Would I Lie to You S17 E5. Non-Uk viewers. 26 Jan 24

Summary

The transcript details a comedy panel show where contestants make outrageous claims and their opponents must determine if they are truths or lies. Comedians Jessica Hynes, Romesh Ranganathan, and Lee Mack compete by making absurd statements about their lives, like Jessica supposedly doing animal noises for a documentary or Lee accidentally shooting someone's wife while clay pigeon shooting. Their fellow panelists question the stories' plausibility and logic to deduce if they are factual or made up. The show features humorous banter and clever storytelling as the panelists concoct elaborate fictional tales or reveal unbelievable truths about themselves for the entertainment of the studio audience.

Takeaways

• 😀 It's a comedy panel show called Would I Lie To You?, where panelists share unusual stories that may be truths or lies.
• 😆 Contestants try to spot whether the stories told by opposing team members are truths or lies.
• 🎤 Jessica claimed her first voiceover job was making animal noises for a Yorkshire farm documentary.
• 🎭 Wilfred claimed he had to walk home in his swimming trunks when his clothes were stolen.
• 🚪 Jessica said a man painted her front door with 73 bottles of nail polish.
• 🤐 Romesh said a man told him off for discussing his private parts on a podcast.
• 😳 David claimed he had to borrow a stranger's fingers to order food because his touch screen wasn't working.
• 🎯 Lee claimed he shot a clay pigeon shooting club owner's wife in the knee by accident.
• 🤥 Many of the stories turned out to be lies made up for the show.
• 🤼‍♀️ David's team ended up scoring more points than Lee's team.

Q & A

What is the name of the TV show featured in this transcript?

The show is called 'Would I Lie To You?'.

Who are the team captains of the two teams competing on the show?

The two team captains are David Mitchell and Lee Mack.

What is the format of the 'Home Truths' round that opens the show?

In the 'Home Truths' round, each panelist reads out a statement from a card they've never seen before. The opposing team has to guess if it's a truth or a lie.

What topic did Romesh discuss about Kai on his podcast?

Romesh discussed seeing pictures of Kai's private parts after he had a vasectomy, which upset Kai and his wife.

How did Jessica decorate her front door, according to her statement?

Jessica said her front door was painted by Kai using 73 bottles of nail varnish.

What excuse did David give for needing to borrow Kai's fingers?

David claimed he couldn't use the touchscreen to order food at McDonald's late at night, so he needed to borrow Kai's fingers.

What allegedly happened to Lee at his clay pigeon shooting club?

Lee claimed he accidentally shot the owner's wife Betty in the knee during a clay pigeon shooting session.

What recurring element is there in the statements made by the panelists?

Many of the questionable statements involve Kai in some form.

What is the aim of the 'This Is My' round where Kai appears?

In that round, the aim is for the opposing team to identify which panelist is telling the truth about their connection to Kai.

What transpires at the end of the show?

It's revealed that Lee's team scored 1 point and David's team scored 4 points.

Outlines

00:00

😄 Introducing the panelists and format of the comedy show

The host introduces the panelists - Romesh Ranganathan, Jessica Hynes, Gina Yashere and Wilfred Webster. He explains that they will play rounds involving reading statements and the opposing team has to determine if it's a truth or a lie.

05:00

😯 Jessica's animal voiceover lie and Gina's school trip truth

Jessica claims her first voiceover job was providing animal noises for a Yorkshire farm documentary, which is revealed to be a lie. Gina admits to faking a school trip to France to travel there independently, which is true.

10:02

🤨 Wilfred's stolen clothes lie from a Cyprus swimming pool

Wilfred claims his clothes were stolen from a locker at his Cyprus hotel swimming pool last year, forcing him to walk back to his room in just his trunks. After confusion over the story, it is revealed to be a lie.

15:03

😮 Kai is introduced as Romesh's mortified podcast mate

A mystery guest named Kai is introduced. Jessica, Romesh and David all claim relations with him. Romesh says Kai was angry about having his vasectomy discussed on Romesh's podcast. Kai confirms he is the mortified podcast mate.

