Attachment Trauma and Longing

Summary

In this video, Alan Robar, a relationship coach and psychotherapist, delves into the concept of longing and its distorting effect on reality, particularly for individuals with attachment injuries stemming from childhood or adult relationships. He explains how attachment trauma can lead to intrusive thoughts and emotions, often manifesting as obsessive thinking post-breakup. Robar emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between the emotional longing and the reality of a relationship's health, suggesting that the intense desire to reconnect may be a projection of unresolved childhood wounds rather than a rational need for reconciliation.

Takeaways

• 😔 Longing can be a result of an attachment injury, often stemming from childhood experiences that have impacted one's attachment system.
• 😢 The term 'trauma' is used to describe both overt incidents and developmental issues, such as chronic feelings of being ignored, neglected, or betrayed.
• 🤔 Intrusive thoughts are a key symptom of trauma, manifesting as obsessive thinking and emotional disturbances that the mind cannot integrate.
• 🔄 When in a relationship, attachment trauma can be triggered by events that make one feel disconnected or emotionally unmet, leading to a cycle of intrusive thinking.
• 💡 The mind's obsessive looping of thoughts about a partner can be involuntary and symptomatic of trauma, rather than a deliberate choice.
• 😖 The emotional quality of longing is linked to the attachment system, creating a profound desire to reconnect for safety, reassurance, and validation.
• 😨 The intensity of longing can be deceptive, wearing individuals down and leading them to believe that the relationship must be repaired or salvaged.
• 🧠 The churning of the mind, the content of thoughts, and the emotional charge are all components of intrusive thinking that can distort reality.
• 👶 The longing felt for a current partner may mirror unresolved childhood grief and attachment injuries from one's family system.
• 💔 It's crucial to distinguish between the longing for comfort and the projection of unresolved childhood issues onto current relationships.
• 🛡️ Healing involves strengthening the rational mind to recognize that the longing is not for the person, but for addressing one's own emotional state and attachment injuries.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video by Alan Robar?

The main topic of the video is the concept of longing and how it can distort reality, particularly in the context of attachment injuries and trauma.

What is an attachment injury according to the video?

An attachment injury is an experience, usually from childhood, that impacts the attachment system in a way that the individual has not fully recovered or integrated, leading to similar effects as attachment trauma.

What are the three main categories of symptoms associated with trauma mentioned in the video?

The video does not mention all three categories but focuses on 'intrusion' as a main symptom, which manifests as intrusive thinking, feelings, emotions, and body sensations.

How does Alan Robar describe the experience of intrusive thinking in the context of attachment trauma?

Alan Robar describes intrusive thinking as an involuntary, obsessive thought process that continuously loops and churns, often related to a lost relationship, and is not a voluntary choice but a symptom of trauma.

What is the role of emotional longing in the experience of attachment trauma as discussed in the video?

Emotional longing is a profound desire to reconnect with a lost partner, driven by an intense feeling of needing safety, reassurance, and validation, which can be a result of unresolved childhood attachment injuries.

How does the video explain the distortion of reality due to longing?

The video explains that the intense longing can create a deception, making individuals believe that the intensity of their feelings is proof that they need to repair or reunite with the other person, which may not be a rational or healthy decision.

What is the significance of the phrase 'attachment injury came from childhood' in the context of the video?

The phrase signifies that many attachment injuries have roots in childhood experiences of neglect, abandonment, or betrayal, which can later affect adult relationships and the way individuals respond to relationship endings.

How does Alan Robar suggest dealing with the intrusive thoughts and longing after a relationship ends?

Alan Robar suggests strengthening the rational mind, recognizing that the longing is not for the person but for comfort, and separating the emotional intensity from the current adult relationship, acknowledging it as a symptom of unresolved childhood attachment issues.

What is the potential confusion that can arise after ending a relationship, as mentioned in the video?

The potential confusion arises when the mind starts rewriting the narrative of the relationship ending as a personal rejection or abandonment, even if the individual initiated the ending, leading to intense feelings of longing and a distorted perception of reality.

What advice does Alan Robar give for individuals struggling with attachment trauma and longing?

Alan Robar advises individuals to work on healing the intensity of longing, which is a result of childhood attachment injuries, and to practice separating their emotional state from the current adult relationship, focusing on self-care and personal growth.

How can viewers further engage with Alan Robar's work and seek his professional help?

Viewers can subscribe to his YouTube channel for future videos, join the Facebook group titled 'The New Love Addiction', or visit his website, AllenRobar.com, to explore remote coaching services via phone or video conferencing.