How Mastering Detachment will change your life (my method)
Summary
TLDRThis video script delves into the concept of attachment and its impact on personal energy and relationships. It posits that non-attachment can lead to a magnetic presence, while attachment breeds resistance and repulsion. The speaker explores the idea that true happiness and a higher vibration come from within, not from external validation or people. Using the 'still face experiment' as a metaphor, the script discusses the roots of attachment in childhood and suggests that healing and letting go of attachment can lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life.
Takeaways
- 🧲 The concept of 'magnetic energy' is linked to being unattached, suggesting that the less attached one is to outcomes or people, the more attractive they become to others.
- 🔒 Attachment can create resistance and repel potential connections, as it is seen as a form of emotional burden that people may not want to bear.
- 💡 The 'cool guy' archetype represents a person who is magnetic because they are not seeking validation or attachment from others, embodying self-sufficiency.
- 🌌 Being unattached does not mean being indifferent; it's about being in one's own frame of reality and not projecting one's needs onto others.
- 🐾 The 'golden retriever' and 'cat' analogy in relationships highlights the dynamics of anxious and avoidant attachment styles, where one seeks closeness and the other seeks independence.
- 💔 Attachment can lead to projection, where individuals place their unmet childhood needs onto others, creating an unhealthy dynamic of expectation and pressure.
- 👶 The 'still face experiment' demonstrates how early attachments and emotional responses can shape our understanding of self-worth and our relationships with others.
- 🤝 The idea that validation and approval are sought as substitutes for love is critiqued, suggesting that this pursuit is often unfulfilling and can lead to a cycle of wanting more.
- 🚫 The script emphasizes the importance of letting go of the need for external validation and instead cultivating self-love and internal validation.
- 💡 The realization that one's happiness is not contingent on external factors but on one's internal state and perspective is a key takeaway.
- 🌟 The script suggests that developing a relationship with a higher power or 'the Divine' can help in letting go of attachments and embracing a more magnetic and peaceful existence.
Q & A
What is the correlation suggested between attachment and energy in the script?
-The script suggests that people who are not attached possess a more magnetic energy, and the degree of attachment is directly proportional to the degree of resistance and repulsion in attracting others.
What does the script imply about forcing things to work in life?
-The script implies that forcing something to work will not make it yours for long if it is not meant for you, whereas what is meant for you will naturally keep coming and making its way into your life.
How does the script describe the archetype of the 'cool guy' in high school?
-The 'cool guy' is described as someone who is in his own frame of reality, not caring about outcomes or people, which makes him magnetic and attractive to others.
What is the role of attachment in relationships according to the script?
-Attachment in relationships breeds resistance and projection, where one hopes the other person will complete them, leading to pressure that often repels the other person.
What is the 'golden retriever or the cat' analogy mentioned in the script, and what does it represent?
-The analogy represents the dynamics in a relationship where one person is eager and excited (the golden retriever), and the other is aloof and independent (the cat), reflecting anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
What does the script suggest about the illusion of finding happiness through others?
-The script suggests that the illusion of finding happiness through others is a mistaken belief, as true happiness and wholeness come from within and not from external validation or people.
What is the 'ugly cousin substitute' of love mentioned in the script, and why is it problematic?
-The 'ugly cousin substitute' refers to attention and validation, which people often mistake for love. It's problematic because it's never enough and leads to a constant seeking of external approval, which doesn't truly fulfill.
How does the script relate the experience of growing a YouTube channel to attachment?
-The script uses the YouTube channel growth as an example of how external validation, like subscriber counts, can become an attachment that never feels fulfilling and only leads to wanting more.
What is the 'still face experiment' and what does it demonstrate about attachment and emotions?
-The 'still face experiment' is a study where a caregiver stops responding to their baby's cues, causing the baby distress. It demonstrates how early attachments and emotional responses can shape a person's understanding of safety, familiarity, and self-worth.
What are the four truths of attachment mentioned in the script, and how do they relate to personal happiness?
-The four truths are: 1) You must choose between attachment and happiness, as they cannot coexist. 2) Attachments come from past experiences and are not innate. 3) Developing perspective helps understand that attachments are not necessary for happiness. 4) Only you have the power to make yourself happy or unhappy, independent of external factors.
