, which convey messages without the use of words. The script emphasizes the importance of non-verbal cues in projecting confidence, such as smooth and broad gestures, maintaining eye contact, and walking with a sense of purpose, as illustrated by the advice on how to walk into a public space or to a podium.

💡Command Presence

Command presence is the ability to control and influence a situation or environment through one's demeanor and actions. The script describes command presence as a key aspect of confidence, where individuals like Colin Powell are able to take control of a room even before they speak, demonstrating their knowledge, experience, and self-assurance.

💡Temporal Control

Temporal control refers to the management of time, particularly in the context of when and how one responds or acts. The video script discusses how confident individuals take their time to respond, choosing the pace, manner, and tone of their communication, which signifies their self-assuredness and control over the situation.

💡Socialization

Socialization is the process of learning and internalizing the behaviors and norms of a society or group. The script mentions socialization as a way to develop confident behaviors by observing and modeling the traits of admired leaders or figures, such as Cary Grant adopting behaviors from high-status individuals.

💡Uptalk

Uptalk is a speech pattern where statements are inflected at the end as if they were questions, which can undermine the speaker's confidence. The script points out that uptalk is often perceived negatively in professional settings, as it can make the speaker seem less certain or decisive.

💡Cadence

Cadence in speech refers to the rhythm, stress, and pauses that give variation and emphasis to spoken words. The video script highlights the power of cadence in holding an audience's attention and conveying confidence, as demonstrated by speeches from Martin Luther King and Churchill, which use pauses to create impact.

💡Gestures

Gestures are purposeful movements of the body that communicate meaning or emotion. The script discusses how certain gestures, such as steepling or spreading fingers, can convey confidence and command, and how they should be smooth and deliberate to reflect self-assurance.

💡Mastery

Mastery is the state of having complete control or profound understanding of a subject or skill. The video emphasizes that confidence can be achieved through mastery of one's material or skills, which allows for a more assured and knowledgeable presence, as suggested by the advice to know your material and hone your skills.

💡Public Speaking

Public speaking is the act of addressing an audience in a formal setting. The script acknowledges the common fear of public speaking and offers tips to overcome it, such as admitting fear, studying the material, rehearsing, and warming up to release tension and project confidence.

💡Personal Development

Personal development involves the process of improving one's skills, knowledge, and overall well-being. The video script suggests that confidence is not innate but can be developed through personal growth, achievements, and stepping beyond one's comfort zone, as exemplified by the diverse examples of confident individuals from different walks of life.

Highlights

Supremely confident people feel comfortable and make smooth, broad gestures when entering a room, which is a sign of confidence.

Helen Mirren noted the difficulty of learning to walk onto a scene with confidence, a skill applicable in various professional settings.

Non-verbal cues such as posture, eye contact, and gestures are crucial in projecting confidence.

Colin Powell exemplifies how to command a room through knowledge, experience, and a statesmanlike presence.

Jane Goodall demonstrates that confidence can be quiet and still command attention without theatrics.

Confident individuals have a sense of self-command that extends outward, influencing their environment.

Leadership involves control over time, pacing responses to demonstrate confidence and control.

Socialization plays a role in developing confidence through observing and emulating high-status behaviors.

Cary Grant's transformation into a high-status individual involved adopting behaviors from those he admired.

Modeling confident behaviors, such as those of Cate Blanchett, can help individuals develop their own confident presence.

Simple gestures, like pointing in a direction, can change how one is perceived when done with confidence.

Command presence in law enforcement requires a strong, clear voice to assert authority effectively.

The exercise of saying 'No' with confidence involves deepening the voice and widening the fingers, potentiating the message.

Uptalk, ending statements like questions, can undermine confidence and is generally disliked by executives.

Cadence in speech is powerful for holding attention and conveying confidence through pauses and timing.

Confidence can be conveyed through comfortable posture and controlled gestures, not just physical expansion.

Steepling and other gestures can contribute to a confident communication style.

Confidence involves conveying information effectively without the need for repetition or coercion.

Public speaking can be improved with honesty about fear, preparation, rehearsal, and physical warm-up techniques.

Confidence is not innate but can be developed and nurtured through practice, mastery, and self-awareness.

Transcripts

- People that are supremely confident,

when they enter the room,

they feel comfortable in that room.

They don't hesitate to look around,

their gestures are smooth, but they're very broad.

And that has to do with confidence.

And for a lot of people, this is very difficult.

I remember the great actress, Helen Mirren, saying,

"One of the most difficult things to learn

as an actress is how to walk onto a scene."

