Barnacle Bobby & Lice Balut w/ Rudy and Her Sister | Ep 202 | Bad Friends

Summary

The video features a conversation between comedians Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee along with guests. They discuss various topics like Andrew's acting career, memories from the early days of stand-up comedy, stories of being underestimated and proving doubters wrong. They talk about young love and relationships, share ideas on philanthropy, wealth distribution after death. There are entertaining impersonations, imaginary scenarios, a critique of Joe Koy's Golden Globes performance and praise for his kindness. An endearing story conveys how Bobby's compassion was rewarded. There are funny commentaries, news parodies and an enthusiastic real estate sales roleplay.

Takeaways

• 😊 Bobby and Andrew have a contest to see who can sell the most t-shirts on their websites
• 😮 Issa reveals she has impersonated people online to get gifts/money
• 🤔 Discussion on what to do with immense wealth when you are near death
• 😠 Andrew recalls being told by some in Hollywood early on that he wouldn't make it
• 🙂 The group talks about acts of kindness paying off in indirect ways
• 👀 Issa demonstrates she can do a convincing American valley girl accent
• 🤨 The Philippines reportedly has stricter school standards than the US
• 😕 Bobby recounts a professor telling Adam Sandler he didn't have talent
• 💖 The group expresses support for Jo Koy's Golden Globes hosting job
• 😃 Issa's real estate agent role play is very entertaining

Q & A

What is the contest Bobby mentions about selling merchandise?

Bobby mentions a contest between him and Andrew to see who can sell more merchandise on their Bad Friends website. The loser has to massage the winner naked on camera.

What cities does Bobby mention they will be performing stand-up shows in?

Bobby mentions they will be performing stand-up shows in Salt Lake City, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson, and finishing in Las Vegas on April 20th.

What does Bobby offer to do for Issa regarding moving to the United States?

Bobby offers to have Issa move to the US for high school like they did for her sister JWes. He suggests she break up with her boyfriend, finish high school in the US, and then live there.

What does Andrew share about a professor doubting his ability to succeed in comedy?

Andrew shares a story about a professor taking him out for a beer and telling him he doesn't have the talent to succeed in comedy. The professor seeing Andrew's success later congratulates him, and Andrew simply introduces the professor to his friends.

What does Bobby say he would do with his money if he was dying?

Bobby says if he was dying, he would spend a lot and have fun rather than give his money away.

What magical story does Bobby share about being nice?

Bobby shares a story about helping a woman he saw looking lost in the Comedy Store parking lot. Getting her a glass of wine and a seat to see a show led to her later helping him get a role on MADtv.

What does Issa admit to doing to get money online?

Issa admits to catfishing as a cute Japanese girl on Discord to get Nitro subscriptions and gifts like Minecraft from people.

What does Bobby say about Joe Koy's Oscars performance?

Bobby defends Joe Koy, saying he had only 10 days to prepare and did his best. Bobby says Joe Koy is very kind and will bounce back from the criticism.

Why does Bobby get irritated by Andrew during the show?

Bobby gets irritated when he believes Andrew is making rude noises while Bobby is complimenting their friend Joe Koy.

What career does Issa say she is interested in pursuing?

Issa says she is interested in becoming a real estate agent.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Hey, ooh, look - competition and tour dates

Andrew and Bobby promote their merchandise competition and mention upcoming tour dates in various cities, ending in Las Vegas. They do a bit trying to win the lottery.

05:01

😃 Stricter school management and education standards in the Philippines

They discuss stricter school management and higher education standards in the Philippines compared to the US. Isa mentions there has only been one school shooting in the history of the Philippines.

10:02

😄 Bobby's polaroid dick pic story

Bobby tells a story about receiving a polaroid dick pic as a gift at a 12-step meeting white elephant gift exchange. He put it on display in his home rather than hiding it.

15:03

😅 Andrew and Bobby muse about intimacy, the ring, and Lord of the Rings characters Frodo and Sam's relationship

In a silly bit, Andrew and Bobby joke about hypothetically protecting the dangerous ring from Lord of the Rings on a journey by inserting it in Andrew's butthole for safekeeping each night.

20:04

😆 Andrew shares stories of Hollywood executives doubting and discouraging him when he was starting out in comedy

Andrew relates several experiences with Hollywood gatekeepers bluntly telling him he wouldn't make it when he was first pursuing comedy. He later got some small comeuppances.

25:05

😝 Isa shows off her American valley girl accent

Isa demonstrates she can perfectly imitate an American valley girl accent, having learned from friends online. Andrew and Bobby are amazed at how authentic she sounds.

30:07

🤗 Bobby's magical parking lot networking story

Bobby tells a story about helping a random woman in the Comedy Store parking lot one night earlier in his career, and later having her miraculously appear at his MadTV audition which he believes helped him get the part.

35:09

😢 Andrew commiserates about the difficulty of Frodo's Gibberish speech

Relating to Joe Koy's Oscars hosting experience, Andrew empathizes with how hard it must have been for Elijah Wood to perform Frodo's nonsensical fake language speech.

40:10

😂 Isa pretends to be a shady real estate agent selling the couple a ridiculous $30 million portable house

When Andrew and Bobby pretend to be a married couple, Isa does an improv bit as a very sketchy real estate agent trying to sell them a strange, terrible $30 million house.

Keywords

💡comedy

Comedy is a central theme in the video, as the hosts are comedians discussing their careers and experiences. Comedy relates to their work, goals, and shared interests.

💡Hollywood

Hollywood represents the entertainment industry that the hosts work in. It's discussed in relation to things like auditions, meetings with executives, and obstacles they've faced.

💡sobriety

Sobriety refers to abstaining from drug and alcohol abuse. One of the hosts talks about his sobriety, relating it to being nice and having a good heart.

💡kindness

Kindness and being nice are discussed in multiple contexts, like how it can lead to positive outcomes and how the hosts aspire to react kindly even when wronged.

💡success

Success in a comedy and entertainment career is a subtheme, with discussions of achieving dreams despite early discouragement.

💡scam

Scam refers to deceiving people for money. One of the younger guests discusses scamming people online, which the hosts joke she could pursue.

💡accident

Getting injured in an accident and seeking legal help is discussed in an ad read. This references the legal system and personal injury lawsuits.

💡immigration

Immigration is jokingly referenced in relation to deportation and having enough room in America, poking fun at anti-immigration sentiments.

💡death

Death and end-of-life giving are discussed casually, with ideas like leaving money to enemies or giving it all away when about to die.

💡magic

Magic is lightheartedly referenced when one host promises to share a "magical story" about a positive experience from being nice.

Highlights

Bobby talks about getting a dick pic Polaroid in a white elephant gift exchange at an AA meeting

Issa says she catfished people online by pretending to be a cute Japanese girl to get free things

Bobby tells a story about helping a lady who was lost get into the Comedy Store, and she later helped him get a role on MADtv

They talk about Andrew Carnegie giving away the majority of his wealth before he died to influence other rich people to be philanthropic

Bobby impersonates a valley girl voice and Issa does a great valley girl impression

They discuss that there has never been a school shooting in the Philippines

Issa says she has a fake Instagram account where she pretends to be an Indian man

Bobby tells a story about helping Jason Nash when he had no money, exemplifying being kind to people when struggling

They encourage Issa to dream big about being a professional scammer

Bobby says he believes when you die, you restart into another soul and entity

Andrew talks about a Hollywood executive telling him he won't make it in comedy when he was starting out

Issa pretends to be a real estate agent showing Rudy and Andrew a $30 million, 10 square foot portable house

They joke that in her past life, Rudy was a patch of wildflowers growing in the Great Wall of China

Bobby speculates that Issa will end up moving to the US after high school like Rudy did

Andrew praises Jo Koy's Golden Globes hosting and says he got unfairly criticized online

