Being Human in a Digital Age | Joel Comm | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

The speaker shares a personal journey of pain and addiction stemming from his parents' divorce, leading to the breakdown of his marriage. He discusses the paradox of connection and isolation in the digital age, highlighting the importance of authenticity and conscientiousness in social media interactions. The talk emphasizes the impact of honesty and vulnerability in building real connections and the potential of technology as a tool for positive change.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker shares a personal story of pain and loss from his parents' divorce and subsequent addictions, highlighting the impact of unresolved emotional trauma.
• 🔒 The concept of shame and the power of secrets are discussed, showing how keeping secrets can both empower and burden individuals.
• 🌐 The speaker introduces the idea of sharing secrets through platforms like postsecret.com, emphasizing the human desire to share and be heard.
• 😂 Humor is used to illustrate the disconnect between online personas and real-life behaviors, as seen in the shared postcards and social media antics.
• 📱 The paradox of being more connected yet less genuinely connected due to social media is explored, questioning the authenticity of online interactions.
• 🎭 The role of technology in allowing people to create and curate their online identities is examined, noting the potential for both positive and negative impacts.
• 🐾 The speaker uses dogshaming.com as an example of a platform that encourages honesty and vulnerability, suggesting a lesson for humans on authenticity.
• 👓 Robert Scoble's courageous act of sharing his past trauma on social media and the positive response he received is highlighted, demonstrating the power of authenticity in connecting with others.
• 📱 The speaker discusses the misuse of technology and social media due to a lack of understanding and the potential harm caused by online aggression and judgment.
• 👐 The importance of conscientiousness and awareness in using technology and social media authentically is emphasized, as well as the impact this has on future generations.
• 🤳 In conclusion, the speaker calls for authenticity in the digital age, urging the audience to embrace their humanity and use technology to connect genuinely with others.

Q & A

What significant event in the speaker's life led to a lot of pain and concern?

The speaker's parents getting divorced when they were 12 years old led to a lot of pain, concern, and loss.

How did the speaker cope with the emotional turmoil from their parents' divorce?

The speaker coped by finding both healthy and unhealthy ways to manage their emotions, with the unhealthy ways leading to various addictions.

What addictions did the speaker develop as a result of their emotional struggles?

The speaker developed addictions to workaholism, food, video games, drugs, and pornography.

How did the speaker's addictions and emotional struggles affect their marriage?

The speaker's addictions and emotional struggles contributed to dysfunction in their marriage, ultimately leading to their wife leaving after 22 years.

What does the speaker suggest about the power of secrets and shame?

The speaker suggests that there is power in keeping secrets and that shame is associated with the secrets we carry, which can be a barrier to sharing and healing.

What is the purpose of the website postsecret.com mentioned in the script?

Postsecret.com is a website where people can anonymously share their secrets and pain by submitting postcards, providing an opportunity for them to express themselves without revealing their identity.

How does the speaker describe the paradox of being more connected yet feeling disconnected in the digital age?

The speaker describes the paradox by pointing out that despite being more connected through technology, people often put up a good front and share only positive aspects of their lives, which can lead to a lack of genuine connection and understanding.

What is the significance of the story about Elan Gale and the fake Twitter story during a flight?

The story of Elan Gale illustrates how easily people can be misled by stories on social media, and it raises questions about the authenticity of content online.

What lesson does the speaker draw from the website dogshaming.com?

The speaker suggests that the honesty and vulnerability displayed by the dog owners on dogshaming.com can serve as a lesson for humans to be more authentic and open about their own mistakes and flaws.

What personal revelation did Robert Scoble share with his social media followers, and what was the impact?

Robert Scoble shared that he was sexually molested as a child, which led to a connection with his followers and an understanding of his adult dependencies. It also inspired him to join an AA program and remain sober.

How does the speaker define conscientiousness as a key to success in various aspects of life?

Conscientiousness is defined as being aware of who you are, acknowledging your past mistakes and flaws, knowing your boundaries, having the grit to persist, and respecting others, which contributes to success in life, relationships, and personal growth.

What is the speaker's final call to action regarding the use of technology and social media?

The speaker calls for authenticity in the use of technology and social media, encouraging individuals to show up as their real, raw selves to maintain humanity and avoid losing connection with others.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Overcoming Personal Struggles and the Impact of Social Media

The speaker begins by sharing their personal story of dealing with the pain and loss from their parents' divorce at the age of 12. They admit to developing various addictions, including workaholism, overeating, gaming, drugs, and pornography, which eventually led to the failure of their 22-year marriage. The speaker takes full responsibility for their actions and discusses the power and shame associated with keeping secrets. They introduce the concept of sharing secrets through platforms like postsecret.com, where people can share their secrets anonymously. The speaker also touches on the superficiality of social media, where people often share only positive aspects of their lives, leading to a disconnect between real and virtual connections. They highlight the story of Elan Gale, who created a viral hoax on Twitter for entertainment, questioning the authenticity of online content and urging the audience to consider how to stay human and find truth in the digital age.

