Why being yourself is ruining your life

Summary

The video challenges the popular adage 'just be yourself,' suggesting it's an oversimplified and potentially defeatist approach to life. It argues that while we often adapt our behaviors to fit different social contexts, we should strive to grow beyond our current selves rather than settling. The speaker encourages viewers to harness motivation for self-improvement, questioning if our inherent tendencies truly serve us or are merely learned responses. The video promotes the idea of becoming the best version of ourselves to positively impact our own lives and those around us.

Takeaways

• 😀 'Just be yourself' is a popular yet often misunderstood statement.
• 🤔 People appreciate the sentiment because it feels empathetic and reassuring.
• 🎭 We adapt our behavior to different situations, contradicting the idea of always being ourselves.
• 🔍 The concept of 'just be yourself' lacks practical meaning and is not always applicable.
• 💡 Many popular sayings like 'follow your dreams' and 'find your passion' can lead to confusion and pressure.
• 🚀 Striving to be the best version of oneself can be more beneficial than simply 'being yourself'.
• ⚖️ Balancing self-compassion with a drive for self-improvement is crucial.
• 🧠 Motivation, driven by dopamine, is essential for achieving goals and personal growth.
• 🔄 Continuous self-improvement and reflection on behavior can lead to a more fulfilling life.
• ❤️ True self-love involves striving to become the best version of oneself, not settling for complacency.

Q & A

Why do people celebrate the idea of 'just be yourself'?

People celebrate 'just be yourself' because it feels empathetic and understanding, providing a sense of comfort and acceptance.

Why is the advice 'just be yourself' considered difficult to follow?

It's difficult to follow because everyone adapts their behavior based on different situations, like being professional at work or relaxed at home.

What is the main critique of the 'just be yourself' advice in the video?

The critique is that 'just be yourself' encourages complacency and discourages growth and self-improvement.

What role does dopamine play in our motivation, according to the script?

Dopamine is crucial for motivation, driving us to attain things we don't have, and is essential for our survival and daily functioning.

How does the speaker suggest balancing self-acceptance and self-improvement?

The speaker suggests striving for greatness while having honesty and compassion for our current state, acknowledging our dignity and potential for growth.

What is the potential downside of following dreams or passions without guidance?

Following dreams or passions without guidance can lead to pressure, analysis paralysis, and confusion about which passion to pursue.

How does the speaker describe the concept of self-satisfaction?

Self-satisfaction can't exist in a vacuum and is tied to our growth, ideals, and the journey towards becoming the best version of ourselves.

What does the speaker suggest we do with our motivation system?

The speaker suggests locking our motivation into becoming the best version of ourselves, making us more capable and able to help others.

Why does the speaker believe 'just be yourself' is a defeatist statement?

It's seen as defeatist because it implies stopping growth and settling for who we currently are without striving for improvement.

What is the overall message of the video regarding personal development?

The overall message is to love ourselves enough to strive for continual growth and improvement, rather than settling for our current state.

Outlines

00:00

😀 The Myth of 'Just Be Yourself'

The phrase 'just be yourself' is often celebrated as comforting and empathetic advice, suggesting that one can be true to themselves and everything will be fine. However, this notion is misleading because people naturally adapt their behavior to different situations, acting differently around friends, family, and in professional settings. The advice to just be oneself is largely unhelpful and impractical, as it implies a static identity and discourages growth. The video challenges this notion, suggesting that striving for self-improvement and adapting to various contexts is more realistic and beneficial.

05:02

🧠 The Role of Motivation and Self-Improvement

Motivation, driven by dopamine, is essential for pursuing goals and attaining things we don't have. The video argues that instead of settling for being ourselves, we should strive to be the best version of ourselves. This involves recognizing and improving behaviors and thought patterns that don't serve us well. By focusing on personal growth and helping others, we can lead more fulfilling lives. The discussion emphasizes that self-compassion should not be confused with complacency, and we should aim to improve aspects of our personality shaped by past experiences and traumas.

10:03

💪 Self-Improvement and Personal Growth

Personal growth involves acknowledging and improving negative behaviors and thought patterns. The video illustrates this with an example of a toxic friend who seeks to change. Just as we would support a friend in becoming their best self, we should treat ourselves with the same dignity and strive for improvement. The video stresses the importance of having ideals and goals, as striving for a better future can bring satisfaction in the present. It concludes that self-satisfaction requires continuous growth and that loving oneself involves becoming something more.

