How to Make Them CHASE YOU Without “Playing It Cool”

Summary

The video script addresses the dilemma of showing genuine interest in early dating without coming on too strong. It discusses societal conditioning and the fear of appearing desperate, especially for women. The speaker offers five points of advice, including giving small signs of interest, understanding attraction as evolving, maintaining independence, not fearing to lose interest, and using personal standards to retain power in relationships. The script encourages viewers to be authentic and vulnerable while trusting themselves to move on if the connection isn't reciprocated.

Takeaways

• 😌 In early dating, people often hold back on showing their true selves due to fear of scaring the other person away or appearing too eager.
• 🤔 The fear of appearing too available or too affectionate can lead to self-censorship and a reluctance to express authentic feelings and desires.
• 🧐 Societal conditioning plays a role in how men and women are expected to behave in early dating, with different stereotypes for 'love bombing' and showing interest.
• 📸 Viewing attraction as an evolving snapshot rather than a constant can help alleviate the fear of losing power by showing too much interest early on.
• 🤝 Small gestures of interest, like a light touch or a compliment, can encourage potential partners to reciprocate and show they are attracted as well.
• 💪 Maintaining personal power in dating involves showing independence and not relying on an emotional babysitter, which can be attractive to others.
• 🔍 It's important to distinguish between genuine needs in a relationship and neediness, which can come across as clingy or desperate.
• 🚫 Being overly cautious with affection can prevent you from finding out if the other person is compatible with your desire for a certain level of physical closeness.
• 💡 Standards, rather than indifference, are what allow you to hold on to your power in dating, by setting expectations and being willing to move on if they're not met.
• 💖 Trusting oneself to move on if the interest isn't reciprocated is crucial for maintaining confidence and self-assurance in the dating process.
• 🌟 Recognizing that you don't need someone to be happy allows for genuine enjoyment of their company and the potential relationship without fear or anxiety.

Q & A

Why do people tend to hold back during the early stages of dating?

People often hold back during the early stages of dating because they are worried about coming on too strong and scaring the other person away. They may reserve parts of themselves that they feel are authentically them, such as their level of affection or expressiveness, out of fear of being perceived as desperate or losing their power in the relationship.

What is the societal conditioning that affects how men and women show interest in dating?

There is a societal conditioning where if a woman tries too hard, it's seen as desperate, while if a man does the same, it's considered romantic. This stereotype often associates the 'love bomber' more with men, suggesting that women should hold back to be attractive.

What is the advice given to someone who is naturally affectionate and finds themselves holding back in fear of being too much?

The advice given is to show small signs of encouragement to the other person, such as light touches, compliments, or expressing that they had a great time. This helps to decrease anxiety and gives the other person a green light to reciprocate interest.

How can one maintain personal power while showing interest in early dating?

One can maintain personal power by understanding that attraction is an evolving thing and not a constant. By showing interest as a snapshot of how they feel at the moment, they reserve the right to change their level of interest based on the other person's response.

What is the difference between needs and neediness in the context of dating?

Needs refer to a valid requirement for a certain level of affection, interest, or stability in a relationship, while neediness implies an unhealthy dependence on the other person for one's happiness and security, making the other person responsible for one's emotional state.

Why is it important to be aware of whether our actions are coming from a place of need or neediness?

Being aware of whether actions stem from need or neediness is important because it helps maintain a healthy dynamic in the relationship. Neediness can push people away, while having needs that are met can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling connection.

What should one be more afraid of: scaring someone away with interest or ending up with someone who isn't a good match?

One should be more afraid of ending up with someone who isn't a good match, as it's important to gauge if the other person can reciprocate the level of affection and interest that one desires in a relationship.

How can standards help us maintain our power in early dating?

Standards help us maintain our power by setting a baseline for what we expect in a relationship. If our basic needs are not met, we can choose to direct our energy elsewhere, knowing that we deserve better and are not willing to settle for less.

What is the significance of being vulnerable in the dating process?

Being vulnerable is significant because it allows us to truly show our authentic selves and assess if the other person is a compatible match. Without vulnerability, we may never see how far a relationship could go due to a lack of genuine connection.

How does the speaker define 'playing it cool' and why is it not the best approach in early dating?