20:03

🍔 David's late night McDonald's finger borrowing lie

David claims he couldn't operate the McDonald's touch screen late at night after a book launch, so he borrowed Kai's fingers to help order. His odd explanations lead the team to determine it's a lie.

25:03

❌ Lee's clay pigeon shooting injury lie is uncovered

Lee claims he accidentally shot a clay pigeon range owner's wife named Betty in the knee next week, and will appear before a disciplinary panel. The lack of specifics and changing story makes the team doubt it, and Lee admits it's a lie.

Keywords

💡Game show

The video script is for a game show called 'Would I Lie To You?'. Game shows involve contestants competing by answering questions or performing challenges. In this show, the contestants make statements which the opposing teams have to determine are truths or lies. This format drives much of the comedic dialogue and banter between the panelists.

💡Panelists

The panelists are the contestant team members on the show. They are comedians and entertainers like Romesh Ranganathan and Jessica Hynes. The panelists read out statements about themselves, which may be truths or lies. Their comedic skills allow them to make up elaborate fictional stories or deadpan deliver truths.

💡Home Truths

This is a round on the show where each panelist reads a statement from a card in front of them, and claims it is a fact about themselves. The opposing team has to guess if it is really a truth about the panelist or a fabricated lie.

💡Improv

When panelists make up fictional stories on the spot to fool the opposing team, they are using improvisational comedy skills. Their ability to invent absurd scenarios or add funny details demonstrates comedic improv talent.

💡Quickfire Lies

In this rapid final round, each panelist delivers a short statement about themselves which may be a lie. The opposing team has to quickly assess if it is true or false based on the delivery and content.

💡Banter

There is lively, comedic back-and-forth dialogue between the panelists as they challenge each other's statements and joke around. This bantering enhances the humorous, unpredictable tone of the show.

💡Bluffing

Panelists will often engage in elaborate bluffing, selling even the most absurd lies as truths to mislead the opposing team. Their ability to keep a straight face while bluffing is part of the act.

💡Teasing

Good-natured teasing and mocking between the panelists is part of the show's fun. They poke holes in each other's stories, exaggerating details for comic effect to draw laughs from the audience.

💡Scoring

There is a scoring system, with points awarded for correctly identifying truths and lies. This adds a competitive, game show element as the teams try to rack up points by seeing through the other team's statements.

💡Twists

Unexpected twists like the 'This Is My' mystery guest round change up the format to keep the show entertaining. These twists catch both the panelists and audience off guard.

Highlights

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Our findings elucidate the molecular events underlying this disease process and nominate promising new targets for drug development.

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The researchers invented an elegant assay to resolve this long-standing controversy and advance understanding.

Transcripts

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with barefaced lies

and well-masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

straight outta Crawley,

it's comedian Romesh Ranganathan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she is the Bafta-winning star of all your favourite sitcoms,

it's Jessica Hynes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

the British comic who's conquered America, it's Gina Yashere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a man who knows all about telling lies on television,

from The Traitors, it's Wilfred Webster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,

and Jessica is first up tonight.

OK.

My first-ever voice-over job was making extra pig, sheep

and horse noises for a documentary about a Yorkshire farm.

I need an example.

Oh, you're straight in there, Wilfred.

Yeah, I need to hear. Let's hear 'em!

Well, let's start with a pig.

We're jumping in, let's have a little bit of context. Sorry.

All right, then. When was it?

'90...

Whatever. Do a pig. '93.

OK, first of all, did you say it was a documentary?

Yeah, a documentary about a Yorkshire farm.

Was there a strike on with the pigs and the cows at the time?

Why didn't they provide the noises?

I can't tell you why.

All I can tell you is, for some reason, the sound was not good...

Right. ..and they didn't know what to do, so...

Before you came into the studio, did they say,

"Do you have any expertise in animal noises?"

She asked me if I would do it

and because I wasn't doing any acting work I was like, "Yes!"

But it's a risk to ask you to turn up in the hope that you can do a...

Most people can do a pig or a sheep. She asked me and I was like, "Yes!"

It's hardly turning you into Jim Carrey, is it? Rob, Rob,

the one thing I've learned about you is if you can impersonate it,

you'd have done it.

And I've never heard you do a pig or a sheep

or whatever the other one was.

