My Sexual Abuse Survivor Story

Summary

The speaker recounts a childhood trauma of sexual abuse by a trusted teenage boy, detailing the lasting impact on their trust and relationships. They describe the gradual realization and naming of their abuse, and the ongoing journey towards healing, which includes support from a loving husband, community, and therapy. The narrative emphasizes the struggle with fear and vulnerability, and the hope for complete healing in heaven, where they find solace and strength in their faith.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker describes the lasting impact of childhood sexual abuse, emphasizing the difficulty of recalling specific details due to the trauma and the passage of time.
• 👤 The abuse was perpetrated by a teenage boy who was familiar and trusted, highlighting the insidious nature of abuse often occurring within trusted relationships.
• 🔒 The experience led to a deep-seated secret, with the speaker feeling responsible and fearful of implicating themselves if they revealed what had happened.
• 📺 The realization of the abuse was triggered by watching an episode of Oprah, where a woman shared a similar story, allowing the speaker to name and understand their own experience.
• 😔 The speaker grapples with the emotional aftermath of the abuse, including fear, shame, and a lack of trust, which deeply affected their ability to form intimate relationships.
• 🤔 The trauma caused by the abuse led to hyper-vigilance and a constant need for reassurance and information to feel safe, impacting the speaker's ability to trust and love freely.
• 👫 The speaker's journey towards healing is gradual and involves the support of a loving husband, community, and therapy, but they express a desire for a more complete healing.
• 💔 The speaker acknowledges the ongoing struggle with trauma, even with theological understanding and spiritual growth, as the body's memory of the abuse is still present.
• 🕊️ The hope for complete healing is placed in the concept of heaven, where the speaker believes they will experience a full restoration of body, mind, and spirit.
• 🌟 The speaker finds solace in the promise of a new heaven and a new earth, where all pain and trauma will be healed and there will be no more fear or shame.
• 🙏 The narrative concludes with a message of hope in Jesus' healing power, both in the present and the promise of a future where all things will be made new.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the transcript?

The main theme of the transcript is the narrator's personal experience of childhood sexual abuse, the struggle to come to terms with it, and the journey towards healing.

Why does the narrator struggle to remember specific details of the abuse incident?

The narrator struggles to remember specific details due to the natural fading of memories over time, the trauma's emotional impact, and the mind's defense mechanism to protect itself from painful experiences.

What role does familiarity play in the context of the abuse described by the narrator?

Familiarity plays a significant role as it created a false sense of security and trust, which the abuser exploited to commit the act. It also highlights the misconception that familiarity with someone automatically makes them trustworthy.

How did the narrator come to understand the term 'sexual abuse' in relation to their experience?

The narrator came to understand the term 'sexual abuse' after watching an episode of Oprah where a woman shared her story of molestation, which resonated with the narrator's own experience.

What impact does the trauma have on the narrator's ability to trust and be vulnerable in relationships?

The trauma has made the narrator hyper-vigilant, constantly questioning and seeking reassurance in relationships. It has affected their ability to be vulnerable and trust others, especially in intimate situations.

How does the narrator describe the process of healing from the trauma?

The narrator describes the healing process as gradual and unassuming, often beginning with the recognition of the trauma's existence. It involves hard work, revelation, and the support of a loving husband, community, and therapist.

What role does the narrator's husband play in her healing process?

The narrator's husband plays a crucial role in her healing process by providing patient love, understanding, and support, which helps her confront and deal with the pain from her past.

What is the narrator's perspective on the concept of heaven in relation to healing?

The narrator views heaven as the ultimate place of healing where they will be made whole, free from fear and shame, and able to experience true intimacy and trust without the burden of past trauma.

How does the narrator's faith influence their understanding of the healing process?

The narrator's faith provides hope and a framework for understanding their healing journey. They believe in a God who is gradually healing them and will ultimately restore them completely in heaven.

What message does the narrator convey about the permanence of healing in heaven?

The narrator conveys that in heaven, healing will be eternal and complete, not just a matter of faith but a tangible reality where they will no longer be affected by past traumas or fears.

How does the narrator cope with the ongoing struggle and pain related to their trauma?

The narrator copes by holding onto their faith, seeking support from their husband and community, and focusing on the hope of ultimate healing in heaven, which gives them the strength to endure and find meaning in their current struggles.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Childhood Trauma and the Struggle for Healing

The first paragraph recounts a deeply personal and traumatic experience of childhood sexual abuse. The narrator describes the betrayal of trust by a teenage boy who abused them in a basement, a memory that was initially vague but later identified as sexual abuse after watching an episode of Oprah. The narrator grapples with the lasting effects of this trauma, including fear, shame, and a pervasive sense of vulnerability. The realization of their victimhood came with the understanding of the consequences of abuse and the beginning of a long journey towards healing, which they acknowledge as a gradual process facilitated by various supports in their life.

