HARVARD negotiator explains: How To Get What You Want

Summary

In this video, negotiation expert William Ury outlines five key steps to master difficult negotiations and turn deadlock into productive dialogue. He advises starting with detachment (‘going to the balcony’) to assess the situation, then stepping into the other person’s shoes to build empathy. Ury emphasizes reframing problems creatively, making it easy for the other side to agree by addressing hidden barriers, and educating them on the consequences of not reaching a deal. Using the metaphor of dividing 17 camels, Ury shows how stepping back and finding innovative solutions can lead to successful outcomes for both parties.

Takeaways

• 😀 Step 1: Don't react – mentally distance yourself from emotions in tense situations by 'going to the balcony,' and focus on your ultimate goal instead of reacting impulsively.
• 😀 Step 2: Step to their side – calm the other person down by actively listening, acknowledging their perspective, and agreeing where possible. This builds trust and diffuses tension.
• 😀 Step 3: Change the game – if your opponent refuses to collaborate, reframe the discussion into problem-solving by asking for advice, uncovering their deeper interests, or exploring alternative solutions.
• 😀 Step 4: Build a golden bridge – make it easier for your opponent to agree by addressing hidden barriers such as ensuring they feel the solution is their idea, meeting unmet interests, and avoiding making them feel rushed.
• 😀 Step 5: Make it hard to say no – educate your opponent on the consequences of refusing to agree by helping them understand the real impact of their choices, so they can make an informed decision.
• 😀 😀 Negotiation is about finding solutions that work for both parties, not winning arguments or proving the other wrong. The goal is to understand both sides' interests.
• 😀 😊 Listening is the key to defusing tension. Even if you don’t agree with the other person, showing you understand their perspective builds rapport and reduces resistance.
• 😀 🙏 Saying sorry when appropriate can immediately neutralize negative emotions and shift the focus toward solution-based discussions.
• 😀 🤝 To avoid alienating your opponent, show respect for their authority and competence, and acknowledge their expertise during the negotiation process.
• 😀 🤔 Asking questions like 'What if?' and 'Why?' shifts the focus from positions to underlying interests, encouraging creative solutions that can benefit both sides.

Q & A

What is the primary goal in any negotiation, according to the script?

The primary goal in any negotiation is not to win the argument or prove someone wrong, but to achieve your deeper interests while also considering the interests of the other party.

What does 'going to the balcony' mean in the context of negotiation?

'Going to the balcony' is a metaphor for mentally distancing yourself from the emotional reactions during a difficult negotiation. It involves taking a pause and reflecting on your true goals and the other party’s interests before proceeding.

Why is listening to your opponent so crucial in negotiations?

Listening is important because it helps calm your opponent, builds trust, and makes them more open to hearing your perspective. Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with them, but showing that you understand their feelings and concerns.

What does saying 'I'm sorry' achieve in a negotiation?

Saying 'I'm sorry' helps diffuse negative emotions, acknowledges any mistakes, and shifts the focus towards finding a solution, rather than escalating the conflict.

How does showing respect for your opponent’s authority benefit the negotiation?

Acknowledging your opponent's authority or competence helps avoid challenging their personal standing, reducing resistance and making them more likely to cooperate in the negotiation.

What is the difference between 'positions' and 'interests' in negotiation?

Positions are the surface-level demands or wants of a person, such as money or conditions. Interests are the underlying needs, desires, or fears that motivate those positions. Effective negotiation focuses on understanding and addressing these deeper interests.

What is the significance of reframing in negotiations?

Reframing shifts the focus from arguing over who is right to collaborating on solving the problem. It helps create an environment where both sides can explore solutions that work for everyone involved.

How does asking for advice change the dynamic of a negotiation?

Asking for advice makes your opponent feel valued and respected, which often shifts their focus from confrontation to problem-solving. It also opens the door for creative solutions and makes the other party more willing to cooperate.

Why is it important to build a 'golden bridge' during negotiations?

Building a golden bridge involves making it easy for the other side to say yes by addressing potential barriers like their unmet needs, fear of looking bad, or feeling rushed. This helps ensure that both parties feel satisfied with the agreement.

What does it mean to 'bring them to their senses, not their knees' in negotiation?

This approach encourages educating the other party about the consequences of not reaching an agreement, rather than forcing them into submission. It helps the other party realize that cooperating is in their best interest.