How to Discover Your Authentic Self -- at Any Age | Bevy Smith | TED

Summary

The speaker, a self-proclaimed late bloomer, shares her journey of personal and professional transformation at 55. She emphasizes the importance of not settling, drawing on life lessons from her mother, Lolly, who taught her to be independent and embrace aging. The speaker candidly discusses her past as 'Bitchy Bevy' and her evolution to a more authentic self, advocating for self-acceptance, extending grace to others, and living life to the fullest in the present.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The speaker embraces being a late bloomer and finds success and fulfillment in her 50s, emphasizing that life gets better with age.
• 💼 At 38, she was a successful fashion advertising executive but realized she was pretending to be happy and decided to make a change.
• 🚀 The speaker's mother, Lolly, taught her not to settle and to seek a life of adventure, which influenced her decision to quit her high-profile job.
• 💸 She experienced financial struggles from the age of 40 to 45 but considers those years invaluable for her personal growth and journey.
• 🤔 The speaker challenges the audience to question their confidence and the judgments of others when going against societal norms.
• 👵 The influence of her mother's independence, self-sufficiency, and attitude towards aging is a significant factor in the speaker's philosophy of life.
• 🎭 The speaker encourages embracing one's authentic self and not being confined by societal expectations or personas created for career advancement.
• 🧐 She shares a self-help ritual called 'Take a note, give a note' to deal with envy and to cultivate grace and authenticity in one's reactions to others' success.
• 🔍 The process of self-discovery involved asking three key questions about her core identity, how she was perceived, and how she wished to be perceived.
• 🌈 The speaker's transformation led her to reconnect with her 'Little Brown Bevy' persona, allowing her to pursue her passions and live a more authentic life.
• 🏆 Despite her late start in certain areas, she has achieved success as a radio and TV host, author, actress, and creative consultant, proving that it's never too late to bloom.

Q & A

How does the speaker describe herself in the context of her age and accomplishments?

The speaker describes herself as a 'late bloomer' who, at the age of 55, has achieved success and self-assurance by living a life of adventure and not settling for less than what she desires.

What was the speaker's profession at the age of 38, and how did she feel about it?

At the age of 38, the speaker was a successful fashion advertising executive, living what many considered a dream life. However, she realized she was only pretending to be happy and felt that she was settling.

What lesson did the speaker's mother, Lolly, teach her that influenced her life decisions?

Lolly's number one lesson to the speaker was 'don't settle.' This lesson encouraged the speaker to quit her job at 38 with the intention of making every day a great adventure.

How did the speaker's mother, Lolly, demonstrate independence and self-sufficiency in her life?

Lolly demonstrated independence by keeping her maiden name, continuing to work after having children, and cooking only once a week to avoid being financially dependent on her husband.

What is the significance of the phrase 'Black don’t crack' in the context of the speaker's discussion about aging?

The phrase 'Black don’t crack' is used humorously to acknowledge a common belief about the aging process in the Black community. The speaker's mother embraced aging and did not hide her age, teaching the speaker to appreciate the beauty in aging.

How does the speaker address the issue of settling in life and its potential consequences?

The speaker views settling as insidious, suggesting it keeps people waiting for a better day that may never come. She encourages not settling for less and making each day better than the last.

What personal transformation did the speaker undergo after leaving her high-powered job in fashion?

After leaving her job, the speaker experienced financial struggles but found a sense of adventure and fulfillment. She describes becoming more authentic, pursuing her passions, and learning to be alone without being lonely.

What advice does the speaker offer for dealing with feelings of envy or inadequacy when seeing others succeed?

The speaker suggests a self-help ritual called 'Take a note, give a note.' This involves self-reflection to determine if one truly wants what others have, and then extending genuine congratulations to others as a way to cultivate grace and improve one's own well-being.

How did the speaker redefine her identity and move away from the 'Bitchy Bevy' persona?

The speaker redefined her identity by asking herself three questions: 'Who am I at my core?', 'How am I being perceived?', and 'How would I like to be perceived?' This introspection helped her to embrace her authentic self and let go of the 'Bitchy Bevy' persona.

What is the significance of the speaker's journey in terms of personal growth and self-discovery?

The speaker's journey is significant as it represents a process of personal growth and self-discovery. She moved from a place of pretending to be happy and settling in her career to embracing her authentic self and finding fulfillment in her later years.