Transcripts

hey ooh look at this sh it's the

competition the competition is on for

only a couple more weeks ladies and

gentlemen you got to go to bad friends

merch.com we're competing to see who can

sell more shirts and the loser the loser

has to do what Robert the loser has to

massage the other guy but naked on

camera yeah yeah and everyone's going to

see it across the universe so this is my

little beautiful I'm Bobby mom shirt and

he's got his beautiful little cartoon

show say something about his though it's

a great shirt it's a catchphrase it's

like glorious right but you can find

that on

Etsy my point is that but this one right

here this Miyazaki one man it's so

original it's cute you can wear it out

yeah you can wear it out okay but this

one you could wear in so wear this

inside go badf friends merch.com badri

merch.com for this only two more weeks

left of this competition once the year

once the competition is over we don't

sell the shirts anymore that's it and

also this weekend we're in Salt Lake

City uh then Tula Reno Sacramento Long

Beach Windsor Niagara Falls Tucson then

we we finish in Vegas uh April 20th

April 20th in Vegas we end the tour so

uh that's it for a while we're not going

to tour again until 2025 or something go

to badf friends pod.com for those

tickets badf friends pod.com you two are

bad friends who are these two idiots

white dude and an Asian dude you two are

disgusting you two are something we're

bad friends hey ladies Isa you've done

this before right yeah she did it one

time I when did she do it huh when did

she do it I forgot she did last year

last year at the end of last year right

mhm all right let me see if I won the

millionaire jackpot and this was given

to Bobby because Carlos hit Bobby's mom

in the face pretty hard yeah 10 top

prizes of a million doll any of your

numbers match the winning numbers okay

so the winning numbers are 152 28 36 and

4 now if I win is it just me and you or

do we going to give some to the girls

give some yeah obviously now with that

attitude yeah after that attitude you

know what um you dictate Deport them

Deport okay good if I don't win you get

deported we're deporting them so if I

don't win even a little bit even like a

dollar you guys are both going back to

the Jungle baby you know where you are

you're in the Philippines baby and

you're going to

die all

right 436 285 and two let's go so no no

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

no no no no

no no I don't get out get out I don't

want to go V too bad too bad not my

problem dude the lotto dictated all that

36 man I was too off but twice really

tough to win these things I don't ever

get these things my whole family loves

playing the lottery uhuh and it's the

sad as [ __ ] but the big lottery right

now I just saw in the news what's the

Powerball up to right now 88 million oh

wow shouldn't we get it I'll buy the

ball you buy the Power Ball I would buy

that gigantic red ball wow that would be

amazing how much is that what's it is

that ball what is it made of the Power

Ball itself

yeah money I feel like there's liquid in

it what's in there it's like boba boba

the power Boba Ball but also just

unicorn [ __ ] is inside there yeah yeah

yeah wow that's where it's been the

whole time is unicorn come good no I

don't think so right not as yeah it's

probably rainbow color it's too because

unicorns are so physically active right

right it's got to be it's just I feel

like it would taste good like what they

make Starbucks drinks out of that out of

unicorn unicorn the Unicorn I a venty

unicorn unicorn C half sweet yeah well I

didn't know is that like a side menu

special menu if I that's in the

Philippines oh in the Philippines they

have it oh you have unicorn come and Pog

POG po POG POG oh he wants me to go POG

poging where you go you know POG POG is

sifting through the trash what's POG POG

where you go sifting through the trash

yeah what's POG POG POG POG is two

unicorns [ __ ] no no no that's not

P it does make that sound it does make

that sound you're you're right P but

isn't there a dish in the Philippines

called pog pug pug pug yeah p a p a pug

pug pug Pug's like he sent it to me look

it up it's it's when you go dumpster

diving and you make food out of dumpster

what's it called there look POG POG POG

POG the I've never I've never had it but

I know how do you say it how do you say

it po the what what the [ __ ] did I well

let me hear you hold on POG po say say

it again POG POG no you say it bug bug

bug bug yeah they're sounding like bug

bug bug okay so what it is look at these

photos you dig through the trash we go

back to the Wikipedia and it because I

think it says there's a a literal

definition of it it's the tagalong term

for leftover food from restaurants

usually from fast food restaurants uh

scavenged from sites and dumpsters and

then you collect a dinner out of it you

guys have never heard of this before or

I've seen the exact real that I think

you're talking about wow that's just

insane so you've never seen people eat

it no oh cuz I thought that you ate that

and did a shot of unicorn

com it's probably a tradition somewhere

yeah yeah well that's tagalong you guys

speak the other one talo right what is

it no which one do you speak Mah okay

[ __ ] shut up how many are there that

that island is the size of like Los

Angeles there's a lot of dialects how

big is the Philippines it's not that big

it's not that it's small there's just a

lot of islands there's just so many

people though there's too many not too

many no I think so it's a good amount

home to 120 and 180 between 120 and 187

languages that is [ __ ] absurd too

many in America we have one Spanish oh

yeah Spanish Spanish baby Spanish is

there a better language did Spanish no

it's the most globally spoken language

right is it really I thought English

dominated chines no Chinese chines

Chinese well CH wait it's Mand

you know whates here since you've been

here you've been very [ __ ] like like

since you've been gone yeah I can't Brea

for the first time they're killing it

you got to let them go so good so um you

have to introduce for the people that

all right so ladies and gentlemen boys

and girls hello welcome to another

episode of tiger belly I mean pop B

friends bad friends I mean because I see

them all the

don't get so angry but anyway ladies and

let me start over ladies anding binging

Bing ladies and gentlemen boys and girls

welcome another episode of bad friends

the greatest podcast on Earth with the

greatest host Andrew Santino what a

handsome young man leading actor big

star give him a round of applause ladies

and gentlemen thank you so much I love

this podcast anyway we've got two we got

two we got two beautiful we got you know

a regular here she's a part of the

family we've got [ __ ] jwes here but

then her sister from the Philippines is

here for a couple weeks she you're

leaving tomorrow I am yeah but um it was

really good to see you and so give her a

Issa give her what's your what's your

Instagram tag cuz I know you like

followers cuz you always want me to like

you always want should I tag you on this

or you want to repost it no every time

we take a [ __ ] photo want I know she

wants to be famous so every time we take

a photo you like uh you want to

collaborate or you want to and I'm

always like [ __ ] you so my point is

throw your Instagram out

okay it's is AA but with a double z and

an R okay Double R you heard it here

first mhm yeah yeah how old are you now

I'm 15 don't show her Instagram to

anybody what are we talking about she's

a kid be think so it was so weird when

like the people like from here found me

they started like bombarding my DMs was

like the weirdest thing gross this is

disgusting this is our family here on

this show you can only uh DM or even

follow her click to follow her her is it

private private uh yeah good and you can

only even try if you're under 17 mhm

right mhm under 1 she has a boyfriend

now though it does I'm just saying in

general even if like what does that have

anything to do with anything right now I

know you do have a boyfriend I do how

old is he he's 16 I thought for a second

I thought she said 60 and I was like

welcome to

America he's 16 you're 15 he can drive

no no you don't have cars there what oh

you oh like is it like The Flinstones

their feet

unicorn wait a minute you but he can oh

it's in the Philippines that's right I

forgot there do you get licenses there

at 16 or no no you can only get the yeah

the students permit is at 17 and then 18

is the legal driving age but no one

really drives no there's a there's a lot

I mean you could afford your dad's a

lawyer I like his car I don't want his

car what does he have oh he just has an

Elantra but he like tweaked it so it's

like it's a tricked out

Elantra yeah Andrew I want to tell you

can I tell you something we are the best

country in the world we are we really a

lawyer drives an Elantra I know tough

times over there a Mitsubishi Elantra is

top tier yeah but they have running

water that's good that is that your

cousin's name running water no but they

they they at one point they didn't have

running water remember no way yeah we no

they did no they didn't no but your dad

has a tricked outut alantra and you love

it yeah is he going to give it to you I

hope so me too mhm we'll we'll tell we

can ask him yeah let's ask him and then

you have two little two little brothers

yeah they want it too comp oh really

yeah but you're the old you're the

oldest yeah so you get it are they still

crazy or no every time I see them

they're just running around in circles

the youngest is crazy you just want to

like punch him all day you don't like

him how old is he 10 10 okay yeah yeah

he's a child but he's just so but they

grow up faster there no they don't yeah

they have he has a mustache like [ __ ]

Manny Pacquiao they all have they're

born with mustaches in the Philippines

what were you going to ask me what oh no

I was going to tell you that my mom has

like the biggest crush on

you also why is there a dickpick on your

house what what what's up of what of

like dicks there's like a big dick and

like small small dicks like around it

Polaroids what are you doing you have

dickpics at your house on the wall I lit

whose dicks are they I lit have no whose

dicks do you have on your wall have no

whose dicks are on your wall at your

house first of all I'll leave here right

now and go your house and see back up

right now D no cuz you don't do this to

you disrespected me first of all and

called this [ __ ] uh B uh uh belly

tiger [ __ ] whatever the [ __ ] that

I'm going to go to your house if there's

other dicks on that wall that aren't

mine we're in a [ __ ] fight it's your

dick dude no it's not I know is it

Orange it's kind of orange it was your

dick oh all right then we're cool anyway

can I explain the dick pick or no please

we're all

waiting so you know the Wednesday

meeting I go to yeah right so I go to

this Wednesday that's what you guys do

at AA that's not what we do so there's

this guy named I can't say his name

because it's but anyway there's this guy

who's a newcomer and one day he goes hey

let's do a Christmas like elephant

whatever Christmas elephant thing right

a white elephant yeah whatever where

every you you draw a name out of the

[ __ ] thing yeah so I get him for some

reason right and I brought I forgot

about it so I brought cash so I gave I

gave a friend of my $100 and then this

other guy gives me a beanie inside the

Beanie was that [ __ ] Polaroid of a

dickpick of his dick I don't know whose

dick it is but when I opened it up and I

did it I go oh [ __ ] I don't I said just

put it on the ledge you kept it but why

is there like one big dick and then like

small dicks around it wait wait in one

photo you really are in Hollywood yeah

in one photo yeah did I take it I don't

know dude this is what Cat Williams was

talking about what you're in Hollywood

dude you're getting dick weird dickpick

Polaroid proposals you are [ __ ]