Keywords

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the quality of being genuine, original, and true to oneself. In the video, the speaker challenges the notion of 'just be yourself' by suggesting that this advice is often unattainable and can be misleading. Authenticity is tied to the video's theme as it questions the idea that one's true self is fixed and unchangeable, and instead promotes the idea of evolving and improving.

💡Chameleon

A chameleon is a lizard known for its ability to change color to blend in with its surroundings. Metaphorically, in the script, it represents people's tendency to adapt their behavior to different social situations, which contradicts the idea of always being oneself. The use of 'chameleon' illustrates the argument that our identities are not static and that we naturally adjust our conduct based on context.

💡Professionalism

Professionalism is the quality of conducting oneself in a professional manner, typically in a work environment. The script mentions professionalism in the context of job interviews, where one might act differently than in casual settings. This keyword is relevant to the video's theme as it shows how external expectations can influence our behavior and identity.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth refers to the process of improving and developing as a person, both mentally and emotionally. The video script emphasizes the importance of striving for personal growth rather than simply accepting oneself as is. It suggests that the pursuit of becoming the best version of oneself can lead to greater satisfaction and fulfillment.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure. In the video, the speaker explains the role of dopamine in driving us to pursue goals and achieve things we do not yet have. It is used to argue that motivation is a fundamental part of human nature and can be harnessed for personal development.

💡Complacency

Complacency is a state of being satisfied with the status quo, often to the point of neglecting necessary change or improvement. The script warns against confusing self-compassion with complacency, suggesting that true care involves supporting someone (or oneself) to become better, not just accepting them as they are.

💡Ideals

Ideals are principles or standards of perfection about what is good or bad, right or wrong. The video discusses the importance of having ideals and striving towards them as a way to find satisfaction and meaning in life. Ideals are presented as a driving force for personal improvement and societal contribution.

💡Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure, as opposed to being harshly self-critical. The script differentiates self-compassion from complacency, advocating for a balance between accepting oneself as one is while also encouraging growth and change.

💡Behavior Modification

Behavior modification is the process of changing one's behavior, often through learning and conditioning. The video suggests that behaviors thought to be inherent parts of one's personality can actually be modified to better serve oneself and others, challenging the notion that we are stuck with certain traits.

💡Passion

Passion refers to a strong and barely controllable emotion, typically one that deeply affects one's whole being and is strong enough to influence one's behavior. The script critiques the common advice to 'follow your passion,' suggesting that many people are unsure of their passions and that this advice can lead to indecision and stress.

💡Dignity

Dignity is the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect. The video uses the term to argue for treating oneself with the respect and care that one deserves, implying that this involves striving for self-improvement and not settling for less than one's best.

Highlights

The phrase 'Just be yourself' is often celebrated but is fundamentally unfollowable due to the inherent adaptability of human behavior in different social contexts.

People act differently in various situations, such as when having a beer with friends versus being at a job interview, which challenges the concept of being one's true self.

The idea of 'Just be yourself' is questioned as potentially being a defeatist statement that may discourage personal growth and development.

The concept that we should strive to be more than just ourselves is introduced, suggesting that there is potential for improvement beyond our current state.

The influence of media and companies like Walt Disney in promoting the idea of 'being yourself' and 'following your dreams' is critiqued for its lack of practical application.

The pressure to find one's passion and the fear of analysis paralysis when faced with multiple interests is discussed.

The argument is made that we often agree with motivational phrases not for their instructional value, but because they are comforting and easy to accept.

The importance of distinguishing between self-compassion and complacency is highlighted, with the suggestion that we should aim to improve rather than simply accept our flaws.

The role of dopamine in motivation and its necessity for survival is explained, emphasizing the human drive to pursue goals.

The idea that motivation should be directed towards becoming the best version of ourselves for personal and societal benefit is proposed.

The potential for personal growth to lead to greater satisfaction in the present moment, despite the pursuit of future goals, is discussed.

The concept of self-satisfaction being tied to our ideals and the pursuit of the 'true, good, and beautiful' is introduced.

The video concludes with the suggestion that the answer to life may not be to simply 'be yourself', but to love oneself enough to strive for improvement.