How does the speaker conclude her speech, and what message does she convey to the audience?

The speaker concludes her speech by embracing her status as a late bloomer and asserting that it's okay because 'it gets greater later.' She conveys the message that it's never too late to find one's true self and that personal growth and happiness can be achieved at any age.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Embracing the Late Bloomer Mindset

The speaker, a self-proclaimed 'late bloomer,' shares her journey of personal and professional growth, emphasizing the importance of not settling and seeking adventure in life. Despite having a successful career in fashion advertising at 38, she felt unfulfilled and chose to quit, embracing a life of uncertainty but also of great adventure. Her mother, Lolly, instilled in her the lesson of not settling and living life on one's own terms, which the speaker applies to her life, even during financially challenging times. The speaker also humorously addresses societal expectations and judgments, crediting her confidence to her mother's influence.

05:04

🚀 Overcoming Settling and Self-Discovery

The speaker discusses the dangers of settling in life and the importance of self-discovery and authenticity. She shares her own experience of being a 'Bitchy Bevy' in the fashion industry, a persona that was profitable but isolating. Through self-reflection and the realization that her emotional growth was lagging behind her intellectual growth, she embarked on a journey to rediscover her authentic self. She introduces a self-help ritual called 'Take a note, give a note,' which involves acknowledging others' success and extending grace, leading to personal growth and happiness. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of being true to oneself and the process of excavating one's suppressed inner self.

10:05

🌱 The Transformation to Authenticity and Fulfillment

In this paragraph, the speaker concludes her journey of transformation, highlighting her evolution from a persona-driven individual to one who embraces her authentic self. She shares her core values and how she has redefined her perception and the way she wants to be perceived by others. The speaker's transition from the fashion industry to a more fulfilling life, including her love for culture and travel, has led to a more genuine and connected existence. She encourages others to embrace their true selves and not to be swayed by societal expectations. The speaker's story is a testament to the power of authenticity and the beauty of personal growth, culminating in her feeling that she has arrived at her most 'Bevyest' self, ready to face the world with an open heart and a love for life's adventures.

Keywords

💡Late bloomer

A late bloomer refers to someone who achieves success or develops their talents later in life. In the script, the speaker identifies as a late bloomer, emphasizing that their significant accomplishments and self-realizations occurred later than might be expected. This concept underscores the theme that it's never too late to pursue one's true path and find fulfillment.

💡Don't settle

This phrase, taught by the speaker's mother Lolly, emphasizes the importance of not accepting less than one deserves or desires in life. It relates to the video's theme by illustrating the speaker's decision to leave a successful but unfulfilling career to seek true happiness and adventure, even at the risk of financial instability.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. The speaker stresses the value of being authentic and living a life that genuinely reflects one's true self. This is demonstrated through their journey of leaving a high-paying job to find a more fulfilling path and encouraging others to reject societal pressures and embrace their true identities.

💡Confidence

Confidence is a state of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of their own abilities or qualities. The speaker discusses how people often question their confidence, sometimes with an underlying judgment. The message conveys that true confidence comes from self-acceptance and the lessons learned from one's own life experiences, rather than external validation.

💡Grace

Grace, in this context, refers to extending kindness and goodwill to others, even when it's difficult. The speaker highlights the practice of extending grace to others by congratulating them on their successes, which helps to remove malice and fosters a better personal outlook. This concept is tied to personal growth and positive relationships.

💡Lolly's lessons

Lolly's lessons refer to the wisdom imparted by the speaker's mother, which includes not settling and embracing one's true self. These lessons form a core part of the speaker's narrative, influencing their decisions and shaping their philosophy on life and personal fulfillment.

💡Aging

Aging is the process of growing older. The speaker discusses the beauty and acceptance of aging, challenging societal norms that often view aging negatively. The phrase 'Black don’t crack' is used to celebrate the speaker's and their mother's graceful aging. This concept reinforces the theme of embracing one's true self and finding beauty in all stages of life.

💡Self-discovery

Self-discovery is the process of gaining a deeper understanding of one's true character and desires. The speaker narrates their journey of self-discovery after leaving a successful career, exploring their interests, and reconnecting with their core self. This concept is central to the video's message about the importance of personal growth and authenticity.

💡Insecurities

Insecurities refer to feelings of uncertainty or anxiety about oneself. The speaker candidly shares their moments of insecurity, even after achieving success. By addressing these insecurities, the speaker emphasizes the ongoing nature of personal growth and the importance of self-acceptance.