Hollywood who's more Hollywood now bad

friends fans the guy that has dick piics

on his wall no no so that's is wow dude

you I'm not ashamed you're evil you're

in the I'm not evil I'm not ashamed who

did you who did you have to suck to get

that fox

deal oh we want to give you a

show no no no so anyway why did you put

it on your wall why didn't you on a oh

my God you guys are [ __ ] where is it

yeah if I was ashamed of it why would I

I put it with a drawer put it right

there why throw it away it's funny

people walking up see gigantic dickpic

it's funny okay I don't know would you

have dickpics in your house guys just

laying around Carlos car thank you car

that's why you're in the program too

right but I mean you know if you're

going to first of all do you want to

clean my house again again and you're

telling everybody the inside secrets of

my house I'm just telling like weird

stuff in your house yeah you have a dick

on display thank you I'm not ashamed of

it also this right it's so contradictory

to what you just said you're mad about

it but then she's like no it's displayed

you're like right I'm not not

embarrassed I'm not embarrassed I'm

adding up but my point is this okay is

just that next time you see some stuff

like that but I can't keep a secret I

have to tell it see something say

something thank you Rudy okay you got to

teach them right they're doing good yeah

and then why is it when you clean my

house if you want to just if you want to

talk about things then let's talk about

things on the show talk about whatever

you want on the show why is it why is it

when you clean my house and stuff like

that um I see your phone it's on uhoh

right and you're in a different room

okay you're in a different room cleaning

but who's on the phone oh my boyfriend

yeah yeah and he's just laying there

like this e what yeah so she's cleaning

another room like she you're FaceTiming

and he just lays there but he's not even

she's not in she's

downstairs because we just like she's

downstairs right and I'm I'm getting a

drink you know me in the kitchen and I

look I see her phone and I see this

gigantic nose oh my God oh my God what

he doesn't have a big nose no he doesn't

have a big no does he have a big nose no

see is that wide no okay it's normal

from where you from but from here dude

yeah it's snuff all up I guessing your

nose all right your nose is not even

normal so don't make fun oh go ahead

call me out what's up with my nose now

what is up with your nose tell me about

my nose why is it not normal let me see

lift up yeah it's yeah well I don't know

yeah it's pretty really good pretty

normal yeah yeah anyway why do you have

this kid he's your

slave what do you mean it's creepy that

he watches I'm cleaning the house but

I'm not even in the room but you have to

stay on you know I mean on the phone on

FaceTime we just like to stay on call

it's normal for us the fact is he likes

it yeah g it's love maybe no that's not

love that's weird he just there while

she cleans that sounds like some weird

fetish [ __ ] no because he's watching

something and we're just doing different

things but staying on call you're does

your boyfriend stay on FaceTime with you

when you're doing something real that's

maybe it's just what young people do

it's what they do these wh no FaceTime

my wife are you [ __ ] out of your mind

I live with her yeah FaceTime no you

don't do that you don't do I mean we

FaceTime if I'm like across the country

on the road but your boyfriend lives in

the same city you call them it's

different they young people do FaceTime

[ __ ] okay they love FaceTime anyway how

many times have you done

FaceTime what do you mean in general you

never do FaceTime I do it every night to

who to who I've been FaceTiming somebody

every night who you been FaceTiming

Cleveland have you been FaceTime you

know what dude what's going on here

today what is going on here today that's

why everybody wore your shirt so they

could call you out for [ __ ] and make you

not feel bad yeah anyway I do FaceTime

and um U are you FaceTiming with someone

that you um enjoy right right now yeah

how long do you stay on FaceTime with

this person half an hour maybe that's

pretty good do you remember when we were

young and we talk on the phone to to

someone we liked for hours no when we

were like young young oh my God and they

would sit on the phone for hours and

hours and hours you guys don't know

about land lines no in when I was when I

went on the road my first road dat was

in San Antonio and I was seeing this

girl Jennifer field remember the girl

that texted me when I was 23 I ate her

[ __ ] vagina in in her mom's closet

who could forget

yeah who could forget yeah yeah yeah

yeah and I remember going to cuz I was

opening for menia Carlos menia and we're

at the um that San Antonio Mall LOL not

lol it wasn't even there yet it was in

the mall the other one yeah right and

they had this weird like condo that I

had to stay in and I remember from after

the show maybe it was like I was 1:00 in

the morning I talked to her till like

8:00 in the morning yeah on a landline

on a landline yeah and and tell I love

you I miss you you know what I mean be

falling asleep and wake up and keep talk

yeah I miss those days me too man never

going to get that ever again now these

kids just stay on FaceTime where they

clean other people's houses now when a

girl calls I sh them like a u

telemarketer I I got to go I can't wrong

number wrong number I

can't rocket money you guys I have so

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my phone and my all my iPad all my stuff

right and it's like I don't even I'm

losing money as we speak tons of money

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to lower our bills in the New Year we're

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um look I've used rocket money to cancel

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here's the thing about Young Love though

yeah I've been asking around to

people where has it gone young love for

me well you're 52 I I

know that's what I'm not saying Young

Love where's old love no no hold up I'm

just saying the feeling of like you know

St Andrew's retirement home is right

down the street from me yeah come by

sometime I know what I'm saying is the

feeling of like you're in a pink Cloud

butterflies you get you you don't get

that anymore you don't get it I remember

in my your age it was intense it's

different it was like but you're feeling

it for the first time yeah but it was

just like oh my God this is it this is

you know mean this is going to fulfill

every and it doesn't does it dream no

because it always I you always get

betrayed it lets you down in some way

you're going to get let down but I want

to but what I'm saying is I'm trying to

find that in my life now but you're

going to get that feeling no I haven't

felt that since I was their age you'll

get a different version what about Kalo

when you first met I did get a with her

for a couple years yeah yeah yeah but

anyway um no but but you're going to

find it in a different way stop rubbing

your

tits what do you mean stop it no I just

stop you're there's a warm feeling of no

can I just do this you're going to get

me hard if you keep I know but I I I I I

I want to feel it in my chest like love

you're going to get the love it's just

going to feel different you're not that

young anymore you're VI your your your

viewpoint on the world is different so

you're not going to feel the same you

know what you know what it's like for an

addict remember the first time you got

high yeah greatest thing in the world

yeah and then the second time and the

third time and the fourth time you got

high and by the 50th time you got high

it didn't feel like the first time you

got high at all it was kind of a let

down I think that's what it is so you're

looking at it looking for the old high

you need to chase the new high not drugs

you need to chase love in the way of

like this is just who you are now they

should have a business like a Black

Mirror episode m a place where they wipe

your

memories you Scientology is open 24

hours a day I know but just a place

where I can just restart well when you

die I think you restart you think so

100% I think when we die we restart into

another soul and body and entity I think

you've died a thousand times you just

don't know it not as Bobby Lee but as

other [ __ ] what you think I was before

this a worm Sam amurai a samurai worm a

samurai worm a no what if you were a

unicorn oh that's why you love it so

much I don't love it that's why you're

mentioning it now I'd have I'd rather

have minur I'd rather have Minotaur come

you're definitely not Minotaur no you're

Minotaur I'm definitely more minitor

than you are yeah but I'm not Centaur

you're not a centaur oh [ __ ] why not

you're a unicorn worm how about a siren

you're a worm no I'm not a worm you're a

warrior worm is not a mythological

creature a worm sure is worms have been

around for billions of years in the

folklore of of it is now how about it

can I be a worm like in Dune no yeah I

would be a gigantic worm no you're an

earthworm you're a little tiny baby

Earth no no I want to be one of those in

the in in the desert Dune Dune I want to

be a Dun worm that's you you're an Asian

Asian jumping go dun worm Google dun

worm that's an Asian jumping worm dun

worm Dune worm dude no you're not that's

me that's my butthole no have you seen

my but hole exactly like that right it's

it's got the lines and everything look

at that's me dude you're and that's

[ __ ] right there those two girls you're

an Asian they're going into your butth

hole yeah yeah yeah yeah okay you're an

Asian jumping worm okay would then what

are you then ask the girls what was I in

my previous life I feel like did Andrew

would be like a horse or yeah a sentor

yeah yeah right there yeah that's me oh

so he gets a good one yeah I get worm no

no no but you've okay okay how about

this girls what was he before he was a

worm maybe maybe you were you were the

one that rode the Andrew that's right I

rode him you rode on back you were like

in my horse

hairs no it's no dude okay check it out

no it's like those you know on a whale

uh right they have the little fish that

clean their back that's you that's not

me 100% that's you you're the Barnacles

on the whale the bar you're a [ __ ]

