Become better at talking to people 🗣️

Summary

The video script delves into the art of being charismatic and likable, highlighting two key traits: warmth and competence. It suggests that a balance between these traits is crucial for magnetic appeal. Drawing from Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' the script offers tips on using names to build rapport and being genuinely interested in others to foster connections. It also touches on the importance of conversational threading and embracing imperfection to appear more relatable. The script warns against negative gossip, emphasizing the impact of speaking positively about others. Finally, it encourages viewers to engage in conversations with the aim of enjoyment rather than seeking approval, emphasizing authenticity and self-assurance.

Takeaways

• 🌟 Charismatic people often have a balance of warmth and competence, two traits that most people struggle to balance.
• 🔥 Being overly warm can overshadow competence, making one seem less impressive, while being overly competent can make one seem unapproachable.
• 🗣️ Dale Carnegie's advice to use people's names in conversations can create familiarity and rapport, showing both warmth and competence.
• 🤔 Carnegie also suggests being interested in others rather than trying to be interesting, which can make people feel acknowledged and listened to.
• 🤝 Avoid redirecting conversations about others back to oneself; instead, ask questions and show genuine interest in their experiences.
• 🧵 Use 'conversational threading' to offer multiple topics for the other person to engage with, which can keep the conversation flowing.
• 💔 Striving for perfection can create distance; showing vulnerability or making mistakes can actually make one more relatable and likable.
• 📉 The Pratfall Effect suggests that minor mistakes can enhance likability if the person is otherwise competent.
• 🚫 Spontaneous trait transference warns that gossiping about others can negatively affect how you are perceived.
• 🌱 Everyone has unique skills and hobbies that can be seen as competent and interesting, so don't underestimate your own expertise.
• 🎉 Approach conversations with the intention of having fun rather than solely to be liked, which can lead to more authentic and enjoyable interactions.

Q & A

What are the two specific traits that highly charismatic people rank high in according to Vanessa V. Edwards?

Highly charismatic people rank high in warmth and competence.

Why can an imbalance between warmth and competence be problematic in social interactions?

An imbalance can lead to being seen as either too approachable and not impressive enough (if more warm), or as unapproachable and intimidating (if more competent), which can hinder effective social engagement.

What does Dale Carnegie suggest as a method to remember people's names?

Dale Carnegie suggests repeating the person's name three times during the initial conversation to help commit it to memory.

What is the main advice from Dale Carnegie's book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' that the speaker found impactful?

The main advice is to use people's names in conversations as it creates familiarity and rapport, and to be genuinely interested in others rather than trying to be interesting.

How does the speaker suggest we respond when someone shares a hobby or interest with us?

The speaker suggests asking questions and showing curiosity about their hobby or interest, rather than relating it back to our own experiences, to give them space to share more and to show genuine interest.

What is 'conversational threading' and how can it be used to keep a conversation going?

Conversational threading is offering several topics or threads that the other person can hook on to. It creates more opportunities for the other person to ask questions and keep the conversation flowing.

Why should striving for perfection in social interactions be avoided?

Striving for perfection can create distance and make a person seem inapproachable or inauthentic. It's better to display vulnerability or make mistakes, as long as there is general competence.

What is the 'Pratt fall' effect in psychology and how does it relate to likability?

The 'Pratt fall' effect suggests that people become more likable when they display vulnerability or make a mistake, provided they are generally competent, making them more relatable.

What is 'spontaneous trait transference' and how does it affect how we are perceived by others?

Spontaneous trait transference is the idea that if you describe someone with certain traits, those listening may associate you with those traits as well. This means how we talk about others can shape how we are viewed.

How can owning our skills and sharing them in conversations contribute to our likability?

Owning our skills and sharing them in conversations shows confidence and competence, which people are naturally drawn to, and it also shows that we appreciate our own unique qualities.

What is the most important tip the speaker gives for having enjoyable social interactions?

The most important tip is to go into a conversation with the intention of having fun, rather than focusing on being liked or impressing others.