I wonder how it would be if we went down to the farm and we found

Ronnie Corbett at the farm.

MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT: Well, what a wonderful surprise.

Pigs and sheep aplenty.

Were they directing you?

Were they like, "Can you give it a bit more piglet?" Like...

Well, sort of, but it was more like trying to match what the

animals were doing in vision with sound that they didn't have,

so it's kind of like...

SHE SNORTS

..sort of snuffling.

THEY EXCLAIM

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK.

That was good. That is good. OK.

Right. Now let's hear the sheep.

Some people think a sheep is just "mah,"

but it isn't, it's "ma-aa-aa-ah" or, you know...? That's a sheep,

"ma-aa-aa-ah, ma-aa-aa-ah." Sheep noises begin with a B, famously.

There's a song about it. No, no, do you know why you say that?

Because you're English, you see. And because I'm...

Half sheep? ..partially Welsh in my heritage...

Oh, you ARE half sheep.

Rob, it's true! Back me up here!

HE BLEATS GRUFFLY

Whoa!

No, that's goat. Yeah. That's a goat.

APPLAUSE

I don't think they agree with you, sir.

It was a goat. That was a goat.

The sheep is just looking round on a lovely summer's day,

what do you do? Erm, well, just...

Probably be quiet, I would say. All right, when he's...

ROMESH LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

All right, good point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But the noise that I had the most difficulty with was horse,

and so that's when I was just really fudging it...

So they asked you if you could do a horse? Yeah, and...

Did you say "nay" and they went...?

And they went, "That's absolutely perfect, come in tomorrow."

So, Will, what do you think? Is she telling the truth?

I think she's telling the truth.

Wow. Do you? I'm not very...

Listen, I was good at lying,

I wasn't good at finding liars, I never had to do that, OK?!

So I don't know.

Why did you accept the booking, then, mate?!

Gina?

You know what? I believe her.

Do you? I don't know why.

I could feel the awkwardness coming over as she was telling the story.

I mean, she could be a really good actor. She has won Baftas.

Well, excuse me!

We know that she is!

I'm so...

Gina! Gina!

I'm so sorry.

We had no idea when we booked her that there would be

that level of... David, console her.

So sorry.

GINA: I'm going to lean, I'm going to lean truth.

True? Yeah, true.

True. All right, my team say true.

OK, they're going for true.

Jessica, animal noises in the early days of your career,

truth or lie?

Lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Jessica didn't make animal noises for a documentary.

Gina, you're next.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I once faked a school trip to fool my mum into letting me go to France.

David's team.

So you faked a school trip?

Faked a school trip.

How? What did you say?

My mother was extremely strict.

Mm-hm. Never let me go anywhere or do anything.

I was 17, I wanted to go to France.

I was studying A-level French, so I tricked her into thinking

it was imperative for me to go on this trip.

I'd have thought if it was an educational thing,

most mums would be all for it, wouldn't they?

That's the point she's just made.

No.

My mother was super overprotective of us, like,

she didn't let us go anywhere.

She had a scrapbook of bus and train crashes...

LAUGHTER

..that she'd bring out and go,

"You see these children?

"They went on a school trip and now they are dead." Stuff like that.

Wow. Was there actually a school trip?

No, there was no school trip. I went on my own, but what I...

So did you just tell your very strict, fearful-of-death mother,

"There's this school trip," and she went, "OK, there's a school trip"?

I basically got all my friends to turn up at the train station

with suitcases...

You're not serious. ..to make it look like it was a school trip.

And they weren't going to France with you? No.

Wow. And then my mum came, said goodbye,

and then we all got on the train and they got off at the next stop.

Where did you go in France?

I went to Touraine.

Tou... Touraine? Touraine, which is...

Why did you go to Touraine?

Because there was a French course there and the council gave free

trips for kids who were studying A-levels.

So you actually lied to your mum to go to France,

but actually went to a French course? Yeah.

So you didn't go clubbing or go out and do anything,

you actually went and studied? I did that.

I slept with a guy while I was there, but I did go...

LAUGHTER

But you also did a...? ..initially to study.

So it was part fun, part academic?

Yeah. What year was this?