A sponsorship message for Athletic Greens and its benefits is included, highlighting the importance of nutrition for overall well-being.

A call to action for viewers to like, subscribe, and share the video to support the channel and help it reach a wider audience.

Transcripts

- Just be yourself has become sort of a statement

that people venerate these days.

People celebrate just be yourself,

probably because it kinda feels like a warm hug.

Just be yourself and everything's gonna be okay.

It feels kind of empathetic, understanding.

It's like, yeah, you're right.

I can just be myself.

That sounds fantastic.

I don't have to be anything that I'm not.

Just be yourself feels like it really cares about you,

despite the fact that nobody really follows that advice

because you can't really follow it.

Everybody is a chameleon of sorts.

When you're around the boys having a beer,

you're gonna act way differently

than you do when you're around your mom.

When you're at a job interview,

you're going to be all proper and professional

and maybe a little bit personable,

way more charming than you would

if you're just relaxing on the couch

devolving into degeneracy,

trying to watch something on Netflix.

We do this because we kind of have to.

Different situations that we're in

recruit different parts of us, different emphases.

Sometimes we have to be professional,

other times we have to be very charming and funny

like I'm doing right now.

I'm not like this in real life,

but I've gotta film a Better Ideas video

so I sound super smart and personable and relatable.

The point I'm trying to make

is that are we ever really ourselves?

What does it mean to be ourselves?

And is it something that we should strive to be?

Because just be yourself

has become something

that we've been conditioned to believe is true

based on repetition.

Maybe the Walt Disney company

got us all believing that we should just be ourselves,

make our dreams come true,

follow our heart,

find our passion.

All of these bubblegum,

cotton candy, birthday card sentiments

that all sound very comforting

but don't really mean anything

and are impossible to just apply to your life.

We hear these things so often,

they've become utterly meaningless.

Nobody's life was ever changed

by somebody saying to them, "Hey,

"just follow your dreams."

What does that mean?

I've had some pretty (beep) up dreams in my day.

And if we were to follow those dreams,

we would all be screwed.

God help us all.

And follow your passion,

most people that you talk to

have no idea what their passion is.

They have things they're interested in,

probably a bunch of things they're interested in,

but there's a lot of pressure in like, oh,

find your passion and everything's gonna work out.

There's a lot of pressure in that

because people get analysis paralysis.

They have no idea which passion to pick.

What's gonna be the one thing

that makes everything make sense?

And again, I think that we tend to agree

with these taglines,

not because they're particularly instructional,

but because they sound like they mean well.

They're very easy to swallow.

It's never challenging or uncomfortable

to believe that the answer to all of our problems

is to just be more of ourselves,

whatever that means.

But I think that just being yourself

is inherently a defeatist statement

because just implies that yourself is something to just be.

It's a reality to regress back to.

It tells you to stop reaching and stop pursuing

and just be you because you're just you.

It's an inherently pessimistic statement

veiled in self-congratulation.

A statement that doesn't want the best for you,

a statement that doesn't care about your ideals,

your conception of a brighter future.

It's a statement that encourages you to stop growing.

But riddle me this,

why just be yourself when you can be so much more?

Now you might think to yourself, well,

I can only just be myself, right?

If I'm always striving to be more than myself

then I will never feel okay with myself.

I'll never feel comforted.

I'll never feel okay with who I am,

and instead I will hold this future version of myself

in front of me like a carrot to a mule,

hamster wheeling myself,

I guess mule wheeling yourself right into your grave.

You'll never be able to stop and smell the roses.

You'll always be looking for the next thing.

Goals and goals and goals.

And you'll be searching for a peace

that you could find in the present moment.

And while I understand this argument,

I also think it's very shortsighted.

It doesn't take into account

the bigger picture of the human brain,

and that is that, yes,

we do need to feel satisfied and happy with what we have.

That's what serotonin and oxytocin and endorphins are for.

They're all for feeling good in the present moment.

It's a very important system of our psychology,

but potentially way more influential

and important for our survival

is our dopamine system.

And dopamine is all about motivation.

If somebody were to delete all the dopamine

in your brain right now

so you couldn't feel a lick of dopamine,

you would lay down in whatever chair you're sitting on

because you'd probably not have the motivation to sit down

and you would never lift a finger to do anything.