Outlines

00:00

🤝 Developing Charisma through Social Skills

This paragraph delves into the attributes that make individuals magnetic and likable, highlighting the importance of balancing warmth and competence. Vanessa V. Edwards' audiobook 'Cues' is referenced, which emphasizes the significance of these two traits for charismatic people. The speaker, identifying as naturally awkward, shares insights from Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', particularly the power of using names in conversations to establish rapport. The paragraph also touches on the idea of being genuinely interested in others rather than trying to be interesting, which fosters deeper connections. It advises against making the conversation about oneself and instead encourages curiosity and engagement with the other person's experiences.

05:01

🌟 Enhancing Likeability and Trust

The second paragraph focuses on strategies to enhance social interactions and likability. It discusses the concept of 'conversational threading', which involves providing multiple topics within a conversation to keep it flowing and inviting. The speaker mentions the 'Pratt fall effect', suggesting that a bit of vulnerability or imperfection can make individuals more relatable and endearing, as long as they are otherwise competent. The paragraph also warns against the negative impact of gossip on one's likability, advocating for positive speech about others. It concludes by encouraging individuals to embrace their unique skills and interests, as these can contribute to their perceived competence and interesting nature, ultimately leading to increased respect and likability.

Keywords

💡Charisma

Charisma refers to a personal charm and appeal that can draw people towards an individual. In the video's context, it is linked to the idea that charismatic people possess a balance of warmth and competence. The script discusses how charismatic individuals effortlessly capture everyone's attention and are seen as likable and authentic, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Warmth

Warmth, in the context of the video, is one of the two key traits that contribute to charisma, alongside competence. It is associated with being trustworthy, compassionate, and friendly. The script explains that people who are highly warm come across as approachable and make others feel comfortable, but there's a potential downside where their warmth might overshadow their competence.

💡Competence

Competence is the second key trait discussed in the video, which is essential for charisma. It is linked to being seen as capable, respectable, and someone who is taken seriously. The script mentions that while competence can make an individual seem impressive and powerful, it might also make them appear unapproachable or intimidating if not balanced with warmth.

💡Imbalance

Imbalance is a concept mentioned in the script to describe the common tendency of people being either more warm or more competent, but rarely both. It is a crucial concept because it highlights the importance of balancing warmth and competence to achieve charisma, which is a central point in the video's message.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being genuine and true to oneself. The video emphasizes that charismatic people are not only likable but also authentic, which means they are perceived as being real and honest. Authenticity is a key component in making people likable and relatable, as mentioned in the context of the video.

💡Names

Using someone's name in conversation is highlighted as a technique to create familiarity and rapport in the video. It is based on Dale Carnegie's advice from 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' which the script cites as influential. Repeating a person's name three times during the initial conversation is suggested to help remember it and radiate both warmth and competence.

💡Interest

The video script advises being 'interested' rather than trying to be 'interesting' in social interactions. This concept is about showing genuine care for what others are saying, which makes people feel acknowledged and listened to. It is a fundamental aspect of the video's theme on how to be likable and engaging in conversations.

💡Conversational Threading

Conversational threading is a technique discussed in the script where one offers multiple topics or threads during a conversation to keep it flowing. It provides the other person with several opportunities to ask follow-up questions, which helps in creating more connections and showing interest in the conversation.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability, as mentioned in the script, can make people more likable when displayed by someone who is generally competent. The 'Pratt fall' effect suggests that showing imperfections or making mistakes can make a person seem more relatable and authentic, which is a key theme in the video's discussion on likability.

💡Spontaneous Trait Transference

Spontaneous trait transference is a psychological principle discussed in the video that suggests when you describe someone else's traits, those listening may unconsciously associate you with those same traits. The script uses this concept to caution against gossiping and to encourage speaking positively about others, as it reflects on how one is viewed.