How does the script suggest healing attachment and finding inner peace?
-The script suggests healing attachment by recognizing it as a pattern, not an innate part of oneself, developing perspective, and allowing love to flow through from within, rather than seeking it externally.
Outlines
🧲 The Power of Non-Attachment for Attraction
This paragraph discusses the concept that individuals who are not emotionally attached exude a magnetic energy that attracts others. It contrasts the idea of being attached to outcomes or people, which creates resistance and repels potential connections. The 'cool guy' archetype is used to illustrate the allure of nonchalance. The paragraph also touches on the themes of self-sufficiency, avoiding projection of personal needs onto others, and the potential negative impacts of attachment stemming from childhood experiences or anxious and avoidant attachment styles in relationships.
🔄 From Seeking Validation to Embracing Self-Love
The speaker in this paragraph reflects on the pursuit of external validation and approval as a substitute for genuine love and self-worth. They share personal anecdotes about their journey with social media, illustrating the insatiable nature of seeking validation and the realization that it cannot provide lasting happiness. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of internal love and self-acceptance over external validation, and the transformative power of being present and engaged in activities that bring intrinsic joy and fulfillment.
🌄 The Illusion of Attachment and the Reality of Presence
This paragraph delves into the difference between temporary attachments to achievements and the enduring presence of love and connection. It uses the metaphor of standing atop a mountain after a monetary achievement versus being present at the Grand Canyon with a loved one to highlight the transient nature of material success versus the profound experience of shared love. The speaker encourages understanding the core difference between proving oneself for external validation and simply being, and the role of the reticular activating system in reinforcing beliefs of self-worth or lack thereof.
👶 The Still Face Experiment: Attachment and Emotional Response
The paragraph describes the 'still face experiment,' a psychological study observing the reactions of infants when their mothers cease emotional interaction. It details the baby's progression from protest to despair and eventual withdrawal, illustrating the deep impact of emotional unavailability on attachment and self-perception. The speaker connects this to broader life experiences, where individuals may internalize feelings of inadequacy and seek external validation to compensate for these early attachment experiences.
🔑 The Four Truths of Attachment and the Path to Happiness
In this paragraph, the speaker outlines four truths about attachment that can lead to personal transformation. The first truth posits that attachment and happiness are mutually exclusive. The second truth encourages awareness of the origins of attachment, often stemming from unmet childhood needs. The third truth emphasizes the importance of perspective and understanding that happiness is an internal state, not dependent on external validation. The fourth truth asserts that only the individual has the power to decide their state of happiness. The speaker concludes by advocating for letting go of attachments and developing a deeper connection to one's inner self and the divine flow of life.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Magnetic energy
💡Attachment
💡Resistance
💡Vibration
💡Projection
💡Golden retriever and cat
💡Validation
💡Intimacy
💡Shame
💡Still face experiment
💡Letting go
Highlights
People who are not attached emit a magnetic energy, and the level of attachment correlates with the level of resistance and repulsion in relationships.
Attachment leads to resistance and projection, potentially burdening others with the expectation to fulfill one's needs.
The 'cool guy' archetype exemplifies the magnetic effect of being unattached and self-contained.
Attachment can result from childhood experiences where needs were not met, leading to a projection of these unmet needs onto others.
Relationship dynamics can be compared to the behaviors of a 'golden retriever' and a 'cat', representing different attachment styles.
Attachment styles can be rooted in trauma bonding and may lead to avoidance of intimacy.
The illusion that someone else can complete one's happiness is debunked, emphasizing self-wholeness as the key to attracting love.
Substituting love with attention and validation can lead to a never-ending cycle of seeking external approval.
Blame and externalization of power can stem from unmet childhood needs and affect adult relationships.
The realization that social media validation and approval are insufficient for true happiness.
Being unattached in relationships can lead to more enjoyment and attraction.
The importance of distinguishing between temporary praise and the enduring energy of love and wholeness.
The concept of normalized feelings of inadequacy and the impact on one's life and relationships.
The 'Still Face Experiment' illustrating the effects of emotional unavailability on a child's developing psyche.
Attachment to thoughts and beliefs about self-worth can perpetuate a cycle of seeking external validation.