💡Empowerment

Empowerment involves gaining control over one's life and making choices that lead to personal growth and fulfillment. The speaker's story is one of empowerment, as they take bold steps to change their life and live authentically. This theme encourages the audience to pursue their own paths and trust in their abilities to create meaningful lives.

Highlights

The speaker embraces her identity as a late bloomer and finds joy in it, contrary to societal expectations.

At 38, she was a successful fashion advertising executive living a dream life but realized she was only pretending to be happy.

The speaker quit her job at 38 to seek a life of daily adventure, valuing it over financial security.

She faced financial struggles from age 40 to 45 but wouldn't trade that experience for a settled life.

The speaker's mother, Lolly, taught her not to settle and to seek independence and self-reliance.

Lolly maintained her independence and individuality even after marriage and having children.

The speaker's mother exemplifies a strong, independent woman who is comfortable in her own skin.

Lolly's approach to life and aging is one of acceptance and celebration of her age.

The speaker observes a fear of aging among younger generations and challenges this mindset.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of not settling and living life to the fullest.

She shares her journey of self-discovery and embracing her authentic self.

The speaker discusses her past persona 'Bitchy Bevy' and the lessons learned from that period.

She introduces a self-help ritual called 'Take a note, give a note' to deal with envy and extend grace to others.

The speaker reflects on the importance of being true to oneself and overcoming suppressed identities.

She shares her core values and how they have shaped her authentic self.

The speaker talks about the transformation in her life and embracing her nerdy side.

She discusses the power of self-acceptance and the impact it has on personal growth and happiness.

The speaker concludes by affirming that it's okay to be a late bloomer and that life gets better with age.

Transcripts

I am a late bloomer.

In fact, a friend of mine you may have heard of --

Chris Rock --

he once called me the most late-blooming mofo he’d ever met.

(Laughter)

Now, some people might consider that snide,

but I revel in it.

I’m 55,

and I’m here in this curvy body as someone who has done the work,

lived the life

walked the walk in these very high heels --

(Laughter)

and therefore is qualified to testify in the church

and in the court of law

that it does, in fact, get greater later.

(Applause and cheers)

Now coming to this realization wasn’t easy.

At the age of 38, I was a very successful fashion advertising executive,

and I was really living what most people considered a dream life.

I was jet-setting to fashion shows;

I was receiving free designer clothes;

I was double-kissing my way across the globe.

(Laughter)

I was.

And, you know, it was everything that I ever wanted it to be,

and then one day I realized I was only pretending to be happy.

But I couldn’t blow up my good life in my prime earning years, right?

Wrong.

Which leads me to lessons my mother Lolly taught me.

Lolly’s number one lesson:

don’t settle.

Don’t settle.

Now I’m aware that my well-paying, glamorous career

is not exactly the humdrum, “I hate my job” stereotype

that most people equate with settling.

But it was a settle for me,

because when I actually did quit my job at the age of 38,

it was with the intention that every day be a great adventure.

Now sometimes it was a very scary adventure,

like being broke from the age of 40 to 45.

But even still, I wouldn’t trade that for the safe and settled version,

because if I had, I would not be here with y’all today.

(Applause and cheers)

Yeah.

So you know how when you like, buck the system

and go against the status quo,

it makes people really uncomfortable?

And invariably, people will ask,

“Where do you get your confidence?”

(Laughter)

Now some people mean it as a compliment,

but very often it’s shady ...

(Laughter)

and it's a silent judgment.

And to those people,

I respond with a quote from this Brooklyn poet you may have heard of,

Jay-Z.

(Laughter)

“She get it from her mama.”

I am she,

and my mama is the epitome of a grown-ass woman:

someone who has always been very comfortable in her skin.

In 1965, my mom was 37 years old.

She already had one child,

my big brother, Gerry,

and she married my dad, but she kept her maiden name.

And then she had my sister Stephanie and I back-to-back,

but she continued to work

because she refused to be beholden to my dad for money.

And I bet my mom was the only woman in our neighborhood

who cooked once a week.

She made Sunday dinner.

It was an extravaganza,

but that’s all she did.

She cooked one day a week.

My mom is just amazing.

And she also had this ability of talking to her children about real life

and making sure that we understood the virtues of going your own way,

which is why I believe today at the age of 94,

and a recent widow,

my mom is still carving out ways

to find and determine and define her own version of happiness.