05:04

🐾 Embracing Authenticity and Learning from Mistakes

The speaker continues by discussing the importance of authenticity and the courage it takes to share one's truth, using the website dogshaming.com as a humorous example of owning up to mistakes. They share a personal story of a friend, Robert Scoble, who publicly revealed his past of sexual molestation as a child and the positive impact it had on his life and others. The speaker emphasizes the neutrality of technology and social media, stating they are tools that can be used for good or ill. They acknowledge the aggressive use of social media and the need for better understanding and empathy, as everyone has their own struggles and stories. The speaker encourages the audience to be real with one another, to let go of secrets, and to understand the power of honesty and authenticity in impacting lives.

10:08

🤔 The Importance of Understanding and Authentic Communication

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the importance of understanding and not labeling people, as labels can lead to misunderstanding and polarization. They argue that it's easier to categorize people than to seek genuine understanding, which is detrimental to communication. The speaker points out that behind every device and social media account is a human being with their own set of emotions and experiences. They mention a Time magazine article that identified conscientiousness as the key to success in various aspects of life, including relationships and personal growth. The speaker stresses the importance of being aware of one's own boundaries and respecting others. They conclude by emphasizing the need to harness technology and social media to express our authentic selves, to avoid losing our humanity, and end with a light-hearted moment of taking a selfie to demonstrate authenticity.

Keywords

💡Divorce

Divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage. In the script, the speaker recounts his parents' divorce when he was 12 years old, describing the pain and loss he felt. This sets the stage for discussing how unresolved childhood trauma led to dysfunctional coping mechanisms and addictions.

💡Addictions

Addictions refer to the compulsive need to engage in behaviors or use substances despite harmful consequences. The speaker lists various addictions, including workaholism, food, video games, drugs, and pornography, illustrating how his dysfunctional coping mechanisms evolved over time and impacted his life and relationships.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. The speaker discusses the shame associated with his secrets and how this shame prevented him from sharing his struggles publicly. He emphasizes that acknowledging and sharing these vulnerabilities can be liberating and impactful.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being genuine or true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. The speaker advocates for showing up as one's authentic self, especially in the digital age. He argues that authenticity helps build real connections and fosters understanding and empathy among people.

💡Social media

Social media are platforms that allow users to create and share content or participate in social networking. The speaker examines both the positive and negative aspects of social media, highlighting how it can foster connection but also lead to deception and superficial interactions. He uses examples like postsecret.com and Elan Gale's fabricated Twitter story to illustrate these points.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability involves the willingness to expose oneself to the possibility of being hurt emotionally. The speaker shares his own vulnerabilities, including his failed marriage and addictions, to demonstrate the power of being open and honest. He emphasizes that vulnerability can lead to deeper connections and mutual support.

💡Connection

Connection refers to the relationship or link between people. Despite being more connected than ever through technology, the speaker questions whether these connections are genuine. He argues that true connection comes from sharing our authentic selves, including our flaws and mistakes, rather than just the highlights.

💡Judgment

Judgment is the act of forming an opinion or conclusion about someone or something. The speaker warns against the ease of judging others harshly, especially on social media, without understanding their full story. He encourages empathy and recognizing that everyone has their own struggles and flaws.

💡Technology

Technology refers to the application of scientific knowledge for practical purposes, especially in industry. The speaker discusses how technology, particularly social media, is a tool that can be used for good or ill. He emphasizes the importance of using technology to enhance our humanity rather than detract from it.

💡Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness is the personality trait of being careful, diligent, and aware of one's own actions and their impact. The speaker cites research that conscientiousness is a key determinant of success in various areas of life. He links it to being authentic, admitting mistakes, and respecting others' boundaries.

Highlights

The speaker shares his personal experience of dealing with the pain and loss from his parents' divorce at age 12.

He discusses the unhealthy coping mechanisms he developed, including various addictions like workaholism and substance abuse.

The speaker admits his role in the failure of his 22-year marriage and takes ownership of his actions.

He talks about the shame associated with secrets and the power that comes from keeping them hidden.

The importance of vulnerability and sharing one's story is emphasized through the example of postsecret.com.

The speaker humorously shares a secret about laziness at work, illustrating the relatable nature of shared secrets.

The paradox of being more connected yet feeling less genuinely connected in the digital age is highlighted.

The role of social media in shaping our perceptions of reality and authenticity is discussed.

Elan Gale's fake Twitter story during a flight exemplifies the blurred lines between truth and fiction online.