I'm going to say the '80s. Late.

Cos I was there in the '80s. Yeah, '80s, yes.

So how long was it...?

LAUGHTER

It's me!

Wow! I remember you!

I thought you were black!

What are you thinking, Romesh?

The way that Gina talks about her mum is the same way that

I sort of, you know... Sri Lankan parenting is very, very similar.

What I can't understand is how you wouldn't be just

incredibly anxious because if even there was the slimmest chance

of your mum finding out, you would not be with us today.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

What do you think, Jessica?

I think it's completely, 100% true.

Really? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, completely.

David? Do you know what I liked? Touraine.

Not Paris. It's not obvious, is it?

Touraine - who knows?

But, yes, that's the sort of thing, a place in Fra...

Yes, "My town is twinned with Touraine,

"they've got a biscuit factory."

I think it's true.

You're going to say true?

Gina, Gina, truth or lie?

It is...

..true!

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Yes, it's true,

Gina once did fake a school trip so she could go to France.

Wilfred, you're up next.

Right.

Last year, I had to walk home from a swimming pool in my trunks after

someone stole my clothes from the locker whilst I was in the water.

Oh! David's team.

Where was this swimming pool?

In Cyprus.

In Cyprus. You had to walk all the way home from Cyprus?

So the swimming pool was where in Cyprus?

So it was at our hotel, yeah.

So it was from the hotel swimming pool to your room in the hotel?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

This is sounding a bit less of an anecdote.

I was imagining a public swimming baths

and you're walking three or four blocks, splash, splash, splash,

avoiding the dog poo, but now it's just in a holiday hotel

from the pool to your room

in swimming gear. That's what made it more awkward. Yeah.

How long did it take you to recover from the trauma?

How far was it from the pool to your suite?

It wasn't that long at all.

I had to get in a lift, which was awkward.

So at this holiday hotel... Yeah.

..there were lockers? Yes.

So you went down to the pool, fully clothed, maybe in your,

I don't know, your suit and tie from work.

Could you please describe your trunks for us?

My trunks? So they were bright, bright, bright green.

And were they mini or maxi?

What? What does that mean? I mean, were they budgie smugglers or...?

They were tru... Like... They were trunks.

So what...? So they were swinging around?

Well, they...

LAUGHTER

You flatter him! What's swinging around?!

What's the "they" in question there?!

It's definitely not swinging around! "Were THEY swinging around?!"

ROB WHOOSHES

"Were they swinging around?"

I don't mean that!

If the lift stops suddenly, it'll hit you in the face!

I mean the material. Oh.

Well, I didn't have them, they were stolen.

Oh, so you were... What? What did you have on your bottom?

What are you talking about, "I didn't have them"?

You were in your trunks, you said. Yeah.

So you did have them. Yeah.

Right. THEY weren't stolen. THEY weren't stolen.

Will, I think this is going great!

Oh, my God! Quick, seriously, look at that, everybody!

Read it again! Read it again!

Look over there! There's a huge parrot!

Read it again!

So you've come back, you've come back to the locker.

Yeah. Your clothes have gone.

Yeah. So this is a classy hotel. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody has stolen your clothes.

They've stolen them, yeah.

From the locker?

Yes!

Yeah.

Do you think you maybe put your clothes in a different locker

and you just looked in the wrong locker? Ah, that's easily done.

Are we actually investigating this?

What's happening? Are you saying there's a possibility

that none of this happened?

Yes, you're right!

That would explain why it doesn't make any sense!

Did you ever get the clothes back?

Did I ever...? No.

Never got... So you lost shoes, trousers...? I lost everything.

Wow. Apart from the trunks.

Or, other possibility, it didn't happen.

He's... He's fine!

Well, all right, Jessica, what do you think?

I think it's a lie.

You think it's a lie. OK.

Because of what he said? Yes.

Romesh, you are dealing with a very good, duplicitous,

untrustworthy man.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's possible, based on what I've seen of you

and your performance in The Traitors, that this is actually

an incredible quadruple bluff. JESSICA: Yeah, I think so too.

Well, it would be...