The transformative power of realizing that love and happiness come from within, not from external sources.
The four truths of attachment from the book 'Stop Fixing Yourself' by Anthony Dello, offering insights into the nature of attachment and happiness.
The importance of letting go of attachment as a conscious choice for personal growth and happiness.
The High Vibe Tribe community offering resources for healing and elevating one's vibration.
Transcripts
people that are not attached have a more
magnetic energy and the degree to which
someone is attached is the degree to
which they are creating resistance and
is also the degree to which they are
repelling people from coming into their
life now one thing to realize is that no
matter how much you try to force
something to work what is not meant for
you will never be yours for
long however what is meant for you you
will find keeps coming and making its
way into your
life now the key to really experiencing
not only a higher vibration more love
more joy more peace but also the key to
attracting love and to feeling magnetic
has to do with a direct proportion to
the degree to which you can be not
attached to outcome and not attached to
people think of even the
archetype of the cool guy who's leaning
against the Lockers in high school he's
got a toothpick in his mouth he's
wearing the leather jacket and he just
doesn't care and you have the Viewpoint
of all these girls that are super
attracted to this dude cuz he just
doesn't
care and if you were to contrast that
it's like why do they like this person
well someone that is in their own frame
frame of
reality has a more magnetic frame
because they don't want anything from
someone else they aren't
attached and the less attached you are
the more magnetic you are the more
attached you are the more repellent you
are because attachment breathes
resistance and also attachment breeds
projection when you are seeing someone
else and you are hoping they are going
to complete you you are projecting all
of this pressure onto them you are
giving them the huge burden of meeting
your
needs and a lot of times you take this a
step further when it comes to Childhood
and if Mom or Dad did not meet your
needs when you were a kid you might find
yourself projecting The Hope and the
desire that this person can meet your
needs
now and they feel that pressure
and from that pressure what ends up
happening is it repels
them I was talking to a friend recently
and we were talking about relationship
Dynamics and she said something
interesting she said have you heard of
the golden retriever or the cat and it's
like in every relationship there's one
person that's the golden retriever who's
super eager and super excited to be
around someone else and then the other
one's the aat which is kind of aloof and
just kind of walking around doing its
own thing now I take that in the way
that I see that is that's more of a
relationship that is trauma bonded or
based in the attachment style of anxious
and avoidant attachment style obviously
the cat being more avoidant doing its
own thing craves Independence but also
but also pushes away
intimacy and then the golden retriever
same thing it's except for it's it's
it's want its strategy to get love is to
want to
desire and to put this kind of needy
energy onto the other person which then
of course repels them but they're both
they both avoid at a certain level a
certain level of
intimacy they've normalized certain
Dynamics in
relationship that have to do with not
feeling
intimate so when it comes to
attachment understand that neither is
really well the goal is to
become I don't know would that be like
cat
dog it it would be to become more whole
within yourself without having the
illusion and buying into the story that
someone else can even make you
happy isn't it funny how these things
that we want in our life we believe are
going to bring us happiness we believe
it's going to finally complete us so
then we project on to other people our
mom stuff or our dad stuff
and we give him the
burden but then at the end of it even if
you got what you
wanted you would eventually either
desire more because here's another thing
here's a route we're going to go down
that I think will be very powerful if
when we were kids we did not receive
love feeling seen heard soothed or
nurtured growing up then what we'll do
is we'll take its ugly cousin
substitute the ugly cousin substitute of
compassion of
Love is attention and
validation we'll settle for
that I'll take the love and valid I I
will interpret validation and attention
as
love but the challenge is that then what
people do is they go out and they look
for it on the
outside can I get enough likes on
Instagram can I get enough approval from
my co-workers can I get this person to
think I'm
awesome and we try to prove it we're
trying to get the validation and
approval because we've settled for the
ugly
cousin instead of
Love Now the difference too is a lot of
times there's a sense of blame there may
be a story of blame I know for a long
time I was blaming because my childhood
didn't have much Freedom so I'm like
this was the problem you are the problem
over here Dad didn't do this mom didn't
do this ex stepmom blah blah blah
projection of power projection of
energy and it felt then I didn't have to
take