I've thought about that even in my career,

how early on, the difficulty of mastering that.

"How do you walk on to a crime scene?

How do you walk into the public,

and demonstrate that I am confident and so forth?"

We can all work a little bit on our non-verbal,

so we come across as more confident.

[upbeat music]

When we talk about confidence, it's so many things.

It has to do with our posture,

the way we present, how we look, where's our chin,

where are the eyes looking and gazing?

Our gestures are loose, but they're smoother.

As we walk about, we walk as though we are on a mission.

I'm walking out to shake your hand,

or I'm walking out to a podium,

or I'm walking to where I'm gonna sit.

So the less confident we are,

the less eye contact we make, the less confident we are,

the more reluctant we are to look about.

You know, when I look at someone I admire,

like Colin Powell, when he walks onto a stage,

even before he speaks, he has total command of the room.

And he does that because he brings two things

into this equation: one is a tremendous amount

of knowledge and experience.

Plus he has shaped and defined himself into a statesman.

- We gotta think of America as a family,

where every member of the family cares

about every other member of the family.

- I think sometimes people mistake a machismo,

or theatrical displays of power, as confidence.

Confidence can be very quiet.

Jane Goodall, here's this ethologist, very meek, very mild.

And yet wherever she goes, she commands the room.

One of the things you notice is they sort of have this

command of themselves, and in doing so,

that command transmits outward.

The other thing that confident people realize

is the temporal aspect of leadership.

If you're in charge, you're in charge of time.

"I'm gonna take my time to walk out.

I'm gonna take my time to answer your question.

I will answer it in the pace, manner,

and tone that I choose."

And in doing that, we are demonstrating

that we are confident, and in control.

[slow piano music]

Where do we get that confident voice?

Where do we get those confident gestures?

This is what's called "socialization".

We notice the principal who acts this way,

we like this leader because of this or that trait.

So I try to model their behaviors, and say,

"This is a shortcut.

And if I have to work on my vocabulary,

that's what high-status people do.

If I have to change my gestures to fit in, in this society,

and then that's what I'm gonna have to do.

That doesn't mean it changes me completely.

It just means that this is what is required of me,

and this is what I want to achieve at this moment in time."

I think of Cary Grant, here's an individual born in the UK,

grew up very poor.

And as he said in his biography, "I became Cary Grant.

I adopted all the behaviors that I saw

from high status individuals."

- Let's think about that, but make up your mind.

- [Joe] And it is difficult to prescribe this,

but one of the easiest things that we can do,

you know, if you're a woman,

maybe you want to model yourself on the actress,

Cate Blanchett, or some other actor and say, you know,

when they're being interviewed, how do they look?

They look so confident. They look interesting.

They have such a command presence.

You know, we're not born this way.

These are things that we have to develop, and say,

"How do I want to be perceived?

And what can I do to achieve that?"

[upbeat music]

Are there better behaviors that you can do?

Here's a simple one, how many of you, somebody says,

"Where'd they go?"

And you go like this.

And as it turns out,

this is one of the most hated signs around the world.

And yet, if we just go like this, "He went that way,"

we're already perceived differently.

Little things.

I tell the story often of when I first came

into law enforcement, they said, "Well, you know,

you've got to get out there and make some arrests."

And the first time I went out there,

and my voice just went really high,

[high-pitch voice] "Stop, you're under arrest."

[normal voice] That sounds horrible.

And you have to work at having that command presence,

where you say, "Stop right there, don't move."

That's almost theatrical, yeah, but it's what is needed.

[slow music]

So let's do this exercise.

I want you to say, "No," just go ahead, say it out loud.

All right, now let's do it right.

Say it as I say it.

No.

No.

No.

Do you see the difference

between the way you said it and this way?

Did you notice that your voice kept getting deeper,

but did you also notice that the fingers

became wider and wider?

The more confident you became,

the wider your fingers were spreading.

There's a big difference between saying, "No, stop,"

and going, "No, stop."

This potentiates the message.

But to get to this, we actually have to practice it.

So let's do it again.

No.

Now go out there and teach your children how to do that.

- I love sometimes selfies in the mirror.

- [Joe] One of my pet peeves is what we hear every day,

with what's called, "Uptalk".

Uptalk is where someone says something,

and then they end making it sound like a question mark.

So it sounds like this:

Four score and seven years ago?

Four score and seven years ago.

Our fathers? Brought forth on this continent?

Our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation.

My company has done research on this, and we've asked CEOs,

and we've asked executives, and some will say,

"Well, you know, I've gotten used to it," and so forth.

But when we asked them, "Does it really matter?"