Barnacle Barnacle under wh back [ __ ]

you dude that looks exactly like you I

know but does that even have a brain and

feelings do you no okay barle a barnacle

Barnacle Bobby yeah Barnacle Bobby

Barnacle Bobby riding on a whales back

all right dude enough make you feel

better what was he before he was a worm

because you lived another you lived

other so many so many lives what was you

before he was a worm

girl maybe you were working on 9 of5 yes

you I was

working a regular

guying what he was a blowfish man you

working 9 to5 at a

restaurant take order can I speak to the

manager I'm sorry but the Blowfish has

forgotten so many our drinks came late

yeah why don't have any

hands what a shitty server shitty or I

was a blowfish you're a blowfish well

let's go to you guys then oh yeah what

were the girls oh [ __ ] how many

varieties of maggots are

there you can't make the call cuz we

already made your call yeah yeah oh

really so once you make the call I can't

make a call make call what kind of

[ __ ] game is this what are you

talking about and yeah call I think

Rudy oh my God I can I can see it now

her previous life butterfly butterfly no

no not not Rudy was dolphin Rudy was um

mermaid have you ever been to the Great

Wall of China no at the Great Wall of

China there was a little patch uh that

that a little crack in the rocks and and

flowers go grow through

there who who who whoa whoa what Coral

huh flowers there's a group of wild

flowers and the Chinese government has

just let it continue to grow so now it's

a patch of wild flowers I think you were

a wild flower that's at the Great Wall

of China C that's good he said where

were you before this I can see it in my

head let me let me see it if I oh I see

it I see it I see it oh my God I see it

I see it

now oh no oh no oh no what what what

what what what oh no she was oh my God

she was a little ground squirrel a

little a little tiny ground squirrel and

she popped up oh at a construction site

in

her head came right off oh [ __ ] my God

it was a tragic death that was oh you

have the ability I can see oh my God let

me see Carlos you oh I can see Carlos oh

my God iOS what is it what was it what

is

it oh oh my God you remember oh my God

you know in in New York in Central Park

they had the horses on the carriages

yeah yeah yeah yeah you know the bag

that catches all the horse poop Carlos

that's Carlos he was a bag of horeshit

oh [ __ ] he was the bag that collected

all the hor [ __ ] in Central Park yeah

yeah yeah yeah oh my God at the turn of

w dude you're gifted wow well let me see

if I can do fancy we should have a 18

800 number yeah just call me yeah yeah

call me now for your free history

reading yeah it's m Mr Cheeto Mr Cheeto

yeah okay hold on let me see if I can do

fancy hold on oh yeah yeah oh I know oh

you can can you feel it oh wait wait

wait I just gave it to

I just gave it to you you feel it yeah

yeah yeah oh yeah what is it he's the um

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I

know what he's a he lice oh I see oh

yeah yeah but but but not on top of

human head no no Noy no no not [ __ ] not

for a [ __ ] not for a [ __ ] either not a

[ __ ] not a [ __ ] no no no no no no it's

a it's a turd it's a turd it's a turd

it's a tur it's a turd creature it's

it's it's Eric

Griffin

dude I like that I like that Rudy said

you're [ __ ] [ __ ] Li yeah [ __ ] women

don't get lice do they get lice you guys

know about [ __ ] lice is that a real

thing

yeah crabs yeah don't no crabs and lice

are two different different lice is

super common tiny insects that look like

tiny versions of the crabs you see at

the beach they live on the skin and

coarse hairs people get pubic lice W no

way have you guys ever known anybody

that's got that no no but we used to

have so much sice on our hair when you

were kids really a lot

really picking it out yeah guess what

guess what Andrew and I never had it

never had it you know why shower it's

probably cuz you were elice in your old

life yeah yeah and then you died from

getting picked and you were born as

Bobby Lee oh wow picked on picked I get

it what wait how do you get lice out of

your hair I don't know I don't know roll

around the the dirt that was how you got

get more lice

yeah combing wet hair with a fine tooth

knit comb remove lice and some knits

there's something called knits yeah we

used to have a lot and like eggs and

like

everything the egg yeah the EG you

crawling and I bet your money I bet your

money you eat those too no yeah right

before it's about to hatch right you eat

it like B like little tiny ballute balls

we don't eat yeah little ball ball you

want some ballute with sprinkle of lice

yeah yeah right so basically so you get

the little eggs too up there mhm M yeah

so lice comes from eggs they lay them

they're just reincarnating on your head

oh that's interesting they so itchy yeah

yeah I bet a lot did they come from oh

imagine that that's awful oh it's awful

you never had lies no no we never have

Lies We don't ever get stuff like that

if you live in like a swampy area you

can get like uh if you go swimming and

you can get leeches ticks ticks and

leeches from the for from the woods yeah

you can get and ticks give you lime dis

disas you know what that is yeah you

guys have that over there no lime

disease but they have you have leeches

in the water don't you have leeches show

them a leech you don't have leeches at

all I've never seen one I've never seen

one oh they suck on your skin like that

they suck your blood they're little

vampires maybe Bobby was like that oh my

god oh really now I'm that too you

weren't a vampire you were a leach oh

really interesting she's saying before

before this was another life another

have I ever had a good life you 95 blow

I was a 95 Blowfish as a waiter and then

you were a leech where where was he a

leech was he working the Philippines oh

you Lee in the Philipp oh the

Philippines he wasn't working he was it

was wait wait wait I was a lazy vampire

leech no you were a homeless leech all

right so I didn't even want to work no

no you were just you guys go ahead you

guys go and suck the blood I'm just

going to sit here on the corner and beg

for [ __ ] you couldn't get any blood

you would beg for blood you'd sit all

the guys would go suck all day they'd

come home and you you got any blood no

one would give you speaking of blood I

was watching of Earth planet Earth yeah

right and there was an episode where

they have this little this island where

these Birch Birds right Birch bird a

birch Bird yeah and this tiny Island

there's not a lot of food and stuff

right so how do they eat they have these

gigantic seagulls that fly over there

right because they can't make it to the

mainland these little birds and what

they do is they jump on top of their

backs they poke them their back mhm and

they start drinking their blood w that's

kind of smart that is very smart yeah

and the [ __ ] those gigantic Birds

they don't even know what's going on

walking around like you know they don't

know wow they suck the blood out of

their backs to stay alive yeah vampire

Birch Birds maybe they're like zombies

they are like look at their eyes are

blood red oh so they drink blood see

right there zoom in that photo that's

cool and the Big Bird doesn't care no he

look at him he's like oh he just digs in

they dig end is unbelievable they're

just taking advantage of this other

Bird's blood but they don't ever eat

anything but blood I think there's

certain times of the year where they

can't get anything so they they they go

oh we'll go blood they just got to eat

blood is that unbelievable though look

at that do you even get full with blood

well I don't want you to try to find out

yeah depends on how much blood you drink

I'm sure you can you can get full off of

blood yeah yeah you never had blood no

oh someone's not in

Hollywood you never been to a restaurant

had baby blood you never had baby blood

you never been to a restaurant where

they offer you blood yeah no

it's you know what's so you know what's

so gross though is that bird uhuh that

little Blood Bird yeah I bet

you in a species format would outlive it

has outlived humans and will outlive

humans forever and they're sucking blood

yeah Meanwhile we're eating wendes and

[ __ ] Taco Bell but you know what

maybe we should be sucking blood to live

longer here's a concern though what if

the seagull's gay and he's

unprotected yeah he's dangerous blood

flies back that's right infects the

whole [ __ ] up now you bunch

bir

Birds you

know I saw this morning I was watching

The History Channel I love this stuff I

love the History Channel I love nature

and history me too do you like Ancient

Aliens I love anything that's ancient I

me

too nothing current no modern [ __ ] yeah

you like ancient like ancient old stuff

what's is there old [ __ ] like when you

in the Philippines is there like old

ruins that you can go go visit and stuff

they're not ruins but they are old

there's old [ __ ] mhm like old native

there's like there's no like Mayan

Temple well the Mayans wouldn't be there

I mean just some Temple that you guys I

don't think temples no you guys never

did buildings back in the day they are

they still don't have buildings now I

know let me go back to the five ruins go

back to the five the ruin that the

magical five ruins of the Philippines

you just were at yeah ruins of famous

ruins in the Philippines here we go here

we go Fortune Island oh the sunken

cemetery is cool though yeah what's

going on there oh yeah there's just that

that's a dope that's cool yeah wait

there's a cemetery that's that got

overtaken by water over the years that

sound like the Spaniards did this this

is from the Spaniards that's disgusting

I think this was because of a

volcano yeah the Spaniards we call them

volcano so Mount or that could be Aqua

Aquaman's family right there all dead

yeah sunken you guys cut that out that's

not even

funny I just throw things out and I go

why did I just say that sorry you guys

have never been here I've been there you

swam down there no we can't swim cuz

they say it's haunted so shut up it's

haunted there's so many graves there I

know oh really there the spirits have

you ever seen a ghost in the Water

Swimming doing a

backstroke you probably can't swim so

when there's someone swimming on top

they're going to try to reach on to you

to get back up in the air yeah oh so

we're booies yeah to [ __ ] ghosts they

drink the blood too but what happens if

a ghost catches you what happens in the

water it's not going to kill you it's

gonna drown you yeah oh just like in

Lord of the

Rings do you remember

no what what are you talking you

remember what are you talking about Lord

of the Rings yeah but when does he cut

when is someone underwat I think in the

third movie there's this swamp area and

Gollum tells Frodo not to look about the

Starry Eyes Shut the [ __ ] up do you

remember I'm not a nerd dude that I've

seen the movie before do you guys know

not know this right and so then froto

[ __ ] up and he stares at a looks into

the water looks into the water and

there's a kind of a dead glowy eye in

there but doesn't try to get him no but

then he goes into a trance oh right then

he falls into the [ __ ] swamp so they

and then all the [ __ ] ghosts in the

water are C try to grab him and guess

what the fat [ __ ] Sam right Dives in and

gets him he gets him always a fatty to

save the day no it was Gollum actually

it was a fat [ __ ] oh thank God was Samm

and the other guy gay yeah okay what

what no yeah yeah they were no they wer

gay dude it came out years later they

were

gay they were

mhm I didn't the internet it broke the

internet look it up yeah yeah with Sam

from Lord of the Rings gay is it because

they cried a lot on each other's arms

yeah that's what I thought yeah yeah

yeah well you know sometimes that

happens when you're about to die too the

fantasy science fiction author Maran

Zimmer Bradley wrote that froto and Sam

had the most intense love described in

the book told you yeah but it's not it's

the kind of love me and Andrew have no

no no no no yeah yeah yeah shut the [ __ ]