💡Expertise

The script encourages viewers to appreciate and share their own unique skills and expertise, no matter how mundane they might seem. It emphasizes that everyone has areas in which they excel, and sharing this knowledge can demonstrate confidence and competence, which are attractive traits and part of the video's overarching message on being likable and respected.

Highlights

Highly charismatic people rank high in warmth and competence.

Most people have an imbalance between warmth and competence.

Being highly warm can overshadow competence.

Leaning more towards competence can make one seem unapproachable.

Charismatic people have a good balance of warmth and competence.

Using people's names in conversations creates familiarity and rapport.

Repeating a person's name three times helps remember it.

Being interested in others makes you interesting.

Asking questions and showing engagement makes others feel acknowledged.

Avoid turning conversations about others into stories about yourself.

Conversational threading offers multiple topics to keep the conversation going.

Striving for perfection can make you seem inapproachable.

Displaying vulnerability or making mistakes can make you more likable.

Spontaneous trait transference means how you talk about others affects how you're viewed.

Speaking positively about others reflects positively on you.

Own your skills and expertise to show competence.

Authentic engagement in your own life exhibits self-assured confidence.

Balancing warmth and competence is key to being likable and respected.

Approach conversations with the intention of having fun, not just to be liked.

Transcripts

do you ever find yourself scanning a

room and seeing that one person that

just effortlessly captures everyone's

attention they seem really likable and

authentic and like the kind of person

that even you would want to get to know

and then I feel like there's the rest of

us we're awkwardly navigating through

various conversations afraid of saying

the wrong thing and then inevitably

still laying in bed at night wondering

why did I open my mouth at

all what is it about somebody that makes

them so magnetic and charismatic and

likable well according to Vanessa V

Edwards who's the author of this audio

book I listened to recently called cues

she said that highly charismatic people

rank high in two specific traits warmth

and competence but here's the problem

most of us have an imbalance between

these two traits we tend to be either

more warm or more competent but very few

of us possess a good balance of both so

if like me you're highly warm you know

that it has its perks you come across as

very trustworthy compassionate and

friendly essentially you're approachable

and you make people feel comfortable but

the downside is this overwhelming warmth

can sometimes overshadow your competence

it can leave others with the impression

that you're not particularly impressive

or powerful on the flip side if you lean

more towards competence I feel like

Robin is very competent for example then

you're someone who is seen as capable

respectable important people take you

seriously and they really listen when

you've got something to say but the

downside is you might come across as

unapproachable or intimidating so in

both cases your strength can also be

your weakness and what you'll find is

that people who are charismatic often

have a good balance between both warmth

and competence So today we're going to

dive into some social skills that

genuinely help to make people more

interesting and charismatic let's get

into

it I'm naturally a very awkward person

and one of the books that helped me to

become a better Communicator was Dale

Carnegie's How to Win Friends and

Influence People and one of the most

impactful tips that I took away from

that book is to use people's names in

conversations Carnegie says that a

person's name is the sweetest and most

important sound to them and it makes

sense right like our name has been a

part of our identity since we were born

so using someone's name in a

conversation immediately creates

familiarity and Rapport casually using

someone's name in conversation it

radiates warmth but also competence like

you remembered their name but if you're

anything like me you have a very hard

time remembering people's names and this

is where Carnegie gave a tip to try to

repeat the person's name three times

during your first initial conversation

with them just to help to committ it to

memory so you could say something like

hey what's your name Robin oh hey Robin

nice to meet you is that Robin with a y

or with an i bam I just said their name

three

times I used to feel so much pressure in

social interactions pressure that I had

to say something interesting or that I

had to be interesting until I learned

and this is again from Carnegie he said

be interested not interesting I think at

its core people will find you

interesting if you find them interesting

all of us just want to feel acknowledged

and listened to and the best way to

connect with somebody is to just truly

care about what they're saying and you

can show this through your actions by

asking questions by leaning in and using

non able cues like smiling and nodding

to show them that you're fully engaged

in the conversation and now this is a

crucial tip if somebody shares with you