The speaker defines 'playing it cool' as a form of indifference, which is a way to hold on to power by not showing too much interest. However, it's not the best approach because it prevents us from being vulnerable and genuine, which are crucial for building a meaningful connection.

What is the role of self-trust in being able to show interest and affection in early dating?

Self-trust plays a crucial role as it allows individuals to be confident in their ability to move on if the other person does not reciprocate their interest or affection. This trust in oneself ensures that one does not become overly attached or desperate for the other person's approval.

Why is it important to feel secure and happy on our own before entering a relationship?

Feeling secure and happy on our own is important because it establishes a foundation of self-worth and independence. This prevents us from relying on others for our happiness and allows us to be our true selves in a relationship, without the fear of losing our sense of self.

Outlines

00:00

😰 Overcoming Dating Anxiety by Showing Genuine Interest

The first paragraph discusses the common fear in early dating stages of coming on too strong and scaring potential partners away, leading to the suppression of one's authentic self. It touches on societal conditioning and gender stereotypes, where men are often seen as 'love bombers' while women are expected to hold back. The speaker advises giving small signs of interest to encourage potential partners without overwhelming them, such as light touches or compliments, to decrease anxiety and establish a baseline for mutual attraction.

05:01

📸 Attraction as a Fluid Phenomenon: Understanding Interest Dynamics

This paragraph emphasizes that attraction and interest are not static but evolve over time. The speaker compares interest levels to snapshots, suggesting that today's level of interest can change by next week. This perspective can help alleviate the fear of losing power by showing too much interest early on. The idea is to give interest as a 'photograph' of the current moment, allowing for flexibility and the possibility of change, which can be empowering and reduce anxiety in dating scenarios.

10:01

💪 Maintaining Personal Power by Demonstrating Independence

The third paragraph focuses on maintaining personal power in dating by showing independence. It suggests that being able to enjoy a partner's company while also engaging with others at social events can be attractive and demonstrate autonomy. The speaker warns against neediness and emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between genuine needs in a relationship and a desperate clinging to another person for happiness and validation.

15:04

🔍 Assessing Compatibility Through Reciprocity of Interest

Here, the speaker encourages individuals to gauge compatibility by bravely offering aspects of affection and quality time they value in a relationship, without overwhelming the other person. The idea is to find out if the other person can reciprocate these desires, which is crucial for a fulfilling relationship. The speaker advises not to misinterpret the loss of interest as a personal failure but rather as a sign of incompatibility.

🛡 Upholding Standards to Preserve Personal Power in Dating

The final paragraph discusses the importance of having and upholding personal standards in dating to maintain power and self-respect. It suggests that showing interest is a way of testing the waters, and if the other person does not meet one's basic needs or standards, it's an opportunity to redirect energy elsewhere. The speaker also touches on the importance of self-trust and self-sufficiency, asserting that not needing someone else for happiness is the foundation of true confidence in relationships.

🌟 Self-Acceptance and Independence as Foundations for Healthy Relationships

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker calls for self-reflection on the need for approval and validation from others, suggesting that this need stems from deeper personal issues. They offer a virtual retreat as a means to address these underlying problems and build self-assurance and independence. The speaker emphasizes that being happy and secure in one's own company is essential for entering into relationships from a place of strength and self-acceptance.

Keywords

💡Authenticity

Authenticity in the context of the video refers to the genuine expression of one's true self, particularly in the early stages of dating. It is about not holding back parts of oneself out of fear of scaring the other person away. The video emphasizes the importance of being authentic to attract a compatible partner and to avoid misunderstandings about one's level of interest.

💡Affection

Affection is a central theme in the video, discussing the balance between showing warmth and care for another person and the fear of appearing too eager or 'love bombing'. The script mentions the dilemma of being naturally affectionate yet holding back for fear of driving the other person away, which can lead to misinterpretations about one's feelings.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety in the video is portrayed as a barrier to authentic dating behavior. It is the apprehension about expressing one's true feelings or desires due to the fear of rejection or being perceived as desperate. The speaker uses the term to describe the emotional state that can cause individuals to censor their natural responses and behaviors in the dating process.

