How to Predict Divorce With 95% Accuracy | Jordan Peterson

Summary

The video script delves into John Gottman's research on marital stability, highlighting his method of observing couples in a lab setting to predict divorce with remarkable accuracy. Gottman identifies two key phenomena: the 'eggshell' communication of couples destined for divorce, who appear calm but are physiologically aroused, and the importance of responding positively to each other's 'bids' for connection. Successful couples, according to Gottman, navigate underlying resentments and maintain a positive interaction pattern, fostering a well-structured and functional relationship dynamic.

Takeaways

• 🧪 Gottman's research uses a unique lab setup to study marital stability, predicting divorce with high accuracy.
• 🔮 Couples likely to divorce appear calm in conversation but show high physiological arousal, indicating underlying tension.
• 🚫 The calmness of these couples is described as 'walking on eggshells', suggesting a fragile peace rather than genuine communication.
• 🐾 Gottman identifies 'bids' as small attempts by one partner to share or connect, which are crucial for relationship health.
• 🤔 The physiological reactivity in troubled couples suggests unresolved issues and resentments that affect their interactions.
• 💔 A lack of response or a negative response to a partner's 'bid' can signal deeper relationship problems.
• 👥 Successful couples are those who respond positively to each other's bids, maintaining a generally positive interaction.
• 🤝 Positive responses to bids are indicative of a well-structured and functional relationship dynamic.
• 😐 The 'contempt noise' or subtle negative reactions can be a sign of underlying resentment and disorganization in the relationship.
• 🧐 The structure of the unconscious mind in a relationship is either well-organized and mutually understood or chaotic and conflicted.
• 🔍 Understanding the unconscious structure and addressing it can be key to resolving the 'horror underneath the surface' in a relationship.

Q & A

Who is Gottman, and what has he studied?

Gottman is a researcher who has conducted extensive studies on marital stability and couples' behavior. He has set up a lab where he observes couples over a weekend to predict whether they are likely to divorce.

How accurate is Gottman's prediction of divorce?

Gottman can predict whether a couple is going to divorce with 94-95% accuracy, which is highly impressive.

What physiological reactions do couples who are likely to divorce exhibit?

Couples likely to divorce often speak calmly, but their physiology indicates high arousal, similar to someone facing a predator. This suggests underlying tension and unresolved issues.

What does the metaphor of predator and prey suggest about unhappy couples?

The metaphor suggests that unhappy couples may view each other as adversaries, with their calm communication being more about preventing conflict than genuinely interacting.

What does Freud suggest is under the surface of a strained relationship?

Freud would suggest that what's under the surface of a strained relationship is the unconscious mind, where unresolved conflicts and emotions reside.

What example does the transcript give to illustrate Gottman's observations?

The transcript gives an example where a woman points out a cardinal outside the window. The husband's response options range from dismissive to engaging, reflecting underlying dynamics in the relationship.

What are the four possible responses the husband can have to the woman's comment about the bird?

The four responses are: dismissing the comment with contempt, going over to look at the bird, not showing contempt but acting it out, or responding positively and engaging with the comment.

What does a 'Freudian slip' reveal in the context of Gottman's observations?

A 'Freudian slip' in this context reveals underlying unresolved issues and resentment in the relationship, where small interactions are loaded with deeper conflicts.

What does Gottman mean by 'bids' in relationships?

Gottman refers to 'bids' as attempts by one partner to share something, even small positive things, with the other. Successful couples respond to these bids positively, which helps maintain a positive interaction pattern.

What distinguishes successful couples from those who are likely to divorce?

Successful couples respond positively to each other's bids and have worked through underlying issues, maintaining a functional and mutually agreed-upon structure in their relationship. In contrast, couples likely to divorce often have unresolved conflicts that manifest in negative physiological reactions and interactions.