The speaker questions how to maintain humanity and find truth in the digital age, especially with social media's influence.

The website dogshaming.com is used as a humorous example of people being honest about their pets' misdeeds.

Robert Scoble's courageous act of sharing his childhood sexual abuse on social media and its positive impact is mentioned.

The speaker advocates for honesty and authenticity in the use of technology and social media.

He points out the lack of guidance on how to properly use social media and its potential for misuse.

The importance of conscientiousness and self-awareness as key to success in all aspects of life is emphasized.

The speaker calls for a more authentic and less judgmental approach to communication, especially on social media.

He concludes with the idea that by showing our authentic selves, we can prevent losing our humanity through social media.

In a light-hearted moment, the speaker decides to take a selfie with the audience to demonstrate authenticity.

Transcripts

Translator: Theresa Ranft Reviewer: Denise RQ

I was 12 years old when my parents got divorced.

It's not an uncommon story,

but like many kids I was left with a lot of pain,

a lot of concern, a lot of loss.

And not knowing how to deal with it, I did the best I could,

and found healthy and unhealthy ways to manage it.

Of course, the unhealthy ways were pretty dysfunctional

and that dysfunction led to a number of addictions in my life,

and those addictions throughout the years have included workaholism,

addiction to food, addiction to video games,

addiction to drugs, addiction to pornography.

And unfortunately, the dysfunction played forward into my relationships,

and after 22 years of marriage,

I contributed enough dysfunction to it that my wife left me.

With all due respect to her, I take complete ownership

for my failure in my half of the marriage, and then probably a good portion more.

Had we had social media at the time,

I don't think this is something I would have shared publicly.

In fact, I'm certain I wouldn't have, because there was great shame.

There's shame in the secrets we carry, and there's power in the secrets.

In fact, the power is found in keeping the secret in.

So why do I share this with you?

Because right now, this just got raw, this got vulnerable.

If I weren't clothed, I may as well be fully naked.

You don't have to picture it, it's fine.

(Laughter)

But there was a lot of shame, and it's shame that we can all relate to.

There's a site out there called postsecret.com,

and it's a place where people can anonymously share

their secrets and their pain without putting their name on it,

by submitting postcards, some of them very beautifully done,

and it gives them an opportunity to share their secrets.

We hunger to be able to share.

[Where I work, I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom...

so I pee in the kitchen sink]

(Laughter)

I'll let you see that one before I continue.

[I judge people based on how often the post useless crap on Facebook]

We've hungered a share, but we're not very trusting,

because we've been hurt before.

We are so connected now, 7.2 billion people in the world,

billions carrying smartphones, over 2 billion connected on social media,

and we have so many friends now.

We're more connected than we've ever been. But are we really connected?

We like to put up a good front, I'm all for a good selfie.

And we love to share the positive things that are happening in our lives, don't we?

But how do you know what's real and what's false?

Elan Gale is a producer for the hit TV show "The Bachelor",

and Elan was traveling for Thanksgiving back home,

and he was at 36,000 feet with Wi-Fi,

and there was an altercation taking place just a few rows up from him.

It turns out there was a woman in seat 7A

who may as well have been the only person on the plane.

She was being very demanding of the flight attendants,

and so Elan thought, "I'm going to take matters into my own hands."

He wrote a note on a cocktail napkin, had it sent to the woman,

she wasn't happy about it, she sent one back,

he sent another one to her, and before you know it,

he's blowing up Twitter to his 150,000 followers

with these shenanigans and this story that was taking place.

Of course, it went way beyond his followers and became real viral.

You'd have thought for sure when they landed

it was going to be a "Come on!"

But that didn't happen.

In fact, Elan confessed, after he landed, that none of it actually happened.

He made it all up.

He thought it would be entertaining for him while he was on his flight,

and he thought it would be entertaining for his followers.

How do we know what's fake and what's real?

And in our own lives, we wear these masks, and we pretend,

and now that we've got all this technology where we can really be

whoever we want to be in social media and appear how we want to,

how do we stay human in this digital age?

How do we get to the truth?

And who's willing to stand up and say,

"You know what?

This is the truth, this is all I've got,

warts and all, flaws and mistakes."

And there's too many to count with this guy, I'll say that!

How do we get to the bottom?

There's a site on the web that has helped us move in that direction.

(Laughter)

It's called dogshaming.com.

(Laughter)

And I'll tell you what, these dogs, whatever notorious deeds they've done,

their owner writes it out,

takes a picture and puts it up on the web.

And I don't know if the dogs of the world are learning from it

(Laughter)

but we as human beings have the opportunity to learn from it.

For example, this is my friend Robert Scoble.

You may know Robert from this picture that was taken in the shower

while he was wearing Google Glass.

He's a leader in the tech field,

he follows startups around and shares the latest technology;

he's a fantastic guy, a lot of fun to be around.