05:04

😞 The Impact of Trauma on Relationships and Trust

In the second paragraph, the narrator delves into the impact of their childhood trauma on their adult relationships, particularly with romantic partners. They discuss the difficulty of allowing vulnerability and the fear of intimacy that stems from past abuse. The narrator's struggle with trust issues is evident as they navigate the complexities of a new relationship, constantly questioning and seeking reassurance to mitigate the risk of re-traumatization. The trauma's pervasive influence on their life is highlighted, with the narrator expressing frustration at the ongoing battle with fear and the longing for a complete healing that transcends the limitations of the earthly realm.

10:05

🙏 Hope for Ultimate Healing in Heaven

The final paragraph focuses on the narrator's hope for ultimate healing in heaven, where they believe they will experience a complete and tangible restoration. The narrator finds solace in the Christian belief in the resurrection and the promise of a new heaven and a new earth, free from the pain and trauma of this life. They express a profound trust in Jesus' redemptive work on the cross and the hope that it brings for healing from the effects of both personal sin and the sins of others. The paragraph concludes with an affirmation of the ongoing process of healing in the present while maintaining a hopeful outlook towards the eternal reality of complete restoration in heaven.

Keywords

💡Indescribable

The term 'indescribable' refers to something that is beyond words or too complex to be fully expressed in language. In the video, it is used to convey the difficulty of articulating the profound and deeply personal experience of the speaker's past trauma. It sets the tone for the narrative, indicating that the speaker's memories are not only fragmented but also emotionally overwhelming.

💡Familiarity

Familiarity, in this context, denotes a closeness or a sense of being well-acquainted with someone, often leading to a feeling of trust. The video discusses how familiarity can be deceptive, as it does not guarantee safety or protection from harm. The speaker reflects on the misplaced trust in someone they were familiar with, which led to a traumatic event.

💡Trauma

Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that has lasting emotional effects. The video's theme revolves around the trauma of childhood sexual abuse and its long-term impact on the speaker's life. The term is used to describe the emotional and psychological scars that have resulted from the abuse and continue to affect the speaker's ability to trust and love.

💡Molestation

Molestation refers to the act of sexually abusing or harassing someone, typically a child. The script reveals that the speaker was a victim of molestation, which was a pivotal and devastating moment in their life. The term is crucial to understanding the gravity of the speaker's experience and the subsequent emotional struggles they face.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to attack or damage, often emotionally or physically. In the video, the speaker discusses their struggle with vulnerability, stemming from the trauma of molestation. They express fear of intimacy and trust due to the violation of their vulnerability in the past.

💡Healing

Healing, in the context of the video, is the process of recovering from physical or emotional harm. The speaker explores the concept of healing as a gradual and often painful journey, rather than an immediate event. They discuss how acknowledging the trauma and working through it with the help of a supportive community is part of the healing process.

💡Trust

Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, or surety of someone or something. The video script highlights the betrayal of trust by someone the speaker was familiar with. This betrayal has left a lasting impact on the speaker's ability to trust others, especially in intimate relationships.

💡Intimacy

Intimacy refers to close, personal, and often emotional connections between individuals. The speaker in the video grapples with the idea of intimacy due to their past trauma, which has made them fearful of close relationships. The term is used to illustrate the ongoing struggle to overcome the fear and discomfort associated with being vulnerable in a relationship.

💡Fear

Fear is an emotional response to perceived or real threats. In the script, fear is a recurring theme, particularly in relation to the speaker's past trauma and its impact on their current life. Fear manifests as a reluctance to follow others, a hesitance to be vulnerable, and an ongoing struggle with trust.

💡Resurrection

Resurrection, in a religious context, is the act of rising from the dead, often associated with the Christian belief in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The speaker uses the concept of resurrection to express their hope for a complete and eternal healing in heaven, where they believe they will be free from the effects of their trauma and will experience a new, glorified state of being.

💡Hope

Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. The video script emphasizes the speaker's hope for healing in heaven, which serves as a source of comfort and motivation in their current struggles. Hope is portrayed as a driving force that helps the speaker endure the pain and challenges of their present life.

Highlights

The speaker struggles to remember details from a traumatic childhood experience involving sexual abuse by a trusted teenage boy.

Familiarity with someone does not prevent them from being capable of abuse, and can even enable it.

The speaker felt responsible for the abuse, not recognizing the perpetrator's evil actions as solely his fault.