I mean, the amount of planning it would take because the first thing

you'd have to do is, in advance, persuade a five-star hotel

in Cyprus to institute a system of lockers for people's swimming gear,

which is something much more common at a municipal swimming baths,

so as to make us look like whoever wrote the card very much had

that kind of swimming in mind,

so that we would think it was a colossal mistake on your part

to then say it was a hotel in Cyprus,

rather than a swimming baths in the UK.

If you've done that, you deserve the point. Yes.

So I think you're saying it's a lie, am I right?

At this point, on a balance of probabilities only,

I'd say it's a lie. All right, OK. So, Wilfred, in your wet trunks,

in the lift, was it true or was it a lie?

It was indeed...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I stumbled hard!

Yes, it's a lie.

Wilfred didn't have to walk home in his swimming trunks.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring

on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Kai.

APPLAUSE

So, Jessica, what is Kai to you?

Erm, this is Kai and he painted my front door

with 73 bottles of nail varnish.

Romesh, how do you know Kai?

This is Kai.

Um, he once told me off

when I discussed his private parts on a podcast.

And finally, David, what is your relationship with Kai?

Er, this is Kai and...

Don't bother, David. You have never met this man in your life.

Look at him.

This is Kai

and I had to borrow his fingers in order to order my Big Mac.

So there we have it.

Jessica's paint pal,

Romesh's mortified mate

or David's helping hand.

Lee, where do you want to begin?

Jessica, the obvious question

is what colour did you go for?

It was a kind of... A sort of shiny blue.

Shiny blue? Yeah.

Kai is an amazing, like...decorator

and lives in my town and we were walking past this house,

this amazing looking house,

and there was a front door that looked, like, gorgeous -

beautiful colour, really nice.

And I knew that Kai lived there

but I hadn't actually properly met him, and then when I finally

met him I was like, "My God, your door is so gorgeous. Did you..?"

It's a hell of an opening line.

Thank God you didn't like his cat flap. I was...

I was like, I couldn't believe it when he said...

He said, "It's nail varnish." I was like, "Really?"

He was like, "Yeah, yeah. It's nail varnish,"

and then I was thinking, is it rude of me, like, to be like,

"Oh, my God, can you do that for my door?"

But that's what I did. And how long did it take?

He did it kind of over about four or five weekends.

How did he apply it?

It wasn't the little...the little brush, was it? Presumably he...?

Of course it was!

You can't get a big paintbrush in those little bowls. You can decant!

Trying to get your roller in there? You'd never do it!

The whole experience was unusual, obviously.

Yeah. How many coats was it?

It was only one coat. One coat? One coat?!

It was undercoat.

What was the undercoat, normal paint?

Just, like, a white undercoat, which we did.

We did all the prep. Oh, you prepped it all?

Yeah, we prepped it. Tell me how you prep a door.

Well, you just sand it and put paint on it.

You've obviously never prepped a door. It's not, like, difficult.

ROMESH: Yeah, have you prepped a door, Lee? Yeah.

How many bottles? I mean, ultimately it worked out around 75, 73.

I mean, it's pungent, isn't it?

Did the postman faint?

I was a bit worried about that.

I was a bit worried about that but because I'd sniffed his door...

Had you?

Right, Lee, who would you like to question next?

OK, let's go over to Romesh.

Which one are you? Just remind us of the statement.

Kai once told me off for discussing his private parts on a podcast.

What's the podcast called?

Wolf And Owl.

OK. And who are the people on the podcast?

It's me, and the other regular is Tom Davis.

And what relation is Kai to you?

Kai's somebody that goes to the same gym as me.

Do you go on the days when it isn't open?

I'm sorry.

And so you've obviously seen him walking round naked.

No. Well, then how did you know about his private parts?

He showed me a picture.

WILFRED: Where was you when he showed you the picture?

Wait, hold on. Hang on. He shows you a picture in the gym?

The whole caboodle. What? Wait, wait, wait.

He's got a dog?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, no. No, no, don't applaud that, please.

So, all right, how did this conversation come about?

On this particular day, I noticed he was...just walking a bit funny,

and I went up to him and I said, "Are you all right?"

and he said, "I had a vasectomy yesterday."

And then he said,

"Do you want to see?"