They all said, "Yeah, we'd rather not see it."

I get pushback from people that say, "Well, you know,

this is just the way that I speak,"

and no doubt, but don't expect the same results.

[applause]

- We choose to go to the moon in this decade,

and do the other things.

Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

Because that goal will serve to organize

and measure the best of our energies and skills.

[slow piano music]

- [Joe] The cadence in our speech is extremely powerful

for a couple of reasons.

One, we know that when people machine-gun a statement,

when they talk very fast,

we are less likely to listen to them

over a long period of time.

But when we talk in cadence,

we are sort of held still, listening to what will come next.

And I'll give you an example of, from that great speech,

Martin Luther King gave, as you notice with a cadence,

"I have a dream."

- I have a dream.

- [Joe] And then he pauses, "That one day."

- That one day.

- [Joe] And then he goes on.

And Churchill used the same thing.

Churchill's notes literally would create spaces

for how long he would pause.

- From Stettin in the Baltic,

to Trieste in the Adriatic,

an iron curtain has descended across the continent.

- These pauses make people listen.

And one of the things that we teach,

is if you want people to listen to you,

use cadence, to get their attention, hold their attention,

but then look forward to

what that next set of words will be.

It lets them know, at a subconscious level,

this is the person in charge.

And we know that they're in charge

because they have temporal control over this,

they're not in a hurry.

[slow piano music]

So, you know, a lot of times people say to me,

"Well, does confidence look like, you know,

chest out, shoulders back, chin up?"

Yeah, that looks pretty good.

But you know, a lot of times confidence

is just sitting comfortably in a chair.

And that may have more to do with

how much space you control.

It may have to do with the gestures that you use.

You've probably noticed that I use a lot of steepling,

I tend to interlace my fingers and so forth.

These are gestures that contribute to that communication

that I'm trying to get across,

that I am confident about what I'm talking about.

So it's not just about puffing our chests out,

or certainly not about talking louder or anything.

It's about controlling my environment,

but making sure that what I'm transmitting,

at all times, is confidence.

And that means, I'm prepared,

I'm ready to answer, I'm gonna answer you now.

I'm gonna answer you effectively.

And I'm gonna make sure that you understand what I said.

I'm here to convey, I'm not here to convince.

A lot of times, people who are lacking confidence,

or trying to convince you of something,

"Hey, if I'm confident, I just say it once;

it's this way, and that's it."

I convey the information, rather than sit there

and try to beat it into you

by repeating it 10 different ways.

Compare the gestures I'm about to do.

It's about temporal movement controlling time.

So the person in charge has the time

to look up at their own pace.

The gestures are smooth, there's no hesitation.

There's no quick movements.

There's no jitteriness, there doesn't have to be.

I'm in charge.

When I feel this confident,

I feel like I have to be in a hurry,

that I've gotta look up, and I've gotta answer right away.

And there's a lot of preening behaviors,

and these are detracting from me.

[upbeat piano music]

- I was really shy a few years ago,

probably this is changing a little bit.

- [Joe] People are horrified to speak in public.

I used to be horrified to speak in public.

I still get nervous to speak in public,

but here's some tricks I found that you might find useful.

The first one is, don't hesitate, ever,

to say, "You know what, this is scary."

Be honest with yourself. This is unnatural.

Number two, take refuge in knowing that if I sit down,

and study this material,

I will know it better than my audience.

The third thing I always do is I rehearse.

Really helps, so that the first time you hear it in a forum,

it doesn't scare you.

When it's time to do the presentation,

one of the things I like to do is to warm up.

I find a good solid wall, and I will just lean into it

like I'm holding this a wall up,

pressing against it just as if I were doing a pushup.

And one of the things that that does,

is it releases a lot of muscular tension.

And because I'm doing it very wide,

it makes me feel more powerful,

that I need to walk on that stage

as though it's mine, with full confidence.

It is only then that I look at my audience,

and then I just take a second

to get myself together, and to begin

With practice, obviously you're gonna get

better and better and better.

[slow music]

Let's face it: people are not born confident.

They're just not.

We can become confident with the assistance

of our parents, who encourage us.

We can become confident through our own achievements.

We can become confident by going beyond our boundaries.

But confidence is something that we can grow,

we can nurture.

I mean, I have seen people in wheelchairs

that are supremely confident.

I have seen elderly people in their 90s

who are very confident.

I've seen children who are holding a violin

with such confidence.

If you want to be confident, know your material,

know the information, hone that skill, work at it,

have that mastery of things, and of self.

And that's how you will come across as confident,

no matter what your station and in life is.