💡Reciprocity

Reciprocity is the concept of mutual exchange in relationships, as discussed in the video. It is about giving and receiving affection, interest, and attention in a balanced way. The script uses reciprocity to highlight the importance of both parties showing interest to validate each other's feelings and to build a stronger connection.

💡Power

Power, in the context of dating, is the perceived control or influence one has in a relationship. The video discusses the common misconception that showing too much interest early on can diminish one's power. It suggests that power is not lost by expressing interest but rather by not having one's interest reciprocated.

💡Independence

Independence is highlighted as a valuable trait in the video, showing that one can be self-sufficient and not overly dependent on another person for happiness or validation. The speaker uses the concept to encourage individuals to maintain their personal power by demonstrating that they can enjoy their own company and are not desperate for the other person's attention.

💡Compatibility

Compatibility is a key aspect of successful relationships, and the video discusses the importance of finding a partner who can reciprocate one's level of affection and interest. It suggests that by not expressing one's true desires, one may inadvertently attract incompatible partners who cannot meet those needs.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the video is the willingness to be open and honest about one's feelings, despite the risk of rejection. It is contrasted with indifference, which is seen as a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from emotional pain. The speaker encourages embracing vulnerability as a means to build deeper connections.

💡Standards

Standards are the personal criteria or expectations one has for a relationship, as discussed in the video. They are what guide individuals in deciding whether a relationship is worth pursuing. The script mentions that having standards helps maintain personal power and ensures that one's needs are met in a relationship.

💡Neediness

Neediness is portrayed negatively in the video, as it implies an unhealthy dependence on another person for emotional stability and happiness. The speaker differentiates neediness from having valid needs in a relationship, cautioning against making others responsible for one's emotional well-being.

💡Self-Trust

Self-trust is the belief in one's ability to make sound decisions and to take care of oneself emotionally. In the video, it is linked to the ability to move on if a relationship does not meet one's needs or standards. The speaker encourages developing self-trust as a means to confidently navigate the dating world.

Highlights

The importance of expressing authentic parts of oneself in early dating to avoid coming on too strong.

The fear of showing too much affection or interest in the early stages of dating.

The societal conditioning that affects how men and women express interest in dating.

The concept of 'playing it cool' and its necessity in early dating.

Encouraging potential partners through small gestures to show interest.

The idea that attraction is not constant but an evolving aspect of a relationship.

Maintaining personal power by not needing an emotional babysitter in a relationship.

The difference between having needs and being neediness in a relationship.

The importance of finding a partner who can reciprocate your level of affection.

Being more afraid of getting someone who isn't a match for you than scaring someone away with your interest.

The role of standards in maintaining personal power and setting expectations in dating.

The misconception that playing it cool is a way to hold on to power in dating.

The necessity of vulnerability for a relationship to progress and be genuine.

Understanding that you can be happy without needing someone else for validation.

The impact of past experiences on current dating behaviors and the need for self-awareness.

The upcoming virtual retreat aimed at overcoming personal traumas and improving dating behaviors.