The abuse became a secret, with the speaker feeling implicated and ashamed for something they did not cause.

The speaker first recognized their experience as sexual abuse at age 14, after hearing a similar story on an Oprah episode.

Naming the abuse allowed the speaker to understand its impact, including fear, shame, and a loss of control.

Healing from trauma is a gradual process that often begins with acknowledging its existence.

The speaker's relationship with her now-husband brought some of the buried pain to the surface.

Trauma can make a person hyper-vigilant, constantly questioning and seeking reassurance for safety.

The speaker struggles with vulnerability and intimacy due to past trauma.

The speaker's faith provides hope for healing, but she acknowledges the ongoing struggle with trauma's effects.

Heaven represents the ultimate hope for complete healing, beyond the limitations of earthly life.

The speaker dreams of a heavenly existence where she is free from fear and shame.

In heaven, the speaker anticipates being fully known and accepted without the need for pretense.

The speaker finds comfort in the promise of resurrection and new creation, where past trauma will have no power.

The speaker's hope in heaven helps her endure current struggles and maintain a positive outlook.

The speaker emphasizes that discussing heaven does not mean ignoring present trauma but finding solace in the promise of ultimate healing.

The speaker's faith in Jesus' healing power provides a dual reality of already experiencing healing and looking forward to complete restoration.

Transcripts

[Applause]

