I Was Almost A School Shooter | Aaron Stark | TEDxBoulder

Summary

In this deeply emotional and raw story, a man recounts his troubled childhood filled with violence, bullying, and homelessness. Struggling with self-worth and grappling with dark thoughts, he nearly commits a school shooting. However, an unexpected act of kindness from his best friend stops him in his tracks. The speaker emphasizes the importance of showing love to those who seem undeserving, urging people to see beyond the pain and to offer compassion to those suffering in silence. The narrative ends on a hopeful note, highlighting the power of friendship and kindness in transforming lives.

Takeaways

• 😀 Growing up in an unstable environment with abusive, drug-addicted parents and moving from school to school led to a sense of isolation and instability.
• 😞 The constant bullying from peers, coupled with a lack of support at home, contributed to a deep sense of worthlessness and anger.
• 🎸 At a young age, the speaker turned to heavy metal music and aggressive behaviors as an outlet for his emotions and a form of self-identity.
• 🩸 At 14-15 years old, the speaker began self-harming as a way to regain control over emotions he had no control over.
• 🏚️ By 16, the speaker became homeless after being kicked out by his parents, further deepening his isolation and emotional turmoil.
• 📞 In a moment of desperation, the speaker reached out for help by calling social services, marking a turning point in his journey.
• 💔 Despite his attempt to find help, the speaker’s relationship with his mother was further damaged as she downplayed his pain and failed to support him.
• 🔫 The speaker contemplated committing a mass shooting as a way to express his rage and despair, targeting either his school or a mall food court.
• 🤝 The speaker’s best friend, despite being lied to and stolen from, showed kindness and treated him like a human, which played a crucial role in preventing the tragedy.
• 💡 The speaker emphasizes the importance of showing love and kindness to those who may seem unworthy, as it can make a profound difference in their lives.

Q & A

What was the speaker's experience with moving from school to school?

The speaker experienced constant upheaval due to moving frequently from place to place, attending 30 to 40 different schools. This created a sense of instability, as they were always the new kid and struggled with fitting in.

How did the speaker's family environment affect their mental health?

The speaker’s family was violent, aggressive, and involved in drug abuse. This toxic environment, along with the lack of stability from constantly moving, significantly impacted the speaker's mental health, leading to feelings of worthlessness and anger.

How did bullying contribute to the speaker's sense of isolation?

Bullying was a major source of the speaker’s pain. They were targeted for being different, such as liking comic books, and subjected to physical abuse. This bullying further deepened their sense of isolation, both at school and at home.

What role did self-harm play in the speaker's life?

Self-harm, particularly cutting, became a way for the speaker to regain some sense of control over the extreme emotions they were experiencing. It was a form of coping with the pain and anger they felt, and the scars serve as a lasting reminder of that period.

What event pushed the speaker to call social services for help?

At the age of 16, the speaker reached a breaking point while living in a shed, bleeding from self-inflicted wounds. This desperate moment led them to reach out to social services, in a last-ditch attempt to save themselves from a downward spiral.

How did the speaker's relationship with their mother impact their situation?

The speaker's relationship with their mother was deeply painful. She was one of the main sources of their suffering, having dismissed the speaker's pain as an attention-seeking act. Her lack of support and understanding contributed to the speaker's feelings of abandonment and hopelessness.

What was the speaker’s plan when they decided to obtain a gun?

The speaker planned to use a gun to carry out an attack, either at their school or a mall food court. This was driven by a desire to inflict as much damage as possible in a short amount of time, stemming from intense anger and feelings of worthlessness.

What was the turning point that stopped the speaker from committing the planned atrocity?

The turning point came when the speaker's best friend, despite all the speaker's previous betrayals, showed them simple acts of kindness. This helped the speaker feel like a human again, offering a glimmer of hope and preventing them from going through with the plan.

What message does the speaker convey about how to treat others who are struggling?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of showing love and kindness, especially to those who seem to deserve it the least. They argue that such acts of kindness can have a profound impact, as they may be the difference between life and death for someone in deep pain.

How has the speaker's life changed since their darkest moments?

Since those dark moments, the speaker's life has dramatically improved. They are now a happy family man, a father of four, and have reconciled with their best friend who saved their life. This transformation highlights the power of love, support, and friendship.