responsibility but then guess what in
relationships there was always blame
this person's not doing this right this
person's not doing this right blame
blame blame blame blame externalization
of power and then of course wanting
attention and validation as the ugly
cousin substitute to
love thinking he could get it on the
outside well let me tell you as someone
that woke up to this probably about a
year ago I really started doing this
deep work because subconsciously there
was like a desire like if I grow my
social media to a certain amount if I
add so much value to other people then I
will be so
worthy I will feel so good enough
because I'll have all this validation
approval well anytime you get some of it
the ego just wants more of it it's never
enough take that as someone that has
over 1 and a half million YouTube
subscribers
as somebody that was like I I recognized
when I wanted at first 100,000 Subs on
YouTube back in
2017 that was the
goal if I get a 100,000 Subs I will feel
validated and approved of I'll be loved
I'm closing the loop from
childhood and then what
happens is like it happens in August of
2017 it's going to be so different I'm
going to go to the gym and people are
going to recognize me and I'll find
finally feel validated and approved of
and I went to the gym that day and I was
like where's where's the line of people
just waiting to get my
autograph and then it goes you know what
200,000 100,000 is okay
200,000 and then 200,000 comes I don't
remember how much later it was maybe
probably a couple months cuz things
started growing
quicker and it was like 200,000 wow what
about 250 that's a quarter of a million
and then it was event 300,000 that felt
like a good chunk then 500,000 then it
was like okay a
million and by the time the million come
I kind of it it was a reflection for me
at that point of this part of myself
that I knew I was trying to feed and I
just completely was
nonchalant I was completely unattached
you know what's funny too the best time
the best times on YouTube I've had when
everything was growing the most was when
I was the least
attached it's almost like I'm in a
relationship with YouTu
and the more unattached I am and the
more fun I'm having the better it is
I'll tell you what the more unattached
you are in relationship the more fun you
have in
relationship the more magnetic you'll be
the more attractive you
are it's funny how that works but now
the key so we believe if I get
validation and approval as the ugly step
cousin or whatever the cousin to
love but now we realize we'll it never
can actually be enough because we always
want more because it isn't it's empty so
instead of going for this the key is to
wake up to wake up and
realize that that's not going to make
you happy that it's instead more about
getting to the
core and being able to receive the
love in your
heart to then realize that it flows
through you like contrast these two
ideas contrast this idea that someone is
praising you you did so good oh my God
you're so special you did so good it was
amazing job that you did the other day
how does that feel imagine someone
saying that to
you now imagine instead of that imagine
you just love what you are doing you're
in the act of doing something you love
and it's just flowing through
you feel the difference of those two
Energies
one is attached to outcome in a a a
superficial praise that you feel for a
very short period of time until you need
more of it and the other is an end of
itself me making videos right now
allowing everything to flow through it's
a different
energy the reason I'm ask you to
contrast these two realities is because
they feel very
differently imagine you're at the top of
this mountain metaphorically and you
just achieved something you just made
$100,000 oh my
gosh this feels so good this temporary
thing that will probably go away very
soon because you'll normalize it but
contrast that with being on the top of
the Grand Canyon watching the most
beautiful sunset next to someone you
love they feel very different don't
they one's an
attachment to something happening
thinking it means something about my
sense of selfworth and the other is just
present
and really what we're striving for is
understanding this difference between
trying to prove ourselves as being good
enough trying to prove ourselves to to
oh the validation and approval are signs
of I am good enough but but
fundamentally in the core nervous system
what's happened is people have
normalized feeling not good
enough people have normalized shame I'm
broken there's something wrong with me
so what happens is they continue to
experience that on a reflection in their
life so no matter where you go and what
you do your Ras the reticular activating
system in your brain will look for
evidence of that belief so you go on
social media you're scrolling you're
scrolling you're scrolling you look at
someone else you compare yourself to
them I'm not as good as
them really they're just a reflection of
the shame you could look at that and be
inspired or you could look at that and
compare yourself and then feel shame but
it's like we're we're constantly have
this energy of Shame of believing we're
broken or there's something wrong with
us and then we're attracting people and
situations into our life to reflect that
back because there's something that