Last November, Robert did something incredibly courageous.

He shared on his Facebook page to his 600,000 or so followers,

that as a child he was sexually molested.

He went into great detail about what happened.

The social media community embraced him

in such a powerful way,

Robert was able to connect the dots between the abuse he sustained as a child,

and the alcohol and drug dependencies he had currently as an adult.

He got himself into an AA program right after this time,

he's been sober ever since, he's doing fantastic.

But what's even more amazing

is he told me that he gets so many messages and emails privately

from people saying "Thank you!",

because his story was their story.

And if we're honest with ourselves, it's our story as well.

Honesty, authenticity, how do we do it with technology?

Technology and social media are amoral,

they're neither good nor evil, they are tools,

and it's up to us to determine how we use them.

Here's the thing, for the majority of us, actually all of us,

we didn't grow up with smartphones.

As adults, they have been foisted on us in all the social media,

and we're going, "What do I do with this?

Well, this is a hammer so everything's a nail now!"

We haven't been taught from being raised how to use this right,

and so as a result, we have people using social media in aggressive ways.

Since you don't have to face somebody face to face,

you can say things online that you wouldn't say

if you were staring that person in the eye.

I'm guilty of it, I've done it. Admit it, you have too.

And it's OK, there's no shame because we're human, and we're learning,

but if we can't get this right,

how do we expect our children to get it right?

We are the generation who's gone before, and every time a finger is pointed,

and we judge somebody harshly, for their political belief,

"I can't believe you voted for such and such,

I would never support that, you must be stupid!"

"I would never follow that religion or that faith

because those people do this."

"I can't believe you eat that food, and that's your exercise regimen."

"What do you mean you liked Pitch Perfect 2? It was horrible!"

(Laughter)

Yes, I got some opinions.

But when we judge others, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

We don't know their story, we don't know their motivation,

we are all so different.

When we go home and look in the mirror, we know we got our own stuff.

There's none of us that don't have our own stuff,

and yet, we can be so hard on others.

What if we were like Robert Scoble?

And as I did at the beginning of my talk, we're able to say,

"You know what? I'm a human being.

This is all I got,

flaws, mistakes, my own experiences, my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

What if we got real with one another?

In appropriate forms, when intense stuff is happening right now.

But letting the secret go free, because when you do,

you can impact so many other lives.

See, when kids are judged, and their name called,

intuitively, they have a textbook answer that they reply with,

and we all did it when we were kids, and that textbook answer is,

"I know you are, but what am I?"

They get it. They're saying, "Don't point a finger at me, I am unique.

I am different, just like every snowflake is different, don't put me in a box

and try to make me out to be like that person, because I'm me."

And if the point of communication is understanding,

then we need to listen closely to what people are actually saying,

and not put them in boxes.

And many of us, and I'm guilty of this as well,

will create our own understanding

that makes us feel good about who we think these people are.

It's much easier to polarize and put people in boxes

than to really seek understanding,

and if you create a false understanding,

it's not really any understanding at all.

Labels are for jars, not people.

Technology and social media are just tools,

they're just new avenues, new ways for us to decide

how we are going to show up as our authentic or inauthentic selves,

because, beyond the billions of devices,

and miles of fiber optic cable, and cellular signals,

on the end of every other computer and device is a human being,

with hopes, dreams, fears, wishes, aspirations, pain, and loss.

And it starts here, it starts here.

Time magazine had an article last year,

and the research described in the article

pointed to the single, greatest determination,

a personality trait, that you can base a person's success on,

above all other personality traits.

Success in your life, your relationships,

in your friendships, in your marriage, parenting, your education, your business.

And it was conscientiousness, awareness, knowing who you are,

what you've been through, not being afraid to admit

that your past mistakes and flaws are as much a part of you

as all the cool, wonderful things that have happened to you.

It's knowing boundaries of where you end and others begin,

it's having grit to persist,

and it's respecting others for who they are.

We have to get this first,

because if we don't get it, then the kids won't get it.

And if we say something on social media or via text,

and it's hurtful, and it's judgmental, and it's critical, and it's wrong to do,

it's like toothpaste coming out of the tube, you cannot put it back.

I had a friend share two years ago very publicly about his divorce,

and he put it all out there.

Two years later he regrets it, and he's apologized to his followers

because it was inappropriate venue, but there are venues to do this,

and there are ways to demonstrate for our children that we've got this.

Because if we don't harness and leverage

the power of technology and social media,

to show up as our authentic, real raw selves,

then we will surely lose our humanity through social media.

And now, in the spirit of authenticity, I'm going to take a selfie.

(Laughter)

Let me just get you guys, we'll turn it around here.

Cheer!

(Cheers)

Thank you very much.

(Applause)