up hold up back up first of all the love

that you and I have pictures of my [ __ ]

are on your

hallway same thing as salmon froto

that's what I'm saying it's the love we

have yeah gay it's that gay that's I

some most guys would arue check it out

dude we go down to Alabama and talk

about our love no this is gay dude our

love is so that little Chinese and Irish

man are [ __ ] gay dude y'all seen them

CH that Chinese dude that love [ __ ]

redhead and Chinese

dude them dudes is gay dude they flirt

all the time he kissed his nut sack one

time I live stream I did I did but

that's not okay okay what you know I'm

can let me just explain myself real

quick and I want to be real not even in

a comedy way all right and I really

believe this okay okay I believe that

you and our our love is so intense right

that's on the edge of gay but it hasn't

crossed the line it's so close to gay

it's a Million Miles Away exactly so

what basically what I'm saying is is

that if you and I went on a journey much

like froto and Sam you're saying like a

date no well yeah a date Journey however

you want to say it right and we're

having meals out in the forest some call

it picnics okay you mean I just call it

second breakfast second breakfast yeah

right B2 yeah and you and I you know

what I mean at nights because it's cold

at night it is right cuz we're trying to

get the Mordor it's far away yeah what

do we do get naked and hug each other

but [ __ ] no we don't we don't butt [ __ ]

we don't butt [ __ ] dude we just get

naked we get naked and hold our body

body warmth and we're so comfortable

with each other right right but [ __ ] no

we don't but [ __ ] we don't we sleep of

all little spon's the little spoon come

on yeah and also can I just say I'm a

[ __ ] Ladle he's a he's a little like

a little baby spoon also the ring is so

dangerous that we we had wrap it around

Andrew's dick right and my butthole is

the

safe it has it has to turn and lock yeah

but that's not gay we're protecting the

ring that's why no one can pull me out

once I'm in and locked out and we sleep

right golems in the tree watching us

going look at these [ __ ] gay [ __ ]

right right but we do that right and

then in the morning when we go travel we

unlock and this and I I I do a little

sigh like

a you know I mean and then we go on our

Voyage again right every night we do the

[ __ ] routine lock the we lock we

locked the ring into the

safe right but that's not gay dude

that's just keeping the ring safe

I really commend you guys for keep yeah

but then when we get to the [ __ ] when

we get to the [ __ ] Mordor When we

arrive we're trying to throw it inh

right we both die yeah we both because

we forgot to unlock we just jump in

together yeah this is how we want to go

yeah yeah

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display collect your passions are you

sad that you're going to go home

tomorrow yeah I'm pretty sad when going

to come back to the states do you even

know no no it's undetermined MH wow yeah

last time you were here it was a year or

two ago a year a year God that's wild so

do you usually come every year though or

no um yeah lately once a year Well you

came for her birthday I remember that

yeah once a year is a good are you going

to end up moving here you said you

wanted to last time I want to I I think

she should come for college well you

still got to get through high school

first you never know if she might not

graduate but can we do the same program

I got good grade yeah can we do the same

same thing we did for you same program

well you came in high school right mhm

and we you left lived at my house you

came your senior year right junior

junior junior and we walked you through

high school why can't we do the same for

her I don't know you she can you want to

do that I guess but she she's going yeah

she doesn't want to so why don't you

finish High School dump your boyfriend

and then you can move to the States but

also we got white boyfriends here what

oh yeah you're

your boyfriend's Brown oh man we got

some we got UPG we got some some good

well he's not brown actually he's not

brown he's The Wider side of the

philippin I know but wait till you get

here wait till you see how white some of

these guys are it's unbelievable

unbelievable the skin is so dry top

whites top whites yeah

yeah and we also what would we have

blacks too we have everything really we

have everything here everything you ever

we have a more variety so why not let me

ask you something in the the Philippines

if you go to 31 Flavors you know what

that is they don't have that Baskin

Robins an ice cre oh Bas an ice cream

place right is there only one flavor

there no no we have all the flavors poop

yeah poop yeah yeah yeah welcome

poop yeah we have we have all the

flavors all the flavors we have every

single one you've ever dreamed of and

more she likes her boyfriend don't dump

your boyfriend have fun and then come

but move out here why why don't we do

that yeah yeah nah we had enough with

her what are you you mean well here's

the deal one comes in one's got to go so

you got to go back that's the deal

that's the fancy came in because someone

left that's the only reason work George

no no no I mean from the Spain he had

you when you come here from Spain you

have to send a Spaniard back to Spain

that's the only way it works it's it's

reciprocation you have to it is we're

full don't you listen to Donald Trump we

have too many yeah we're [ __ ] full

poisoning the blood yeah that's true

you're poisoning the blood of pure

Americans poisoning I'm not doing

anything yeah right your boyfriend right

is an American is he not yeah and if you

guys had a baby what happens Green Card

poison the blood but the blood's

poisoned no yeah yeah no no it's UPG I'm

not going to have kids I'm going to

abort it okay all right all right all

right okay she really is American yeah

you are American Jesus Christ Jesus

Christ what does that say schools in the

Philippines have a stricter management

they have they have stricter management

than the United States they have a

higher standard of Education than do

they really well that I'm not surprised

look at this [ __ ] country we're

upside down higher standard of Education

in the Philippines students are taught

well teachers are considered second

parents to the students wow are your

teachers like your parents mhm yeah it's

like best friends like you like you hug

them goodbye and stuff that's insane I

[ __ ] my teacher opposite yeah hated

hated them hated they hated me I [ __ ]

hated them hated them man we were bad

kids oh yeah but really bad what happens

with bad kids in the Philippines

I don't know there's not even a

detention yeah there's all detention

there's no detention there's no

suspension you just go talk to the the

principal or something yeah but that's

what does he say yeah stop being so bad

yeah yeah stop yeah be better cuz I

remember on the third grade someone

stabbed someone with a pencil right what

is it prison no it's their Sandy

Hook there was a mess steing today with

a number two

yeah and you know how hard those are to

acquire so he stabbed him with the

number two did he die nothing yeah I

don't know what happened but he was

still there he was still going to school

nothing happened that's a that is a and

that's a talked about thing wait wait a

so a student stabbed a teacher with a

pencil no not a teach a student stab

another student right what if that kid

still had the pencil his neck can't take

it out can't take it out he draws with

it very good what does that say though

you go back it's said there's never ever

been a school shooting in the

Philippines yeah the school shooting

stats are [ __ ] why can't we do this

they don't have guns that's right

there's no guns in the Philippines the

cops have guns of it's illegal to it's

access no but wait a minute the cops do

have guns though yeah yeah the cops

there's got to be some bad cops doing

bad [ __ ] though cops see the cops are up

to no good yeah there was one shooting

at aeno de Manila oh a ten de Manila

it's at a university yeah it's that is

that high school there no

College wow shooting at a college at the

is a good school think about this though

English is you know a second language to

them right of course but look how great

she speaks yeah we don't realize that

that's you know her language is her

native tongue and she can she can do

they're smarter than us I think that's

what they pay more attention to [ __ ]