She cooks for herself.

She maintains her home exactly as she sees fit.

She enjoys champagne and R-rated films.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

My mom has managed to maintain her glamour,

her sex appeal,

you know, her independence.

And I really hope some of that rubs off on me.

You know, recently I’ve been thinking about one of the best lessons

that my mom ever taught me,

which is the literal beauty in aging.

Now, we all know that Black don’t crack, right?

OK...

Black don’t crack.

So at the age of 50, my mom could have easily passed for the age of 35.

And you know, that’s back during the time when people --

women were really coy about their age.

“Oh, a lady never tells her age.”

My mom never subscribed to that.

She was always proud of her age.

As a matter of fact,

she believes you may not tell your age,

but your hands and your neck will.

(Laughter)

So make peace with aging,

or prepare for an entire wardrobe of gloves and turtlenecks.

(Laughter)

Yeah, my mom has always done these wonderful things like that,

but I wish she could rub off on everyone

because I feel like now I’m looking at even 20-somethings

who have a fear of aging.

I watch them on social media,

like, you know, compulsively practiclng the latest 10-second dance craze,

and it feels like their angsty

and asking, “Is that all there is?”

And I just want to yell,

“Yes, that is all there is if all you’re going to do is settle

for dancing to someone else’s TikTok beat!”

(Laughter)

(Applause and cheers)

Settling is very insidious.

It keeps us dancing on this string,

waiting for this elusive, better day to miraculously appear.

Now thanks to Lolly’s tutelage, that’s not my story.

In fact, I take each day as it comes

but I try to make it better than the last.

So, you know, I’m single ...

but I’m always ready to mingle.

(Laughter)

I’m an entrepreneur,

but I keep multiple revenue streams.

I’m a solo traveler,

which means I’ve done the sepia version of “Eat, Pray, Love” on six continents.

Because I don’t settle.

What that means is that I also don’t second-guess my decisions,

and I’m also not worried about my future

because I’m firmly rooted in the present.

Settling is a really sinister thing.

It will keep you up at night tossing and turning,

trying to figure out why

and trying to answer that age-old question of “Is that all there is?”

Personally, I don’t have time for that,

because the only time I want to be kept up all night long tossing and turning

is when I’m in the company of a fine-ass man.

(Laughter)

(Applause and cheers)

That's it.

(Applause)

I wish I could tell you guys

that I learned all these valuable lessons from Lolly

and they were instilled in me and it was great,

but alas, I am a late bloomer in all regards.

So I had to learn a couple of lessons from the era of Bitchy Bevy.

What kind of person has 10 assistants in five years?

Bitchy Bevy, that’s who.

(Laughter)

Now I didn’t start out my career with a toxic attitude.

No, initially I was really happy to be in the fashion industry.

You know, but then I began to compare my trajectory to others,

and I also began to feel burned out

because I was burdened by these personas that I had created

that were allegedly going to help me progress in my career.

I made a couple of mistakes.

One, I thought that being snarky was a good career move.

It wasn’t.

I also thought I look good in the color brown.

I actually don’t.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

(Laughter)

And, you know, I just --

in my dream montage,

I wanted to get away from Bitchy Bevy.

I wanted to get away from the color brown.

And so in the movie version of my life,

as soon as I quit my job,

I’m a yoga guru.

I’m extremely limber and very happy.

Come to think of it though, guys,

I’m actually limber and happy right now.

But I would be lying --

and I believe it is against international law

to lie during a TED Talk --

(Laughter)

so I’m not going to do that.

And as a matter of fact, my insecurities popped back up as late as last year.

I was minding my business, as one does, perusing social media,

and I saw people excelling in a space

where I, you know, traditionally had a lot of success.

So I’m looking at it and I’m like,

“Well, why the hell they ain’t call me for that job?”

And I have this, like, angst,

and then I realize they didn’t call me for that job

because you already said you didn’t want that job.

You told the universe you weren’t into working like that.

You don’t want a job --

I really don’t.

(Laughter)

I’m not into it.

So...

that’s why it happened.

And what I realize is that intellectually I had grown and evolved,

but emotionally ...

I was Tom Petty

and I was living in “Petticoat Junction.”

(Laughter)

I told y’all that brown doesn’t look good on me;

petty looks even worse.

It’s not my shade.

And so what I wound up having to do was really get a grip.