it's hard to describe the indescribable

especially considering age and how it

makes memories dim and inaccurate at

times I don't remember plot points I

don't know what color shirt I had on I

don't know if it was blue or orange or

black like the room it all happened and

I don't remember how he got me to follow

him into the into the basement if he

bartered me with the promises of toys or

candy if he led me by the hand or if I

ran after him like any child under 7

does when around the teenage boy that

they trust but there I was completely

unaware with no context for how

familiarity with someone by no means

excludes them from harming the ones that

they know if anything it's always proved

to be the currency of abuse to know him

already was to leave my heart unguarded

so imagine my surprise when I was told

to do something that I've never done are

known or seen or heard this act my

inability to breathe during it the dark

basements the adults upstairs never

coming to see what a 16 year old boy

might be doing with the first grader my

mother at work believing her baby to be

safe trusting that the people she left

me in the care of would protect me as

only she would but there again is the

contradiction of familiarity you expect

it and the people it describes such as

family or friends to mean that they are

trustworthy you hope their nearness

makes them that or at least you hope to

have enough wisdom to be able to discern

if there is a serpent of their sleeves

but he's crafty enough to hide from even

the most protective eyes when the

teenage boy the ones whose name I will

forever remember and never speak was

finished I was able to breathe again and

he never told me not to tell or maybe he

did and I just don't remember but what I

do know is that it became a secret

because to tell someone I thought was to

implicate myself in an act of doing

something that ought not

be done being a child I didn't have the

capacity to even consider that his evil

was not also my own I'm the one that

followed him into the basement I'm the

one that whispered into between the

shadows I am the one that silenced my

laugh to replace it with silence I am

the one who let him take my breath in my

body from me I didn't speak of that day

until I learned of its name I was 14 and

watching an episode of Oprah because

Oprah is America's therapist there was a

woman speaking with wet eyes and a

cracked voice and she was telling Oprah

about the molestation that occurred in

her home she described the scenario in

which her innocence was overcome and as

I listened to her story I thought of the

basements darkness and what happened

inside of it what I heard from her and

what I remembered sounded the same

except I've never given it a name like

she did to me it was just something that

happened but according to this woman I

was a victim of sexual abuse to call it

by name allowed me to connect dots the

consequences of abuse like fear and

shame and control dominated my days but

it had a source that I could not

acknowledge until it was reintroduced to

me it was not merely that a teenage boy

did something to me when I was little

that's far too abstract which mutes the

heartbreaking reality of what actually

happened it was that I was molested and

violated by an image-bearer who did not

see me as one what happened was

perversion demonic a tragedy the product

of a corrupted bloodline a cursed

humanity a dying boy spreading death

because he thought to steal from me

would give him life to call it by name

no matter how painful was to make sense

of it all to put flesh on floating bones

and watch it walk if I wanted to be

healed

I needed to be specific about what had

been broken I always thought that

healing was an immediate act of God

depended upon the measure of my faith

like a woman whose bleeding stopped the

moment that she touched God's clothes

though I had know him to hold I had all

of the time to

to ask God to deliver me from what that

almost man did to me but what I've come

to learn of God is that his healing is

gradual and unassuming and it usually

begins with the hard work and sometimes

unintentional revelation that the trauma

actually exists everything related to my

molestation that needed to be healed had

to be recognized first it wasn't until

my now husband began his pursuit of my

heart that much of the unearthed pain

surfaced he liked me and I liked him we

followed each other on Twitter and liked

each other's post but when we voiced our

attraction for each other and he

followed through I shut down I became

hard unfeeling and for the life of me I

did not understand why I wanted to love

him freely I wanted to let him hold me I

wanted to be vulnerable but I couldn't

he wanted to lead me well but

complementarianism as it looks when

lived was terrifying when I remembered

what happened the last time I let a boy

lead me I learned my lesson on letting a

man use my trust as food for his demons

and it made me hyper vigilant always

needing answers to motivate me to action

always questioning things so I had

enough information to guarantee safety

how could I know that this new boy

wouldn't be and do the same that he

actually wanted me and not just my body

what proof did I have that I'd be able

to breathe when he was in the room and

that I wouldn't have to hold my breath

until he finished trauma makes you

inquisitive you know it makes you doubt

everything and everybody it makes you

squint your eye at the familiar rummage

through your memories and project what

you've gathered onto anybody that might

mimic it it makes you afraid to be

yourself to be honest to have faith and

anything other than God and your own

feeble attempts at self-preservation it

makes you jealous when you see people

other people who only held their breath

under water and not in basements so they

have no fear of swimming in the dark

when you see a woman be held by their

lover and they love it they don't resist

his affection for fear of what it might

or do they delight in his love and they

tell him why they don't see

vulnerability as a threat but a gift the

sexually traumatized can only imagine a

world where they don't have a ghost in

their bedroom at all times I cannot tell

you how frustrated I still am because it

does not matter how much theology I have

attained now I am still affected but why

happened to me then even though my mind

does not remember all of the details my

body does I am all of 30 and I still

feel like a seven year old on most days

I am still so fearful of following

anybody anywhere I have made a living

out of showing people how to breathe but

here I am still holding my breath still

wondering if when I surface there will

be someone to say Jackie you will be

okay at this point heaven is my ultimate

hope of healing it isn't that God is not

healing me now because he is he's using

my husband's patient love my community's

constant ear and my therapist insight to

mend me but I am not satisfied with that

and I don't believe that I have to be

this incomplete healing is what propels

my hope for a more sufficient one a

healing that is not limited by space and

time a healing that isn't undone by what

triggers me here there in heaven is when

I will be made whole and not merely by

faith but tangibly I will see it I will

feel it I will know it I won't need a

sermon or a podcast or a conference to

convince me it will be an eternal

reality because there what is mortal

will be swallowed up by life this body

with all of its fear and shame will be

done and new I will know how long I have

to force myself to think on whatever is

good and pure I will do it on its own

accord whatever memories I will have

they won't have any control over me

they will remind me of Jesus and how he

suffered too how men made in His image

did not recognize him as God they abused

his body before killing it but they

could not control the body nor the God

that they abused his resurrection was

although the proof that I need that he

will make

things new and not just this world and

the heavens and the church but me my

mind and my heart and my body will

resurrect into something glorious in

heaven I won't have to hide behind the

delusion of strength to protect myself

from pain I will still be weak as all

humans are but I will be stronger than I

have ever been in heaven I won't have to

be afraid of intimacy the one flesh

union between spouses and the closeness

experienced between Christians of all

kind is but a metaphor of what is to

come

Here I am constantly finding leaves to

cover my nakedness but there we will be

completely exposed and yet unashamed of

what our neighbors will see they will

see us for what we are and what we've

always wanted to be which is free in

heaven there will be a man that has

never taken advantage of me a man that

has always used his power to serve a man

who unrolled to cover my shame I have

followed him out of darkness and into

light and with him

I can breathe at all times there he is

seated at the right hand of his father

and mind fully victorious not only over

my sin but also over what the sins of

other people have done to me neither

their sin or mine was missed during the

crucifixion Jesus sees and settles the

dust that the devil kicks up around us

the serpent though crafty is still a

created thing who will bow before the

king one day the devil and the death

that he brings will die and this is our

hope that all will be made right one day

even when it doesn't feel like it there

will be a new heaven and a new earth

when new people living on it people that

we can know well and trust thoroughly

and don't think don't think that when I

speak about heaven I am disregarding the

trauma of today I speak about heaven

because it reminds me that today and all

of its troubles are not eternal so I can

be honest about my struggle without

being cynical and I can look forward to

what is to come without being negligent

Jesus is healing me and Jesus will heal

me it is a already and

yet reality that has made my days much

brighter yes it hurts still well what

has happened to me

or us won't hurt forever drama will not

have the final say Jesus will

you