yeah I wouldn't be able to tell the

difference I don't think would you if

she said she was born here they sound

identical yeah okay and she's been here

for much longer longer but you got yeah

but I think she has more of like a

American or something she has better

English than me cuz I feel like I still

have the accent well she's smarter than

you that's true yeah that's a big piece

of it hey can you guys like talk like a

valley girl oh yeah let's hear you talk

like yeah see she could do it that

sounds exactly exactly from that for the

next couple minutes just talk that way

say say say um say today I want what do

kids do the mall order order a coffee oh

yeah I'm so good at this coffee I did it

on purpose in the Philippines all let me

be this let me be the guy all hello hi

no let me okay sorry

sorry where are you at the Philippines

she's here we're here I I let's do it

like that cuz that's how I do it in the

Philippines I always purposely do

it that's not the

accent welc what's it what's the local

coffee shop called there yeah we don't

have one there's no local just Starbucks

only Starbucks or coffee bean welcome to

Coffee Bean box you can do bows bow

welcome to Bow can I take your order

please hi can I get a um can I get a

grande Macha latte please oh my God God

that's so [ __ ] that sounds exactly

like a valley yeah yeah all right Rudy

you try now it's Rudy's turn Okay

welcome to Coffee she's sitting up hi

can I get an iced vanilla latte you

sound like you that's you you [ __ ] you

need the Val yeah yeah yeah yeah you can

go far crazier yeah yeah there we go

get your body into it yeah wait wait

wait

wait Queen yes Queen

yeah can I get an ice vanilla latte oh

that's pretty good that's pretty good

yeah one with autism but

still yeah that's great this is so that

one's so good so good that really sounds

like if you close your eyes yeah uh say

um oh my God I lost my valet ticket oh

my God I lost my valet ticket that's oh

my god dude we got to get her an agent

When I close my eyes I I literally see

like a white chick I do too yeah that's

what some of my friends say cuz I do it

with my friend a lot and then it's

become like my accent kind of so wait

who taught you to where did you hear to

do it were you just from

online the internet but then I would

meet new friends on the internet and

they would think I would be a white girl

wow wow what a superpower you could

catfish I can yeah wow she be Queen wow

you should catfish has a white I have

catfished really I got money from it

wait tell us wait wait wait wait stop

yes the fake oh I have to tell you guys

something okay I have okay so you know

how you stalk people on Instagram right

no we don't don't heard people I st

people you mean you're saying look at

someone's in like an ex-boyfriend or

something like that yeah yeah but you

make another account it's like a Fina

you know what's a Fina a fake one yeah a

fake account I know what it is you st it

uhhuh I have a fake account cuz I saw a

real and it was like it was something

about like having a Fina right and so I

was like I'm going to make an Indian man

Fina so I have I'm I have an account

where I just act like an Indian man and

then I talked to my mom on it and oh

yeah I tried scamming her for an iPhone

15 and she replied to me no she did wait

a minute did your your you tried to

pretend that you were a guy interested

in dating your mom no I tried to scam

her cuz I can't I can't say the username

cuz everyone's going to know yeah don't

say it don't say it wait how did you get

money who gave you money oh no no I

didn't get money from that I got money

from Discord what did you do on Discord

to get money I would I would pretend to

be like a really cute Japanese girl and

they would give me like Nitro and like

one time I got Minecraft but then when I

stopped talking to them he took it away

I was so mad how much money did can can

you get on Discord um I didn't get money

money I got

things that could buy from that you

could buy with money wow it's crypto

basically crypto yeah yeah yeah that's

amazing now what you dude you need to be

a a full-time scam artist we need yeah

yeah why not but could do you do an

Indian accent or no no I can't okay yeah

but you should really think about being

a full-time scam no one's a criminal

anymore like that a professional

criminal that's not out to like hurt

people physically yeah but a

professional scammer that great that

dude dream big Dre big dream [ __ ] big

think about it there's some old guy

right now there's some really old guy

right whose wife died years ago he's got

six or seven million doar he doesn't

know what to do you could steal from

that guy yeah yeah he could be dead soon

you could steal from that guy I'd

support

that cuz the money is going to you guys

anyways it's going to my family that's

right that's right so you should support

it right that's very good all right ins

get in here I get get in here now yeah

yeah that's amazing you know what's so

funny though I don't know um uh Carnegie

you guys don't you know who Carnegie is

no Carnegie was one of America's richest

men right and Carnegie believed that if

you die rich you're a soulless man so he

gave away look at up look up how much

money Carnegie gave away at the end of

his life this

guy gave away most of his fortune at the

end and he believed to influence other

rich people to to be philanthropic it

was kind of the turn of the century he

he was like should give away he

distributed 350 million and had 30

million left which went to corporation's

endowment fund towards other things he

pacifist had a single goal achieving

World Peace So Carnegie believed if you

die with money you're kind of a sucker

so he tried hard to give away all of his

money imagine being Carnegie's son yeah

[ __ ] dad I got [ __ ]

$10 a bus ticket yeah yeah yeah I'd be

so pissed well this influenced this

influenced um many other rich rich

families richer than him to do the same

thing which was kind of interesting I

watched the whole thing about this it

was [ __ ] insane but he was but

because the the amount of wealth

acquired by him uh was equal I think

they had said at the time was equal to

like $62 billion that he ended up like

lording over and then realized it was

worthless he couldn't do anything with

it wow he had too much money more money

than anybody we ever have seen today

because what's our richest guy on Earth

today has like upwards of 12 20 billion

something like that Elon Musk Elon Musk

is not in the 200 oh my holy [ __ ]

[ __ ] [ __ ] that's a lot I didn't know it

was in the hundreds of billions that's a

lot he is the only person who also lost

200 billion and got it back he's also

Bobby's age what wow oh oh you're saying

I'm a failure no he's just saying

failure that's a pretty big gap of

achievement I know I know I know but

think about this is my point what the

[ __ ] is he going to do with $229 billion

give it to us he should he should you

listening here Elon can you imagine I

watched your podcast genas Khan all

these guys sick trillionaires who lived

on Earth and reached the Pinnacle genas

Khan Akbar the Great wow you do that

though just give out all your money when

like you're dying already you should if

you're dying what the [ __ ] are you going

to do with it you should give it all

away when you're dying yeah if you're

dying you should spend a lot have fun

how do you know when you're going to die

I think if you reach an age when you're

like yeah hey man it's probably soon

still you still don't you're you're like

in hospice right and you're getting all

the treatment you're you know the rich

man treatment mhm right when do you do

it the day the day before well I don't

think it's like an immediate death no I

just want to know man on your deathbed

you push the button right you go okay

all you can draft up a [ __ ] living

will and then in your living will says

oh I see that's what I would do yeah on

my final but right now I cuz when I'm

alive on Earth I still want all of it

well you don't want all of it no to the

end and then when I'm dead then go bad

boy no not not bad boy cuz you're going

to still you're just like G con that's

right I am [ __ ] it you should give it

away I will when I die once I'm no

longer conscious and here yeah then I'm

going to I'll have it all worked out

with my lawyers who would be the most

unlikely person that you would give

money to when you die my mom oh my God

there's so many you're going to give

people money that you know like don't

deserve it or you don't like anymore

just be just to like show them up or

something well you know what that's cool

I you know what I would do I would give

people money and just go listen dude I

you're a [ __ ] jackass while I would

here and a complete other [ __ ]