I had to assess a few things about myself,

and I decided to do a little self-help ritual called ...

“Take a note, give a note.”

It’s easy.

When you see someone having something that you believe you deserve,

you take a note.

You ask yourself a few questions.

Is it something that you really want?

Perhaps that person is better suited than you are for that.

Does the universe --

is the universe conspiring for you to have that?

Really kind of try and be honest with who you are

and where you’re at in life.

Once you do that, you take a deep breath --

(Inhales)

and you say, “Their wins have nothing to do with my worthiness.”

And then you’re ready to give a note.

You go on social media,

and you say congratulations.

Or my personal favorite,

you pick up the phone, like it’s the 20th century,

and you say, “Congratulations,

kudos, you did that, Al!

You go, girl!”

You do all the things.

Instantly you feel like a better human being

because you have actually extended grace.

You’ve extended grace.

You’ve extended grace to someone else.

And I believe that when you remove malice from your heart,

not only do you feel better, you look better.

I think you lose your frown lines and your wrinkles lessen

and your age spots disappear.

I believe it’s better than Botox,

extending grace.

I do.

(Applause)

Yeah.

No, but let me get back to the note thing.

So one of my favorite notes is from Willie Shakespeare.

“To thine own self be true.”

Now we’ve all read self-help books,

and the first line of defense is always “Be your most authentic self.”

And I believe in that.

I believe that nobody can be you but you,

so you might as well show up and show out.

But here’s the quandary that the bard never put forth.

What if you don’t really know who you are because you suppressed your inner self?

You’ve suppressed the core of you.

You’ve suppressed the best parts of you

because you took on these other identities and these personas

in an effort to make your life better.

Because, you know, we all buy into some things

about what we’re supposed to be doing and who we’re supposed to be.

So what if you squelch that?

Because I know I had to excavate to dig up a Little Brown Bevy.

But the way I found her was with three questions.

Who am I at my core?

How am I being perceived?

How would I like to be perceived?

Who am I at my core?

At my core I’m looking to authentically connect with people.

I don't like a cursory, you know, interaction,

and I do not believe in networking.

I like an authentic connection.

I’m also curious and I’m adventurous

and I’m kind

and I’ve got big dreams.

How am I being perceived?

Well, y’all know the nickname, Bitchy Bevy ...

so, duh.

But here’s the problem.

There’s a lot of power in that persona,

and I actually really enjoyed it for a time, you know,

because you can make a lot of money being a bitch,

especially in fashion.

(Laughter)

But it’s also incredibly lonely and isolating,

and I didn’t want to live that life anymore.

And so I decided to change my life.

And I left all of that alone.

I really did, like, just change my spirit.

And leaving fashion obviously helped.

And when I did that,

all of a sudden, I let Little Brown Bevy out to play.

Little Brown Bevy.

I love her so much.

Little Brown Bevy is a nerdy girl,

and so I let my nerdy pursuits come out to play.

I must have joined every museum on Museum Mile in New York City.

I began to travel the world

just to look at architecture I had always dreamed of.

I learned how to be alone without being lonely.

My spirit shifted.

I became a better person.

You can ask people --

I became a better person.

And now I get to stand here in front of you guys

with no bravado,

with nothing to prove,

I tell you, with nothing to prove.

I’m not trying to prove nothing to y’all.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)

I have an open heart.

And I can’t even believe

that Little Brown Bevy from 150th Street and Eighth Avenue,

from the hamlet of Harlem,

is now an award-winning radio and TV host,

an author,

an actress,

a creative consultant.

I would do all those things for free.

But here’s the thing.

I ain’t cheap, and I’m definitely not free,

so don't get any ideas.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

But I am here in this “Mama I made it” moment

as someone who can show up as her most Bevyest self

because I’ve done the work.

Yeah, my most Bevyest self.

So, you know, I’m going to show up --

some of you’ve met me --

you know I’m vibrant and boisterous, AKA loud.

OK, you know that I’m going to show up,

and I’ve got a pep in my high heel, red-bottom step.

I do have heaving cleavage.

(Laughter)

And I’ve got a tell-it-like-it-is approach to life

that’s always dosed with a ladle of love.

It took me 55 years to get here.

So, Chris Rock, you’re right.

I’m a late bloomer.

And that’s OK.

Because I’m right on time,

Because it gets greater later.

Thank you.

(Applause and cheers)