feels safe there's something that feels
known about
that so one of the core things that will
change your life more than anything else
is looking at your
attachment to your own thoughts your
attachment to
shame to believing you're broken or
there's something wrong with
you because if you believe you're broken
or there's something wrong with you you
will continue to act think feel and act
equal to that reality you'll continue to
be attached because you're afraid people
are going to see the real you you're
afraid of what people think you're
afraid of showing vulnerable parts of
yourself for fear of rejection or
abandonment
now courage is when you have the ability
to go into this
wound now think of even I know I've
shared this many times in my videos they
still face experiment but imagine a baby
attuned to its
mom it's so quick how fast a baby can
feel its mom withdraw her energy it's
it's Biz it's bizarre it's within
seconds so in the still phas experiment
experiment this will help you understand
shame and this will also help you
understand an
attachment just think about it what of
our first attachments into this reality
our attachment to Mom our attachment to
Dad it's our attachment to our
caregivers and whatever the care
whatever happens between us and the
caregivers we give it subconscious
meaning or we attune our nervous system
to something to say this is safe this is
familiar even if that thing is toxic
even if that thing is emotionally
unavailable that
Dynamic but in the steas experiment a
mom is interacting with their baby
everything's going beautiful miroring of
emotions goooo gag GA mom going goooo
gag GAA baby pointing mom looking oh my
goodness there's this beautiful mirring
of emotions where the baby feels seen
soed heard and nurtured but then what
happens part of the still face
experiment they electrically shock the
baby using tasers I'm just kidding what
they do is in the still face experiment
the mom looks away and when the mom
looks back still face no expression
whatsoever so then what happens is the
baby very quickly begins to go what the
hell is happening what's going on and
within a couple minutes the baby's like
goo gag and Mom's like still face no
expression whatsoever the baby starts to
get uncomfortable she then starts to do
something called protest Behavior she
goes ah she screams mom doesn't look
Mom keep doing the thing until the mom
still doesn't look she points cuz
normally mom will look wherever she
points mom doesn't look still face she
starts to get so uncomfortable when the
protest behaviors don't work when Mom's
not coming back when Mom is physically
or is emotionally unavailable she gets
so uncomfortable she starts to cry and
then she tries contorting her spine to
turn away from Mom because to Bear the
witness to what she is seeing is so
painful she would rather
not 10 out of 10 nope don't recommend
okay that's what the baby's thinking
this is not 10 out of 10 now of course
the baby cries and looks
away what do you think what kind of
beliefs do you think the baby could get
from that the Attunement to Mom has gone
away think of the beliefs that may stem
from
that what did I do
wrong I'm broken maybe there's something
wrong with me maybe I'm not good
enough there's not in intellectual
capacity to understand but there's a
inner child part of this
baby that feels not seen soothed heard
or
nurtured and that part will continue to
normalize that energy and to attach
itself to other people's perspectives to
attach itself to other things to other
people to other outcomes trying to avoid
the shame trying to avoid the feeling of
not being good enough but what's funny
is that feeling of not being good enough
has actually been normalized
so to feel anything other than that
would actually feel kind of scary this
is the weird thing it's like the
attachment is to block the
feeling of actually feeling love whole
and
complete now there's a third part to the
still face
experiment the third part is that after
the baby's crying the mom reemerges with
the baby mirrors the baby's emotions
again goooo oh baby I'm so sorry holds
the baby and the baby stops crying
she feels seen heard soothed and
nurtured and it it in a way balances
that
out she feels good
again just as quickly as she thought Mom
is gone she very quickly thought oh
thank God she freaking came
back now the thing that most people have
missed and the reason so many people are
attached is because they believe that
somehow mom or dad or if they can
control reality they get Mom and Dad to
come back if you attract emotionally
unavailable people maybe you can turn
one of them to become the third part of
the experiment and said the second part
of the
experiment but the key is understanding
that love is something that flows
through you you can heal your
relationship to this kind of dynamic by
understanding there's nothing wrong with
you but also attuning to allowing
yourself to feel love inside of your
heart now when I first did this whole
longer story I don't think I'll get into
it in this video but I did something
called family
constellation which is basically where
you replay certain child Dynamics to
understand your own
energy it's a German
process
and there were people basically I had
people that were certified in this
process or something like that they were
like practitioners of it and there were