that for example they love to paint I

think it can kind of be almost an

instinct for us to try to relate that

story back to our own life so you might

say something like ah my uncle paints

too and while you might think that this

creates a sense of shared experience it

can actually really derail the

conversation because it's taking the

story away from them and it's turning it

towards yourself

so instead of following your connection

to the subject you can Instead try to

follow your curiosity ask them about

their art you know whether they prefer

acrylics or Oils ask them about their

latest creation essentially this just

gives them space to share more and it

continues to show that you're interested

in them ultimately people will remember

not what you did or what you said but

how you made them

feel now when the conversation does turn

to you try to use something called

conversational threading this

essentially means offering several

threads or topics that the other person

can hook on to to keep the conversation

rolling so for example if someone were

to ask what did you do this weekend

instead of saying a nothing I just

relaxed which is innocent enough and

it's really okay to also respond like

that if you don't want the conversation

to continue but essentially if you do

say that it kind of shuts the

conversation down so what you could try

to say instead is oh not much I went for

a hike I tried a new sushi place and I

also started this really great new book

you see what this does is it offers the

other person several opportunities for

what they can ask next they could ask

you know where did you go hiking what

book are you reading all in all it just

creates more opportunities to connect it

invites trust and it radiates

warmth in social interactions I think we

often feel like we need to be perfect

especially if we're meeting somebody for

the first time but striving for

Perfection can actually create distance

it can make us seem inapproachable or

inauthentic in Psychology the Pratt fall

effect suggests that people become more

likable when they display some form of

vulnerability or if they make a mistake

as long as they were generally competent

to begin with so for example we started

noticing this when we started adding

bloopers to some of our videos it took

our videos from looking very curated

clean perfect to being a bit more

relatable and our audience really really

seems to love it yay for nutrition and

ground flax seeds that that felt so

cheesy heading our way over to Austria

and start

[Music]

ending it's a bloody mess so obviously

this isn't about purposefully making

mistakes or adopting flaws it's more

about not hiding imperfections when they

naturally come up and let this take a

whole lot of the pressure off you know

it means that you can laugh when you've

made a clumsy mistake it means you can

admit when you don't know something

genuinely it makes you more relatable

more likable more

endearing in Psychology there's also

this really interesting principle known

as spontaneous trait transference the

idea is that if you describe somebody as

say hardworking or smart whoever is

listening to your story might associate

you with those very traits but the

reverse is also true if you label

somebody as lazy or unreliable you might

find that you also get associated with

those same labels sometimes we feel that

gossiping about somebody makes us more

relatable and likable because we've got

the inside scoop we've got some juicy

details to share but what my sister

always used to tell me is that if

someone is gossiping to you chances are

they're also gossiping about you

subconsciously we might start to feel

like that other person is not very

trustworthy or that they're not very

kind and so this isn't like a cautionary

tale against gossiping but more so just

like a reminder that how we talk about

others shapes how we ourselves are

viewed so if you're going to chat about

somebody else try to speak about them

positively it's also going to reflect

positively on

you you do not need to be Elon Musk or

have a PhD in mathematics to be seen as

competent and interesting I feel that

every single one of us have skills and

hobbies that we excel at even if it's

something like cooking or crocheting you

know what seems mundane to you is

definitely going to be fascinating to

somebody else so don't underestimate

your expertise own your skills and don't

shy away from sharing them in

conversations either it shows confidence

and competence which people are

naturally drawn to when you appreciate

your own unique qualities and you're

authentically engaged in your own life

you're going to naturally exhibit a

self- assured confidence that other

people are going to find worthy of

respect so becoming likable and

respected is not about some elusive X

Factor it's about balancing warmth and

compet

making other people feel at ease while

also being authentically engaged in your

own life and I think the most important

tip of all is to go into a conversation

with the intention of having fun rather

than with the intention of saying you

know I hope they like me I hope you

enjoyed today's video if you did feel

free to give it a thumbs up it always

means a lot thanks for hanging with me

today friends pickup blams signing off

and I'll see you in the next video