Transcripts

how cool should you play it in early

dating there is a period of the dating

process isn't there where we're so

worried that we're going to come on too

strong and scare someone away that we

reserve the parts of ourselves that

really want to come out parts of

ourselves that feel like they're

authentically us maybe we're someone who

loves affection but we're afraid to show

too much affection because we don't want

that person to think it's too much or

we're worried if we get seen to be

liking them too much that we're going to

lose all of our power we may love being

the kind of person who's expressive

without words but we hold back our words

and censor ourselves for fear that we're

going to say too much we may love

quality time but we act like someone who

doesn't really care that much about

seeing someone else because we don't

know whether they like us as much as we

like them and we're worried they'll like

us less if they think we're too

available I had a question in recently

from someone who said I am affectionate

I love quality time I have so much I

want to give but I find myself holding

back for fear that it's going to be too

much for somebody else that it's going

to drive them away and so when I show up

to parties with that person I'm afraid

to be too all over them at the party I'm

afraid to ask for too much or express

myself and my anxiety is what's making

me hold back now I think it has to be

said that there is this conditioning

that so many of us have that if a woman

is trying too hard that's desperate if a

guy is trying really hard then it's

romantic that you know the The

Stereotype of the love bomber is one

that often we see rightly or wrongly

because women can love bomb too but we

see it as more of a male thing a guy

love bombing a woman showing he's really

really interested and then not backing

it up we don't as commonly associate the

love bomber as being the woman we

associate the woman as being the one who

has to hold back in order to be be

attractive so the question is how much

is playing it called necessary and I'll

give you a little bit of what I said to

this woman who asked this question

because I know that I have in my own

past been on dates with people who were

holding back

and I didn't know that on the day on the

day all I knew was

I didn't think the person was into me I

didn't think the person was attracted to

me at all and then I was really

surprised to learn 24 hours or 48 hours

later that that person wanted to see me

again you know they would send me a text

and say I had such a great time I'd love

to see you again and I would think I was

going crazy I'd be like but you'd I

didn't get anything for I didn't feel

you flirted with me I didn't feel you

showed any attraction towards me I

certainly didn't feel you desired me and

so I was really surprised to know that

they wanted to see me again we have to

ask ourselves if I expressed a desire to

see someone again would it surprise them

based on my experience or my

interactions with them so far and a lot

of the time the answer is yes so one of

the things I say to people I'm going to

give you five points today but the first

point is we have to encourage people to

keep trying with us by the small things

we do that communicate interest or

desire those could be very small things

it could be be touching someone lightly

on the arm it could be telling someone

that they look really good in that

jacket it could be texting someone after

a date and telling them that you had a

great time or they're you're really

funny or you looked really good tonight

it could be someone that you've met on a

dating app and it's not escalating to a

date and you're having a great time with

them and there's lots of Rapport and you

send them a message saying by the way in

case you're wondering if you asked me

out on a date I'd say yes little things

that show people hey I'm giving you a

green light to try more because I am

attracted to you sometimes we're so

afraid of scaring someone off

that we don't even give them the

encouragement to actually try with us

now when we're showing someone a little

encouragement that can help to decrease

our anxiety if we think about it like

small baby steps of encouragement

instead of I'm immediately gonna say and

do everything I want to say and do which

isn't always advisable at the very

beginning of dating what we want to do

is invest then test give a little see if

they respond to that and if they respond

to our affection with some affection

then that's great we have confirmation

that we're both in the same place point

two is something that can really help

with your anxiety see our anxiety about

showing too much in early dating is

often about this feeling of once you

know how into you I am

I will have lost all of my power I think

that a big part of that is because we

see our attraction

as this constant like it's sort of just

a universal truth you're gonna find out

how into you I am but the truth is

attraction is an evolving thing it can

go up it can go down interest in someone

is an evolving thing it can go up it can

go down so I like to think of our

interest in someone like a photograph if

you take a photograph of how interested

I am in you today that is only a

photograph that represents that today

it's a snapshot in time of how I feel

but next week I might feel something

different if you take a new photograph a

week from now it might show a very

different level of attraction and if we

get in if we get that way of thinking

into our own minds then when we're

showing someone interest we're not

thinking I'm giving up all of this power

we're just thinking by giving you a

little interest today I'm showing you

how interested I am today if you you

don't reciprocate if you don't meet me

there if I try to give you some

affection or some nice words or show

that I want to see you and you don't

give me the same back I reserve the

right to change how interested I am at

any point it can change

overnight if I feel like oh you're not

you're not here with me you're not

consistent oh I don't feel safe with you

you I don't feel your attraction back

I'm gonna take that energy and direct it

elsewhere and you'll find that out the

next time you try to see me or the next

time you want to hang out the next time