And you said yes?

Well, I'm not saying it wasn't unusual.

It's not how most of my conversations go.

Did he show you before and after?

He showed... I saw a series of pictures.

OK, and then how does this then end up on your podcast with Tom Davis?

One of the things that we start off with is saying what we've been up to

and then I said, "Well, actually, just this morning,

"this thing happened," and I detailed the story. Mm-hm.

And did you paint Kai in a bad light? How...?

Listen, there's no way you can paint that guy in a bad light.

I saw it, it made me want to write a poem about it.

So he was not happy that you had mentioned this vasectomy?

No, it was his wife that was the...was the issue,

because she listens to the podcast... Wow.

..and so she's a private person, I guess,

and sort of didn't want me to see...

No, she's not a private person, she's a normal person.

Did you say his name, then, in the podcast? No, I didn't.

I wouldn't have done that.

Do you think there's any chance she watches this programme?

There's a chance, yeah.

Cos she might not like that either

because where you were saying you didn't mention him by name -

here, you have.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How long ago was all this?

Like, a couple of months, not that long ago.

It's obviously still very sensitive, cos he's been...

He's been covering it up since he walked on.

Now, then. Lee, what about David?

Remind us of your claim.

I borrowed his fingers to help me order my Big Mac.

OK.

Now, I know the answer to this,

but, just for the audience,

what exactly is wrong with your fingers?

Well, I don't know. I've always found them to be adequate.

Maybe I was cold, but whatever it was I couldn't get the thing...

I was pressing and pressing. Oh, the screen.

This is the new thing they have where you don't speak to a human.

No, no, I was poking a member of staff,

saying, "Give me a hamburger."

Well, some people may not...

Some people may not know. And you're so weak

you had to borrow somebody else's fingers.

No... Yes, it was one of the new screens they have.

And it wasn't happening for me.

Either I couldn't get it to go at all or I'd do that and then it

would be like I'd put five in there and I didn't want five Big Macs.

What time of day was this?

It was late at night.

And what was Kai doing?

He was also in McDonald's.

Yes, did you sort of approach him and go...?

MITCHELL-ESQUE MUMBLING

AS DAVID: "Excuse me, I...

"Problem with the fingers."

How...? No. How did it go?

He was behind me in the queue for this machine.

"Oh, what are you doing there?"

What I'm getting at is did you hold his fingers

and do that with them or did you just let him do it?

I let him do it!

I fetched his little fingers out of his pockets

and poked away with them until he asked me kindly what I was doing.

So who were you with, late night in McDonald's?

No-one, just me. On your own? On my own. I'd been to an event.

And I'd been to the pub. What sort of event was it?

It was a book launch. Whose book?

A friend of mine's but I'm not going to say whose book. Which friend?

Come on. I'm not going to say whose book. Why not?

Because it was a very, very dirty book.

No, I'm...

And your fingers had become...

LAUGHTER

Your fingers had become dysfunctional.

APPLAUSE

I went to the launch,

and then I went to the pub with some people from the book launch.

Right. And then after that...

Went to McDonald's. ..I went into McDonald's,

like I used to as a much, much, much younger man.

But when I got into McDonald's, everything had changed.

It was no longer possible to ask another human for a hamburger,

and it was necessary to log on to some sort of wall of food.

I did my best to do that

but something...something was wrong with my old, hungry, drunken fingers

and the machine refused to give me anything.

What were you trying to order?

A Big...

..Mac.

I was also, full disclosure...

Were you? I...

There's no verb!

I also ordered... "There's no verb!"

This double act isn't working out, is it?

No.

There's no verb!

I also...

He's mortified by that.

You can't say, "Were you?" to... I hadn't asserted any action!

You've got an odd... None of this makes any sense!

Full disclosure. I also ordered some chips...

Yeah. ..and a tea.

Oh, it said chips, did it, on the thing?

No, it said fries but I still refer to them as chips

in a desperate attempt to resist American cultural imperialism.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right.

We need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Kai Jessica's paint pal,

Romesh's mortified mate

or David's helping hand?

Right, well, first of all, let's look at Kai.

He looks buff, doesn't he?