[ __ ] and I [ __ ] every time I hear

your name or saw you I wanted to vomit

all right but dude here's a million

dollars that's like the best revenge is

that cool yeah that would be a cool way

to say [ __ ] you [ __ ] off have you ever

heard the Adam Sandler story um about

Adam Sandler was at NYU and college and

drama school I might be misquoting but

and I guess one of the professors took

him out for a beer and the professor was

like you don't have it you just don't

I'm sorry but you just like don't have

it like I like I you're such a great guy

but like you got to find another thing

dude like this is not going to work out

comedy no no yeah well acting and comedy

and everything oh wow wow wow and then

you know Adam was obviously like well

[ __ ] that I'm not going to stop and the

guy was like I'm just telling you I just

don't think this is your going to be

your lifelong career wow right and then

at the height of Adam's career wow when

he's like Tip Top I guess he's in a bar

with a bunch of friends yeah and sees

this this professor as there wow right

and an opportunity to go up to him and

what endless of possibilities what would

you do well hold on let me finish it

does but this how this is this is what

kind of guy Sandler is I love it I love

it he walks up to the professor with his

friends and says hello to him his

professors says hi and he turns to his

friends and he says you know what this

was the only Professor that bought me a

beer oh and then introduced him to his

friends and that was that I know class

talk about a grade a classy guy Sandler

CL what a [ __ ] cool [ __ ] dude he

could have done so many smart assy

things not rude but like he could have

been like I guess it worked out you know

mean professor remember that's the thing

Prof remember Adam Sandler no does he

remember saying that to Al if you took a

guy out for a beer for sure you remember

this wasn't in class if he was like

Bobby uh next next time the scene is got

to be no no no he took him out just him

and him for a beer one-on-one to tell

him he doesn't think this should he

should continue he remembers I I I when

and after Adam SEL said that I would

love the professor to double down and be

like still not working out or it's like

once that Netflix deal is done you're

[ __ ] you're tough or you you won the

lottery you know that oh oh oh you that

right like you still have you're garbage

you still don't have any Talent yeah

right you would double down no no I

don't know what would you say to the

professor I there's got to be people in

your life that the beginning your comedy

career were like you're not you're not

going to make it in comedy or they said

something around I I had one incident

like that what well I just bloop his

name out an agent his name is MHM from I

know who he is you do yeah so uh Abby

sent me a um a meeting with him and

we're and we're sitting there I'm in his

office and he looks at me at across from

the desk and he goes yeah I just you're

not going to work and I go not going to

get work is what yeah I go what do you

mean he's like you're funny but it's

like

you're just never going to work and I go

oh and he goes I just don't see it wow

and I go okay and I remember tears

rolling up in my eyes no and I then we

took the elevator down together no me

and Abby oh was say how weird and my

manager was like um it's okay see we'll

find somebody else right and I'm like I

just don't like it's pointless why you

know mhm and then years later I was on

mad and David Salman the owner of mad

goes um hey Bobby come into my office

like Windows off and he goes um I need a

Hispanic guy as an actor on the show

we've just we had Nelson and Scio but

it's been years ago so I go Johnny

Sanchez yeah he's my friend yeah so he

goes who is that and I kind of educated

him and I called Johnny and I helped

Johnny through the auditioning process

he got the

show but his

agent wow right so now we're at the

first live right and I'm at video

Village and it's Johnny he played Joker

one of his characters and it was front

of an live studio audience and I'm

sitting at V video Village and because

I'm so nervous for Johnny to because I

want him to hit a home run MH and I I

feel a presence right here and it's it

it's a

smell yeah not a presence it's a smell

yeah right and I look and I go you I

like I see my Peri and I go back to the

monitor I go like I do one of those mhm

and I turn around he locks eyes and he's

smiling and I go hey man and I hugged

him wow hey congratulations on Johnny

I'm so happy for him that is a class

he's like thanks for but then I regret

that why every single day no I should

have done something different probably

that's a classy move yeah yeah class I

think at the end of the day you

fantasize about all these things but

your your true self comes out yeah in

those situations and you go who gives a

[ __ ] cuz your heart is really good yeah

who gives a [ __ ] but I've had have you

had a moment like that oh dude when I

was a PA when I first moved out here

there was a

person who was a super powerful

executive and uh I wasn't a big fan he

just was pretty diminutive the way he

spoke I was young anyway but he they

treated us like [ __ ] back in the day

Hollywood they if you were a PA dude

they might as well pissed on you in the

mornings like they [ __ ] you were dog

[ __ ] and when I finally went to quit

because I was quitting to go try to do

comedy really like

full-time and uh I had to say it to one

of these people and somebody else and uh

I'm being very vague on purpose but but

the guy but I said when after I put in

my two weeks or whatever the [ __ ] he

walked down the hallway because we were

going on the same way and he turned to

me he's like you really think this com

you're going to do this comedy thing huh

oh God and I said I mean I really

believe like I really want to give it a

chot and he was like hm you know most

people don't make it and I was like no

no no I understand that and L but like I

have to try and he goes yeah and he kind

of like stood there for a second and he

looked me in the face and he goes good

luck but it wasn't good luck as in good

luck there's a way to say good luck this

when I learned the phrasing the

intonation of a word matters he

literally went good luck like you're

[ __ ] it sounded like you're [ __ ]

instead of hey man good luck different

right no this was good luck good luck

like [ __ ] off good yeah and it hurt me a

little bit cuz I was bummed and I was

like

God these [ __ ] they they think

I'm dog [ __ ] and I was out every night

doing shows two shows a night just add

something real quick real quick yeah

those little things too because we're so

Comics are extra sensitive of course

that we we we we replay those things in

our head oh I see his [ __ ] face yeah

they they just last a long time forever

they're forever eded in your I don't

know my mom's middle name but I remember

that guy's [ __ ] face saying that I I

know and then years later okay uh I was

at an

event and I had gotten on uh I'm dying

up here like I just booked the show and

it was like in the headlines of like Jim

Carrey produces you know handpicks Jim

handpicked us yeah you know and I was at

an event and he was there working for a

company and I'm blah blah blah blah blah

and uh he he's there next to me and

other people he's in this group setting

and I see him kind of looking over at me

waiting to say something and I and I'm

like and I wonder what this [ __ ]