you want to give me affection you'll

find out that you actually lost some of

my interest and Intrigue between the

last time I showed it to you and right

now when you suddenly want it again so

if someone sees through your actions

that your interest is not a constant

your interest is something that has to

be fed and watered and reciprocated you

know that you've never lost your power

by showing interest all you've done is

taken a photograph about how you feel

today and given it to them if they're

under any illusion that that photograph

is just a constant truth they will

realize how wrong they are the next time

they try to get your attention if your

attention has moved on number three one

great way to still maintain your

personal power or play call which is not

a term I like but a great way to not

feel like you've given up all of your

power is to show that you don't need an

emotional babysitter I think of the

example that this woman gave me where

she said when I go to a party with

someone I don't give them any attention

or affection because I'm afraid that

it's going to be too much but what tends

to be too much for someone is when we

never leave them alone or we show we

can't be alone now that's not me saying

that at a party you have to just leave

that person and go and talk to other

people all the time but showing you can

is very powerful showing you have the

ability to walk into a room with someone

and truly enjoy being next to them being

in their company but also be incredibly

comfortable having another conversation

feeling like you're an independent

presence in the room that you can hold

caught on your own that's a really

powerful thing it's a way of creating in

space

for someone to miss us for someone to

observe us at a distance which can be

incredibly attractive for someone to see

that we are an autonomous independent

person away from them

and the our needs

for affection for uh connection for

proximity

aren't the same as neediness neediness

is I have to be around you don't leave

me alone don't leave me here I can't

handle myself on my own needs are

something very different needs are just

this is a requirement for me to give my

time to someone to give my energy to

someone is that there's an appropriate

level of affection of interest of of

stability right those are needs

neediness is I can't be without you I

can't be happy without you I can't be

secure without you I can't feel I can't

make myself feel good I'm making you

responsible for that and that's one of

the things we should explore that's a

good place to get some self-awareness in

early dating is are we coming from a

place of having needs which is valid or

neediness which is making someone else

responsible for how we feel about

ourselves number four we should be more

afraid of getting someone who isn't

match for us then in scaring away

someone with our interest some of the

things that were put to me by this woman

is she said I'm an affectionate person I

really enjoy quality time I really enjoy

a touch well those are things that are

important for her to know someone else

can give

right she has an awareness that that's

what she's like she needs to at some

point learn whether that person can

reciprocate those things so yes she

doesn't want to give all of her time to

this person at once yes she doesn't want

to suddenly give all of the physical

affection to someone in day two that she

would give to someone in month six of a

relationship but unless we start to

bravely give some of the things that we

ultimately want to get back we'll never

see if that person's able to reciprocate

now if we're never being touchy-feely

with someone or holding their hand or

giving them a kiss on the street because

we're scared that by doing those things

they're going to think we're too much

we're also never learning if they can be

the kind of person that makes us happy

have you ever been in a relationship

where you really like affection and the

other person doesn't that's going to

make you miserable you know it if you

felt it if you've been there

so during the dating process I'd be more

concerned about can this person be

physically affectionate is that in them

if my physical affection scares someone

away then I've scared away someone who's

not compatible with me I can't keep

taking the lesson that oh my God I

should never have given that affection

because it scared them away that's the

wrong lesson to learn number five

whenever you find yourself playing it

too cool in early dating

remember that it is your standards that

ultimately allow you to hold on to your

power not your indifference when we

communicate interest in somebody there's

always the fallback of our standards we

communicate a little interest we see

what happens and if that person shows

that they cannot meet our needs we can

always have the standard of saying this

isn't enough for me I don't get enough

of my needs met in this situation and in

early dating we can't have so many needs

that someone says oh my God you're

literally we've only known each other

two weeks and you're already asking for

everything that you would get from a

relationship from this situation that's

having needs that are out of context

needs that should be reserved for

someone that we know better that are

being placed on someone we don't know

very well at all if we find that even

our most basic needs aren't being met

the need for respect the need for a

level of consistency in the way that

this person is reaching out to us or the

Cadence of seeing each other and talking

to each other the need for uh a level of

affection when we are together if our

needs aren't being met in that area

our standards is what say are what saves

us and allows us to hold on to our power

people often think of standards as this

very kind of aggressive thing like I am

telling you this is what you have to do

and this is what I need from you and

often standards can seem a little over

the top and even entitled for someone

that we don't know very well it's like

how why are you asking me for all of

this we don't even know each other very

well standards to me in early dating are

often quieter

standards are just where we direct our

energy and if I don't get enough back

from you then I am going to take my