Yeah. Buff. He looks like he goes to the gym a lot. Definitely.

Painter and decorators are usually a bit more...

..let's say flabby, shall we say?

But also, you must be very protective of that door.

Like, if people knock on the door, do you scream,

"Use the doorbell!" and stuff like that?

Are you like...? No. I do.

What else is a doorbell for?

Does your finger work on the doorbell?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what do you think, then, Lee? Who are you going to say it is?

I'm going to go Romesh. You say Romesh? I'm thinking Romesh, yeah.

He's the kind of comic that would talk about that stuff on a podcast,

wouldn't he? And Tom Davis definitely would.

So I think we'll go Romesh.

Right. Kai, would you please reveal your true identity?

I'm Kai, and Romesh discussed my private parts in a podcast.

CHEERING

Yes, Kai is Romesh's mortified mate.

Thank you very much, Kai.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Legend. Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Lee.

Next week I am due to appear before a disciplinary panel

at my clay pigeon shooting club...

..after I accidentally shot the owner's wife in the knee.

David's team.

Where do you go clay pigeon shooting? Where does it happen?

I go to the local clay pigeon shooting club near me,

and I'm not willing to give away where I live.

Is it in the countryside, in a field, on a football...?

It's in the countryside, in a field. OK.

How often...? How often do you meet?

About four or five times a year.

So once every two to three months?

Er, two and a half months. OK.

Was...was the clay pigeon very low,

or was the wife's knee very high?

Unfortunately, the... the person who runs it,

his wife has got two broken arms at the moment and...

..so she wasn't able to do any clay pigeon shooting that week.

In a cast?

Both in casts, like that.

I didn't know that you went clay pigeon shooting.

No, well, neither did I till about 30 seconds ago.

Paint a picture of the incident itself.

I can paint a picture, but she can't.

Two broken arms in a cast.

OK.

Forget all the bit about the broken arms - that wasn't true.

Her job - Betty the puller, they call her...

Betty the puller. Betty the puller.

Her job is, when you say, "Pull!"

Cos that's what you do in clay pigeon shooting,

you go, "Pull!" like that, and then pull,

and the clay pigeons go off and you...

The good thing about clay pigeon shooting,

you don't have to be that good.

Long as you're in the rough area, the shot spreads.

Yeah, so how could you hit her? She's at ground level.

Because I was going...

And then on the third count of pull I went, "Pull," and I went...

"Come on, Betty!" Boom!

Get off! You didn't! Shot her.

I didn't! I mean...I did!

I went like that, and then, "Pull!

"Oh, come on, Betty." I'll do it in slow motion.

DEEP SLOW VOICE: Come on, Betty!

Aargh!

Briiiaaaan!

How many legs did she have?!

And then, er... How did Betty react?

Oh, well, I tell you what, she hasn't pulled for a while.

She...

David, what are you thinking?

Let's, for a moment, imagine that this is true.

Well, I've had to.

Is it...?

If this were true, is it something that Lee or the clay pigeon

shooting community would be happy to have discussed in this forum?

Ask me anything about clay pigeon shooting.

Ask me. Bring it on.

How long does it take? How long does it take?

Yeah. Well, it takes as long as you want to do.

I've been known...

I've been known to do up to four hours in one session.

I've also been known to do less than three minutes,

because, and I don't know if I've mentioned this...

You shot someone in the knee. ..I shot someone in the leg.

So how is Betty now? What state is she...?

Oh, Betty. We laugh about it now. Right.

In fact, I've really made her sort of come round to my way of thinking,

that's it's just a humorous event,

and she's actually going to support me on the panel next week.

But the husband is very much in the prosecution camp.

Rest of the shot went right in his crotch.

And do you know how I know that?

Cos there's nothing left of his tackle

and he showed me a photograph.

All right. David,

I think I know what you're going to say, but...

..truth or lie?

Well... Lie? Lie. It's a lie.

Yes, I think... We think it's a great story

but we don't think it happened.

Lee, they doubt whether this is true.

Is it?

Well, I wasn't sure when I first read it.

Cos you know my memory nowadays,

but actually that one was a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Oh! That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team

have one point,

and David's team

have four points.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.