The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself | Dan Harris | TED

Summary

The speaker humorously recounts his experience with a 360 review, a comprehensive feedback process involving peers, superiors, and subordinates. Initially, he found the exercise embarrassing, revealing his shortcomings like rudeness and self-centeredness. However, this led him on a journey of self-improvement through various therapies and meditation, particularly 'loving-kindness' meditation. He emphasizes the importance of self-love as a foundation for loving others and suggests that by addressing our inner demons with kindness, we can break negative cycles and foster a more positive social fabric.

Takeaways

• 😌 The speaker underwent a 360 review, an anonymous feedback process involving bosses, peers, and subordinates, to assess personal strengths and weaknesses.
• 😅 He extended the review to include personal figures like his wife and meditation teachers, resulting in a detailed and candid report.
• 🤔 Initially a skeptic, the speaker's experience with panic attacks led him to embrace meditation as a method to manage anxiety and depression.
• 😃 Meditation helped him become a self-help guru, but the 360 review revealed areas for improvement, such as rudeness to junior staff and being emotionally guarded.
• 😓 The review was a humbling experience, showing that despite personal growth, he still had significant character flaws like anger and self-centeredness.
• 🌟 After the review, he committed to self-improvement through various therapies and trainings, but found that he still struggled with selfish tendencies.
• 🧘‍♂️ He attended a silent retreat focusing on 'loving-kindness' meditation to foster warmth and counteract negative personal traits.
• 🤝 The retreat leader encouraged self-compassion, suggesting that being less harsh on oneself could improve interactions with others.
• 💡 A pivotal realization was that inner demons are ancient, fear-based programs that can be calmed through self-acceptance rather than suppression.
• 🔄 The speaker introduced the concept of two spirals: the 'toilet vortex' of self-criticism and the 'cheesy upward spiral' of self-love leading to improved relationships.
• 💕 He advocates for self-love not as narcissism but as a form of self-support that enhances one's ability to love others.
• 🌱 Love is presented as a skill set that can be developed, with practices like loving-kindness meditation and countering the inner critic being beneficial.
• 🌟 A follow-up 360 review after three years showed significant personal growth, with others noting a change in his demeanor and interactions.
• 😄 The speaker concludes that embracing self-love and compassion can lead to a more fulfilling and generous life.

Q & A

What is a 360 review and why is it considered 'diabolical' by the speaker?

A 360 review is an anonymous survey that includes feedback from an employee's bosses, peers, and direct reports to provide a comprehensive view of their strengths and weaknesses. The speaker refers to it as 'diabolical' because it can be a stressful and humbling experience, as it exposes one's flaws and weaknesses to others.

What was the speaker's unique approach to the 360 review?

The speaker opted for a more personal and intimate version of the 360 review, which included feedback from his wife, brother, and two meditation teachers, resulting in a 39-page report with candid quotes.

How did the speaker's experience as an anchorman at ABC News contribute to his journey with meditation?

The speaker's stressful job as an anchorman led to a panic attack on live television in 2004. This incident ultimately led him to embrace meditation, which he had previously dismissed, as a way to manage his anxiety and depression.

What was the speaker's goal when he decided to make meditation more attractive to skeptics?

The speaker aimed to make meditation appealing to fellow skeptics by discarding the New Age cliches and using unconventional language, including the f-word, to make the practice more relatable and approachable.

What were some of the positive and negative feedback the speaker received from his 360 review?

Positively, the speaker was praised for being hardworking, intelligent, and more caring due to his meditation practice. Negatively, he was criticized for being rude to junior staffers, emotionally guarded, a diva, an authoritarian, and there were doubts about his motives for promoting meditation.

How did the 360 review impact the speaker's personal growth and self-awareness?

The 360 review was a wake-up call for the speaker, revealing aspects of his personality that he was ashamed of and had tried to hide. It made him realize the need to work on his anger and self-centeredness, leading him to explore various personal development practices.

What is 'loving-kindness' meditation and why did the speaker choose to practice it?

Loving-kindness meditation is a practice aimed at boosting one's capacity for warmth towards others. The speaker chose to practice it in an attempt to become a nicer person and to counteract his tendencies towards anger and self-centeredness.

What was the speaker's realization during the silent retreat about his inner demons?

The speaker realized that his inner demons were ancient, fear-based neurotic programs that were trying to protect him. By extending warmth and acceptance towards these aspects of himself, rather than fighting them, they became less powerful.

What are the two spirals the speaker describes, and which one does he advocate for?

The speaker describes the 'toilet vortex' as a downward spiral of self-criticism and negativity, and the 'cheesy upward spiral' as a positive cycle of self-love and improved relationships. He advocates for the upward spiral as it leads to personal growth and better relationships.

What are the two practices the speaker recommends to improve one's 'love game'?

The speaker recommends practicing loving-kindness meditation and consciously counterprogramming against one's inner critic by speaking to oneself as one would to a good friend.

How did the speaker's second 360 review differ from the first one, and what did it indicate about his personal growth?

The second 360 review was significantly more positive, with people noting the speaker's transformation as a friend, mentor, and colleague. It indicated that his efforts to improve himself had been successful, and he had become a more pleasant and empathetic person.