four people that were playing out the
energy dynamics of my mom and her
parents side of the family they knew
nothing about me they knew nothing about
the dynamic but the idea is that the
energy is within my field so they were
playing it out long story short by the
end of it I'm sitting there in this
woman's arms me
physically there's this one that looked
like my mom she played my mom's
energy and she's like laying on the
floor I'm like laying her arms she's
like nurturing me as if and I'm like
took me a moment to relax because I'm
like this is kind of very different it's
very intense but eventually as I sink
into the experience I felt this love and
also sharpness in my
heart it felt so uncomfortable it felt
painful but as I sat with that emotion
as I sat with that energy it
began to then dissolve more and more
until this expansiveness opened
up but many times what I believe
happens is we've normalized certain
emotions and maybe normalizing shame I'm
broken there there something wrong with
me attachment is an easy way to
self-sabotage it's an easy way to
continue to feel shame and not good
enough because you keep believing that
something else outside of you has what
you think you
want now real quick I'm going to read
from this book called awareness or maybe
it's called stop fixing yourself it's by
Anthony
Dello it's called stop fixing yourself
is the name of the book there's four
truths about that of attachment that
completely change everything when you
begin to understand it more I'm gonna go
through them quickly just to understand
it uh to kind of share it but the first
truth four truths of attachment the
forth truth you must choose between your
attachment and happiness you can't have
both the moment you pick up an
attachment your heart is thrown out on
kilter and your ability to lead a joyful
Carefree Serene scene is destroyed think
about that it's like you can have your
attachment or you can have love or
happiness but you can't have
both that's the first truth of
attachment the second Truth where did
your attachment come from become aware
of where it came
from what you'll do is you'll realize
you weren't born with it at some point
in your past something happened you
decided this is very important to me so
if you didn't receive certain level of
seen soothed heard nurtured growing up
you may have decided I want validation
and
approval I'm attached to that I'm
attached to what you think and you start
to become aware of where it is you start
to realize you weren't innately born
with it it's a pattern that you picked
up the third truth if you wish to be
fully Alive you must develop a sense of
perspective understand there are a lot
of people that don't have that
attachment that are very
happy understand also that the universe
is so big when you look at the stars at
night there's so many things going on
and it kind of puts it in perspective
for this little attachment it's like
well if I had this then I would be
worthy if I had this then I'd be enough
it really doesn't
matter now the fourth
truth there's an unavoidable conclusion
that no thing or person outside of
yourself has the power to make you happy
or unhappy whether you're aware of it or
not it only you who can decide to be
happy so a huge part of learning how to
let go is
recognizing that nothing on the outside
is going to actually make you happy
anyways and even if it did it'd be for
like a day and then you would like
somehow want more or be some other
attachment to it what you're really
wanting to do is to open up your heart
is to be the love to allow it to flow
through to instead of focusing on
outcome focus on
being focus on letting the energy flow
through letting the Divine flow through
develop a stronger relationship with the
Divine and as you do that you'll find
yourself more magnetic less attached
because you trust the flow of your life
and that's funny is when you trust the
flow of your life you're not attached to
any specific person any specific
outcome so attachment is the root of all
suffering so Letting Go has to is really
a choice that you make when you realize
it's just a
story it doesn't you you start self-
inquiring about this you start
questioning the attachment that you have
to begin with and you realize that maybe
this deeper core piece of feeling seen
soothed heard and nurtured growing up is
something that you can begin to connect
to you can begin to allow yourself to
feel love now inside my free community
called high Vibe tribe I have a
meditation for reconnecting to this
mother energy it's in the section called
transformational workshops I'm going to
go and Link that below so join High VI
tribe if you want to experience it I
also have a whole entire $1,000 course
for free on that in high Vibe Tribe
Called High Vibe 101 where you can learn
stepbystep how to elevate your vibration
how to heal this core part so that you
can feel more love more joy more peace
in the present moment right now with
daily meditations and all this in it so
you can check that out in the high Vibe
tribe and then other than that if you
want to watch a video that goes deeper
on this whole still face experiment uh
I'll go ahead and Link this video right
here so empaths people that can feel
other people's energy this is both a
superpower
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