love talking and talking and talking and

he turns to me and he goes Andrew

congratulations uh on the show and I

said I'm I'm

sorry wait wait wait no there's no way I

said I'm no there's no way you did that

I'm sorry I'm sorry what I'm sorry what

say your say your name again oh and I go

I'm just kidding I'm just [ __ ] around

oh oh very good it was a nice it was

just to [ __ ] around no but you still had

that little yeah it was a joke you had a

dager dagger and then he and then he

kind of chuckled at it shook my hand he

said very proud of you like happy before

I said thanks a lot man yeah thank you

so much and then I kind of broke off and

went to get a drink but it felt so good

cuz I wasn't mean I was just joking it

was clear I was kidding but I went to

get a drink and man I got [ __ ] wasted

excited just drinking at a party it's

like look at me [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah it

felt it just felt like do you think he

remembers probably not yeah probably not

because I don't think that's my guy

remembered no they probably don't yeah

they don't remember hurting your

feelings no I have another story give

another one but it's not about that it's

more about like it's kind of that how if

you're nice something happens yeah so I

was working the back door I've never

shared this story before good and I

because it's one of those stories where

it's like I just

feel it's too magical almost too perfect

it's a magical story give it you want to

hear

magic how about you [ __ ] like magic

you guys like magical stories love

magic so I I I don't want to name any

names but I was working the back door of

the comedy store and at that time I had

no bank account I had no money at all I

had maybe 15 bucks in my

pocket and I remember Jason gler you

know Jason right he going he's like you

know I'm you know what I like about you

B you're nice to people even though

you're completely struggling and things

are bad

I I know calling it out yeah so one

night I was working there and I see this

lady in the parking lot and this is when

The Comedy Store nobody wanted to go

there was

shootings right and it was just got a

bad vibe to it yeah and I see this lady

she was wearing like a power suit she

looked like a businesswoman mhm she

didn't look like she belonged right so I

walked up to her and I go excuse me

ma'am um can I help you and she goes I

just [ __ ] hate this club I don't know

how to get in here

you know mean I'm seeing somebody you

know I mean I'm an agent right and I and

I go okay um come here follow me I go to

the back door and I go just come into

the I'll get you mit's seat and I go do

you want to wine and she goes I would

love some wine I go what would you like

I I bought it cuz they didn't get it

give it to me for free you paid for it I

paid for her wine wow right gave her a

wine she saw whoever she needed to see

and when she was leaving she goes what's

your name name and I go Bobby Lee she go

you do comedy huh I go yeah I mean I'm

I'm do okay I'm about to do premium

blend or something I don't know you know

what I mean that was a big deal yeah

yeah and she goes

okay and then a coule she leaves the

agency that she's at and now she's at

Fox right and I'm auditioning for

mad right and so at the end the final

audition for the test it was between me

and Taran kilum

and I'm sitting and they I and all

everyone's telling me you're not going

to get it taran's getting it right

because they want a white guy and they

only have one spot but they're you're

just the

option right [ __ ] so I'm sitting they're

like I don't think I'm going to get it

oh and I walk into the room and as I

walk into the room cuz Taran had just

left I see the sea of Executives cuz at

that time when you tested you had to

test in front of live the [ __ ] worse you

have to audition for the executives and

the president and they're just sitting

in a room staring at and I already know

I'm not going to get it so they're just

like right but as I walk in that lady

walks in with me the fox lady the lady

that I helped in the parking lot mhm and

then they go some of the anxi goes hey

what are you doing here she's not even

supposed to be there she goes oh I'm

here to see his

audition wow and they go oh and as soon

as I left the room I got a call I got it

wow you can't say her name but how Wild

yeah powerful do you still keep in touch

with her don't no

no no I don't I don't know what I think

she got out of the business or whatever

but my point is is that she's at home

right now watching this being like I'm

still in the

business yeah yeah but I just remember

that that's powerful yeah yeah yeah just

be nice you guys got any cool uh Biz

stories no

no Biz stories no are you not not no Biz

stories no Rudy because of the success

of you on the show have you ever gotten

offered anything on the online like has

anybody said they want you for something

no nothing I'm shocked I'm shocked too I

would assume somebody would reach out

and be like hey I want you to be a part

of this thing yeah yeah no well listen

here uh directors writers and producers

we'd love you to cast Rudy in something

Ora or even Isa now well issa's issa's

gonna be fine oh yeah we're worried

about this one also if Issa you come

back and you live here maybe you could

be part of the family she is a part of

the family I mean but do this you know

what I mean regularly yeah

no yeah maybe not maybe no yes of course

of course of course I want to talk about

Joe koi

okay I do but can I put on some

chapstick yeah yeah will you do um sexy

music while I do this okay go

ahead I love joeoy what the [ __ ] I said

put on some do some sexy music while I

do this oh oh you want me to aquapella

yeah cuz he's going to zoom in on my

face right now doing go

ahead

all right Jo Koy all right Jo Koy I'm

not

done um all right so what do you want to

say about jooy what I want to say is is

that um I thought he did a good job at

the golden glub tell you why Joseph

Joseph Joseph he had you guys know Joe

Koy don't you he did had 10 days to do

this thing right it was a risk he did

the best he could I thought that um they

didn't do any him any favors in editing

life okay no but what I'm saying is

editing like cutting into the audience

and seeing some reactions that that's

what I meant oh right right right

understand that's what I meant okay all

right they didn't do any favors for him

and it's cut into the person he's

mentioning go ahead finish with no I I I

don't want to go no finish your I don't

want to continue please please I want to

hear you V you're really you're really

on my last

nerve um and I want no I honestly want

to believe I what I'm saying is is

that dude you're so [ __ ] rude rude

you're so [ __ ] rude and so funny so

funny okay go ahead yeah I what I want

to say is that you know I um because

I've known Joe since the may I I didn't

say what the [ __ ] I didn't say anything

I think you made a noise I took a breath

don't I hear you breathing into the mic

all the time okay sorry

sorry you've known Joe for a long time

yeah and what I'm saying is is that he's

a hardw worker he's an extraordinary

performer and it was like a difficult

circumstance he was in 10 days to take

this gig onh what I'm saying is is that

you know I love him he's such a talented

guy he's but here's the thing that

people don't get he's a super kind guy

too and so I just thought you know by I

rewatched it and I was just like you

know what dude he I think he did a great

job you washed it again I did did Barbie

win this

time anyway Oppenheimer didn't we my my

um he got a lot of flack online my heart

goes out to him I love him so much and

he will be he'll be back and he's never

going to go away and he's going to kill

it and well nothing changed for him he's

a standup yeah that's true anyway leten

you want a game yeah okay we'll do Ry

news yeah we want to see how how good

you would be in the business if you uh

if you were in the business okay okay

all right so so the Rhythm would

be right so try

it hi I'm Rudy Jes and welcome to Rudy

News perfect very

good first tonight a manila man named

Hernando Guan Lao turns his house into a

library and local patrons are forever

grateful public libraries are rare in my

country for students Clare m ooy and

Jane rain ven M Nani liy is a

significant Aid in their

[Music]

studies and said thank you Hernando

that's it with Rudy

new

again that's it with Rudy News I'm Rudy

jwes good night can

I it's not you you great you did great

who did the

writing it's just not funny was it

supposed to be

funny it's a new they're real news

stories yeah but I thought at one point

it was going to get crazy in it yeah and

funny and

funny yeah we need a writer yeah but you

are he is a comedy writer yeah it's just

the news I know but I I know I what we

assumed you were going to do was take

the news and interject insanely wild

[ __ ] well I thought it was already funny

the way it was well you're wrong just

the regular news you don't take your

headphones off yeah what what's that

move me mad at Bobby are you going to

make him use you're going to make him

[ __ ] use be nice sober dude I'm dude

I'm so happy for your sobriety than and

I I know you did your best but as a

comedy writer yeah yeah I just I was

waiting for like it could to get so

crazy that we would all be like laughing

you copy and pasted the news well just

the quotes because I can't write that

yeah yeah yeah yeah you copy and paste

it though not completely I was reading

it and then writing it out myself too it

wasn't plagiarized like I thought you

was going to go shading you know what I

mean and just crazier words you know I

mean show Bob that video then show the

video that you that I sent you for

having me and I'm very excited to pitch

a degree fre that one's tough that's a

tough one I'm looking forward to go back

to that real fast that one's the

toughest part a tough one where you

excited to pitch at both having me and

I'm very excited to pitch a degree

okay since he woke up that morning he

was repeating wigg wigg Wiggly Field

wigg field and the driver is like Wiggly

Field and he's like Wiggly peeled wi

Wiggly peels that's a mean okay keep

going they don't make us do that when we

go over there what do you mean you know

when like basketball players go play

overseas they don't have to [ __ ] like

learn the language to do a press

conference that's so hard is there a

word in Japanese that Americans can't

say that's all of them

everything we can't speak Japanese well

like give me like a little Japanese M I

think I can do ITA Isa yeah Issa could

do it you can speak Japanese yeah oh

that's right you were learning it last

time yeah yeah what's give speak some

Japanese say hey I'm so excited to be

here in Los Angeles

America that's it they really can they

really do everything really more

efficient than us don't they you can

say that's I'm excited to be here in Los

Angeles but

saying is like I'm so so like very over

like exited in a way that it's like

sexual really really goo say say say it

again I want to do that I want to try to

repeat that yeah let's see can you do it

absolutely not okay do it again try it

again I'm so excited that's good just to

say I'm so excited to be here just say

to be here yeah I'm

yeah nope I have Coco I have Coco that's

it I have Coco that's

it

that's it Coca-Cola one more time one

more

time so

hard I don't understand how that's so

hard to do as as a 15-year-old young

person as you're starting to come

into looking forward into like you're

not a little kid you're not a grown

grownup do you start to see the world in

a way where you're thinking about what

you might want to do in the world what

your contribut what do you think you

want to do in the world I don't know but

do but does anything interest you like

that are you like you know what I would

do for a job would be fun I should be a

scam artist yeah that's true we did say

that on this show yeah I think that was

bad to influence her to do that but yeah

but Izzy what do you want to do what

would be fun to be as your life I should

be a realtor okay what yeah yeah yeah no

she could sell a

us a house this is my wife this is my

wife babina okay hi hi

hiina what a beautiful house mhm very

beautiful this was picked especially for

you wow wow what do you mean we just we

literally just came here an open house

no you're supposed to you're supposed to

tell me what you want and then send no

it says open

house know that I'm babina this is my

Felipe I'm Felipe that's babina my wife

yeah so just so you instant know that

this is our house wow yeah I can feel it

from your bones you can feel B bone

energy what do you Army Hammer what's

wrong with our bones leave our bones out

of this yeah yeah um so miss what's your

name oh um babina what you're you you

have the same name as my wife [ __ ]

crazy no that's how I knew that you

wanted this house can I see your ID real

quick oh my God sweetie look it is Bab

look it is babina wow okay Miss well how

many bedrooms and how many bathrooms are

this in this has six bedrooms wow that's

a lot that's yeah that's a lot how many

bathro how many bathrooms four bathrooms

six and four that's not bad how many how

many square feet

um you know the property you've been

here all day how many square feet

around as as much as you would want it

to be what would that be what would that

be the specific number because how many

do you think cuz we do have we have

certain C

furniture let's ask um my partner no no

no no no P wait you have another partner

named Pina no her name's

Pina hiina hiina oh she's deaf oh she's

oh she's a mute mute I mean she's mute

all right so babina how many square feet

do you think it is just guess cuz it

maybe

around just throw out a number throw out

a number there okay 10 10 square ft wow

so six wait wait wait excuse me for a

second can I ask

something six bedrooms four bathrooms in

10 square ft this is insane this is how

they do it in the Philippines in the

Philippines wow these rooms are so small

this is

unbelievable well how big is the the lot

around it how many square feet is the

lot that we're on 20 so 20 squet so

double double the yeah so wow wow how

much is it how much is that how much is

this house well do you want to around do

you want around pesos or well dollars

would be preferred inates yeah and

around 30 mil 30 square feet of land oh

my God six bedroom Four B in 10 wow wow

30 million 30 million we got to kind

call our accountant I don't know if we

can afford yeah well can can you can you

explain to me the school system cuz we

have six kids yeah oh what kind of

schools are in the

area well the one near us actually had a

shooting so I wouldn't recommend that

one maybe the the other closest one

would be around 2 hours away two hours

well wow I think you're selling us yeah

I think you're selling it we do we do

want to be away from everything how

about crime yeah what's the crime rate

out here a lot a lot like tell me tell

us I'm much $30 million house in a high

crime area yeah 10 square ft crime no

school six by six bed four bath six bed

four bath wow wow there are actually a

lot of people that would try to carry

your house so you might be you might

want to be careful of that carry it oh

so it's portable portable so this is on

Wheels it's a portable house we are

buying a portable $30 million house in a

bad neighborhood that they can carry huh

like huh what's is there HOA fees is

there any what does that cost you know

what the HOAs are over here no what do

you think oh there isn't any or there

are some

cuz it says there's HOA right on the

flyer yeah are would that be a mon a

month a month a month maybe half 30 mil

so oh so 15 15 million a month 15 mil so

15 million let me get

this we h a 15 million a month month wow

what a deal that's pretty good that's

pretty does that provide security of

some kind yeah of course there's

actually there's actually poopina

outside oh so comes with the she comes

with the house comes with the house with

the house wow and and but she can't talk

so if something bad happens she can't

talk and fight so she would try to sign

the the robber she would sign the robber

go away beware okay

dog okay I see all right so are there

any other offers on this house cuz we

might be interested yeah yeah are there

competitors out there or people trying

to buy this house there's a lot of

people who want lot of competi you might

want to buy it now wow oh so people want

to buy right now I see what percentage

down payment do you require to buy this

what percent yeah around 90 90% down

payment so we need up around $25

million do we have 25 of liquid money we

do we do I know I don't know if this is

that's all we that's our we have though

25 million 15 million a month so that's

million a month that's a lot for ho

wowow okay okay I can I be honest with

you yeah I think you got a future in

real estate yeah I do I do that's great

uh all right so look we're happy you're

back we're sad you're leaving we hope

when you come back you come see us yeah

you know you know how we end the the we

log off the show so you want to say it

thank you for being a bad friend

[Music]

amazing

wo yeah

a