You would pee your pants

because you wouldn't be motivated to go to the bathroom.

You wouldn't get up to eat anything.

You would literally lay there and die.

We need motivation

to go get things that we don't already have.

It's the only reason why you're alive right now.

So in a way, motivation is the desire

to attain something that we don't already have.

It's something that requires us to move in space and time

to go get,

and that will never go away, right?

We will always be motivated to do something.

The question is, what are we locking our motivation into?

Is it Netflix?

Is it social media?

Is it buying frivolous things?

No judgment,

I'm just saying that it's locked into something.

So since we have this profound desire

to achieve things that we haven't already achieved

or to get things that we don't already have,

what better thing is there

to lock our motivation system into

than being the best version of ourselves

so that that we can be more capable people,

capable of helping ourselves

get through the hardships of life

so that we can help others

get through the hardships in their lives,

essentially making the world a better place

through being the best we can be.

So I think that two things can be true at the same time.

We can both strive for greatness

and be the best that we can be,

not settling for just being ourselves.

But at the same time,

having honesty and compassion for wherever we are now.

But a lot of the time,

we have very weird tendencies and behaviors

that we think are just a part of who we are,

but in fact they are behaviors

that we learned through trauma

or the role that we played

in our friends group or our family

that lead us to do things that don't actually serve us,

they don't serve others.

And all in all, they're just a negative.

Even though it's like, oh, that's just me, ha-ha,

you'd be surprised

how many aspects of your personality are improvable.

You might think

that it's just a little quirk or insanity that you have,

but consider the fact that you can improve it.

You can modify your behavior and your thought patterns

to better serve you.

And things that you previously thought

were just part of your personality or you being you

are things that are just a result

of the way you are brought up

and things that don't actually help you in the long run.

Don't get self-compassion confused with complacency.

For instance, if you had a close friend

and he kind of went off the deep end,

previously you were really good friends,

you got along,

and then he started to become kind of toxic.

He started pushing you and others away

through his behaviors,

through his words.

And you're kinda like, what gives?

This guy has changed

and I don't know if I wanna be around him anymore,

but I do really care about him.

But for now, I have to distance myself.

If this person were to come up to you sincerely and say,

"Hey, look, I realize my behavior was out of line.

"I didn't really realize it at the time,

"but it's become clear to me that I need to change.

"My words and my actions are hurting me or hurting others

"and I'm ready to change."

Would you say, "No, it's okay.

"Just be yourself.

"You do you."

You would probably say, "I agree.

"Your behavior was out of line.

"I'm so glad that you can see that.

"And since I care about you,

"I really want to help you be the best version of yourself

"so that you can serve yourself better

"and get along with everybody," right?

I want you to be the best you can be.

And it's funny because loving that person

isn't just permitting them to do their thing

and be who they are and whatever,

that's complacency.

Since you care about that person,

you want to help them be the best version of themselves.

I truly believe that we need to treat ourselves like this.

We need to treat ourselves like we have inherent dignity,

like we are on our own side

and we want the best for ourselves.

And a lot of the time,

we don't treat ourselves with the dignity that we deserve.

Our behaviors and our actions

or maybe habits or ways of thinking

or thought patterns that we have,

that we've had since the dawn of time,

as long as we can remember,

are proving with time to not serve us,

to be destructive.

Maybe we learned these tendencies through childhood

and they're just a part of who we are,

but they're leading us to the brink of doom.

We gain no traction in our lives.

Nothing's working, should we just be ourselves then?

So ask yourself,

are you living a life that reflects your inherent dignity?

Are your thoughts, behaviors and habits serving you?

Who do you ideally want to be?

And what can you do to help you become somebody of strength?

And the bizarre thing is

when we start caring more about our future,

when we have ideals,

when we have something to strive towards,

we actually start to become more satisfied

with the present moment.

And especially when you've been on that path

for a little while,

you can look to your past

and you have a track record of growth.

You can be comforted that you've come a long way,

and you can be excited and motivated

by the person that you're becoming.

Self-satisfaction can't exist in a vacuum.

It's impossible to shake our concept

of the true, the good and the beautiful.

So maybe the answer to life isn't to just be yourself.

Maybe the answer is to love yourself enough

to become something more.

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