energy and direct it somewhere else to

other parts of my life or other people

other dates and when you feel that I can

explain why that is if you're asking me

that question but you're quickly going

to realize that if you don't give me

more you're not gonna get more that's a

standard a standard doesn't always have

to be spoken and that's what I was

talking about with the idea of the

photograph just because you gave

attention to someone last week just

because you showed interest last month

it doesn't mean that they still have it

and your standards

are what shows someone that they don't

still have it in the same way that they

did before because when they come back

asking for what they got last month

they're going to quickly realize there

are consequences to not meeting you

where you're at and a standard is a much

better way to hold on to our power than

just indifference that's ultimately

playing it cool is a form of

indifference I'm holding on to my power

by being indifferent to you but we all

know as because we're not

indifferent we actually like the person

we actually want to see where it could

go and unfortunately if we're not

vulnerable with a person we'll never see

how far it could go because we're not

actually giving what we want to get from

someone else which is vulnerability

letting our guard down actually showing

up being affectionate so we have to be

willing to be vulnerable and let our

guard down but our standard is what

ultimately saves us if you don't meet me

there I can move on with my attention

and what we have to do is trust

ourselves elves to move on with our

attention if we don't get it back from

them that's what really allows us to be

bold and confident in showing someone we

like them is that we realize I the

moment I feel like you're not there with

me I can start to move on and I trust

myself to do that and not to keep

chasing your approval your attention

trying to get more of you when you're

not giving me the same as I'm giving to

you and in order to do that in order to

have that self-trust we have to root it

in something real that always is I know

that I can be happy without you I know

that I don't need you you could be an

incredible addition to my life building

something with you could be amazing

seeing where this goes could be amazing

but I do not need you see when we don't

need someone we're free to enjoy them

when we need them

we can no longer enjoy them because when

we feel like someone has our happiness

in the palm of their hand

we can't be ourselves because we're

constantly under threat we're constantly

trying to appease you and make you happy

and second guess what you want because

I'm afraid that you're going to take

away my happiness if you can't take away

my happiness then I can really be myself

with you and we can really see what this

could be now for those of you who know

deep down you haven't got to that place

where you can feel safe and secure and

happy without someone and be honest with

yourself right now I'm really asking you

this because people love on Instagram to

say I'm good on my own I love my own

company I'm happy just with me people

will love saying things like that

because they sound good but most people

don't actually behave like that most

people the moment they come across

someone they think is super attractive

someone who represents a level of

Charisma or Charm or sexiness something

that makes them very eligible

immediately that goes out of the window

and you know it goes out of the window

because you start to see people chasing

people that aren't worthy of that

chasing they start to overvalue someone

to get anxious around them to fear their

abandonment they get anxiously attached

I'm asking you honestly right now if you

identify with those feelings

because if you do

that's not your fault

that comes from something in your life

it comes from somewhere in your life a

time where you real where you've thought

you had to chase people to get their

approval or just growing up and feeling

like you weren't enough on your own you

had something to prove or other people

were better than you or that you'd never

be okay on your own that you'd never

survive so you go looking for someone

that can make you feel safe somewhere

along the way we learned this wiring

that we're not safe that I'm not okay on

my own that I'm not enough unless I'm

validated by somebody else

and those are the root cause of the

reasons why we end up chasing people and

in order to protect ourselves rather

than be vulnerable in a constructive and

Powerful way we feel like it's safer

just to be indifferent and to numb

ourselves and to detach ourselves and

keep someone at arm's length if you know

this is you and you relate to this the

kind of work that gets people to feel

safe in their own bodies to feel happy

on their own to feel like they don't

need that approval or that validation

from other people is exactly the kind of

work I do on the virtual Retreat and I'm

doing one final virtual Retreat this

year in June from the 2nd to the fourth

I also have incredible support in this

Dr rahmani is joining me for this and

she's going to be helping you as well

overcome the trauma of your life so this

is a team of heavyweights coming to you

on this virtual Retreat this is a moment

in time that I don't want you to miss is

especially if you know there are

patterns that exist for you that have

not and will not go away on their own

and after 15 years of coaching people

I'm here to tell you they do not go away

on their own they go away by us doing

the work and the work is what we are

going to do in June so to apply come to

MH

virtualretreat.com and if you get there

and you have questions and you want to

know how does this program apply to me

what will it do specifically for me in

my situation I have a very small family

of people that I love and Trust who can

talk to you about it and talk you

through the process as well in a

tailored way to your life you'll find

all of that information on the page for

how to book your call with one of them

but go over there now before you forget

plug this date in your diary the second

to the 4th of June and go find out about

it at

mhvirtualretreat.com thank you for

watching and like always I'll see you

next week

[Music]